Is right here inside
Let the winds of freedom be my guide
(Jeff Loomis. Reminder to myself to start paying attention to incredible guitarists again)
Lately I've had a lot of time to think (like that's something new), successfully returning my psyche to a productive equilibrium of not having my "heart" distract me and make me sad. That's the only way I can put the feeling I have when someone comes into my life seeming totally into me which gets my hopes up but then disappears for whatever reason. It's always a painful experience to go through that lingers with me a week or two after it happens.
This has happened to me twice this summer which has made things like being motivated to look for a job, practice guitar, etc... much harder than they've had to be because of underlying anger, confusion and depression. And at this point in my life the anger and confusion is not directed toward anyone else because it's so easy for me to read and understand why other people do what they do.
I get angry at myself for having any desire to be with another person and letting it make me sad what so ever. I get confused at why luck continues to be serially dreadful that this aspect of my life even if I know I'm very attractive, talented, funny, driven, intelligent, fun loving, adventurous, active... Which should be enough to make me happy!! There's no fucking reason for me to be "depressed" anymore. At 22 I've already accomplished sooo much of what I envisioned myself doing as a child/insecure teen and need to learn to be happy that my talents, intelligence and success will only skyrocket from here if I continue to be this self motivated trying to fill this hole in my life.
It's been two weeks since being let down by a guy who I'd been talking to who I thought was over his ex but apparently wasn't. When I realized that I didn't bother questioning it, especially when I know this particular girl went gone through nearly as much bullshit I did with Jack to get this guy. You know I'll admit I find this guy attractive too and when I found they'd been broken up for a year I thought what the Hell, but after a week of flirting and getting to know him suddenly it's obvious they're back together and in love and everyone's happy.
Good for them, you know. Good for every fucking girl I know that was once lonely and now their dreams have come true and everything's so perfect. I'm so happy for you all.
But more importantly I'm happy with myself and could give a shit about your happiness. I realize now I could die tomorrow and feel I've done all I could do at this point to make myself the best person I could be and that's all I can ask so I won't compare what I have to anyone else.
...I'm gonna go practice guitar for a few hours.... sorry for the language you guys. Had a lot to get off my chest but I truly am feeling content again. Having nobody on your mind does that to you. I'm also happy to say I got a job at Little Caesers and will start working there on the 28th.