Thursday, January 1, 2015

I've returned from a blogging hiatus. Last horror story from 2014.

Every so often I do this, where blogging at some point feels like a chore and doesn't feel like a privilege to me again until I've taken some time away from it. A month and 10 days was very sufficient for me.

I've had some interesting challenges the last month. First of all my accounting final of course. I studied for hours and hours days ahead of time for that thing. I really busted ass to make sure my bases were covered and I was adequately prepared for the test. Had I gone in at the right time I'm sure I would have pulled a B on that test which would have bumped my grade above a C+. But my Dad pretty much sabotaged me.

The day of the final I'd spent all morning preparing but I still wanted more time to study in the car. Ironically I'd actually asked one of my best friend's Dad, Brian, to drive me because I knew he'd be super reliable. I also asked another best friend, Brad. Both of them agreed. You see I'd been studying *ALL* night the previous night, which to some seems crazy, but I was so determined to do well on that test my adrenaline wouldn't have allowed me to sleep.

Oh but low-and-behold, that night actually offered to give me a ride and felt insulted that I'd ask other people... I agreed.

We left the house in his stupid new Hyundai at 4 pm people, my test wasn't until 8 pm. I spent literally every second in that car with my earplugs in studying, or dealing with my Dad lecturing me or screaming at me for God knows what reason. Just existing more or less. He offered to get us dinner and I told him we could get something quick at Shari's in Yakima which might help me relax.

My phone had been off for about a week. By this time I'd just let it die. My Dad's car's time was wrong because he'd just bought it and insisted we had "plenty" of time. I had no phone to double check. Of course after dinner we had to go to fucking Value village and he was in there for more than an hour looking at bullshit garbage like always. He's always gotta have his agenda and my final was the last thing on his mind right then.

We didn't pull into the Ellensburg exit until about a quarter til. I was struggling to direct my Dad to this building where I'd never had a class before but had the two exams for this class. We ended up pretty much circling the building before I just gave up and had him drive us through the Surc parking lot and toward Bouillon until I found it. Of course in the meantime he's screaming. And I mean just yelling in my ear about how much of a stupid sack of crap I am for not having a sense of direction and how all of my problems would be completely preventable if I would just "get my head out of my ass because you're just like your mother." My mom has more talent, heart and stability than he'll ever have.

So there I was, in the car at 8:05 pm. I was scrambling my things together and trying to get my composure together. When I went into the building the door leading to the testing room I needed to be in was LOCKED. The professor had probably opened it to the students at 7:55 pm and went back to his desk to distribute the tests. So there I was frantically running around the building trying to get someone to open the door for me to get to the classroom because my Dad had to get me there on the MINUTE.

You can imagine how much regret I was feeling in my heart at this point. In my mind among the panic of trying to find ANYONE in that empty building to get me to the classroom all these thoughts were going through my head:  How could I be so stupid as to let my idiot father who has no regard for other people's time schedules take me to this test? Why did I not just get a ride with Brad? Will I even make it into this test?

I wasted 40 minutes of the two hours of testing time double checking to see that the room number hadn't changed and finally found a professor in her office that showed me how to get through this weird back staircase that led to a little back corridor where the rooms where (wtf is this, Hogwarts?). After all that studying to run into the test 40 minutes late and not even have the significant time to set up the accounting models was the biggest slap in the face, terrible thing that'd happened to me since college started. I felt absolutely robbed.

Of course I didn't finish the test. I pulled a C+ on it ironically and it didn't harm my grade at least. But that was after having to deal with the panic and anger for the following days wondering how I did and the complete mental breakdown I had that night.

The drive home was almost dead silent. Initially when I got in the car I cried and yelled at him for getting me there so late but he immediately turned it on me saying if I knew where the hell I was going this wouldn't be an issue. Seeing my sadness and feeling uncomfortable had it been his fault he immediately started popping off reasons this was my fault. Feeling like complete garbage I just agreed, yelling things along the lines of "Fuck  I'm so stupid and worthless I deserve to die!!" and "What is my fucking problem, this is all my fault!! I'm such a loser!!" and screaming, moaning in agony. Finally this made my Dad stop blaming me and start to feel bad himself and pretty much begged me to stop crying. I did, holding in my anger or any conversation with him until we got home.

But I couldn't withhold my anger when I got in the door and saw my mom sitting at the computer. I immediately started explaining in anger and disdain what I'd just witnessed. In shock and horror I told her how I didn't know how after pretty much having to push my Dad out the door at 4 pm that he wasn't able to get least get me there by 7:30. I felt like shit about my grades, my internship that I plan to apply for, and my academic career in general. Telling you this story right now is bringing up a lot of those emotions.

Since then things have for the most part gone back to normal, being Christmas break and all that... pretty stress free rest of the month. It wasn't hard for me to forgive my Dad because I knew this was just his typical bullshit inability to see outside the box and I really shouldn't have trusted him to get me there in the first place. It's a lesson learned. I feel endangered when I'm in the car with him anywhere because he drives like a lunatic and goes 80 mph everywhere. Never again.

So my Dad can't blame me for not getting an accounting major. He might've been the one to try to push me into it and I originally thought it was a great idea until you sabotaged it by pushing me into that situation. I'm just fine with my economics degree with a business minor. I'll also put "with working accounting background using Excel" or something like that if anyone asks. That cost accounting class did teach me a lot. It wasn't a complete waste.

Now I've got to focus on applying to this internship at PNNL. I should probably do that tomorrow because the moving chaos starts. I'm moving out on the 4th-- Sunday, then have a doctor's appointment to come back for on Monday when I'll pick up Marshall. Classes start on Tuesday.

These past couple weeks I had a lot of nightmares about not being prepared for school, most of which taking place in classrooms where I'm not prepared for presentations or tests  or I'm at some weird desolate apartment building somewhere feeling very lonely.

But these past couple days as I was very proactive about searching for a place to live with a nice roommate (I believe I found one!) and packing away some of my extra stuff these nightmares have gone away. I mean I've still got a lot on my mind. Like obviously about 3 nights a week for the past few months I've spent with Travis so not having that person there is going to kind of suck. Luckily I've got Marshall and hopefully will get in contact with a Dad's friend of mine to work back home on the weekends. We'll see. 

So here's to a fresh start and a new quarter. These are my last six months at Central. It's time to experience a more clean, productive, social college experience because this could very well be my last change. I've got friends there that are already looking forward to seeing me like Gabby and Allie, and I'm really looking forward to meeting my new roommate. She looks like someone who enjoys art, anime and/or Japanese language/culture-- if not all 3. 

Alright that'll be it for tonight folks. See ya. 

No seriously, I'll be back. 


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