When your first crush gets married..

Talk about a weird feeling. .

I mean it's not like I didnt expect it because he's Mormon. It seems like all the Mormons I graduated with are getting married recently; which is cool, I am I guess you could say "in love with love." I love the idea of a "happily ever after."

It's just when I got an invitation to his wedding something hit me. Not jealousy nessasarily because I haven't talked to him in years. It was something different. A weird combination of sadness, happiness, nostalgia and enlightenment is the best way I can describe it. 

I'm happy he's happy but seeing the picture of him and his fiance in loving embrace made me feel envious and sad for some reason. Like why haven't I felt that, I want to feel the sense that who I'm with is right for me.. both emotionally and physically. For years I wanted him more than anything but because he's LDS knew it was impossible and by the time I hit highschool gave up and forgot about it. I guess the rush of emotions seeing that made me tell my mom while we were watching some crime documentary. .

"Yea.. I don't think I can make that...."

And she responded "yea, Mormon weddings can be long. I'll make them a pillow as a gift." And that was the last we talked about it. And this is the last i'll talk about it on this blog.

Im happy for those people that are truly happy at my age. Really I am. I'll just keep praying its on my own road someday.

Peace.

..Gotten good enough that even my "haters" want in..?!!

Today nothing really out of the ordinary happened until about 5 minutes ago.

I checked my portrait page and had gotten a message from a girl who I've actually wanted to draw for quite awhile-- perhaps because I knew for a fact she's not a fan of me which makes it slightly more fun but also because she's slightly exotic looking. She asked I do a picture of her sons but because one of them is a newborn and the only available photo to me was from June I realized I'd have to receive more input before I start this project.

This was the only picture I could access of her son (likely because we're not friends on facebook. Lol which is fine like I've said before I don't expect everyone to like me or be my friend, that's not how the world works) 

Anyway, I'm personally stoked as heck I'm drawing her with an actual request!! Had it been otherwise I would have felt the pressure of the fear of her calling me out as a creeper because I'm pretty sure she hasn't liked me for a long time. Why? It could be any number of things. When I look back on middle and highschool that we all went through and how we acted toward one another I wouldn't be surprised if I said something offensive. I think about the insecurities I felt at that age and how some things that people would say that would stick in my mind for hours or even days afterward contemplating what it meant-- and who knows if that person meant anything by what they said! 

Regardless of whether or not she likes me I always thought she was an interesting person. In middle school she was in the honors English classes with me as well as took Mr. Zorn's class in 6th and 8th grade with the 30 or so notorious "smart kids" from my class. She was new at school that year and was sharp and outspoken from day one. She was of course very popular because she was new as well as confident. I remember she was the first one in our class daring enough to wear those 80's style leggings. . . .

Yup, definitely an interesting person that I remember going to school with very well. Though we've never been "bffs" (ha ha ha) I'm stoked as Hell to draw this pic tomorrow, going to be fun.

I also got a request from James L. who wants a drawing of him as Superman. This drawing is going to be EPIC and I plan to do it here in the next few days too. These are drawings that I'm very inspired to do right now but as my page gets more hits I'm getting more and more requests that have been sitting on a list or in a pile for months...

That being said the only way I can give priority to people that really want drawings is by charging a small fee for my time. I'm going to charge $15 and have people send cash by mail I think.. I'd rather not deal with the online payment bullshit. Anyone can stick some cash in an envelope.

peace. 

Lets take a speed-a-light ride

I debated whether or not to keep the blog entry I posted last night up and it ironically caused me to stress out a little in bed last night. I said some things that I usually don't admit on my blog, but I figure those of you that read this know me well enough that not much I say should come as a surprise.

Today's been... long. I can definitely say that. I accomplished what I needed to do-- I finished my studying and felt confident enough going into the test this morning. I recorded a total of 10 hours on that exam. If I get above an 80 I'll be very happy with my score-- but yeah obviously final is out of the question. If I get above a 90 that could push my average up to just squeak into a B and I would actually have an option whether or not I want to take it. Granted this is not likely, that test today was hard.... and if I hadn't of thoroughly prepared I would have been in Hell this morning.

When I talked to Terry in Managerial today he said he couldn't even guess what he got. I said anywhere from a 73 (1 point higher than my lowest test, lmfao, because I KNOW I DID BETTER THAN THAT ONE...) to a 92. Give myself a huuuge range so I can't possibly get disappointed. I know it would sound crazy that someone could possibly spend 10 hours studying material and not know it like the back of your hand. It's not that easy... Reading a chapter of money and banking the first time through would take about 2 1/2-3 hours total because the material was so boring that it'd either knock me out half way through or my eyes would start glazing over what I was reading.

I have found that as you start to get the material more and more it gets more interesting. You get excited and accomplished feeling when you start to understand it but it's normally not until right before the test where I feel this kind of confidence. Then you move on from the material and forget about it. That's why taking finals is important (Sipic said this originally and I was like "mehhhh"), because you get a chance to refresh all of the information that might have not made sense before but now you can connect it with what you've learned later and it all comes together...

Managerial was pretty entertaining and stress free today.. I mean considering once again Terry and I spent the entire class writing bullsh*t notes to eachother. A couple times we cracked eachother up so bad that I literally couldn't help cracking up in class. Of course really nobody in class was paying attention, this being the last day of class and people still debating whether or not they want to take the final and Ghosh was all over the place today. Most of what he covered I already knew from my public finance class earlier in the quarter, and every time I'd try to pay attention what was going on in the lecture Terry would bother me and try to get me to play hangman with him or something.

I've actually grown to like Ghosh a lot more as the quarter has gone on because I have learned a ton from the material from his class and it was a great review from Stats but I hope he didn't somehow notice me goofing off in class. The past few weeks I've felt like the days that Terry and I have been there we've quietly acted like middle schoolers.

One of my goals over Christmas break is to actually improve my LinkedIn profile, figure out that website, and start applying for internships in Spokane. 

There's a part of me that's really sad I won't get a chance to see my adviser every other day next quarter because he's really good at keeping me on top of things.... like registering.. Had I been on the ball with that earlier I wouldn't have this impending threat of my public finance class dropping me. Really, really crossing my fingers I'll be able to get into Tennerelli's (probably spelt totally wrong) finance class instead of being stuck in two more very difficult econ classes next quarter and an online class that I would have much rather taken this prof in person.

Oh jeez if you guys have a weird sense of humor like me you're going to love this. Recent discovery that I wish I could show Katelynn because I know she'd love get it..... 

peace. 

Being 16 nostalgia and delicious ihop

Good... night, everyone. It's late, for me especially, to be talking to you on a weeknight. 

To be honest I used to be a night owl. I used to get such exhilaration logging into Neopets and Gaiaonline late into the night and making internet world advancements that didn't relate to my real life goings on. Thank God for Gaia, haha. I no longer play that site what-so-ever. It's a forum site that you post and earn virtual "Gold" that you can buy stuff with to put on your avatar. Sound lame? 

There was actually a lot more to it. Man, seeing this screenshot really takes me back. Most of the time spent on Gaia is utilized in the forums. Whether your spamming, answering surveys to earn gold, doing polls, roleplaying, whatever. I really enjoyed that website.

Okay, fun side memory for you guys. I've decided that I need to start writing my old memories from time to time because you never know when you might forget these. As I can feel my brain hardening to so much nonsensical business knowledge I feel myself forgetting the small details of the past that I used to be able to so readily recall. When I write old memories I will try to bold them so that those of you that are reading don't feel like reading this, well, then you can skip it. 

Who the hell would want to read these, I have no idea. But those of you out there-- hi!!

Anyway.

This story is called: How I found Gaia Online

I was in middle school. Katelynn and I were hanging out together on an every other weekend basis when we were in 7th grade. She had a confusing life with divorced parents and I only got the opportunity to hang out with her every other weekend when she was with her Mom. She of course spent her schooldays with her Mom and her Dad spent time with her every other weekend. Her Dad was dating a chick named Kelly who had two daughter's over a span of about three years with Kelly. 

Katelynn wouldn't get to talk to me much when she was at her Dad's house, because when she was there was either going out to eat with her Dad or watching over the havoc of Kelly's house. I remember going there once. It was a light blue house that was sort of messy because it was a very busy house. Katelynn's two step brothers Keiton and Cody and her stepsister Casey all lived with Katelynn's Dad and there Mom Kelly during the week and would sometimes be with their Dad.

Anyway, for the most part when I'd hang out with Katelynn it was either at her house or my house every other weekend. It was always a huge treat for me to see her because middle school was quite sucky. I felt really insecure about myself for the most part, but I suppose we all do in middle school. It wasn't until 8th grade that I started to pull out of that insecurity when I was taking Paxil. 

At some point in the 8th grade, Katelynn and I got in a fight and did not talk for awhile. This was the summer before going into highschool that I was spending almost all of my time with Katharine, RJ, Toren, Damien, Bean... whoever else was hanging out at the skatepark. We thought we were quite legit at the time. We'd go on bus rides over to Richland to watch them skateboard around in circles.

The internet is great. Scrolling through my old photobucket albums I see so much personal growth and maturity in myself. All these things that I created for my online movies with random pictures I didn't own from google image search. I guess that hasn't changed much.

Wow, I think of how insecure I was when that picture was taken. I was probably about 16. Okay, I know the duck face is inexcusable but I look cute. I can't believe I sincerely thought I wasn't good enough for these turds at my school that didn't typically approach me. Probably because I was a little intimidating. Or because I acted rather bizarrely. That's my thing, I was always a little bizarre  behaving because of my interest in drawing anime and online roleplay, neopets and pokemon. 

Anyway Katelynn introduced me to Gaiaonline and I had a blast doing all the events and earning all the gold I could for different items. It was a time consuming project. I don't even want you guys to read the captions for the above screenshot. I'm quite clearly trying to somehow cover up for the fact that I'm really taking Gaia "prom crashers" screenshots for people and giving them away as photos. I was drawing attention to myself in the event like "photo booth" photo booth!" Lol then in all the pictures I sent back to them my avatar was in the picture. 

I was so incredibly self absorbed. Here let me take your avatar's picture! 

I send it to them and is has a picture of the back of my avatar in the picture, hahahaha.I have no idea why I find this so funny. Maybe because I know that in MY mind I really thought "that person will LOVE it, what a chance to be in a photo with my awesome camera man avatar." Lol also lovely kiss in the corner. 

2008... Damn lets see that was, five years ago. I was 16. Yeah that would make sense. This was really at the height of my gaia posting/hoarding avatar item days. I even bought a couple monthly collectables. Again it was just a nice escape from the real world. 

So there's a little about that. The story of how I found Gaia online. I hope recording these memories can someday give me feels. 

peace. 

I wasn't used to it. Being happy for the first time. [Project life timeline, 14]

Stare straight ahead, stare straight ahead, make awkward small talk, 

sigh, it's over... I can go home.

10 days

My arm hurts sort of badly and I'm getting a tiny bit nauseous from a flu shot that I got at work today. It was a flee immunization that I got for working at Rite Aid, so that was a major plus. Diane reminded me about it. She's our sort of dark, no bullshit pharmacist. Almost all of our pharmacists like me for the amount of hard work I do and what I put up with.

I feel weird talking to anyone at work, so I get nervous when I talk to the pharmacists or anyone else. I'm really just trying to hold my good reputation and not have any problems with anyone; even if tensions get higher at times. 

Today I worked 7-3 (I usually work from 7:45-3) because we had a huge amount of ad. I usually cashier and do front end ad but now they want me out on the floor doing actual tedious work, I love it. Traci was head cashier for the whole shift, I was so grateful that Jodi let me work the floor today. I did a great job and hope I can again for my last Sunday shift. 

Onto my project timeline! I've thought a bit about what I'm going to say in this one.

Project Timeline, Age 14

2005-2006

I remember REALLY liking this picture, haha. Back at the beginning of standing in the bathroom taking pictures of yourself.

The reason for this of course being MySpace, which was really big at the time. I remember the scene kid look was just getting big, too, but I could never afford to complete an entire look even if I wanted too. I never really stuck to a trend for this reason, I always had a really random assortment of clothes; they were okay though I mean my mom had a better sense of style than I did. 

I recall 8th grade being one of the biggest transitional years of my life for a lot of reasons. 

I was taking my second class with Zorn, my homeroom was full of the same
"smart kids" (I'm sorry to say most, if not all, of them were white, and they went from class to class for the most part) that I hung on the tail end of. 

I mean I was smart, definitely above average emotional intelligence in comparison to other students and I would occasionally pop a good computer standardized test grade... But because my grades hadn't been fantastic I had classes with most of the students at ki-be from one time or another. 

I was in my fourth year of band, still playing the trumpet and starting to lose interest in it... I'm pretty sure at this point it was just Scott and I, and Thomas. There were quite a few of us to begin with but over the years more and more kids dropped and band became a little embarrassing. I took a lot of pride in having the opportunity to play the trumpet and really worked hard at it until I quit after Freshman year.

What was unfortunate about 8th grade Band is that Parks had retired and we were stuck with Neilson. Neilson had no enthusiasm what-so-ever and we would chop through songs. Parks was a little weird but he was still an incredible band teacher and I still appreciate what he taught me. Learning that guitar probably would have been a lot harder otherwise... 

I'm going to be honest, I was never really friends with any of these girls-- especially not in middle school. Hailey and I had a fight just a few weeks after this photo was taken, I'd assume. Don't get me wrong, Chelsea and Emily were both on my sports teams for years and I respect them. Emily B. and I actually talked at Katharine's college graduation party and got along a lot better now that we're away from the highschool environment... but back then, meh, I'm pretty sure I probably annoyed them both.

When I was 13 I was a HUGE NEGATIVE NANCY. This got a lot better my 8th grade year once I got a little more confidence but even more so when I started taking Paxil. 

Paxil was after a long string of problems, though. 

Hailey H.... I have not talked about this person in a long time. I don't feel any anger toward her, it's just weird to think she's the only person I've ever been in a physical fight with. It's extremely out of character for me. Hailey is pictured with the yellow sweater over her shoulder.

At the time the fight was about Wiley. I guess I sort of dated Wiley for like a week when I was 13; probably freaked him out a bit. ANYway, I'd gotten wind that Hailey was telling people the reason Wiley and I dated is because she had told him to go talk to me. I don't know why this would piss me off, but I think I interpreted it as 'she was in control of that situation' and I used it as ammunition to go for it.  

I remember talking to Jake H. about my dislike for Hailey, just talking a bunch of smack about her the week prior planting seeds of tension between us. Jake did NOT like me back then, AT all. In fact he told me this just recently when we were hanging out during christmas break. He told Hailey shortly after the note and boom, before you know it we were catfighting in the back of the school with a bunch of people watching.

It was a pretty wimpy and brief fight I'm sure, I have no recollection of it. I do however remember going to Mr. Wing's office and cursing up a storm and then crying to Katharine on the phone. I got suspended, obviously, for one day...

The fight itself really had nothing to do with Wiley, even if at the time I didn't know... The fight was really about breaking away from Hailey. When I was that age I used to hang out with her as a "Safety blanket" because I felt I was more attractive than she was even if I had zero confidence at the time and she had all the confidence in the world. She seemed to accept me for who I was for the most part. That and she was an open and pretty intelligent person so I felt I could open up to her more.

She caused a lot of drama in my life, somehow. Though I do think I made a lot of that myself, too, just from being a big mouth myself. I don't know, I'm sure wherever Hailey is now she's being quirky, loud and opinionated and I'm sure she had a better time at Hanford than she would have at Ki-Be. I'm happy she wasn't part of my highschool experience, honestly. 

I never had to face Hailey again, though I know she's probably seen me around CBC. Reason being I didn't come back to school after that suspension 8th grade year. That day of suspension was that day before spring break, and I went camping with Katharine's family that week. I had a head injury and almost died. I'd rather not go into great detail about that experience. 

I didn't have to go back to school for the remainder of the school year because of my throbbing migraines. Let's say that I was never addicted to oxys but I was a little sad when my big bottle was gone. Just in time, too. 

Bahh okay side note I'm in absolute heaven right now. Tater tot casserole, weekend shifts are over and I have the night to myself to just practice and practice. Bliss, complete satisfaction at this moment. 

This was taken on Jeff's camera at his house. We practically stole the thing.

Katelynn and I had a falling out around soccer season my 8th grade year. That previous summer at Benton City Daze Katelynn had come with me to hang out with people. Well, me being still pretty funky, zitty, insecure and awkward and Katelynn with her long hair and large boobs... You can kind of imagine how this went. 

If you can't imagine, Katelynn got a lot of attention from guys and I felt jealous and couldn't take it. 

I remember the one day Katelynn and I hung out that went south. I had always loved going to Katelynn's and we'd spend a lot of time together staying up all night and talking, being imaginative, whatever. As we grew up we became more and more competitive, predominantly from my end because even if Katelynn's home life with Jeff wasn't perfect I thought it was so neat that she was able to go to the huge Desert Hills middle school when I was stuck at stupid Ki-Be where I couldn't find any friends...

As Katelynn got prettier, skinnier and seemed to have lots of friends at Desert Hills, I began to feel more intimidated and started bragging like CRAZY about sports and other stupid shit that didn't matter to Katelynn at all. This bothered Katelynn and she finally called me out about it at her house one day that fall in 2005. She couldn't take it and I didn't blame her.

Later that night I sent her some horrible bashing messages that she pretty much responded, "Okay? Lol." I was CERTAINLY put in my place. You see, this situation has taught me a lot. First of all, I now know how girls act when they're jealous. Second, I now know how to handle myself if I have crazy girls come at me like this... and I have, just in the last year. I'm happy that I learned this lesson when I was 14 and it was more excusable. 

Katelynn and I made up again in May. That picture was taken a time that we had hung out again after a long hiatus. 

I never liked this cut out, I wish I would have just left it as is in the store. This is genuine, though, Katharine and I loved cutting people's heads off in photos and sticking them on things. I came up with some really funny, weird ones too and I wish I could show them too you. 

Eighth grade really was a big year for Katharine and I because for the most part she was my only real friend at the time. Jordan G. had moved the previous year and that group that we had formed dispersed because Jordan was the glue that held us together. It's not like Valerie or Cheyenne would have wanted to hang out with me at the time. 

So I sort of just floated around.. I remember the popular kids hung out over by the backstops. 

Back then the really popular girls were Jessica, Haeli Z., Hannah E., Lisa B. and Genee M. (previously in the Jordan group mentioned earlier). Kayla S. really was the Queen Bee in middle school, she was so beautiful, confident and everybody loved her. She moved after middle school to Kamiakin and there was never really another Queen Bee from our class again.  There was a handful of popular guys, but when Peter Z. and Tyler F. after 7th it was easy to say that Sheldon B. was the King of popularity (bahaha). 

Having popularity in middle school was really all about confidence. I didn't have much until I started taking Paxil when I was finally diagnosed with depression. 

Once paxil kicked in, all my problems in middle school seemed to fall off my shoulders! I wasn't used to it. Being happy for the first time. I'd spend most of my spare time with Katharine and we'd come up with the most crazy, hilarious stuff-- songs, pictures, anecdotes, impressions.. whatever. We had an incredible amount of fun that Spring and Summer, regardless of the head injury situation. 

I just remember sitting in Zorn's class and he called on me to read the super boring, bland Social Studies textbook. I just started taking Paxil that week and I started reading the text in a weird accent and laughing my ass off. I didn't even care if nobody else was laughing, nobody was even really paying attention to the text and it was the end of the year.. Nobody else wanted to read, so I just kept reading because he kept telling me to read and I really remember it being the first time I ever felt happy. 

..but I think..

..At that very moment...

I stopped caring so much what my class thought of me, and I'd sort of given up. I was ready for highschool and something new. 

Overall: 

Sports:

Ha ha, I talk about bragging about sports earlier but I wasn't really a star athlete. I kicked a kid in the balls once, I was so embarrassed and kept on saying "I'm sorry!! I'm sorry!!" about 40 times. I look back on it and laugh though, I was a pretty wreckless sweeper but I wasn't bad. Mr. C (Scott's Dad) had played me quite a bit. 

Love:

I had a big crush on Scott for years and years and probably drove him completely apeshit. I used to give him notes and crap, it's really humiliating to think about that too. See, these are all LEARNING experiences. I also liked Matt M. who has always been really rude to everyone, don't really see what the point of that was. He's always been really pretty though; kind of like Tyler F. or a lot of other half Mexican guys that I've seen. 

Clothes/Looks:

I had really cared what people thought of me in middle school. I'd try to impress people by wearing tanning lotion and stupid polo shirts and other preppy garb my mom would tell me looks cute (it probably WAS cute clothes, but when you're slumping and having a bad attitude I probably would have been better off dressing dark, would have made more sense at least and I wouldn't have looked and felt like as much of a poser) 

I did start experimenting with eye makeup my 8th grade year though, and a lot of it was horrifically smudgey but hey, I was trying. Also started the side part bangs look this year instead of the straight across look that didn't do my face any favors as much as I had wanted it too.

Academics: 

I have never been fantastic at math, it never came easy to me or made much sense until I had it with Dickman my 7th grade year. He taught me so much and helped me get the confidence that I'd lost after taking it with Thomas in 6th with all the kids that are GOOD at math. Anyway, 8th grade I had math with the average kids in Harris's math class. 

Harris was known for being a ridiculous grader but he had to follow a strict government protocol for 8th grade that made him out to be the bad guy a lot. Though I think I only got a C- or so in his class, I worked my ass off and respect him a lot as a teacher and he helped me more than a lot of math teachers have as well.

I learned a LOT in Price's 8th grade science class because we had to do really boring book-and-worksheet activities IN class. That was Price's last year after some shit hit the fan and I never saw him again. I don't think he DISliked me necessarily but he did report me to the office a lot for my bad outfit choices. At the time low rider jeans and short cut shirts were in so I had a really hard time with my butt crack or underwear sticking out, super lowriders is NOT a good cut for any girl with a booty. 

I think my BEST class in 8th grade was Mrs. Hartill, then "Valdez" after she got married during our school year. She's was a very cute, sweet, YOUNG teacher at the time. I mean fresh out of college, probably only 23. She taught us so well, even if she was a little nutty at the time with her very intense lesson plans.

For instance, we had this enormous creative writing portfolio that we were doing at the end of the year. I wrote a 60 page book about this kid on the Titanic, it was intense. I can't really remember what happened but I used this BIG, thick Non-fiction book I'd found in the library and read it cover to cover recapping the events of the titanic before I wrote the story for historical accuracy. 

I got a D- in Herman's 7th grade because I f*cking hated Ray Bradbury and Sci-fi but here I am writing a book the next year using REAL information and getting a total A, who would have thought. That Titanic book paved the way for many years of non-fiction reading about other miserably depressing but fascinating events, crimes and cold cases. 

Alright that's all for now! Doing 13 tomorrow, oh jeez into the awkward stage. I'm going to have to stop at 12 though, it would be nearly impossible for me to clearly and accurately recap my childhood... I suppose I could try. My mind such a vault for all these memories that probably don't mean much but the least I can do is write them down if I ever want to reflect later while I still can. 

peace.