Week so hard I didn't want to write

I haven't written in six days because I've either been completely exhausted or puking my guts out.

Seriously though, I got so sick a couple days ago. Luckily I didn't have work that day but I am still feeling the aftershock of it and it sort of sucked my energy out today. JCpenny has not been easy for me to work at because I've felt really stupid the last couple days... their register is kind of difficult and there are soo many things that customers need besides just buying the damn clothes. It makes me miss Rite Aid.

All my coworkers are pretty nice. They've been extremely accommodating to this learning curve. I never feel like I'm doing things correctly unless I've mastered it so it's been very uncomfortable for me using the register for the past few days. I've felt really panicked and horrible... I'm planning on writing myself a cheat sheet so I won't have to be as stressed out on Tuesday.

My back has been killing me. I can hardly remember anyone's names that I've met in the past week but they're all seeming to try to get to know me and be super friendly. I generally don't give people an inch about my personal life in the work place... but because I'm working with all of these people that are around my age I've felt like I've needed to be more talkative... It's been really hard. I'm usually really confident but it's hard to not think people are judging me when I'm fucking up.

I've cried a lot the past couple days. I mean for one thing I was completely unable to sleep the other night and wasn't able to sleep again until the next day at 9:00 pm. I think I hate my job right now and it's freaking me out because I'm going to be there the rest of the summer and I have to figure a bunch of stuff out or it's going to be miserable. 

It's going to take awhile to get the hang of working there, that's all I'm going to say. I know what I've written is pretty vague but I don't want to go into individual scenarios because I don't even want to think about it. I mean I need this job obviously and I'm going to do everything I can to figure it out but I just hate it right now and want to quit.

But I can't. I'm stuck. I know I don't have enough motivation to go out and find another job. I also know that it's how difficult it would be to get an employer to take me on when I'm moving in two months.

Alright I'm going to play guitar. Today's been awful.

peace.

Lol look it's Miranda's nazi cousin Franz.

Another all day shred session.. yawn

Sup?

Tomorrow I start work. 12:00 pm for a 4 hour shift to get trained on how to do things.

Excellent. I wouldn't care if tomorrow I was starting a shift at Wal mart pushing carts around as long as I'm getting some hours because it's the truth. Being broke has been such a b*tch all summer I seriously wouldn't care at this point... I mean as long as I'm not a stripper or dressed like the statue of liberty waving signs in the road or something. There's two jobs I would never do, ha ha ha.

Yesterday was bad because I was really emotional and it was bothering me. I haven't been smoking because I'm broke so that's made it a bit harder to get through the day without just wanting to say f*ck it and go back to bed for a couple hours. All this rest the past few days has actually been helping my lower back heal a lot. I'm beginning to think that's why I've been so tired and unmotivated is the back pain but I think it's going to be completely painless by tomorrow.

Yesterday I did play my guitar for over three hours which was awesome. I can feel myself improving so much lately because I've had nothing else to really focus on. I've been really trying to correct some picking habits as well as started a couple other songs that I've been making quick progress on. I'm going to give Jake little samples of each song that I'm learning tomorrow so we can make the decision on what to focus most on. I'm pretty sure I'm still doing master of puppets, which is going surprisingly well.

Today I'm going to continue to work on that and my other pieces and should have a peaceful day. New things are ahead tomorrow so I'm excited about that.

Really all I have to say.

peace.

Some random fun. weird body aches. New recital piece

Yo.

The last few days have been pretty good. I hung out with Ashleigh E. and we ended up going to this bar called the Parkade for their karaoke night. Ha ha you know me I don't sing but I still had a good time getting drunk and hanging out with them. We went to Denny's afterward and I ended up eating half a grand slam and getting sick shortly after. I did not wake up with a hangover though which was a plus... but I was freaking exhausted most of the day. Not that it matters, STILL NOT WORKING....

I called JCpennies today and talked to Katelynn's manager Thomas about the non-responsiveness from my employing manager and hoping to get some answers on when I could expect to start work. He told me that Amy is working and he would write down my name and number to make sure she calls me back in a couple of hours. She didn't. What the Hell, seriously. I would have gone to the business by now if it wasn't for my gas money situation. Ugh this whole month of being broke has been the pits in some ways but I've been getting REALLY good practice time in.

Jake and I had a really good lesson yesterday and he convinced me to play master of puppets in the recital. I showed him a couple songs I had printed-- Gone away by the Offspring and a Favor House Atlantic by Coheed and Cambria. He doesn't really like Coheed and the Offspring is supposedly a piece of cake skill wise and wouldn't really showcase how far I've come. So Metallica it is. It's a freaking epic song and I'm willing to take the challenge.

Tomorrow is going to be a really busy day because I'm going to Shavonne's wedding and might be going to the movies later that night. My sister's boyfriend Jimmy apparently knows this guy that invited him to a movie (yes, invited Jimmy to a movie) recently and asked if I wanted to go so that it wouldn't be as awkward with three people. This guy is really cute and I added him on facebook but haven't actually heard from him yet. Still, if this works out it'll be cool to meet him.

Tonight I got invited to go to a club with Ashleigh and a few other people and since I've already got my practice time in I figure why not. Might as well have some fun before I get worn out with work.. which I'm praying is soon.

I don't really know what my deal is but lately by body has been aching really bad. I think it might be going through some kind of shock from the medication so I'm a little sore and could be for awhile. I've been feeling kind of bloated and my lower back has been very sore. I actually have been wearing a heating pad all day and took a long nap hoping it would go away. Going to take my second shower here in a minute.

peace.

This week has been my real vacation

I hate being broke.

This morning I called Rite aid and apparently my drug tests haven't come in yet. Fabulous. I wasn't able to get ahold of Amy at Jcpennies either but I did leave a voicemail message that sounded pretty good. I want to start working so bad because I've been kind of stuck at home. My days have consisted of a lot of sims and practicing guitar lately.

A couple evenings ago I got invited to go to a party at Raquel D.'s and Travis's house where I've never been before. Brian Q. invited me and I was like sure, why the hell not, ha ha-- don't really know any of these people but hey, felt like getting kind of drunk. It wasn't a bad time. I think I was friendly, but being off my medication for a few days and drinking was a weird combination.

I did see the doctor yesterday and I'm happy to be back on my medication again. I feel like my mind has been going through the shock of it being back in my system so I've been sleeping a lot the past couple days. I don't feel stressed out or bad about anything which is a good feeling.

I honestly feel like I could give a f**k about a lot of things right now. I feel like I'm finally over Jack... This last girl just really broke the camel's back for me. The fact that we were close for a couple days and then BAM, he's got this new girl and he's posting pictures with her continually.... It's just immature and I'm done with it. I feel like all of this emotion has just been complete waste over the years because he doesn't actually care about me at all. It's all just about what he wants in that current moment.

So the only reason Jack came into my life after all was really just to motivate me to play guitar. I feel like I can now accept this and move on. I've said this time and time again but this time I'm serious. I don't want him back around in my life because my trust is entirely gone and I don't think I could ever take anything he says seriously again so there's no point.


okay moving on....

After this I'm going to watch Bob's burgers and practice guitar.

Some of the things they say in this show are like "Oh my God I can't believe they just said that..." like it does kind of push your comfort level even for a cartoon-- Not as grotesque as Drawn Together, but some of the dialogue is like woah, awkward. Still, I've totally enjoyed this show the past few days and it's kept me entertained while I've been not working. This week has been my vacation of doing nothing really, it's been nice. I feel like when I do start working I'll be really refreshed and ready to go. 

Me right now. Not a very glamorous day as you can see. This is after a three hour nap. Ha ha my bedroom is so gloomy.

peace.

New job and buying junk out of boredom

Well I've got some good news, guys.

For those of you that don't know already I got the job at JCpennies so that'll be starting here in a week or so. I'm really hoping both of my jobs will start soon because I am bone broke. Still haven't gotten word back from Rite aid about the drug test or when I'd be starting so hopefully that's around the corner as well.

I went to the mall with Katelynn yesterday and spent a bunch of money on stuff I probably didn't really need, like a new bra, an eyeshadow palette from Sephora and a ton of jewelry at Claires for their 10 for $10 sale. If I was smart about how I spent my money I would have bought some black slacks for work... nope!

Whatever, things like this really add a little extra joy to my day...

Onigiri earrings. I have a bunch of little sushi earrings with smileys on them like this and I look forward to wearing them to work. Sort of a blast from the past for me, but what the hell they were a dollar.

I've been off Prozac because I've been unable to get my prescription refilled without meeting with my doctor. I'm going to my appointment on Monday at 9:15. Prozac has really worked for me so it's irritating to not have it for the weekend because I will inevitably be feeling lethargic and headachey... like today I slept about 4 hours after I'd eaten breakfast, what a waste! Regardless of this I've been feeling pretty good the last couple days because of my recent success in getting the job so I'm just hoping to kick back this weekend and not worry about anything. 

But yeah haven't been up to much aside from working on getting my job, playing a ton of guitar and hanging out at home. I feel pretty content lately, and for that reason don't have much to say. Goodnight all.

peace. 

Seeing things more optimistically

I try anyway.

Well right now I'm in the process of probably killing my poor computer again by downloading the Sims 2. I just got a new hard drive with higher capacity so I have noticed that it is running faster now then it did before.  That could be kind of short lived if I start in with the Sims junk, but whatever I'm going to enjoy my computer. This game is from what, 2006? It should be easy to download and play without problems. I'm in the process of creating a whole new town with new residents (which are always quite accurate if I do say so myself). I've got to be careful with the downloading custom content because that's what always leads to problems. Trusted sources only.

Today's been a pretty productive day, but there is no telling how this will turn out.... I went to rite aid this morning to talk to my manager and she got me set up in the computer. I can't remember her name, but I do know she's from Toronto, Canada and likes math. I already like her more than I initially liked Dana to be honest with you. Dana was always kind of feisty but I never had any real issues with her. Anyway, got into Rite Aid, met up with her.. She told me that I needed my drivers license and social security card to scan in the computer before going to get my drug test. Alright, no problems, those two things are always in my wallet, right...? NOPE. Had to run home and get the card, I knew exactly where it was too because I had just applied to JCPennies yesterday. Dad's office. If it would have been on my bedroom counter I would have spotted it this morning and wouldn't of had to make the extra trip but hey, whatevvvvver.

Coming home did give me a chance to deliver my Mom's cell phone back to her office and give my sister the debit card to go grocery shopping. I'd told her this morning that I was planning to go even though I didn't want to and my sister was like "No I'M going grocery shopping, I always do." I'm like Hey, no problems!! ha ha, sooner I could get done with my drug test the sooner I could get home and practice my guitar and enjoy a little relaxation.



Yesterday I played tennis with this guy named Lois that I've never mentioned. My mom has says numerous times that he's chill and I had heard that he was really athletic so I invited him to play tennis with me yesterday. This was of course after some brief conversation about guitar and some other things. He just graduated but he's 19. Anyway it was chill hanging out with him and like I expected he picked up tennis immediately. Some people are just good at sports in general and I was dying to get out and play yesterday.

My a** hurts... and my calves. Tennis is pretty strenuous on the body but I had a blast playing yesterday. Lois and I played a few games but didn't even finish a whole match because we both got tired. But yeah I'd never even met him before, I mean obviously because he was in my sister's graduating class and that seemed a lot younger than me but as I've gotten older I've stopped worrying about it. I'm very non-discriminatory about who I talk to and hang out with as long as they're not dangerous or very stupid.

That's all I have to say, really. Hopefully the test went well... I really do enjoy my job and what I do in my personal time should not dictate my position in the working world. I am a very hard working, honest, responsible person that gets shit done and that's what employers want. If this doesn't go well I'll have to keep looking.

peace.

First days of summer has been pretty tough.

This one's gonna have a lot of curse words, guys. It's been a rough weekend, honestly.

Here's me in the living room pretty shortly after we'd got back from dinner. I'd packed all those boxes in the background but most of them we had to repack because I did a very crappy, rushed job without even realizing it. Ha ha, great pic though, damn look at those nice forearms..

I called my mom a couple days ago at 3 pm when I thought I had nearly everything packed and suddenly she said she was coming. It was a ton of work to get my apartment emptied out and cleaned, but I was definitely more than ready to go when we did. Now that I'm home I still have a lot on my mind.

When my mom came up to help me back the other night I suddenly kind of broke down about the emotions that I'd been feeling this weekend.

I mean don't get me wrong, my mom and I were having an awesome time hanging out together, especially with my roommate not around so I could be a little more like my old loud self.

Around midnight I went on facebook and made the worst mistake-- looked on Jack's facebook because my mom and I had been talking about him. F*cking Jack of course is hanging out with some girl right now, and OF COURSE there has to be pictures!!! He's always getting tagged in these photos hanging out with girls and having his arm around them and like she's the new sliced bread. It's the dumbest thing and just hurts me because it's these girls have nothing on me-- I'm extremely smart, I'm becoming a very skilled guitar player, I'm in the best shape of my life, I have a great sense of humor, I'm compassionate, I'm pretty, I'm on my way to being successful.. And apparently this just isn't enough for him and nothing ever is which makes it really f*cked for me that I still have feelings for him when clearly he's never appreciated me who I am at all.

Jacob always, always tells me just not to worry about it. He tells me that I don't need it and that if I just funnel all of my energy into self improvement and what's important.... I know that he's right and I do, every day is a new day of work for me. It doesn't matter if it's a day off school or I have plans or whatever I have to play my guitar and get things done like study or clean or I feel like I've wasted that day.

I realize that the fact of the matter is that I've easily been able to shut things out of my mind when I had a ton of responsibilities at school but now that I'm home with an entire summer lying ahead I need to make some responsibilities... I just need to keep creating daily goals and things to work on to keep myself preoccupied and I'll be okay, it's just been a hard weekend for me. I mean the moving process, being stressed about getting this job, being behind on my guitar lesson payments, being broke, feeling kind of lonely because I left school and I don't know how many of those people I will see again...

Transitions man, I'm in one right now and I'm just trying to ease my mind. I definitely feel a lot better now that I've written but I am still going to meditate, pray and play my DS for a bit to further calm my mind. I just let my emotions kind of overcome my mind today. These kind of emotions are completely useless and I am proud of myself for getting to the point where I rarely feel this way anymore unless something really stressful is going on and I feel kind of lost and emotionally overwhelmed where I would LIKE to have someone to feel cares about me and wants to spend time with me and that I like back. I want someone to understand me and appreciate me for everything that I am.. Not today, it's still not my turn and fate says I'm not ready yet so
I just have to keep working until that day comes.

peace.

. 

Running on absolute E....

I'm so f**king tired... of everything.

 I am considering just moving out tomorrow instead of waiting the rest of the weekend. There's just been nothing going on since I finished finals, Terry hasn't talked to me since. Maybe the fact that I told him that I liked him threw him off. Again I don't really fing care at this point, I waited all quarter for his ass to be up front with me but he just can't. He pretty much used me as a study tool all quarter. We spent maybe three evenings together that didn't include preparing for some test... So that's 3 out of the probably more than 10 times I've spent time with him just us this quarter. It was a very confusing situation indeed.

Kristin is with her parents and they GUTTED this apartment... I mean spotlessly clean. I have no idea why when I'm not even moving out yet, but of course she wouldn't know that because we don't talk. I just want her to get out of here so I can get on with my day but I haven't been able to take a shower or anything because they've been occupying the place.

I hate getting my guitar worked on, especially in the tri cities because I have to drive all the way to the ugly part of Kennewick twice (so that's  about $12 gasoline right there) and almost always have to spend around $30.... it's just annoying, somewhat routine and expensive. 

So I'm grubby and really hungry right now... I haven't even played my guitar because Jake commented last night about how bad the tone sounds on my instrument right now (which means I'm going to switch to acoustic for awhile again, damn it). The bridge needs to get re-set or something-- I don't really know, some work that probably costs $30 which I don't have right now. I feel really useless not having anything to study. I haven't even drank coffee this morning. My routines have been completely f'ed up and I'm feeling very panicky and weird. Haven't felt that way in awhile.

Uhhh let's see, most of the foreign exchanged students are leaving today, there goes about half the people I've met here if not more and I'll probably never see them again. That's hard.

I don't know, I think transitional periods are hard for me in general... Like when I finished my classes there was a part of me that was kind of sad that I'm done with my third year of college. Yet at the same time I've still got a year and a half to go.. then probably grad school to get a law degree to be able to move up in big corporations. So I've got a lot to do, it's not like I've reached this giant milestone.

Still... I look around at this place that I've lived in for the past eight months and think about how much I've changed this year and what next year will hold. I feel like my social life sort of lacked this year in a lot of ways because it had to be because I worked extremely hard and knew that my body-mind couldn't juggle partying and going to school very well. Maybe I should have tried harder to make friends here and get to know people.

I didn't really do anything in the actual town of ellensburg, aside from go to the bars a few times when I got invited with a group of people. I didn't bother going to any of the shops in this town because they're kind of boutique-y and that's never been my thing. I'm usually more about convenience then leisure shopping so I really only shopped at Fred Meyer and when I'd go home on the weekends.

I got way better at the guitar these past eight months, even if my hours don't compare to what they were last summer I can feel myself becoming much more free and confident with my playing ability.

Okay I stopped hearing voices.... I think my roommate and her family might be gone. I'm going to take a shower and clean up, maybe put on a little makeup just to make myself feel more alive. Then I'll just continue packing until something comes up (if it does). If not I will be leaving first thing tomorrow morning.

peace.

Why me living in a house with two other girls is a bad idea

It's only 11:30 am and I've already had a lot to think about today....

I haven't eaten breakfast aside from an apple. It's almost lunch time... ugh, there's no cereal. There's enough stuff on hand to keep me going for the next few days, I'm just going to gradually start getting creative again because I don't want to spend the last of my cash on food.. especially when realistically there's so much around here. I think of people from poorer countries that have to make due with next to nothing.

Allie contacted me this morning about whether or not I'd like to live in a house with her friend next year. I don't know, as fun as that sounds I don't think that could be the right choice for me. Here's the pros versus cons of living off campus for me:

Pros:

-Live with someone that I sort of know that will talk to me versus potentially get the situation like I did with Kristin this year.... 

-Probably be forced to do more social things

Cons:

-Obvious fees and bills versus hidden fees at school.Have to pay $425 out of pocket each month. Granted my parents would probably still help me with this but because this is a monthly thing versus a lump sum on a loan it's much more obvious of a fee that I'd have to deal with my Dad on. As it is I hate asking for the money for my guitar lessons-- which would pretty much be guaranteed out the window if I'm already asking for rent. 

-It would be FURTHER... It would be on this road that is down the road from student village... which would mean an even further ride to Shaw. All of my classes, all year are likely to be in that same building. I go back and forth between my apartment between classes to munch, smoke, etc... Do what I need to do to unwind and prepare myself for the upcoming class. It would be too much of a bikeride for me to go back and forth to a house. 

-More to clean. When you live with one other person you are forced to clean up after yourself because your roommate can easily point a finger at you. If you're living with two other people and one of them leaves a mess then you're pretty much stuck cleaning it up to cook for yourself. A house is just more of a burden to clean up than an apartment in general. 

This is what I liked to escape when I moved out from my family's house, I'm always having to clean up after my Dad and sister's food messes that don't bother them as much as it bothers me. 

-I prefer being alone most of the time. Which kind of made the fact that Kristin hated me nice. I've realized that there's a time for friends/family and a time to be alone... and most of my time is spent alone and that's how I like it. The amount that I study and practice guitar is absurd and if it's too loud or messy for me to do that there's nothing quicker to set me off. 

Damn I'm experiencing a sugar crash from eating a waffle... I need to go make some food.

peace. 

-

Good day ended with good BBQ

I've been feeling pretty good about my stats test that I took this afternoon.. I mean I did such an absurd amount of studying on it there's no reason that I shouldn't do at least better than my third test (66%...). I automatically had 20% of the points when I started taking the test because of an excel assignment that he added as an optional bonus. That cut down the initial stress quite a bit.

Sipic offered to meet with me to redo my schedule for a THIRD time... Lol I just crack up at how helpful he's been because I've been figuring a lot of stuff out this quarter. I have to do the paperwork for my finance major and mix up my class order so that I'm taking classes for both majors until this upcoming winter or so. I'm so excited about my classes next year, this year has definitely been an indication that this is the right choice for me.

Tomorrow I have no class which is nice but I'll be spending a good deal of it reading my economics book. Terry and I will study tomorrow more than likely, it'll be our last session for this quarter. We've both worked extremely hard. I don't know if I told you guys this but yesterday I actually told him I liked him. He came over to work on the stats lab (we weren't able to get very far on it working together) but really all he did was sit there and crack jokes and give me sh*t because he didn't know what he was doing apparently.

Bradley C. BBQ'd a bunch of meat and invited me to come hang out with them. I had actually just gotten up from a nap and I was super hungry so that was nice. I wolfed down a hamburger and a bratwurst really fast.. I don't know I think I might be slightly iron deficient because I haven't been cooking steak for myself at my apartment anymore...Anyway it was super sweet of him to have me. I also had a slice of watermelon that really hit the spot too. I was super thankful, I did not want to cook tonight what so ever and felt lucky. 

ouch, my left wrist is really sore tonight, I better stop typing.

peace. 

Slacked for the weekend to brace for what's ahead

Wow, today was supposed to be my big statistics study day. You know how much studying I've actually accomplished so far? Nothing. I spent all weekend hanging out at home doing nothing but hang out with family and get things ready for the upcoming week. Today I did a pretty good amount of cleaning and packing and my room looks a LOT less cluttered than it did this morning.

Here's a picture of me and Ting at Bruce's birthday party this weekend. I really did have a fun weekend, between that party and getting a chance to go home and spend a little time at my sister's senior party. I don't know if I mentioned to you guys that I missed my sister's graduation but I did. Honestly it was because I had partied the previous night and didn't get much sleep. It was so much fun and I was lucky enough to not get a hangover. Ting was drinking the same amount that I was and got pretty sick so I was probably up until 3 or 4 am making sure she was gonna sleep in the bed I'd laid out for her versus next to the toilet seat...

Lol poor thing, I felt bad when she got so sick and I wasn't because she was drinking everything that I was having but I had a big meal beforehand and that night I ordered garlic bread at the palace.

Ting didn't go to the palace. I met her at Starlight and we hung out the rest of the time. She has taken Russian with some of Bruce's friends (namely Kylea) and she is planning to study in Russia next year. This kind of made me disappointed... Here I made this friend and she's not going to be at Central for a year. Granted I will be here in Fall 2015 when she comes back (I will be in my final quarter or second to last) so we will get some time to hang out again regardless but it'll be more than a year.

(Well Ting scratched her own face out in this one.... alrighty then ha ha)

Bruce's party this time was sort of different from the last one because we all got pretty drunk before going over to his house and by the time that happened I was too lazy to play any games. It was a hell of a fun time though, like last time. Kylea (left) is fun to party with. She's really genuinely nice, not embarrassed of anything.. She's been one of my favorite people I've met this year. 

Wow, yeah it's already 3 pm. My goal today is to do three hours of statistics and 1 hour of guitar to feel better about not doing anything productive this weekend. It's definitely do-able. 

Tomorrow I have my Stats final at 10 am. I keep on meditating on being confident in this material and I hope that it'll further solidify in my mind today. 

peace.

Summer clothes!!

Hey everyone, I apologize for not writing for awhile.. I've been somewhat busy tying some lose ends before I come home.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch at home with my makeup on. I'm going to go into town into a little while to meet my manager at rite aid and do some shopping. There's a lot of things that I should buy at the mall with this money that my Dad gave me but he told me explicitly to spend it in one day on whatever I want so in this case that'd be clothes.

I want cute, colorful, formfitted tops. 

I'm going to go alone. I've really wanted to go for awhile now but haven't had a chance. So yeah, gonna do that and I'll probably take a picture of my haul later. I'm going to see how far I can stretch $65 cash on NEW summer clothes.. probably not too much, I could get a much better haul at Plato's closet but I feel like getting some new things.

peace.