Monday, May 26, 2014

I can't compete with Hawaii

I can't say "I HATE Hawaii", because hello, it's f*cking gorgeous there.

Unfortunately it feels like a planet away from the Tri-cities and that's where Joel is moving in the next month.

Joel is amazing. The main reason I haven't been writing as much was the extreme stress and depression I was dealing with at the beginning of this month thinking nothing in my life was ever going to change. I felt like there was nothing to look forward to. I didn't go out and have fun for weeks before Joel and I met. I generally spent most friday and saturday nights drawing, playing guitar and drinking beer. I was so bored. 

Then all of a sudden this f*cking incredible guy comes into my life who really likes me. Like he tells me all the time how beautiful and perfect I look, how impressed he is by my intelligence and talent, he likes my cooking...(lol). We like watching the exact same kinds of TV shows-- fucked up people and adult cartoons like Family Guy and King of the Hill. He's been watching King of the Hill for years and we just sit and quote shows and laugh our asses off. 

We've been working our asses off at forecasting and economics the past couple weeks and it's been extremely stressful but just being together makes it fun. It seems like we have fun doing anything and don't get sick of eachother at all. He's cocky as hell and thinks he's hot and knows and says that I'm hot(unlike Terry who I originally was attracted to for a lot of the same qualities). 

He makes me feel happy, special and worthy. He didn't grow up with a mom and hasn't lived at home since he was 16 so he's always so appreciative when I cook awesome food for him. He takes care of himself and works out. He's also very humble and non-judgmental. Like the other night we went over to Kat's house and he was playing around with her autistic son Jet and swinging him around and I've never seen him so happy. 

He's 27 so I know he's thinking about the next stages in his life. He would be an amazing father and he's going to be so handsome for manymanymany more years.... It's like we both think the other one's perfect and he's seen me looking like shit in the morning. 

I'm just not used to these kind of emotions. Part of me is loving everything about this but a huge part of me is also very sad because I know it's not going to last. You know he's going to move to Hawaii with Matt this summer and I'll probably never see or hear from him again. I mean yeah we might kid eachother by texting every so often or send pictures like me and Jack did when he moved up to Ellensburg but I know how that shit works. 

He's going to be living in fucking paradise surrounded by gorgeous, tan women and I'm going to be stuck in the tri cities again trying to find some stupid job and driving back and forth and back and forth and smoking shitty weed. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of my life there. In a lot of ways I'm sick of my life here but when I met Joel I've finally felt that satisfaction that I've been longing for these past, what, five years of complete bullshit and garbage from the men I thought I "liked"? 

I was definitely happier alone than with complete morons, that is obvious. But unfortunately now I've realized that I feel happier with Joel then alone. And knowing he's going to be gone in less than a month is quite painful in and of itself but I'm just going to enjoy this while it lasts


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