Somewhat of a setback

Evening.

Yesterday was not a fun day. It shook me really hard and I'm still having a difficult time forgiving myself for what happened even if I tried as hard as I could.

I had to withdraw from finance again to avoid a failing grade because I completely bombed my test on Monday. After spending hours drilling the problems online and thinking I had a decent grasp on the material. Come to find out I didn't comprehensively what so ever. The test questions don't go in order from easiest to most difficult, the concepts are mixed up and if you don't know the appropriate steps and formulas to get your answer your pretty much f*cked.

Soo, I'm going to be taking it with Tenerelli in the Fall. He's the one finance professor that apparently goes slow enough or has some other method that helps get people through it. I f*cking hate how hard this class is for me and that even after all the work I did I was somehow still completely oblivious to my own ignorance.

I took it out really hard on myself last night. Not living up to my own standards makes me feel psychotic and almost suicidal because I feel like self improvement is the only thing that I live for at this point. Failure is my biggest nightmare.

Lately I've been watching any documentaries
I can find about Russian ballet. 

But only with tribulations in life do you discover your inner strength. I am not going to flunk out of college and I will not allow this class to keep me from getting my degree. I'm going to now use this quarter as an opportunity to better understand R and my forecasting class and really be able to put some effort into my paper for my capstone course. Taking finance is so draining on my time and psyche because I'm constantly working on homework and constantly feeling nervous about homework being due that I only half understand the procedures for. Then when I actually do the homework my anxiety is super high because if you make one tiny rounding or decimal error in the intermediate steps whole problem is wrong and it's EXTREMELY frustrating.


I think I had mentioned to you guys that I had asked for Kyle's number to help me study for the test on Sunday and he said he'd be totally down on Friday. I did not text him at all during the weekend, I told myself I wouldn't talk to him until I actually *did* need his help so I didn't make it seem like I got his number to get to know him or anything (lol I've learned that guys generally don't like making conversation via text and things can be so easily misread so why even risk it). But I did text him Sunday when I needed help and didn't get a response which kind of sucked my motivation somewhat.

This morning he passed me on the way to Carbaugh's class and asked me how I did. Kind of sucked having to say that I failed. I really wish I could have said "Oh I stressed out for nothing!! I studied my ass off on Sunday and probably did fine!..." like I've said for practically every one of my other tests I've taken in college but instead I had to say, "Pretty terrible. I failed."

It sucked so bad. And having this happen means that I'll be taking one online class for my business minor this Summer to make up for the one I won't be doing in the fall. If I don't get this internship with enterprise I'm going to be moving back to the tri cities again in a month and a half. That for me is hard to believe as well and makes me determined to work as hard as I can until that point.

That's all for now.

peace. 

What a freakin night, the 6 hour assignment of doom.

Forecasting is.... incredibly challenging. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have Michael's help. He saved my ass yet again on the homework.

I'll back up. As you guys know I've been working on this assignment little by little since Monday as well as try to keep up on my finance. I got about 3/4 of the homework done last night and thought I'd have no problem finishing it today. Unfortunately my forecasting homework took me 6 hours, two of which were spent correcting my code for the first problem. Like every other time I try to do anything in R, I hit a wall and wonder what the hell I should do.

This morning I woke up early to meet with Wassell and get some help on the code but he wasn't in his office when I got there.

Colby met me upstairs in the library to work on the assignment around 7:30. He had made plans with Rylan and this other guy who's got a really good grasp of the material to work on the material as well but they were MIA. It was about the point that Colby got caught up to me that I realized we were in the exact same boat and needed help. I started calling people I knew from the class and nobody picked up, except Michael G. (and you can just imagine me thinking, THANK. GOD......) He told us that he and Jessie were actually working on the assignment in Shaw and we could meet them there. Yes! Salvation! 

So here we all are in the Shaw computer lab around 8:20 and it closes at 10'. Michael pretty much instructed us step by step how to do it on an overhead and I followed along. This program is so painfully confusing to me, I'm trying to grasp how all of this syntax works the best that I can but there's so much more to it. I have a decent understanding of statistical models but choosing the right ones and making good inferences on them is an art. One that is not easily attained in 5 weeks or however long I've been in this quarter....

Wow it's getting really late.... The GOOD news is the assignment is now done (Michael and Colby actually came over after we got booted from the lab at 10 and worked for another 2 hours on it). Michael has a ton of people bugging him all the time about helping him with R so he's going to start having weekly R sessions to go through the homework.

Michael's got such an obnoxiously huge ego from all of this. I can see why, he's the center of a lot of positive attention for being so good at this and starting graduate school next year. That's fine, I'm proud of him. I'm just tired of hearing how great he is because I have to hear about it every day. He knows that he's smarter than everyone else, and that he's helping me survive this class, and thus pretty much has a free pass to say whatever he wants and be as condescending as humanly possible.

I've been listening to so much Pantera lately.

At least tomorrow's Friday. Another week I've survived. Next week is the test week for block 2, I've got my finance test on Monday that I'll be studying for a lot this weekend and Carbaugh's test on Wednesday which I will also be studying for ahead of time because I've got the next horrible forecasting assignment due Wednesday as well.

There's also one big assignment on the backburner which is my Econ 406 persuasive paper about why I believe Japan should continue to raise taxes and cut spending.

It will never be harder than this in my life. I just have to keep pushing forward. I have no choice, the time is going to go by anyway and I can't let fear keep me from doing what needs to be accomplished.


peace. 

The Awkward Couch story

Wow, I would have to say this is my favorite drawing I've completed yet.
My second favorite is a tie between the drawing of Delegacy and Myth. 

The drawing of Myth that I did was actually one of my first I did. It's beginning to feel a little old considering the number of drawings I've completed since, but there's something I really love about this one (*which is why it's my page icon).

Speaking of which, I don't know if I'd previously mentioned on here, I made a page to upload my art. 

https://www.facebook.com/emilysportraitstudio

I figured it would be best to make a separate location where people can "like" my art without necessarily "liking" me. 

So it's getting late but you know what I'm dying to talk about, right? 

Kyle showed up to class today and talked to me this morning!! (yay!) ...It was funny, he did seem a little out of it. I'll write out of the conversation:

He's like, "Hey!! What did you do this weekend?"

Me: "Ehh not much, got a lot of work done, and jammed with my neighbors in the front yard.."

Then Kyle's like, "Woah, that's awesome! The weather was so nice this weekend and me and my buddies..." okay I think he said "made a firepit" or something but he could of meant BBQ'd..
Then get this, he outright tells me: "Man I'm sorry I'm kinda out of it, last night me we made this pie out of hash butter and lets just say I slept reaally good last night...." I can seriously just imagine the look on my face when he was telling me this... Pause. "So uh, what'd you do this weekend?"

I cracked up that he asked me twice but of course I didn't say anything because I didn't want to seem like some anal bitch. Carbaugh was telling the class to sit down anyway so the conversation ended. I still don't know Kyle's last name so I don't know anything about him. That's kind of fun, I'd like to say I'll keep facebook out of this as long as possible but if it allows me the opportunity to talk to him before I get my cell bill paid I might cave. 

We'll see. 

The awkward couch story: 

How could Michael G. possibly create 

Today I was really proactive about studying more R today and got together with Michael to go over some syntax alongside this military dude from class. His name is Devin, he just got accepted into the airforce. Seems like a smart enough dude. Anyway he, Michael and I were all sitting together side by side in the library with our laptops on this couch that's.... probably best suited for two people. And Michael kept on naming all of his variables these names like "dicks" and "cocks" and "butts". 

And referring to them out loud like, "Yes, now we are going to plot the residuals of cocks using the formula plot (dickslog$log.cocks,residuals....)" I was just cracking up even if it was the stupidest sh*t. Michael is great, period. 

peace. 

Happy to finally meet you

Evening, it's 9:07 pm. I'm sitting here drinking coffee waiting for my friend Michael to get here so we can do the forecasting homework.

I've had an interesting week so far. I had my finance test on Monday, which as you guys know I spent all weekend studying for. Unfortunately I put too much emphasis on studying one of the later two chapters and not enough time on the first two and neglected to write down a few of the chapter 2 equations on my notecard. When I realize the mistake I'd made I felt frustrated but what can you do. I picked up enough points to get above a C, which was my goal. I got a 72%.

My friend Daniel who seems to be really getting this material got an 80. I know I should really try to study with him or Kevin P. before the next test. I was able to see my cumulative grade in the class. I have a 74%, and I'm pretty much the exact mean/median of the class scores. I am totally fine with that. Granted that means I am going to work a lot harder on these next chapters and try to be cautious of not accidentally skipping material for the next test.


On Monday I skipped forecasting to study for my finance test and finish some assignment that I'd neglected to type over the weekend. When I was waiting outside for class to begin the guy I'd been catching glances with these passed couple weeks walked up. He's flashed the prettiest smile and was like, "Hey!! I'm so happy to finally meet you!"

Okay I don't know if he meant to say that but if he did it means I hadn't imagined it and he was noticing me these past couple weeks. We made some quick small talk before class. He seems intelligent and easy to talk too. His name's Kyle and he's a double major in econ and finance. He told me he'd been at CWU since Freshman year and that his first quarters here he had a 0.9 GPA from partying too much. Kind of cracked me up that he laid that on the line immediately like that. But to have gotten to this point he's obviously improved a lot.

I don't know what his last name is, where he's from or what he's into but I want to get to know him. I'm hoping he'll ask for my digits but we shall seeeee..... lol.

I've been getting back into metal and the guitar lately. I started really learning Domination last night by Pantera and it sounds good. I need to get back to my roots and play things that I enjoy playing instead of just the hardest shit possible. When I'm exercising I listen to a lot of Pantera so I can really hear those guitar licks in my head.

I also really love this song by symphony x. If you like symphonic metal you should give this a listen...

Love is a tragedy

All that I have, all that I'll ever need

Is right here inside

peace.

Get some ambition, why you bored

Evening. It's 10 pm.

This week I worked really hard... Monday and Tuesday I studied 3.5 hours and I finished my finance homework early (granted it was quite easy and now I have the dubious task of studying the other three chapters for the test this weekend). My first Finance test is next Monday and Carbaugh's test is on Tuesday. This weekend I'm going to be studying a lot. At least I'll get to sleep in. Getting up at 8 every day is the pits (ha ha).

My friend Michael G. really would make an incredible professor. He came over last night and walked me through R from the very beginning. He taught me how to assign variables, make graphs, constrict data, format the axis... I was so happy to get that help because I was starting to get really lost. I plan to play around with R again this weekend. My next assignment for forecasting doesn't require coding so that was somewhat of a relief. We're learning about judgmental forecasting and the limitations and biases of the human brain. Business college has really taught me to think more critically and logically.

Today I did slack, though. When I got home from classes I took a nap and ate a really crappy lunch. I accidentally burnt the chicken nuggets and fries I was making and they came out pretty flavorless. I feel antsy so I went to the gym until around 6'. It's always a nice stress relief but I rarely feel like studying afterward.

I am going to work on Carbaugh multiple choice questions and watch Netflix until bed. My parents are coming up for Easter Sunday so I'm going to have to really clean my house before they get here. I think knowing I'm going to have a lot to do this weekend gave me permission to slack today.

Wow, this is only my third blog entry this month and it's the 17th, that's depressing. The amount of work that I'm having to do this quarter has made my leisure time more scarce. I've had to really put guitar and drawing on the back burner but when I do have time I'd rather be doing that and watching TV than writing.

peace. 

To shred... it's only emotion!!!

Damn, this quarter has taken steam and I have barely had time to write...

Last week I didn't study enough. Studying was on the backburner as I was getting prepared for the career fair on Thursday. My resume and cover letters turned out pretty good. I used the format from Carbaugh's textbook exactly and it looks professional-- Sipic even said so today when I caught him on the fly and gave him an EARFUL about how much of a nightmare my classes were this quarter so far.

It's so stupid. Yes my classes are difficult but the reason why I've been feeling overwhelmed is I still haven't been proactive enough about my studying. I realize now that in order to do well in these higher level classes I'm going to have to work harder than ever before. And not only "work hard", but work strategically to ensure I study the CORRECT material for the tests.

Finance to me is insanely hard, it's going to take a strength of 5 men for me to pass that class. My first test is next monday and I'm already doing flashcards of the formulas and have read the chapters multiple times... It's just very difficult for me to apply what I'm learning in the book so I have to keep doing practice problems and hope to God I can get help from my friends

My friend Bobby M. doing what he loves, shredding and having a great f&%king time on stage. 

Having a taste for a LOT of Pantera lately I had no problem getting down to some of that really hardcore, rage metal. Especially after a few drinks, lol. 

This weekend was a success. I went home to do laundry, get money, get my finance homework done and see THE DRIP. I also got a chance to do an awesome drawing of Laura S. that I'm going to upload tomorrow. I spent a solid few hours on Saturday studying finance and only managed to finish 6 out of the 29 homework problems before I had to start getting ready. I was confused because I kept getting answers on certain concepts wrong and couldn't get why. I planned to do the rest tomorrow.

So I went to Ray's Golden Lion at 9 when the show started and ordered myself a drink. I was really surprised to have not seen anyone I knew there for quite some time-- aside from Bobby and Brandon C. who are both in the band so they  mingling all over and setting stuff up. So in the meantime while the other bands were playing and setting up in between I had no problem throwing back a couple drinks and bullshitting with a couple random drunk guys.

Like most metal shows most of the audience was men. There were some dark looking chicks there; the only one I recognized was this girl named Catherine who's picture was HUGE on the A Sharp guitar page when she became their 300th fan or something. Being a student with A Sharp is starting to feel like a distant memory. The longer I've been on this Spring quarter roller coaster the more I feel the timing was right.

By the time THE DRIP played I had a pretty good buzz going and had a blast headbanging and getting beat up a little by the passing moshpitters. No I was not *IN* the mosh pit (as I'd love to be in a group of people punching and pushing the shit out of eachother when you're in that state of adrenaline...... But then I remember that I'm a petite 22 year old girl) but enough to leave some good bruises

I needed that release of adrenaline so bad. I just wanted to get out, get drunk and go wild. It worked, I'm glad I did... even if I woke up the next day with the most horrible migraine of my life and had to sleep in until 2 to fully recover from it.

Alright it's bed time.

peace. 

No excuses or turning back now

OKAY, first week of school, second to last quarter, no doubt going to be the hardest one I've ever taken.... Here we go.

Two of my three professors (Wassell and Carbaugh) I've already taken so I know their lecture style and class format pretty well (especially Carbaugh, I'm pretty sure this is the fourth class I've taken with him so there's no surprises there). My finance professor Becker seems cool, her teaching style is a LOT like Sipic's, tons of asking the class questions and trying to make them think for themselves. 

She's a tiny lady, like she reminds me of Aunt Cheryl because I doubt she weighs over 115 pounds. I can tell she's a really smart, no BS kind of professor, and I'm going to have to do a lot of studying to do well in her class. I have too.. This class might have scared me last quarter but this quarter I'm facing it head on. 

Thus far my time management has been alright, could be better. I've read the first chapters of forecasting and finance this week and looked over some of the homework. It usually takes me a little longer to get back into the swing of things. I was also able to write down everything that I needed to get done this week assignments wise and will start tackling those today. 

This last week I continued to do art when I found time and completed a few more drawings. Last night while lying in bed I thought it would be a good idea to make a separate facebook page to showcase my work. I figured an external location would be beneficial, especially if I continue to develop my small sole proprietorship where a person could pay $20 for a guaranteed drawing if they chose too. 

Here's a pic of Alex Lukyanov, my friend from Russia that I've known for years now. I'm starting to experiment more with clothes, backdrops and props.

Here's a link to my page: https://www.facebook.com/emilysportraitstudio

Well that's all I've gotta say for now. Today is going to be spent doing schoolwork mainly. I let Marshall out this morning and here it is 1 pm again and he's still not back. Turns out he literally goes to all of my neighbors houses and meows to get let in, which is crazy. Drives me nuts how fearless he is. Yet he always manages to come home... 

peace.