Yesterday's post was really poorly written. I guess I had so much to say I didn't take the time to look over what I'd said. The post will stay though. If I can't write freely on this blog, there's no point in it.

Today was good, work was smooth enough because I worked with Shelby and her and I work very well together. Tomorrow Leslie is going to split up our shift so that I can work the floor for a couple hours. I'm never one to complain about my shift routine, but at times the running back and forth on Sundays can get really annoying. I just get nervous that I won't get MY stack of tags done. How silly, like it even matters at all. I'm a hard worker, I'll get stuff done. I'll try to do as much as Shelby's tags as possible so that maybe next Sunday I'll get a nice two hour break again. Because to me being on the floor is a break, their job requires so much less interaction with idiots than mine.



Ugh, the plants! The fucking Rite aid plants that dirty up the counter tops! It's so annoying, I'm continually having to wipe the dirt of off the counters and use hand sanitizer to clean from the soot. It's made my hands dry, and I've never had a problem with dry skin. I admit, I do not take the greatest care of my poor hands. They're still young and pretty and I should take better care of them.. but work and my hobbies are a lot more important than how my hands look.

The calluses on my left hand have almost entirely developed to the point that it doesn't hurt to play, even with my pinky. Right after I play my fingertips are usually black from the strings so I wash them every hour or so. This makes them *really* dry. You can't really see the calluses when my hands are clean but you can when they're dirty from cash or something. Reminds me of my Dad's hands when he would work on the farm and he'd have to use that funky hand solvent.

Today I bought a lipstick by Rimmel london called Summer Angel but I called it "Dead angel skin" this morning when I saw it. After I tried it on though I knew I HAD to get some, it's a brilliant color! I also picked up some tanning lotion for Mother's day. That's tomorrow, but of course I won't be around to serve breakfast in bed or whatever.

Man, I always sucked at that sort of thing when I was a kid. If I was serving the breakfast in bed on my own, it'd be cereal or something lame like that. Yeah, cereal in bed is just what everyone wants, what a privilege to relax and get Crispex in the sheets. If my sister was involved, I'd be pancakes or waffles but my sister would want to do everything which would inevitably lead to a fight. Oh! And of course if I DID try to make pancakes myself I wouldn't know how to to make the damn things so my mom would have to take out the Bisquick and show me before going back to bed.

Hehe, ohh yeah I can see why my poor Mom got frustrated with me! I was such a dork sometimes. Well, that's all I wanted to say. I've got 40 more minutes of practice time to do and it's already 9:00 pm. I'll probably be up until around 11 tonight. I ate a big dinner and my stomach feels grody.... No red meat for me unless it's roast beef. It seems like that's the only beef that doesn't disgust me anymore.

peace.

I now admit what I've held back before

Today, I sort of had to talk about this with my Mom, and felt a little stupid about it. I find myself growing more and more humbled now days. I wake up in the morning with the daily task of three hours of guitar practicing, so I have to be smart about how I plan my day ahead to make sure I get that responsibility done. Then I also have the chore of helping out around the house; maybe helping out with the laundry and make sure I do a load of dishes every day and clean the kitchen.

My day starts out taking a shower. I step out, dry off a little, go into my room and add my miracle conditioner product. I then do my makeup, get completely ready and play guitar as long as I can before I have to go. Usually I'll go early and attempt to study but things are getting harder. I really need  to spend more time studying Japanese but lately I hate it and I just want to get through it so bad. It's getting harder and harder to keep up with the grammar and I don't see it slowing down. The way I see it, there's no stopping, I just need to sit down, get some God damn studying done, and figute out the material.

Anyway, my weekends, every weekend, for the past month now (officially as of yesterday I've been taking guitar lessons for a month, go me!) have been just working in the morning until 3 then coming home and playing guitar until about 9:30, working out, maybe playing some more, bed.

This same routine is over and over again so the point that I don't really see a need to break it. I feel content in this life. I feel healthy, strong, my head is in the right place. I feel my body is precious and I don't want to hurt it. I won't go into details, but I'll just say I've done NOTHING in the past month, with anyone. This hobby, along with my almost comical string of final dedication to CBC classes, new found self confidence. . . has left me totally abstinent. And I do not see myself doing anything anytime soon because I don't want anything to do with most guys that way. Why be with some weirdo right before I leave? Ha ha, seriously!

So to me, a kiss is once again sort of significant.

I remember when I heard he was dating her when Katharine was over. Somehow he gets brought up when shes around but never any other time. My mom told me out of the blue and initially I felt shocked because I hadn't heard about it; though I sort of assumed... I remember we had talked and then suddenly stopped talking thus he had found someone else. I have hated Jessica since middle school when she dated Sheldon Brock (who, at the time, was COMPLETELY out of my league so it was silly for me to think otherwise), because I was envious of her. Then she ends up dating Jack, the only guy I've ever really liked in my life. It was a huge slap in the face.

Though I honestly came to the realization recently that there's no reason to hate Jessica for "what she did." She dated Jack because she probably thought he was hot or something, woohoo they probably had sex and Jack's mom probably thinks she's SO fantastic! My mom was convinced they were going to get engaged, which I brushed off and thought that'd be just precious. Jessica didn't think of me when she dated him, and she probably had no idea that I had that any intentions of wanting to be with him again when we hadn't talked for so long.

Jessica's admittedly a very attractive person, she's got a great body, she's athletic, has a beautiful smile, and her ditsiness makes people feel  smarter and thus better about themselves. She has a lot of qualities that I don't that I could see WHY Jack would want to be with her. Jack has his own insecurities and I'm sure being with a steriotypical bombshell must be a huge ego boost.

But why is it that he continues to add me on facebook after I delete him and send me periodic text messages if he never commits to any plans or seems to have any intention of talking to me? Don't people understand how confusing this is to me? I have a right to be confused. Make up your fucking mind.

That being said the next person I kiss will be someone I really care about. I don't want some nasty ass creep kissing me ever again, I don't want some weirdo violating me. My health is at stake. I have no STDs. I survived my naughtier times.. I think a lot of girls go through this. But now, I feel almost completely numb to it. I don't have much interest in sex anymore, and it only took a month of not having sex.

Thank god I had this realization, I feel free. I don't care about what Jack does at all, and I don't think he has any intentions of talking to me this summer. He's single now but he'll probably find some other girl before he moves back into the tri cities with his family.

Though I felt freed from this, I also felt myself being very lonely. Lost hope in that aspect has left me feeling really stupid for ever thinking otherwise. I try not to get emotionally involved with anyone and I tried not to talk to him at all but when he texts me first and adds me first it's sort of hard to avoid him.

That and, I have absolutely no interest in anyone else. Josh was cute, I guess, and I see him at work all the time, but he's still way behind me in the path he's going on versus my own. He's still trying to get his roots planted, you know? I've already got my roots planted and I'm ready to grow the fuck out of here. I have a hard time publicizing this here on my blog but I feel it's necessary to have this in writing to get down exactly how I feel. It's not right for people to NOT know why someone hates them. If Jessica has heard that I hate her, which maybe she has maybe not, she probably still has no idea why.

I hope this all doesn't make me sound crazy. I guess I just sort of feel in a rut. I expressed this to my mom today and she told me to calm down and not worry about it. I try not too, and she tells me that she doesn't blame me for feeling the way that I do. People are in relationships everywhere, it's like some game. It's really hard for me to find anyone that I particularily like, and a lot of the time when I do really like them I didn't really have any game or anything. Well, now I'm no longer trying to have game with anyone. I'm just myself. I don't want anyone to touch or mess around with my body because I get NOTHING out of it anymore.

My self esteem is now completely satisfied. I no longer seek sex or men to give me anything that I can't get from sitting down and playing for a few hours and smoking a bowl, maybe going on a long run. And this has been satisfying my life for the past month now. So things are going well. I feel I have found my center. Though I don't have any love in my life, that's okay. There doesn't need to me. I am sexy, funny, beautiful, intelligent, now somewhat musically talented (or getting there) and I love my friends and people I'm closest to in my life.

But sometimes, I do get sort of lonely. Sometimes it'd be nice to spend time with someone. It's been a really long time since I've liked anyone, and I think the only reason I focus on the Jack thing at all is because it's not like there's really anything else going on. Jack seems to have his own junk going on, as always, and I'd rather not play into it.

going to bed now. night.

peace.

GUITAR PRO IS HERE! yay

Ah, goodnight everyone.

It's 11:26 pm, I'm waiting for one of my favorite videos to save to my hard drive. It'll be nice to have this particular video because I use it all the time and I always notice that the video loads EXTREMELY slow. Well, videos on youtube that have a particularily large amount of traffic (like, 4 million views +) tend to load a lot slower than regular videos. This was pretty frustrating because I always thought this was from a bad internet connection.

I guess that's what I don't like about the idea of Google's computers that have no hard drive. I like actually having the information saved outside of the internet because there are occasional times when there IS NONE. Yeah, no internet, how frightening! But it does happen, sometimes days at a time.. which is why I'm being prepared, haha.

Guitar pro 6 came in the mail today! I'm so happy it shipped fast, and it's already an incredible program to work with now that I'm getting the hang of it. It's not just a tab editting software, it has all sorts of neat little settings like a speed progression mode that really makes the user feel like they're in a race with themselves.

I did get quite a bit of Japanese vocab study in tonight, but I'm getting very exausted and I'm gonna call it a night here shortly.

peace.

Prostitution Massage Parlors Illustrated

I get irritated with how social networking works nowadays.

You're expected to be available 24/7, either via phone or online. People want to talk to you when you want to be alone, and people never talk to you when you feel particularily social. I guess this is my own perspective, but I've lost patience with the whole game.

I put up the event for my party this summer, how exciting! I invited... seventy people. Crazy right? I've never had a plan that could potentially include 70 people! Hopefully I'll get a good turnout and it's not too painfully crowded. I just want everyone to have a good time and start off the summer on the right foot. I'm always afraid my parties will be lame. I was DEFINATELY impressed by how last year's party went, so hopefully this one will be twice as good.

In comparison to last year, this year I'm much more confident and excited for what's to come. Last year sucked because there was no end in sight to the life I was living. Now, I'm pleased that I still have three months here, but I'm also content with the fact that a lot of my relationships will potentially change. These people at home will go there own way, and I'll go my own. Katharine told me to savor the time I have left here, and use these hours the best I can, make the best choices etc... I've been trying. I do my thing; take lessons, learn Japanese, get college stuff in check. Avoid wasting too much time. Get in the best shape of my life. Grow hair out, keep it healthy. Don't stay out all night. Don't drink. Don't pop pills. Smoke herb to relax, practice a lot of guitar. Do exercises online. Listen to music. Learn how to do my damn makeup. Do chores.

Yeah, I like my life right now, so I find my blogs are getting boring. So I'll tell you what else has been going on.

At work yesterday some weird blonde guy came in, he looked strung out or coming off some drugs or something. In very bad shape. Looked like a meth head to me, of course I wouldn't say that to Tammy. He came in to buy some stuff, and I showed him the same respect that I would anyone else. I sent him on his way, and he started going on and on and wasting my time talking about all his problems and I'm like "Wow, I'm so sorry... I hope your night gets better..." blah blah blah. Same garbage that I say every day. He comes back, like 20 minutes later, saying he needs me to call an ambulance for him. Note that we're like... a freaking block away from the hospital. He's standing, he's FINE. He told us he felt weak and that he felt like he was going to pass out. We called the ambulance, they came in 2 minutes, and we went on with business as usual.

 I bet medics have to deal with these type of druggies all the time. That trip in the ambulance probably cost $4,000. You think he has insurance? Probably not. That's the type of dumb bullshit our tax dollars go to. How pathetic.

 

Today I want to talk about prostitution.

I watched a documentary about human trafficking in America, titled "Trafficked: Slavery in America." I've watched many documentaries about prositution before, but they always had your steriotypical white trash trucker prostitutes. Whenever I saw these documentaries I'd always think to myself, "Why in the Hell would anyone be that desperate to go for a women like that?" Scummy truckers on the road who have dollars to spend, probably a wife at home, but is willing to settle for pretty much anything.

But what about inner city prositution? This was the first documentary that gave me an inside look at an illegal Asian prostitution business. I'll post some pictures and talk about how inner city prostitution works.

Disguised as massage parlors, prostitution establishments seek selling sex for cash. The better the disguise, the longer the business has potential to run before being shut down by the authorities. Prositution is illegal, therefore it is a shady and dangerous business. The pictures below are taken from a business called "VIP Massage" which only appeared to last a small amount of time before it was busted.

When prostitution is suspected, authorities go to the establishment dressed as "Johns" (a codename for men buying sex. Nameless, impersonal. They pay, they have sex, and leave). They look for signs of prostitution such as....

ATM machines in the lobby.

It'd be unusual for a legitamite massage parlor have an atm right there where people can access quick and easy cash without the paper trail of using debit and credit cards. Cash is the most liquid asset that can be used practically anywhere, which is why illegal trafickers only use it.



Cramped living quarters.

This is where the girls sleep and spend most of their time when they're not selling their bodies. Their makeup bags and suicases hold all of their belongings, just in case they have to make a quick getaway.

Simple products converted into capsules to hold condoms. They buy condoms bulk instead of individually wrapped.

The clorox bottle above is filled with used condom wrappers. The investigators cut it open to illustrate this. Notice all the disgusting toilet paper all over the ground.

Lack of identification. None of the so-called "massage practitioners" have their license or I.D. This proves someone else is in control, probably holding any information the girls have and threatening them that the American government isn't going to help them without a passport. The girls then live in fear, selling their bodies and working 20 hour days, hoarding all the cash they can to bring home to whatever country they're from.  

In the documentary authorities raided the building and tried interviewing the woman that seemed to be in charge. The girls that were caught are scared and refuse to cooperate.

A few of the girls and a "Mama san." The girls let her do all the talking, as they're probably instructed to do.

Many times the foriegn people play dumb, as if they don't see the evidence right in front of them and drag out the cherade all they can. The girls appear very scared, though play along.

The problem with "playing dumb" is that the authorities had been to the salon previously disguised as Johns and the girls spoke perfect English to them. Fail. Once they get the girls away from the Mama San, they often ask to be taken home.

The demand for the sex is often fueled by men of all different backgrounds. From what I've seen, the most common customers are older middle aged men seeking sex with much younger women then their wives are likely to be. For this reason, it's often hard to shut down the bigger name "massage parlors" because they have so much money. 

Below are some pictures from the Sunflower Massage Parlor in San Fransisco, a place that blatantly went against the law but hired good enough lawyers that it took three times to shut them down.

The front. Advertised on their website as being open 7 days a week, from 9:30 am-11:30 pm. That means the girls here are having to work those rigorous hours with little break. On the website people can customize their experience down to choosing the girl's bra size.

Inside Sunflower Massage. A dimly lit room where women of various ages wait for their services to be provided.

Girl that was recorded during a raid of Sunflower. She doesn't appear particularily afraid like at VIP massage, she looks more irritated that it's happening again.

It was a "House of prosititution" right in the shadow of city hall. Could you imagine walking into this place expecting a real massage parlor? Woops!

Another view of their living quarters. Their are hidden cameras everywhere so it's very hard for a girl to escape if she wants to. The people that run it know exactly where the girls are at all hours of the day, having been convinced to get involved in their business. You wonder how many of them actually enjoy what they're doing.

Just thought that was interesting to share on this blog. The documentary was fantastically done and I give full credit to them for these pictures of course. The Sunflower massage parlor got shut down by the authorities and left San fransisco immediately. They now reside in Worthing, in the United Kingdom. 







I'm going to call Lindy and see if she'd like to take a walk.

peace. 

My thoughts on pageants...

Payday is sweet.

Today is especially sweet because I don't have too much to spend money on except for some dorky kahki pants that I have to wear for the uniform change. Right now I've got approximately $1,700 in my bank account. My mom informed me yesterday that I need to be saving THOUSANDS by the time I leave and should get more hours, which I intend to do during the summer. Spring quarter has sort of been my vacation, I guess you could say. Not from CBC entirely, but I feel like only having one class at cbc is nothing to stress out over. I get my Japanese homework in, try my best to learn all the vocab... Yeah, my interest isn't there anymore but of course I'm still going to try my hardest.

I'm not the only one that's only taking one class this quarter.. then some others are still on the regular hard class load. I know that Andrew is taking another class, but he seems to skip it to hang out with us in the morning. Alex is only taking one cbc class I'm pretty sure but she's still in highschool so has that to deal with. Poor Hannah has FOUR classes. Taylor I'm not sure, he told me that he's planning on taking 21 credits this summer in order to graduate before transferring elsewhere but that sounds like Hell! Especially during the summer when time is limited.

I'm dying my hair right now. I accidentally went to bed really early last night but I'd already gotten my guitar playing in so it was okay. Jacob didn't give me TOO much new stuff to work on this week, aside from starting Under a Glass Moon. It's going to be quite a challenge but he told me we're going to "chunk through it." His favorite album is  Train of Thought, and I think he knows all the songs on that album along with a ton more but never really got into Images and Words. He's facinating.. I want to pick his brain for a lot of music.

STOP. I don't have a crush on him. Don't go there. I respect him and look up to how brilliantly he can play and I'm super stoked to be getting lessons from him (which is why I talk about this a lot). Well, that and it's taking up almost all of my time. But do not think I have any interest in him that way. Aside from that he has a girlfriend.

I ordered Guitar Pro 6 for $40. It's going to come in the mail. I'm going to abandon songsterr for the most part, though the idea of dealing with the guitarpro website and downloading tabs from there is going to be a huge pain in the ass. Guitar pro 6 is SOOO cool though, you can actually play along with the SOUND of the guitar instead of that dumb MIDI shit.

High Glitz pageant girl.

In my house we periodically watch Toddlers and Tiaras or that other pageant show with the annoying flamer as the host. I always thought my Mom and sister were just watching it to laugh at how ridiculous it is like I do but actually...

"National American Miss is an opportunity like no other. You’ll gain poise, self-confidence, and valuable communication skills. You’ll feel good about yourself and gain the competitive edge to succeed later in whatever field you may choose, from modeling to business. Check it out now!"(by the official website, http://www.namiss.com/)

My sister is planning on entering this pageant soon.

It's called National American Miss. She's wanted to do it for awhile, and I'm pretty sure the first round of auditions is happening here in the tri cities.

It's a pageant so they grade you on:

-How good you look.

-How good you look and how much poise you've got in Formal wear.

-How good you look and how much like a machine you can speak while you introduce yourself.

-How well you can answer some stupid questions.

-How much community involvement you have WHILE looking good.

Ha ha okay, maybe not so much on the last one.. but honestly, pageants are the most objectifying things I have ever seen. They're old fashioned and ridiculous in my opinion. At least this one doesn't appear to be high glitz, good God. The prizes are a not-so "all expenses paid" trip to Disney Land, some scholarships are available, cash, etc... Typical pageant prizes that are completely ridiculous because you spend a FORTUNE on the pageant itself so it's not like you're making any money when you earn $1,000 cash. In fact I've seen pageants where the dresses cost at least 5 grand.

BUT! I will be the first one to admit that I would fail miserably at a pageant, thus I have respect for my sister doing this and I will be entirely supportive of her decision. If she's happy and gets something out of it then great. If she wins and gets a huge amount of confidence and gets even more cocky than she already is then great. If she loses and gets knocked down a few pegs from her high horse ALSO great.

pageant photos have ALWAYS  creeped me out. This isn't the worst one that I've seen. I just hate how parents try to make their daughters look like something they're not with a bunch of makeup and other bullshit. To me, little girls should be outside playing in the dirt, playing dressup, being imaginative... being kids!

Nothing like sexualizing your kid with fake tans, hair extensions, revealing clothes and layers upon laters of makeup.





Because in my opinion, unless a young girl WANTS to do pageants and enjoys the primping, pageants the closest thing to rape. All the pain these girls go through to get their eyebrows plucked, their face skin burns from the makeup changes, the uncomfortable costumes, the bitter taste of the glue from their fake teeth.... All this work to be judged on whose kid is prettiest, it's sick and wrong! Makeup is so wrong on a little girl, so unnatural.

As for my sister's pageant, if adult women want to spend a fortune just to have four people that mean absolutely nothing tell them they're the best then be my guest. I actually look forward to watching this pageant, wherever it might be... It all sounds really scammy, like they make you pay a ton of money at each stage. Sort of like that "star search" deal that they had at the Red Lion every year where they "search" for models when really it's just a way to get people to pay a ton of money to get their kid's picture taken. Never trust talent agencies, modeling scouts, etc... especially if they make you pay money up front. Luckily, I was never very poised or had any interest in that sort of thing so I never had to go through that kind of disappointment.

On the bright side, my sister would be doing this with Katie so if it DOES turn out to be really scammy, my sister won't be alone when she dumps it. Katie is freaking beautiful but I worry about her. She's got a lot of the same orthorexic tendencies that I do-- obsessive working out, extreme caution to what she eats; I think she's actually worse than I am. Pageants like this where there's super skinny girls everywhere probably isn't going to help that situation...

Sarcastic smile, ahh! Here's what my new hair dye job looks like, I actually did most of it on my own. Lol notice how when I'm faking a smile it doesn't look good, thus I could not do pageants, hahaha.

It's 9:20 am. I'm in really no rush to get to school so I'm gonna play a half hour of guitar or so, take the laundry down and eat a little before I go. Gotta work til 10 tonight so I'm enjoying my time here.

peace.



practice log for week 3:

Day 1, 4/25: 190 min
Day 2, 4/26: 75 min
Day 3, 4/27: 290 min
Day 4, 4/28: 185 min
Day 5: 4/29: 220 min
Day 6, 4/30: 219 min
Day 7, 5/1: 220 min
_____________
1399 min
23 hours

Nice. : ) Though again I don't know if I've actually improved since last week. How sad, haha. Hopefully once I get through all this mechanical stuff we can get into learning some songs... All of the exercises that i've been doing have been cleaning up my tone quite a bit but right now I have nothing to show for all the practicing I've been doing because I still haven't memorized very many songs.

Alright I gotta get out of here, in the library and I'm getting anxious.

peace.

Self spoilage. :)

So stoked.

I've wanted this product for a long time! I put a little on my arms a minute ago and I can already see a little bit of a difference. This girl named Tia who's an expert on self tanning said for me to exfoliate really good before using it, though, so I should probably hold off really putting any on until tonight after a bath.

The random money spending was triggered by finding a $30 target giftcard lying in my drawer from 2009. I held it in my wallet for about two weeks deciding what I REALLY wanted right now to avoid impulse purchases in the future.

I got:

1. Million Lashes voluminous mascara

2. Nivea lotion (obviously!)

3. Dark brown hairdye (6.99)

4. A slanted eyeliner brush

5. A flower hair accessory, black

6. oil blotting sheets (50)

7. Makeup remover clothes by Elf

This was all just barely over $30, I think I only spent $5 out of pocket so that was really nice. I'll have to thank my Grandma, even if the card is from three birthdays ago.

Japanese today was pretty annoying because we watched a TV show after doing our kanji quiz. Granted I enjoyed the break, but God the people in those shows can be so loud and annoying at times and it's nearly impossible to understand exactly what is going on. Their humor is a lot different than ours, but I was laughing a lot at certain parts. Idk, I just felt a little anxious sitting in there watching a show when I could be doing other things. I decided to make flashcards during the video and would randomly look up and ask Hannah about what was going on, I'm sure she enjoyed that, hahaha.

Today I haven't played any guitar yet but I'm gonna get started here in a few minutes after I grab a little snack. Haven't eaten hardly anything since this morning. I don't know if I've lost weight nessasarily, but I feel like my body has slimmed down somewhat this year. I was worried about losing too much weight unknowingly if I continue my strict eating habits so every day I try to eat something that balances it out. Maybe a few hersheys kisses and a couple mini peanut butter cups, or a handful of frosted animal cookies.

I try to eat as healthy as I can, but a lot of the time food just doesn't look good to me. I'll look in the cabinet, practically everything looks unappetizing to me, so I'll maybe make some cereal and eat as much of it as I can just to nourish my body. Granted, I'm sure if there was more easy access junk food around in my house it'd be a totally different story. My mom and sister just went grocery shopping yesterday and got all my favorites so I should be okay for a couple weeks.

peace.