Almost all men are horrible people and I wish I was gay.

The only thing that men my age want is ass. That's it. Yes, there are some girls that somehow are lucky enough to find good boyfriends, yet I seem to have the most atrocious luck EVER. I need to get the fuck out of Benton City. I'm going to BEG my mom to start up at Central in the Fall. I'm just so done with this stupid place. I feel so alone.

Something happened. Something that really makes me want to just crawl in a hole and die. I'm not going to post it here, but all I can say is it was, once again, a reality check. My taste has once again led me to being hurt and fucked over.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not attracted to any guys that my parents seem to classify as "normal", mainly because I always think I would never have a chance with them anyways. So obviously, this is part of my self esteem issue as well. So then I settle for this guys that aren't doing anything with their lives, or players that I THINK are actually something better than they are, and get fucked over. Again and again and again and again. I refuse to be someone's booty call, and I refuse to be with someone I'm not physically attracted too.

So what the fuck am I going to do. I'm going to continue to stay single, until I get out of here once and for all. I fucking hate benton city. I don't even understand why we live here anymore because of this farm situation. My dad lives in benton city to be closer to his family and be close to the farm. Well gee, after all this has happened with the family issues, there's really NO REASON AT ALL that we live here in the first place.

Someday, I hope everything that is happening now will be entirely insignificant. It must be.

I'm tired of being depressed.
I'm tired of being fucked over.
I'm tired of Benton City, and all this booty call garbage going on at CBC.
I'm tired of being unlucky.
I'm tired of feeling alone.
And worst of all, I'm really fucking tired of wanting to hurt myself.

yours
Emily

One step closer to getting out of this town.

Today I got my grades and I am more then satisfied with the results.

3.9 in Technical Writing
4.0 in Japanese

Yep, I only took two classes this quarter so I had no excuse to not get the best grades possible. My overall cumulative is now a 3.58. I am STILL making up for Mathesius. I got a 2.5 in his class, the lowest grade I've gotten at CBC, and I'm continuing to pay for it.

This next quarter I have my first math class, and if I play my cards right this will be the only one I'll have to take. My schedule is:

Japanese III, 9:10-10:10

Intermediate Algebra: 12:40-1:40 PM

Jogging: Online

Drugs and Health: Online

I'm going to use that extra time between Japanese and algebra to get homework done, study, and do work for my online classes. I'm hoping that if I get really good grades this next quarter I can get up to a 3.65. Though math is my worst subject, I HAVE to pass it in order to get my AA. This summer I'm going to take an accounting class because my parents want to see if I'd like it, but in order to do so I have to pass a math class. I doubt I'll like it, sounds like a pretty dry and boring subject.

Today I'm going to start doing e-bay for my dad as soon as he gets home. I also gotta do the dishes and clean up so I don't get bitched at. Thus far, Wellbutrin has not helped much with motivation, but I guess it takes time because it's slow release, and it's not speed. I'm very satisfied to not be on Paxil now, and feel like that alone is making me an overall happier person.

Today is going to be worth something though. I'm tired of worthless days. I'm going too:

-Fill out another job application (no call back from Lets Party yet and it's making me mad...). I think I'll fill out one for Staples today.

-Finish drawing my picture.

-Do the dishes.

-Start a couple e-bay auctions.

-NOT sleep.  I'm so fucking tired of my days being wasted by sleeping all day because I have zero motivation to do anything.

-Make a youtube video.

-Play guitar.

-Clear so my mom doesn't bitch at me.

yours,

Emily

Why I Run.

I run to keep in shape.

I run to make bad thoughts go away.

I run to get an adrenaline rush. 

I run because it makes me feel like I did something that day.

I run to burn off the junk food I inevitably ate.

I run to give my family a break.

I run because I want to be thinner.

I run to feel better about myself.

I run to see if I can run as long as I used to be able too in highschool.

No, I can't, haha.

I run to avoid hurting myself.

I run because it feels good.

I run because I like being outside.

I run for the sake of running.

This is for anyone who has seen me running on the path in town wondering WHY ANYONE would possibly do that.  

That's all I have to say.

yours,

Emily  

私のパーティー!

I am very happy to say that my first party ever was a complete success.

Before the party...

The day started out not exactly how I'd planned. I went to the doctor and he told me that he doesn't think I have ADHD but have bad depression and it makes it so I'm not motivated to do anything. I understand what he means, I think that's what it is too. He told me that adderol gives very rapid release and DOES make people feel good, but it's temporary, and coming down from it can cause even more depression. Plus, the other side effects that nobody had mentioned to me before. IT AGES YOUR SKIN AND MAKES YOU LOOK GROSS. Yes, if you take adderol for an extended period of time, it makes you age quickly.

Adderol might of been good for a couple days, but I felt a little bit zombiefied and didn't feel like myself and felt that a lot of things in my personality that make me-- ME, weren't present when I was on the drug. Also, not getting any sleep sucked. Still, I'm going to miss not wanting food. I would of lost a lot of weight. But, do I really want to look like a strung out crack whore? Not really. I can lose weight with control. But with all the junk food sitting around here, I need to stay out of the kitchen haha.

The doctor, who knows me pretty well, is going to perscribe me to something he chooses based on what I've told him in order to get off of paxil once and for all. Yatta!

Enough about drugs.

Me and Katelynn cleaned and cooked and made my house look really good before the party started. I love how clean the house is now, yes-- the day after. By looking at my house nobody would think there were 20 people here last night. Everyone was really respectful to my house. Katelynn really was a humongous help though, I don't know what I would of done without her.

Before we were completely done getting ready, we picked up Jodi and Jon. Jon was really nice to set up the PS3 so that there could be Call of Duty going on upstairs. Katelynn had made some pasta salad, so we had a ton of chips, dip, pasta salad, soda, and california rolls. I had to do a ton of random things like empty out the 1950's Coleman cooler of... random pipes and crap, clean it out, put ice in it, then the soda. Katelynn did a lot of the decorating while I was making the Cali rolls.

I asked Josh Harshman to come next. He's a really good friend of mine and was the only person from the highschool who came. He helped me a bit and hung out with Jodi and Jon for the most part. He fell asleep on the couch and it was funny, but nobody really cared much, haha. He's supported me so much that he can sleep anywhere he wants, I didn't mind.

The next people to come were Sarah M., her brother and Ashleigh. Ashleigh was wearing a blanket on her head, as if it was a disguise or something. It was pretty... awkward, but I tried to make Ashleigh feel welcome regardless. The brought gumdrop candies. Sarah wanted her to come so she'd have someone to talk too, but Sarah ended up really warming up to everyone and played Just Dance 2. Just Dance totally made the party-- everyone loved it. This was at about 7:30 pm-ish, the party was planned to start at 8'.

Kyle W. came next. He brought a couple Wii remotes and totally saved the day because it enabled everyone to play at once on the big downstairs projector. That thing has really come in handy because it makes a huge screen, and I'm so glad my mom set it up. Kyle brought a lot of pop and sunchips. I was already pretty happy with the turn out at this point.

At about 8' pm until about 10' pm lots of people started to show up. Chris S. and his girlfriend brought this huge chinese food platter from Yokes and everyone LOVED it. I was so happy that he did, too. For some reason, Chris's eyes were super red, and I noticed that everyone's eyes were red for some reason... I have yet to figure out what that was from.

The rush of people that showed up around 8:30-8:45...

Manuel A. showed up shortly after them, then the fangirls-- Jenee, Ashley, Betsy, Caitlin, and Alex. Taylor and Sean came too and played Just Dance like CHAMPS. I have a video of it in my camera... Then Jon Stewart came too. Erin and her boyfriend Jeff H. showed up and hung out with Ashleigh prodominantly. My friend Andrew from Symbolic Logic came, and so did Andrew Crawford later that night. Leah and Michael brought coffee brownies which made people WIRED. Then Kia and a couple second year students that I haven't met before. They were pretty cool, I think they were some of Benny's friends.

So that was the group! After all this talk of DJs, and all these people invited that I didn't know, it ended up just being a big nerd party-- just the way I like it. :) It was a blast and I'm pretty sure everyone had fun too. This is the downstairs where we all hung out for the most part playing Just Dance and Rockband, though at the beginning kept on messing up which was making me so irritated.

I didn't take enough pictures at this party, but I'll post the ones I did take. Here's me and Sean. I was really happy he made it, too. I have the funniest video of him and Taylor dancing, it was amazing. He knew how to work a wii, too... I am such a Wii fail.

These guys only showed up for a little while. The guy in the middle got bitched out by my dad because he poured gasoline on the fire outside when they wanted to light the bonfire. I thought it was too bloody cold outside, but since it was set up they might as well. I joked with them saying "Hey you guys want to light it up just throw some gasoline on there." This was obvious sarcasm though, I didn't expect him to actually do it. He did, and... it was a pretty epic fire when it started. My dad was a little freaked out  but the fire was so far from the house it wouldn't of caused any problems anyway.

Short lived fire, but I was laughing my ass off so hard when the guy actually put gasoline on the fire. Kia is really sweet and I wish she could of stuck around longer. She had work in the morning though.

Yes this photo has a border on it for effect, haha.

I was really happy to see how much Jon came out of his shell last night. He's usually really quiet but he was dancing and singing in Rockband and everything. It was really legit.

OH! Funny shit.

My sister, Bean and Sheen came downstairs to "witness" the party, and when she saw everyone playing Just Dance she wanted to play a song. Bean and Avery came in and... well, pretty much played like experts doing a choreographed dance. I have never seen everyone go from so talkative and having a good time to... complete silence. My sister and her friends totally momentarily crashed my party, haha. It just shows how all of us have the same feelings about cheerleaders and the typical highschool preps. We ALL went through feeling out of place when surrounded by people like them, and it was just blatantly obvious when they came in the room.

NOBODY likes it when one person comes in that is way better at a game than everyone else and makes everyone feel awkward.

Me and Katelynn had a little tilapia last night which made the Ashleigh thing a bit more bearable. I had to really bite my tounge when I heard that she was talking about the Ieyasu thing AGAIN when she was sitting upstairs with Erin. I noticed that when I came inside, her and Erin gave me a very, VERY dirty look. I would of probably said something, but I really wanted everyone to have a good time. Still, GET OVER IT. God, I let you come in my house and you start trying to cause drama. Wasn't going to let it happen.

So overall, SUCCESS. I've gotta go though, have stuff to do today. Gonna run a resume over to lets party and I have to pick up my perscription.

yours

Emily

Nothing in the world I hate more.

Adderal is out of my system now, and I feel like my regular, miserable self again.

It was nice to feel normal for a couple days, though during one of the days I made a huge mistake and now I'm kicking myself over it. But regret is pointless. As the thought of it continually harasses me and buzzes around in my head, I feel that there isn't much that can make me feel lower at this point.

Fortunately, my dad is going to show me how to list things on Ebay this weekend so I'll be making some money at least and will have something to fill my time. Today I had a migrane and slept, a LOT. Couldn't find the motivation to do anything. I had a doctors appointment and explained my circumstances with the help of my mom, and she gave me a survey to fill out. She's going to grade the survey and hopefully I'll have my prescription for Adderal by Friday. I hate that I'm potentially going to be diagnosed with another mental disability.

But then I got to thinking, perhaps ADHD is a huge contributor to my self esteem itself. I am never satisfied with anything I do, which is a symptom of ADHD. Then the fact that my mind always seems cluttered by useless, irreverent bullshit that either makes me feel down on myself or humiliated. This is what I'm feeling now, and writing about it might make things a bit better.

My aunt Ellen made me feel a lot better about this with a comment that she recently made to me on an entry I made last week.

"I absolutely wouldn't want to go through being your age again for any amount of money. It's not an easy time. Depression makes it much harder. I speak from experience. It will get better. Really. That's not me just trying to say something nice. It really will get better."

She wrote a lot more but this immediately made me feel better tonight. Though it's not anything different then say, my mom has said, she has actually been through what I'm going through. People that have never been through depression do not understand how difficult it is to overcome. Things ARE turning around though. I've decided this, and I think that is the first step-- to DECIDE that things are going to get better.

Because the way that I look at it, this is MY life, and what matters is ME because that is all that matters in the end. I should stop obsessing on things that have happened before because more then likely I am the only one that remembers them, as they play over and over in my head like a broken record.  I'm not saying that I need to be vain, but I need to feel content with what I have and what is happening currently in my life instead of dwelling on the past or worrying TOO much about the future. Because it seems like at every stage of my life so far, I've been miserable and telling myself that things will get better at other times.. In middle school I always told myself things would get better in highschool, and they did, but I was still unhappy. Then I said college would be better, and now at CBC things ARE MUCH better than highschool. So why am I still feeling this monthly depression?

This is why I take medication.

Because really, taking a look at my background and my past, this is never going to get any better without help. I have a chemical imbalance. It's a disease. I'm sitting here, ranting to this blog again. Rantrantrant. Fuck. I am so tired of this. 

My sister is being a whiny little shit about her car, or lack of one. Whah whah Emily got a car before she got her license, oh whah I have to save money! Whah I have a bunch of cute guys that are constantly coming over and telling me how great I am, whah! Whahhhh I have a ton of friends and I'm popular, whah!

She has a job that she lucked out in getting because my mom handed it to her. So she has to save for her first car, and so she's bitching to my parents about it continually and making everyone on eggshells. Because of this, my mom has been letting Avery use my van and she's been using my car, which means I'm stuck in my house until one of them gets home. Sometimes my mom doesn't get home until 6', and my sister is always going someplace too. Now my DAD wants to take my car tomorrow. 

Shit my mom needs the computer...

yours,

Emily

 

Adderall.

I need to make this quick because I have an hour and eighteen minutes to write this. My mom's computer is going to die, and because I'm timed I feel a little rushed.

Yesterday was incredible. Fantastic. Amazing. I really can't begin to describe how it felt to finally have a day like this, and I think it contributes to adderall. What happened was, when me and Corey were driving home from school, we started talking about ADHD and how he has it and how it's effected him. He told me that it makes it really hard for him to focus in school, which I can relate too.. Sometimes, when I'm studying my Japanese, I'll write the vocab words over and over and over and while doing so while space off and think of something else, then come back and realize that I hadn't absorbed the word that i'm writing. Anyway, this was just one of many examples that we were running off.

He told me that he takes an ADHD medicine called Adderall that has dramatically improved his life because it has helped his grades, helped him study, and his confidence. I explained to him that I take an anti-depressent called Paxil, and I am currently looking to find another anti-depressent because Paxil does not help me at all anymore. This last week when I was almost chronically depressed, I was still taking Paxil, and I got the feeling that it does not help me at all anymore. He told me that Adderall can work as an anti depressent as well. He offered me one, and I took it. I was convinced. ***note: He did not PUSH it on me, but after talking to me about it and explaining my distaste with Paxil, I thought I'd give it a trial shot. This was all me.***

At first, I felt nothing. We got back to my house and I made us some corn dogs from the freezer, which he apparently likes-- ick. Suddenly, about forty-five minutes after we got home, I felt an incredible wave of calm. All of my negative thoughts suddenly melted. I felt calm, content, NORMAL. We spent most of the rest of the time we spent together talking and watching south park, then we had to go pick up my broken down car out in Kennewick.

After Corey (who is a lifesaver for driving me not only to and from school but out to get my car) left, I laid down for a bit and read for awhile until Katharine came over. Me, my mom, and Katharine all sat around and talked and my mom said she noticed a significant improvement in my attitude. At first I said that this all had to do with the fact that I felt like the weight of finals had been off my shoulders, but then I admitted to them that I had taken Adderall. They said that though I was a lot sweeter, I didn't act out of the ordinary. Katharine said that her brother was taking adderall again for his ADHD and he has lost a sufficient amount of weight and his confidence is up.

Honestly, I don't know if I have or don't have ADHD, and if I started taking Adderall it would be for an anti-depressent and a way to get off of paxil. I've done some research and there are some obvious pros and cons to it:

Pros:
-Today they kicked my depression's ASS. I can't even describe how calmed down and happy I felt. I felt like a ton of weight was off my shoulders.

-It does help you focus. Corey said that it is used as a "study-drug" because people take it to help them study for tests. I get pretty good grades already, but it'd be nice to be able to retain information better without having to cram so hard with little success because of the amount of distractions.

-If it's as good as it seems, could dramatically improve my life overall.

Cons:

-It's 3 f'ing AM and I'm wide awake. I've been awake all day, and yet I can't sleep now. That's a little scary but I think if I got a tolerancy to the drug and took a lower dosage this wouldn't be a problem (the one I took was 25 mg, and I took it in the afternoon).

-Decreased appetite. This is sort of a good thing and a bad thing but I do not crave food at all, yet all I've had to eat all day is two small bowls of cereal. This is very unusual for me.

-Some people on a "Adderall Side Effects" page are saying that while using it, it led to dependence and continually increasing their doseage until they were having hallucinations and such. I think honestly anybody could do this with any drug. I mean, I could of gone to the doctor and asked for higher doses of Paxil when I got depressed.

That's all the information I've discovered on it so far. A lot of the stories on the Adderall reviews page are contradictory, and people keep asking questions if the drug can lead to random side effects like joint pain and hair loss. I don't know, I'm going to talk to my doctor about it. I'd really like to get off of Paxil, especially with Spring break here and all.

yours,

Emily

Crack head moldy tofu smelling computer lab.

Look how cute my baby girl Miranda is. I mean seriously, how can you get more cute than this? My cat is undoubtably the cutest cat in the world and I don't care if anyone disagrees.

I am currently in the computer lab, waiting for Corey to get done with his final so we can go play tennis. I just got done with both of my finals, and now I practically have two weeks off of school. This isn't good because I need a job. My parents do NOT want me at home for two weeks and I don't blame them considering that I wouldn't want to have to deal with me dwelling being stuck at home either.
God it smells really funny in this room, like... how I would imagine moldy tofu, combined with cheap perfume and wet, dirty clothing. There is this one woman who busted into the computer lab when we were taking a final that looks like a crack head (no teeth,  that is sitting a couple seats down from me. I'm putting this in small text to avoid her walking by and seeing. I encourage anyone to go to school, but god something just does not smell clean....

Shit corey's here.

yours,
emily