School tomorrow. My summer is over already? D:

Wow, I guess you can say I had a pretty damn good summer.

Because it's over. My break where I do whatever I want is over tonight, and I'm slightly relieved. School is tomorrow and I am going to start summer quarter full force.

..Because it's serious business now. I GOT INTO CENTRAL. Yes, I got a message from them, and I was ACCEPTED without them even getting my transcripts. I mean, I doubt they did, considering I sent it to them only a few days before I got the message in the mail saying I got in. Regardless, I'm very happy. And the best part is, my mom is going to let me study abroad for my Japanese minor. I'm probably going to major in Public Relations (well, this is new) and everything is going as planned. It's so exciting.

But in order for this all to work I HAVE TO PASS MATH 95. There is no choice now, I have to do it. I know how Zhang teaches now, and I know that I can do this if I try my hardest. It's going to be a lot of work, and I need to prove to myself that I can do this. It's going to be hard, but I've got a LOT of time to study and put all the work I can into it.

I am going to periodically apply for jobs, like tomorrow I'm going to apply at Sally's, but I don't know if I'm going to get it or not. My hours available are pretty good, but I have never been in beauty school. But I DO know hair products, very well. It'd be a great place to work, I love retail, hair products and makeup. If I don't get it I am going to continue to apply to small retail stores and hopefully get one eventually. If not, more time to study.

I miss Guy a bit, I hope I see him soon. We still talk periodically via texts but stupid Cory's house has hardly any service so he'll get my txts like hours late, it's frustrating. Eh, I'm sure I'll see him this next week.


OH AND MY HAIR IS BEAUTIFULLY BROWN NOW! my mom did it, I love her.

yours,
Emily

Renaissance Fair, 2011. Sexism philosophy. Is cooking and cleaning that bad?

it's 1 am and I'm feeling philosophical.

The renaissance fair is a trippy place because all of these people that are so into the Middle Ages come out dressed in old fashioned clothing and try their best to reenact that time. It reminds me so much of an anime convention because it's the same concept:  People trying to escape their everyday lives and completely disconnect by living vicariously through something else. In anime conventions and renaissance fairs, the diehard cosplayers will not only dress as the character but almost put on an act where they completely envelope their character as their own. So essentially, renaissance fairs, star trek conventions, gaming conventions and anime conventions are all under the same category of nerdiness... super, super nerdy. Which is how I like it.

Though I do not go to the extent that I act out the character at anime conventions. Most people don't, unless they are doing a skit of some kind. I guess that's how it is at the renaissance fair but some of the people that have shops have to maintain that same act the entire two days.

Me and Glenn. Glenn only lives a block away from where the fair is, so he walked over while we were out to eat at Subs n Jeans. 

I took a lot of pictures, even if I didn't have my camera. I used Michael's, and also tried to create a lot of photo ops. Reason being, I just started my new albums for the new year and they're quite bare. haha 

The group that I met up with. Tomas, leah and Michael. 

My thighs look so fat in all these. I think I lose weight and then I  see this and I'm like, WOW. 

For some reason, I feel pretty unmotivated to tell the entire story on today. It was a really good day, we explored around the fair, I bought a cute pair of earrings.. pretty typical sance fair. There really wasn't anything there in particular that was any different from previous years. I really liked the stand that I got my earrings from because they were only $5. I mean, she probably got them bulk mass produced in China but they are still darn cute sort of gypsy-looking earrings. I'm wearing them in the first picture.

Yeah I know this picture is corny but I still think this picture is freakin cute and I don't care. 

We got some sushi, after walking around for about 20 minutes in the hot sun to find one of Leah's friends. We ended up running into a friend of Tomas's, and her boyfriend. They were pretty funny. We went in and for some reason I felt hella awkward because it took them a long time to figure out what they wanted and the lady at the cash register was just standing there ready to take their orders. Is that weird for me to be embarrassed about? I mean I don't REALLY care but it just made me feel awkward for some reason.

I got a really good spicy salmon roll, even if I felt a little sick this evening and I can't help but blame either the sushi or the latte I got at the fair. The latte tasted pretty fresh so I blame it on the raw fish. Seems a little more likely. But maybe it wasn't that at all. Maybe it was just from being out in the heat all day.

So at lunch this girl that is Tomas and Leah's friend was telling us about how she does her boyfriend's laundry. That wasn't the main key in the story, she was talking about why her boyfriend almost always wears the same shirt. In that Tomas asked, "You do your boyfriend's laundry?" and she replied, "Yes?" And somehow we got onto Tomas saying... "I just don't like that idea that girls should cook and clean." Like, trying to stand up for women or something. His friend responds, 'Well, if I just wash my clothes the loads aren't big enough..." and then we start some conversation on girls doing stay-at-home-Mom stuff.

So I've been thinking about this. Sexism. Feminism. Whatever.

WARNING, VERY LONG COMPLETELY UNRELATED RANT AHEAD. 

Though I appreciate Tomas having the more liberated point of view on women cooking and cleaning, but I can't help but think... Why is cooking and cleaning such a discriminated thing to do? Consider that since the beginning of time for human kind, the mother instinctively takes care of children until they are old enough to fend for themselves, and the man instinctively goes out and does the dirty work. I feel like though we can become very liberated in equality between women and men, I don't think there is anything wrong with looking at a women that does potentially all the cooking and cleaning and think she's "serving her man." In most, but not all, families the woman is generally better at cooking, so wouldn't it make sense that she'd make dinner most of the time?

...I don't know. I can definitely see both perspectives. If women and men were completely equal, men wouldn't open doors for women. Boyfriends wouldn't feel an obligation to pick up their girlfriends for a date because they wouldn't care about sitting in the passenger seat. Hell, they wouldn't buy dinner on the date either or movie tickets or whatever. He would purchase his own. His girlfriend would purchase her own.  Because that truly is equality between genders. Yes, there would be upsides to this equality in the fact that being equal would effect EVERYTHING. Women would be paid equal wages as men in the same profession. Women would be more prominent in the United states government. Hell, though this isn't good, women would rob banks and commit homicides (okay, that is rather sexist against men, but how many women do you see out robbing banks and killing people on the news? Try to think of just one!). There would be more female construction workers and more male nurses.

Personally, if that is the way our culture would be completely equal, or if women and men were treated completely equally in our upbringing and lives, I would not want to live in that. But if it's being weak or submissive to be sort of complimented if a guy opens the door for you, then I suppose I'm fine with it.

That's all I really had to say.

yours,
Emily

$85 wasted, damn it.

Nothing has really gone as planned today.

Maybe I'm just lazy but I had this intention that I was going to get a chance to clean my room today, and then hopefully have Guy over later because my parents are going out of town. Unfortunately though, neither of those things are going to happen tonight, so I'm going to make other plans. Maybe play some guitar, get my mind off of things. I should really go running but I just got my hair dyed and I don't want to go out in the sun when it's this sensitive.

I'm not crazy about the color that I got. It was supposed to be a dark brown, but it turned out more of a light-medium brown. It was pretty disappointing to see this... He mixed a color that was one shade darker than my hair with another color that is two shades darker. It turned out almost the exact same color as I had before, and it was $85. That took up most of my day, and I would of liked to clean my room up.

It's so messy in here. There's just so much shit in here that I've used and will probably never use again. There's cords... EVERYWHERE. Cords to this stupid computer from downstairs that doesn't work, cords for the battery, cords that connect my computer to my zune. It makes me anxious and pisses me off how messy it is in here, even if it's not the worst it's ever been. One of the reasons why I have so much clutter is because my dad just LOVES to buy random shit and bring it into my room like, "Do you want this?" And even if I say no he'll just leave it in here.

I don't want any more useless nick-naks. Almost all of my money now goes to makeup and hair products. Not really clothes because I have so much of it I can't seem to keep up. Even if a lot of my clothes don't fit me right and I rarely ever wear.

So tonight, I'm going to get some stuff done and keep myself busy. Hopefully... I just can't laze around and do nothing. School is in TWO days! I'm excited to go back to the old grind. It feels nice to have school, even if it's boring. It gives me purpose and makes me feel good about myself because I generally do pretty good. I got an overall 3.95 GPA this last quarter. I got a 3.6 in math 96!! :) Hopefully I will be able to do well in Math 95. God I pray I can....

Guy just called and asked what I was doing tonight, and I told him the honest truth that I'm probably not going to be doing much of anything. He told me I *could* go this dubstep thing over at Ray's but it doesn't really sound like my scene at all. He said it's going to be a bunch of "high kids." I would consider going, but for some reason I think i'd stick out as not belonging. I just have a feeling that it'd be.. not so fun for me. the only way I would is if Katelynn went with me.

I don't know if I've told Guy yet that I don't dance. Period. I fucking hate dancing because I'm terrible at it. One of these days I should probably give him a heads up. Maybe just let him find out on his own.. I don't know. I hate that I can't dance. What I don't understand is, if I have rhythm when I play instruments why don't I when I try to dance? Ever since my sister called me a "Spaz" I just will never do it again. I know I can't. The only time that I ever did in the last year was at Radcon surrounded by complete nerds (like me haha), and Rhiannon made me really comfortable so I was cool with it. I also danced at Celeste's bachelorette party with a group of girls and got asked to dance a bunch of times but turned them down because it was a girl group thing. I think I can dance okay depending on the situation I'm in.. but this situation seems REALLY uncomfortable.
yours
Emily

Why do I feel out of it even when something good happens?

Last night I got really drunk for the first time in my life.

I know I thought it was awhile back when I was with just me and Katelynn but I lied. One can of Joose (they're pretty big and really strong) and I was completely wasted. Therefore, I don't remember much from last night, but I know it was a really good night overall. For some reason I'm slightly humiliated by the whole ordeel because I don't know WHAT I said to Guy or anything...

This picture cracks me up. This was on the couch at Katelynn's.

We cannot seem to take a very good picture together at all.

This morning, he seemed disappointed by the fact that I can't remember what we were talking about at all in my car last night. I know I told him a big drawn out story that he brought up but I shouldn't of told him in the first place. I just feel like everything I said last night was probably word vomit.. So I don't know why he would WANT me to remember what I said.

We haven't talked very much today. I got like one text from him this morning asking if I was still alive. Probably because this morning I puked like twenty times and got really dehydrated and ugh... Alcohol just does not work well with my body. Originally I just thought it was really low alcohol tolerancy but now I realize that there is something physically that makes it so I get these horrendously bad hangovers with just one or two drinks. I look at these people that take like six or more shots of hard alcohol and I wonder WHY they would want to do that with how I felt this morning.

I felt really lame... and ugly this morning, after puking over and over. I woke him up at about 4:30 AM (he kept on going in and out of sleep because I kept on waking him up to move him) and took him back to Cory's. I was so exausted that I had to listen to Rammstein to keep me awake.

The way that I wrote this makes it seem like plans didn't go as I'd planned. It was a fun day, I just felt a little bit guilty this morning because I feel like I've been partying way too much and it's effecting my health. I think in this week where I have planned on "doing whatever the fuck I want too," I have felt really sick and worn out a lot and I think I need to go back to the old grind. Not saying I want to discontinue hanging out with my friends, but I need to slow the substance use a lot.  

I think my perscription is making it so that I'm not really happy feeling about anything. I'm content.. but happiness wise I never really feel happy lately. I just feel lonely and empty-- and sort of humiliated about things which makes me feel insecure. I'm NOT insecure, that's the thing. I mean I'm  not typically. But I think this medication is making is so that I feel insecure because I am so paranoid. Wellbutrin isn't doing much for me, aside from helping with staying awake because it's a stimulant anti-depressent. I'm considering adding a second drug to go with the wellbutrin to help combat this weird shifty feeling that I've been going through for the past couple months where I stress on things that don't matter at all and because of this can't seem to enjoy anything. All day my parents have been asking me if I'm okay because I haven't really said anything to anyone.

So, tomorrow here is my plan/goal:

-Play bass for 2 hours (not all at once, throughout the day).

-Keep computer use to a minimal.

-Recap on Japanese for two hours.

-Do pilates.

-PICK UP PERSCRIPTION.

-Make doctors appointment

-Buy some new Shampoo/Conditioner as well as some new PhotoReady powder.

yours,

Emily

It's so hard to be patient!! Go by faster, day!

TWOOO more hours. Well, about three...

Until I get to see Guy and hang out with him, as well as Katelynn/Jon today. Sounds like an effing good day.

But it's sooo hard to be patient. I woke up at like 7 am this morning, which makes it worse. I think I'm too excited to be productive. So I'll just write.

Unfortunately, grades aren't out yet. I expected them to be out today. I do know what most of my grades are, though. I got 4.0 in Drugs and Health, Japanese and jogging. But I'm unsure what I got in math, exactly. I know I got an 89.94%. It sucks, just one more point on homework or whatever, and I would of got an A. It sucks. I think it's about a 3.4. That won't bring down my GPA too much. It's so hard to raise my overall GPA. That literature class continues to be the reason why my GPA isn't as good as I'd like to to be. I'll tell you what it is when I get my grades.

Today is my first time mentioning Guy because for some reason I felt like there was going to be something going on between me and Jack this summer. After spending some time with Guy though, I realize that I don't WANT to be with Jack again if he's going to put me completely LAST on his priorities. Because that's what he does.. his friends come before EVERYTHING. Not that that's a problem nesssarily, but I'd rather someone feel like I'm "good enough" to bring around their friends. I'm pretty sure he found someone else, anyway. He can manage to go an entire year basically without having a girlfriend at Ellensburg but I just assume at one of those parties that Jack had he met someone else. Someone who he thinks is just perfect, which is fine. He's frustrating.

Anyways. How I met Guy. In math class, Cory Bunn offered to smoke with me after the Chapter 4 test. This sounded good because I had been studying so hard all day and was so stressed out over the test that of course I was going to take up that offer. We took his car over to his dad's house, and I assumed we were just going to smoke and then he was going to take me back to the school, you know w/e. This did happen, but on our way out Cory had to stop at his Mom's to get some stuff to go to the gym with his friend Guy.

I didn't expect Guy to be hot at all. Like, I saw him super briefly when he was walking toward the bathroom to get in the shower, but when I did I was like, wow. He's really attractive. I was pretty stoned at the time, so I was kind of quiet because I didn't want to say anything stupid around him. Guy was really friendly toward me though and asked me a bunch of questions and stuff. Obviously, I was kind of interested. I ended up texting him and we started talking.

The next time we hung out was at Cory's house where we were all planning on going to the river. I'm pretty sure this is when I found out that Cory liked me, because Guy told me... I really just thought Cory thought of me as a friend though and didn't have any interest at all, so I acted like I continued to think that. But Cory kept on pinching my side and I sort of snapped at him because it made me mad. I really hate when people touch me there.

When I got there, there was these two girls sitting at this table that I wasn't expecting were going to be there. I was dressed in a bikini and my hair was up in a really cute bun that my sister helped me do. I thought I looked really nice, but I stood out because the girls there were wearing... idk, scene kid clothes. Tons of makeup. I thought they were sort of yucky.. like one of them was sitting there blasting her music and trying to be really cool, and it made me feel self concious because I'm not really into that dubstep music or whatever. Plus I don't have *that* kind of style.*

*On a side note, once I got to know Guy a little more, and saw what his ex girlfriend looks like, I think me and his ex look more similar in our "look" then me and rave girls. Like, his ex girlfriend looks really clean and pretty, and dresses sort of preppy like I do. So this makes me think he doesn't really go for rave girls.

Cheyanne, the chick that I met that day that skeeved me out.

When the girls were sitting there with us, they started passing around a blunt and seeing them do it really turned me off. Later at the river, Guy got a text that says "you totally think I'm hot, i'm every raver guy's dream" from that girl (not his ex, the one that was at the house that was hitting on him). Uhh, egotistical and creepy, much? When Cory and Guy started talking about it, I straight out said "I thought she was gross." It just FLEW out of my mouth. I didn't even think about it. Whatever though, I did think she was gross. It's wrong to judge people, but I did try to be friendly with those girls and they looked at me like I was a freak and were really rude so I didn't even bother. I meant to keep my opinion to myself so I didn't seem like a judgemental bitch, but it slipped. I think everyone does that sometimes, even if it's an unattractive quality in people....

I'm gonna get going, gotta find a swimsuit. That killed a good 30 minutes.

yours,

Emily

Warning, another pissed off blog entry. You don't have to read it. It'll turn around a bit towards the end, I promiss.

Today I'm planning on getting my hair colored. With what money, I have no clue. Me and my mom were on the couch talking about potential colors, and I was actually thinking about getting brown with pink streaks in it. My mom said that would look like shit and would be too expensive, so I put out the idea of getting anything "rebelious" or interesting, so I'm going with a chocolate brown... again. My mom found this picture:

She thinks I should get little lighter streaks in it to give it some volume or something. I don't really like this picture because you can't really even see the colors. I know that if I went to go get it done and my mom came with, Nathan would be asking me questions like "So do you want the lighter brown streaks?" And I'd be like, "No" but my mom would cut in and say that there HAS TO BE.

My dad thinks I want to dye it BLACK. Yes, I typically do go with a dark brown, but I have never dyed it black, ever. Have I wanted too? Yes. Would I like it if my hair was black? Probably. But I won't do it because my parents would harrass me about it. The last few times that I've gotten my hair dyed close to black was after a horrific haircut, so I didn't like how THAT looked and the combination of the two made me hate it. I think I would actually like black hair if my hair was long. Granted, I'd rather not people think I'm trying to look asian, so I'm going to avoid that. I want dark brown, as always.

My dad came up and was yelling at me about how I look like shit when I have dark hair, and that I look "angry." I know that they both think I would look better blonde. I know this because my mom has manipulated me to dye my hair blonde before. How the FUCK can they think I look good blonde? For one thing, having that color hair makes me insecure because I think it looks ugly. It makes the redness in my face come out.

She literally said, when I was suggesting I get an all over dark brown..

"You think you're EVER going to get a job or a boyfriend with that dark hair?"

Now that I understand where her mind set is, her opinion's credibility means absolutely nothing to me. I'm tired of her telling me what looks good and what doesn't look good because now I feel that my own opinion isn't valid and it's not fair.

Forget it, I'm not even going to do this today... my blog entries are so depressing lately because the only time I come on here is when I want to rant about something because I'm pissed off practically all the time.

It's gotten to the point where I don't ever even post these to my facebook wall anymore because I'm slightly humiliated by the stuff that I write because I know my anger and insecurities are pathetic. I'm NOT always angry, but it comes out when I'm at home. I'm typically happy when I'm on the go, with my friends, or at school.

Anyway....

Last night was really fun. Me and Katelynn got pretty drunk with this drink called Joose. I wasn't originally going to drink it but I wanted to get my mind off some things so I didn't mind.

Yesterday originally me and Guy were going to go down to Hermiston but plans didn't end up working out. Of course, they weren't really plans. I just think Guy got the idea when I was leaving and he didn't want me too-- but it was just an idea, and it turned out he was going to spend some time with his mom yesterday instead. Apparently Cory and him are going to some rave thing today, and I was invited to go but I don't really want too. Reason being, I don't really know them enough to be able to travel with them. As much as I like spontanious things, I've been out the last couple nights, and really just should chillax today. Plus I need to save gas money...

Shavonne invited me over for dinner tonight but it's another lonnnnng drive to kennewick and I don't want to have to pay gas money to go out there. Seems like I'm constantly in kennewick lately.

Honestly the perfect way to spend the rest of my day today, in my opinion, is to go out on a run in this nice rainy weather, come home and play the bass, start on my college applications, and maybe take a little nap. Really nothing exciting, but still a good way to spend my saturday. We'll see if anything comes up.

yours,

emily

Throwing up SUCKS.

There is an anxiety that I have that has been haunting me for awhile now, and started about this last December.

In many situations this year, when I find myself spending the night at somebody's house, I end up spending the entire night puking, or feeling nauseous and unable to sleep and then puking the next morning. This happened, AGAIN, last night, in a completely comfortable situation.. and I had to leave because of it. Luckily, they didn't see how sick I was. I ended up drinking pepto out of their fridge. Lovely.

Here are the situations where it has occured...



1. The first known situation of it, where there were no diseases such as the stomach flu (California trip home in La Grande) or hangover involved (happened once on one shot of tequila mixed with my meds), was when I was with Michael Kaminski in Seattle. Upon meeting him, I knew my parents wouldn't like him so it made me very, VERY stressed out to the point that I could not sleep at all and was over the toilet all night. The next morning it got the worst, and Katelynn went to a gas station to buy me gatorade and anti-nausea. She's a great friend.. that was incredible.
   
   Since this has happened, every time that I've had to stay overnight in a hotel I've gotten sick. Except for the night when Michael went home and we stayed in an airport hotel.

2. The second main situation was Chris's anime party. I got stuck here overnight because my car broke down, and when I called my parents about it they yelled at me and I felt extremely guilty about it. The problem was my starter, or an electrical problem, as always. There was really nothing I could do. It started the next morning, anyway. Regardless, it made me so stressed that I found myself puking all night... at his house. It was an embarrising mess.

3. The third situation was at Zac Weery's house after the System of a Down concert. Zach's mom was convinced I had drank something laced with a drug but now that I look back on it, it was probably just a panic attack like the previous situations. Regardless, she did help me calm down a lot. Didn't sleep at all that night. Was dry heaving because there was no food in me and I couldn't even hold down water. It was a mess, especially because this girl that we were staying with's parents didn't know me and Katelynn were there so I could of caused major problems. I completely destroyed their plans to enjoy the night....

And now, last night, which kept me throwing up all morning and I still haven't really eaten today. It's 5 PM. Plans fell through today that I thought were going to be really fun, but as always there has to be some flaky ass situation and now i'm not sure what my plans are exactly. I should really fill out that college application. I think I'll also play the bass.

One of Jack's friends messaged me today and it was really weird. He's lived next door for about three years and we have never said shit to eachother, haha. It's funny how their mentalities work. Even if I do talk to Jesse or any other of Jack's friends, I probably won't ever hang out with them as a group because of how we've known eachother since we were kids and we never liked eachother back then, hahaha.

I really hope whatever anxiety this is passes, and i'll be able to move out and now be puking all night where ever I start to live. oi vey.

yours,

Emily