Dying my own hair. Spring break prison, Wednesday....

Today I'm going to dye my own hair.

This should be interesting. I was considering making a youtube video of this but I really need to focus on what I'm doing so that probably isn't a good idea. I've never actually dyed my own hair, my mom always does it.

I'm going to use this instruction video.

I'm doing Clairol natural instincts in darkest brown. The box came with a free pantene color care shampoo, too! :) Just by looking in the box I'm already pretty intimidated. I can barely braid my hair let alone dye the whole thing. That and my hair is really long now... longer than it's been in a long time. My mom said she'd help me trim it today if she gets a chance.

The reason that I've let it grow this long is because I have a bit of a problem actually going to the salon. I used to go to this guy named Nathan at Wal Mart, and he did a great job, but he kept on telling me that my hair is SO damaged and I need to cut more and more off. He basically made it sound like my hair was a disgusting rats nest full of split ends and it's just beyond repair. That's when I DID start going in once a month for a trim, and my hair kept getting shorter and shorter because it couldn't grow fast enough to make up for all the trimming!!

I've seen hair MUCH more damaged than mine, and i'm going to start using argon oil to help protect it. I damage the hell out of my hair, but I use a lot of products (which I spend a LOT of money on) to protect it to the best of my ability. The reason I do it is because the only way I feel comfortable with my looks is when my hair is straightened and puts on this illusion like it's naturally that way. It's not.

My hair naturally fucking sucks!! It's so fucking ugly and wavy, and on top of it is a boring dingy ass light brown color. I had to deal with this complex all through childhood-- SO many insecurity issues probably could of been dealt with if my mom would of purchased a straightening iron earlier on. I don't know why we never thought of it. I remember when I was a kid, having my mom blowdry my hair every day... I was such a spoiled little shit, but I did it out of desperation because I thought I was ugly.

I'm just thankful that I'm born in a time when we do have straightening irons to continue this illusion. But it's extremely damaging to my hair.. I know that, I don't need to go to the salon and be lectured and talked down too. Haven't been to Nathan in months. Actually the last time I even got a hair trim was from that guy in the mall. It's been since about early fall I'd think.  

Today is another day of this misery that I thought was going to be Spring break. My intuition was originally telling me it's a good idea to stay home and get some rest and focus on improving at things before school starts up again, but now I just feel unmotivated to do anything because of lack of social interaction.

My Dad started yelling at me yesterday, saying "What the Hell, you're on spring break aren't you getting more work hours?!" I'd been off for two days, after working 20 hours this last weekend. He clearly doesn't know nearly how much I do work.

I have no guilt about my work schedule. I DO have guilt about being home doing absolutely nothing aside from guitar, reading, exercise, Sims, pot, and a little bit of studying for the last few days... Spring break really does suck ass, and always has. Summer is okay, but it tends to feel like this too. I am so thankful spring break is only one week instead of two.

Constant stress at school is much better than my brain feeling like it's melting at home. And Dad didn't want me to go to school this next quarter? HA! Like I'd be getting ANY more hours at work anyway. I'd go absolutely fucking nuts if I felt like this for the next three months. So essentially, when my dad pays for tuition he's not just paying for me to go to school, he's paying for me not to be home (which right now is like my prison).

I feel so stuck here. It's creeping me out. My car is back in working condition and everything, but there's still nothing to do, and really nobody to talk too.

I need to think of options....

-Samantha is in school, and there's really not much for us to do over here. I don't need to go into town and buy anything. She could come over here and we could take a walk or something, but it's sort of cold out so she might not want too. I'd rather not take any trips into town..

OH SHIT! I just remembered that drag queen show thing that I'm going too tonight. THAT should be interesting. It's already two, I should get my hair dyed.

peace.

Finally!! My CBC Halloween event video!

This is probably going to be a quick entry because I should really be studying for my kanji quiz tomorrow. This one is going to be hard, chapters 11 in the genki book and chapter 9 in the K L&L. The problem is that, well, I suck at kanji and I haven't studied these at all until this point aside from the little we do in class. So it's gonna be a long night for me. I need to print out some kanji squares or get grid paper or something.

At the moment, I'm publishing a lonnnng late video for CBC Japanese club's halloween event. I have to say, there's a lot of, well, me in it. My face starts the movie, my face ends it, rambling on. I put all the costume entries into little clips and had a long clip of me and Hannah playing ping pong-- it's pretty cute, but I'm having a feeling people might be a little annoyed with how much of me there is in it? But honestly, if I'm uploading it to my youtube channel it has to have a bit of a format, it's a vlog channel so it's gotta have my little introductions and explaining of things. I tried pretty hard on this video, I'm not getting paid for it, and if anyone has a problem with it I might be a little saddened.


Today was a very productive math day, as mondays tend to be. I finished an ENTIRE practice final that was 50 problems long! That's 3 hours of studying, again. You know how hard I'm working at this? I cannot fail that damn final! And you know what I'm gonna do the day of? I'm gonna do what I always do on final days-- I'm gonna show up at 8 in the morning and study until my final at 5. Well, with breaks in between, definately.. but still! I'm gonna dedicate as much time as a possibly can to learning absolutely every little detail I have to know so that there are no surprises on that test. It might of defeated practically everyone else once, but it won't get me. : )

This weekend is going to be a lot of studying. I'm not getting drunk this weekend and I'm not intending on having a lot of fun. If possible, it'd be cool to see *someone* but I really don't want to push it. I haven't got many work hours this week, either. Tomorrow I work from 5-closing and then from 5-closing on saturday. That gives me a lot of free time to study for the oral exam, Japanese final and the math final. The Japanese final is scaring me, as always... I really don't understand this grammar very well because I haven't studied nearly as hard as I have in other quarters, probably because this math is so important to me. But I can do it. Having the patience I do and the endless fear of failure, I can continue to cram.

Man, what was I taking this time last year? Japanese I, uhhmmm... wow, I can't remember anything else I was taking last fall. I think maybe that stupid Speech essentials class? That sounds about right. Last winter was way, way more memorable than last fall. It's hard to believe how far I've come in Japanese and how hard I've worked in the past year. I feel like I am ready for university level classes.

That makes me think though, the people that leave to a university right out of highschool without taking any community college credits... I bet so many people have RUDE awakenings when they figure out how hard college level classes are in comparison to highschool, and on top of the stress of moving out on their own. . . I really couldn't imagine and I'm glad I didn't take that road, even though I guess I never really had the option too.

I need to dye my hair. I haven't dyed it in ages and it's starting to look this sort of orangey brown. Like, I look like a total redhead in certain lights. I don't particularily like how I look redhead, it makes imperfections come out. I am thinking dark brown with blonde streaks. A lot of people are saying all over blonde, but I don't want to damage my hair to that extent. I've already got split ends, and they're just bound to fry if I do blonde. I need a trim pretty bad, too. I just can't spend too much money because of the holidays and the fact that my hours at rite aid are awful; I'm not gonna be making too much money. I'm gonna get a box dye at Sally's and have my mom do it, works like a charm every time. My mom is fantastic at dying hair. Cutting though, ehh no I leave that to the professionals. But I dread going to the salon because I'm always afraid they're going to say all of my hair is split ends and they need to cut almost all of it off for it to look any good. The back of my hair is always sort of a rats nest, and I avoid looking at it...
PEOPLE LIKE MY VIDEO! woohoo.

yours,
emily

Warning, another pissed off blog entry. You don't have to read it. It'll turn around a bit towards the end, I promiss.

Today I'm planning on getting my hair colored. With what money, I have no clue. Me and my mom were on the couch talking about potential colors, and I was actually thinking about getting brown with pink streaks in it. My mom said that would look like shit and would be too expensive, so I put out the idea of getting anything "rebelious" or interesting, so I'm going with a chocolate brown... again. My mom found this picture:

She thinks I should get little lighter streaks in it to give it some volume or something. I don't really like this picture because you can't really even see the colors. I know that if I went to go get it done and my mom came with, Nathan would be asking me questions like "So do you want the lighter brown streaks?" And I'd be like, "No" but my mom would cut in and say that there HAS TO BE.

My dad thinks I want to dye it BLACK. Yes, I typically do go with a dark brown, but I have never dyed it black, ever. Have I wanted too? Yes. Would I like it if my hair was black? Probably. But I won't do it because my parents would harrass me about it. The last few times that I've gotten my hair dyed close to black was after a horrific haircut, so I didn't like how THAT looked and the combination of the two made me hate it. I think I would actually like black hair if my hair was long. Granted, I'd rather not people think I'm trying to look asian, so I'm going to avoid that. I want dark brown, as always.

My dad came up and was yelling at me about how I look like shit when I have dark hair, and that I look "angry." I know that they both think I would look better blonde. I know this because my mom has manipulated me to dye my hair blonde before. How the FUCK can they think I look good blonde? For one thing, having that color hair makes me insecure because I think it looks ugly. It makes the redness in my face come out.

She literally said, when I was suggesting I get an all over dark brown..

"You think you're EVER going to get a job or a boyfriend with that dark hair?"

Now that I understand where her mind set is, her opinion's credibility means absolutely nothing to me. I'm tired of her telling me what looks good and what doesn't look good because now I feel that my own opinion isn't valid and it's not fair.

Forget it, I'm not even going to do this today... my blog entries are so depressing lately because the only time I come on here is when I want to rant about something because I'm pissed off practically all the time.

It's gotten to the point where I don't ever even post these to my facebook wall anymore because I'm slightly humiliated by the stuff that I write because I know my anger and insecurities are pathetic. I'm NOT always angry, but it comes out when I'm at home. I'm typically happy when I'm on the go, with my friends, or at school.

Anyway....

Last night was really fun. Me and Katelynn got pretty drunk with this drink called Joose. I wasn't originally going to drink it but I wanted to get my mind off some things so I didn't mind.

Yesterday originally me and Guy were going to go down to Hermiston but plans didn't end up working out. Of course, they weren't really plans. I just think Guy got the idea when I was leaving and he didn't want me too-- but it was just an idea, and it turned out he was going to spend some time with his mom yesterday instead. Apparently Cory and him are going to some rave thing today, and I was invited to go but I don't really want too. Reason being, I don't really know them enough to be able to travel with them. As much as I like spontanious things, I've been out the last couple nights, and really just should chillax today. Plus I need to save gas money...

Shavonne invited me over for dinner tonight but it's another lonnnnng drive to kennewick and I don't want to have to pay gas money to go out there. Seems like I'm constantly in kennewick lately.

Honestly the perfect way to spend the rest of my day today, in my opinion, is to go out on a run in this nice rainy weather, come home and play the bass, start on my college applications, and maybe take a little nap. Really nothing exciting, but still a good way to spend my saturday. We'll see if anything comes up.

yours,

emily