What does being in love even feel like?

Well my studying today paid off.

For the first time on a Wednesday I didn't feel completely lost in my classes... except for Math, the way that he's teaching us functions has me completely lost, and by the looks of it half the class is in the same boat. He actually called on me today saying, "You don't get it." Why do professors always read that on my face?

Here's what's on the menu this upcoming week:
-Accounting test on Monday
-Ch. 5/6 test due Tuesday for law (I'll get this done easily)
-Have the ability to not only understand functions but be able to graph them. That's going to be an absolute nightmare.

So right now obviously accounting should be the first priority but really this weekend is going to focus more on getting caught up on math. I absolutely cannot get behind on this because Montgomery goes FAST and I need to be on top of what he's saying to pass that class. I don't consider my first test grade much of a success because he's going to have tests semi-regularly now and the material is going to get harder and harder five days a week. It's not like Accounting and law where I have a day.

Ideally, this weekend I'd like to study about five hours a day. That's what I've been doing lately, 3-5 hours and I've been keeping up pretty well. It's a full time job, I'm lucky if I even have time to play guitar.

This weekend I'm going to have lunch with Reina, maybe going to movie night with Sarah H. and *maybe* jamming with this one guy I met named Adam and his bassist. The later two depend on how much work I've gotten done for the day.

Love has been bothering me a lot lately. Today this really sweet Thai girl that's in my accounting class asked me if I had a boyfriend and said that she couldn't believe that I didn't because I'm "so pretty." I really wish that dictated anything but it doesn't. Yeah, I guess it would increase my chances of a particular person that I'm attracted to being physically attracted to me back but does it actually increase my likelihood of finding someone that's right for me? No, probably not.

So I posted that picture shown above today to sort of show my depression/feeling of hopelessness about it lately. It makes me want to cry every almost every day at some point, even if everything else in my life is going well... It's a burden, and it's been getting worse, particularly in the evenings when I'm stressed out about classes and want someone to talk to.

I just try to fill that void in my life with the guitar, in some way it makes me feel loved because it's a daily reminder of how much I should love myself. Seriously what person is f*cking crazy enough to play the guitar three hours a day for five months straight until she knows how to shred? Apparently I am, and I'm happy to carry that title that I've still been playing for less than a year. Imagine how good I'll become if I stay single for another year (hahaha). That really has been the good that's come out being alone has been truly finding my own identity at such a young age. I don't have many questions about who I am, what my plan is in life, what strengths and weaknesses are... Not very many 21 year old's can say the same.

I'm starting to realize how many coping devices my mind has found to deal with these feelings these past couple years. My excessive studying, my three hours of guitar playing, my exercising... All of it boils down to wanting a HIGHER self worth, trying to improve so that I don't care if I have anyone or not. All I need is me. And it's worked, I look back in 2011 when I used to get completely disrespected by men and I'd put up with it because I didn't think I deserved any better.

But I've found there really is no way of making your mind completely stop thinking about it, no matter how much you try to suppress it, because it's not natural. There's something instinctively that drives us to find companionship in another human being, and when you don't have it for a certain amount of time your mind begins to bother you until you go out and make some stupid mistake (like settling for someone) just to feel loved again.

And that's what I've tried to avoid more than anything with the guitar is to stop needing it to the point that I would settle for someone else. I've set my standards at a certain place and refuse to deter from them because it would be a waste of time. That, and, after being single for two years I'd like to wait until I find someone that actually has potential to become "love."

Because I've never been in love. I've certainly been attracted to guys, I've dated, been in some relationships (most of which I couldn't say improved my life but actually caused MORE problems/stress/depression that I was HAPPY when it was over).. but I've never been in love.

And it's hard.

It's painful.

It's distracting.

But there's nothing I can do about it and there's no end in sight. 

I think the reason that it's bothering me now more than ever is because I've become so satisfied with the direction that my life is going that I feel like now would be the appropriate time for that aspect of my life to give me just a *little* satisfaction but I guess not yet. 

And for that reason I fucking hate the phrase "It will come when you least expect it."  because the longer you wait the more you want something good to happen.

That's all I really had to say. It was literally the first thing I thought of this morning and now I'm not going to let it be the last thing I think about before I go to bed. It's 8:05 pm, I think tonight I'll study an hour of math and play guitar, probably go to sleep around 11'. I'd say I've got a "big day of study" tomorrow but because it seems like every day is like that here. Still, because I have no plans other than my math class I'm shooting for six hours tomorrow. 

peace. 

I'm sorry for being the biggest bitch on the planet, but...

Gah! I'm so lame...

If he has a green backpack, which I vaguely remember he does, I saw him again... what is this like, the fifth time, and I didn't even look over or smile or anything. I'm pretty sure it was him, and he just happen to skate by the second I was walking past the building he lives in. I was listening to my music and looking straight ahead so I could see why he wouldn't talk to me if it was him and if he actually had any intention of talking to me at all. Probably not, I'm assuming this crush on this complete stranger of mine is very one sided so I don't need to start trying to convince myself otherwise. 

But because his facebook is entirely restricted to people that aren't his friends if I ever wanted to talk to him I would straight have to walk up to him and say something which I don't want to do. Nobody would ever want to do that. But obviously he's still on my mind, I don't have any interest in anyone else, I feel like a sitting duck. The only other way I could get ahold of him is through a different friend of mine (who I just met so we're not close enough friends that he wouldn't not talk to me again if he knew I liked his friend). I haven't been very subtle in hinting that I'd like to talk to him but I highly doubt he's brought me up.  

I've decided that if he's still on my mind by this Saturday and haven't gotten the chance to talk to him I'm going to text my friend and admit to him that I'm crushing on his friend, apologize for being the biggest bitch on the planet, and ask if he knows a way I could meet him. They're best friends here at school though, it's like me dating someone that Katelynn has a crush on and spent time with. 

So that's the plan.... By waiting until Saturday I might soften the blow of what could be really disappointing for this friend of mine. But I at least have to try, the worst thing that could happen is him just saying "No, he wouldn't be interested." or something like that. Or by not replying, nevermind that would be worse.

And who cares if he doesn't want to talk to me! I've got absolutely nothing to lose. I'm at the point that I don't like anybody, again, so clearly my heart has been looking around for someone in that realm to focus on but it probably picked another bad choice simply because of the circumstances.

Jessika never stops uploading pictures of her and her boyfriend Roman. Like they must be continually taking pictures every five minutes when their together because it's like Jessika's trying to say to everyone on facebook, "LOOK! Look how happy we are!" She got lucky, she hooked one, I just couldn't imagine any guy that would be willing to put up with her obnoxiously grotesque, demanding personality. So yeah, in a way it does irk me, admittedly.

I see myself and I think of how much I have to offer-- I'm beautiful, talented, intelligent, I'm a decent cook, I present myself well, I don't have many hangups like other girls... Yet I've been alone for a year and ten months now. My soul feels STARVING for some kind of companionship and it's hard because I'm hardly attracted to anyone. So many things turn me off, ever since I started playing music I have such high standards for myself it's hard to get on that same level with anyone else. 

Speaking of which, I'm taking my guitar to the shop today. There's a music store in town and I'm sure it's open on Tuesdays at 10 AM. If not I give up with this town, I swear. That's really all I've got planned other than some accounting homework, my math assignment... and I should probably read chapter 7 in my legal class too. Typical day.

peace.

...Who doesn't accept messages from anyone?

                                     

Ha ha.

Good evening everyone. 

Man it's Sunday, which means this next week will be... hmm, I want to say Week 3 of classes? Pretty sure that's what it is. I'll try not to get *too* excited about the four hours of business class I will endure tomorrow. 

So get this I actually know the name of my stranger crush now. I woke up feeling pretty confident this morning and decided to add him on facebook, I mean we had seen eachother those few times and since I have over 1,000 friends on my list it's not that big of a deal. 

..He doesn't accept friend requests OR messages from anyone. Is it because there's tons of creepy girls out there stalking out his page? I texted my friend about this and he said, "Yeah, *bleep* doesn't really use facebook so he only accepts messages from select people." 

Well there you go. There's no way I could ever talk to this person unless I outright speak to him which I'm not gonna lie you guys, is not going to happen. I'm wondering if my friend has mentioned my asking about him.. probably not because this friend of mine probably doesn't want me talking to him because he initially liked me. It's frustrating, I feel very powerless in that aspect of my life and it's just an ongoing disappointment. 

I might hang out with Alex S. one of these days. She said she doesn't do much other than school and I can certainly relate so I'm excited to spend time with her. This weekend I didn't actually go anywhere at all, it's a little depressing. But I've gotten a lot of work done so that's a plus... 

peace. 

Met some new potential friends and guitar blah blah

Today's been a nice day of catching up with things. I feel sluggish because I did not leave the house today, I should probably work out.

Today was just the usual, though I was really proud of how much work I put into accounting tonight. Two and a half hours. The time was necessary though, that's the amount of time it took me to read the 5th chapter. It's all about factory inventories and calculating the costs based on volume of products, cost per unit, etc... I found it sort of interesting so I was able to finish the assignments somewhat easily. There's a good amount of formulas in this chapter that I'll have to remember, though, so it's good that I'm getting on that now.

I've been feeling much more comfortable in my two business classes now that I'm annotating the chapters. I figure if I annotate, I'll get a much better understanding then reading alone, even if I just read over the chapter once. Usually I'll read it over twice for good measures, like I've been putting off re-reading chapter 3 for three days.. I found that chapter really confusing.

Toast, guys. This tea is delicious and I had a good day. 

But yeah, today was really productive! I got my guitar done early, 2 hours of really solid practice... I actually worked on arpeggios today for 10 minutes, I was impressed. I hate practicing arpeggios now, they're a pain because I never see them in any music I play but I figure if I learn them now they'll be very useful when I someday do find a purpose.

I remember seeing Jacob do some pretty cool solo stuff with them when he connected pairs of shapes. I don't really get it yet to be honest, I've been slacking on  trying to improve my shapes on the guitar neck because I've been messing with songs and picking exercises primarily for the last month or so. I've wanted to get Phantom of the Opera done really bad but it's a difficult ass riff at the beginning to get just right. 

The iron maiden logos make me laugh. 

I don't take their lyrics and themes too seriously to be honest with you, I'm more into Iron Maiden for the quality of the music itself. The vocals are spot on, absolutely perfect. The fast pace of it all, the rush... I don't care what it's about, something about it speaks to me on a level I can't explain. 

On that note. Freaking, Hollowed  by Thy Name has been stuck in my head for 3 days, I'm debating if I should learn it. The riff is really good. I might as well, why the Hell not. I like playing their music, is a variety really necessarily if I know that learning there music will eventually help me achieve my ultimate purpose? My purpose is really to play music by Dream Theater but it's still WAY too hard for me. Iron maiden has similar demanding picking and speed but is much more consistent than Dream Theater. Iron Maiden follows pretty simple patterns for the most part. 

I've been messing around a little more with pulls. Good lord my strings need to be changed. 

There's this really sweet girl that I remember meeting back at Leah's ice skating party. She taught me how to ice skate. I can't actually remember her name, but I saw her at Central awhile back. I'd like to hang out with her sometime, she's always seemed pretty nice to me.

I'm also thinking about learning Electric Crown by Testament. Really good song, doesn't sound too difficult either. 

So I have a secret crush on a complete stranger. He doesn't know me at all. He's philipeno. He's an engineering major (the friend told me this) and he's one of the cutest guys I've ever seen here. That's all I know. It's unfortunately a touchy situation because he's a friend with someone I recently met. This person that I met told me that he liked me, but I told him I didn't want a relationship. In actuality I just wasn't feeling the connection between us, though I liked him as a friend and all. That's the main reason I've debated talking to him is because it's out of respect for my new friend. That and oh, I'm scared shitless of guys that I'm attracted too and would much rather they talk to me first because from what I've found in the past, guys that I'm attracted to tend to be players... I don't know what it is but I would just rather have a guy approach me so I know his intentions aren't bad. If I talk to him first it seems eager and creepy. 

Ha ha but he seriously has no idea who I am, I feel stupid even talking about it... We'll see if I actually ever meet him.

On a more important note! I did meet someone at the gym, her name is Sarah and she's beautiful. She's pursuing the same major as me so I'm looking forward to getting to know her, we'll see if she wants to kick it with me. She seems like she does her own thing for the most part, though she clearly has friends back home... But yeah, very pretty and tan. I'm very pretty and pale. It just sucks that we wouldn't be able to go to bars together until she turns 21 in March. Don't get me wrong though, she seems really intelligent and level headed too so it's not like I'm just looking for someone to party with. 

Here's another person I met, her name's Reina and I met her via the exchanged student speaking partner program. I'm so happy I signed up for that, she's very sweet! Her english is much better than my Japanese so we're able to communicate better than I'd anticipated. She's a really sweet person, I just hope to God she doesn't misunderstand some of my dry sense of humor jokes and think I'm actually being serious. I have to be careful about that sometimes!

peace. 

What implications can you draw from staring....

Nope. I made it a point today not to feel hopeless about my classes and try not to get too frustrated if I don't fully understand the material. That's why I'm at school, to learn, make mistakes, etc. I just try to be really ahead of my game all the time, study extremely hard and try to get the best grades possible so it disappoints me when I don't quickly absorb the material.

I didn't study last Wednesday but I feel I should today. There's some important dates that I need to clarify. I will also write it on my sticky note and start setting goals accordingly. I didn't have my planner with me in class today so I had to write some important date/times on slips of paper in my binder. Never a good plan. You might think all of this is excessive. It's just necessary when you have to remember so many things in three relatively difficult classes. This is certainly the most difficult quarter I've ever taken, much harder than anything I encountered at CBC.



Important Dates:

Pre-Calc Test 1, Friday Oct. 5 

Accounting Test 1, Ch. 1, 2, 3, 5 (I'll figure out later chapters later) Oct 15. 10:00-12:40

Legal Exam 1, 10/24, covering ALL of chapters 1-10. T_T

All of these tests are going to be a huge challenge, and will require hours and hours of study. I've got to stay focused and oriented, and cannot lose faith when I don't understand something in class. It's so hard to get on top of things but it's the greatest satisfaction to me to actually get the material when I need to.

I cannot put my accounting homework off like I did today. I actually didn't get the assignment done and Burnadette and I could collaborate so our whole group wasn't able to work together. Natasha and I were sort of fumbling through 3-26 today because neither of us could figure out how to calculate certain costs. I am going to re-read that chapter tonight and try to figure out what I was unable to do today.

So yeah, a little stressed is an understatement.

I don't want you guys to think I'm miserable here or anything, actually I'm starting to get a lot more comfortable and I'm having more fun in my routines than ever before. I feel like in college I can really take all that goal setting and time management stuff that I learned from Jacob and PillaiCenter and apply it to my everyday life. I'm in complete control of how I spend my time here, and since it's up to me I'm going to spend my time as productively as I can. Because for me, going out and finding other things to do would be a waste of time.

Really the only thing that could pull me away from my routines, I've found, is some sort of love interest. Because of course I schedule friends into my time, no problem, just whenever she has time.. But when you're talking to someone in *that* manner their life sort of becomes your life and visa-versa, you become more intertwined in each other's whereabouts and are unable to have your own experience. That's why I felt so relieved a couple days ago after parting with Jason.

 Literally the sadness I felt was momentarily. I was shocked and sad to read the words, but the sadness dissolved so quickly. I thought I at least had minor feelings but I guess not. Maybe I just really liked his company. I will always have respect towards Jason and he came at the right time. I was feeling pretty lonely this summer, and he was SO good about texting me on a regular basis, our skype conversations could get pretty funny too. We didn't really click personality wise but it was fun to like eachother when I was lonely and sort of needed that gratification.

I've decided I will only post a status on facebook once every two days instead of one, now. Facebook can irritate me because I'm always feeling compelled to write some clever observation of something in my life from a day to day basis. I think that'll be better left to once every two days. Facebook is overrated and getting boring, anyway.

There's some football players outside yelling nonsense. They seem like the audience Red Baron was trying to reach when they designed what I just had for dinner, "Feasts for One".

Freezer pizza is a nutrition nightmare-- you've got trans fats, cholesterol, incredible amount of sodium and preservatives, the works... But damn, these things are actually pretty delicious. I originally bought one at Bargain Market on my first shopping trip. They had like 40 of them for $1.99 on a shelf so I figured why the Hell not, get some douchebag pizza. It was so good I bought it a second time when my parents took me to Safeway to stock up.

My phone's off. That sucks. But everything's good.

Oh, interesting little tidbits that could be absolutely nothing. There's a girl in my accounting class that a couple days ago I made solid eye contact with while standing in line to turn in an assignment (Monday). I looked away, then looked back and caught her staring at me a second time. I sort of grinned, she grinned slightly and it was my turn in line so I turned away.

 This girl sits behind me. At the end of class when Holtfelter took role a second time she said, "Last in line?" to me when I was standing there. I'm pretty sure her name had already been called. I said, "Ha, yup!" and sort of walked off. I don't know if she was trying to initiate conversation there. Today I ran a little experiment. When we turned in our assignments I walked to the same far side of the room that I did on Monday just to see if she'd do it again. I totally saw her staring at me, again.

I don't know what to make of this. She's really pretty, she's really tan, and has almost black hair. I haven't really made actual eye contact with her but I think we briefly talked on the first day. Again, could be nothing. Just random.


Another staring war happened today when I was walking back from law class. I recognized this really attractive Phillipeno guy that was a friend of Patrick's that I'd met last week. I met up with Patrick twice at his car, once when we hung out at his place and the second time that he brought me a birthday present (Very sweet of him, he got me headphones..). Both times I saw this guy but I don't know what his name is. Anyway, walking home from class today, I saw him sitting with another guy outside of Wendell (the building that's right across the street from mine). As I approached he definitely was looking at me. I was definitely looking at him back. He continued to talk to his friend. I averted by gaze but when I looked back we made eye contact a second time and I grinned with my mouth closed, he did the same back. As I walked by I wondered if I should have said something.


Good, those football players have stopped.

peace.

Since arriving here, my dating pool has shrunk...My honest standards of attractiveness.

I don't think about love very often. When I do it's typically when I'm stuck walking alone, not playing my guitar and without my head in a book...

When I do though I must write about it, otherwise it sits like a bad taste in my mind and disturbs anything else I'm trying to accomplish. I sometimes wonder how long it could possibly be like this.

Cheers. Here I am today, 11:55 am looking a little winded after walking back from the library. 

I studied there for an hour and a half. 

It's not like I don't know I'm beautiful, as lame as that sounds to say. I used to be insecure about my looks because I thought that was one of the main problems but over the past couple years I've come to realize that looks isn't it at all. I don't let my body become an excuse either, as I work out nearly every day and I'm in the greatest shape I've ever been right now. So looks in itself is not the problem, if I met a guy that I was attracted too I feel I'd have a pretty good shot at it, even if he's a "Tyler F." (bah haha, that's kind of a joke, Tyler F. was this guy I crushed on all through elementary and middle school and I always thought I wasn't pretty enough to get him. In reality, it probably more had to do with my incredibly insecure behavior and social awkwardness at that age)

It's also not like I don't have guys that are attracted to me. I get lots of comments from admirers on facebook, not like this is something to brag about, guys comment tons of pictures saying girls are hot, but I've honestly had a lot of people tell me they think I'm "Beautiful" so I'm willing to start believing it, so I know that guys DO like me and would want to date me if they had the opportunity.

The fact that I haven't been in a relationship for almost two years more has to do with MY choices, almost all of which were bad ones (but hey you learn from your mistakes). My main problem is that I'm not attracted to many guys so when I do find one that I'm attracted to I'm willing to push aside ALLLLLL of the things that bother me. Suppress the bad, try to think about the good. It never works, I end up finding these faults that bother me and cut things off.

I know what it feels like to be satisfied in a relationship because I have briefly a couple times in my life. Thinking way back to when I was sixteen, Connor and I clicked and had a pretty good run. He was obsessed with something I didn't understand at the time so that ended up driving us apart.

But the time that we actually spent together was pretty good-- we'd hold hands in public (DUN-DUN-DUN!!!), he didn't mind bringing me around people (I actually met a lot of people because of Connor), didn't act like I was an inconvenience to him and actually LIKED having me around. We'd have good conversations. I have not had any kind of relationship like this in five years now.

Which is why I'm so numb. Why I don't have faith in anything and just live each day for the absolute fullest alone because that's all I've got. Because I can't sit here and act like nothing is wrong because it is always sort of a void that lingers there and bothers me from time to time. Love should be important to everyone but for me it's an inconvenience at this point in my life.

Because I look around here and there's nobody. Not one guy-- except for Jason, but I initially wasn't even that attracted to him and he had to grow on me with his intelligence before I found him sexy in the slightest, that I've seen that was particularly attractive and thought, "Hey, I would LOVE to go out of my way to talk to that guy and perhaps hopefully start texting." The thought has not even crossed my mind. I don't think this makes me a shallow person, it's just nobody wants to be with someone they're not attracted to and it's really hard for me to find someone that I would want to be with for that reason.

You might think, how is that even possible? To be honest, I don't know. I wish I did. I am going to try to create, right here and now, where my definition of attractive seems to lay...

My Honest Standards

of Attractiveness

Disclaimer: Personality is the absolute most important factor to ever consider when you're deciding if you want to be with someone. I would never be with an idiot, stupidity makes people extremely UNattractive, yet another reason why it's hard for me to find someone even relatively close to what I'd find ideal in a man.

1. Must be 5'7 or taller. 

And if they are 5'7 need to be pretty good looking for me to even consider it. I like taller guys, period. There's not very many of these around here, in fact I've never seen more short guys in one place than I've seen at Central this year. (short= as tall or shorter than me) 

2. Must not be fat or badly out of shape.

I'm not attracted to fat guys at all, period. I take extremely good care of my body and would expect whoever was dating to have the discipline to work out on his own, it shows that he actually cares about his physique too. It seems like so many guys just plop themselves in front of the couch all day playing video games and their body and features become doughy and ugly. 

3. I prefer brown or black hair. 

I've only been completely attracted to one blonde, that guy I met that one time at the Toyota Arena. He was GORGEOUS, I was so disappointed when we never talked again. So some blondes are okay, but generally speaking I like dark hair.

4. Slender facial features

Nice jaw line is always a plus. 

Period. Everything else is personality and intelligence.

just a couple examples that fall within this range....

Here's a picture of a guy that I would think is extremely attractive.

Again I'm not saying he'd HAVE to look like this, it's just always been hard for me to pinpoint what I like because I like so few. 

Jay, the only guy I was really attracted to from the tri cities for the past two years or so. Notice he has all of the features listed above. I thought there'd be more Jay's in college but there's definitely not around here.

Knowing my own standards has made it dawn on me that there's a good chance I could be alone for a very long time. I refuse to fall below my standards because I don't want to be with someone that I'm not physically attracted to at all. It's really frustrating in a way and has been a major disappointment about coming to Central. I'm not saying I was expecting to have met someone by now but I was expecting to at least see ONE guy aside from Jason that I thought was.... well, hot. 

Maybe after graduation if I'm still single I'll move down to California. ....Yuck. 

peace. 

Happy Birthday to Me!

Hello everyone! Happy Birthday to Me!!

New picture of me in glasses, I actually wear them quite a bit in class in comparison to my life outside of school. I really enjoy going to school when I'm on top of things. I guess that's how today was. The fruits of my efforts this weekend paid off, I was able to pay attention in all three of my classes indiscriminately-- without being too confused or frantic because "SHIIIIIT I READ THE MATERIAL BUT I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANNNNYTHING...." That's sort of how it felt the second day of law class. Today was the third, things went MUCH better and I got my participation points FAIRLY-- by having solid answers. Boo-yah. I felt that was sort of a reward for the... probably eight hours of study I did this last weekend.

It cracks me up to think I was going to have some guitar lesson business. I plan to give Corey B. lessons, and whoever else happens to come to me about it, but I will not be advertising lessons anymore. Actually, I would take down those signs but since nobody has called I don't care. I assume they will take down the signs in a month or so anyhow. I've got too much work to do, and any free time I get here will be spent with friends once I find some. Eventually, these things will happen in time. I'm beginning acquaintances with some people. I should start briefly talking about them here to keep track of people I meet....

Natasha H., she sits next to me in Accounting 252. She was one of the first people I met because she came in a little late and was stuck sitting in the handicap desk next to mine (nothing against handicap people, it's just not the first desk people run for). She's really cool, laid back, we're all sort of helping eachother out in this collaborative learning situation... It's sort of bizarre, I've never been in a class like it.

The professor had us divide into groups on the first day, which is how I met Burnadette, this girl that sits next to me in my law class as well (well, starting today). She's really intelligent, prepared and laid back. She clearly reads the material and takes her studies seriously like I do so I decided she'd be a good person to be in a group with. She's got a really funny, dry sense of humor too. I'm pretty we're going to help eachother out this quarter. 

My accounting class is two hours long and the professor only partially lectures. He's following a different classroom setup called the collaborative learning approach where we basically get into groups and review the homework together over the material that we read in the book. This would seem questionable to a lot of students because it might seem like this is just a good way for a professor to slack off, but I actually think it's more like the State requires this particular course to be taught in this backwards fashion. 

When I went to CBC I took the equivalent accounting 102 course for a few days during Spring quarter (my last quarter) but ended up dropping it because I was feeling too lazy. But that managerial accounting class had the same format, the professor split us into groups and had us come up with team names. She could catch us off guard with questions so you'd have to be on top of your work all the time. Teams would get points and lose points for extra credit so there was an air of competition. She was like an Accounting Senora Schmick! 

Makes me think I actually got off easy. My accounting professor has been teaching for 20 years so he's probably not entirely adjusted to these methods. At times he'll almost apologize for the way he's teaching it, like today he said-- "This is a special class, if you take a class like this you get hands on learning and it's very important."  Like he's quoting some presentation that told him how he was supposed to teach the class. So in following this he really just breaks us into groups, we do worksheets, then discuss the problems in class. When he does lecture it's not bad, it makes sense but at times can get really redundant.

Four hours is a long time to pay attention to lectures, period. I walked back and forth twice today so my body is pretty exhausted on top of it. The business building seems soooo far away.

The guitar is becoming a weird second nature to me. I don't know if it's that I've improved to the point that it's that much more comfortable for long periods of time or that I've hit a wall and I'm no longer improving. No, I'd like to believe that if I continue to do these picking exercises and spend the amount of time practicing I'll continue to improve and not hit a wall.... The possibilities are endless really. What I AM saying is that I've hit a wall of knowing what I want to play. I wanted to upload phantom of the opera but it's still not clean/comfortable enough to upload to the internet. I'd still give that a few more weeks. Once I'm done with that I'm done with Iron Maiden on guitar, for GOOD. . . . well, until I learn some music from other artists.


Things sure have improved since my last birthday. I remember going over to Jessika B.'s house for the first time. This started the chain of sketchy scenarios with her throughout the next couple months. Anyway, long story short, ended up calling into work the next day because I was hungover and had a grand time with her almost certainly alcoholic, creep ass roommate. I will never.... again... I don't even know what I was thinking, seriously. Thank God I found the guitar, otherwise my self esteem might still be that low...

1 year 10 months!

That's how long it's been now since I've been in a official relationship! Can you believe it, that's nuts, almost two entire years now! It's okay, it's funny this last year I've gotten such a different perspective on the whole thing it doesn't bother me at all anymore. Actually, I've found I'm the most relaxed when I'm not really involved with guys at all. Jason and I are.... DONE. We pretty gracefully cut that off.

He first tried blowing me off. I asked him why we weren't talking and that the "no communication" was making me frustrated. I asked him what his deal was. He told me this wasn't the time to talk about it. No response from me. He told me he was no longer interested. I told him okay, I respect that, we're no longer dating. See you around my friend, nice talking to you. Goodbye.

THEN. He has the nerve to drunken text me that night. Ugh, so rude. Men need to learn some respect.

peace.