Isn't that a lovely picture... That's my nightly glass of wine in my hand. 

That's me after being exhausted all day but still managing to get as much work done as possible.. Like I woke up tired after not being about to sleep well last night and was yawning all day. Somehow I still had the ability to practice guitar for two hours, study my economics for a solid hour, get my finite homework done and I've still got time to get a little of my English done before bed. 

I was so tempted to go to sleep all day but even when I laid down in bed my mind wouldn't let me. I prayed last night that I would have the patience to get a bunch of work done today and I feel like that prayer was answered. Ha ha, I'll probably pray the same thing tonight because tomorrow is going to be just as heavy of a work load. 

I'm still keeping up with my finite math homework even if it's getting into what the professor said is the "hardest part of the quarter." I've got the combination/permutation formulas down but I'm having a hard time distinguishing when to use each. I'm hoping it'll be painfully obvious on the word problems on the test. Knowing the professor it will be. He's so cool, he assigns specific problems to look at before taking the weekly tests so as long as I study those I should be fine. 

My econ test on Friday has me sort of stressed out because it's the first big exam but I've studied the material pretty well, I mean I really seem to be getting it in class but the application of the formulas and graphs usually gets me. I would go to tutoring tomorrow but I've got lessons with Jake so I'm on my own. That's fine, with all the work I've put into my classes this week and the lack of emotional turmoil from prozac I feel I can conquer most things. 

I texted Gerardo once today, pretty much just saying I hope his day's been good and that I've been really busy with studying. It's crazy, we text eachother in Spanish-- which is how we're getting to know eachother and honestly it's working just fine. I'd like to hope I'm picking up some speaking ability from doing this. He works 5 days a week at a really physically taxing job.. He's like a groundskeeper for this huge piece of property here in Ellensburg and he's lived here for a year working there (no puedo nunca...lol). He only has saturdays and sundays off. He'll probably want to party Saturday so I'm wondering if I'll get to see him. I didn't feel *super* comfortable at that party last weekend, for obvious reasons, but I'm sure we'll see eachother this weekend at some point. 

So regardless of our interesting, almost comical circumstances we still like eachother and I'm just enjoying my time going with the flow with this. Ha ha, at least he's not Japanese or something, then I'd have a real problem. I can't communicate in Japanese hardly at all. I've somehow held onto a good amount of Spanish though and I'm going to try and learn more every day. 

peace. 

PROZAC and getting out more.

Estoy muy contento.

Haven't had a panic attack all weekend. Thursday I drove home for a doctor's appointment and saw the same doctor that prescribed me the Lorazapam so he knew exactly what was up. For the past couple weeks I found myself crying every day for one reason or another, felt myself continually spiraling into panic attacks... It was absolute Hell and slipping into deeper and deeper depression. I didn't have to explain much to my doctor, he believed me without question. In our last appointment he told me I should stop smoking to curb my anxiety. I was happy to tell him I had stopped completely. Maybe he had a harder time believing that, ha ha.

Prozac is an anti-anxiety medication that also is meant to help with a number of other things such as insomnia, depression and... Bulimia for some reason. I didn't really get that one, I hope that means it helps with nausea because with my anxiety I sometimes get nausea really bad and it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't gone through any of that in the past few days though.

Granted I am still taking Lorazapam every so often. I'm cutting back on that though and I'm happy I am when I did. Lorazapam is definitely habit forming because it's a rapid release drug so you feel like you need one every 3-4 hours. I didn't like that because even if I felt normal when I was taking it, I was always nervous that it'd wear off at a time when I need it most. That's why I'd always take it before my classes but then I'd get home and feel like I wanted to go to bed because I didn't want to deal with anxiety. It was a hard cycle.

Because Prozac is in the same family as Paxil and Zoloft it's meant to be a long term use drug. My doctor told me he's known patients that have used Prozac their entire life. That makes me happy because I don't want to experiment with new drugs on the market. It also means however that it can take a couple weeks to fully kick into your system. He told me to have faith in the drug if I don't feel it for a little while and to have a follow up appointment in a month if there's any problems. I'm hoping to God there's not.

I took Paxil for a number of years and it did help a great deal when I was going through some of the worst depression in middle school. It turned my life around. I'm hoping that Prozac can help me enjoy my experience here more, not be so freaking stressed out all the time.

This weekend's been pretty eventful. On Friday Allie had invited me to come to her friends birthday party. It was more of a kickback setting, I bought a large apple cider with my new friend Alec that got me feeling good from the get-go. I love hard cidar, it doesn't taste disgusting like beer does. It's my drink of choice. I had a shot of vodka too. We stuck around here for a couple hours before Allie's friend and some others decided to go to the bars. I was invited to come but wanted to stick with Allie so we (Allie, this other group of girls and I) all left to another house.

The people there were primarily Hispanic so I felt a little out of place there. I was pretty good on drinking but the host of the party offered me a beer that I held onto taking little sips from for the time I was there. Most of the girls were wearing skin tight dresses and heals, very dolled up. As you can see in this picture I was wearing a tank top and a cardigan. I didn't really care at this point though, I was pretty drunk and didn't mind just sitting on the edge of a couch people watching for awhile. 

Allie kept on disappearing with some guy. I spotted someone I thought was really cute so I struck up a conversation. Err... or at least I tried too.. His name is Gerardo and he moved up from Mexico about a year ago. He's gorgeous, but his English isn't very good. You guys would be surprised how much Spanish I can speak. Having a hard ass teacher in highschool, plus working out on the farm, plus having Hispanic customers at Rite Aid has actually helped me retain quite a bit. I can understand quite a bit of what he says too, at least when he's talking to me. We've been texting and with my knowledge of Spanish grammar and the use of Bing Translate we've been able to communicate pretty well. 

Lol he's got a lot of cute pictures on facebook but this is one of the few that it's just him. He likes fashion and he's modeled before. He's got a huge family back home, including 14 nieces and nephews. He thinks I'm really beautiful so I hope we spend more time together. It's really good spanish practice for me to text him if nothing else. 

peace.