I saw a drag show!!

I ended up deleting a previous post that I made because I realized how silly it was. This tends to happen when I blog, I get really pissed off and distraut about something and just run with it. I don't think I'm going to talk about yesterday, for a number of reasons. One is that I'd like to keep it on the DL until further notice.

Photo taken from the Out and About page on facebook.

I went to a drag show!!

I'm pretty sure I mentioned this in my last post, but I didn't know if I was actually going to go. I'm glad I did, it was a hell of an experience in itself because I've never seen anything like that. First of all, just in case this crosses anyone's mind, a drag show is NOT a strip show. It's more of a fashion show with music, dancing, and overall just self expression for the men that do this. It's meant to be a performance.

I went with Drew and JJ, these two guys in the drama program at CBC that were asked to bring two friends each to the show. JJ is in the plays, and me and Drew were his two guests. They're both really sweet to me, good guys. I met them just recently this last quarter at CBC. JJ actually came and picked me up from Kennewick and then we drove all the way to 4th in Pasco. I should of given him gas money for all the driving.. I spaced it and I feel bad about it now. I'm sure he enjoyed my company enough for it not to matter that much.

I saw some of Brenna's friends that I met at her party a long time ago. The party that I met Berry. None of them actually hang out with Berry anymore (I've refered to Berry as Zach in this blog for the most part, but his friends all call him my his last name, Berry). I was really excited to talk to Brenna's friends because they're all really smart and cool to be around. I snagged the number of this one guy, John, who said he was going up to Western at the same time I was. I wasn't trying to hit up on him or anything, but I was super stoked just to meet someone that's gonna be up there. It was only about halfway through talking to them that I realized, oh sh*t this is Brenna's ex. o____o

A long time ago in Japanese class, we had to put a small object in a bag, then everyone in class would draw a different object and  ask eachother if the object belonged to them. Very typical language class exercise. I actually got a photograph that Brenna randomly threw in from the summer of this guy John. I only realized it was him when we started talking about Brenna and the subject was changed rather quickly. She's the only reason they know me at all, so I thought it would break the ice if I brought her up when I saw them. It's not like they don't like Brenna, but it's still an ex situation so it was sort of putting my foot in my mouth to bring it up.

Anyway!! More about the show itself...

Basically, the show consisted of about five or six men wearing extremely extravagent outfits (shoes, hair, whole bit) and dancing. They took tips, but used them more as a dance prop than anything. Like it's obvious they're not in it for the money. I feel they more incoorporate the tips to interact with the audience.

It's funny though, when I see drag queens or transgender men/women my mind usually draws a blank. It doesn't try to categorize by gender, it more or less just thinks "Transgender" instead of "man in makeup" or "woman trying to look like a man.." I'm happy that my parents have somehow raised me so that I accept all kinds of subcultures/sexualities. The only real problem with this is addressing as "he" or "she" when talking about them. You wonder how many of them do it because they enjoy dressing up and/or just want to perform or if they do really identify more with women. I'm sure it varies a lot from person to person, and I don't see anything wrong with it either way. Live and let live, if a transgender man wants to go through all the primping, makeup, and wear uncomfortable shoes like the more glamourous women do, then let them.

It should probably also be noted that not all transgender men are as extreme as drag queens.

For instance, my friend QueenJasmineTagaholi on youtube. She is a transgender woman because she was honestly born the way she is. She dresses very feminine though subtle, and doesn't really parade what she does to the world but more just wants to be accepted in the gender that she identifies with. She's not a performer or goes to the extremes that a Drag queen would.

I've been around a lot of gender bending because of the very liberal Spokane community with cosplaying ("crossplaying," which can get VERY confusing), so nothing really surprised me about the drag show. I mean I knew what to expect outfit wise but I didn't expect I'd actually have a good time. I expected it to be hella awkward... But it wasn't, it was just really fun, nice people. I noticed there were actually quite a few more actual women than men there. Maybe because we have more of an appreciation for extreme makeup?

Alrighty, I'm gonna get going.

peace.

Dying my own hair. Spring break prison, Wednesday....

Today I'm going to dye my own hair.

This should be interesting. I was considering making a youtube video of this but I really need to focus on what I'm doing so that probably isn't a good idea. I've never actually dyed my own hair, my mom always does it.

I'm going to use this instruction video.

I'm doing Clairol natural instincts in darkest brown. The box came with a free pantene color care shampoo, too! :) Just by looking in the box I'm already pretty intimidated. I can barely braid my hair let alone dye the whole thing. That and my hair is really long now... longer than it's been in a long time. My mom said she'd help me trim it today if she gets a chance.

The reason that I've let it grow this long is because I have a bit of a problem actually going to the salon. I used to go to this guy named Nathan at Wal Mart, and he did a great job, but he kept on telling me that my hair is SO damaged and I need to cut more and more off. He basically made it sound like my hair was a disgusting rats nest full of split ends and it's just beyond repair. That's when I DID start going in once a month for a trim, and my hair kept getting shorter and shorter because it couldn't grow fast enough to make up for all the trimming!!

I've seen hair MUCH more damaged than mine, and i'm going to start using argon oil to help protect it. I damage the hell out of my hair, but I use a lot of products (which I spend a LOT of money on) to protect it to the best of my ability. The reason I do it is because the only way I feel comfortable with my looks is when my hair is straightened and puts on this illusion like it's naturally that way. It's not.

My hair naturally fucking sucks!! It's so fucking ugly and wavy, and on top of it is a boring dingy ass light brown color. I had to deal with this complex all through childhood-- SO many insecurity issues probably could of been dealt with if my mom would of purchased a straightening iron earlier on. I don't know why we never thought of it. I remember when I was a kid, having my mom blowdry my hair every day... I was such a spoiled little shit, but I did it out of desperation because I thought I was ugly.

I'm just thankful that I'm born in a time when we do have straightening irons to continue this illusion. But it's extremely damaging to my hair.. I know that, I don't need to go to the salon and be lectured and talked down too. Haven't been to Nathan in months. Actually the last time I even got a hair trim was from that guy in the mall. It's been since about early fall I'd think.  

Today is another day of this misery that I thought was going to be Spring break. My intuition was originally telling me it's a good idea to stay home and get some rest and focus on improving at things before school starts up again, but now I just feel unmotivated to do anything because of lack of social interaction.

My Dad started yelling at me yesterday, saying "What the Hell, you're on spring break aren't you getting more work hours?!" I'd been off for two days, after working 20 hours this last weekend. He clearly doesn't know nearly how much I do work.

I have no guilt about my work schedule. I DO have guilt about being home doing absolutely nothing aside from guitar, reading, exercise, Sims, pot, and a little bit of studying for the last few days... Spring break really does suck ass, and always has. Summer is okay, but it tends to feel like this too. I am so thankful spring break is only one week instead of two.

Constant stress at school is much better than my brain feeling like it's melting at home. And Dad didn't want me to go to school this next quarter? HA! Like I'd be getting ANY more hours at work anyway. I'd go absolutely fucking nuts if I felt like this for the next three months. So essentially, when my dad pays for tuition he's not just paying for me to go to school, he's paying for me not to be home (which right now is like my prison).

I feel so stuck here. It's creeping me out. My car is back in working condition and everything, but there's still nothing to do, and really nobody to talk too.

I need to think of options....

-Samantha is in school, and there's really not much for us to do over here. I don't need to go into town and buy anything. She could come over here and we could take a walk or something, but it's sort of cold out so she might not want too. I'd rather not take any trips into town..

OH SHIT! I just remembered that drag queen show thing that I'm going too tonight. THAT should be interesting. It's already two, I should get my hair dyed.

peace.

To Admit to being jealous.

Jealousy is a bitch.

First let me say that I'm very rarely jealous of anyone. When it comes down to it, i'm actually pretty damn confident about my looks in a sense that I can pretty much initially attract most guys because of my huge eyes, physique, etc. But once I get to know them, one of us inevitably loses interest (and I admit, most of the time it's me). Or if I actually AM attracted to them, there's some other circumstance involved. A guy isn't *that* interested in all of me that isn't apparent on the surface. My interest in the Japanese language, maybe they don't like how my friends look, my STRONG personality (I admit, I'm stubborn as fuck).. Or the very worst circumstance, a guy has a girlfriend already, falls for me, but knows that his girlfriend is more likely to stick around than I am. This situation has happened only once, and I still feel terrible about it.. Main reason, though I don't know his girlfriend she seems pretty cool and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me.

This morning I was scrolling through the facebook wall and say a post made my Jay that said "the stuff I go through to be her man" or something like that. Immediately I was jealous of the fact that someone was oh so good enough to hook Jay, one of the few guys i've been really attracted too in the past year or so. I looked into who she is, and I'm pretty sure I found the right girl. Really nothing special, again. Certainly by main stream society's standards I'm prettier than she is. But she's obviously got *something* (or multiple somethings) that he wants. So I'm envious of whoever he's with right now. Jay is just ridiculously gorgeous, and I'm jealous. There you fucking go.

That's life though. You can't have everything you want.

I think I'm beautiful, now. I look in the mirror and see a girl who has been beaten and pushed down over and over by herself and allowed other people to do it too. I'm intelligent, I've managed to get through a lot of academic barriers that I didn't think I'd be able to do before. I think I have the ability to learn as many languages as I'm willing to take the time for. I think I have a great body, which I've worked so hard for and put so much restraint on myself to obtain. I'm artistic, logical, and now a bit musical if I keep working on it. I no longer take my history of emotions and depression as a determining factor on how I picture myself. I used to do this, thinking that it made me crazy and it made me hate myself.

Yet, there's still a part of me that lets things as petty as this get to me, and I hate it. I think it's silly that I'd even care what he's doing. It's not so much about Jay as it is that I'm a bit angry at myself for allowing myself to experience jealousy.

I've been trying to train myself to completely control my emotions. I will have sessions playing the guitar where I'll start to get really anxious because I want to do things perfectly. I'll try and catch myself and think, "Okay, what is it that i'm so anxious about? I'm just learning, and nobody's listening.." Usually this lets me relax. Writing helps me relax a lot too. After writing this, I no longer feel the pent up emotions from earlier.

I've been listening to Dream Theater this morning. It's almost 1' pm. Today is looking like yesterday, nothing to do really and nobody to talk too... I could always call someone but when I get in moods like this all I'm bound to do is bitch and whine if I'm talking to a girl. Don't get me wrong, I f*cking love talking to my girl friends, they're amazing and I love them, but I don't want to bitch and whine to them right now because it's such a downer. When they bitch to me, I'm always a listening ear, but sometimes I'll actually catch myself getting too into their stories and feeling THEIR emotions and frustrations myself.

Like, when *someone* was describing this girl Saebre and how crazy she is. I'm aware of how crazy she is from many sources to the point that I came up with an entire judgement of her before I met her. Many, many sources. She's like, the new infamous Jessica C. Huge drama starter, and a couple of my friends will rant to be about her. I also know that she posted she was pregnant with her boyfriend Chase, which who knows if it's true, she's claimed to be pregnant a bunch of times...The only difference really is that she's TALENTED. She's one of the best singers to come to ki-be, but everyone seems to hate her.

When I saw her at the gas station, I realized that I had made this immediate judgement of her because of what people have told me and that's a little sad. Now I'm wondering what she's actually like so I can know if she's actually crazy or if people are just jealous of how talented she is. I'll probably never know; i'm not going to go out of my way to talk to her.

What I'm saying is, I need to take what my friends tell me with a grain of salt and know that there's two sides to every story.

Ahh, Jimmy is here. Damn, I was going to try doing a knife hit today. I know that's really trashy, but I'd really like to just get blazed and zone out, forget about all the things that are troubling me today for no apparent reason.Not happening if anyone is here though because it's really stinky. I feel like lately I've been turning to this in most of my spare time at home, because there's been a lot of it since I got out for spring break... maybe I'll be burnt out (oh god, pun) by the time school starts so I won't be tempted to do it as much. The busier I am, the less I smoke, clearly.

I'm hoping Avery, Jimmy and Denae leave but Avery's got cramps so it's not likely.

Today my to-do list is:

-Bring my laundry down and do a load of laundry,

-Play guitar for two hours (I did this yesterday, woo!)

-Read up to page 200 of Memoirs of a Geisha.

-Build another family in my Woodland town on sims.

-Study Japanese for 30 min

Woah, this is just like yesterday.

peace.

Made a boring day at home pretty productive, again.

People wonder why I exercise every single day. That right there.

Monday is now almost over.

I didn't really do much of anything all day. Got up around 10, read about forty or so pages of Memoirs of a Geisha (and I'll probably read more tonight), played my guitar for an hour and made some progress on both Inis Mona and cleaning up Schism.

My confidence in Japanese right now is so bad.... Chris posted some comment in Japanese and I couldn't read it at all. I mean I could read some words but it was just like my brain looked at it like it was the biggest annoyance imaginable. Like the characters looked like seeing something just hideously confusing. I've just lost all confidence in it. It's almost annoying to me now. Ever since I did shitty on that test, disappointed myself, FAILED. You guys understand what I'm dealing with now if I mess up on a test. I just feel like I can't even do it at all anymore and have no interest in continuing.

Todays been such a lonely ass day. I really haven't talked to anyone... Haven't texted anyone, so I guess it's sort of my fault I haven't talked to anyone. I just usually get texted first by people. I'll go days where I'm talking to people constantly and going out constantly, fun fun fun... then I have days where it's like, wow, nothing is happening. Well, I have tomorrow and wednesday for whatever I want to do because I'm not working, then I work on Thursday, and work during the weekend of course, then it's back to the old grind again and I'm not looking forward to my last quarter at CBC very much.

You know me, I'll make the most of it. I'm just SO done with that place. SO ready to move on...

I didn't even post on facebook that I've technically got my AA now. Reason being, I'm still gonna be going to that stupid ass school again next quarter. Secondly, it's like, wow, who cares, you've been there for three years, took you long enough. I mean my sister is probably going to have her AA when she graduates and she's only going to be 18. Her grades aren't as good as mine though, she's not as freaked out about it as I am.

I can't believe that it's only taken a few days of not being around my friends to feel like absolute crap. If I didn't have pot I'd probably be having an emotional breakdown, it's so stupid. I wish I didn't feel this way. I just try to relax and take things as they come.

I know! I'll exercise. That makes me feel better, every time. Take off this damn makeup, pull my hair up, and exercise for a good hour, then I'll play guitar for a good hour (making two hours today), and go to sleep. I'll feel awesome after that, guarenteed. : )

peace.

How a couponers can steal money using returns, and all the other weird coorporate shit.

Someday, I'd like to get the chance to tell you how much I love you,

and how much I sincerely fucking hate you.

I don't know WHY you're playing these headgames with me and I wish you'd leave me alone forever.. yet at the same time I want to see you again more than anyone else.

Time will tell I guess.

Typical day at work.

Nothings changed since that HOUR AND A HALF long meeting last night. Okay, I need to rant about this. Jay had planned for there to be a mandatory meeting at 7:30 last night, so I spent practically all day not only working my morning shift from 7:45-3 to then spend hours trying to preoccupy myself at the library, in my mom's van reading, got some McDonalds... but also stay at this long ass meeting of Jay and the other ladies cracking jokes. It was hideous, it's a Saturday night, I wanted to go get ready to party. Or go home and smoke and play guitar. Something. NOT sitting in a Riteaid Warehouse.

The meeting should of lasted a half hour. Literally that's about as much material Jay needed to say, and how much he DID say. The women turned it into a party and went on and on and on about all these anecdotes of their crazy times working at Rite Aid. Granted, some of these stories were pretty entertaining to kill time before the meeting. But during the meeting I was like, oookay moving on guys. Idk, I guess the meeting was turned into more of a fun little social function for them because they brought chips and dip and stuff. Really though, I think the meeting was meant for us to be lectured about some things... or at least that was the appearance of some of our numbers in the boring excel sheets that were given. A record was displayed of some stupid stats from online rite aid surveys.

Okay, first of all, this is NOT an accurate representation of our store at all. Why? Because I'd say over half of our customers that come in on a regular basis and buy the storefront stuff (not including alcohol and cigarettes, we have regular buyers of those too but they rarely want to use their cards or anything) are older than 60. That being said, they're not going to have the computer prowess to use them and take the stupid surveys. Apparently the surveys used to be pretty good because they were done over the telephone. I just imagine some old person on their cord telephone rating their excellent service they recieved during their purchase of Colon-ade. But now, because telephone surveys are almost obsolete because the internet is cheaper, people aren't taking the time to take these surveys.

The ones that do are either doing it for coupons or to bitch, and I'm having a feeling there's more people bitching than anything. Because most people that bitch are welfare women in their early 30's that have nothing better to do but cut coupons and drag their loud ass kids around as they wave their FUCKING COUPONS in my face and tell me things aren't ringing up the right price!!

Ohh yes, because the register is ALWAYS wrong and the cashier is ALWAYS wrong and trying to make YOU spend more money. Let me just get a manager. Let me just get talked down to and lectured because I didn't type in your fucking coupon manually because it's takes too much damn time to read the fine print and locate your the stupid product you picked out. And that's another thing, do you REALLY need it!

Do you really need six bottles of Oil of Olay that you will try to return in a week and get a full refund.

I wonder how that would look from an accounting standpoint. Someone buying an expensive product with coupons, then returning it wanting a full refund of something they didn't originally buy.

I want to see if I can remember how to do this. This is really nerdy, but a good refresher.

3/12   Discounts/Coupons Expense          $44
          Cash                                                      $6
                     Sales                                                     $50
(person buys their bottles of oil of olay with coupons, only have to pay a few dollars for it after coupons are added in)
3/12    Cost of Goods Sold                          $22
                     Inventory                                            $22
(I'm assuming the markup is around there. I could be off, we didn't really learn about markups much and how that's decided)
3/22    Sales/Returns and Allowances     $50
                      Cash                                                           $50
(Person comes back and returns products... Most of the time they're still untouched in the box)
3/22     Inventory                                        $22
                       Cost of Goods Sold                              $22
(Assuming that what the person bought isn't already clearanced out...)

So in the long run, the company is basically paying this person $44 to take stuff out of the store then bring it back and get cash. It's a scam that usually couponers send their husbands to do the dirty work. They'll send their husbands with the products, and the guy will always say that he lost the receipt and that his wife just "didn't like it." I of course have to run the full return, give him a full refund for the product, and what cracks me up is that he probably has no idea this is happening.

This always happens with those damn promo bottles of Oil of Olay.

There are certain sanctions to keep people from doing this, like if you don't have a receipt you are prompted to give store credit. This is a pain in the ass though and most people get irritated that they can't just get cash back. Really, the only time this happens is when some customer comes back complaining about a product that is broken (or... partially used), bought a LONG time ago, AND on top of it they don't have their reciept.

This is the kind of stuff I do on a daily basis at work.

Felt like ranting.

peace.

Why I Buy Mac.

Scratch the road trip idea. Today I spent the money on a bunch of stuff that I actually needed.

Mac Studio Sculpt Foundation

Today I think I spent a total of about $110, considering that I just went into town to buy Mac Studio Sculpt with Michael. Beauty IS important, so why not spend money on it? buy the best products your money can get you (without going overboard). Because think about it, you're putting that stuff on your face. Every single day. You're trusting that makeup on your skin, trusting that it's not going to make your skin break out or feel oily and gross. You want to look and feel beautiful, yet natural-- as if it accentuates what you want people to see rather than covers up what you don't want people to see. At least that's the way I'd like to look at it. But yeah, acne and redspots are no bueno and you should try to cover them.

Mac Careblend Powder (photo from dailycookie.net, sorry no I didn't take a picture of what I bought today.. much to busy with other things)



Bought Mac Studio Sculpt foundation, SPF15. The stuff is $30 and lasts three months! Literally, my last bottle was from Christmas. I'm hoping I have this kind of luck with the powder the girl there convinced me to try. It's called studio careblend. It's designed to be both lightweight but also set the foundation so that it lasts longer throughout the day. The careblend powder was $24, a lot cheaper.

The reason why I never bought professional powder is because I thought the department store brand worked just right for me, and holded out enough hours to look decent in the most important parts of my day. Typically I'd touch up a little if I happened to have my makeup with me, but not much else. Anyway, I decided to make a splurge on some GOOD powder, regardless of the probability of this making me spoiled and unable to use any other kind of powder.

I am completely OVER using any Maybelline products. That stuff is JUNK, it makes my face feel greasy and gross. That Dream Matte stuff? Looks great when you first put it on, leaves your face a oily mess in 4 hours or so. And Mac isn't even that much more expensive. Definitely worth it.

I also picked up my It's a 10 leave-in product. Did you know the stuff is $17 now? The price of that has creeped up! I just need to hope and pray it's because a lot of people are buying it. Reason being, I want them to keep making it! It's the reason my hair has gotten to this length without looking completely ragged.

I'm happy I found the right products that have been consistently good to me.

Anyway, to wrap this up, Michael and I had an excellent time in town together. We shopped around a lot, enjoyed eachothers company. I drank a coffee AND a skinny orange julius. Both were delicious. Didn't really eat anything until I got home though. Nothing outside the house seems too appealing lately. I've been eating pretty healthy here and cooking myself some pretty good dishes so I haven't felt a need to go out to eat much. I hope this isn't short lived. Good for my wallet and my body not to eat out.

God, that reminds me, SO bad. There was a girl sitting next to me in Starbucks today that was wearing yoga pants, walking shoes, headphones, etc. Clearly a mall walker person. She's got this frilly ass starbucks drinks with all the fixens, their soup which is rich as hell, and two paninis. That is quite a high calorie, fast food meal even if it's on a pretty plate. Sigh. It makes me sound like a complete bitch commenting anything on what someone is eating. It has nothing to do with her weight or anything, it has to do with a very counter-productive choice. If you're going to work out at the mall, don't make a stop at the damn cinnabonn.

All this talk of coffee makes me want some. Nope, gonna go to bed at a decent time because I've got work tomorrow. Nothing interesting going on tonight. Haven't talked to Connor at all this week. Completely cut things off with Alex, finally. So just flying solo, as always. Four more months baby.

peace.

Making little traveling plans...

Right now I'm sitting at Robert's house with Skyler in Robert's living room.

This has been pretty fun, it's always nice catching up with Robert. I played a couple things that I've learned with him, but not Skyler. Tool's songs are just so fudging long that it's hard to play it for anyone without feeling like it's show-y. The songs that I play are nothing like Metallica though, way more basic and slower paced. Some of the timing is a little tricky, but nothing too demanding like some of the Metallica is.

I took that random dog picture from Robert's computer. I do that every time I'm using somebody else's computer to write a blog. 

Wow, Skyler's playing is pretty incredible. They're a huge inspiration for me to keep playing. They clearly have been working their asses off at it for months on end. I've been going for uhmmmm.... 3 months now? Just gotta keep practicing I guess.

Right now my car is in the shop so I'm gonna be stuck here for a little while.. the shop meaning some random guy's garage that my dad knows. Apparently he's going to repair a bunch of stuff that will make my car as good as new. My dad is also paying off the car completely so that it's 100% mine. In my amateur accounting language no longer a payable, it's equipment, an asset to ME! But the depreciation on this equipment makes it valued far lower than what I've paid for it. lol, don't think I'm taking myself seriously good Lord. That's what I hate about accounting, there's so much jargon.

I'm about ready to go home. I can already tell where this is going. 

So now that finals are over, I'm on Spring break!

What am I going to do this whole time? I have no clue at all. Probably play a lot of guitar, smoke a lot of bud, play sims, hang out with friends... what I'd usually do on the weekends. I hope it doesn't fly by too quickly, I could use a good break from school. I got pretty burnt out there for a minute. All I would need to see is my grade GPA from the previous quarter to want to keep going, but sometimes it's really hard to push forward when all I want to do is....

That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I'm soo bored at school and with the school routine, yet I'm also sooo bored with my at home routine. Bored, but comfortable. Also comfortable with my lame work hours. Comfortable with getting up early practically every morning. Like me and Robert started our day off really early. I realized that I had to pay for Spring tuition so I texted Robert about it (who I thought was coming over)and he realized he hadn't paid it either. We were at the school at about 10 this morning and now here it is only 12' pm. I sort of like this morning routine, I get a lot more done.

Maybe I just need a change of scenery. Yeah, I need to get out and take a trip. I know Connor likes road trips, and I'd be down to spend a little money to go spend a day in Seattle. Walking around, maybe shop at Uwajimaya with my Japanese prowess, yeah that would be really fun. I mean it's not like I'm working every single day during spring break, and once my car gets prepared I'm going to be good to go. The only problem is that I don't know if Connor would necessarily have the money for it. That and I don't know if he'd want to go. We had a lot of fun last weekend but it's still a touchy situation. And it's not that I really have strong feelings for him again, I just like spending time with him and he'd be fun to travel with. Like he'd make it an adventure.

So it's decided! This spring break, at some point, I'd like to take a little road trip and maybe even do a little clothes shopping or something. I'll have to make this trip semi-purposeful. What's something that I need... well, nothing really. Just to get out.

peace.

emily

How could I be THIS stupid?

Well, probably the most disappointing thing in months just happened to me.

As my friends (well, anyone who knows me at all) know, I'm an extreme perfectionist. Extreme. I have a compulsive OCD that makes me study for hours on end and write every little fucking detail down so that I don't forget anything. Well, obviously I've let my work slip to the point that I forgot to write down the time of my Japanese final. I ended up showing up to the test late and almost having a panic attack when I forgot half the grammar. the sad thing is, if I had only gotten a chance to look at the study guide, even for a couple minutes before the final I would of undoubtably aced it.

I don't even want sensee to see the damn thing. It's atrocious proof of the fact that I need to work harder, I need to stop smoking so much pot because it's probably effecting my memory, and I need to stop having so much fun because it's distracting me from my studies.

That being said, I'm going to tie the rope around my neck a little tighter. This next quarter I need to study more hours, not smoke so much weed (especially on the weekdays), probably do a better job writing things down... It's just hard even writing this because I feel like this quarter I really did do my absolute best and didn't slack or procrastinate better than I ever have.

I don't know, it just comes down to the fact that I made a mistake, and all I can do is wait for the grades to come out to see if I maintained a 4.0. Sensee knows how much this means to me, how hard I work, and that I've never been good at writing kanji compounds..

There's really nothing to say on here that will make me feel any better about this situation aside from the fact that I'm happy I didn't completely MISS the exam. That and my finals are now over and now all I can do is wait in anxiousness for my grades to come out. Maybe my mom will make me feel better if I call her.

peace.

Goodbye, Visual Basic!

I'm so fudging happy to be done with my Visual basic exam.

It wasn't hard at all. Actually, I barely prepared for it. Just made some book tabs and wrote where to find everything that I needed from the study guide. Okay, maybe I did a little preparation, but nothing that took longer than 30 minutes. I know that I aced it though.

There's the prettiest guy ever that I just saw in the library, haha.

I just scored $60 from book buyback. I'm thinking I'm gonna go buy some tilapia. I get paid on Thursday so I'd be buying it then anyway, and I've got a long break coming up. Yeah if anything it'll save me the drive.

I'm getting nervous that my Japanese final might be today. I thought it was tomorrow but someone just posted that a group from my class are studying together, I should probably go double check. Fuck I hope it's not today. Today I want to go home and play guitar.

Alrighty gonna get going and get this straightened out just in case.

peace.

Impulse purchases are hard to shake at times.

Ahh, Friday night. My day off is coming to a close. It's 8:23 pm.
What's on the menu?

1. Load vape.

2. Exercise for 1 hour (8:45-9:45pm)

3. Guitar for 1 hour. (10 pm-11 pm)

4. Not do Visual basic homework.

Reason being, I'm waiting until Sunday. I feel like I've worked hard enough this week that I've earned a little bit of leeway this weekend. Soo I intend to study hard Sunday after work. Maybe I'll squeeze in an hour or two of programming between work tomorrow and Sam's party. Yeah, I've decided to go to the St. Patricks day party thing. I know it could potentially be really coupley and uncomfortable but *maybe* if I am subtle about it I could invite Connor to go. Like, as friends.

The reason why I just don't call Connor about it now is because he just got out of a relationship and I need to approach our friendship carefully to make it not seem like I'm trying to pursue a relationship of any kind with him. Because I'm not. I don't want a relationship, I'm moving in four months... however, spending time with him would be really entertaining and it'd be nice to have him to come along to Shawn's party thing. I don't think I'll invite him though because it could send the wrong message. I've gotta give it space, especially considering that we did date.

I'm waiting for Katharine to get to my house currently. They're going to come pick up Katharine's flats that she left here. We hung out today, worked at the estate sale... It went pretty smoothly, and we made a decent amount of money. The entire situation is weird though, and the house is atrociously icky with really lame stuff. My parents don't think they're going to do this for another day. I feel bad that I promissed someone that we'd be openning up at 1', but if they still want that couch or whatever it was, they can talk to the bank about it... My parents have put WAY too much work into it.

Alright well I'm gonna start my little routine thing I guess. Well, this isn't a nightly routine but it's what I like to do lately. Things've gotten quite slow. I put $40 of the $60 that I earned from the estate sale back into the bank and I have a balance of $943 now. That's pretty good. Granted, I'll have to spend probably $30 in gasoline before my next paycheck.. But still, saving is going well for this week! I just need to try not to go crazy and buy stuff I don't need this week.

I did buy a nice pair of yoga capris today at value village. Me and Katharine went after we went out to sushi. We haven't seen eachother in quite awhile so it was nice to catch up for the afternoon. Katharine found some good yoga pants too that fit really well. She even admits though that the point of thrift store shopping has sort of depleated when everything is so expensive. Like, I found a used wig that I thought would be fun to cut and dye as a cosplay wig. This would be an easy purchase, except for the fact that it was $7. For some freaking used hair that's BROWN and the same length as mine. So I passed it up. I'll probably kick myself for this later when I'm trying to come up with a good cosplay. But you know, I'll cross that bridge when it comes. Kuro Neko is so close to when I'm moving out, it might not even be in the cards this year.

peace.

I remember some of the frustrations of last year's con that makes me wonder if I'd even want to go to one again. By that time who knows if Shawn will have a job. That and I'm sure Sam and him will just be moving in together and will be paying for all kinds of living expenses that weren't there this time last year. Yeah, best cross that bridge when it comes....

最善を尽くしてください! Please try your best.

I posted the title of this blog to Katharine's status saying she's taking her LAST Spanish final. I'm pretty freaking proud of her, she's gonna be graduating from Central at the same time I'm graduating from CBC. I hope we'll be able to attend eachother's graduations. They're going to be painfully long I'm sure but I'm still really excited!

So second day of the hardest week ever. I'm sitting in the library again and I plan on studying accounting for an hour, probably work on the Visual basic final practice, and write a letter of recommendation for Samantha.

Sam sent me a text earlier freaking out about not having one, so I figure why the Hell not it'll only take me a half an hour or so to complete. Not that I don't already have enough on my plate as it is, but maybe it'll deliver some good karma. : )

This weekend is going to be really hectic with the estate sale and everything, but I'm excited for it to be the weekend so my Japanese oral exam and my accounting test will be OVER! The chapter test got moved to Thursday, so I made sure to get my Japanese oral exam moved to Wednesday so I can spend a few more hours tomorrow getting this bank reconciliation crap straight. I'm going to talk to my Dad about it tonight, maybe he can shed some light on it. I really should be going to the tutoring center, but the time that Dwight is there is really inconvient for me. I like to spend that hour between Japanese and Visual basic for studying Japanese and relaxing my mind...

Today was the last regular class day of Japanese V. I can't believe it, another class under my belt. I'm pretty proud of my Japanese speaking and writing skills, but having the initiative to take another quarter of this is going to be hard. I just need to remember that once I get out of CBC, I'll have all of the introductory Japanese done. Only way to do that is to take it again in the Spring. Geoff Webber is going to be my partner next quarter, hopefully. He works very hard and he's extremely goal oriented with it, so I know I can rely on him to actually try during speaking activities.

Today during class me and Hannah really utilized the time sensee gave us to work on the material for oral exams, but it was so loud I could barely hear her. Taylor is just so loud, and he tends to make those other guys louder.

Yesterday I worked on Schism for like an hour. I still haven't gotten much of an opportunity to work on Blue yet. It's got the same tuning System of a Down uses. C# tuning, it's really low. I want to focus on getting Schism down for now before I start something new.

Alrighty well, I think I've rambled on enough. I'm excited to see what the rest of this week holds. probably a lot more stress but I'm keeping up with it. This weekend should be really busy with the estate sale, Katharine's coming back into town, work, and I'm sure either Jessika or Connor will want to hang out with me at some point.

peace.

Man, has it really been six days since I've last written?

Guess you could say things've been going good, then. I've been meaning to write but I've been so busy that I don't even know where to start really. I'm officially in week 11 of winter quarter which really means I'm coming down to the end. Still struggling with this procrastination problem but I discovered a way to get me inspired to work that allowed me a couple hours of patience last night. Still struggling with the last couple chapters in accounting, but I'm working on it.... This wednesday I have a big test that dictates whether or not I have to take the final, so obviously it's very important. I really, really don't want to have to take the final-- especially when it's next THURSDAY which means I'll be stressed out about it nearly all week. No. No. Just no. That being said, tonight and tomorrow I'm gonna make sure to get a good amount of studying done for that test.

This is literally what code in visual basic looks like, and we're expected to write this and understand what each part of the code is doing. Luckily Wolf is nice and realizes a lot of us are just taking the class to graduate, so she doesn't make the tests/quizzes too hard.

Right now I'm in the library, so I'm gonna start working on my visual basic projects. I don't really know how far I'll get. To be honest I've really checked out mentally in that class so it's hard to get any work done. I just hate the material and it seems to pointless to me. That and my know it all classmates make me cringe.

My mom doesn't read my blog, so I might as well write about this here...

I met up with Connor this last weekend. Yes, the Connor. I really never thought I'd see him again, but he suddenly contacted me on facebook so I figured why not. When we got together (not in a sexual way, mind you...) we clicked really well again. It's weird, when we talk it's just so effortless and it turns out we know a ton of the same people. He hasn't changed that much, he's still a big ego driven, stubborn asshole but at the same time he's really sweet and easy to get along with. He's become a really talented singer, which he showed off when I was there. Seriously though, he's very good... He's a lot more talkative than he was back when we were dating, and he brags a lot. It's funny, seeing him was sort of like the equivalent of a ten year highschool reunion, tons of gloating. I did a bit of this myself. Talked about breaking a record in tennis for most consecutive wins, talked about my awesome GPA, how I'm almost done with my AA... but that was pretty much it. He's got a list a mile long of all the shit he's done since we've last seen eachother-- some of it I would of rather not heard. Something tells me the gloating will stop though if he continue to hang out, he was probably just trying to impress me or something, which is understandable.

i'm gonna try to dig up a picture on photobucket of what we USED to look like on my old photobucket account...

hahahaha, that is fucking precious. We were sixteen.

I don't have a picture of him that's recent, but he pretty much looks the same aside from having these crazy dreadlocks that he's working on. In his facebook picture he's got this crazy long hair that's about the length of mine but now it's just completely destroyed because he's doing dreads naturally. It'll probably look neat enough when it's done, but right now it made me cring.

My mom would probably kill me if she knew I was hanging out with him again, which is why I'm keeping it quiet. I'm not sure if we'll actually hang out again. We had a really good time when we did this weekend, but you know how things  go. If anything it was just interesting to catch up and see what eachother have been up too. We smoked and talked for hours at his place. He's still the same pothead, but he's less of a punk than he was when we were that age. His mom still makes really incredible food. I thought it'd be a lot more awkward to see her but it wasn't. The whole situation was pretty comfortable.

 Apparently Connor just got out of an on and off relationship that lasted three years. He was pretty surprised when I told him I've only been in one "relationship" in a couple years. I was also honest with him when I briefly mentioned by merry-go-round of bullshit that I've been through with men. Luckily he didn't expect me to expand much on it, and went on to talk about his own problems.

So yeah, me and Connor no longer have any beef with eachother. Time has a tendency to do that.

Well, better get going. Got a lot of work to do. It's already 2:00, I'd like to be out of here by 4'. Spring daylight savings time makes me feel like I'm even more behind all the time.

peace.

Ohh, and this week I'm learning Blue by A Perfect Circle on guitar. Me and Mitch played Schism yesterday, but I still have a lot of work to do.

ヨガぱんつ。YOGA PANTSU!!!

I really do love spring. The weather is starting to turn around, it was just lightly cold and windy today but it's getting a lot warmer.

I wore a tank top today and didn't completely freeze my ass off.Why no jacket? Because the one I originally put on this morning was pissing me off so badly with it's too short sleeves that I refused to wear it. I hate it when my wrists are exposed after a jacket shrinks. This jacket came in with some yoga pants that I got this christmas that I don't particularily like either. The colors are design are perfect, but the inner material is more cotton than spandex making it sort of adhesive when you wear it to exercise and you start to sweat. For working out I typically just wear short shorts and tank top, but getting more activewear like spandex yoga pants would be nice.  I considered getting some at target today but they were too expensive.

I did however pick up some really cool $1 Elf brushes. These were obviously super CHEAP but they don't seem much different than say, brushes that you'd buy for $5.99 in a different section. We'll see how well they work. I had just HAD it with trying to make my eye makeup look good with my finger or some random little funky eyeshadow brush that came with some Wet and Wild pallet.

Last night me and Mitch hung out, smoked good bud that he supplied, and played guitar together for a couple hours. It was super relaxing and enjoyable. He was totally stoked by the fact that I could actually play some tool, and we decided we'd start playing together more often. By the end of the week I told him I'd know The Pot, but I decided to change my mind and go with Schism. The reason is that Mitch plays The Pot like a total champ and it sounds *perfectly* but the way he plays it is totally different than the tab I'm using. Trying to learn how he does it directly from him doesn't work for me, I have to read the tabs over and over again to learn to play things.. He seemed more impressed with Schisms tabs, and he said the song was semi-easy.

This sunday we should be hanging out again. Lindy came by yesterday and we took a walk back to Mitch's house. He moved in with his mom over by the Conoco, so it was a decent sized walk. Lindy showed up sort of late so it was pitch black and a little chilly out when we started walking. I always get sort of paranoid when I walk at night, especially when it's just me and Lindy. For some reason I'm completely comfortable walking with Katelynn at night, but with Lindy I feel more vulnerable.

I bought a yoga mat at Target today and I plan on using it for a little while before starting a mountain of accounting homework. I've got a Japanese vocab quiz tomorrow, too, but I started studying those earlier for once and I'll feel confident if I study the English-Japanese flash cards for an hour or so.

Alrighty well, later guys! Not much else going on.

peace.

Tea in hand, I sit here rambling until I feel sane.

I worked for ten hours today.... Eight at Rite Aid, then two at this really lame estate sale that my Dad is working. I really didn't have enough patience to go there today, which I should of expected. My Dad yelled at me about practically everything.

I found some dishes that I'll probably need when I leave, and I set them in a box in the living room. Note that there was already a ton of junk in the living room... Anyway, my dad saw the pans sitting in short open box in the living room, and yelled at me for having it sitting there. I then moved the pans to a plastic tote and placed it by my mom's van in case I wanted to bring anything else out there. My Dad saw this tote as I was hauling in some card tables and started yelling at me that it didn't have a lid on it. So, go and get a lid, put it in my mom's van. He then yelled at me for using the unfilled tote. I'm not going to fill that tote up with junk! I only needed the few pans and the cutting board. Ugh.

Soo after I brought the tables in, I decided to leave. This was the first real work I'd done since i'd gotten there. I asked my mom what I should do and she didn't really have an answer because she was bullshitting with the neighbor and forcing conversation while smoking to cigarette to calm down. She always acts like she's hiding it when me or Avery comes around. I really don't give a rats if she smokes. She works so hard, I can see why she's stressed out. It just makes women look so gross though. But whatever, it's her life, her body.

But yeah, it was just pretty much a big yelling fest. My sister, Denae and my mom were listening to atrocious 99.1 music. I just hate all of it.... all of the upbeat singles that are on the radio right now sound the same. I wish I could post an example but it would require me to google song titles. I'm just too lazy right now..

Can't really say there's anything fun going on with me this weekend. Second weekend in a row I haven't really done anything particularily fun. That's okay though, it's expensive to have fun.... well, with other people anyway. I think tonight I'll just be doing what I like to do. Workout videos, get blazed, play guitar. Seems that's what I do with most of my extra time lately. That's okay though, I consider it quite productive. Better than spending the night browsing youtube or something.

So I bought a box of bronkaid today, and even had one of the pharmacists set another box aside for payday on thursday. The pharmacist told me they'll be taking it off the shelves, and I wouldn't doubt it. Better buy out what I can now and try to use it only on days when I really need it... Nice to actually get some today though. It's sort of a relief to know that I didn't go through any withdrawel symptoms aside from a little lathargy when I suddenly stopped taking it. That being said, if they do take it off the shelves, I won't be too bent up about it. It's a stimulant, but I've got a lot of caffiene to get me through. At least THAT will never go off the shelves.

Me and Alex have pretty much just stopped talking for the most part. I'm bored, he never has anything to say... Sex and physical attraction only goes so far. So I guess that was my first fall through of 2012. I don't consider Alex to be a mistake though, I mean it was sort of nice pretending like we were close for a little while. That and I needed to spend some time with a successful, presentable guy for awhile. Haven't had one of those have any interest in me for a long time. I mean this guy really has his shit together, he has a job, he's cute, nice house, nice body, classy, drives a motorcycle (which is usually a huge bonus for me). But I just don't feel it.. Maybe because when we talk he never really gives anything to the conversation? He just sort of agrees or says one sentence. He'll ask me how I'm doing, and I'll tell him a story or something and he'll just say "huh." ....yeah.

So yeah, efforts were futile. Again. But it's for the best, if it's not going anywhere why bother you know? I can tell he doesn't really give a damn either way.

I'm not currently interested in anyone else. Sometimes I'll think of Jay like he's some fictional fucking character. Like I'll just randomly think of him out of the blue, and my mind shuts it out and I feel guilty for even thinking of him because he clearly doesn't have interest that way. I mean yeah, we made out one night, laid together in my car for a couple hours and sort of had a moment a couple weeks back. But there's NO reason that I should believe it meant anything or should have any sort of feelings for him now. I almost feel mad at myself for even thinking of him at all.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't been lonely or anything at all. In fact I've been very happily numb. Here's a scheme of how everything's going (I feel like writing a lot today to calm down..), in the form of a progress report! haha

短大
School

School is going fantastic because i'm getting A's in everything I'm doing. I study for hours every day, I've been paying attention really well, yadda ya. I think I talked about this in my last entry. The point still stands though that school is very enjoyable right now with the classes that I'm taking and the people in them. My professors are ALL badass this quarter. I just love Key, he's hilarious and a fantastic teacher. I'm sad he's not teaching Accounting 202 now that I've got his system down, but a change of environment and learning from a female professor might be a good thing. I typically try to get male teachers (especially in a subject like this where getting straight to the point is important), but Wend is my only option either way. The accounting tutor said she's really good, so I'm actually looking forward to next quarter too.

運動

Exercise/Body Image

This is going well enough. I have a tendency to get the munchies when I smoke, so I have to be aware of the snacking and such. For the most part though when I'm completely sober I'm either running around at work or at school where I really don't have any food with me nor so I have any money for the vending machines. So I'm sure the food thing balances out. I am still eating a lot of whole foods. Lots and lots of bread, steamed veggies, beans, soups... I do however love chocolate, and find myself indulging in it a little too much if I'm not cautious.

I've been working out a lot because I discovered workout videos on youtube. It sounds weird but it is SO FUN to do foriegn workout vids. And I mean from all over the world, you're probably assuming I mean Japanese. Actually, a lot of the vids I've been doing are from Europe. I do a lot of standard American workout vids too. I also enjoy doing some of those hilarious high energy 80's workouts too. They're funny as Hell and a lot of them are a very good workout.

Confidence

I've been very self confident lately. Well, have been since this new year started. It's really given me a new beginning to start making better choices with who I associate myself with and spend my time productively. This new year has also allowed me to put a lot of old things behind me. I've had a lot of closure with people (particularily guys) that I've had past encounters with that ended badly at one time or another. Not having that hanging over my head is very settling.

Acne is rarely a problem anymore because of Differin. That stuff is a miracle and I'm pretty sure I have unlimited refills as long as I'm willing to spend the money on it. It's not like it's taken orally, it's a very expensive face cream... I'm happy I haven't had to go have follow ups with dermatologists. I think a lot of the acne has gone away because of age and my more productive lifestyle. I very rarely stay up past 1 am anymore, because I know that when I do I'm setting myself up to be exausted the next day and it makes whatever I'm doing that late unappealing.

Guitar

Still going very well. I recently learned how to set it on Songsterr so that I can play with just the bass and drumline, thus I really hear myself. At first, that was sort of hard because when I play along with a recording you can't really hear your mistakes too blatantly and you just keep playing... when you're playing as the main guitar part you can REALLY hear how crappy it sounds when you make a mistake. Soo now, I'm going to try to make it a part of my playing sessions to play *without* any kind of support like the main song itself or the Songsterr MIDI guitar part playing. This should improve my tone a lot. I am still gonna play with the main songs though, it's such a cool feeling to play along with my favorite songs.

That reminds me that I still haven't gotten the System of a Down tattoo yet. I've sort of lost interest in getting one. People take tattoos so lightly. It makes me scared thinking of something perminantly being on my body, yet at the same time I used to give myself scars diliberately so this shouldn't phase me too much, haha.

i give this a B+ because though I've been consistantly spending a lot of time doing this, I still feel like I don't have much to show for it. Just six or so songs that I know all the way through perfectly-- well, near perfectly. That's way more than I've ever been able to do, but I want moreeeee.

Friends

This aspect of my life has sort of gone downhill a little bit, but this is probably my fault. I just haven't been spending much time with friends lately.. Haven't seen Lindy in weeks, nor have we texted eachother. I briefly talked to Katelynn yesterday and I imagine we'll spend a little time tomorrow if I'm not too damn exausted after another eight hour shift. Heather I just pretty much gave up with.. if she wants to talk to me again then I'll be 100% down to spend time with her, but we've just flaked on eachother so many times now....

Talked to Katharine for a little while the other day, that was nice to catch up for a little while. We very rarely talk anymore, but I feel comfortable in the fact that we're at an agreement that we're both just fudging busy all the time and that we both know that we care about eachother. It's like that with Katelynn too. I love them both dearly, but we're all very very busy.  

I actually spend the most time with Samantha. I see her about once a week and saw her for a few hours over at Shawn's yesterday. I enjoy the environment at Shawn's house, it's very laid back and relaxing. I just sit and play Nathan's guitar and bullshit with Shawn and whoever else is around the whole time. Samantha obviously enjoys going out there too and likes having a ride, so it's a win-win.

I see Robert like, everywhere, but we never really hang out together anymore. I feel like he thinks of me as an obligation, like ohh man I better hang out with Emily because we haven't hung out in a long time. Instead of yeah, I *want* to go hang out with her. The reason that I say this is because he's really loving his new relationship right now and he's very wrapped up in that, which is awesome. I'm totally happy he's dating Chelsea. He liked her for a LONG time, and it's nice to see someone get who they wanted to be with. Things are just awkward with me and Robert now because we don't really know what to say anymore until we get together and BS one on one. Like if we see eachother randomly at the store (Fred meyers where he works), it's sooo awkward. Today it was awkward too, I was taking out the trash and saw him and Chelsea walking down the road and I said hi. Robert asked what hours I'm working, I was like... uhhh... hahaha. xD It was so awkward and pointless, it was hilarious.

If my life was a report card, I'd be sitting pretty good. Still feeling a little anxious and lonely at times, but it's only when I'm at home, which is rare.

peace.

Nerdy evening.

I think I'm going to stop counting, because obviously I don't write on a daily basis and it sort of defeats the purpose. I'm still going to play every day though. : 3

Right now I'm at Shawn's house with Samantha. I brought her here and we've just been sitting around since I got here. I played guitar for a couple hours, and now Nathan is making some parmesan cheese chicken and listening to some music. He likes to sing a lot.. Karel is here too, and she's sitting on the couch asking questions about what Samantha and Shawn are watching and have been for a half hour or so. They're watching Breaking Bad. I like the show but I never get particularly hooked.

Samantha wants to cuddle but Shawn wants to be able to see the TV. Understandable, but why wouldn't he want to cuddle with her? If I was him I'd rather be cuddling then sitting with distance between them. Cuddling is great. Ha ha, I recently saw this thing on Chelsea Lately called cuddle parties.

http://www.cuddleparty.com/

Look at that if you get a chance, it's so funny. I like to cuddle, but typically only with a guy that I'm attracted too.

Samantha drew this, I thought I'd add it to this entry to add a little pop of color. 

Just got some food. Good lord, this is good. A little heavy and buttery for my taste, but delicious regardless. It's quite couple-y here, but in a good way, like there's enough people here that it's not third-wheelish.

My phone is back on, and I've yet to receive any text messages that I'm expecting. Actually, I'm only expecting one from Dave Brown. If I get a text from him that says that I got my old texts from when my phone was shut off. I don't think anything is really going on tonight or this weekend aside from what I'm doing right now. I think I'm gonna head home soon. I've played a bunch of guitar today and even studied some accounting. I really need to work out for at least an hour before I go to bed tonight. So that's my plan, go home and exercise. 

Another one of Sam's lovely pictures. Just thought I'd share.

Lol, Nathan is ranting about Cody, it's so funny. I'm gonna get going. Nathan can be so funny. 

peace.