Taking a day to figure stuff out... insomnia

I'm skipping class today.

Well it's not really skipping if you feel like you really shouldn't go because it wouldn't have any benefit to you today. I got zero sleep last night. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately. I'm going to make a plan to fix this here and now.

I went to bed at 10 after drinking a glass of wine and taking half a motion sickness relief pill and I thought that'd be enough. Apparently not because I was up tossing and turning for the next three hours or so.

Yesterday wasn't a good day because of the stress of not talking to anyone for eight hours and it had a number on my appetite. For dinner I had half a grilled cheese, some quaker chips and some yogurt which I knew probably wasn't enough but because I wasn't feeling hungry necessarily and because the wine was making me sleepy I went ahead and went to bed. It was a mistake. There was so much crap on my mind that I didn't feel hungry enough to get up and eat something. So first of all, no more wine before bed. Though it relaxes me initially (which of course I like) it's not working for me to get adequate sleep and I feel it's one of the main reasons I've been tossing and turning all night. 

At 12 am I got up and had half a piece of wheat bread. Usually this does the trick for me if I can't sleep and know I'm hungry. This actually made it somewhat worse because as my appetite began to wake up so did my mind. However I chose to ignore it and continued to try to sleep. I had a prayer, please, just two hours of sleep or so is all I'd really need.... Everything happens for a reason.

My sleeping schedule has been messed up since I started taking Prozac because it makes me quite tired during the day when I combine it with lorazapam to combat anxiety. I have not lost faith in prozac yet, I've been weening myself off the lorazapam which is harder than I thought it would be. Last night at around 2 AM I took a half to hopefully relax me enough to sleep. Nope. Continue to cut back from lorazapam which is also one of the main reasons for sleepiness during the day. It's hard but I have to do it to get my sleeping schedule back in check. Or maybe instead of taking them during the day it'd be a better idea to take one at night before bed as my doctor advised when he first prescribed them.

Not only that but I went to bed with so much on my mind last night. I came out on my facebook about my problems with Central. This wasn't an easy task for me because in all honesty I'm slightly humiliated about it-- even if my mom says being in a new environment like this and my current circumstances would make many people stressed out. I have such high expectations for myself with the guitar and my studies that I've always got something to get done. Unfortunately this has left me very isolated and here it is almost February and I'm still trying to make adjustments to make my life better here.

Medication has been helpful in a number of ways, like classes haven't had me as hung up as they did last quarter to the point that I felt like I was having panic attacks in class. No, class has really become my happy time of the day, it's all of the time that I'm not in class that get to me. I applied for a position as an English tutor yesterday so I'm hoping to get the position.

Working here on campus was originally out of the question for me because I kept thinking, "Oh I'd never have time to get my guitar practicing in and my schoolwork if I have  a job..." but my Dad had a sit down talk with me this last weekend and convinced me otherwise. It was Sunday evening and I had a bit of a breakdown when I started feeling anxiety about coming back here again (an extreme case of this, though I didn't realize it at the time, was around Thanksgiving before finals when I was having panic attacks my last couple days at home nearly all the time).

Both of my parents feel awful about the situation here and are doing everything they can to help me. I feel like my friends from back home are the same way, they're so extremely supportive. I openly admitted on my facebook last night that these have been some of the hardest months of my life, and it's true. When you have depression and/or anxiety tendencies like I do, isolation can exasperate the symptoms and because I'm living in such a stressful environment in general with all the stuff I have to get done it's led me to feeling far different than I've ever felt.

Not really talking to anyone for hours on end is the absolute pits. I've had to work especially hard to keep my head busy...

Wow I'm getting extremely tired now. I got up and threw up this morning because I was so stressed out about making my decision to not go to class today even if I know it's always an important lecture day-- especially in Finite because we're going through the most difficult part of the chapter. I'm probably going to go to one of the tutors tonight to get me caught up today.

I do have some plans, Allie and I are going to eat lunch together at 1-ish and I've got my first group counciling meeting at 3. Until then I plan to sleep a bit, eat, probably study and practice a little... I don't know, trying to just mellow out today because it's been a hard week so far.

peace.

So happy to have had fun tonight

Today started out rough but ended really good for a number of reasons. 

After getting the news about Gerardo and feeling like I wasn't going to have anything to do this weekend, I decided to go home. Shortly after I'd told Katelynn I was going back Allie had texted me saying she was going to a shooting range and wanted to invite me along. Kind of torn I decided it'd be the best idea to try to have some fun in Ellensburg for once and just come home next weekend...

So I woke up this morning thinking Allie and I were going to go shooting. She texted me saying her and her friend rode up there and discovered "the shooting range is full, sorry!" I didn't even respond, I was so frustrated. This was at about 12:00 PM, I probably wouldn't have left much earlier had I not made other plans but by that time I was definitely ready to go. Escape from this silent apartment. I shoved a bunch of junk in an overnight bag and left. Even if it's just for a night and tomorrow being home for the weekend will get me through.

I just can't handle sitting alone in that apartment all weekend, which is what I know I'd be doing if I was there. Allie's hanging out with a bunch of girls that we'd met at that party last night. I wouldn't have even gotten an invite, I haven't heard from her all day. 

On the bright side, though, I got home safe and Katelynn and I hung out all evening. We went to Winco and I did a little grocery shopping. Some of the selection here I can't get in Ellensburg without spending a fortune at Fred meyer. I spent about 60 bucks on that, then got Katelynn and I some jumbo slices of pizza before we left. 

When we got back we smoked a little and danced in my sister's room (shh) to Nicki Minaj on her jumbo TV with the Wii. Then we went out in the kitchen and took those pictures above, just screwing around and laughing, watching king of the hill... I had such a great time tonight.

AND! Really good news, I got ahold of Jacob about rescheduling our lesson time and he said he might be able to figure something out for Mondays. That would be perfect for me and would allow me to go to the SHRM meetings, and there's one in the following week. So between going to group therapy twice this next week, the meeting and probably getting my guitar piece scanned on Monday, this should be a good week.

I just wanted to be comfortable and enjoy myself this weekend. Too often I feel uncomfortable in the silence of that damn apartment.... especially when Kristin's completely gone. Even if Kristin and I don't talk much knowing she's there on the weekdays makes it a little more lively. 

This writing might be a little screwy, I drank a big glass of wine earlier and I'm feeling more relaxed than I have in quite awhile. It just feels nice to be home. I explained to my mom that regardless of the fact that it's 200 miles getting back and forth between here and Ellensburg, it's really the only way I could keep my sanity on the weekends if things don't change. I'm happy I live close enough to have this option. I'm not going to say I can't stand that school because the weekdays are fine for the most part... it just feels like school to me and I have a ton on my plate to do and think about. But on the weekends I just want to get the Hell out of there.

It was snowing when I left, I wonder how it'll be when I come back tomorrow evening.

peace. 

Will this sh*t ever end?

Well fudge. Gerardo's gay.

I think I should have probably known. I mean just based on the fact that he's done modeling, the fact he's into fashion, etc etc... That was interesting while it lasted. One of his best friends posted "OMG Gerardo's gay" as her status and I'm thinking to myself, ookay wait a second... I can't believe it hadn't really crossed my mind, he seemed pretty into me and I just thought his clothes had to do with culture difference.

He wrote "I think you are very gorgeous and everything about you is marvelous you can have any guy you desire... I hope I didn't upset you." He's a sweetheart.

This whole situation has been absolutely bizarre. Definitely something I'll remember, also something that's never happened to me before. It's always hard when you like someone for one reason or another you can't spend time with them. This was a relatively soft blow for me though, considering I didn't think anything could come from this anyway, even if he was straight. Like I don't speak Spanish fluently. Period.

God has a reason for everything. I will keep telling myself this over the next few days. I can't help feeling a little sick for some reason. Like I just want to go to bed because there's no point in tonight.

I felt accomplished completing my two tests in finite and economics earlier. I also went to my first counselling session and was asked a ton of questions about my current situation and why I'm seeking therapy. According to Kristin Bell, aka Ichbinkeinberliner, it's a good idea to treat moderate depression with a combination of therapy and medication so that's what I'm doing.

This is a video she posted. I sometimes watch her videos to get hope about depression.

She's right that taking medication is like night and day, but certain things are hard to swallow regardless. I'm going to a few group therapy sessions in the next couple weeks before I start having individual therapy again. As a student at CWU it's free, and even if there's a waiting list I'm going to take advantage of what I can. She's also encouraging me to join clubs and I really want to join SHRM but they've got their meetings at 6' in Shaw... My guitar lessons usually go until 6:15 and Shaw is completely on the other side of campus, I'd always inevitably be late but on the 31st I really want to go. 

I should maybe talk to Jake about how serious it is that I do join a club and hopefully get my guitar lesson time changed. I so often feel alone here and I want to meet people so bad. I discussed with my councilor how difficult this has been for me, especially before I got on meds. My ability to deal with this isolation has gotten much better but I still can't help feeling lost here. 

peace. 

So close no matter how far....

Hello, damn it's quiet here.. I'm going to make sure to get out and do something this weekend.

Tonight I really should have gotten more studying done. I feel pretty confident in my economics because I've been really studying that a lot over the last week. Finite I'm feeling "meh," because it's only 7:30 and I've been dicking around on facebook and sleeping for a good portion of the day I feel I should get about 45 minutes of each subject in before bed.

I just hate studying sometimes because my room is really quiet. Maybe I'll put on some classical music or something just to break up the silence. I thought maybe I'd have lunch with Allie today and she said she'd text me but I haven't heard from her all day. I've been back since 11', and slept from around 1-3 after I made myself lunch. It's not a good idea to take a nap right after lunch, that's how you gain weight... but lately my body just wants me to sleep after classes. It could be partially because of the Prozac and also because it's winter and it's freaking freezing out.

Ha ha I found this recently and I'm probably gonna post it on facebook one of these days. This has to be a Canadian magazine or something. I miss my baby back home so much right now. I know she misses me too. I wish I could move into an apartment next year just to have her here with me... Oh well, I'll have her all summer. 

I had a good lesson with Jacob tonight. He approved my choice on Nothing Else Matters for the recital but he said "it's a hard song." which makes me a little concerned but I've got two months and I'm going to work on it every day. I think it's an absolutely beautiful piece and it will be very rewarding to learn and perform with all my hard work in fingerpicking over the past couple weeks. I'm happy I made this step to try fingerpicking, now that I've gotten the hang of it. 

It's a weird feeling to have not really talked to anyone since 11:00 this morning. I think I'll call my mom before I start studying. I tried calling her last night but she was going to Olive Garden with Avery and Jim for her birthday. I can't believe Avery's 18 now. 

Prozac has been giving me extremely vivid dreams; what's even weirder is that they make sense, they feel so realistic. I had a dream about Jack last night. 

I remember being in a huge Sanrio store, looking in the mirror and he walked in and I stormed out. He followed me outside (somehow we were at the Uptown) and told me he was "sorry." I was like, "What is this?! Answer me!" and he's like, "Nothing just kiss me." Then we kissed, it was all so vivid and I remember thinking "Wow I feel so stupid, what if people see how easily I forgive him.." I then remember my Mom pulling up in front to pick me up. Zoe was sitting in the front seat of the van but she looked a lot younger and Traci's son Wyatt was in the backseat, except he was talking and toddler age. I think this is somehow reflective of how long my feelings for him have lasted over the years. 

I've barely even thought about Jack since he told me he's seeing someone, but apparently he's still buried in my subconscious somewhere. 

peace. 

Isn't that a lovely picture... That's my nightly glass of wine in my hand. 

That's me after being exhausted all day but still managing to get as much work done as possible.. Like I woke up tired after not being about to sleep well last night and was yawning all day. Somehow I still had the ability to practice guitar for two hours, study my economics for a solid hour, get my finite homework done and I've still got time to get a little of my English done before bed. 

I was so tempted to go to sleep all day but even when I laid down in bed my mind wouldn't let me. I prayed last night that I would have the patience to get a bunch of work done today and I feel like that prayer was answered. Ha ha, I'll probably pray the same thing tonight because tomorrow is going to be just as heavy of a work load. 

I'm still keeping up with my finite math homework even if it's getting into what the professor said is the "hardest part of the quarter." I've got the combination/permutation formulas down but I'm having a hard time distinguishing when to use each. I'm hoping it'll be painfully obvious on the word problems on the test. Knowing the professor it will be. He's so cool, he assigns specific problems to look at before taking the weekly tests so as long as I study those I should be fine. 

My econ test on Friday has me sort of stressed out because it's the first big exam but I've studied the material pretty well, I mean I really seem to be getting it in class but the application of the formulas and graphs usually gets me. I would go to tutoring tomorrow but I've got lessons with Jake so I'm on my own. That's fine, with all the work I've put into my classes this week and the lack of emotional turmoil from prozac I feel I can conquer most things. 

I texted Gerardo once today, pretty much just saying I hope his day's been good and that I've been really busy with studying. It's crazy, we text eachother in Spanish-- which is how we're getting to know eachother and honestly it's working just fine. I'd like to hope I'm picking up some speaking ability from doing this. He works 5 days a week at a really physically taxing job.. He's like a groundskeeper for this huge piece of property here in Ellensburg and he's lived here for a year working there (no puedo nunca...lol). He only has saturdays and sundays off. He'll probably want to party Saturday so I'm wondering if I'll get to see him. I didn't feel *super* comfortable at that party last weekend, for obvious reasons, but I'm sure we'll see eachother this weekend at some point. 

So regardless of our interesting, almost comical circumstances we still like eachother and I'm just enjoying my time going with the flow with this. Ha ha, at least he's not Japanese or something, then I'd have a real problem. I can't communicate in Japanese hardly at all. I've somehow held onto a good amount of Spanish though and I'm going to try and learn more every day. 

peace. 

Comfort food, yawn.

I feel like I shouldn't be writing right this second because I still have a lot to do. Oh well.

I can't actually post what's been on my mind all day. What I will say, however, is that mental illnesses are treatable with proper medication and it makes me very sad to see someone spiral out of control. I feel like I was going there with depression and anxiety for awhile but since I've started taking prozac I feel much better overall. I'm no longer breaking down and crying nearly every day or thinking about things that don't matter that much as frequently. I feel like I'm in better control of my life...

Chicken with gravy and mashed potatos has been one of my favorite things to eat lately. Comfort food I guess. 

I've had some lousy chest pain today. I've been logging my meals onto a site called MyFitnessPal and it's telling me that I eat too much protein. I have as balanced of a diet as I can, and I feel like eating one skinless panfried chicken breast or 4 oz steak with dinner each night is good for me. I dunno, maybe I should eat pasta dishes more often. They just usually don't sound that appealing because I only know how to prepare it one way... With a little butter, parmesan cheese and garlic salt. I eat that every couple days.

Classes were good today. I got a 9/10 on my second finite math test and I was asked to be one of the study group leaders. Jessie was too. My time slot is 3-5 pm in the library and I doubt anyone will show up but hey, it gives me a good excuse to study for a solid two hours either way. That can't hurt my grades.

Today so far the only homework that I've done is English and once I get off here I've gotta read 7.1, do a small assignment and do some econ multiple choice before bed. I want to work out, too, so I'm probably not going to go to sleep until 11 or so. I did take a nap today right after classes so it's fine.

This entry is boring. Sorry guys, it's a Tuesday that's basically like a monday because of the 3 day weekend, bear with me. At least I'm not miserable, ha ha.

peace. 

PROZAC and getting out more.

Estoy muy contento.

Haven't had a panic attack all weekend. Thursday I drove home for a doctor's appointment and saw the same doctor that prescribed me the Lorazapam so he knew exactly what was up. For the past couple weeks I found myself crying every day for one reason or another, felt myself continually spiraling into panic attacks... It was absolute Hell and slipping into deeper and deeper depression. I didn't have to explain much to my doctor, he believed me without question. In our last appointment he told me I should stop smoking to curb my anxiety. I was happy to tell him I had stopped completely. Maybe he had a harder time believing that, ha ha.

Prozac is an anti-anxiety medication that also is meant to help with a number of other things such as insomnia, depression and... Bulimia for some reason. I didn't really get that one, I hope that means it helps with nausea because with my anxiety I sometimes get nausea really bad and it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up. I haven't gone through any of that in the past few days though.

Granted I am still taking Lorazapam every so often. I'm cutting back on that though and I'm happy I am when I did. Lorazapam is definitely habit forming because it's a rapid release drug so you feel like you need one every 3-4 hours. I didn't like that because even if I felt normal when I was taking it, I was always nervous that it'd wear off at a time when I need it most. That's why I'd always take it before my classes but then I'd get home and feel like I wanted to go to bed because I didn't want to deal with anxiety. It was a hard cycle.

Because Prozac is in the same family as Paxil and Zoloft it's meant to be a long term use drug. My doctor told me he's known patients that have used Prozac their entire life. That makes me happy because I don't want to experiment with new drugs on the market. It also means however that it can take a couple weeks to fully kick into your system. He told me to have faith in the drug if I don't feel it for a little while and to have a follow up appointment in a month if there's any problems. I'm hoping to God there's not.

I took Paxil for a number of years and it did help a great deal when I was going through some of the worst depression in middle school. It turned my life around. I'm hoping that Prozac can help me enjoy my experience here more, not be so freaking stressed out all the time.

This weekend's been pretty eventful. On Friday Allie had invited me to come to her friends birthday party. It was more of a kickback setting, I bought a large apple cider with my new friend Alec that got me feeling good from the get-go. I love hard cidar, it doesn't taste disgusting like beer does. It's my drink of choice. I had a shot of vodka too. We stuck around here for a couple hours before Allie's friend and some others decided to go to the bars. I was invited to come but wanted to stick with Allie so we (Allie, this other group of girls and I) all left to another house.

The people there were primarily Hispanic so I felt a little out of place there. I was pretty good on drinking but the host of the party offered me a beer that I held onto taking little sips from for the time I was there. Most of the girls were wearing skin tight dresses and heals, very dolled up. As you can see in this picture I was wearing a tank top and a cardigan. I didn't really care at this point though, I was pretty drunk and didn't mind just sitting on the edge of a couch people watching for awhile. 

Allie kept on disappearing with some guy. I spotted someone I thought was really cute so I struck up a conversation. Err... or at least I tried too.. His name is Gerardo and he moved up from Mexico about a year ago. He's gorgeous, but his English isn't very good. You guys would be surprised how much Spanish I can speak. Having a hard ass teacher in highschool, plus working out on the farm, plus having Hispanic customers at Rite Aid has actually helped me retain quite a bit. I can understand quite a bit of what he says too, at least when he's talking to me. We've been texting and with my knowledge of Spanish grammar and the use of Bing Translate we've been able to communicate pretty well. 

Lol he's got a lot of cute pictures on facebook but this is one of the few that it's just him. He likes fashion and he's modeled before. He's got a huge family back home, including 14 nieces and nephews. He thinks I'm really beautiful so I hope we spend more time together. It's really good spanish practice for me to text him if nothing else. 

peace.