22 in 1.15 hours. Government might shut down for it.

Hello everyone.

This birthday has weighed on my mind quite a bit. I feel like this birthday has been more of a realization of adulthood than 21 was. Any time I begin to feel worry about aging I begin to think about how much more stressed and insecure I was this time last year... How I wasn't barely eating anything while trying to cram for 3 hours.. Ha ha, thank God for people like Kevin P. and Burnadette P. that gave me advice about the importance of rest and good food early on.

Me about this time last year. Cute picture but that dingy green tanktop is a pretty good representation of what I chose for my wardrobe at the time. Actually most days I'd wear practically all black to class-- either jeans and a black tank top or black yoga pants with a black tanktop. I was so stressed out at the time that I only cared about what was comfortable. 

This time last year I was also going through an increasing amount of anxiety. Note that I wasn't taking Prozac until about January, by then having gone through months of panic attacks and feeling the need to completely cut myself from the outside world as much as possible. Over time of taking my medication my panic attacks have ceased and my general outlook on live has improved. This has come from the support of my friends too.

Today was a typical Monday. Both of my economics professors spent a good amount of time talking about how there is potential for government shut down over the disagreement about Obamacare. Now that I realize why the Republicans oppose it I can see why this is happening... Originally I thought it all had to do with republicans feeling uncomfortable about the government overstepping it's bounds by making everyone buy insurance-- when in actuality it's the CHEAP insurance itself that is the problem. If Obamacare is implemented it will likely be run by democrats and republicans feel like this will give democrats too much power because all the people buying cheap insurance will want to keep the program running and will be more likely to vote democrat. It makes sense.

Yeah honestly I didn't understand why the Republicans hated Obamacare so much until Sipic explained it today. I love his lectures, the way he says things just makes sense.... even this totally abstract tool that he's trying to teach us about being able to measure the maximum amount of utility (pleasure) people can get from the stuff they buy. By the looks of it finding out how to do this is going to be a complete b**ch but the way he explained what it was made sense which is always the first step to figuring this junk out...

The formulas in economics are really bizarre and abstract because it tries to make humans actions (assuming that they're rational) quantifiable-- then to be moved onto graphs and stuff to be used for a company's research. It's not as boring as it sounds; actually it's the closest thing humans can get to predicting the future.

I texted the guy in my public finance class who's also the president of the econ club asking him when the first meeting is. He's friendly and helpful and I got the info I needed on that. I also signed up for that career fair november 1st that'll hopefully land me an internship.

Moving right along, yay. Sorry this entry was kind of boring guys.

peace.

Suicide girls (....and more Luke, lmfao)

Evening everyone.

Today's been pretty productive. Today I went to the library and printed out Ghosh's sort of insane looking 16-page handwritten notes meant to help us with an article we have to write about by the 15th. I originally went to the library to print Carbaugh's handouts for money and banking but wasn't able to log in because of a caps issue in the username. I feel like a moron because I sent him a message about it but then I figured out what I did wrong and I'm like, "uh duh..." ha ha.... third quarter of this professor's class, you think I'd be able to get this shit right.

Anyway, I plan on getting up earlier than usual tomorrow to go print out those handouts in the library before his class at 10.

Today I also read about half of Chapter 2 in my Managerial book, which for some reason I find the most difficult to read. It's funny, because all of my classes are economics I'm having difficulty distinguishing whether or not I'm unknowingly giving one class more time than another. The material is really fascinating though and I know my listening skills have improved a lot since last year.

Thinking back to this time last year, I was taking accounting with that kind of senile guy, pre-calculus and that law class with the New Yorker that called me "Miss Wilson." Ha ha ha, yeah I definitely remember feeling my eyelids feeling heavy in all three of those classes at one time or another.. I also remember doodling pointless stuff in the margins and counting down the minutes left in class. In these classes I couldn't imagine doing that because I feel like I need to remember as much as this stuff as possible for my own benefit in the future.


Oh!! weirdest a$$ thing happened today!! 

  

pictured: Kelsey R., Jake's girlfriend (left), who's also friends with Rachelle, my friend Samantha's sister in law (right). 
Because I've followed Rachelle's posts on facebook for a long time I've seen Kelsey's comments but we've never talked. 

Kelsey added me on facebook. Ha ha this was completely out of left field for me because from what I'd heard she didn't like me much. Yesterday was her 24th birthday and she posted a picture of a purse from Megan that I worked with at JCpennies. Finding out that they were friends didn't come as a surprise to me because I remember Megan telling me that she'd gone to a lot of local metal shows. Kelsey is also friends with Rachelle, as well as Brandon C. and a bunch of other music people Jake knows that have been in that scene. 

Anyway yeah she sent me a message saying that "Jacob said you wanted to be friends : )" and of course I was stoked because yes, I'd wanted to actually get in contact with her for awhile. I want her to form her own judgement of me but also see most importantly that even though Jacob means a lot to me-- and has made more impact on my life than anyone I've ever encountered, it is not a romantic or sexual attraction what so ever. Lol and I'm thankful I'm not into him that because theoretically if I was and would have made any passes at him he would have inevitably harshly rejected them, gotten angry at me for violating the professionalism of his business, and asked me to leave. Yeah not something that I have ever wanted at all. 

But yea it'd be pretty sick to actually get to know her as a person. From what I've seen we have a lot in common so I have never seen why not. 

In other news Luke's not mad. I think. 

He commented on a status I'd posted last night: "Why is it so hard for me to have people in my life here....... —" which is pretty much what was ringing through my head all night last night. He said "Join the club." because I'm pretty sure this is what he's feeling living in Seattle right now. Like he's considering moving to San Diego to continue his music career but is at a crossroads about it.  Probably not gonna send him any more messages directly though unless he gets ahold of me first because I still don't know what that "failed to send" shit was all about.. lol.

It's still awesome to me that we're communicating on facebook because I really look up to him as a musician. He's got hands like no other and is probably one of the greatest living guitarists in the world. 

So yeah that's it for my weekend. Just studying a lot, practicing, BSing with people on facebook, then studying more. Ha ha, lame. Looking forward to school this week though. My birthday is in two days and I don't have anything planned but maybe I'll try to figure out something for the upcoming weekend if I decide to make time for it.

peace.

Hmm.. very uneventful first weekend. Not feeling great.

Of course I didn't make any plans really so I only have myself to blame.

Yesterday I talked to Allie briefly about what she was up to that night and she said she was going to a party and her friend from back home is coming. I didn't really ask anything about it but figured she'd hit me up about it later. I ended up meditating and falling asleep yesterday then waking up at like 9 pm.. She hadn't texted me again so I figured I'd just leave it alone because they were probably on their way out the door and I didn't feel like getting ready. Plus she didn't invite me earlier.

My parents came into town yesterday to assist me with my broken car. This week I'm planning on riding my bike to Shaw because the bus is inconvenient and my car likes to die on me in the middle of the road. Of course my Dad called me yesterday telling me I'm going to have to open the hood and "make some adjustments..." Uh okay I thought the mechanic took care of that. My Dad blames me for my car not working too, like it's my fault because I don't get it serviced enough or something....

Terry was asking me in class on Friday what I was up to this weekend but I haven't heard from him so who knows. I'm having a feeling he's out partying or something like most normal people in college. I honestly remember hating weekends last year because I never really did anything and I want to avoid that this year. It's going to take conscious effort for me to open up to people in order to make friends. I really don't feel like I have any friends here right now and I want that to change but I have a tendency to just mind my own business and get wrapped up in my routines.... Then on the weekends feeling isolated like this.

I need to try to understand what it is that prevents me from making friends here.... When my parents come here I always get depressed because they will point out places and I haven't been to any of them. Like I feel like I don't do anything here but eat, sleep, smoke, practice and study. Part of it is laziness because I never put the effort forward to find anything to do here because in my time off I just want to practice guitar. I feel like my interests right now are on tunnel vision so it's hard for me to relate to people that aren't into music... and a lot of people that are into guitar are cold

I lost my ability to communicate with Luke J. which makes me so freaking sad because I really wanted the chance to get to know him... I think I pissed him off because I was being nosey about something he was posting (about a sensitive subject so I should have known) and now when I try to send him a message it "fails to send" which I'm pretty sure is the nice way Facebook's trying to say he's not accepting messages from me.

It's just been a bad day, I just feel super lonely and insecure about where my life is socially and I'd like that to change. Here's to a better day tomorrow.

peace. 

Diving headfirst hoping I don't hit concrete

Very interesting second day.

Turns out I also have Managerial Economics with Terry on Tues and Thurs. He seemed surprised for some reason that I was in there.... Lol we're in the same major, this is bound to happen a lot. Anyway this was a pleasant surprise for both of us because we will greatly be able to benefit each other this quarter like we did last, except this time we're actually more comfortable around eachother now that I can move past the awkward guessing game and treat him as a friend.

I just enjoy how he challenges my intellect. Today he told me he has a roommate from Montana. I would later state that "Montana is the least densely populated state in the United States." Terry replied after thinking for 2 seconds, "No, you're wrong, Alaska. Montana's second."

Okay YEAH but if you're talking about inside the continental United States then I'm right.

Terry would later say "Yeah you have to get up earlier than that to beat me." BAH.

My managerial economics professor intimidated me today because he said himself that his class is "very difficult but he didn't want to publish that on his site because nobody would take the class." He talks fast and has a lot to say but his lecture was thoroughly interesting.

My public finance  paper that I have to write is super open ended and I'm planning on doing it on the connection between testing scores and how much money a school is given by the government. The school system like anything else is a business and the teachers always had this motivation to teach us how to get high test scores on the stupid State standardized tests and now I realize it had to do with money. 

Oh my car broke down and it's stuck in a parking lot over by Shaw... hope it doesn't get towed. Parents are coming up first thing tomorrow morning and we're going to get some things taken care of, like my financial aid and the fact that right now I don't have a bike. Walking sucks! ha ha Brooklane is like a mile and a half from where my car broke down today. 

peace. 

I can feel the changes

Man, so many changes over the past day I really should write.

I now live in my own apartment, though from the inside it appears more as a house. My room and bathroom is upstairs when my kitchen and living room is downstairs. I spend most of my time in the hallway where my desk is placed which is admittedly sort of cramped but it keeps me from slouching. My knees are usually up against the drawers and the back of my seat against the wall. Time to get a smaller desk if the opportunity arises-- though I do like this spot.

My neighbors are an interesting bunch... When they say Brooklane is an apartment complex that has families they meant it.. Actually most of the people I've seen here are either couples or couples with children. One of my neighbors is a single Mom with three kids. She was super forthcoming and friendly, though straight up told me that she's loud. Considering that this apartment was one of the last one-bedroom assigned here, I'm wondering if the previous neighbors had an issue....

I am going to give this woman the benefit of the doubt as much as possible that she will not be a pain in my ass. Having neighbors that aren't perfectly quiet is nice because I'm very quiet and sometimes the silence of last year got to me. Though I did witness my first yelling match between her and her son today that was pretty intense.... Apparently her son was goofing off today at school and doesn't want to do his homework and she's frustrated because she has her own work to do. Understandable. But there was some pretty colorful language that I never had to deal with growing up... I am fortunate.


Anyway!! First day of school. No "new" professors today-- I just had a class with Carbaugh and Sipic. Carbaugh's Money and Banking class was pretty boring for me because he went over the syllabus and how to pass the class and this is the third time I've heard it, lol... (btw I'm sitting by Terry again and he's not in my public finance class... good no distractions). Money and Banking itself is "Carbaugh's favorite subject to teach" so I'm looking forward to it being more in depth than micro and macro economics.

Sipic's public finance class on the other hand was actually really interesting because A)  He did an introduction to private finance and B)..... I was *kind of* excited to see him, ha ha ha-- creepy student status. He looked really nice today, it looks like he really got in shape over the summer and his hair is short...... He always has a way of making his lecture productive and relevant yet interesting enough that I don't want to miss anything.... Even if we're talking about the damn syllabus which is a day when most people don't pay attention everyone was. His presence and confidence demands attention and respect.

I was one of the two girls in the entire class, the other one being about 40 years old.

Didn't wear the adventure time shirt as much as the kid in me wanted too. Gotta at least give people a chance to take me seriously. But yeah, one of these days I'll post a picture of my awesome Hot Topic find.... dur hur hur lol I'm a DORK....

So yeah, really excited for what's to come this year. I plan on working harder than ever because I have no reason not too. I'm here, I need to take full advantage of every day to make it worth the incredible debt it creates.

peace. 

Out of Tri again.

Hello everyone, hope you're all having a super day.

Today is Samantha's fiance and good friend of mine Shawn Griffith's birthday, he turned 22 today. Happy birthday man, I'm gonna be in that same boat in 8 days. I've noticed turning 22 causes people to get their first queasy feeling about aging because it's one year after the big "landmark adult age" of 21. Shawn doesn't look worried about it and I shouldn't either... Ha ha his ability to enjoy life has always been an inspiration to me. Like today for Shawn's birthday they all bought power rangers shirts for everyone that lives in "House." 

I'm sad that I didn't see Samantha this summer because we were both working and I was always pretty broke because I didn't start working until about late June.... By then I was completely flat out broke and just wanted to recoup some of my losses by not going out much this summer. She knows that I care about her from a distance and want her to be happy though. 

Speaking of friends I've found that having not Katelynn's negative energy in my life has proved to be very productive, as I haven't drank since we stopped being friends. I feel like the timing was right to not be in eachother's lives and I honestly want her to be happy too.

I'm moving out tomorrow. The car's are mostly packed up with my stuff and some nerves are starting to set in. Based on the space predicament Miranda will not be able to come with me tomorrow. My parents have been trying to convince me out of the deal all-together by suggesting that I get a new kitten and that can be "your own cat." Uhm I'm sorry, Miranda's my cat. She's been there in some of the hardest parts of my life over the past few years and brings comfort and relaxation to me every day. I have to have her, a kitten would be a huge ass hassle. But if she does have a really hard time adapting to the new environment, it'd be something I'd consider. 

So yeah, just gotta pack the rest of my crap up... including this computer which I'd prefer to wait on as long as possible. For the most part today I've been unmotivated and packing up this would get the work done faster I'm sure but then what the hell would I do for the rest of the night (ha ha, so selfish right..?). 

Alrighty I'll talk to you guys later. Something tells me if my mom catches me still lazing around she'd be pretty irritated. Wish me luck tomorrow guys, it's gonna be a long day. I'm excited to be out on my own again but making change is always really stressful for me. 

peace. 

here's something that made me smile earlier... The makeup on the chick on the left is so 90's goth I love it.

Yo, just got back from a pretty fun evening out with my Mom.

We picked up a TV from Goodwill for like $20. It's one of those big clunky TVs but it probably works just fine. I rarely watch TV anyway but it will be good to have some ambient sound if need be. We also got a ton of dishes and cleaning stuff and what not at the dollar store to get me started this year. Because the apartment is going to be completely unfurnished I'm going to be bringing a lot more stuff up with me than last year. I'm "packing an entire house" (what my mom said earlier).


I'm getting super excited to go. As of tomorrow only 3 more days! Woo. Don't have much more to say today, I just lazed around, played guitar a shit ton and packed. OH.. one thing about my guitar playing practice ritual has changed. Unless I am learning something new I am not allowed to look at tabs. Period.

It's time for me to get serious about memorizing music.

peace.

Speaking of 90's goth and halloween, here's some Type O Negative!! Ha ha this band is a guilty pleasure that I somehow stumbled upon a few months ago. I say guilty because it might seem silly and dated to some.

Yeah you wanna go out 'cause it's raining and blowing 

You can't go out 'cause your roots are showing 
Dye em black - dye em black 

Black black black black No. 1 

She dyes em black black black black No. 1 

Lol it's so goofy but I love this song. Good metal.