But now it's time to kiss your ass good-bye!

This is a song that really hits the spot when you've been dumped again. 

It's 11:21 pm and I just got home from the tri cities. I listened to metal almost all the way home, I found it hit the spot more than the hip hop I've been listening a lot too over the past couple weeks. I tend to do that when I have a new crush, I break from the metal cycle for a little while because the attention is making me feel more sexy and happy. Ha ha it's unfortunately usually quite short lived. 

Okay I can't say that I was "dumped" necessarily because we weren't in an actual relationship and the words that he's not interested never came out of his mouth. But I think 5 days of no communication what-so-ever is a good sign Ryan is done in my life. 

I know that he's avoiding talking to me right now because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me he's not interested in where this is going I made things easier for him a second ago by just asking him if that's why he hasn't texted me straight up. He said that is what he's been feeling but the reason that he hadn't texted me is because he's been under a lot of stress. Right, no, more like you didn't have the balls to tell me we're done and make me do it.

It seems like relationships in my life have been these continual self fulfilling prophecies of disappointment. Men act in the exact patterns I expect them too. The fact that Terry is dating a complete idiot still makes me sick. We made a bet with Terry on the superbowl that I lost today (but I was rooting for the Seahawks, obviously... And they SLAUGHTERED the Broncos!!) and I'm sure he's going to bring that up to me tomorrow. 

The second he does I'm going to be like, "Ohh did you watch it with Claaay-er?" lol... God just thinking of her cakey makeup, fake tan, bleached hair, bonehead major.... It's so incredibly frustrating to think that's who's got what he wants. 

Alright I'm done ranting about this. I'm going to workout a little bit before bed just to work off some of this energy. I don't feel sad or depressed, I feel more of a combination of pissed off and determined. I'm a strong, intelligent, sexy, talented individual. I could give a f*ck whether I "like" someone or not, I need to surround myself with people that are going to help me advance closer to my goals instead of people that are just going to drag me down by causing disappointment. 

peace. 

This quarter's already getting fun

Evening.

I've now gotten a feel for what I'm in for this quarter. One professor I really like the style of, the other it's too early to tell because a good majority of the lecture was spent "stroking himself" (as my friend described it today, the man does brag quite a bit but he seems to have done a lot in his life so whatever. These professors suffer enough to get their PhD., get published and spend endless hours doing random research that they can have their time on the first day to brag if they want too.)

One of my professors is named Wassell I believe, he looks kind of like an older Corey B. and sounds like him too. His class is in the big room (115), where Terry and I screwed around and passed notes during managerial last quarter. I stood outside the class for a little while with some people I know, like this guy Robert W. who's in both my classes. Terry and I caught a glimpse of eachother. I smiled and he smiled back but turned away trying to play it off like he didn't notice.

Of course we did end up sitting in the seats we sat in last quarter. When he noticed I was walking that direction Terry was like "YEA Our lucky seats!!" And I'm like "F&^% yeah we're gonna get A's this quarter!!" Then he's like "YES high five!!" and I jumped up and kind of grabbed his hand...  It was just weird, we just got really freaking pumped  for about 2 seconds before he realized that he lost his cool and quickly sat down. I of course could give a rats so I was sitting there cracking up and he's like, "...but seriously though."

I really liked Wassell's lecture yesterday because I found him very clear, understandable, organized and cohesive-- everything I like in a good economics professor because it allows me to write notes and really take in what they're saying. When a professor goes too fast and skips around the material I lose interest quick... this is what happened in that same room last quarter. Yet I somehow got a B.

Another sort of cool thing about his class is that he apparently passes out hard copies of the homework then gives us answers to correct them which are similar to the answers to the tests. I'm really hoping my finance teacher has a similar system  because that class is going to have a ton of homework too. In both classes homework is a big chunk of the grade which is always advantageous to me. Doing homework doesn't really stress me out anymore.

But yeah my finance teacher that I had today seemed... interesting. He straight admits that his reputation online is "horrible" but that the reason is that half the people coming into class are just looking for an easy A and he wants to make sure we're getting our parents are getting our money's worth. Fair enough, challenge accepted. He also has a Mississippi accent.

I don't know if I've posted a picture of Ryan yet, I hung out with him for the first time pretty shortly before he went to Europe with some of his buddies so we didn't really talk for 3 weeks but we'd kind of "liked" eachother's photos back and forth every so often so I got the impression he seemed interested in hanging out again

So yesterday I was supposed to get coffee a second time with Ryan but he got jet lag and fell asleep. This was like at 6:30 pm, which granted I had postponed from the original time that he'd wanted to three times because I was frying something that took forever and made a huge mess. So yeah I went to Starbucks, got my coffee and my scone and talked to some Japanese international students until I checked my phone and realized he wasn't coming. 

I'm a firecracker when guys flake..... I refrained myself and just wrote "Wow". He did send me a text apologizing for this today and asked if we could reschedule for today but I didn't feel like it because I'd taken a nap and felt groggy looking. Tomorrow it is. I'll let you know how that goes. I really enjoyed his company the first time because he seems really smart. He made me laugh more than once which is not easy to do for most people.*

peace. 

*... Okay maybe that's kind of a lie because I'll chuckle at practically anything if a person is trying to make some observation  but that doesn't mean I'm always serious. 

Learning to say No.

Saying No seems to be a huge challenge for me.

Whether it's with making plans, buying stuff, telling people things-- it's just really hard for me to say "No" because I have this weird sense deep down that if I say "No" I'll somehow disappoint someone or miss out on something. I've been trying to work on this, and after some deep thought last night I've really come to the conclusion that saying no is going to play a huge role in learning to respect myself. Because I need to keep in consideration my health, my money, my success, my consequences; when making these decisions. Granted, there are always things that I will say no too, such as:
-Doing drugs. Actual drugs, mind you. And cigarettes. Ef both of those.

-Heavy drinking in places where I'm really uncomfortable or don't know anyone. Ef that, too. I want to be in control in those situations.

-Stupid free dental screenings at CBC. Yeah, like I want some rookie dental assistant poking around at my teeth and telling me about the many services I can get from other rookies with their mentors watching them. Nooo thank you.

-Really fatty food. If someone offers to give me the rest of their fries, I'll almost inevitably say no.

But yeah, other things... I'm not going to go too into specifics, I really need to learn to say no too. Like, say someone is asking me to hang out with them when I KNOW I have work the next morning and KNOW I have to get homework and studying done but don't want to disappoint that person and have them not like me anymore. What I want to know is, who the fuck cares? Anyone who actually cares about me will understand that I have work to get done. Life goes on. Because lately, I've been struggling in school because I've been pushing it aside to hang out with people instead of getting work done that I know needs to get done or I'm gonna be kicking myself and crying because I didn't do it earlier.

That and everybody seems to want me to buy shit from them. Idk if it's just because I have money all the time or what, but continually I'm getting people that want me to buy stuff. Like Leah recently, I can't seem to ever talk to her without her trying to sell me something.

Here's me at the halloween event, cute right? lol. The tail looks like a Wii remote.

Anyway, I talked to Leah for the first time in awhile and she commented on my collar, saying she could make me a real one. I'm like, "Ehh.. this isn't an everyday deal.." She then said, "Yeah I make them for costume and in the bedroom." I'm laugh, not really getting it at first. For some reason my first thought was as a decoration. Guess I'm not as perverted as I thought.

Once I got it I'm like "WOAH, noo I'm not really into that stuff." Honestly, I'm not though. She then continued to talk about all the stuff she's making, tra-la-la. But normally I'd be like, sure why the hell not, I'll buy something. I'm like this especially when friends are trying to sell me something. Granted, if Samantha had some art or something that she was selling, I'd buy it from her just because I know she doesn't have the ability to get a job right now (not having a car, etc..) but if someone is capible of getting a job, I see no reason why I should buy something from them unless I really want/need that thing.

So anyway....

Hung out with Ryan last night. This I think is the 6th time we'd seen eachother, and we sort of laid together upstairs talking about different things. I finally mentioned TWO white elephants in the room. The first was triggered by him talking about how he's going to be partying with all Troy, Jesse, Garrett, and Jack today. When he mentioned it I sort of groaned, and was like "Ughh don't bring him up." He told me that he didn't get why I hated him so much, so I finally told him what happened and why I'd prefer he didn't bring Jack up and not to bring ME up today, which I had a feeling wouldn't be mentioned anyway but I wanted to cover my bases just in case.

I also mentioned the second white elephant, the fact that I felt sort of strange about this whole thing. Like, the only way I can describe it is that when I'm with Ryan I feel like we're related. Which of course, we're not. At all. But I've known him for so long that it's strange that it would even relatively go in this direction, which he agreed with... Apparently he's been sort of feeling the same thing.

Okay so today, I'm going to say something possitive! Lately I've been noticing how pretty my skin actually is, which I guess before I never noticed because I had acne for so long. Like I feel like I can leave the house without that much makeup on. This morning, I was running late for work because I'd left my phone at Ryan's house and had to run over there with my hair soaked at 10:30 (had work at 11, unexpected shift that Dana gave me when Tracy was sick), and didn't think too much of it. That's another thing-- Ryan's now seen me in the following icky scenarios that I usually wouldn't be caught dead looking like:

1. With my hair all curly (my hair had been up in a bun that day. That was the night that he wanted to see me at 2 am. Actually, yeah the first time we ever hung out)

2. Looking like I've been on crank for three days (this was last night after my shift. I was freakin exausted and pasty from being sick)

3. Tilapia'd. Red eyed. This was when I was with Katelynn.

and lastly,

4. Literally out of the shower, wearing a rammstein shirt and knee length shorts, eye makeup under my eyes, wet hair.

Maybe, with that, I feel like I can trust him to an extent. The fact that he's STILL interested in me even after seeing me look like complete shit and I've completely acted like myself around him. That's another thing. I've put up no cherade (Charade? Cherad? I have no idea how to spell that. My mom says it a lot. Basically an "act.") around him and he seems to like hanging out with me for who I am. That alone, makes me trust him more than anyone I've been with this last year.

Work today sucked... I always feel like I'm making mistakes and that I'm going to get fired. Everything I do is always wrong. Always breaking some kind of rule. There's so many to remember. My dad showed up to buy some random junk and took me out to dinner around 7'. That was pretty awesome, there's this 3 Margaritas place over by where I work that has the quickest service ever, even if every time we've been there it's been swamped busy.

Well I'm gonna wrap this up. Right now I'm downloading the sims seasons via direct download, and it's taking ages. I'm gonna study.

yours,

Emily