So excited to see......

Goodevening to anyone reading.

I hope your day went well. Mine was pretty boring but somewhat productive. I helped my Dad paint a shed, figured out my New years resolutions and played guitar for over 80 minutes (my new daily goal, which if I achieve get to pick out a sticker from Dale's box that I mentioned earlier). I'll have to take a picture of my practice log at the end of the week to show you the stickers I chose. Not that anyone cares.


My Grandma asked me today about my girl friends and I said I had virtually zero in Ellensburg but that I did meet this awesome girl named Laura recently who lives in Richland. I met her through this guy I went out with named Jon. I'm hoping I can make plans with both of them before I go back to Ellensburg. I have the 2nd or the 3rd to do it on and plan on moving back to Ellensburg on the 4th. I'm so excited to see my baby Marshall.

That's Laura on the far right, she's really pretty and interesting and look forward to hanging out with her and Jon again. 

Alright I'm going to have to cut this short, Connor is going to call me and we're going to BS for a little while before I go to bed. 

peace. 

What good could be going down in Saticoy

A couple days ago I went on a short hike with my aunt, sister, cousin Zoe and her friend Kaeli. I spend some time laying on these rocks while  they were checking out the tidepools (I was wearing Yoga pants and didn't want them to get icky on the bottom). 

Wow, has it literally been four days since I've written.

I've had an interesting few days to say the least so this blog is going to be long, just warning you now. Right now I'm at my Grandma's house alone in this dead silent house. Just splurged the last of my Christmas money before I had a chance to waste it on the rest of this trip on food. I'm broke as sh*t but I think I've got a good chance at scoring this office assistant position at the school if Sipic puts a good word in for me.

Teeny-tiny default picture of my uncle John from his facebook profile. I haven't seen him in years. 

So lets back up to the 27th. My uncle John invited us over to come have his WORLD FAMOUS chicken tacos. The day before there had definitely been a lot of talk between my aunt and mother about who would be going to John's house because we were all invited but they had other plans for the evening. My aunt felt uncomfortable because my cousin had just moved out into John's house and she thought he would bring it up.

We all figured it'd just be best if just the "kids" went-- Me, Avery, Kylea, and Zoe. We took the van up to his nice house in Paso at around 6 after taking the hike. John and I had a great time drinking and talking about old times, music, our lives and my family. We also talked a lot about my cousin JJ (He goes by John, full name "John Jr." but I still call him JJ) and how he wasn't able to be there because he's getting into some dirty business. That's been on my mind a lot during this trip. I've been able to keep in contact with him on facebook and he had said he was coming but now that I've been here I think it'd be nearly impossible. He keeps on changing location every time I talk to him.

Like today he's in Saticoy, California. That's near Ventura about 2 and a half hours away from here. If I were to drive there myself I might as well drive all the way to LA while I'm at it. No vehicle, no money, not happening. 

Yesterday I was hungover and mainly hung out at the house until I went over to Dales at around 4. Dale was an extreme introvert for many years and after my Jewish uncle Robert died she's been able to spend more time with us. Like Robert would never want anyone to come over to their house, even me. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to do so, however, and get my own box of unique stickers from Dale's collection.

She lives in a Duplex over in Paso that could be compared to a "hoarder" house but it didn't make me uncomfortable to hang out there for a few hours. Though I did experience some inconvenience when I was trying to access some sticker drawers that were located behind a huge Christmas tree and a collection of dolls that proved to be quite difficult. She was really welcoming though and encouraged me to take any stickers that I want. And I did. My bike is going to have LOTS of new additions when I get back, including the awesome Pantera sticker my Dad got me for Christmas. The stickers will also of course be used for practice sheets and goal checklists and stuff like that.


Today I've had a bit of a headcold so I had the plan to stay here and play guitar all day but so far that's been a complete fail. Cooking is a huge inconvenience here because of my Grandmother's cast-iron skillets that burn things, the electric stove and the lack of usable ingredients. More than half the shit in her cabinets is Gluten-free, like the pancakes she made this morning that tasted gummy and disgusting. My Dad somehow ate them without complaint though which was bizarre because nobody else in my family could. What the Hell, my Dad's normally the pickiest eater on earth.

Honestly I'm really starting to miss my cat and look forward to heading home. We're leaving on the 1st which is only a few days away but then I've gotta survive the lonnnnng drive home with my parents. Better charge my DS.

peace. 

Christmas I can't complain.

I can honestly tell you today was the best Christmas I've ever had.

Though this isn't meant to somehow demean the work of my parents or Dad's side of the family in past years. I've been fortunate enough to have a lot of great Christmas's; today was just really good. The weather was beautiful today, like 77 degrees, might even have gotten in the 80's at some point because my Grandma was complaining about being hot but she always does that. She'd much rather be cold most of the time.

#1 Gift of the Day: King of the Hill DVDs, Hell f**king yes I am so happy to finally have these.

You know what's awesome about having the DVD version? I get access to the SPANISH version and can watch it with English translations!! So I can enjoy watching King of the Hill and study spanish at the same time while I practice chords......!!!!!!! YESSSSSSS *EXPLODES*

I got some of the best damn gifts this year. It seemed as though I got a disproportionately larger number of gifts than Avery but I realized it was because my sister got a big gift this year-- brand new laptop! She's needed one for years so I'm happy she's got one for school. I know she'll take better care of it than I ever have any of my laptops. Right now I'm using my Mom's laptop because my Grandma's PC doesn't play DVDs. Oh well it's a little old but it's been playing my Intervention episodes just fine since I've gotten here... I just can't get enough of those meth heads and alcoholics and PCP addicts I tell you what. Yet I can't sit through an episode of popular shows like It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia without being forced.

Awesome Gift of the Day #2: My sketch set from my Dad!

Well this was something I found for $25 at Ross but didn't want to spend my own money on it so I had my Dad get it for me. He didn't bother to wrap it, it was given to me in the Ross bag he got it in sort of crumpled up but I didn't care, I acted like it was the first time I saw it and everyone was impressed by my Dad's gift buying skills.

I spent a solid three hours sitting with my aunt Dale and drawing this picture of my cousin today. It was nice, working on the picture sort of glued me to my seat and she's always surprisingly easy to make conversation with. She was so grateful to be with us. Since my uncle Robert died she was never able to spend Christmas was my Grandpa Dennis's (his brother's) family. My grandparents supported Robert and Dale for years to help with living expenses along with the SSI they were already receiving from the state from disability. They're both really Jewish and Robert had some screws lose which is why they never worked. He passed away recently so Dale finally got to spend Christmas with her family. It honestly makes me a little sad to think about the past when I hear my Grandma and Dale talk about the stress their husbands put them through and how relieved they are in some sense. 

I don't know, I think women just had to put up with more back then in general.... 

Tomorrow I'm going to Dale's house to check out her epic collection of stuff. She's a collector and she says she has THOUSANDS of stickers, which makes me happy because as you guys know I'm a sticker fanatic ever since I started putting them on my bike. I bet I'll find some hilarious retro ones. I've seen the inside of her house before, for some a "hoarder" house is really uncomfortable to spend time in but it doesn't bother me at all for some reason. I'm just too fascinated to care, I'm like my Dad that way. Tomorrow he's going to go with me and we're going to fix her sink.

Christmas dinner was really good tonight. The ingredients used were really good and fresh because they're mainly organic and I didn't feel gross after eating. I didn't eat that much though. Didn't feel like eating sweets today at all and didn't have the cinnamon rolls for breakfast or pie after dessert. I've decided that since I'm here I might as well get in better shape while I've got this nice space and healthy food around and it's sort of deterred me from eating more.

I feel like alcohol makes me not want sweets for some reason, too. Like if I'm drinking I tend to only eat savory things and eating something like a donut, pie, icecream etc doesn't sound appetizing what so ever. Ha ha my aunt and uncle got me a bottle of my uncles favorite tequila, he's Mexican and likes to party, I'm sure he knows a good bottle of tequila and I look forward to trying this eventually. After the trip though, it's stowed in my "stuff that I don't actually need until the end of the trip" suitcase. 

Alright I think that's enough for now. 

peace. 

THIS IS CHRIST-MAS EVE, THIS IS CHRIST-MAS EVE!

Pleasure to see you all again.

Today's been a relaxing, good day. Of course it's Christmas eve, everyone's in a good mood. I got up and got ready this morning at around 11 but I didn't actually go anywhere. I just do my hair and makeup every day that I'm on vacation because I never know what my Grandma might think is photo worthy. Ha ha unfortunately I've done nothing photo worthy today by any means, I sat on my ass in front of the computer and played guitar all day. I did see and talk to my family and play with Aiden of course. 

I made myself a turkey bagel sandwich for breakfast and a turkey sandwich for lunch. I snacked around on chips and salsa a little bit, as well as ate an apple. I can easily recall what I eat here because I generally have to prepare it in my Grandma's kitchen which requires picking and choosing through organic almond milk and flax seed cake.. Thank you Trader Joes. 

Right now I'm waiting on my aunt to bring pizza, it's 6:55 pm and I haven't really eaten a meal since 2 and I'm getting sooo hungry. Oh thank God it's here, that sh*t took hours. I'm gonna eat three pieces, f**k the rest!!! 

26 minutes later...

Well I ate two pieces, and one of them was puny and gluten free and I'm feeling stuffed. It's probably from the beer that I'm drinking to put up with my Grandmother's weird nonsense. She's always talking about her food intake and how she needs to burn off the calories she consumes. Like at dinner she's like "I wonder how many miles it will take me to burn this off..." She stood up to took her plate in and I said to my sister, "I wonder how many miles it'll take for me to give a f**k." She cracked up. 

 I know that my sister has a harder time with my grandma's food comments more than I do because it makes her feel guilty for eating. I don't blame her. Like she was dipping her pizza in ranch and my Grandma was like "Pizza and ranch?" like what a health disgrace! Stuff like that. 

My sister's been cooking all day and bringing in groceries to prepare the snacks for Christmas eve. I'm glad she did because I don't think there would have been anything else to munch on otherwise. My sister had left to pick up some things she'd forgotten and I overheard my aunt say, "Where is she going, to get more food?" It's Christmas eve!! Like since I've been here all I've heard is backhanded comments about what people are eating... but then at the same time Grandma will go on and on about how great the stuff my sister is making is to almost make up for her hurtful comments. 

Like always I've been switching between being on the computer practicing and hanging out with family. I feel I've been chill and friendly with everyone. I've been having a lot of fun hanging out with my cousin Aiden, he runs in and out every so often.

Well I'm going to go exercise. Somehow all that talk about burning off calories when we were eating pizza got to my head.

peace.

A good guitarist just knows.

Today I decorated this "Gingerbread Dance Club" with my cousin Aiden. 

I love him so much and was super happy to see him. He's 6 now so we can carry on little conversations and he cracks me up because he's clever. 

It's Monday and tomorrow's Christmas eve. I don't really get all fired up over counting down the the days or anything, but now that it's almost here I'm getting excited. I finally finished my shopping today.

This morning I got up around 10:30 am. My Grandma and parents have always gotten up earlier and this morning I overheard my Dad talking to my Grandma about the guitar and how I'm starting to "create my own style with it." He also of course mentioned his awesome guitar-playing, pot smoking cousin Carl that once told my Dad that the key to getting good at guitar is Practice, practice, practice all the time. Lol thank you Dad for sharing this insight. Anyway that complement meant a lot to me... For some reason I'm always much more flattered when I overhear a person talking about me than a complement to my face that my playing is good.

Whenever someone says I'm good I just tend to deny it. Even after all this work I feel like I'm not close to where I want to be. I am so critical of my playing cleanliness, making mistakes, and the fact that I have such a difficult time memorizing things. I don't know any guitarists that have to grab a big binder of tabs to play for their f**king family, a good guitarist just knows. They know how to both improvise AND play songs. They can confidently perform pieces without forgetting sections and having to figure out where that damn measure is located so I can keep playing...

That perfection is what drives me to practice the way that I do. That confidence just isn't there yet... Even playing in front of my family in the living room that I haven't seen in a year in a half I found practically impossible. I was frustrated because I didn't have my nylon string acoustic and had to borrow my Grandma's steal string. I didn't have the Nothing Else Matters tab nor do I have Guitar Pro on this computer so I had to print it in ugly rough tab form from the ultimate-guitar website. The tab that I printed was laid out very confusing so I couldn't find the solo.

Yet everyone said it was good and I'm just screaming to myself in my head, "No! It's not!! I'm so much better than this, I just wish I had my acoustic.. I just wish I had the tab." And it's always been that way. I can sit here and play alone for hours upon hours and move from song to song seemingly effortlessly yet when I get in front of family or people like Jake that are way better than me I just become a disorganized, excuse making mess.

I'm so tired of that... I need to get my shit together and put more effort into memorizing songs and not skipping from song to song. I need to stick with just three songs at a time and make routine progress on them until I complete and memorize them before I stow them away and print new shit. I did sooo much of that my first year and a half of playing (note that I've been playing 1 year, 7 months... Jake only recently really cracked down on me for being ADHD with songs) and it's what's lead me to where I am now and I know the changes I have to make to get there now.

Wow, I was supposed to be writing about having a good day but now here I am crying.

I guess just being able to show my family what I can do after all this work is important to me. Somehow not having copies of two of my recital pieces was a complete b*tch and even if my family was impressed I still felt like sh*t about it. Oh well, guess there's always next year.


Okay let's talk about something other than guitar...

When I say playing for my family I mean my Mom, Grandma, Mandy, Zoe, Zoe's boyfriend, my sister, Adam, Aiden, Adam's neice and my Dad. My Dad and I had just gone Christmas shopping at Ross so I got a change to grab some last minute stuff that makes my amount of money right now a little less obvious. My Dad's been kicking me a lot of cash on this trip because he says he feels "bad for me" because my sister's loaded from working at Roasters. Well that's what I get for going to school full time I guess.

Next quarter I still will be. I'll just be taking that online class and having one class a day so I have zerooooo excuse NOT to get a job. I'd go stir crazy if I didn't. Terry and I are both convinced we are going to do a lot better this quarter than last, but that means I have to stay on top of things better than I did last quarter. Working might help me schedule my day better, who knows.


peace.

Tension you could cut with a knife

Damn it's been a long day.

10 hours driving to California is never fun but my Dad has just been on a roll since we left. With his continuous cursing and getting pissed off about the tiniest things it's put us all on eggshells. I've tried to just smoke and keep my mind preoccupied with my DS. Smoking on the road isn't an easy task though. It requires me to have to get creative about getting large amounts of water, then finding a windless, secluded location. Makes me feel like a damn druggy, but hey it's legal.

I mean I know I'm addicted, and being with family makes it even harder. I didn't pack enough ammunition for the trip so I'm going to try to hit up a relative to find a dealer.. I wish smoking wasn't such an inconvenience.

Last night I went out and had a pretty fun time. I'd met this guy named Jon on facebook when he asked me if I'd be interested in volunteering for radcon this year. We picked up his friend Laura (she was really sweet, I'm planning to add her on facebook and hope that wasn't just drunken friendliness) and met some other friends of his at the Uptown.

I'd drank a little at home and a shot of Vodka at Laura's so once I finished my beer at the Uptown I was feeling pretty good. I'm getting better at pool, and I'm starting to enjoy it! Ha ha probably not a very healthy hobby. Someday I want my own pool table for sure... Anyway. We played pool for awhile before a few of Jon's friends showed up, one of them was this asian guy named Michael that I ended up kissing at some point that night.... ha ha, alrighty Emily.

We went over to the Town Crier afterward which was a pretty damn good time too because the music was good and people were dancing around 12 so I got a little of that (last time I went out-- i.e. with Sheridan last week, there was no dancing where we went). The club scene just isn't there from what I've seen in the tri cities. But yeah, Town crier was fun, it's the first time I'd gone and they were pretty busy.

Whenever I'm at a Motel I half expect to see a hooker. Even if this has never occurred to me, it's always been an entertaining thought that somewhere in this Motel there's probably a John taking care of a client. 

Or not, it's pretty f*cking cold here in Weed California.

Right now I'm in a Motel 6 and it just hit 1 am. My sister and I got a separate room from our parents so we can get a much needed break from eachother and don't have to fight over the bathroom  tomorrow morning. It's a good idea. Had we gone to holiday inn we would have paid twice as much for one room and almost certainly had issues tomorrow morning...

Just gotta try and keep a positive outlook tomorrow. My Dad is always so negative.. whether he's talking about the news, talking about our lives, whatever. He just puts this horrible gray light on everything and quite frankly it makes me sick to be stuck with. It wears on my mom reallly bad too. She can barely say a word to him without him freaking out. When he acts rude it influences me to not bother being polite either. I have to be more cordial tomorrow or it's going to be a long day, a long trip......

peace. 

Recital tres and experience drinking in hot tubs

Evening.

Well it's passed midnight. Slept practically all day today-- which is what normally happens after something big happens and I feel I need to restore my equilibrium; which I'm lucky and thankful that I am able to do so.

I would have liked to of been able to write the past few days but I was busily preparing to go home and for the recital yesterday.

I didn't get any pictures from the actual recital, here's a pic of me and Conner chillin afterward. He knows so many more songs than I do, though he's been playing since we dated about four years ago. 

Spending time with him always makes me feels like my life hasn't changed since I was 16. It's fun to pretend. 

Well the recital was okay, not really the greatest it could have gone for me personally which is why I left during the intermission (which I'm sure I'm going to hear about on Thursday when I try to get my certificate from him). I'll explain why.

I got there about 10 minutes later than I'd anticipated (call time for students was 5:45 and I got there around 6' because I couldn't find my lanyard at home... again) and my Dad pulled in around the same time. He helped me unload some of my gear. I'd brought my VOX so I could potentially avoid the problems I'd had last time where it was too quiet. 

My Dad was hesitant about bringing the amp in, he's like "Run in and talk to your teacher and ask if it's okay if you bring it before I haul this damn thing!" Which to me sounded like a lot of hassle because it would require locating Jake through a maze of hallways in the Mormon church. I'm like "You know what Dad, nevermind, you just take my guitar and I'll take the amp, I don't care!" 

He grabbed the amp and we walked through the parking lot, "Hey I'm following you man." My Dad must have said this three times as we walked through the church. I don't know if he was just stoned or nervous, probably a combination of the two. Having grown up in the Mormon family my Dad gets a little sketched out by the church. We saw my Grandpa Walt lying in a casket there, at this point my Dad was pretty much "estranged" (as my Grandma calls it, though I considered it kicked out) from the rest of the family. Granted this situation had nothing to do with the Mormon church or this recital, but rather a rivalry between my Dad and his brother, so I don't know why I'm talking to you guys about this now... Anyway.

I go to the back and set my stuff down. I don't know any of the other students really and don't make small talk. My mind is entirely focused on how I want the piece to sound. I pick up my guitar and start running through it and my low E sounded a little flat. Instead of just handing it over to Jacob I really should have just tightened the little tuning peg thing. 

Buuut I gave my guitar to Jacob, he unscrewed all the little round nobs at the bottom of my tremelo, and then somehow the entire guitar ended up a step down... I felt like such a  noob trying to desperately get my guitar tuned because I still can't figure out how to change the tuning with that f*^%ing Floyd Rose on there. It's been the lamest thing, I want to get it taken off so I can change the tuning regularly. 

Jake could tell I was panicked, but it's not like this is anything new. Standing over by the door he said to me "Next time I'll have you play an easy chord song so you can play in a group..." I just remember feeling my heart feel like it fell into my stomach, like what are you saying, that I can't handle playing alone? That I'm not as good as your little pride and joy 10 year old Hispanic kid that plays solo? I felt like the biggest loser on the planet. I can't even explain how low I felt just then. I'll never tell him how bad this made me feel because it just inspires me to work harder.

Anyway, so here I am right before I go on and I'm practicing the intro riff over and over... The guitar sounds fine because I had this guy just help me tune it in the other room a couple minutes earlier. I go on stage and plug it in, adjust the amp settings nervously as hell (I did get to use my amp but that can be difficult for me to understand how to get the sound just right too). I strike a chord and this horrible bwaaaahhh sound comes out instead of a E minor. Of course my mind's like What the f*&^ why isn't this tuned... oh God oh God... So I had to get Andy's attention to get Jake, who had to rush up there to fix the tuning. While he did so I was pretty much having an angry panic attack, like "Why is this messed up? This is such bullshit!!" 

After this happened I felt I didn't have time to test the amp, plugged myself in and played it the best I could. Honestly it sounded like crap to me. People always say "Oh you did good!" and "Oh you rocked!" blah blah blah but in my head it doesn't, it just sounds like muddled crap that sounds half as good as when I'd practiced it at home. 

That's why I have to keep working hard. I need to get good enough that my skill outweighs my panic and frustration with myself and eventually the confidence will follow. I just set my goals high, if I'm going to perform something publicly it should be perfect or as close to perfect as possible and every mistake that I make is like a reminder that I should have practiced harder. That hour spent on facebook is one more hour that could have been spent practicing.

I just want my damn certificate so I can frame it and stick it on my wall. I know at that point I will feel a sense of accomplishment because it is physical proof of a step in the right direction. Right now I just feel mad and disappointed when I recollect the details in my head, which is how I felt the last time I'd performed too. Which is stupid because I shouldn't be mad at myself, it sounded fine. I probably make it sound like I went up there and totally f*cked it up but I guess it's the emotions of how I was feeling when I played it versus what I'd envisioned. 

Next time. 

So lets talk more about Conner's house that's always fun. 

Conner's Mom came in the downstairs around 9 am this morning when I was still completely zonked out on benadryl. She's like totally awake skipping around picking stuff up and was like "You can take a shower upstairs if you want!" I was like "uhhuhhhh...." Ha ha I'm glad his parents like me. 

Conner and I had a blast, definitely an enjoyable time. When I got there he had already drank some and expected I'd be cool with wine but I'm like ehh, no I think I'll pass. Shortly after we got there we drove to the 7-11 and picked up beer. I wanted to buy snacks for myself but he said I should just wait and he'd cook something later. Of course Conner can sometimes be a flake-and-bake so I'm like "Yeah, I'm holding you to that."

He did follow through though! He made bomb beans and rice for us after we'd hung out in the hot tub for an hour and a half or so (stepping out of the hot tub I did feel quite drunk. It's true what they say about drinking in hot tubs, damn!) We watched Futurama, I got to hear him play guitar for the first time in awhile and I thought he sounded great. It was just a really good night. 

peace. 

Are you sucking because I'm listening? Stop that.

Found out today that Sleep Terror is playing Feb 28th

This damn solo, that's all that's been on my mind since school got out because I've got a recital in only two days.

Jake and I had a lesson today and having apparently not warmed up adequately (or just being really stressed out..) I couldn't play that solo for shit for him today. He's like "Are you sucking because I'm listening? Stop that. Stop being so nervous... Slowww down.." All stuff I've heard time and time again. I know the reason that I was nervous today was because I didn't practice enough the previous week so I felt ashamed about that. I'm lucky that I have tomorrow and Saturday to really practice. I have to take advantage of it as much as possible to make up for lost time.

It of course has to be perfectly memorized, I have to get those damn slurs right on the high frets without it sounding screechy or get dead notes, I have to NOT THINK when I'm up there and end up losing my place and getting messed up. The more I practice the next two days the better. Tomorrow I'm going to do at least three hours if it kills me. 

School has been over for a couple days. It was nice getting my finals done on Tuesday, and not having to take my Managerial final because my grade was high enough that I didn't need to drop any of my tests. My public finance final was hard, it had a ton of writing and I was of course one of the last ones in class to finish (and went over the time limit, which of course he was really cool about, as always.)

I think I did well this quarter and I'm trying to feel proud of myself for that but until I see the grades and how it effected my cumulative I can't tell you.

I was able to sell all three of my college textbooks back and got $180 today which was really nice to put away before I head home on Saturday and was able to do some Christmas shopping without having to ask for money (sort of defeats the purpose...). I went to Grocery outlet earlier and got some Christmas gifts, primarily makeup and stuff. Like I got my sister some face wash, my aunt a couple mascaras, my mom a Revlon nailpolish set, and a perfume set that I'm debating whether to keep myself or give to my cousin. It's a playboy set which I thought would deter me from wanting to open it but I really do need some perfume... My Halle Berry stuff from Rite aid spilled in the move and I've wanted some new perfume since.

I also stopped by Shavonne's house earlier to visit and brought her a little eyeshadow set as well and she gave me some treats for Marshall. They're dried cod with catnip treats, he ate some of it but tonight he was more interested in the gristle I'd thrown away in the trash can.

peace. 

Just have to fight a little longer!!!

....Okay I really shouldn't be writing. The amount that I've studied for public finance today hasn't been great, only a couple hours. I'm really sleep deprived because I was unable to take a nap today after my money and banking final because I felt all the stuff I had to get done weighing on me (irony!!!).

I've got a recital in five days. I really worked at the master of puppets solo tonight for an hour, distraction free. I closed my eyes and thought about playing it in front of people and reminded myself that I really need to focus on having it memorized like second nature before that happens. This time it's going to be much easier because I've developed better memorization habits... Back when I was learning Invention I basically used the tabs 24-7 and when it came down to the end and I had to use them on stage it was a huge disadvantage. Can't happen again.

I'm gonna be in practice heaven here after the final's over. I still haven't gotten a chance to designate an hour to listen to Jake's audio and the picking video so I'm making that a staple thing I have to get done tomorrow. I should have done so over a week ago but it's not like this weeks been a cakewalk. But yeah I'm super excited and happy about the recital coming up, especially because I'm going to have a new award certificate for my stairs.... ha ha

Alright I really need to get back to studying public finance. My plan is to study until 1:30 am or so. I don't think I've gone to bed before 1 once in the past week. Right now I'm just mainly doing reading and reviewing the material. Tomorrow morning I plan to get up around 6 to get ready and study the practice final online for a couple hours before the exam.

Of course I want to do well, it's Sipic's class (who looks amazing in red by the way, he wore this shirt the other day that.... okay anyway...) and because he's my adviser and it is very important that I don't look like stupid. Ha ha he's just one of these people that's so smart you really can't BS your way out of anything, so when I'm taking a test and I get to an essay question that I don't know some of the details and will have to sort of half bullshit it I'm like Nooooooo .... 

Okay that's enough writing for tonight, back to work.

peace. 

I got drunk and played video games

Hello to anyone out there reading. It's 1:38 am.

I'm hoping this is the last night in awhile that I have to stay up especially late to study and then wake up the next morning early to study more because it's bad for my health and sleep patterns.

I had to stay up late because I hadn't been particularly proactive about it earlier in the day, feeling kind of depressed and unmotivated after the slow, uneventful weekend I'd had. I did realize yesterday night however that my texts were being blocked on my phone somehow... So on Friday night when I was complaining about how I wasn't getting responses from anyone that was the reason why. I was surprised to have gotten a response from Kala after not hearing from her in over a month.

So on Saturday night I got bombarded with all these texts that had been sent to me on Friday, including from Mike H. who I was considering hitting up to grab a beer with but didn't hear back from him. Oh, funny side note on this, I hadn't been getting my texts from Terry and I received about 5 of them from him first asking how I did on the tests and then sent texts like "Wtf? Lol" when I wouldn't respond and then later like "????" Like oh shit, she might be actually mad this time. I did get a text back from Kala saying it was her. Note at this point last night I was sitting around drinking beer playing sims at around 10 pm.

Excited to hear back from her I'm like 'Hey whats up?' you know, 'What are you doing? Haven't heard from you in awhile, I've still got that hat that was left in my car..." And she sends back this vague response like "Yea I need that hat back, my address is apt blahblahblah"... Not like hey, maybe I'll see you sometime and get that hat back from you. I just felt like it was a complete brush off thing.

And again not having gotten a response back from Allie in over a month (the last text I'd sent her was over Thanksgiving weekend, and I know I'd texted her the previous two weekends and didn't get responses either. Obviously I didn't bother last night) I feel like that's over.

So Terry and I met up to study at like 6 pm in the library and he asked what I ended up doing last night (at which point I began trying to brainstorm a lie of something interesting) and didn't bother and just said "I got drunk and played video games." He kind of cracked up, "Alone?" I'm like, "Yeah, I got a couple invites from guys that I declined..." He said why, like why not. "Because if you let guys buy you drinks they get the wrong impression. Last night I would have rather gone to a bar with a girl and was unsuccessful."

He just said kind of remorsefully "Oh..." It's funny, I'm happy to know that even if Terry and I give eachother shit relentlessly he's emotionally intelligent enough that see when I'm actually going through something difficult and not to throw gasoline on the fire.

Studying itself with Terry earlier was of course sort of useless so I had to do a lot of studying when I got home. I've got my money and banking final tomorrow (technically today...), wish me luck.

peace. 

Why are pretty girls so damn difficult

Well tonight sucked.

Friday night. Would I have liked to go out tonight? Yes. But I have no vehicle and though a couple guys asked me out to go drinking I declined. I really just want a girl to go out and have fun with. I texted Allie Thanksgiving weekend and she didn't reply, nor did she the previous times I'd tried. She has no facebook so that's it I guess.

Same thing with her friend Kala. I tried texting her and got no response... I'm sad to say I haven't seen either of them since halloween, November was a really boring month. I just feel like getting ahold of people around Ellensburg has become increasingly difficult for me.. like I'll text people and won't get responses, mainly girls. 

So of course this makes me feel like shit as a person because it's like well what the Hell did I do when in actuality it could be any number of things, such as jealously, orrrr thinking I take myself too seriously, or their lives are too involved with their boyfriends to have any want/need to spend time with other girls. Or most of the their friends that are girls have been their BFFs for a long time.


I've been stuck in this social limbo.... Guys flirt with me a lot so I do get that kind of attention in my day-to-day life and on facebook but hanging out with them is a touchy situation because they think you're interested in them romantically. And even if they know that you aren't they will still try. And I'm flattered by that but I hate feeling like I'm rejecting someone's emotions toward me.. So I feel like that's been the majority of my social life here. Guys that hit me up, I hang out with them once or twice, then they realize I'm not interested that way and/or won't put out and will move on. Very few lasting friendships because they feel hurt by me.


So over the past month or so I really have put some effort meeting and talking to girls.. Like I met that girl Audrey that I thought seemed really cool and tried to meet up with her which didn't work out and haven't been able to get in touch with her since.

That being said I'm going to go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.. and try to get some work done, though one thing's for certain I have to get out of this apartment. I spent way too much time studying here and I really thought I'd be going out tonight and I'm feeling creepy....


 Everything else that's actually important is going fine. I got an 85 on my econ test which raised my cumulative grade in the class to a 77 so that's a plus. Guitar solo is going really well and it's almost recital ready.

And I might be getting this beautiful guitar from my friend Michael E. for Christmas! Ahhh! 

peace. 

Lets take a speed-a-light ride

I debated whether or not to keep the blog entry I posted last night up and it ironically caused me to stress out a little in bed last night. I said some things that I usually don't admit on my blog, but I figure those of you that read this know me well enough that not much I say should come as a surprise.

Today's been... long. I can definitely say that. I accomplished what I needed to do-- I finished my studying and felt confident enough going into the test this morning. I recorded a total of 10 hours on that exam. If I get above an 80 I'll be very happy with my score-- but yeah obviously final is out of the question. If I get above a 90 that could push my average up to just squeak into a B and I would actually have an option whether or not I want to take it. Granted this is not likely, that test today was hard.... and if I hadn't of thoroughly prepared I would have been in Hell this morning.

When I talked to Terry in Managerial today he said he couldn't even guess what he got. I said anywhere from a 73 (1 point higher than my lowest test, lmfao, because I KNOW I DID BETTER THAN THAT ONE...) to a 92. Give myself a huuuge range so I can't possibly get disappointed. I know it would sound crazy that someone could possibly spend 10 hours studying material and not know it like the back of your hand. It's not that easy... Reading a chapter of money and banking the first time through would take about 2 1/2-3 hours total because the material was so boring that it'd either knock me out half way through or my eyes would start glazing over what I was reading.

I have found that as you start to get the material more and more it gets more interesting. You get excited and accomplished feeling when you start to understand it but it's normally not until right before the test where I feel this kind of confidence. Then you move on from the material and forget about it. That's why taking finals is important (Sipic said this originally and I was like "mehhhh"), because you get a chance to refresh all of the information that might have not made sense before but now you can connect it with what you've learned later and it all comes together...

Managerial was pretty entertaining and stress free today.. I mean considering once again Terry and I spent the entire class writing bullsh*t notes to eachother. A couple times we cracked eachother up so bad that I literally couldn't help cracking up in class. Of course really nobody in class was paying attention, this being the last day of class and people still debating whether or not they want to take the final and Ghosh was all over the place today. Most of what he covered I already knew from my public finance class earlier in the quarter, and every time I'd try to pay attention what was going on in the lecture Terry would bother me and try to get me to play hangman with him or something.

I've actually grown to like Ghosh a lot more as the quarter has gone on because I have learned a ton from the material from his class and it was a great review from Stats but I hope he didn't somehow notice me goofing off in class. The past few weeks I've felt like the days that Terry and I have been there we've quietly acted like middle schoolers.

One of my goals over Christmas break is to actually improve my LinkedIn profile, figure out that website, and start applying for internships in Spokane. 

There's a part of me that's really sad I won't get a chance to see my adviser every other day next quarter because he's really good at keeping me on top of things.... like registering.. Had I been on the ball with that earlier I wouldn't have this impending threat of my public finance class dropping me. Really, really crossing my fingers I'll be able to get into Tennerelli's (probably spelt totally wrong) finance class instead of being stuck in two more very difficult econ classes next quarter and an online class that I would have much rather taken this prof in person.

Oh jeez if you guys have a weird sense of humor like me you're going to love this. Recent discovery that I wish I could show Katelynn because I know she'd love get it..... 

peace. 

6 hours is LONG enough, and I'm tired of this game we play

I'm COMPLETELY drained.... Today I had to sacrifice going to my classes for an all day study session for money and banking, which turned into a practically all night section that I'm just finishing (it's 1:28 am).

It's taken me six hours to get where I'm at now and I still feel like I've barely got a hold on the material. This class is so dry and difficult, but I know that if I do good on the test tomorrow it might make it easier to raise my grade with the final. I know that right now I'm sitting on a C in that class, which pisses me off and I've been doing everything I can to raise it (clearly...) but at times it can get so confusing. We've been learning all about the Federal reserve and how it controls the money supply using different tools, mainly open market operations and discount loans to banks. Having to try to figure out why the interest rates are the way they are and how it affects bank lending is SUPER interesting too! Not. God this class has been icky.

I had a quiz in managerial yesterday that I think I did reasonably well on. Terry was driving me nuts yesterday. I showed up wearing earplugs because I wanted to focus. He asked me why I was wearing them and I said that it keeps my ears warm when I'm biking (also true). "You know you can get earmuffs for that." Okkkkay Terry you're so smart.

Then he goes on to tell me how "high" I seemed. "You're so high... Oh my God your eyes are all bloodshot. How much did you smoke? Like four bowls?" Honestly I hadn't smoked any more than usual and my eyes were NOT bloodshot, but I was tired and didn't feel like talking or even making eye contact with him. I'd been studying for the test for the last two hours and felt a reasonably confident but Terry has a way of making me feel insecure and sick when taunts me before a test like he tends to do.

He says that he does this because he enjoys messing with me and I shouldn't take what he says so seriously. AND granted I do this to him a lot too but he's so full of himself that almost everything that I say is automatically shut down as invalid then he just goes on about my faults. Granted yes, Terry is athletic, attractive, smart, his family's rich, he can get with pretty much any girl he wants.. He was dealt a good card in life and hasn't had much to worry about. But he's not perfect and life eventually slaps everyone in the face.

.... I guess what I'm saying is I've come to realize he's become more of a burden than someone that helps me at this point. I know I'm going to be in his class next quarter in maybe even two  of my classes but I've decided to not sit by him this time if it comes to that. I'm going to sit in the front row (out of sight out of mind), probably have to deal with jealously that will come with the fact that he'll sit next to another girl. We will probably still text eachother our test scores which can keep some of that competitive aspect, but sitting by him has made it increasingly difficult to concentrate and I know I need to do this for my own sake....

This might help me also meet some new people in my classes. It's sucked not having a crush here for this long.



peace. 

Let's just be honest here.

Being back in your hometown with family is great for a little while but I'm really happy to be back in my own place in Ellensburg.

The ride here was scary as hell, there was heavy wind and rain the entire drive.. I found myself going 55-60 mph on average which made the drive pretty long. Luckily my brain felt super wired. Having decided to not gone out last night, I feel really rejuvenated when I got up today, even if I did sleep in quite a bit so I wasn't able to make time to practice like I'd planned. I spent most of the time before I left trying to locate and pack all of my stuff.

This weekend I did hang out a lot in my Mom's craft room (where my bedroom was originally located...) because being downstairs is never motivating to me and the living room is too noisy. Anyway I used some of my mom's clay to make this. I love how it turned out, honestly. Clay is an addictive and relaxing but TIME CONSUMING and expensive because as you get more ideas you  need more supplies. 

I'm hoping my mom eventually acquires such an abundance of the FIMO stuff (as my family tends to do, my Dad will end up finding a bag of them at a yardsale or a Goodwill) so I can jack some from her and it wouldn't be noticeable. My mom is on a roll with her projects though, and they look awesome!

Friday night I went to Jack Didley's with Sheridan who I hadn't seen in a pretty long time. The club was having an 18+ night with an open bar if you had ID. Sheridan and I had figured I'd be able to give her a couple swigs of mine when the bar tenders weren't looking but I'd underestimated the security measures preventing this. There was a fence up around the bar with a guy at the entry checking wrist bands. If Sheridan wanted a drink of a beer it'd have to be through a fence hole. She did try to get me to do it though, I was like "Yeah I don't want to get kicked out..." 

The place was slow last night.. so slow that it was around 11:20 pm and it still wasn't packed enough that people were dancing. My friend Jeremy had texted me asking to come out to Joker's because his cousin was DJing and he said it's a lot better but my friend wouldn't have been able to get in because it was 21 and over only. Next time I go back to the tri cities and want to shake my ass I'm going there instead. 

Anyway, regardless of the fact that not many people were around Sheridan did see a couple guys she knew that we ended up leaving with pretty shortly after to go to a party in Richland that she'd been hearing about. We drove back to Richland and this Mexican looking dude in a bandana walked out to our car and told us that the party just got shut down. We were right in this guy Colt's neighborhood so we went to their house. 

Neither of these guys drank or smoked or anything... At this point I had my fair share, having drank 3 coors lights that were on specials and a corona a guy bought me. It ended up being a fun night. Colton's 21, pretty tall and handsome enough, and works construction in Naches which is actually only about 20 minutes away from here. I doubt I'll see or hear from him again. But yeah I guess you can say I did do some partying this weekend as intended. Hanging out with Sheridan was pretty random but fun and I got a chance to see Mikey and Violet's new house. 

Violet made me a homemade McMuffin type sandwich yesterday morning. It was delicious and she's a great host. 

peace.