My emotions in a blender.

Posted a status today saying "So happy and excited today. Can't believe this is actually happening. <3"

It's not a lie, I am happy and excited. The heart is a little misleading though. I'm just stoked as Hell that I've actually gotten skilled enough at the guitar to play the Master of Puppets solo.. or at least I'm working on it-- it's definitely achievable.

Haven't heard from Jack in a week and I think it's time to call it quits again. I don't really know what fuck he's up too but he certainly doesn't care to talk to me so whatever. My mom actually had the nerve to suggest adding him on facebook last night... again!! Immediately I'm like NO. Why the fuck would I add him right now? Another day of loneliness and wondering what the Fuck, another day of the nasty feeling in my stomach and feeling my face cringe when he crosses my mind. I hate him for this shit he puts me through, this waiting game is stress and sadness that I don't need, and it never ends.

Work today was... work. Nothing really worth mentioning. Leslie and Linda were my managers today and we got a lot of stuff done, no catty bitchiness to deal with so that's good.

Took the status down. No use misleading people, what's the point. There's no need to post any status today; I usually write one a day but there's nothing clever on my mind. It's simply a depressing day. I took Bronkaid so I feel very awake and emotionally numb. I feel very humiliated for some reason. I don't know why. . . I just need to stop thinking so much about things.

Such a mix of emotions--  with the stress from work and the god damn loneliness yet happy because I'm doing well at guitar. I don't even know what to do with myself lately. At least I look nice, Witch hazel has worked wonders on the remaining acne scarring that I had on my skin. I think the acne has finally ceased, I might not even have to get another bottle of Differin for awhile.

peace/ 

Work to pay for these kid's fieldtrips.

I helped pick some cherries today. Figured I could use the money. I picked 9 buckets full of almost perfect Rainiers and earned $50. Unfortunately this money is going to slip right out of my hands more than likely because my Mom has to drive up to Bellingham to get these f*cking kids. You think my mom will be able to pay me back? Nope. I'm so done. The only, ONLY reason she'll be able to get that money out of me is because she will blame the fact that she has to go up to Bellingham on me because the only reason she took this project is because she thought I'd be going there.

I have no idea how she thinks she can go to California right now... We're having such a hard time as it is without the orchard to that used to get us a few grand each summer just for whatever we chose to do with it. Cherry harvest used to be sort of our summer blow money, but without that there hasn't been any room for trips in years. The last time I went to California was... I'm pretty sure the summer before my senior year. That's a long time, I feel like I have to go down there because it's going to be my Great Grandma's 90th birthday. I actually remember when she turned 80 when I was ten years old and my Grandma Marty picked up the horrendously ugly purple Mexican cake, love it.

So much of this is all my Dad's stupid family's fault... if they hadn't of kicked my Dad off the farm for no other reason besides greed we wouldn't be having as many problems now. Granted this season still would have sucked, but my Dad has helped steer through horrible seasons before. It's just the nature of the business, you're going to have bad years and lose money, but my Dad always somehow found a way to make money even on the shittiest seasons. He'd sell some of the smaller cherries to the Mormon ladies that can them, they'd buy the boxes for only $10 or so, but that was $10 that would have just sat on the ground rotting away.

It's that kind of mentality that I try to have with business... something really is better than nothing, and sometimes you have to work hard even if the reward isn't great because getting a little money for some work is better than no money at all. I worked so hard this morning, my back hurts and my brain feels so zapped from the sun.

I'll probably just sit and play guitar the rest of the day. Not much else to do, I've got work the next couple days. I've been so lonely lately, haven't even told my mom that my cell phone is going to turn off again because I pretty much just use it for music and getting ahold of Sam and Katelynn anymore. I can always get ahold of both of them on facebook, there's no reason to turn my phone back on.

No word from Jack in like, four days. We've barely talked at all. I'm in such a hard limbo right now because unless I find someone better than Jack I can't seem to get over him. My heart still somehow holds onto something, even if I know logically that I shouldn't think that with our history. My head is what drives me every day, and I have been able to get passed my heart and tell him to fuck off, time and time again, yet he seems to always get my forgiveness when he randomly pops up out of nowhere and tells me all the reasons I'm wrong in being mad at him.

I think I have every right to be frustrated with him, that's for damn sure. Mainly out of the humiliation that I feel that I still have feelings for him at all when I talk to Samantha, Katharine or Katelynn about it. Periodically I'll talk about it with them, if ever at all, more so with Samantha than the others. By now, though, Katelynn always just gives me some version of, "So... when are you going to tell him to fuck off?" And Katharine tells me to just ignore whenever he texts if he tries. It's not that fucking simple. Samantha just sort of takes it and accepts the fact that I have a problem. Sometimes you just need that person instead of hearing the truth, because I know what the truth is. That I'm extremely alone, and waiting for some moron to fall back on me.

It's sort of sad that I'm this attractive and talented, yet so alone, isolated and sad inside by my lack of companionship.

Don't get me wrong, I have guys that go after me a lot, but I'm so whipped emotionally because I've never actually loved anyone that the only way I can finally get away from him is if:

A. He finally just says, Emily, I don't like you, I've never REALLY liked you, and this whole thing has just been a headgame because I got lonely and you were convenient enough to talk to for awhile while I was looking for someone else.
Granted, he's not going to actually say this, he'd more say a lie such as: Emily, you're cool and everything and I like you as a person but you're to forward and it's intimidating to me so BYE! Sorry for leading you on for a year! Seriously, no hard feelings.
I'd be perfectly fine with this. 


B. I meet someone else. Realize Jack really isn't that great because I happen to find someone else I can relate to on that level and talk to for 3 hour increments and laugh at the dumbest shit that probably makes no sense to most people.
Yeah, good luck. Certainly not happening in the tri cities. I've accepted that fact that I will almost definitely be alone for the next few months.. July, August, most of September... alone alone alone.

And that's it. That's why this situation pains me so much because I can't really escape it. I AM patient, I've held out for a long time.. And God, if this is part of your grand plan for me you sure as Hell better make it worth my wait because this is bullcrap. Spontaneous fate has a way of showing itself when you least expect it, but it's hard to "least expect" things when you're so depressed about being alone that you find yourself waiting for something to happen. 20 + hours a week of guitar and lessons with Jacob has been huge savior for me. It's almost like therapy because I've gotten more self confidence, but there's still a part of me that's always dead.

I just can't think about it... without this blog I'd have to rant to my friends about this so what can I do.

peace.

Working out feels pretty good, it's a nice way to finish off the day. I'm planning to go to bed here pretty soon, there's nothing else to do today.

Lessons went well, that was the end of week 11. It's hard to believe, it doesn't seem that long ago that I started getting lessons from him but it's already been eleven weeks. This week I'm going to be really focusing in on "To Tame a Land." He told me to break away from picking exercises and stuff like that for the most part and really work on the piece as well as technical exercises-- vibratos and hammer-ons/pull offs. I'm actually getting the hang of those now so that they sound much cleaner. This is going to be a good week. At the end of Week 12 my goal is to have something up on my youtube page. I want to feel ready enough with To Tame a Land, even if it's just the first couple minutes of it.

________________________________

Tomorrow I have work. Work sucks but I've got my job down to a science so it doesn't bother me anymore. I go, get stuff done, clock out. I don't want any catty, bitchy drama or any of them getting into my personal business. Nor do I want to go to this bowling party thing they are trying to coordinate. I really don't want to be a part of job merriment (hahaha). They're adults, I'm 20... that's so awkward.

In the break room I'll usually sit there with my shred neck and practicing picking exercises. This makes me feel more productive as well as meditative. Traci will sit there and laugh out loud really hysterically and I'll try and keep my head down. She's sitting over there reading a book and suddenly bursts out, "BAH HAHAHA." I'm like, "....gulp." tickticktick-tickticktick,  tickticktick-tickticktick. That shredneck doesn't make any actual noise, it's just a warmup device. It really does the job but I need to install some new strings on it because it sort of hurts my fingers using it. 


Wow, hard to believe June is coming to a close already. I barely even feel like it's summer, with the weather we've been having it feels more like a warm April. There's been these random storms that keep popping up out of nowhere. 


This routine is getting pretty mundane. It sort of reminds me of middle school summers again, but instead of on Neopets or Gaiaonline I'm practicing my instrument. Still, same concept. It's summer, people are out doing stuff, I'm in my room in front of a computer screen. 


Nothing more to say. I hope to hang out with Samantha one of these days. I'm happy because I'm getting paid so I'll finally have a little money in my account to go have some fun without stress. I'm sad that I missed the renaissance fair. Actually, I missed a lot of summer things that I normally check out. Having these expenses at the beginning of summer for me sort of hit me like that. Luckily, I'll be going to California soon and getting that time out of here is WAAAAY past due.

Also, did I mention that I'm going to LA? I am going to make a point to visit Katharine when we go to California, maybe it'll be on the way out, I don't know.. I'd really like a chance to see the city with her. I hope I won't be exhausted as Hell by then.


peace. 

気を紛らします

I feel stupid. Fried. Kind of tired.. Even if last night I got a ton of sleep I feel like there's not much to look forward too. I'm not depressed, though. I've got a couple hours out of the way and it's 2:30 PM.

I ate some stirfry with chicken, teriyaki sauce, powdered ginger and crushed peanuts, all served on top of rice. Of course add a ton of rooster sauce to that too, mmm! Gives me heartburn though, unfortunately.

I still fear getting carpel tunnel from playing this much. Three hours a day is pretty strenuous, and I get stressed out that I'll potentially give myself medical problems on my hand and I'll have to stop playing for a month. For that reason, I've really been making an effort to loosen the tension of my left hand on the fret board. Maybe I'll get some tiger balm or something. I'd REALLY like a massage. . . well, not on my arms necessarily but just a massage in general would be fantastic. お金を持っていません。(D'oh!)

I really should write some Japanese today. Maybe on my ameblo or something. Or maybe just on here. Why the Hell not.

今、夏です。天気が暑くない。私は部屋の中です。ギーターを引きました。気を紛らします。私はその人と話すと落ち込むになる。


I still plan to practice Japanese from time to time if I can. It would be a waste to get this far and completely forget about it. Maybe I'll even go on livemocha today!

5:10 pm:

Good lord this has been a long day. I just got done working out, still got about an hour of playing left to do.. I got a bunch of school stuff taken care of too. Today's been a pretty productive day overall. I'm feeling content for the most part, everything is fine. Feeling a little bit lonely but that's to be expected. Coming to the end of 1 year 6 months, onto 7 months now! One year, seven month anniversary of being emotionally alone (it might even be more because I can't even really count Indy, he's such a creep). Seven months now of not giving a shit, but having to sort of deal with it anyway. 

I've been wondering a lot what's going to happen in the next couple months. I practically hated myself last summer; I mean between hanging out with Leah and her weird posse, dealing with Guy Stevens and literally puking my brains out, scaring the Hell out of my parents when they saw me hanging around that Tyler kid in some meth house... I have no idea what I was thinking. I so badly just seemed to want people to hang around with, regardless of my choices not always being the best. There really wasn't anybody last summer. 

This summer is much better already. I don't have anything sketchy happening because I've weeded through some of the people that I was spending time with to just people that I can trust and care about me. Katelynn,  Alan, Samantha, Shawn, the members of House... those are pretty much the only people I hang out with lately. I work on the weekends, that's more than I could say last summer when I had no job at all. I'm not taking any classes at CBC and don't have to run back and forth to Pasco every day. Yes, things've improved quite a bit. 

This summer is probably going to be a lot lonelier, though. There's no way I'm going to suddenly drop these standards that I've created for myself... but with Connor once again out the picture (he was the only one with one foot in that aspect of my life) I'm going to have to be extremely, extremely patient. 

peace. 

Human Resource Management information

That's all I really need to know about planning my major. I can do this. I'm not a genius but I can adapt and understand anything if I focus hard enough. Some of this stuff is going to be really dry but once I get out of it there will hopefully be a decent job market for me to choose from.

Because if I get this degree, I will be able to do the following job:

The Human Resources Manager guides and manages the overall provision of Human Resources services, policies, and programs for a company within a small to mid-sized company, or a portion of the Human Resources function within a large company. The major areas the Human Resources manager manages can include:

• recruiting and staffing;
• organizational departmental planning;
• performance management and improvement systems;
• organization development;
• employment and compliance to regulatory concerns regarding employees;
• employee onboarding, development, needs assessment, and training;
• policy development and documentation;
• employee relations;

Dealing with people's NEEDS. Recruiting. This all sounds like fun to me, which is much more than most careers can say. 

Some "Homework" for the summer. Plans. Pt 1 Preadmission coursework

Here's a list of courses that I would have to get in order to get my Business Administration degree at Central.

At the time of application to the Business Administration major, the pre-admission coursework or their equivalents must be complete. A cumulative GPA of 2.5 in the pre-admission requirements must be achieved with a minimum grade of “C-” (1.7) in each course, along with a minimum cumulative GPA of 2.50 in all collegiate study.

Students who have met all of the admission requirements will be admitted unless the number of applicants exceeds available space. In that case, acceptance will be competitive, based on a selection index.

Well that's easy enough. 2.5 is a pretty low GPA in my opinion. Actually, I'm going to check my GPA from CBC right now and tell you how that went. 

MON, JUN 25, 2012            COLUMBIA BASIN COLLEGE                             
                         UNOFFICIAL STUDENT TRANSCRIPT                          
WILSON EMILY E                                                                  
                                                      
                                                                                
 TERM     COURSE ID         -------- TITLE --------       GRADE      CREDITS    
          ========================================                              
          A COURSE WITH "&" IS COMMON AMONG                                     
          WASHINGTON STATE COMM & TECH COLLEGES                                 
          WITH THE SAME COURSE.                                                 
          ========================================                              
 FAL09    ENGL& 101         ENGLISH COMPOSITION I          3.6          5.0     
          PE    1271        FITNESS CENTER I               4.0          1.0     
          PSYC& 100         GENERAL PSYCHOLOGY             3.7          5.0     
          WKSP  090         FIRST YEAR INTRODUCTION         P           0.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  11.0  Cr Earn  11.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   40.5  GPA 3.68   
                                                                                
 WIN10    ENGL& 111         INTRO TO LITERATURE            2.5          5.0     
          ENVS& 101         INTRO TO ENV SCI W/LAB         3.9          5.0     
          MUSC& 105         MUSIC APPRECIATION             4.0          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  15.0  Cr Earn  15.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   52.0  GPA 3.47   
                                                                                
 SPR10    CMST  101         SPEECH ESSENTIALS              3.2          3.0     
          ICS   130         SURVEY ASIAN AMER CULTUR       3.2          5.0     
          NUTR& 101         NUTRITION                      3.7          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  13.0  Cr Earn  13.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   44.1  GPA 3.39   
                                                                                
 FAL10    ANTH& 100         SURVEY OF ANTHROPOLOGY         3.2          5.0     
          JAPN& 121         JAPANESE I                     4.0          5.0     
          PE    1281        FITNESS CENTER II              4.0          2.0     
          SOC&  101         INTRO TO SOCIOLOGY             3.3          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  17.0  Cr Earn  17.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   60.5  GPA 3.56   
                                                                                
 WIN11    ENGL& 235         TECHNICAL WRITING              3.9          5.0     
          JAPN& 122         JAPANESE II                    4.0          5.0     
          PHIL  121         SYMBOLIC LOGIC                  W           5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  10.0  Cr Earn  10.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   39.5  GPA 3.95   
                                                                                
 SPR11    HE    220         DRUGS AND HEALTH               4.0          3.0     
          JAPN& 123         JAPANESE III                   4.0          5.0     
          MATH  096         ALGEBRA REVIEW 1               3.6          5.0     
          PE    1481        JOGGING I                      4.0          2.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  10.0  Cr Earn  10.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   40.0  GPA 4.00   
                                                                                
 SUM11    BIOL& 100         SURVEY OF BIOLOGY W/LAB        4.0          5.0     
          MATH  097         ALGEBRA REVIEW 2               2.8          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr   5.0  Cr Earn   5.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   20.0  GPA 4.00   
                                                                                
 FAL11    JAPN& 221         JAPANESE IV                    4.0          5.0     
          MATH  098         ALGEBRA REVIEW 3               3.2          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr   5.0  Cr Earn   5.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   20.0  GPA 4.00   
                                                                                
 WIN12    ACCT& 201         PRINCIPLES OF ACCOUNT I        3.6          5.0     
          CS    102         VISUAL BASIC 1                 3.6          5.0     
          JAPN& 222         JAPANESE V                     4.0          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr  15.0  Cr Earn  15.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   56.0  GPA 3.73   
                                                                                
 SPR12    JAPN& 223         JAPANESE VI                    4.0          5.0     
                                                                                
 Qtrly:     Gpa Cr   5.0  Cr Earn   5.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts   20.0  GPA 4.00   
                                                                                
 Cum:       Gpa Cr 121.0  Cr Earn 121.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts  440.6  GPA 3.64   
 Clvl:      Gpa Cr 106.0  Cr Earn 106.0  P/S Cr   0.0  Grpts  392.6  GPA 3.70   

That is my transcript from CBC. I'm so thrilled because I got a 3.7 cumulative, that was my goal! F*ck yeah I'm super excited!! Of course 4.0 in Japanese VI, this is great!! Well on my way. 

_____________________________________________________

Preadmission Coursework
Credits

ACCT 251 Financial Accounting
5
ACCT 252 Managerial Accounting (may require two courses to meet equivalent)
5
BUS 221 Introductory Business Statistics
5
BUS 241 Legal Environment of Business
5
ECON 201 Principles of Economics Micro
5
ECON 202 Principles of Economics Macro
5
MATH 130 Finite Mathematics (or other college level math course approved by the accounting department chair)
5
MATH 153,154,170,172,or 173
5


I don't think I've taken any of this, but I'm sure I've taken the prerequisites 

to fulfill getting into these classes themselves. I know these classes don't look very fun at all. Actually, they frighten the living shit out of me. This is 
going to be a huge challenge but I know I can do it if I really work at it. 

The power of manipulation.

I'm not saying hippies are dangerous, but I just watched the greatest Helter Skelter documentary EVER on Netflix and I'm now much happier that I won't be moving into *that* environment. A place with a high concentration of neo-hippies, that is.

The title is "Six Degrees of Helter Skelter," which I thought I'd seen before. It's a very well made, non-discriminant toward either side crime documentary. The director and narrator named Michael Dorsey covered a play by play of exactly what happened on the night of the horrendous Sharon Tate murder as well as the LaBianca murders. He took us to the many locations of the events that took place that night, whether they're still in tact today as they were in the late 60's or otherwise. I feel like even if I knew a lot about these cases, I didn't actually get the truth sans the glamorization until watching this documentary.

Because honestly, even if Helter Skelter the book they barely describe the interactions between the residents of the Tate house the night of the murders, such as the important detail that there was no party at the Tate residence that night. Actually, Sharon had wanted to go home because she was so cranky that night and wanted everyone to leave. Sebring was talking to her in the back room near their fireplace when the commotion had started. Such a good documentary, I'd highly recommend watching it if you get a chance.

The case is so infamous and fascinating to me because it marks the end of the hippie movement. Living free and the innocence behind it was dead because of some streetwise, manipulative criminal that had been in jail most of his life before coming out into the Height Ashbury district. The setting was set perfectly for Manson, who wasn't really a hippie himself but did have access to drugs and minor Hollywood connections. He wasn't a very good musician, but the drugs he gave these kids made them fall for his ideology.

I can't help but think more about their lives at Spahn ranch before the murders. Before Manson had the teens completely under his spell and convinced of the impending "race war," I'm sure they had to of had a great time. Patricia Kremwinkel actually explained in one of her interviews that Charlie had let them live in this fantasy world, more or less, at the ranch. They would pretend and "Escape time," because Manson taught them that time was invented by man and they had to escape it to be free.

At the beginning they were living on Spahn Ranch playing pirates, running around on drugs and spending time down by the creeks at night. I will not lie and say that doesn't sound like fun and I think many young adults, even today, would take up an opportunity to experience this. Insecure young people that don't know where they are going in life are probably the most easily manipulated people I can think of. They wanted to stand for something, not work like their boring parents, be free. It's all very understandable. So I don't like how in the mainstream media the Manson children are oftentimes portrayed as this psycho cult from the get-go. It really wasn't. 

These kids were experiencing a sense of self from Charlie. They knew that without Charlie this lifestyle would end and they didn't want to go back to their boring lives with their parents. The recipe for manipulation is to have one person that gives another person something they want, which in this case for the kids was acceptance and a "Family." Because Manson was the leader of this, they were willing to do whatever they had to do to continue living this lifestyle and follow this ideology, even if it meant killing many innocent people. 

I feel the power of manipulation comes from emotional intelligence. Though I don't consider myself a manipulative person per se, I am not easily manipulated myself because I understand how it works. If someone has something that you want or if a person has something they could take away from you at any second, they have power to manipulate you. The more this manipulator gives to it's subjects, the more the subject becomes likely to do what the dictator tells him or her to do. To understand this really is the best way  to be freed from most manipulators in your life, and it's unfortunate that because this exists it's almost certain that some sketchy soul like Charles Manson will again rise to the surface and dictate a bunch of young people for their benefit. 

That's all I really have to talk about. It's 2:00 PM, had to pick up my Mom from Enterprise car rental and I've already practiced for two hours. I might be seeing Koty Cline today and we're going to jam for awhiile. He could be a lot better than me, I have no idea, but I now feel I can hold my own enough to not make an ass of myself. Who knows if he'll be able too actually do it though. I could use a friend over, I'm a little bored. I'm probably going to mess with guitar pro for the next hour (or until Koty texts). If he doesn't text I'll play the Sims. No, maybe I'll play the sims first to give my hand a rest. I might even make a knock off hippie family. 

My mind is interesting.

peace.

When you've got really nothing to lose....

Kamelot's outfits look like hot topic throwup, but I absolutely love some of their music. Metal soothes everything. 

My heart must be numbing quite a bit.

Jack got ahold of me again yesterday, after a three week hiatus where I had figured he found another girl and  accepted it. He denies any of my claims against him about talking to me between girls because he doesn't have girls. Riiight, what about the relationship that you just got out of before you started talking to me with some younger girl? What about Jessica last summer? What about the girl you found over this last Spring break that you stopped talking to me for? Was that the same girl? I don't know, I've lost track.

His main excuse for not talking to me for weeks was because he was "intimidated." I was like, are you serious? That makes NO sense. You mean to tell me Jessica Small didn't intimidate you? You sure pursued her. And Aliche from Italy from Milan f*cking modelbodyperfectsmileperfectfaceperfecteverything didn't intimidate you? You pursued her!

Of course he has an excuse for everything, but somehow schmoozed his way into another "I forgive you" and I guess we're on more... decent terms than we were when I told him he was dead to me. I can barely even talk to him now, though. I get so frustrated with his headgames that he plays unintentionally and I still doubt we will actually ever see eachother in person again unless it's in passing when we get up to Central. His plans never work out, ever. So I can't think that even if we're on decent terms that we will actually spend time together. I know better now.

haha I was never a fan of this picture of myself particularly but I think Samantha looks cute. My lips look so thin! 

 I felt like I had to break it to Samantha and she seemed so disappointed in me. For her, and a lot of girls, I feel like I'm somewhat of a role model for the benefits of personal independence. I feel like I've helped her see a lot of her own self worth outside of her relationship with Shawn, but how can I give her advice when I don't even take my own advice? I tell Samantha not to put up with Shawn's nonsense (every guy has nonsense, it's nothing personal to Shawn, actually their relationship has gotten way better since they moved in with eachother) yet I put up with Jack's nonsense again and again and again and again. It makes me feel stupid, like anyone that knows what I've put up with would look at me and think I'm like a stupid dog that keeps on kicked but won't take a hint.

That's the thing though. I know that Jack doesn't deserve yet another chance to prove that he's not just talking to me between girlfriends, but I like him enough that I can't let go of it. Plus I have nothing else and nothing to lose. Here's my prediction. He's going to find some other girl in the next 24 hours, if not in the next week. I'm not his friend on facebook anymore, AGAIN (seriously this is like the 10th time this has happened), so I can't see what he's doing either way. Even if we do start talking again I don't think I'm going to add him on facebook unless we actually see eachother in person. Again, probably won't happen.

I'm not nearly as irritated and discouraged by him talking to me as I've usually been in the last couple times, nor did I get giddy when he texted me back... I didn't feel anything, maybe a little short tempered and laughed at the fact that he actually had the nerve; but I didn't feel any pain or happiness necessarily. I'm taking better control of this emotional rollarcoaster that I've dealt with.

Maybe my heart really is giving up hope with it and that's why I'm feeling more numb. I hope so.... I so badly want to admit that I've moved on completely but it just never seems to happen, and the only reason is that he keeps randomly talking to me and I can't seem to NOT talk to him back. Everything is so on his time. He only talks to me when it's convenient for him, so I don't dare text or call him first.

In the four years that this has been happening, neither of us have ever told eachother that we like eachother. He's never even given me that. He never compliments me at all, I never compliment him either because I don't want him to think I want a relationship and scare him off. Because of this, I'm always tiptoeing around what I'm saying, while he somehow flirts with me on the other end.

It's all just so lame that it's almost comical. Samantha is the only one I'm going to tell about this because I think she has a bit higher tolerance for that sort of thing than Katelynn and Katharine. I feel like Katelynn would just be like, "OH god!! NO." and Katharine would probably give me a long lists of reasons why I shouldn't. They're both right, actually all three of them are right because Sam doesn't like it either.

Samantha is just a better person to talk to when I know I'm probably doing something wrong but can't help what I'm doing. I really wish I could just tell him to f*ck off entirely but when he keeps coming back it makes it hard. He's just too cute and our personalities are so compatible in so many ways but he drives me up the f*cking wall and makes me miserable at the same time.

Work today was boring.

I'm gonna get blazed and play guitar.

peace. 

Nature of the beast.

My left hand has been cramping like a son of a bitch. Sometimes it will suddenly go tingly out of the blue when I'm driving. It makes me nervous, I baby my left hand the best I can so I don't get horrible carpel tunnel. If I get carpel tunnel I wouldn't be able to play and that would suck. I'm going to research the signs of developing carpel tunnel. Or maybe the cramping is just from working my wrists hard and they're building more resilience.  My goal at the end of the week is to get good enough at Tame a Land to post a video of it on Youtube. It's a nerve wrecking thing for me, still, because it would require me to actually hear myself play. When I play, I feel like I can't hear myself and that it probably still sounds like shit.

A band I discovered recently called Kamelot that I really like already. 

Jacob told me we are going to start getting more into songs, and that the mad picking exercises (though they're not going to be completely retired) won't be the main focus anymore. I'm excited to really get into songs because we really haven't focused on my random choice of pieces yet. He helped me pick out Erodomania. Cemetery Gates was my idea, as was Under a Glass Moon.. I never actually stressed Unforgiven as being important but it's one of the more recognizable songs I now know almost all the way through aside from the solo. All of the System of a Down music is completely obsolete because I wouldn't be able to get my new guitar down to that horrendously low tuning.

____________________________________________________

My friend John Regan recently told me about a band called Portal. They're sort of under the radar but I immediately really liked them.

So I'm trying to find a really good song for next Wednesday to really plow through and focus on the next couple weeks. I have all week to think about this I guess.

I finally told Jessika off for good yesterday morning; my Dad overheard from downstairs and laughed at how much of a skilled debater I can be. She called after I sent her my long rebuttal to her manic message she left on my phone. I had planned everything and shooting down all of her false accusations was easy because she said nearly everything I predicted her too. It was almost too easy and there's no use explaining it further, what's done is done.

Because I know exactly what this was. Jessika feels insecure about herself because she no longer feels she has some kind of control over me because I now have a self esteem. She's angry that I've done well in school, have my own hobbies, and don't need to seek the satisfaction of others approval of me when clearly she does.

Well, I suppose that's a lie. As humans we all look for approval from our peers, it's how we establish ourselves as members in society. I currently seek approval from the following people: Katelynn because she's my best friend and I want her to be satisfied in me as I would expect in her, Jacob because he's my teacher and I don't want to disappoint him or myself, my parents, my sister, Katharine... and that's pretty much it. Granted, I want people to think of me as a nice person, I want to have a good reputation.

Jessika on the other hand, her reputation is so bad that I can't stand being around her anymore. Someone like this would only bring me down, I need to start associating myself with more and more musicians so I can learn more. That's really all I want to do lately is play and bite my time, hang out with whoever I want too and stay safe. I've been learning so much random, probably useless information on Netflix.

Like I've been watching this TV series called Coal. It's about these guys that work underground getting out coal in the West Virginia mountains. It's really interesting to see how much pride men can take in their jobs, especially when it's known for being one of the most dangerous jobs in the country.

These two guys are actually the two of the best coal miners in West Virginia. Granted, society might see people like this and call them white trash but they're actually geniuses in what they do. Everyone has their thing that they take pride in and these guys are the greatest miners in the state of West Virginia, maybe even the whole country. It's sad to think, though, that in a job in the coal mines you could literally die in a split second at any point in the day. All it would take is a lose piece of sheet rock if the bolt faciners didn't do their job correctly and you'd be dead almost instantaneously.

Both of them are extremely relaxed in the situation they're in, even if they're in extremely flammable, unhealthy conditions. On top of that it's freezing cold, almost pitch black, you could get electrocuted at any time from the overly sensitive machinery used for excavating the coal.

The spirit and fearlessness of man is incredible. 

I think the West Virginia coal miners are f*cking nuts for going down there, but they're so determined to get a job done that they don't let the fear of death deter them.It's kind of hopeless, but if that gives them a purpose in life that's great.

peace.

You can't be something your not. Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me

My ego is so big and I think I'm soooo hot, just like Paris Hilton. Ha ha ha.

Jessika called a couple days ago freaking out and I didn't pick up her phone calls; for obvious reasons, one being I didn't want to deal with a manic girl and second because I was practicing. Last night when I was over at Katelynn's house I realized she'd left a message. Jessika left me a text saying "Did you get my voicemail?" and I listened to a five minute rant from her about how I've made her so upset and frustrated with me. Originally this was happening via text, but I'm sure she realized going into an argument with me via text is debate suicide because I'm much better at making my point via text than speaking.

To avoid any problems with getting my point across when I actually do speak to her, I wrote down all of my rebuttals. I'd post them here but that might be too personal, even for me; well that and I'd want no chance of her finding them. I take on arguments like a politician; quick, effective, direct. She gave me the time to prepare this as well as a RECORDING of how frantic she was acting about this, when really I did nothing to her at all. 

She's trying really hard to make me out like the bad guy that has been making snide comments and accusing her of being something she's not (i.e. "slut"). I've never called her a slut, but I did comment that she flirts a lot.  Because she does, she flirts blatantly with everyone. She told me on the way to Robert's party that she'd want somebody to flirt with, she always has to have that. I'm sorry if my party "Wasn't her crowd" because she didn't have some guy to flirt with and hang all over. She's gross, her reputation IS bad, people DO think she's a slut. I've witnessed how she works, she's ashamed of it, and now she's freaking out on me because she thinks I've discovered the truth about her. No, I've known all along. She's painfully easy to read. 

The honest root of all this is jealousy. The reason that I know this for a fact is that the better I get at the guitar and the more confident I feel about myself, the more cold and "angry" she gets with me. She's acting just as I did towards Katelynn in the 7th grade. That indicates a bad friend that doesn't actually want what's best for me, so I'm going to cut things off when we actually get a chance to talk. I'd like to get my point across though, and she can take it or leave it. 

Yesterday I had a really good day in town with Katelynn. I'm really broke so I probably shouldn't have spent the money to go out to eat. We went to Red Robin and got turkey burgers, this is me and Katelynn's favorite. She also ordered a hummus platter that was really freaking good. I feel like I've been so cheap around her lately with everything but it's because I've been so broke, it's embarrassing. My mom needs to pay me back, she still owes me $260.. that's like my entire last paycheck. My dad paid me back for the tuition money but I need to check and see if it got put into my bank account or what. 

I ended up sleeping on Katelynn's couch. I had anticipated maybe spending more time with Connor but he had to work all night.

I don't want to worry about money... not right this second anyway, it's 9:00 and I've probably got until 11:30 before anyone bothers me. Today's going to be another great day I think, got guitar lessons which is always a nice refresher. Might also be spending a little time at House. We'll see.

peace. 

My party! A quick overview.

Now that a day has passed and I feel more relaxed and restored, I can talktalktalktalk about everything that's happened. This blog might be broken up into a few entries, but I'll start with writing about my party.

The party had an incredible turnout. Throughout the night I'm pretty sure I got at least 30 people, and only a few people that RSVP'd as coming flaked out. All the people that I really wanted to come showed up though, including Robert, Tyler and Logan which was amazing considering the crowd that was there. Tyler doesn't like crowds much and has never really followed through with plans that I make, but times have changed I suppose!

Speaking of those guys, I got the incredible news that Chelsea and Robert are engaged. It was so funny when they announced it to us because Tyler, Logan and I already knew but we played it off like we didn't. I admit that Chelsea and I weren't necessarily besties in highschool, and I'm sure I said some things about her that weren't favorable to Robert a long time ago, but my opinions of her have changed a lot. She was totally cool at my party, she's really made Robert happy, they love eachother so much and I'm really excited for their wedding next May.

The party started at 8' PM, which means it was pretty light out when people started showing up. I had picked up Taylor M. because she didn't have a ride, then Katelynn and Alan showed up. There wasn't much setting up to do because my Mom had it covered, and my head was still sort of on backwards like it was at graduation. 

On the left is Tim. Jessika had showed up with him, having told him I was interested in a relationship and he came to hang out with me apparently. Jessika and Tim were being very reclusive. Tim had been excited to hang out with Katelynn and Alan as well, but that was cut short when Jessika decided to leave about 20 minutes after getting here to go smoke weed with Tim. She was angry at me and acting really rude to all of my guests and I had no idea why. I ended up texting her about it and she flipped out on me but that story is for another entry.

A picture of me, Logan and Tyler. Robert was originally in this I thought but he ducked out with Chelsea. He probably felt a little awkward and didn't want Chelsea to feel excluded. Chelsea would of been fine in the picture too, though! 

The ki-be drama kids started coming in around 9:30 pm. They certainly made it a party! They all had such a good energy because they were ready to have a good time. I set up the movie in the yard but everyone pretty much talked, hung out and munched the whole time. I was sort of unprepared for food because I was slightly broke. 

Here's me and Taylor. I unexpectedly jumped on his lap to take a picture. Every person that was there I made sure to make a point to tell them that I was glad they were there and made sure to give them a hug at some point in the night. Reason being, I have no idea when I will see any of these people again in my life. Not saying I don't guarantee I'll see Samantha, Shawn and those guys again.. haha I'm going to Sam's house tomorrow more than likely. But people like those in my Japanese class that I never really had much of a close relationship with outside of class, I really don't know. I'm sure I will go to other meet ups and such if there are some, but if not I hope they all have successful and happy lives. 

The Japanese club kids were the first ones to show up at 8:10-8:30 or so. I was happy they were so timely because I always get so worried about if people will show up or not. They hung out on the benches and chit chat for most of the time, so I was concerned they were bored but there was really nothing to worry about. A couple of them messaged me telling how much of a good time they had.

So yup, everything worked out as it should! Can't say I'm going to be having any more parties anytime soon because it's nearly impossible to have a great time at your own party without stressing out and over planning, but it was still an excellent closure to my time at CBC. 

peace. 

The idea of Purgatory, the afterlife, spirituality...

The party was so much fun, we had an excellent turnout, and I had really nothing to worry about. Graduation also went very well. It's 12:19 am, I've almost been playing my guitar nonstop since I got home at 3 pm, aside from some eating and a little exercise. I should really go to bed soon. I will talk about everything fun that happened yesterday tomorrow. . . Actually I have a LOT I want to talk about, I'd love to write out and highlight some of my old experiences the past couple years and reflect a bit. But not tonight. Instead I'm going to talk about something completely out of the ordinary.

I ended up getting hooked on this anime called Angel Beats. This is the first anime I've watched since Sailor Moon about a year ago. Anyway, it's about these highschool aged kids that are living in purgatory after living unfair lives and they're trying to maintain this existence fighting God. It's a really trippy and very sad idea for an anime series.

The idea of purgatory is very sad in general. If you don't know anything about it, it's an idea that isn't talked about much in the bible but is one of the many theories of what happens when someone dies. Basically, it's the idea that when you die, you go into an alternate reality that's not living nor dead. You're in this limbo; which in this anime is perceived as being a dreamlike impersonation of real life. The idea of purgatory can also be looked at as the idea that when you die your life "flashes before your eyes."

In this anime you have a cast of these real "humans," these kids that died and now they're in this purgatory world. The main character is a guy that doesn't know his name or how he died. These humans rebel against this Angel that hangs around trying to take them out of purgatory. I just think it's such an original idea. That, and the music in the anime is not bad at all. The animation itself is good too. Actually brought me to tears a little bit, twice.

This really made me think about purgatory though. Could it be real? Between Earth and Heaven is there a purgatory that we live in and live out all of what we dreamed of living on Earth? Or maybe purgatory would be just like a dream where you don't realize what is going on but get a better understanding of why things happened the way they did. Maybe you learn the truth of all the mysteries in your life. It's a theory I will hold onto as a valid possibility. I'm not a religious person but I like to be spiritual and ponder these things.

Because when you think about it, we all live our lives trying to fear the inevitable. We're all going to die. Every single person you see today will die someday. Everyone will experience horrible events in their lives at one point or another. You know you see these people that go completely apeshit on TV and blame it on the fact that they lost a loved one and spun out of control. Well, everyone in their life loses a loved one at one time or another. It's a sad thought but it's the truth and once I've faced that, I've found I live with much more peace and happiness in my life because I think about every day I'm alive.

I literally thank God for every day I live on this earth because I see how the rest of the world lives and I feel absolutely blessed. Everyone has problems. I have my fair share of problems but I really couldn't be happier with my life and where it's headed then right now. I've just gotta try to not somehow fall apart or burn out in the next couple years. Nope, don't see it happening.

Drugs are a huge fear of mine. And I mean hard drugs, like meth and heroin. I see how it takes ahold of people's lives and destroys them uncontrollably, and I worry that when people see marijuana they think it's the same thing. I'm not even kidding, there are some people that classify all drugs the same way because they're completely oblivious to the different types of drugs. That makes me sort of saddened that people might think less of me when they find out that I smoke, but there's nothing wrong with it I feel if you do it in the comfort of your own home.

But I'm not so worried about what people think of me as I am about somehow getting addicted to them. I know that's a stupid thing to worry about, like "Well then never do hard drugs." I don't plan on it, ever. I actually never intend to do anything "drugs" aside from pot. But people are manipulative. For people's safety I think it's important to know how not to be manipulated by others.

I'm going to bed, shoot. Completely unrelated to anything else on my mind lately.

peace.

Today really should be an exciting day.

Man, graduation day started out extremely shitty and it's barely 10:00 am. I got up at 7:30, knowing that I'd be blowing about a third of my savings to pay for Spring quarter. I tried to find some sort of proof that we actually had paid for some of my Spring tuition, but it looks like I unknowingly blew the entire thing. There was no proof of checks written to CBC from my Dad in April.

I posted a status about this. Another status about my distaste with how the financial aid system works and how minorities are "spoonfed" the money they need when the caucasions are expected to pay it in full. When I say "minorities" I was of course implying Hispanics. African Americans get financial aid as well, but not nearly as much. Asians and Indians (of India) of course get no easy aid because the school system knows that their culture knows the importance of a good education and would be willing to pay anything to get their kids ahead.

I feel that this is wrong, the way financial aid segregates people based on their race. I feel financial aid should be based on a students grades and how hard they work. Shouldn't that be who the state invests in? The students that get the best grades and therefore deserve to not have to live in this constant fear of their own family's finances? No. Because in order for our country to prosper, we have to supplement the education of the people that can't afford it because if the lower income households don't get that money, their kids won't go to college, then they could potentially cost our country more money in the long run. But because all the financial money is going to young welfare Moms, Hispanic people, and other low income households, where does this leave the caucasion middle ground? Fucked. Paying out thousands just to get by and forcing their parents to live paycheck to paycheck just to get their kids a decent education.

And these are families that did the "right" thing. Got married (no money for married couples). Got some sort of degree-- whether it be their bachelors or even some vocational degree. Maybe they don't have a degree at all but they make enough money to make it appear that they could support the thousands it takes to ge their kids through school. The amount that people make per year isn't nessasarily the most accurate indicator of how much money they have available to them. We've been getting by alright, but I'm certainly not going to be doing anything too fun like take any road trips or do any major splurges. Nope, gotta save up.

I had to give them $500 right out of pocket this morning. I got paid yesterday, so I had $600 in my checking and $1300 in my savings after this guitar expense that my Mom still hasn't helped me out with. I had told my Dad that because I knew he didn't want to pay for any more Japanese, I'd pay for half of it.That'd be $250, which was doable, just like my guitar was. Of course had I knew that I needed to pay for this I would have waited a couple weeks on the guitar.

..No, I couldn't of, that's a lie. I love that guitar like a baby now, seriously it's like my lifesaver right now because without it I'm pretty sure I would have gone stir crazy.

My mind is almost entirely off men again, Jack never made an effort to get ahold of me after my text message that essentially told him that he's dead to me. Wait, did I write about this? I've told almost all of my closest friends about this but I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my blog. This is definately significant enough to talk about though. I'm waiting for Katelynn to get back at me so I have a little time. We're going to run into town together. I really shouldn't be spending the gas money because I'm going to be as cheap as possible for the next two weeks but I have to buy it.

Anyway, yes, I finally told Jack that I'm completely done with his games and that I never want to talk to him again. It took me nearly a week of courage and waiting for any sort of contact with him before I actually did this, but when he didn't initiate anything I decided enough was enough and I was tired of waiting.

"....I've been like a book that you pick up again every time you break up with your girlfriends and don't even have the balls to admit it and that's whats driven me nuts. I am serious when I say I never want to talk to you again, you are dead to me now. Have a nice life."

This was the end of it. And I think that's the end of it, period. I mean four years of this, four years of him unknowingly torturing my emotions and playing with my head. Making me think that he ACTUALLY found me appealing, liked who I was as a person, thought I was beautiful.. etc etc. Nope, because if he found me beautiful, interesting and someone that he'd actually want to be with he would not play me like this. He's always treated me like I was second best to all these other bitches.

Katelynn was right when she said I would feel a lot better about it once it was over and I do. I feel numb again, repressed, alone. But I feel this is the way it's meant to be, and could be for a long time and I have to be patient. Katharine and Katelynn BOTH told me that I need to not let this happen again; not let some guy dick me around again and again and fall for it.

I just can't believe I somehow fell for it a third time. My mom had a lot to do with it because she was egging me on and asking me a lot of questions about it. She didn't tell me at all, "Emily, no, Jack's just doing this same bullshit that he always does... Stay away." I think Katharine tried, having questioned it IMMEDIATELY when I said that me and Jack were spending time together that day two weeks ago.



Man, it's already been two weeks, hasn't it? I guess time does ease the pain of this because I'm getting closer and closer to where I was before he started talking to me emotionally. I'd say it'll take another week of drowning out my emotions with guitar playing and spending time with people that I care about to not care anymore entirely, and he'll barely cross my mind if at all. I don't know how long it would take to get over someone, but I try to quantitate everything to ease my mind that No, even if this was the first time ever really having feelings for anyone, it won't be forever. In fact I like to think I'm fickle enough to be totally immune to most of these feelings, which is true....

I've just been so drained. The graduation ceremony is today but I don't have any enthusiasm about it at all anymore because of the money I had to spend. That and I'm practically starving because I didn't eat breakfast but I don't want to spend any money on food. I've got $90 in my checking account right now after the $500 deduction. I've got $1,200 in my savings account, which I feel is money I don't even really own because it's only for future expenses in college. $40 of that $90 is going to go to my safety blanket today, and the other$50 I am going to try to stretch as far as humanly possible for the next couple weeks until my Dad pays that money back.

shit, I'm too hungry to fast until I get home. I really don't want to spend any money at all but I have to or I'm afraid I'll get dizzy on the road or something. My mom doesn't understand why I do the things I do to save money but it's because I am 100% dedicated to making it so I don't have to rely on anyone in my future. I want to be 100% financially reliant on myself. I'm not going to be like the Hispanics and have the government pay for my school. I'm going to get a loan and have to suffer the consequences later. I'm not going to be like the entitlement culture that gets welfare money from the government or food stamps or reduced lunch for my kids or anything like that. The whole process makes me sick, so I will bust my ass so that I never have to deal with it. The first half of my college is done, that means I'm halfway to making my own decent money.

This is a huge step in the right direction for me, yet I don't feel very excited because I feel it's very insignificant and it's much too early to celebrate. It took me forever to get my AA... 3 years feels like way too long for CBC, and I almost feel humiliated about it.

But I'm DONE. That $500 is going to buy my degree today, my parents will pay some of it back eventually. My mom is now saying that she doesn't "owe" me any money even though she still promissed she'd give me $100 to help pay for my guitar plus the $40 to help pay for my lessons. I'm having a feeling she's not going to actually pay me for either now that the guitar's been paid for. Whatever, she doesn't have too. She needs to save her own damn money so my Dad will stop yelling.

peace.

Finally done with CBC, yessss,

Sorry about my negative attitude yesterday. Guess I was just stressed out and sad.

I'm feeling a lot better today though because I'm DONE with CBC! Officially done, I've got my AA and I'm well on my way out of here. I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm sure I got a 4.0 in Japanese, which could potentially push up my GPA a tiny bit further too.... OH WHAT THE HELL, there's a block on my transcript!! Damn it, damn it I thought I was done with your bullcrap CBC. I'll have to call my mom to call them and get things figured out because I've got work. She won't be happy about it but oh well, this is supposedly her job at Ki-Be is to help kids go to college, why can't she help me.

Graduation is tomorrow at 7. I'm going to meet up with Delaney R. at 5:30 and we have to be by the Zamboni entrance by 6:30. I have no idea where the zamboni entrance is but I'm sure we'll figure it out with hundreds of people waiting there. We're both honors so I assume we'll be sitting in the same section anyway.

I've got a couple more hours until work. The Japanese final was pretty easy so I have a little extra time. I'm extremely awake right now because I took caffiene and brokaid this morning for the first time this week. I hardly take Bronkaid anymore because I only really need it on Thursdays when I have school and then my closing shift. It creates a long day. Luckily today is freight day, which means I'll be pretty preoccupied. I'm wearing my blue t-shirt instead of the Rite aid polo, and if anyone has anything to say about it I'll gladly say that they need to tell Shelby the same thing. She wears a sparkly V-neck blue shirt to work.

Iconoclast, the CD I've been listening to practically nonstop all week. I can't believe how into progressive metal I've become, I hardly liked it when I first got into it...

Jacob got on my ass yesterday about something. He was sort of impressed by the work I'd been putting into Cemetary gates and To Tame a Land, but he was really irritated that I hadn't been using my amp. He asked if I had been using it and I said, "Eh.... no..." and he told me that I HAVE to use it when I practice electric. I figured this was true but I guess for a long time I was scared to use my amp because I was afraid of hearing myself suck.

That being said, from this day forth, whenever I practice my pieces I will always use an amp. Just using the guitar enables me to believe everything sounds perfectly clean. The second I turn on the amp though, there's about twenty other things I have to worry about... is it too loud? Is the gain high enough? How am I going to manage turning the gain down when I play that verse? Why the f*ck do I sound so muddy? But it's just going to be another thing I conquor with this. The ability to play with an amp is huge with the electric guitar, obviously, because how else are people going to hear me? Plus, once I get the amp settings on my baby amp down I'll be able to invest in a bigger amp and really start shredding.

I'm stoked for Jacob, though. I guess his lessons are almost completely full and he's got 14 new students since he got his own place. His "place" is essentially a small room with two chairs, his amp, his acoustic guitar, and a fan. That's it. But it totally serves it's purpose; he's probably making way more money than he has to pay to rent the place, and he doesn't have to deal with the lameasses at Music Unlimited. I'm wonderng if he's going to paint the place or keep it as is until he makes enough money to move again. Shouldn't even be too long, I think he said he was making $10,000 a month or something crazy like that. Someday I hope I can be as good as he is now and teach people myself. That's a lonnnnng way down the road though.

Here's this last week's practice minutes:

June 6, 170 min

June 7, 147 min

June 8, 242 min (when Skyler came over)

June 9, 164 min

June 10, 80 min (rest day)

June 11, 203 min

June 12, 175 min

Total: 1181 min

This week I am pretty much retiring the 2 string arpeggio packet (cutting it down to 10 minutes a week, and having it be the last priority). I told Jacob this and he disagreed, saying 3 string arpeggios are 6x as hard as the 2 string. I've played the hell out of those 2 string exercises though... I'll keep messing with them here and there for the next week but by next Wednesday I really hope I can get the 3-string packet. I'm replacing that time with a strum packet that I requested. I suck at strumming so I want to get better at those (even if it's something we previously skipped).

Why I'd stress strumming so much.... I don't want someone that just knows chords to have a 1 up on me because I'm not very good at them. I memorized all the basic chords and their names about a month ago and retired that packet but I realized when I was playing with my friend Dylan Nevard that I can't strum worth anything. It's a simple enough skill but it's always been hard for me to get that kind of rhythm.

It's almost 12:30... work starts in an hour and a half. I should stop writing now, lets hope work goes smoothly and quickly.

peace.

Confirming registration with Central is now harder to swallow

I'm having a feeling CWU is going to be really gay, and I'm wondering if I'm making the right decision. Well, it's the easiest decision because it's less expensive than Western, I won't be moving eight hours, Western is pretty much entirely out of the question. But am I excited to go to Central? No. I was never excited about this stupid school in the first place and had no intention of going there until I realized how expensive Western would be. It kind of depresses me that I'm going to be going there. Western seemed like so much more of an exciting experience... Central just seems like, meh, whatever.

Oh well, it's pretty much what I'm stuck with. I promissed my parents I'd give it a year. The website makes it look so lame there though, I'm not excited at all. The only thing I'm excited to about is to get away from my job at Rite Aid. I don't really have any friends at Central, and I fear being isolated because I might not even get into the housing.

Fuck, I'm trying to figure out how to get this stupid deposit in for my confirmation. No matter how much I smoke I don't have any desire to do this, and days keep going by and I've been scared to take care of it. I don't want to confirm that I want to go there because the truth is that I don't, but I have no other choice. Shit, what did I do, my parents are now so stoked that I'm going to Central but I'm not happy about it at all. I just need to stop being so selfish and realize that my happiness doesn't matter and all that REALLY matters is that I get my degree so I can make my own money. If I moved much further it would be far too expensive and I'd be in way too much debt to feel happy elsewhere.

Maybe I'm not depressed about the Central thing at all, but I'm just tired, angry and lonely. No particular reason, aside from the general frustration from earlier in the week. I spent the afternoon with Samantha, we had a nice time cleaning and hanging out. I couldn't believe how filthy House was when we walked in, so I wanted to help out. Shawn and Sam's previous tension that I was used to seemed nonexistant, like now that they're living together their relationship seems much healthier. Ironic, you think it would be the other way around in most cases. I don't know.

I feel suffocated when I think about school. Western looks really neat but the truth of the matter is that I know hardly anything about it. I have not done ANY research on colleges since I graduated highschool and attended CBC. I pretty much just did what they told me, and carefully choose the classes I needed at CBC to get my degree there. I haven't, however, really looked into any universities. Probably because I'm not interested and the whole idea scares the shit out of me. . . the intimidation keeps me naive to actually doing any research on where I'm planning on going.

So yeah, no, not excited at all for Central. I'll say that here and now so I can look back on this and see if my opinions change of the place. But I'm not a catholic enough for Gonzaga, WSU is atrociously nasty, Western is way to far and rainy and Eastern is in my least favorite city in Washington. Central really is my only opinion, even if it seems boring as Hell there and I'll only be a short drive from home. I've just gotta try to make the best out of it I guess.

I just tried getting my confirmation fee in but the website is so confusing that I had a very hard time with it. The website interface makes absolutely no sense navigation wise and I simply don't have the patience to deal with any of it tonight. I hope that next time I try to do this I won't have such a shitty attitude but the stress of this makes me cringe.

My head is spinning; so many emotions tonight... stress, pain, loneliness, anxiousness, fear, shame, regret... it's all eating at my insides. My body is literally in pain from all the exercising I've been doing. The exercise helps me clear my head like the guitar does. I feel like this last week of depression has caused my health to deteriorate a bit and I feel like shit today. I feel such a hole in my overall wellbeing. Nothing feels right even if I'm literally doing all I can to make myself a better person and keep a better outlook on life.

I don't know what to do or why I feel this way. But I've gotta study my Japanese or i'm gonna fail my final tomorrow.

peace.