I hate money. . . God, what am I going to do.

My dad just accused me of overdrawing my account by $300, which is complete bullshit because I've been keeping really good track of my finances and he acts like I'm out spending money on whatever the fuck I want every day. Like I'm "taking advantage" of the card and PURPOSEFULLY going out of my way to go into the credit line. You know, just to piss him off.

Let me tell you a little about my money situation....

I earn a little money from ebay each month. I don't know how much I am going to make from month to month so I just put in practically all money that I get so I have a little income and can buy what I want/need every so often as well as save. I am cheap as FUCK. I haven't bought clothes for myself in over a year. My Dad told me last night "You have money, why don't you go buy yourself some shorts?" Wow, contradictory much? I didn't. I have two pairs of shorts, both of which are from Value Village last year. I really would like to buy some NEW shorts but I don't because I don't want my dad to get mad at me for spending too much money and I'm trying so hard to save. Honestly, the only spending that I do that is actually for enjoying myself is when me and Katelynn go out to sushi once every couple weeks, which usually costs me about $10-$13.

Most of my money goes to gasoline.  My parents think they've been the only ones spending money on gasoline but I continually have to buy it going back and forth to pasco every day. This adds up. I spend about $20 on it a week since the gas price inflation.

I am cheap. I am one of the cheapest people you will ever know because I DREAD getting lectured by my dad on money. It gives me panic attacks because he and my mom were always fighting when I was a kid about my mom cutting into the credit line. When he came in with his papers and starts telling me that I "not only" spent the money that he paid me back for the tuition but ALSO cut into the credit line $200, I literally began going into hysterics and told him to get the fuck out.

I've put away about $300... so my dad said I have $350 in the bank right now. That transaction for the costume probably didn't go through yet so I have about $300. I'm not planning on spending any money, if possible, this next week unless it's on gasoline. I'm planning on also avoiding driving or having a social life because that costs money too.

That being said, this is going to be a really lame week. I'm going to spend a lot of time playing the bass and messing with sculpty clay. Probably get together with Katelynn a couple times, but I'm not going to smoke weed because that costs money, too (I bought $10 worth recently and felt a little sick that I did it...).

There are things that I would like to buy, such as:

- A new computer that won't overheat on me that I can actually rely on not dying on me in the middle of my work.

-Some new summer clothes. Not that much, just some shorts and a skirt or something. I really just don't have anything and have just been wearing a lot of athletic clothes..

-Some new foundation. Unfortunately, this probably isn't going to happen anytime soon. I want to buy MAC because it's really the only one that works for me with my oily skin... but they're foundation are about $19 a bottle and the trip over there costs money so it ends up being a $40-$50 trip into town.

My dad doesn't understand my major problems with money because of what I went through when I was a kid. My mom used to be afraid of my dad yelling at her so she'd hide things, and then when my dad would see the credit statement he would freak out and scream for hours on end. It makes me feel so sick inside.

 I wish I could get a job but I always spend too much time with school and it'd be really hard for me to find a job right now with unemployment being so high. I refuse to work fast food... and it still pisses me off that my sister has a job at the pizza place in town because my mom recommended HER instead of me even though my sister doesn't even have to pay for gas or anything and I am constantly having to bug my parents about it because my life is so fucking expensive lately.

It makes me sick. I'm so excited to move out of here and SOMEDAY hopefully be able to put some money away. Probably won't be better at all at a university when I'm racking up lovely student loans.

That's another thing. I'm at CBC to save my parents a shit pot of money, and promissed myself and them that I would get my AA before transfering. Now that I'm almost done with this, I have been talking to my parents about potential colleges and they're set on Central because it's the cheapest and closest to home. I, personally, was considering Humboldt but my mom basically said "You won't go there" because of the out of state tuition..... I am hesitant about Central because in Ellensburg it's so depressing, there doesn't seem to be anything going on. I'd rather go someplace closer to Seattle. I really want it to be the first time in my life that I'm happy. But I have been telling myself this practically every year of my life... Things will be better next year. I admit, they have been significantly better now that I'm out of highschool, but my home life is a constant burden-- I just don't feel like I "connect" with my mom anymore, can't stand my sister most of the time, and I just feel like my Dad thinks I think of him as an ATM. I appreciate them not kicking me out, even though they probably rightfully should with the way that I've been acting around here.

yours,

Emily