Crime Scene Investigation and Forensic Work.... off my list of potential careers.

http://www.forensicindia.com/forensic_pictures/contact_barrel.jpg

I know this is disturbing, but this is the kind of thing that I would have to see and overcome if I were to go into a career in CSI.

This picture, alone, makes me never want to go into crime scene investigation work. Originally, after reading a bunch of cold case books and watching the stories of murders and serial killer biographies, I thought my interest in criminal justice would be enough to give me a reason to consider making it a career choice. Today, I saw this picture and realized I could never do it.

I didn't go around searching for this photo, but it came up randomly in an image search. This is from a forensic picture site meant for undergraduate and postgraduate students.

http://www.forensicindia.com/forensic_pictures/index.htm

This is the website, though like the picture above the pictures on the site are disturbing. Most of them are from numerous methods of suicide, as well as homicide. This picture of the little boy alone made me sick enough to turn away from ever doing this. The media that talks about suicide and homicide don't show the reality of it. How truly disturbing hearing that "a young boy got shot in the head this afternoon" is.

Originally, I thought forensics might be a good path for me, but my parents said that they don't think I would be thick skinned enough for it. They were right. I literally feel like I'm going to throw up just from seeing some of these pictures from this website-- because it's the reality of the situation. These people that perform autopsies must be completely emotionally numb-- not saying that they're bad people, but it takes a certain personality to do something like this... someone that doesn't take anything they hear or see to heart unless it relates to them. Personally, I'm way too compassionate to do something like this.

yours,

Emily

Spring quarter, you intimidate the hell out of me.

It's weird how every weekend I feel like I'm dreading the next week because of how much studying and work I'm going to have to do, but at the same time I am relieved because I think of how much I hate being at home doing nothing.

Yesterday I saw Shavonne, and she is currently living at her own apartment all by herself under social security. She is an extremely independent parapalegic person who used to go to school with me. Now, she is sort of in limbo because her boyfriend (practically fiancee) is going to school up in Ellensburg and she's here in the tri-cities, not going to school because the government won't fund it anymore. I had dinner with her, she made some really good steak and potatos with corn. Lol, I'd like to whip together dinner for one of my friends sometime soon.

Last night the guy I really like was drunken texting me, which was really funny. I'm afraid he's embarrised by it today though, haha. Him and his friends were up seeing a hockey game or something... Who knows.

I'm happy that I got most of my homework done this weekend earlier because I'm really unmotivated tonight. I am thinking I'm going to take a bath and then really crack down on it. Usually doesn't work, I typically get even more lazy after a bath... My sister just got out of the shower though, which is usually freakishly hot and she takes really long ones because she doesn't have a lineup behind her like we used to do. My sister is a complete hot water hog, so I'm happy she showers at night. Still, a nightly bath is always good, even if not nessasary. It just feels good to relax at the end of the day, but it tends to make me really tired.

I think I'm going to make it a goal to be a little more quiet and reserved in my Japanese class this week. I feel like I've gotten more comfortable in there with people, so consiquently have gotten louder. Shit, that reminds me I have to call sean about the system of a down concert. ............................Okay, I just called him and he isn't entirely sure if he can go yet, which is scary. But if he can't what I intend on doing is buying the ticket from him and then going with one of my friends. I know that Robert would really want to go, and so would Adolfo. Of course Robert works all the time though. This is just if Sean can't, and he said he's pretty sure he can at this point.

I'm exausted, going to bed now. At least today I got all my jogging and drugs and health stuff done so I'll have allll day tomorrow to study japanese.

yours,
Emily

"What the hell is an electrometer?" & How some American subcultures destroy things.

An electrometer is an electrical instrument for measuring electric charge or electrical potential difference.

This is my facebook URL name as well as, obviously, the URL name for this blog as well. I would use it as a YouTube name, but EWilsonLife seemed more suited because it's a username I can't possibly get sick of. That's the thing about YouTube, I've had to change accounts numerous times because I got sick of my username. Like, tennisloverew for instance. This was the account I made my sophomore year, but none of my videos were about tennis or even semi related to sports in general, and it didn't make sense. BassChik509  bugged me when I stopped playing the bass and none of my videos had anything related to that, either. So on both youtube and facebook, I picked names that I couldn't possibly outgrow. Electrometer means nothing. It's just a funny, obscure word that nobody uses except for weird science nerds.  : ) That's how I like it.

Meh, tonight is pretty slow, and I'm actually considering going to bed. It's been a long day. I'm proud, studied Japanese for a whole two hours. Yet I still don't feel any more prepared for this て form and ている stuff more than this morning. 

I'm just having a hard time focusing in Japanese class, honestly. I feel like I've lost interest, and the thought of going through another quarter of studying my ass off to continue to get A's on the tests is pretty unappealing. I explained this to Sean this morning-- In college, they don't recommend you take ALL your classes in your major because you get burnt out on it, and that's how I feel. Burnt out. Being so into Rammstein now, German sounds more appealing. I WANT to learn a second language, and be fluent in one someday, yet sometimes in Japanese I feel like what I've learned so far is a crumb in comparison to the whole cake. Two quarters of this... two quarters of studying this on a daily basis, yet I still feel like I can barely speak it at all. With spanish, I barely put any effort into it, aside from cramming, yet I can still understand A LOT of what people say when I hear it in spanish today, and can even make very basic sentences when working out in the cherry orchards. If those Mexicans were Japanese, I wouldn't be able to say anything, haha.

My friend Andrew said that oftentimes, when people suddenly find out that they don't like something that they've liked for an extended period of time, it's a phase and i will find interest in it again. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. The weeaboo thing really sucks the air out of it... 

BUT, I cannot judge a culture based on how American subcultures personify it! This is the problem with Rammstein as well, in a sense. There are many Japanese culture obsessed Americans, and I'm one of them. I mean, I can't by hypocritical. Yet, I still respect my own European roots as well as the fact that I AM an American, and I AM PROUD TO BE CAUCASIAN. The people that bother me are the idiots that try so hard to LOOK Asian and wish they WERE Asian. It's very... obnoxious, and it really deteriorates my interest, but at no fault to the Japanese people themselves. I think if I go to another anime convention my interest in Japanese culture will completely be lost. 

Not a real poster that was made with the band's consent. 

Then of course there's Rammstein. In Germany, they are not a Neonazi band, they are a hard rock band. They were never thought of as Neonazis over in Germany, but when their music became popular in the United States, these white supremacists that consider themselves "Neonazis" thought it would be cool to personify Rammstein as being their anthem. So now, when people hear that I love Rammstein I know that some might be thinking that I'm racist.  

What's keeping me from learning German, and trying to be trilingual (haha) is this:

1. I'm already learning Japanese, and I don't think my mind would be able to take trying to learn two languages at once. Though, because german is so different, I wouldn't get the words mixed up like I did sometimes with Spanish and Japanese words (It's said that Japanese sounds the most like Spanish, but sounds NOTHING like German).

2. My Mom's heritage is Jewish. My Grandpa's family is full Jewish, my mom is half. My Grandpa had a friend that's relatives were musicians during the holocaust that were hired to entertain in concentration camps during soldier's meals to stay alive, and their names were on Shindler's list. The holocaust makes Germans look like horrible people, which many of them in political power at the time and were involved in the horrendous concentration camps were. However, EVERY country had a part to play in World War II, though some more than others. During war the Japanese were known for being ruthless and heartless as well, and I'm sure we Americans were said to be the same thing. What I'm saying is, EVERY culture is known to be politically corrupt at one time or another, Germany being particularly bad.

3. Just thinking the guys are hot and loving a German rockband isn't enough of a reason to learn a language. I know nothing about their culture except for the fact that they're the fattest country after America. The same thing could be said about learning Russian. I really did consider it when me and Aleksandr were talking all the time. Russian guys are incredibly hot, but the country is dangerous and scary. Not worth it, haha. My interest in japanese culture has been an ongoing thing for years. 

yours,

Emily

Busyness is my savior.

I feel as happy as this little girl because of the bloody bread.  

My depression has almost completely ceased due to the feeling of overwhelming busyness that has already erupted now that school has started. Also, WellButrin is doing wonders. Not only have I had decreased appetite, but I've also been more energized and even happier. I think my doctor made a very good choice. I feel like I'm not procrastinating any more, I have Hannah in Japanese to pal around with, me and Katelynn are getting together, and my ebay listings are going to get bids soon because the auctions are ending soon and they have a bunch of watchers. Hopefully, my first wave of items are going to be a success. Once the listings end, I will list more. I think if they all end at the same time I can mail them all out and get them all packaged with one swoop instead of doing packaging every day as auctions end.

YAY! One of my auctions is up to $78 and it still has like 5 days left!  I'm gonna start selling these tonka trucks more often, my dad has a shit ton of them down in his basement.

Really, there is one thing that would make things better, but at this point I can tell it's not going anywhere. No communication what so ever suddenly, and I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me anymore..  Oh well, someday that void in my life will be filled, but probably not any time soon and I just need to accept that. I don't need to go looking for it if it's just going to lead me to random dead ends.

My dad really needs to learn how to communicate with me... I tried to talk to him about my financial situation as an adult, as my debit card is now connected with a credit line that charges my dad when I use it. Unfortunately, he has to turn it into a screaming match, telling me "Not to use that card as a habit". Well, I need about $30 a week for school, which is climbing with gas prices. I pack a lunch every day. I drive 65 mph to increase mileage. I do everything I can to save money... Haven't bought makeup for myself in months. He doesn't seem to understand that though, and I can definately understand why my mom doesn't talk to him now. He wants to be talked to like an adult but instead it always turns into yelling.. yelling and screaming. I'm so tired of it. My dad is in a terrible situation right now, though he doesn't need to take it out on us.

yours,
Emily

Spring Quarter is looking pretty good.

I sort of like someone, but I don't think they like me back anymore because I'm too young. He's 23 and I'm 19... He's really cute, and we've talked a few times and flirted but now he doesn't seem to want to talk because he doesn't initiate conversation. I am not going to initiate it because I don't want to seem desperate and lame. I assume nothing is going to come of it and we're never even going to meet because of it, unless I see him around CBC randomly. I wonder if he'd recognize me. I think I look sufficiently like my pictures. We'll see what happens, probably nothing. Hes said i'm cute numerous times, but I just get the feeling he's not interested anymore. Who knows.

It's 11:21. My first day of school went really well today, though I had to get a class switched. Witherspoon basically blew through 3 sections of... my entire highschool math experience, in an hour. Note that I haven't taken math in two years. It kicked my ass, so I switched over to Zhang's class. Luckily he let me overload. It should make much more sense in math 96, though Michael said it's going to be way too easy.

Jogging and drugs and health seems really easy based on the online syllabus and checking out the course... jogging is pretty, well, easy. Turn in running logs, times and comments. Piece of cake. To get fun credit you have to run a mile in under 12 minutes and 30 seconds. Wow. I'm sort of interested in timing myself though, but I have no real way of telling how much a mile is unless I want to run around the stupid school track and look like a moron.

Japanese III is super packed but it's all people i know. Hannah is back! Woo! I'm really happy she is because now I have someone to talk too and we benifit from eachother. I don't benifit from someone who doesn't study at all, and when I study with Jon Stewart he doesn't benefit from me because he knows everything.. so he's basically tutoring me. Not the best.

Anyway, gonna get some sleep. I hope I get a call from Lets Party for an interview... I really pray I do. I want to be as busy as I can be.

yours,
Emily

My reflection back on my miserable experience at Ki-Be Middleschool.

I'm not going to be a fucking push over.

This just brought me back to how much I hated middleschool, which makes me sick even to this day.

The original post was directed towards Josie's picture that is captioned "Yeah, I should go tanning." In my opinion, which, because I've matured since my Freshman year has changed, is that girls that are naturally light skinned look better with light skin. That's just my thought on it. It really has nothing to do with Josie, she can tan if she wants.

Notice that after Kim wrote that, obviously attempting to bash me for something that happened when I was 14, I actually agreed with her. This is me being a PUSHOVER, not wanting to cause conflict. But then she continues to be a bitch. I'm just done with this. I have no reason to be in any relationship what so ever with any of these people from my lovely "Ki-Be Class of 2010" that made my life a living hell for twelve years.

But the most miserable time was Middle school, 7th grade especially.

 I was sort of pondering over this last night. How miserable and out of place they would make me feel, back in middle school when my mom would *encourage* me to try to make friends because I was always a "floater" that never really had any close friends, aside from Katharine and Katelynn. Katharine of course is a class above me, which made a huge difference. Needless to say, never had any classes with her and rarely saw her around school. Maybe passed her in the hallway sometimes. And then Katelynn was over at Dessert Hills. The only close friend that I had from my class really was Jordan, though she was so popular that she had so many friends that she had to divide her time amongst, many of which didn't like me either.

I tried, I did. I really TRIED to find a friend from my class, but it never really happened. When I got up to highschool things got a lot easier because I became friends with Robert and Skyler, along with more people as I got into my junior year that were much more accepting and friendly. I really wish I could of known Robert and Skyler in middle school, though at the time since I wasn't into rock music we wouldn't of had much to talk about.

The Groups, Looking back on middle school...
I look back on the groups of friends that seemed to continue into highschool from my class, none of which I fit into. There was the Mormon group that sort of hung with the very over achieving, straight A kids. These were very nice people, though their table at lunch was always full and I remember being kicked from there a couple times because there practically had reserved seats. That's fine, didn't fit there anyways-- I wasn't Mormon, nor was I nessasarily over achieving. I never had a problem with any of these people, though. I know Kirsten didn't like me, which was the only apparent one from that group, but there was probably more.

Then there was the group of popular kids. They hung out over on the hill by the bleachers. Some of these people stayed "popular" in my class, if you can even call it that. I mean the most obvious one I can think of was Jessica Small, who continued to be the envy of a lot of girls into highschool. Tall, blonde, athletic, yadda ya. Back then though there was also Hannah, Lisa, Kim S., Sherae, Jessica, Hailey (who made my life even more of a living Hell), Haley... I was definately a floater here, and if I was there nobody nessasarily told me to leave, though if I said anything the girls would just sort of pass over it and act like my opinion didn't mean anything. There were the popular guys, the main ones were from my class during middle school, as I remember-- Tim, Nick, Shelden, Zach M., Gerban, Chris H. Shelden probably being the most popular, and continued to be throughout highschool.

I guess I kind of hung out with the "Jordan Group" as my mom liked to call it, because the group practically existed because so many people liked Jordan. This dispersed after Jordan moved away the summer after 7th grade.  This is pretty much where I hung out, for the most part. It consisted of Jordan (of course), Cheyanne R. (who became popular the next year), Valerie (..Same), Kim F./Kim E. (Same, but was more with the popular group during 7th grade too), sometimes Josie, Jordan's boyfriend Zach, and a few 8th graders that I can't remember. It changed on a practically daily basis.

There were also kids that would play soccer almost every day, which wasn't really an interest of mine. I didn't want to get all sweaty.

The 8th graders pretty much dominated the Hill over by the soccer fields and the tables. Katharine would usually hang out on the hill with Celeste, or-- I don't really know, sometimes she'd want to hang out with me up there and I'd feel extremely awkward and out of place. Sarah V., Alma and Kayla Main intimidated the hell out of me, and so did most of those girls. I would usually bail pretty quick. REALLY didn't feel like I fit there. I'm assuming they could probably tell.

The fact that Kim took something from when I was in the 8th grade literally makes me laugh. Reading back on this I realize how much I, and many people in my class, have changed dramatically since that time. We're all on different paths now, and to refer to something like THAT as an insult was pretty pathetic.
I was extremely unconfident, and my Mom probably had me get that spray tan to make me feel better about myself. Obviously, some people still must use that as a reference.


yours,
Emily

This is an anime drawing that I did recently for my artists challenge on FaceBook. I really like how this one turned out and wanted to post it. If I had a scanner I'd get a higher quality photo up. Doesn't matter that much though, the artists challenge is to see my own improvement over time.

I'm going to make this quick. Maybe I'll write more later.

So I'm pretty sure this Wellbutrin is kicking in. That, or I am bipolar and I'm going through a "manic" phase. No, not really. I'm just feeling a lot better than yesterday. Probably because school is starting soon, as it is OFFICIALLY April 1st. Happy April fools day.

Today my goal is to:

•  study Japanese for two hours-- because I haven't done it at all lately.
• List 3 items on ebay.
• Get at least an hour of tennis (going to leave here shortly).
• Draw a picture of the day for my art challenge.

That sounds pretty reasonable. I think setting little goals for myself helps me a lot... It gets my mind off the lack of job situation and helps me focus on what I CAN do.
Next quarter I'm going to be spending more time at school, from 9-2 pm. My math class is at 1' which leaves a pretty big chunk in between my Japanese class and math. I'm hoping I can use this time to study. This also means that I really have to make a point of making a bento box or pack a lunch of some kind for myself every day.

The nice thing about Wellbutrin thus far is that I haven't been nearly as lathargic and tired during the day as I once was with Paxil. I'm so glad I'm off disgusting Paxil. It made me miserable.

Wow, mom is bitching at me about dishes, and I know that if I don't do them she's going to get all self pity party again. Most the dishes are because Avery and her friends come in, pig out and leave. Of course this is perfectly excuseable because Avery has friends and a job and she's not a creep recluse like me. God damn it, getting depressed again. I need to leave.

yours,
Emily