Well, this weekend was pretty productive I suppose.

Tyler D. came over last night and we uploaded some games onto my computer. He uploaded over 600 classic video games, they're all really retro 64' games that I can run on with my keyboard. Should be pretty entertaining to mess with one of these days. We had a nice visit. He came over randomly when he had to pick up Julie from a party. He had to sort of sneak in the house because my parents were sleeping. I don't feel Tyler like *that* anymore, and it's funny to think of a time that I did. We're really just good friends now, and ironically of all those guys I talk to him more than anyone. We might be going to see this movie next week with the guy from Borat.

Work today sort of sucked. I am so tired of kissing people's asses all day, but that's retail for you. After this whole weekend of working 20 hours, imagining going to work again on Tuesday is pretty icky. It's okay though, I'm just going to try and relax for tonight and tomorrow. Gotta try to memorize this damn Japanese vocabulary tonight but I really don't want too. I'm just so tired of all of it. I will never regret taking Japanese for as long as I did because I made a lot of friends in the process but God damn I'm ready for it to be over.

I made myself some chicken and boiled potatos. It's bland but healthy and I was so hungry it didn't even matter. I was tempted to have a slice of pizza, which of course my mom and Dad brought home a ton of. There's hardly any actual groceries that can be easily prepared (I'm not saying instant food, but relatively easy things that just require boiling, microwaving or baking. I usually cook for myself once or twice a day, especially when I've got the house to myself. I like to eat food that contains only what I choose to put in it; my own cooking never makes me feel nauseous after I eat it like a lot of other food does. I imagine when I go off to college I'm going to be eating very healthy, but I need to be careful not to starve myself.

Literally, I have a bit of a problem... I'll often go long periods of time throughout the day where I'll barely eat anything. I'll usually graze on healthy snacks, like fruit, boiled veggies, granola, bowls of cereal, etc. I'm not anorexic or anything, but so much food just doesn't look appetizing to me, and it's been like this for awhile now. I don't like eating anything that I think is unhealthy, so if I cave in and eat something that I deem "unhealthy," I'll often take a few bites and throw it away. Like I just caved and ate half a piece of pizza and threw the other half away. Because I know that if I eat the whole piece of pizza I'll feel too full, thus unmotivated to get work and practice done.

So for tonight my goals are (it's 4:00 pm)

-3 hours of guitar

-Write up Japanese flash cards

-Make bed

-Clean kitchen

I'm not going to work out tonight because I was running back and forth today at work the whole time.

Yesterday evening I called Connor because I felt lonely but he didn't pick up, thus making me feel even lonelier. I told him that I'd called to ask to borrow his guitar, but really that's not true.. I just wanted to see him. I just don't want him to think I have any suspicion that I *need* him, because he'll bolt. Fast. And right now he's my.. errm, rock, I guess you could say. He unknowingly keeps me from doing stupid stuff because he's that tiny bit of contact with the opposite sex that I need to keep from making mistakes again. Of course, even if Connor wasn't there, I still wouldn't do anything, but I would get more and more pent up over time and eventually snap and do something stupid. This keeps me align. He respects me, treats me with courtesy for the most part (I mean we joke around, but he never tries to hurt me), and we enjoy spending time together. As I've said before though, all on his time... so I feel like crap when I call him-- which I hardly ever do, last night was a rarity. I had thought about it for about five minutes before I actually did it because I was too afraid too. How very pathetic.

Jessika told me that I find specific excuses that I don't like EVERY guy. This might be true, sort of.. I mean I have ruled out a LOT of guys for one reason or another. But that's just because I don't want to be with someone that's either:

1. A loser. Doesn't drive, has no money, has no car, has no job. You'd be surprised how common this is. I'm fine with just one or even two strikes here if it's a temporary thing, but it seems like lately it's all four! Since when is a guy my age held so highly if he only has ONE of these things?

2. Way, way less attractive than I am. Now, this varies a lot because personality can make a huge difference. Like if a guy has an ego and has his own life going on, I'll find an average looking guy much more attractive than say an even better looking guy that has all these emotional issues and baggage. I don't know what it is, I've always had a thing for cocky guys. Insecurities are very unattractive to me because I've dealt with so many.

3. Unclean. Feeling as if he might have herpes or something because of his history. There's no way to tell for sure of course, but if I know a guy has been with a ton of girls, I will not touch him with a ten foot pole now. I've made mistakes and came out of my partying stage disease free, I do NOT want to get some sketchy ass STD now.

4. Way older than me. I'm talking 25+. I do get older guys that'll try to hit on me once and awhile, and unless they REALLY have their shit together. I can't date someone that's over 25 because I don't want kids for five years at least.

So yeah,  I guess I've got standards.

Here's a picture I took this morning. It's uneditted aside from the contrast. I was pretty ready to work this morning, even though I had a handful of stale goldfish and strawberries for breakfast.  

I'm gonna get going, gonna practice.

peace.