Nature of the beast.

My left hand has been cramping like a son of a bitch. Sometimes it will suddenly go tingly out of the blue when I'm driving. It makes me nervous, I baby my left hand the best I can so I don't get horrible carpel tunnel. If I get carpel tunnel I wouldn't be able to play and that would suck. I'm going to research the signs of developing carpel tunnel. Or maybe the cramping is just from working my wrists hard and they're building more resilience.  My goal at the end of the week is to get good enough at Tame a Land to post a video of it on Youtube. It's a nerve wrecking thing for me, still, because it would require me to actually hear myself play. When I play, I feel like I can't hear myself and that it probably still sounds like shit.

A band I discovered recently called Kamelot that I really like already. 

Jacob told me we are going to start getting more into songs, and that the mad picking exercises (though they're not going to be completely retired) won't be the main focus anymore. I'm excited to really get into songs because we really haven't focused on my random choice of pieces yet. He helped me pick out Erodomania. Cemetery Gates was my idea, as was Under a Glass Moon.. I never actually stressed Unforgiven as being important but it's one of the more recognizable songs I now know almost all the way through aside from the solo. All of the System of a Down music is completely obsolete because I wouldn't be able to get my new guitar down to that horrendously low tuning.

____________________________________________________

My friend John Regan recently told me about a band called Portal. They're sort of under the radar but I immediately really liked them.

So I'm trying to find a really good song for next Wednesday to really plow through and focus on the next couple weeks. I have all week to think about this I guess.

I finally told Jessika off for good yesterday morning; my Dad overheard from downstairs and laughed at how much of a skilled debater I can be. She called after I sent her my long rebuttal to her manic message she left on my phone. I had planned everything and shooting down all of her false accusations was easy because she said nearly everything I predicted her too. It was almost too easy and there's no use explaining it further, what's done is done.

Because I know exactly what this was. Jessika feels insecure about herself because she no longer feels she has some kind of control over me because I now have a self esteem. She's angry that I've done well in school, have my own hobbies, and don't need to seek the satisfaction of others approval of me when clearly she does.

Well, I suppose that's a lie. As humans we all look for approval from our peers, it's how we establish ourselves as members in society. I currently seek approval from the following people: Katelynn because she's my best friend and I want her to be satisfied in me as I would expect in her, Jacob because he's my teacher and I don't want to disappoint him or myself, my parents, my sister, Katharine... and that's pretty much it. Granted, I want people to think of me as a nice person, I want to have a good reputation.

Jessika on the other hand, her reputation is so bad that I can't stand being around her anymore. Someone like this would only bring me down, I need to start associating myself with more and more musicians so I can learn more. That's really all I want to do lately is play and bite my time, hang out with whoever I want too and stay safe. I've been learning so much random, probably useless information on Netflix.

Like I've been watching this TV series called Coal. It's about these guys that work underground getting out coal in the West Virginia mountains. It's really interesting to see how much pride men can take in their jobs, especially when it's known for being one of the most dangerous jobs in the country.

These two guys are actually the two of the best coal miners in West Virginia. Granted, society might see people like this and call them white trash but they're actually geniuses in what they do. Everyone has their thing that they take pride in and these guys are the greatest miners in the state of West Virginia, maybe even the whole country. It's sad to think, though, that in a job in the coal mines you could literally die in a split second at any point in the day. All it would take is a lose piece of sheet rock if the bolt faciners didn't do their job correctly and you'd be dead almost instantaneously.

Both of them are extremely relaxed in the situation they're in, even if they're in extremely flammable, unhealthy conditions. On top of that it's freezing cold, almost pitch black, you could get electrocuted at any time from the overly sensitive machinery used for excavating the coal.

The spirit and fearlessness of man is incredible. 

I think the West Virginia coal miners are f*cking nuts for going down there, but they're so determined to get a job done that they don't let the fear of death deter them.It's kind of hopeless, but if that gives them a purpose in life that's great.

peace.

You can't be something your not. Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me

My ego is so big and I think I'm soooo hot, just like Paris Hilton. Ha ha ha.

Jessika called a couple days ago freaking out and I didn't pick up her phone calls; for obvious reasons, one being I didn't want to deal with a manic girl and second because I was practicing. Last night when I was over at Katelynn's house I realized she'd left a message. Jessika left me a text saying "Did you get my voicemail?" and I listened to a five minute rant from her about how I've made her so upset and frustrated with me. Originally this was happening via text, but I'm sure she realized going into an argument with me via text is debate suicide because I'm much better at making my point via text than speaking.

To avoid any problems with getting my point across when I actually do speak to her, I wrote down all of my rebuttals. I'd post them here but that might be too personal, even for me; well that and I'd want no chance of her finding them. I take on arguments like a politician; quick, effective, direct. She gave me the time to prepare this as well as a RECORDING of how frantic she was acting about this, when really I did nothing to her at all. 

She's trying really hard to make me out like the bad guy that has been making snide comments and accusing her of being something she's not (i.e. "slut"). I've never called her a slut, but I did comment that she flirts a lot.  Because she does, she flirts blatantly with everyone. She told me on the way to Robert's party that she'd want somebody to flirt with, she always has to have that. I'm sorry if my party "Wasn't her crowd" because she didn't have some guy to flirt with and hang all over. She's gross, her reputation IS bad, people DO think she's a slut. I've witnessed how she works, she's ashamed of it, and now she's freaking out on me because she thinks I've discovered the truth about her. No, I've known all along. She's painfully easy to read. 

The honest root of all this is jealousy. The reason that I know this for a fact is that the better I get at the guitar and the more confident I feel about myself, the more cold and "angry" she gets with me. She's acting just as I did towards Katelynn in the 7th grade. That indicates a bad friend that doesn't actually want what's best for me, so I'm going to cut things off when we actually get a chance to talk. I'd like to get my point across though, and she can take it or leave it. 

Yesterday I had a really good day in town with Katelynn. I'm really broke so I probably shouldn't have spent the money to go out to eat. We went to Red Robin and got turkey burgers, this is me and Katelynn's favorite. She also ordered a hummus platter that was really freaking good. I feel like I've been so cheap around her lately with everything but it's because I've been so broke, it's embarrassing. My mom needs to pay me back, she still owes me $260.. that's like my entire last paycheck. My dad paid me back for the tuition money but I need to check and see if it got put into my bank account or what. 

I ended up sleeping on Katelynn's couch. I had anticipated maybe spending more time with Connor but he had to work all night.

I don't want to worry about money... not right this second anyway, it's 9:00 and I've probably got until 11:30 before anyone bothers me. Today's going to be another great day I think, got guitar lessons which is always a nice refresher. Might also be spending a little time at House. We'll see.

peace. 

My party! A quick overview.

Now that a day has passed and I feel more relaxed and restored, I can talktalktalktalk about everything that's happened. This blog might be broken up into a few entries, but I'll start with writing about my party.

The party had an incredible turnout. Throughout the night I'm pretty sure I got at least 30 people, and only a few people that RSVP'd as coming flaked out. All the people that I really wanted to come showed up though, including Robert, Tyler and Logan which was amazing considering the crowd that was there. Tyler doesn't like crowds much and has never really followed through with plans that I make, but times have changed I suppose!

Speaking of those guys, I got the incredible news that Chelsea and Robert are engaged. It was so funny when they announced it to us because Tyler, Logan and I already knew but we played it off like we didn't. I admit that Chelsea and I weren't necessarily besties in highschool, and I'm sure I said some things about her that weren't favorable to Robert a long time ago, but my opinions of her have changed a lot. She was totally cool at my party, she's really made Robert happy, they love eachother so much and I'm really excited for their wedding next May.

The party started at 8' PM, which means it was pretty light out when people started showing up. I had picked up Taylor M. because she didn't have a ride, then Katelynn and Alan showed up. There wasn't much setting up to do because my Mom had it covered, and my head was still sort of on backwards like it was at graduation. 

On the left is Tim. Jessika had showed up with him, having told him I was interested in a relationship and he came to hang out with me apparently. Jessika and Tim were being very reclusive. Tim had been excited to hang out with Katelynn and Alan as well, but that was cut short when Jessika decided to leave about 20 minutes after getting here to go smoke weed with Tim. She was angry at me and acting really rude to all of my guests and I had no idea why. I ended up texting her about it and she flipped out on me but that story is for another entry.

A picture of me, Logan and Tyler. Robert was originally in this I thought but he ducked out with Chelsea. He probably felt a little awkward and didn't want Chelsea to feel excluded. Chelsea would of been fine in the picture too, though! 

The ki-be drama kids started coming in around 9:30 pm. They certainly made it a party! They all had such a good energy because they were ready to have a good time. I set up the movie in the yard but everyone pretty much talked, hung out and munched the whole time. I was sort of unprepared for food because I was slightly broke. 

Here's me and Taylor. I unexpectedly jumped on his lap to take a picture. Every person that was there I made sure to make a point to tell them that I was glad they were there and made sure to give them a hug at some point in the night. Reason being, I have no idea when I will see any of these people again in my life. Not saying I don't guarantee I'll see Samantha, Shawn and those guys again.. haha I'm going to Sam's house tomorrow more than likely. But people like those in my Japanese class that I never really had much of a close relationship with outside of class, I really don't know. I'm sure I will go to other meet ups and such if there are some, but if not I hope they all have successful and happy lives. 

The Japanese club kids were the first ones to show up at 8:10-8:30 or so. I was happy they were so timely because I always get so worried about if people will show up or not. They hung out on the benches and chit chat for most of the time, so I was concerned they were bored but there was really nothing to worry about. A couple of them messaged me telling how much of a good time they had.

So yup, everything worked out as it should! Can't say I'm going to be having any more parties anytime soon because it's nearly impossible to have a great time at your own party without stressing out and over planning, but it was still an excellent closure to my time at CBC. 

peace. 

The idea of Purgatory, the afterlife, spirituality...

The party was so much fun, we had an excellent turnout, and I had really nothing to worry about. Graduation also went very well. It's 12:19 am, I've almost been playing my guitar nonstop since I got home at 3 pm, aside from some eating and a little exercise. I should really go to bed soon. I will talk about everything fun that happened yesterday tomorrow. . . Actually I have a LOT I want to talk about, I'd love to write out and highlight some of my old experiences the past couple years and reflect a bit. But not tonight. Instead I'm going to talk about something completely out of the ordinary.

I ended up getting hooked on this anime called Angel Beats. This is the first anime I've watched since Sailor Moon about a year ago. Anyway, it's about these highschool aged kids that are living in purgatory after living unfair lives and they're trying to maintain this existence fighting God. It's a really trippy and very sad idea for an anime series.

The idea of purgatory is very sad in general. If you don't know anything about it, it's an idea that isn't talked about much in the bible but is one of the many theories of what happens when someone dies. Basically, it's the idea that when you die, you go into an alternate reality that's not living nor dead. You're in this limbo; which in this anime is perceived as being a dreamlike impersonation of real life. The idea of purgatory can also be looked at as the idea that when you die your life "flashes before your eyes."

In this anime you have a cast of these real "humans," these kids that died and now they're in this purgatory world. The main character is a guy that doesn't know his name or how he died. These humans rebel against this Angel that hangs around trying to take them out of purgatory. I just think it's such an original idea. That, and the music in the anime is not bad at all. The animation itself is good too. Actually brought me to tears a little bit, twice.

This really made me think about purgatory though. Could it be real? Between Earth and Heaven is there a purgatory that we live in and live out all of what we dreamed of living on Earth? Or maybe purgatory would be just like a dream where you don't realize what is going on but get a better understanding of why things happened the way they did. Maybe you learn the truth of all the mysteries in your life. It's a theory I will hold onto as a valid possibility. I'm not a religious person but I like to be spiritual and ponder these things.

Because when you think about it, we all live our lives trying to fear the inevitable. We're all going to die. Every single person you see today will die someday. Everyone will experience horrible events in their lives at one point or another. You know you see these people that go completely apeshit on TV and blame it on the fact that they lost a loved one and spun out of control. Well, everyone in their life loses a loved one at one time or another. It's a sad thought but it's the truth and once I've faced that, I've found I live with much more peace and happiness in my life because I think about every day I'm alive.

I literally thank God for every day I live on this earth because I see how the rest of the world lives and I feel absolutely blessed. Everyone has problems. I have my fair share of problems but I really couldn't be happier with my life and where it's headed then right now. I've just gotta try to not somehow fall apart or burn out in the next couple years. Nope, don't see it happening.

Drugs are a huge fear of mine. And I mean hard drugs, like meth and heroin. I see how it takes ahold of people's lives and destroys them uncontrollably, and I worry that when people see marijuana they think it's the same thing. I'm not even kidding, there are some people that classify all drugs the same way because they're completely oblivious to the different types of drugs. That makes me sort of saddened that people might think less of me when they find out that I smoke, but there's nothing wrong with it I feel if you do it in the comfort of your own home.

But I'm not so worried about what people think of me as I am about somehow getting addicted to them. I know that's a stupid thing to worry about, like "Well then never do hard drugs." I don't plan on it, ever. I actually never intend to do anything "drugs" aside from pot. But people are manipulative. For people's safety I think it's important to know how not to be manipulated by others.

I'm going to bed, shoot. Completely unrelated to anything else on my mind lately.

peace.

Today really should be an exciting day.

Man, graduation day started out extremely shitty and it's barely 10:00 am. I got up at 7:30, knowing that I'd be blowing about a third of my savings to pay for Spring quarter. I tried to find some sort of proof that we actually had paid for some of my Spring tuition, but it looks like I unknowingly blew the entire thing. There was no proof of checks written to CBC from my Dad in April.

I posted a status about this. Another status about my distaste with how the financial aid system works and how minorities are "spoonfed" the money they need when the caucasions are expected to pay it in full. When I say "minorities" I was of course implying Hispanics. African Americans get financial aid as well, but not nearly as much. Asians and Indians (of India) of course get no easy aid because the school system knows that their culture knows the importance of a good education and would be willing to pay anything to get their kids ahead.

I feel that this is wrong, the way financial aid segregates people based on their race. I feel financial aid should be based on a students grades and how hard they work. Shouldn't that be who the state invests in? The students that get the best grades and therefore deserve to not have to live in this constant fear of their own family's finances? No. Because in order for our country to prosper, we have to supplement the education of the people that can't afford it because if the lower income households don't get that money, their kids won't go to college, then they could potentially cost our country more money in the long run. But because all the financial money is going to young welfare Moms, Hispanic people, and other low income households, where does this leave the caucasion middle ground? Fucked. Paying out thousands just to get by and forcing their parents to live paycheck to paycheck just to get their kids a decent education.

And these are families that did the "right" thing. Got married (no money for married couples). Got some sort of degree-- whether it be their bachelors or even some vocational degree. Maybe they don't have a degree at all but they make enough money to make it appear that they could support the thousands it takes to ge their kids through school. The amount that people make per year isn't nessasarily the most accurate indicator of how much money they have available to them. We've been getting by alright, but I'm certainly not going to be doing anything too fun like take any road trips or do any major splurges. Nope, gotta save up.

I had to give them $500 right out of pocket this morning. I got paid yesterday, so I had $600 in my checking and $1300 in my savings after this guitar expense that my Mom still hasn't helped me out with. I had told my Dad that because I knew he didn't want to pay for any more Japanese, I'd pay for half of it.That'd be $250, which was doable, just like my guitar was. Of course had I knew that I needed to pay for this I would have waited a couple weeks on the guitar.

..No, I couldn't of, that's a lie. I love that guitar like a baby now, seriously it's like my lifesaver right now because without it I'm pretty sure I would have gone stir crazy.

My mind is almost entirely off men again, Jack never made an effort to get ahold of me after my text message that essentially told him that he's dead to me. Wait, did I write about this? I've told almost all of my closest friends about this but I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my blog. This is definately significant enough to talk about though. I'm waiting for Katelynn to get back at me so I have a little time. We're going to run into town together. I really shouldn't be spending the gas money because I'm going to be as cheap as possible for the next two weeks but I have to buy it.

Anyway, yes, I finally told Jack that I'm completely done with his games and that I never want to talk to him again. It took me nearly a week of courage and waiting for any sort of contact with him before I actually did this, but when he didn't initiate anything I decided enough was enough and I was tired of waiting.

"....I've been like a book that you pick up again every time you break up with your girlfriends and don't even have the balls to admit it and that's whats driven me nuts. I am serious when I say I never want to talk to you again, you are dead to me now. Have a nice life."

This was the end of it. And I think that's the end of it, period. I mean four years of this, four years of him unknowingly torturing my emotions and playing with my head. Making me think that he ACTUALLY found me appealing, liked who I was as a person, thought I was beautiful.. etc etc. Nope, because if he found me beautiful, interesting and someone that he'd actually want to be with he would not play me like this. He's always treated me like I was second best to all these other bitches.

Katelynn was right when she said I would feel a lot better about it once it was over and I do. I feel numb again, repressed, alone. But I feel this is the way it's meant to be, and could be for a long time and I have to be patient. Katharine and Katelynn BOTH told me that I need to not let this happen again; not let some guy dick me around again and again and fall for it.

I just can't believe I somehow fell for it a third time. My mom had a lot to do with it because she was egging me on and asking me a lot of questions about it. She didn't tell me at all, "Emily, no, Jack's just doing this same bullshit that he always does... Stay away." I think Katharine tried, having questioned it IMMEDIATELY when I said that me and Jack were spending time together that day two weeks ago.



Man, it's already been two weeks, hasn't it? I guess time does ease the pain of this because I'm getting closer and closer to where I was before he started talking to me emotionally. I'd say it'll take another week of drowning out my emotions with guitar playing and spending time with people that I care about to not care anymore entirely, and he'll barely cross my mind if at all. I don't know how long it would take to get over someone, but I try to quantitate everything to ease my mind that No, even if this was the first time ever really having feelings for anyone, it won't be forever. In fact I like to think I'm fickle enough to be totally immune to most of these feelings, which is true....

I've just been so drained. The graduation ceremony is today but I don't have any enthusiasm about it at all anymore because of the money I had to spend. That and I'm practically starving because I didn't eat breakfast but I don't want to spend any money on food. I've got $90 in my checking account right now after the $500 deduction. I've got $1,200 in my savings account, which I feel is money I don't even really own because it's only for future expenses in college. $40 of that $90 is going to go to my safety blanket today, and the other$50 I am going to try to stretch as far as humanly possible for the next couple weeks until my Dad pays that money back.

shit, I'm too hungry to fast until I get home. I really don't want to spend any money at all but I have to or I'm afraid I'll get dizzy on the road or something. My mom doesn't understand why I do the things I do to save money but it's because I am 100% dedicated to making it so I don't have to rely on anyone in my future. I want to be 100% financially reliant on myself. I'm not going to be like the Hispanics and have the government pay for my school. I'm going to get a loan and have to suffer the consequences later. I'm not going to be like the entitlement culture that gets welfare money from the government or food stamps or reduced lunch for my kids or anything like that. The whole process makes me sick, so I will bust my ass so that I never have to deal with it. The first half of my college is done, that means I'm halfway to making my own decent money.

This is a huge step in the right direction for me, yet I don't feel very excited because I feel it's very insignificant and it's much too early to celebrate. It took me forever to get my AA... 3 years feels like way too long for CBC, and I almost feel humiliated about it.

But I'm DONE. That $500 is going to buy my degree today, my parents will pay some of it back eventually. My mom is now saying that she doesn't "owe" me any money even though she still promissed she'd give me $100 to help pay for my guitar plus the $40 to help pay for my lessons. I'm having a feeling she's not going to actually pay me for either now that the guitar's been paid for. Whatever, she doesn't have too. She needs to save her own damn money so my Dad will stop yelling.

peace.

Finally done with CBC, yessss,

Sorry about my negative attitude yesterday. Guess I was just stressed out and sad.

I'm feeling a lot better today though because I'm DONE with CBC! Officially done, I've got my AA and I'm well on my way out of here. I'm pretty proud of myself. I'm sure I got a 4.0 in Japanese, which could potentially push up my GPA a tiny bit further too.... OH WHAT THE HELL, there's a block on my transcript!! Damn it, damn it I thought I was done with your bullcrap CBC. I'll have to call my mom to call them and get things figured out because I've got work. She won't be happy about it but oh well, this is supposedly her job at Ki-Be is to help kids go to college, why can't she help me.

Graduation is tomorrow at 7. I'm going to meet up with Delaney R. at 5:30 and we have to be by the Zamboni entrance by 6:30. I have no idea where the zamboni entrance is but I'm sure we'll figure it out with hundreds of people waiting there. We're both honors so I assume we'll be sitting in the same section anyway.

I've got a couple more hours until work. The Japanese final was pretty easy so I have a little extra time. I'm extremely awake right now because I took caffiene and brokaid this morning for the first time this week. I hardly take Bronkaid anymore because I only really need it on Thursdays when I have school and then my closing shift. It creates a long day. Luckily today is freight day, which means I'll be pretty preoccupied. I'm wearing my blue t-shirt instead of the Rite aid polo, and if anyone has anything to say about it I'll gladly say that they need to tell Shelby the same thing. She wears a sparkly V-neck blue shirt to work.

Iconoclast, the CD I've been listening to practically nonstop all week. I can't believe how into progressive metal I've become, I hardly liked it when I first got into it...

Jacob got on my ass yesterday about something. He was sort of impressed by the work I'd been putting into Cemetary gates and To Tame a Land, but he was really irritated that I hadn't been using my amp. He asked if I had been using it and I said, "Eh.... no..." and he told me that I HAVE to use it when I practice electric. I figured this was true but I guess for a long time I was scared to use my amp because I was afraid of hearing myself suck.

That being said, from this day forth, whenever I practice my pieces I will always use an amp. Just using the guitar enables me to believe everything sounds perfectly clean. The second I turn on the amp though, there's about twenty other things I have to worry about... is it too loud? Is the gain high enough? How am I going to manage turning the gain down when I play that verse? Why the f*ck do I sound so muddy? But it's just going to be another thing I conquor with this. The ability to play with an amp is huge with the electric guitar, obviously, because how else are people going to hear me? Plus, once I get the amp settings on my baby amp down I'll be able to invest in a bigger amp and really start shredding.

I'm stoked for Jacob, though. I guess his lessons are almost completely full and he's got 14 new students since he got his own place. His "place" is essentially a small room with two chairs, his amp, his acoustic guitar, and a fan. That's it. But it totally serves it's purpose; he's probably making way more money than he has to pay to rent the place, and he doesn't have to deal with the lameasses at Music Unlimited. I'm wonderng if he's going to paint the place or keep it as is until he makes enough money to move again. Shouldn't even be too long, I think he said he was making $10,000 a month or something crazy like that. Someday I hope I can be as good as he is now and teach people myself. That's a lonnnnng way down the road though.

Here's this last week's practice minutes:

June 6, 170 min

June 7, 147 min

June 8, 242 min (when Skyler came over)

June 9, 164 min

June 10, 80 min (rest day)

June 11, 203 min

June 12, 175 min

Total: 1181 min

This week I am pretty much retiring the 2 string arpeggio packet (cutting it down to 10 minutes a week, and having it be the last priority). I told Jacob this and he disagreed, saying 3 string arpeggios are 6x as hard as the 2 string. I've played the hell out of those 2 string exercises though... I'll keep messing with them here and there for the next week but by next Wednesday I really hope I can get the 3-string packet. I'm replacing that time with a strum packet that I requested. I suck at strumming so I want to get better at those (even if it's something we previously skipped).

Why I'd stress strumming so much.... I don't want someone that just knows chords to have a 1 up on me because I'm not very good at them. I memorized all the basic chords and their names about a month ago and retired that packet but I realized when I was playing with my friend Dylan Nevard that I can't strum worth anything. It's a simple enough skill but it's always been hard for me to get that kind of rhythm.

It's almost 12:30... work starts in an hour and a half. I should stop writing now, lets hope work goes smoothly and quickly.

peace.

Confirming registration with Central is now harder to swallow

I'm having a feeling CWU is going to be really gay, and I'm wondering if I'm making the right decision. Well, it's the easiest decision because it's less expensive than Western, I won't be moving eight hours, Western is pretty much entirely out of the question. But am I excited to go to Central? No. I was never excited about this stupid school in the first place and had no intention of going there until I realized how expensive Western would be. It kind of depresses me that I'm going to be going there. Western seemed like so much more of an exciting experience... Central just seems like, meh, whatever.

Oh well, it's pretty much what I'm stuck with. I promissed my parents I'd give it a year. The website makes it look so lame there though, I'm not excited at all. The only thing I'm excited to about is to get away from my job at Rite Aid. I don't really have any friends at Central, and I fear being isolated because I might not even get into the housing.

Fuck, I'm trying to figure out how to get this stupid deposit in for my confirmation. No matter how much I smoke I don't have any desire to do this, and days keep going by and I've been scared to take care of it. I don't want to confirm that I want to go there because the truth is that I don't, but I have no other choice. Shit, what did I do, my parents are now so stoked that I'm going to Central but I'm not happy about it at all. I just need to stop being so selfish and realize that my happiness doesn't matter and all that REALLY matters is that I get my degree so I can make my own money. If I moved much further it would be far too expensive and I'd be in way too much debt to feel happy elsewhere.

Maybe I'm not depressed about the Central thing at all, but I'm just tired, angry and lonely. No particular reason, aside from the general frustration from earlier in the week. I spent the afternoon with Samantha, we had a nice time cleaning and hanging out. I couldn't believe how filthy House was when we walked in, so I wanted to help out. Shawn and Sam's previous tension that I was used to seemed nonexistant, like now that they're living together their relationship seems much healthier. Ironic, you think it would be the other way around in most cases. I don't know.

I feel suffocated when I think about school. Western looks really neat but the truth of the matter is that I know hardly anything about it. I have not done ANY research on colleges since I graduated highschool and attended CBC. I pretty much just did what they told me, and carefully choose the classes I needed at CBC to get my degree there. I haven't, however, really looked into any universities. Probably because I'm not interested and the whole idea scares the shit out of me. . . the intimidation keeps me naive to actually doing any research on where I'm planning on going.

So yeah, no, not excited at all for Central. I'll say that here and now so I can look back on this and see if my opinions change of the place. But I'm not a catholic enough for Gonzaga, WSU is atrociously nasty, Western is way to far and rainy and Eastern is in my least favorite city in Washington. Central really is my only opinion, even if it seems boring as Hell there and I'll only be a short drive from home. I've just gotta try to make the best out of it I guess.

I just tried getting my confirmation fee in but the website is so confusing that I had a very hard time with it. The website interface makes absolutely no sense navigation wise and I simply don't have the patience to deal with any of it tonight. I hope that next time I try to do this I won't have such a shitty attitude but the stress of this makes me cringe.

My head is spinning; so many emotions tonight... stress, pain, loneliness, anxiousness, fear, shame, regret... it's all eating at my insides. My body is literally in pain from all the exercising I've been doing. The exercise helps me clear my head like the guitar does. I feel like this last week of depression has caused my health to deteriorate a bit and I feel like shit today. I feel such a hole in my overall wellbeing. Nothing feels right even if I'm literally doing all I can to make myself a better person and keep a better outlook on life.

I don't know what to do or why I feel this way. But I've gotta study my Japanese or i'm gonna fail my final tomorrow.

peace.