Let's try an experiment. 40.

Last night ended up being fantastic. I went over to Heather's after dealing with Lindy's lack of knowing what the plan was for three hours+. I was done with it and Heather said it didn't seem like there were any actual plans, so we hung out there instead. We made some really tasty rice pilaf from rice they purchased in Jamaica.

It's unfortunate that it's already 2:30 because I have a lot of work to get done, but if I play my cards right this will be a very productive Sunday and I will be very ready for the following week. I have an idea, I'm gonna try to plan this exactly down to the hour and see if I'm more likely to get it all done.

Everything on this list MUST be done in order to do this:

1. One SOLID hour of studying Japanese. This means no half assed, doing something else in the background shit. 3:00-4:00 PM. I will get this done and out of the way to warm up for other studying.

2. Guitar for an hour. By the time I'm done with studying Japanese I might want a little break so this will give me that time. I've been improving a lot because the past couple days I've "removed the training wheels," so to speak. Originally I was playing with my hands positioned TOTALLY WRONG. I realized this after reading an article about it, and how the position of your thumb can greatly dictate the amount of space your fingers can make. It's incredible. Anyway that helps, still needs a lot of work, still kind of hurts to play in the proper position, but I'm working on it. 4:10-5:10.

3. Accounting homework from 5:15-6. Get done with what I can, then start getting dinner ready. Make something small for myself, maybe take some caffiene, and keep going.

4. Do something for exercise. I'm intending on doing some pilates right now before 3' but do some other exercise during this hour.

5. Visual Basic project after 7' PM. Read over Chapters 1 and 2 one more time to try to get a better idea of the material. I feel myself slipping behind in there and I can't let myself. This should take until 8:30 or so.

I wonder if planning a day to this degree will make it unenjoyable, or super productive. We will see right now.

peace. 

YOU GAY. 39.

I'm sitting here, a little stressed. It's 8 at night, me and this girl Heather had plans, and she's yet to give me a heads up what she's doing or get in contact with me all day. She said she got off at 8 and it's 8:15. : ( Maybe I'm stressed out for nothing, I mean Lindy said her thing started at 9 or 10... maybe I should study for awhile and try to chill. I just want things to work out in my favor tonight.

I played guitar for a couple hours today and yesterday, I've really been trying to get Lonely day done at full speed, and it's coming along pretty well I'd just give it a couple days.

I just scored the bombest tilapia. It tastes like bananas. Literally, it has a funny banana aftertaste. Mix that with coconut flavor shots, mmm.

Anyway. Apparently Jyle wants me to come out to his place and hang out with him and Will, and there's this party going on that guy High Tower's house. High Tower creeps me out and I don't want to see him. Sometimes rednecks are scary to me. I don't know why. I feel like I'm just a different type. Like... I'm the one that likes to get with her friends and get blazed and kick back, not get drunk and act crazy. So I'll just stay here in Benton city, I hope, and if all else fails I just really hope I do get ahold of Heather and get a chance to hang out with her tonight. If it gets much later she might not even want too. Ha ha, look at me I'm all paranoid that she'll flake out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gay. Actually I've wished I WAS gay because of all the bullshit I've dealt with with guys but I'm definately NOT gay. Anyway, meeting a new cool girl to potentially start hanging out with is much more exciting for me than meeting a guy a lot of the time because I love having people to hang out with most of the time.

Though sometimes I don't know if I will ever fully trust men again in my life. I just never want to hang out with them anymore, aside from the ones that I'm really close too. I mean Robert, bah haha.

Foster the People is really good. I think I'm gonna buy one of their CDs one of these days. Even if they're super mainstream and everyone in the entire world has already listened to ALL of their music to death before me. I'm so out of style. : P

peace.

I give myself to you from the essence of my being. 38.

Last night was full of weird dreams.

Ones that I couldn't tell you in full detail because I didn't get straight up to write when I had it.

 The dreams were about rejection, being alone, and having a baby.

There were brief cutaways of being at parties. I was there with some other girls that I can't remember, but none of us were really a part of it. Like there were a bunch of people there having a good  time but we were kind of sitting out. I remember that someone I was really interested in was there but he clearly had no interest in me what-so-ever. Because of this, I wanted to leave, yet his friends kept on talking to me like, explaining what this guy was doing. It just made me sick about it.

After  being rejected by this guy I acted angry and rude toward Sean McIntyre and some other people from my Japanese class for some reason, you know people I see on a regular basis. It was like, for some reason Sean was at my kitchen table with his new girlfriend who "likes to play Warcraft" and for no reason I told her she looked like a slut, shortly after appologizing because I told her I thought she was someone else. I would never in my right mind straight out call a girl a slut unless she had REALLY wronged me.

Note: I *did* like Sean quite a bit in the past, actually around this time last year. I ended up rejecting him in the long run though, in the craziest sense possible. I should of just been honest with him and told him how awkward it would be to be in Japanese together for the next year if we were dating. It would be like a show for everyone in there. Ugh. Yeah, it took quite awhile for me and Sean to enjoy eachother's company again.

Back to the dream. I remember having a baby girl, and not taking care of her very well. Like she was clean and fed and everything but I probably wasn't giving her the attention she deserved. It was like I was resentful toward it. Well, I was *alone* in this dream, so obviously whoever knocked me up with it was out of the picture. I remember the baby was tucked in on my own bed when I came in and wondered why she didn't have a crib of her own. Could this have some significance? She started crying at the top of her lungs when I came in and uncovered her. But note, she was FINE this entire time. Like she was fed and clean, but I wasn't really giving her any love. The whole picture just looked like I wasn't ready for this and wished I still had my own life. I was also angry at whoever the father was because I was alone to take care of her.

That's all I remember of my ongoing dream last night. I don't remember any specific details, but the dream kept on coming back as I fell in and out of sleep because of coughing attacks. Vivid dreams like this are typically attributed by medicine, and last night I took some perscription grade cough medicine. I wasn't particularily sad or feeling anything about this subject last night. Actually, I remember thinking how happy I felt with all of the friends I've been making lately and how well, not lonely I've been.

I guess my subconcious wanted to remind me of that void in my life. Again. I don't think I'm crazy, and I try to repress this as much as I can because it really is the only thing I can do. This is probably going to be another year of being "alone," which is especially likely because I have a set time that I'm leaving and no guys that are my age that even want a girlfriend want something that is almost guarenteed to only have the possibility of lasting until I leave. But why do people insist on looking that far ahead? Why can't they just live in the moment? ...Not that I'm one to talk about "living in the moment." I study for three hours a day just to hopefully seal a successful, comfortable future for myself, and someday I hope I can look back and thank myself for all the hard work I've put in. Because of this I strive for perfection and look WAY more to the future than I probably should.

I feel like looking up the meanings to some of the main objects of my dream.

Custosy of http://dreammoods.com/



Baby Clothes. In the dream I remember seeing my baby's clothes that needed to be changed.

To see baby clothes in your dream suggests that you are expressing yourself in a more subtle way. Alternatively, baby clothes represent your former ways of thinking or old habits which you have outgrown.

This is so true! I have been growing a lot as a person. I've become a lot more secure with myself, more social, and I don't let nearly as many things and anxieties bother me anymore. I feel that I've become more self aware of how frantic I tend to act. I've also been trying to become more cafeful of anger flareups and becoming a better listener. Because I've realized, nobody really wants to hear me blather on about myself. They want to talk about themselves. This is why I have this blog.

Baby. To see a baby in your dream signifies innocence, warmth and new beginnings. Babies symbolize something in your own inner nature that is pure, vulnerable, helpless and/or uncorrupted. If you find a baby in your dream, then it suggests that you have acknowledged your hidden potential.

This is pretty true too. I have become a lot more secure with myself, and I'm no longer that afraid of what people think of me or humiliated about the past. That chapter of my life is over and with this new year I'm moving forward. But at the same time I was sort of mistreating that baby, as if symbolically I'm afraid of facing these new changes and something inside me is still scared and vulnerable.

To dream of a crying baby symbolizes a part of yourself that is deprived of attention and needs to be nurtured.

Well, this is obvious.

It's time to get going with my day.

Today's Friday which means I'm going to hopefully get some work done and play a lot of guitar. Other than that I don't have plans. I'd really like to get my hair dyed black, which was inspired by this picture that I saw on Suicide girls. I really think I could rock it. I feel it's time to stop worrying about what my mom and sister think and try something new.

I haven't talked to or seen Katelynn in a couple weeks now. It's weird, she completely flaked on Wednesday and didn't give me any heads up why she didn't end up coming over. I think it'd be a good gesture to bring over Alan's replacement CD today. Yeah, maybe it's a good idea to just go into town. I've got some errands to do. If anything, I could buy that hairdye at Sally's. Brad says he doesn't think it would look good on me, and immediately he's making me doubt it.

My biggest fear with dying my hair black is my mom saying "UR TRYING TO LOOK AZN!!!" or some stupid shit that she likes to say. I DON'T WANT TO LOOK ASIAN, but this gives my mom ammunition to think that I do if I were to do this.

I just randomly started crying out of nowhere. I don't understand why this happens to me, everything is FINE. I SHOULD BE HAPPY. I HAVE A TON OF FRIENDS. I'M DOING WELL IN SCHOOL. I hate depression, so much, I just gotta keep fighting.

peace.

36. And when my back is against the wall...

I somehow pull myself out.

I studied for nearly four hours tonight total, and my Dad helped me a LOT with my accounting work (understanding the material, prodominantly, and I feel more ready for lectures). Not to mention I also got time to play guitar for an hour and I was able to sloppily play through the first minute and 30 seconds of Lonely Day with the recording. This is an accomplishment, that intro is pretty difficult-- well for me anyway, picking individual strings versus just bar chords is more of a challenge. But practice should help that. It's one of my favorite songs by System, and if I get this one down that'll be number 3 on my New Years resolution to learn all of there songs. At the rate I'm going I doubt I'll learn *all* of them but I can try my best at least.

I don't have room to complain, lately I can say that I've been enjoying the quality of life a lot more. Trying to use my time productively has helped a lot, and even if playing guitar isn't nessasarily more "productive" than playing the sims or messing around on Gaia, it makes me feel a lot better about how I'm spending it.

Studying a lot helps too. It's just a matter of GETTING STARTED. Just a couple hours makes a HUGE difference.

peace.

How can I expect perfection if I don't work for it.

Every test that I've taken in the last week, I got a low B. Even on one of my Japanese quizzes. A low freaking B. You know what that says to me? It says Emily, you're not working hard enough, you're spending too much time procrastinating and hanging out with people that don't do much themselves.

I need to change, asap, because I can't let my grades fall down the shit hole. There is no reason that I shouldn't get A's in my classes, and the only thing that's going to keep me from it is if I continue to make the bad choices that I've been making. All I do lately is smoke, listen to music, hang out with friends and play guitar. I haven't been dedicating nearly the amount of time an effort needed to get the grades that I want. It's obvious that I need a change, so I think for the next couple weeks I'm going to make it a point to not go out and only do what I have to do: Work and study, and occasionally hang out with friends if they're willing to come to me. Because this drive out to pasco in the middle of the night to drink at Jessika's house literally got me sick and I was unable to pay attention for the last couple days.

I'm in the library right now. It's almost 2. Katelynn should be coming over around 7' or something so that gives me a good four hours or so to work. It's just a matter of getting started. I'm so disappointed with myself lately.

peace.

35. Feeling sick, so aimlessly researching.

This is gonna be a quick entry because I'm planning on going to bed here in a few minutes.

I'm sick; first time for the year 2012, how exciting! I went to school this morning just to get my accounting test back and take my Visual Basic test, which I doubt she's posted the grades for yet. I got an 82% on my accounting test. Not bad, I'll do better on the next one because I was a little nervous about it and found myself rushing when I actually had plenty of time. My main problem was on the multiple choice, but I did pretty well on my journal entries.

http://www.nndb.com/event/229/000118872/

I've been reading about all these suicides by famous people. It's really interesting. Originally I somehow ended up reading all about Hitler's many women that he had relations with and how almost all of them committed suicide, which led me to this page above and I've just been looking up people and watching videos and reading articles.

I really should be sleeping. I took a mucinex and I'm starting to get really tired. Hopefully I feel better by tomorrow.

peace.

34. From redneck rafting to redneck sledding down concrete hills.

This weekend has been a freaking blast, to the point that I haven't been able to write much.

I luckily got all my work done today, Sunday, of course. But I don't regret having fun on the weekends if I'm still maintaining good grades. God, I need to take it easy on myself once in awhile.

There's a lot to say but I'll keep it short because I've gotta go to bed pretty soon. I feel sort of sick today, probably from my lack of sleep last night and being out in the cold for hours on end on Friday. I'll just talk about Friday first and post the pictures and then maybe I'll talk about Saturday tomorrow when I'm at school or something.

After Cece told me what she had to deal with during the weekends when she's stuck at her Mom's house, I thought I'd give her a place to stay for 24 hours or so. Granted, if it was my apartment I'd be open to letting someone stay as they like but it's my parents place and they don't like people being over too long, even if they're as incredibly helpful to have around like Cece is.

She did my nails almost immediately when she came over. I was in my room playing the guitar when she came up, and I played a couple songs before putting it up. She seemed really enthusiastic and brought her own nailpolish and everything. So I figured, what the Hell, haven't done manicures and pedis since I was ten! She did a pretty nice job. In the picture it looks like my toenails are yellow but they're a lot more clear than it appears. Anyway, I thought it was a really sweet gesture.

Mitch came over at about 6'. This picture was actually taken after sledding, nothing we took outside came out clear enough. With Lindy, it's pretty hard to make clear plans, so we (Mitch, Cece and I) enjoyed flying down that hill at the end of the road. Unfortunately, though, they installed a couple poles in the middle of the jump spot that look like a major safety hazzard if you were to run into one, so we decided that spot wasn't fantastic. We then walked up to the middle school where Lindy said her group was, and Lindy told us that they were inside Alice's house because they'd been sledding for a long time and were too cold to do it anymore.

Note, this was after Mitch, Cece and I had walked around for what seemed like hours to locate Lindy and her group because they kept changing places, I continued to try and make plans work. We ended up meeting at the middle school in the long run after walking in a bunch of circles, but the hills were dull. Luckily, there was a road covered in perfect sheet ice that we could fly down, which turned out to be a complete blast. Once we got the group together it was Lindy, Connor Clayton, Omar Alvarado, Alice, Chloe, Mitch, Eugene, Cece, and I. It was actually one of the best times I've had in awhile flying down that road.

Some guy in a truck kept on driving past us, and we literally thought he was stalking us and some wanted to bail because of it, but it just turned out he was lost and needed directions to Dusty road.

I love this picture.

After sledding we went back to my place where I made everyone tea. Originally people were like "Ehh..." because the original plan was hot chocolate. Too bad we only had one packet of hot chocolate left.

Mitch and I making drinks. This was actually a great idea, who doesn't like a hot drink after being out in the cold for hours. It would be been better if it was hot chocolate and schnaps but two of the girls that were there were 15 and giving alcohol to a 15 year old is NOOO bueno.

Age isn't hugely important to me because I really just want everyone to have fun, but at the same time I feel very uncomfortable when girls that are actually younger than my sister are at my house. But hey they're Lindy's friends and as long as they aren't doing anything illegal around me then it's okay.

Mitch, Eugene, Cece and I (Cece was spending the night) all hung out after everyone left. I wanted to give Eugene and Mitch a taste of that vaporizor, as they smoked me out a few times over the summer and I owed them one. Mitch and Eugene seemed pretty blazed to begin with, but it was a cool end cap for the night. We listened to Perfect Circle, and I've GOT to buy some of their CDs. Mitch actually played along with them while we were sitting around, it was awesome.

Cece doesn't smoke, but she said she was fine with it earlier. Well, fine with it until her asthema takes over. But what doesn't make sense to me is how does she get an asthma attack from smoking fumes in the air yet doesn't when insence is burning next to her? Who knows. Anywho, I figured she'd be fine because a vaporizor doesn't make fumes particularily, though it smells a little wet, but it doesn't even compare to the smoke that comes off a full sized bong or even a spoon pipe. She was fine, but I sent the guys home around 11' so I wouldn't push it with my mom.

I have to admit, though I've heard some horror stories about some stupid things he's done, Omar is a fun person to hang out with and I am really happy he came. He really lightened up the mood with his random comments about conspiracies. Very weird.

Anyway, I need to do a little cardio before bed. I will tell you all about my experience with Jessika last night tomorrow. My nose is super runny and I should call it an early night.

peace. 

33.

みなさんおやすみ。

I'm just in my room right now. Have been for most of the day today. I did 100 leg lifts and some arm lifts because I ate a bunch of bad calories like cookie sandwiches and junk like that. Not usually something I'd eat, but because of today's sort of funky, isolated schedule I've been sorta bored.

Anyone who knows my life routine might be wondering why I was at home all day. Well, CBC was cancelled today. This was sort of a blessing to me because I wasn't particularily prepared for my accounting test this morning.

Last night was fun. The concert was supposed to start at 6' but Tyler picked me up at about 5' in his big rig. It was still snowing outside, and the roads are frozen over with a sheet of snow. Tyler's four-wheel drive green SUV didn't slide at all the entire way. He's lucky to have that thing, even if it probably burns through gasoline really quickly. I was sort of blazed when he came and got me, but I doubt he noticed much. We talked a little bit about school and other stuff going on in our lives right now. Not much changes. Sometimes we subtley flirt with eachother but anymore I don't think either of us have that same attraction toward eachother. Well, he never really liked me that much in the first place. At least he didn't in highschool, a little bit more as we got older though. For the most part, though, me and Tyler's relationship has consisted of being of us arguing, then randomly making out, maybe having a decent conversation here or there, and then arguing again. Yet somehow, four years later, we're now closer than we've ever been friendship wise.

Anyway, I expected Theory of a Deadman to suck but they actually didn't put on a bad show. Their song order was pretty bad though... Like, they got the crowd going with their first song, it was really fast and uptempo, and after everyone had waited like, I'm not even kidding, FORTY-FIVE minutes for them to start up after their openning bands, everyone was in a pretty pumped mood. If they would of played upbeat songs the whole time it would of been a lot better. But instead, they played two sloooow ass acoustic songs back to back and were never able to get that same energy. By the end of the show I was definately ready for it to be over. Actually to be honest by the third song I was ready for it to be over but at the same time I really wanted to have a good time so I sort of forced it. But overall, yes, had a pretty good time and jumped around with a bunch of pissed off drunk rednecks.

I didn't see ONE person I knew there. There was the typical 16 year old girl groups that show up to all of these things, but the actual fans of the band were guys that reminded me of Chad Vaughn. Guys that look like they have 10 year old kids. People weren't very riled up though because it was a Wednesday. weird day to have a concert.

The lead singer seemed sort of gay. No, I don't mean in the derogatory sense because I never say "oh that's gay." I mean in the sense that he probably catches gay. I at least got that vibe, which is so ironic because his music is supposed to be so testosterone-y and you know almost all of their diehard fans are straight, white men. This actually reminds me of Rammstein. Till's totally gay and Rammstein has the same audience here in America.

Omg, I cannot escape the random IMs on facebook and it's pissing me off. Sometimes I just don't want to talk but I leave my messanger on so I can talk to Samantha or something.

And of course my computer almost freezes up right there.

ugh.

peace.

My favorite holiday is coming!

Today was crazy cold. The roads are icey and I had a really hard time not crashing this morning. It would of been easier if I hadn't of been in such a rush, which I blame on the fact that I woke up late because I was too damn distracted to set my alarm clock properly last night. I just fixed it when I got home, reminded of how annoying that was after driving 35 mph all the way home from CBC today.

So the concert is today, yahoo! Well, I'm listening to Theory of a Deadman right now on Spotify... 

....and I don't like it at all. I'm gonna try and cover up this the best that I can. Listening to "Lowlife." What the hell, this is there greatest hit? This is depressing and stupid. Okay, next greatest hit... The Bitch Came Back. I imagine what group this appeals too, and it makes me sort of grossed out.

Yeah, this stuff is horrible. I don't want to see this. Too late to flake now.

Take a listen and tell me that's not completely ridiculous.

Looks like I'm gonna be getting blazed tonight. Because honestly, who could possible enjoy... Okay, I need to stop. Optimism is key. I just put my hair up, I look pretty cute, maybe I should take a new facebook default.

peace

Keep praying, just keep waiting.. 32.

I've got $605 in the bank, and I'd prefer not to go under $500 by my paycheck next Thursday if I can help it. This means things are tight. Really cheap, as always. It probably wasn't nessasary for me to buy that vaporizor and spend 1/3 of my paycheck, but hey, I'm not too stressed about it. I've still got plenty of time to save up the $5,000 by the time I get out of here. Just little by little. I feel that recent splurge will last me a good long time, and it's going to be the only smoking device I'll need. Honestly, though, I've been trying to cut back on smoking period. I promissed myself that I wouldn't smoke this week until Friday. . .

That reminds me, Tyler Davenport invited me to go to a Theory of a Deadman concert with him at the Toyota Center. I intend on going but I'm gonna be honest you guys I can't name one song by them. I am probably gonna have to look up their music online tonight. I don't know if I'm in the current position to go, though, considering that I have so many tests this week, but he's got two tickets and seems to really want to go with me. Haha more than likely he'll flake out so I shouldn't worry about it.

All I know is they play on 97 rock a lot. The singer is pretty hot, though.

I'm so hungry. I'm probably gonna make these copies and go.

Today I have to get finished with some accounting assignments, research Provigil, study my kanji for a couple hours, and do a Visual basic project. OH, and I need to buy Alan a new Alice in Chains CD. First I need to gut my car to see if I can find it. That, and that Helter Skelter book that has been hanging over my head like a dead goose. If I wasn't such a spacy person I wouldn't have to pay for either of these things, but I lost Alan's CD and I lost the library book so that's probably going to be $40 out of my pocket in the long run. The library book can wait though, they've only bugged me about it once.

..But I have no idea where that book is. It could be under my seat, or I could of turned it in already.

Deep thoughts for today? Not really. My mom cut my bangs and I think they look cute. I feel pretty confident with myself today. Depression seems to be coming to a halt for the time being. This always happens at school. I'm almost too busy to be depressed. I guess this is why I love school, and hopefully someday I'll have a good enough career for myself to keep myself preoccupied as well.

I'm gonna go home and try to get as much work done as I can. I need to get started before I get more preoccupied and look down at the clock and it's 7'.

I now know how to play Holy Mountains all the way through, without screwing up, and without looking at tabs. That's pretty good. : ) Songsterr has definately been worth it so far. I started working on the song A.D.D. last night. System of a Down tabs seem to have certain patterns, and difficulty wise I'd say they're a little harder than Rammstein but easier than the Metallica I've tried to learn. Maybe it's harder for me to play Metallica because I don't like their music nearly as much as SOAD. Actually, I'd say I like about 60% of their songs, and the other 40% is annoying shredding.

peace.

Numbers might make me feel more stable.

Today is just another day.

This is the first sober blog I've done in awhile. Actually I'm intending on being sober for the next week.. at least until Friday. I really need to focus or I'm going to be screwed. Katelynn came over last night so of course I had to introduce her to the new vaporizor, but of course I didn't get anything done last night either. Today is different though, I can't afford for it not to be.

I've got some stuff to get done. Gotta do all those Japanese Kanji worksheets, study the new grammar, do accounting homework, and last but not least make flashcards for my Visual Basic vocabulary. I can do that, right? Right. Plan. Lets go. No more facebook for the rest of the day, it just makes me more depressed. I want to kick this depression and maybe studying will help. Today is the third day I've felt this way. At least there's no work-work until Thursday.

peace.

I'm using this picture as my first cover on the stupid facebook timeline. I switched to it to try it out and now it's not letting me switch back. How sad.

...Typical Sunday madness at Rite Aid. 31.

I've gotten really sick of chocolate.

This pain that was in my mind yesterday seems to have transfered to the rest of my body. Cramps are killing me and I am having a hard time getting motivated to clean my room.

I'm happy to say that yesterday's sad moodiness was more due to PMS than anything. To anyone who reads this, sorry for TMI but this is my blog and I can write whatever I want. Besides, if anyone gets offendid that's kind of silly because it's a part of life. Anyway, it makes me happy that it was just PMS because I really thought I was on the border of having a major break down yesterday. Well, I did cry, but I ended up feeling better and later hanging out with Mitch and Lindy and a couple of Lindy's friends so it ended up being a pretty good night. I think I'm getting better at controlling my depression.

Work today was fast paced. I hung tags and got more done than I've ever done in a single day. I not only got my stack done, but all of Damon's seasonal as well and even a few of Tammy's sheets when I got sick of my stupid stack of salon brand products that we don't even carry in the store. I worked eight hours, that's... $72, sweet! Spent $16 though on a new box of Bronkaid. Turns out Rite aid sells it in 60 caplet boxes for only $10. Not saving me much money, but it saves me having to buy more of it for awhile. I just take two in the morning. So yeah, month supply.

Katelynn might be coming over tonight but I don't even want to smoke right now. I'm going to go clean that vaporizor pipe out though in case she wants to use it. Ha ha, who wouldn't.

peace.

I'm just so alone.

Life is hard for me.

I really don't want to go into this again but I need to get it off my chest before I leave. Right now I'm grinding tilapia and waiting for my pants to dry in the dryer. God damn, I feel low tonight. I slept about an hour after work, and now I'm going to a bonfire in like an hour and I don't even want to go. My heart hurts. I can't even think straight without my mind feeling empty and low.

I guess I've been feeling it a lot lately. Especially on the weekends. I am fine at school because I'm surrounded by many people that care about me, but when I'm alone, in my room, smoking and fiddle fucking around on the computer, I'm reminded how alone I feel. Well, there's other circumstances too. Like the continual bombarding of facebook posts of girls that are like ecstatic 24/7 when they're with their boyfriend and the people that always seem to ask me why I haven't been with anyone in so long. I always have the same answer. Guys have liked me but I never seem to like any of them and none of the guys that I ever seem to like have interest in me back.

I met a guy yesterday, however briefly, at Leah's birthday party. He was in my music appreciation class awhile back. Anyway we talked, he seemed really sweet, *really* cute, presentable, etc etc.... I should probably back up and mention that this guy worked at the ice rink and didn't know Leah. Leah had her group of friends with her, none of which seemed particularily interested in talking to me, so I sort of blew them off at the end of skating to talk to this one guy that was holding my purse up at the front. They had sort of randomly been hitting on me earlier and I blew them off, but when I got really tired of skating around in circles, I figured what the hell.

I went up to grab my purse, and talked asked if this super cute blonde guy was the one that sat behind me in music appreciation. We (me, Wyatt and some other guy that worked there) were talking for like 20 minutes. We talked about school a lot, why we were going, you know typically introductory stuff. I sort of wanted to talk to him again so I asked him if I could add him on facebook or something. He said "yeah totally" and told me his last name was Van-....something. I couldn't hear him. And at about the same time, Leah trots up wearing her schoolgirl skirt and . . . oh god, a TAIL. She came skating wearing that, and must of said like three times-- "I don't know why I came dressed like this. I did just cause'." I honestly didn't think twice of her outfit until she started talking about it over and over. But yeah, she comes up to the fudging counter practically yelling "Have you seen my tail? Look I can shake it!! TOUCH IT!" I should of just been like, "Uh... yeah.... okay?" but then I would of looked like a bitch. It was an absolute no win situation.

I ended up leaving my number fpr Wyatt to the guy's coworker who asked me for it, feeling sort of stupid about it because I don't like looking forward. But yeah, I'm sure in this situation, I either looked WAY too forward or Leah's weirdness creeped him out. Probably a combination of both.
For some reason this event made me feel sort of sad. I guess most girls would, right? I don't even know anymore.

I am going to this bonfire thing that Lindy Covington is having and it's going to be freezing as balls out there. I don't even know if I want to go.... but I have too because that's what the plan was and I'd be hugely letting lindy down. But I'm going to be really cold, and I feel like I might have a bit of a fever. Plus I work at 7 tomorrow morning. Decisions, decisions.

Meh, it'll all get figured out and I just need to go with the flow.

peace.

Okay, and on a side note, I think I'm going to continue to use "peace." as my closer.

30. Just waiting for work.

Well, I'm enjoying being at school not doing much of anything. I really should be working on my accounting homework while I have the chance but I have a four day weekend ahead of me. I have work at 5' so I should probably leave here around 4'; gonna grab some Taco Bell for a late lunch. Otherwise I'll be a very hungry bitch. Oh, that reminds me, I gotta stop by Wal mart and get some Bronkaid too. Haven't bought it in awhile but I need to buy a couple weeks worth, especially now that school is started up again. That shit is a Godsend, it completely aleviates my ADHD for a few hours.

Right now I'm downloading some Daler Mehndi music. To anyone that doesn't know who he is, he did the Tunak Tunak Tun song which you've probably heard before. It's an okay song, but sort of annoying in my opinion. I like a lot of his other stuff though, it's really fun to dance too! My favorite song is Har Taraf Tera Jalwa.I like to dance to it for some quick cardio exercise in my room. Man, that makes me want to go home. I don't want to be here... I don't want to be at Rite Aid either. I'm still really bad about my hours. I need to make a spreadsheet for all my hours that I've worked and how much I was paid to prove that I haven't been paid properly. . . But damn it I don't have my fucking hours because I don't have my planner! Errg. Well, I'll bring it up to Jay today.... maybe get a print out of the transaction or something. I'm about to throw a fit, it's been six weeks now.

Vapor cannon. These babies range from $90-140. Seems about the right price range and look how pretty. The best part is, these things pay for themselves.

I'd be more excited about this if I had gotten paid in full, but I'm intending on buying a vaporizor with Robert tomorrow. The max I'm gonna spend on it is a hundred dollars, but I've really wanted one for a long time. A vaporizer is like, the KING of smoking methods. A lot of people use them in bathrooms, their car, wherever they need to get blazed discretely. This isn't what I'm going to use it for though. I'm still going to keep the smoking in my bedroom/bathroom, but on the bright side this is much less... err, scented. My room won't smell reeky after I smoke anymore. I've heard it's pretty powerful though. Apparently vaporizers eliminate the toxins from smoking. That's... too good to be true, even if marijuana is proven to be much less harmful than both cigarettes and alcohol. I'd really like Da Budda vaporizer, but it's too diehard and expensive for me right now. Maybe it'll be a graduation present to myself one day.


2 o'clock now. I should really get some stuff done. I've had a very productive day today. Studied Japanese and accounting, and even got a project done for Visual Basic. I'm getting ahead in that class again. Well, I'm significantly ahead of a lot of the adults in there that are extremely confused. I am starting to feel sort of sorry for one of them, who was saying today "I'm just wasting my time..." Such a Debbie Downer but I understand how she feels. I sometimes felt like that in math... but then I buckled down and learned that shit because I knew I didn't have any other choice. Maybe if she does the same she'll get it.

Having any initiative to do anything on a Thursday night is like waving a candy bar in front of my face and then having me eat a bowl of cold broccoli (I like steamed broccolli too much to turn that down). There just seems to be more interesting things to do. Ha ha that's clever I'm gonna post that as my status.

Well hey I better get going, peace

yours,
Emily

29. Just waiting for my money.

Money, if you don't come in the damn bank soon I'm not going to be happy.

Rite Aid owes me, big time. Not only for the 30 hours that I didn't get paid for but all the shitty late shifts I had the past couple weeks.

Me and Lindy took a long walk tonight, and again she was dwelling about being single again, and predicts that her and Cole will be back together soon. That's... unfortunate. No don't get me wrong, I don't think Cole's a bad guy at all. He's always been somewhat nice toward me, I suppose. What gets me is that he and Lindy fight all the time, and Lindy complains about how rude he acts toward her, yet she continues to put up with him. That, and he doesn't seem like he puts any effort into the relationship at all aside from driving her nuts with his continual stream of interrogating texts. She straight told me that she hates being single, and I know she's not the only good friend of mine that's that way. Well, yeah, obviously when I take a step back and look at it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with me, aside from being extremely insightful to the point that I have a hard time seeing the beauty in simplicity of every day life (well, which is why I smoke weed). That and my eating hangups, compulsive exercising, history of depression, and occasional anger flareups. But I'm funny, pretty cute, fit, unique, interesting (I'm most certainly NOT boring), and talented in a lot of things. I mean I write, draw, play a little guitar, cook, speak a lot of Japanese... I consider myself a pretty well-rounded, exceptional human being in many respects. And because of this, I've learned to accept being alone. My status today was "By myself but not alone." and many people thought I was talking about a stalker or something. Adam Tye knew immediately that it was Metallica, and I gave him a virtual gold star. : )

Alright I got paid. $344. That's still short. That money could of just been from the last weeks of working, because that's a reasonable paycheck. Where the fuck is that other $200? It's been 6 weeks, I want to get paid for those hours. It's getting personal now. I've gotta write up a statement saying all of the hours that I've worked. Well first I'm going to address it to Jay and see if there is a mistake, but there must be. I'm so frustrated by this.

yours,

Emily

That amazing feeling I get....

When I successfully complete something that I didn't understand before.

Just got done with my Visual Basic homework, and I'm almost sure I did all of the projects right. I'm also enjoying the fact that I can add little bits of customization to my projects as well, like background images. I'd post a picture of my first project but it's on my junk drive and I'm too lazy. Visual Basic itself is a drag and drop interface, which makes setup a breeze. Reminds me almost of setting up a yearbook page. But yeah, figuring out the program took me a few hours, but now that I've got it I feel set.

I also have an accounting quiz tomorrow that I need to study for... I'll probably just look over the chapter. Oh, and a Japanese quiz on top of that. That should be semi easy though, the vocabulary isn't that hard this week. It's pretty stressful but I'm trying to stay as calm as possible and take things one step at a time. My planner helps a lot with that.

Living with low blood sugar is hard because if I don't frequently snack during the day I get really weak and sick feeling in only a few hours. I try to snack on healthy food, like cereal and stuff.

I'm so hungry right now. I feel empty.... I'm sitting in the room across from the library Epicenter. The Collab room. I'd print out my assignments but I have literally no change to purchase the prints. That being said, hopefully I'll get the opportunity to print them sometime in class. I don't have a break between my accounting class and Visual basic to do some last minute catchup.

I sort of wish I wasn't taking accounting. I don't enjoy it very much and it's hard work. I'm still trying to get the basics of it down but it's really weird... thinking backwards and forwards and trying to remember all the terms and procedures. It'll be good for me to get through this class though. It might not be the easiest task, but it'll help me out a lot in the long run. The purpose of being here (and sometimes I forget this...) is to learn, and if anything coming out of this accounting class will give me a perspective on what my Dad does every day, as well as help me with budgeting later down the line.

The reason that I haven't gone home yet is that I'm going to a bonfire over in Kennewick at 7' or so. I'm gonna leave here around 6' and grab some taco bell or something, I need to eat or I'm going to be miserable. I need to try to study some Japanese before I go. Mehh. I really don't think my brain has the capacity to get through accounting studying right now.... neeeeed food.

yours,
Emily

28. I swear to God I'm bipolar.

So, lately I've really been thinking that I'm bipolar and my depression swings have to do with being manic and extremely low. Because lately, I've been feeling happy and then for no reason at all I'll feel depressed, scared and down. Full of anxiety. Playing the guitar has helped a lot because it makes me feel better about myself because I've been improving a lot, but when I'm in a super bad mood it makes it more difficult to play.

I have so many problems that I have to face on a daily basis: Depression, bipolar, orthorexic, OCD, and anxiety. All of those. All FIVE of them, swarming through my head like angry bees. People don't understand, especially my family even if they've had to deal with me for my entire life. Luckily though, soon I'll be out of their hair and they won't have to deal with me anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like a burden to everyone when I get like this.

I'm going to try and get myself in a better mood. I'm gonna have a get together tonight at my house, hopefully, have a few people over to watch Starwars and get blazed. Sounds like a very good saturday to me. I do need to study each of my subjects and clean up, too. I've just gotta do something or I'm gonna get super depressed. Errg.

yours,
Emily

26. O-OVERDRIDRIVE

My brain is on overdrive lately.

I've been doing really well at not procrastinating lately because of my work and school schedule colliding and not really having any time to procrastinate even if I wanted too. The to-do list helps a lot too because it helps keep track of my goals for the day. Yesterday I didn't get done with as much as I'd like too, but I've been really proactive about studying accounting today to make up for it. Gotta make some flash cards for the accounting vocab, cards for Japanese vocab, and it's definately on my to-do list tonight to download and fiddle around with the Visual Basic program at home. That's how I'm going to learn to use it. The book is pretty complicated, but the program itself is interesting enough to me that I know I'll be able to figure it out. It helps that my teacher is totally helpful, too.

This weekend is going to be a lot of working at Rite Aid, unfortunately. I don't really want to work I just want to study and keep caught up. I am so afraid of failure this quarter because so much is on the line for me. My parents are really rooting for me to do well in accounting, Visual basic is my last requirement to graduate, and I'm trying to absorb as much Japanese as possible before I start going to Western. Reason being, the sensee up there might not be so nice.

Last night I had a somewhat interesting adventure, though I'd rather not post about it. . . Probably shouldn't of gone out late on a Wednesday but I managed to get home around 1', get a few hours of sleep, and I've yet to get hit with the exaustion yet. I'll probably be really tired when I get home, though.

I work until 10' tonight... Dana is on vacation, so I'll be more relaxed at work knowing I don't have anyone watching my every move waiting for me to mess up. I know she so badly want to throw me under a bus and it makes me sort of anxious. No use worrying about it though, it'd probably just make matters worse. I've been getting good hours lately, so I know my next paycheck is going to be decent, but SURVIVING until that paycheck is going to be a challenge. I don't even want to look at my bank statement because it'll just make me depressed. After the first few days of school I know I've spent at least $200 on books, gas, etc... But I've been trying to think of school as an investment. Yes, it's expensive, but it'll make me a HELL of a lot more money in the long run if I play my cards right. Accounting might be my major, after all, depending on how I do in this class. It makes a decent amount of sense to me but it's going to take a lot of practice to get the hang of it. It's just a matter of getting used to all of the new terms.

My thoughts are so all over the place today. Just so much going on. I need to go do some mindless work for awhile.

yours,
Emily

The horrendously annoying yet simultaniously catchy song that's an accurate representation of how I've been feeling lately. I am not using cocaine. I've just been so high energy lately... maybe from not being on anti-depressents and finally coming out of a 20 year depressed slump? I have no idea.

24. Working so hard for that bikini body.

Kim Kardashian looking like a complete douche on a Carl's Junior ad.

My life is good when it has balance.


I'm using my new planner to achieve this, but it's difficult when I am so reluctant to study. I just feel something pulling me away from it. I'd rather do practically anything else. There's a lot that I need to get done, but I know I'll HAVE to do it tomorrow so why bother. Tomorrow's going to be a busy day. It's back to the old grind at school tomorrow. Winter vacation didn't fly by nessasarily, I spent a lot of time at home keeping myself busy or spending money on useless shit.


Right now I'm waiting for dinner. Went on a long run with Lindy Covington and now I'm really hungry. My parents are in town and went to Carl's Junior. I usually don't like fast food very much but I'll eat it if someone brings it home. Luckily, my parents don't get it very often so I'm not tempted. I tried to order the healthiest thing possible-- grilled chicken sandwich, no mayo. Hopefully there will be no cheese on it either. Eating healthy is hard.


Yours,
emily

23. Nivea lipbalm is awesome.

Amazing first day of 2012~ I did everything I needed to do, aside from studying Japanese but I know I'll be studying so much when the schoolyear starts up again that I'm not too concerned about it.

I'm just so excited for school!

I don't like this picture of me at all, but I'll post it here because I don't care. It's my facebook that i'm like ehhm no I look icky. Anyway, this is me, and Lindy, at the beginning of our hike before I became completely winded and about to pass out. Ha ha we made it up there QUICK though, way quicker than what me and Jake did.

Today me and Lindy climbed Candy Mountain. It's a long but fun climb. We also went to Barnes and Nobles to originally meet up with the guy that I'm buying my textbook from, but he ended up not being able to go. Still, very fun visit with Lindy. I need to lay off the spending. I'm not going to go anywhere tomorrow.

I am going to work on my new years resolution, by sleeping.

yours,
Emily