This is the third or fourth time I've published this entry.

I'm not going to lie to you guys, today's been in an emotional roller coaster for me. I really don't feel like Terry is interested in me anymore, mainly because I've been the only one to take initiative to talk for the past couple days. It's hard because I guess I let the things he said to me the other night get in my head. He really seemed impressed by my personality and intelligence and I feel like he's now not interested what so ever. I've come to realize that's just what happens in college.

The best thing I can do is try not to pay attention to him. Just be as confident as I have been and not worry. It was hard for me emotionally to cope with the fact that he seemed to be avoiding me today, and because we're in two classes together, one of which I sit directly next to him... well, the best thing I can do is play it cool either way. If that's it with him, fine, I just need to try and relax, focus on my studies and move on.

 I felt weird all day today after going to bed at 9 last night and I feel like a late night off studying and playing my guitar will do me a lot of good. Because of the stress and uncertainly about this situation I've been sleeping earlier to not have to think. I remember that happened with Jed.

I realize now that my lack of confidence in this area of my life is what leads me to a lot of problems. What I have learned in my past experience, though, is when I'm feeling like this the absolute worst thing is to text him seeking answers as to whether or not my suspicions are true. If he's not interested in me anymore, fine. That's his choice and there's nothing I can do about it. I just need to continue to be friendly and confident regardless of what happens.

Now that I've come to terms with my emotions about this I'm feeling a lot better. I can't tell you what will happen in the next few days but I'm going to try and not think about this shotgun crush I had anymore. Whatever happens, happens. God will make things all work out eventually if I work hard and stay focused.


peace. 

go with the flow

Hmm. Not the best day but not the worst either, just a typical monday.

I was initially sort of nervous of how Terry and I were going to interact today, if at all, considering that we hung out this weekend and we haven't spoken much since. He was fine, it was pretty much like last monday where we didn't say much of anything to eachother. Obviously if I were to try to catch him every time we walk out of BOTH classes that we have together it would freak him out and make him think that I'm clingy. I am not clingy or demand attention what-so-ever and the last thing I would want is for him to think that.

Things always ef up for girls when either
A. You have sex with the person before they get to know you or 
B. You act too clingy or act like you need the person. 

Now I don't have a boyfriend myself but I've been through enough that I understand the system if someone likes you. If I don't do either of these things, and he decides he doesn't want to hang out or talk to me anymore then that's just his choice and the way it's meant to be and I wouldn't feel like I did anything wrong.

Again I'm not worried about it, but today I sort of gauged how things are going to be between us. We both like space, I have to continue to give him space and let him text/talk to me as much as possible I think. We had a blast when we hung out with eachother-- even if we're quite argumentative and competitive about things. Hanging out with him kind of reminded me of hanging out with Jacob which really appealed to me. I really like guys with high self esteems, self worth and have their priorities in order at least to a degree.

So yeah, I guess I can admit to you guys that I have a crush. To be honest I'm quite scared about my feelings for this person so I barely flirt at all. He's intimidating because he's very intelligent like I am and the last thing I want him thinking is that I'm a giggly bimbo like the girls in my comm class. Acting less intelligent than I am has caused me to lose a couple guy's interest, and each time after I reflected upon it I felt absolutely silly. That was years ago, though, I have better control over the things I say and do now. I just have to be myself around him, 100%, and whatever happens happens.

Well anyways today's been pretty productive. I've felt kind of lethargic because I went to bed kind of early last night then woke up at 5'. You think that would make me more energized but I actually function a lot better when I stay up somewhat. I actually took a little nap after my statistics class today.

Professional speaking was interesting enough because there were personal introductions. Bradley was like on speed during his speech, he had drank a redbull right beforehand. I am looking forward to doing my speech tomorrow, I've been preparing for it in front of the mirror while I get ready in the morning. Bradley told me that he never rehearses.  I remember when I didn't rehearse or try hardly at all in my speech class at CBC and you could tell.

Well BOTH of my students canceled today. I feel like I've been trying to reschedule them for weeks

So what am I going to do?

Study, play guitar and watch intervention. Yup, the usual. 

peace.

Need or want? (well obviously want....)

Morning everyone.

Weird that I'm writing this early, isn't it? Well it's Sunday so that's usually how things go. I'm usually hanging around the house doing little chores, practicing, and studying. Today's already been pretty good because I re-read the first chapter of Statistics for the third time and did the individual multiple choice questions at the end of the chapter. Apparently Sipic's tests are multiple choice as well so I'm off to a pretty good start for week 1.

Today I'm also planning on doing the multiple choice questions. Terry got those done two days ago and met with Carbaugh to check to see if the questions were right so I'm going to do the same. I remember thinking that was a really good idea last quarter but never actually got to it. His office is right after my class that ends at 10 so I'll be able to stop in tomorrow morning. The first test is probably going to be on either Thursday or Friday morning.

This month the guitar is going to be really big with practicing my guitar because I have my first big recital on the 24th and that damn song has to be like... second nature. Like I should be able to sing along with it if I wanted too. Granted I won't because that would sound silly. BUT. It needs to be THAT memorized, and starting tomorrow I will have 23 days to accomplish this.

Nylon string classical guitars have a standard look but different body shapes and ring designs around the hole. I personally like this one because of the drop on the right and the very plain border hole versus something gahdy looking. 

I was such a jerk, I dropped my acoustic on the ground a couple days ago and I've been too lazy (and haven't wanted to spend the time and money) to get a new string put on at Boogie man. My Grandpa's poor guitar is in danger of breaking down, I'm afraid. So I get nervous to continue using it. I borrowed Kat L.'s guitar which is an Ibanez and I have not been able to finger pick very accurately on it because the strings are much closer together than my Grandpa's classical. I have decided that tomorrow I am going to bring Grandpa's acoustic to Boogie Man, get the D string restrung and hopefully get a proper diagnosis on whether or not I should continue playing it at these extensive hours.

So I need a new classical nylon string acoustic before the bridge rips off of my Grandpa's. Or do I. Do I really need it or do I just want a new guitar?

My intuition actually tells me that I just want a new guitar, and to go get it restrung Tuesday for $10. Fair enough. I don't want to ask Terry for help on it. He's an experienced guitarist himself so he will know it's so lame of me to not be able to do this anyway. Believe it or not though classical guitars are some of the hardest to restring and messing with it myself will almost inevitably lead to unnecessary scratches.

Anyway I'm gonna get going. Got more stuff to do. My phone's pretty much toast because I spilt water on it last night, ugh! Technology is really eating a hole in my pocket lately

peace. 

Wrapping my head around this

Hi.

  I would usually talk to Katelynn about this and save my bloggers from that but needless to say I can no longer communicate with Katelynn so this is the next best thing. I think someone's kind of taken interest in me

I hadn't noticed him that much on the first day but we did have a quick conversation on Wednesday after the firealarm in Statistics. We spent about a half hour talking that day because we got coffee at the building next to Shaw. He plays baseball at central so has to works out really rigorously. I would never want to wake up at 5:40 am to get to the gym at 6 to work out two hours before class. That just seems like a huge pain in the ass, ha ha, but I respect him enough for doing that.

Anyway I went out to dinner with my parents yesterday. I drove over to Union Gap to meet with them were we ate at a Shari's. My Dad HATES when I text at the table so I didn't text him at all that day except for to ask what his specialization was. He's specializing in Finance which is what I've been considering switching my major too. 

NOT because of this. Good lord, no, you know me I never make major decisions based on a guy's interest. 

What mainly had me thinking about switching majors was that I've been really inspired by my professor in my Statistics class to keep working at this. Business math gets crazy and frustrating but I've got the groundwork for accounting, economics and finite math under my belt so I feel I could keep doing these finance classes into my Senior year instead of doing Human Resource management..

Because even if every company has those, they're just kind of used as the last mediator when there's problems in the workplace and hire/fire people. That means I'd be dealing with breaking people's hearts when they have to go home to their family to say they don't have a job. I just don't know if I can do that.  

I feel that I'm a leader and that if I were to ever work for a company I would want to be helping make actual decisions.

Anyway so Terry came over around 10' or so last night and I showed him around my house a bit. He looked around my room and asked what I do on the weekends and asked, "What do you do on the weekends?" I quickly respond, "Play guitar all day, ha ha ha." I sort of dodge the subjects of my weekends because up until about halfway through winter quarter I was barely doing anything on the weekends except go home to see Katelynn. And now that I'm not friends with Abe anymore, I don't know where parties or anything are located. 

We got along really well. He's really sarcastic and competitive so we give eachother a lot of shit and can laugh a lot. He seems to like me quite a bit but I'm taking things really slow. I'm really interested to get to know him more because he's got a lot of similar hobbies that I do and I think we could have a lot of fun doing things together if he's not as competitive as he seems, ha ha ha. 

Athletic guys are usually really afraid of girls being clingy because their time is so limited, so I'm giving him his space to kind of invite me when he wants to do things until we know eachother. I'm looking forward to the next time I see him, which will probably be Monday. 

peace. 

3rd day and The wheels are already in motion

Damn, today was interesting. Definitely more interesting than what I had to tell you yesterday so excuse me if I go on.

Econ today was different because we had a professor from a different class. There's an older lady in my class that I sit next to in my statistics class as well that's very eager and raises her hand continually to either ask questions or answer about something... which usually only people do if they know the answer. Usually in Carbaugh's class I will just respond answers when he does the call and response thing. I like when teachers do that a lot because it keeps me paying attention.

Anyway she continued to do that again today. I noticed this morning that a guy that I sit next to in my Statistics class also sits directly across from me in economics. We had caught eachothers eyes this morning and I'm like, huh, wonder if I'll sit next to him again today. Sometimes people rearrange themselves in class. I'm pretty happy with my seating this quarter because I got my spot in economics again that I was in last quarter, it's really easy to see there and keeps me from looking at other people.

She would wear rings that look like this, except daintier looking and silver. I'm not going to lie I think this ring is really cool. Even if this girl's voice used to bother me she has good taste.

That girl that sat next to be kind of in econ last quarter with the blonde hair and really perfectly coordinated clothes last quarter-- she's in two of my classes this quarter. I'm starting to really recognize more people in the business program which is cool though I don't know how consistent it'll remain when I get into my major next year. Anyway that girl used to distract me because she'd wear this ring that looked like two hands crossing over your finger, it was the weirdest looking ring and my eyes always ended up drawn to it. Not anymore though, she doesn't sit next to me anymore.

Continuing on here.. went back to my apartment for two hours, ate and relaxed. I have to say I'm liking my schedule with the two hour breaks. It gives me a chance to recharge before my classes and I've been absorbing so much information because I've been studying throughout the day instead of globbed up in the morning. Maybe as much as I try I am not a morning person after all, maybe this is better for me. We'll see.

Then Statistics. I sat in my regular seat. This is the first time I actually looked at this guy (his name is Terry) who I sat next to yesterday and felt awkward because he kept on looking at my notes. First thing I notice is a tattoo of a scroll on his arm. I also noticed that his arms are huge. He's tall and clearly very dedicated to his body because it'd take so much work to get like that.

I then looked at his hands, which stood out to me more than anything because I noticed that he had really big hand muscles under his pinky (these muscles grow as you play guitar, or I suppose work out too. Guys tend to get more prominant hand muscles like that-- I remember Jack's hands were similar) and I started wondering if he played guitar.

At this point we'd made eye contact a solid number of times. Yesterday he tried to kind of get my attention by asking me what the histogram on my paper was for and I said "...Yesterday's questions on page 5." Lol. If he was trying to make small talk there I didn't take a hint. I decided to ask him a few minutes before class started if he's in my economics class, and he said that he was and we started talking a little from there.

He does play guitar. I don't know how rigorously now that I know more about him because I can't imagine he has time.

Fire alarm goes off in my Stats class. My teacher was like, "What the Hell? Okay see you all tomorrow..." Lol I like Sipic, I was actually kind of looking forward to lecture today which is almost painful to admit because I can't believe i'd ever want to listen about studying datapoints....

I followed Terry out of Shaw outside where people were standing around. I introduced myself and Terry told me he was done for the day and we started to walk around and get to know eachother a little bit. He seems like a pretty level headed guy, he's majoring in business administration too.

I was really surprised that Terry invited to give me a ride back after class. I told him he really didn't have to because I have a bike but he said he had a truck that we could load it into. Again, cool to get to talk to him. He likes tennis so that's a plus too, I want to play so badly.

Then my public speaking class, which was also fun today. We did self introductions followed by an "interesting fact, for example how you get to school every day." Well, almost everyone in the class said how they get to school... on a bike, in their car, yadda yadda. Some people were more creative on what they said. I'd actually rehearsed mine a little in the mirror at home because I know that I have a tendency to talk really fast when I'm even a little nervous.

Here's the average speech: "Hi my name is "    " and how I get to class is I drive my car... any questions?"

This was my speech: "Hello, my name is Emily and one of my favorite highlights of the day is cranking up my music and speed-biking to class. I'd like to open up for questions."(this was funny, lol)

There's a really attractive, egotistical (okay, maybe "cocky" seems like a better word here. He seems like a nice guy, but during his speech you can just tell he was loving the squeels of the girls in the audience) guy in my class that shot his hand up immediately and asked what my favorite band is that sends me flying.


I responded "Dream Theater" and he's like "WHAT! Are you serious?! They're amazing, what do you think of their new drummer?" I just said "I can't think of their drummer right now, but John Petrucci is a huge inspiration to me."

He went on asking a stream of questions. I actually cut him off and said "Okay then! Is there any more questions?" That was just meant to be a joke so hopefully I don't get docked for being rude or something


I should have said their old drummer was better. At least that's what Jacob says.

Well to be honest I'm glad I didn't act like I knew, it wouldn't be fair because I haven't paid much attention to either drummers. For future reference the drummer for Dream theater currently is Mike Mangini. He doesn't have as many flashy pictures as if you look up Petrucci or Labrie with their wild locks everywhere, ha ha ha. 

Wow, okay here's Mark Portnoy. Now  if this were simply a LOOKS competition yes I could tell you who fits better in Dream theater from these two pictures. But how do their skills compare? Couldn't tell you. 

Anyway it was a good day. Had a lesson with Jacob today and mentioned that I'd subscribed to Luke Jaeger's page. He's like "So when's you guy's date?" I'm like wowwww. He jokes about it because apparently this guy never dates anyone, like he's apparently got the highest standards in the entire world and never has found anyone that suits him... or maybe he does and just acts like he doesn't have contact with anyone. That's interesting to me too. Jake told me that whenever Luke thinks a girl is interested in him he backs off bad so I have to make sure that if I do meet him I do not come off flirtatious what so ever. 

Just look how f*cking perfect that is though. It's insane. I would love to get lessons from him someday, he's a master. Lol I think of it like Jacob is my sensei and this guy is HIS sensei. I still have.... mass amounts to learn from Jacob. Actually getting to where Jacob is today will take years, and I'll be lucky if I half as good as Luke in 10,000 hours. 

I love the guitar so much, my soul sometimes feels so engrossed that  when I play the neck feels like part of my body. 

peace

I give up, you look like a complete....

It's unfortunate that some people have to act so rudely to get through their every day life, even if that person is quite attractive. It's like girls that think they're just too hot for everyone so they choose to flaunt it by acting like a bitch to everyone without consequences. It's kind of nasty, honestly.

I'm happy I'm not one of these people. To be honest I just all around can't stand mean people. Like I will try to find the good in anyone but the second that you act straight out mean and hateful toward people for whatever irrational reason you're only setting yourself up to be a very alone person.

I don't know, just something on my mind right now...I just wish it wasn't this person's girlfriend that didn't hate me automatically. And she posted this picture today that was just... blegh, so dark and trashy looking--we're not on the same wavelength and I know that there's no way this person will ever like me or want me around in their personal life.

I'm making chicken. It's 7:10 and I haven't studied yet today but I did a very good job of staying alert in class today. That's a plus, thanks Rhodiola or whatever that stuff my sister's boyfriend is selling me.

It's an energizing multi-vitamin, very good! 

Well I went on Katelynn's facebook today and noticed that I am not the only person she's cut out of her life. She's also cut out all of Alan's other friends like Chint and Stu and is no longer friends with Shyanne either. I hate to say that I'm a little relieved because Katelynn has actually done this before when she has problems that she builds up and doesn't tell anyone.. but it usually doesn't extend to me. This time she's cut me out and just like Jon A. after they broke off their engagement I am totally bewildered. 

I just want her to be okay. I have no idea what's going on with her and nobody seems too. I presume Alan is the only one who knows and it's not like I'm going to ask him if she's doing okay because I respect her enough not to talk to her if that's what she wants.... But this has still been a hard adjustment for me to swallow. 

At least school is going well. My speech class is starting to look like it's going to be one of my easier classes. I really have no trouble speaking in front of people anymore. Youtube has helped with that and saying "uhm" and "uh" too much. I just need to remember good posture. I'm not scared. 

There's a lot of really flirty, hyper, tanned girls in there. Lol it seems like that's what the comm department is full of. 

My statistics class, oddly enough, has a lot of attractive people in it too. Maybe people just look better because they were out in the sun all spring break. I certainly was not. Getting a tan never even crossed my mind. I love being different that way.

peace. 

Time management issues

Wow, this quarter is going to present all new challenges....

Today was my first day of classes and my schedule really took a toll on me physically and I'm wondering how I'm going to adjust and plan my time as efficiently as possible.

I'm taking three classes in this order:

Macro-Economics with Carbaugh, 9:00-9:50
Didn't study for this today yet, I plan to read the first review after I get offline here in a few minutes.

Today this was the hardest to pay attention because I'm very used to the format of Carbaugh's class now that I've taken him for microeconomics. I feel like it sort of gives me an edge in the class. Ha ha, in most cases over this last year I would rather not take the professor again.

Not saying I didn't enjoy listening to the professor's lectures at all or participating in the class at the time. There were just some classes that were harder than others and taking the next level up would be dreadful. Like my legal environment of business class. I liked the professor but it was so boring and two hours long.

But yeah Rob Carbaugh is an excellent professor. I try really hard to stay on top of the material outside of class because there's no excuse for not doing well on his tests. He gives students such an overabundance of tools to use to study for that I'd feel guilty not studying for the tests. He also puts a ton of work in his handouts. I printed the required 80 page packet of handouts at the BEGINNING of the quarter this time. Cost me $2 to print in the library (getting the hang of the ugly Mac system). They're double sided and out of order currently but they're all there.

Business Statistics with Sipic
Studied this for TWO SOLID HOURS....

Okay this professor inspired me today. He's AWESOME. My favorite kind of no bullshit professor. He's Croatian, so his accent sounds similar to Russian. It was hilarious today though, every time he impersonated an American coming to talk to him he would go out of his Croatian accent and do this funny sort of "Anglo-"American accent that sounded like the clear eyes guy.

He spent a lot of the class discussing that Statistics is exactly and the importance of data in the everyday world and why you should care about learning it. He said that when he's talked to major companies their supervisors usually say they're looking for employees that know statistics and how to analyze data.

There was sort of lightbulb that went off in my head when he was discussing it today and I finally realized why I'd been doing the problems that I was having such a difficult time conceptualizing in finite math. I really appreciate Dale Width for being such a laid back grader in that class because I realize now that everything that I did in that class was meant to lead up to this AH-HA moment! Yay!!

Public Speaking
This class was PACKED! There were 11 people on the wait list and I was so fortunate to be number 1 so I just got moved over to that class. Because I wasn't on the attendance list for some reason I was stressed out for most of that class. It was really crowded, I couldn't help but notice how many girls with fake tans there were in the room, I was so uncomfortable. Tomorrow I'm going to sit in the front.

I'm going to make it to my classes earlier tomorrow.. especially economics because I want to sit in the front again this quarter, the second row sucks.

I have two hour blocks in between my three classes so I'm thinking of applying for a job. That's all for today.

peace.