Work to pay for these kid's fieldtrips.

I helped pick some cherries today. Figured I could use the money. I picked 9 buckets full of almost perfect Rainiers and earned $50. Unfortunately this money is going to slip right out of my hands more than likely because my Mom has to drive up to Bellingham to get these f*cking kids. You think my mom will be able to pay me back? Nope. I'm so done. The only, ONLY reason she'll be able to get that money out of me is because she will blame the fact that she has to go up to Bellingham on me because the only reason she took this project is because she thought I'd be going there.

I have no idea how she thinks she can go to California right now... We're having such a hard time as it is without the orchard to that used to get us a few grand each summer just for whatever we chose to do with it. Cherry harvest used to be sort of our summer blow money, but without that there hasn't been any room for trips in years. The last time I went to California was... I'm pretty sure the summer before my senior year. That's a long time, I feel like I have to go down there because it's going to be my Great Grandma's 90th birthday. I actually remember when she turned 80 when I was ten years old and my Grandma Marty picked up the horrendously ugly purple Mexican cake, love it.

So much of this is all my Dad's stupid family's fault... if they hadn't of kicked my Dad off the farm for no other reason besides greed we wouldn't be having as many problems now. Granted this season still would have sucked, but my Dad has helped steer through horrible seasons before. It's just the nature of the business, you're going to have bad years and lose money, but my Dad always somehow found a way to make money even on the shittiest seasons. He'd sell some of the smaller cherries to the Mormon ladies that can them, they'd buy the boxes for only $10 or so, but that was $10 that would have just sat on the ground rotting away.

It's that kind of mentality that I try to have with business... something really is better than nothing, and sometimes you have to work hard even if the reward isn't great because getting a little money for some work is better than no money at all. I worked so hard this morning, my back hurts and my brain feels so zapped from the sun.

I'll probably just sit and play guitar the rest of the day. Not much else to do, I've got work the next couple days. I've been so lonely lately, haven't even told my mom that my cell phone is going to turn off again because I pretty much just use it for music and getting ahold of Sam and Katelynn anymore. I can always get ahold of both of them on facebook, there's no reason to turn my phone back on.

No word from Jack in like, four days. We've barely talked at all. I'm in such a hard limbo right now because unless I find someone better than Jack I can't seem to get over him. My heart still somehow holds onto something, even if I know logically that I shouldn't think that with our history. My head is what drives me every day, and I have been able to get passed my heart and tell him to fuck off, time and time again, yet he seems to always get my forgiveness when he randomly pops up out of nowhere and tells me all the reasons I'm wrong in being mad at him.

I think I have every right to be frustrated with him, that's for damn sure. Mainly out of the humiliation that I feel that I still have feelings for him at all when I talk to Samantha, Katharine or Katelynn about it. Periodically I'll talk about it with them, if ever at all, more so with Samantha than the others. By now, though, Katelynn always just gives me some version of, "So... when are you going to tell him to fuck off?" And Katharine tells me to just ignore whenever he texts if he tries. It's not that fucking simple. Samantha just sort of takes it and accepts the fact that I have a problem. Sometimes you just need that person instead of hearing the truth, because I know what the truth is. That I'm extremely alone, and waiting for some moron to fall back on me.

It's sort of sad that I'm this attractive and talented, yet so alone, isolated and sad inside by my lack of companionship.

Don't get me wrong, I have guys that go after me a lot, but I'm so whipped emotionally because I've never actually loved anyone that the only way I can finally get away from him is if:

A. He finally just says, Emily, I don't like you, I've never REALLY liked you, and this whole thing has just been a headgame because I got lonely and you were convenient enough to talk to for awhile while I was looking for someone else.
Granted, he's not going to actually say this, he'd more say a lie such as: Emily, you're cool and everything and I like you as a person but you're to forward and it's intimidating to me so BYE! Sorry for leading you on for a year! Seriously, no hard feelings.
I'd be perfectly fine with this. 


B. I meet someone else. Realize Jack really isn't that great because I happen to find someone else I can relate to on that level and talk to for 3 hour increments and laugh at the dumbest shit that probably makes no sense to most people.
Yeah, good luck. Certainly not happening in the tri cities. I've accepted that fact that I will almost definitely be alone for the next few months.. July, August, most of September... alone alone alone.

And that's it. That's why this situation pains me so much because I can't really escape it. I AM patient, I've held out for a long time.. And God, if this is part of your grand plan for me you sure as Hell better make it worth my wait because this is bullcrap. Spontaneous fate has a way of showing itself when you least expect it, but it's hard to "least expect" things when you're so depressed about being alone that you find yourself waiting for something to happen. 20 + hours a week of guitar and lessons with Jacob has been huge savior for me. It's almost like therapy because I've gotten more self confidence, but there's still a part of me that's always dead.

I just can't think about it... without this blog I'd have to rant to my friends about this so what can I do.

peace.