Jack's new bag.

Check out Jack's new bag.

Look at that big nose on her! Nice thin lips too, just the way you like it. 

And I say "bag" in the most literal sense possible because this bitch literally looks 30. On top of that she looks HUGE. Guess I'm not tall and mammoth enough for him. Of course there's some picture of them together and that was the most recent post on Jack's thing. I can't say for sure if they're together, but knowing him she's probably the hottest thing since sliced bread right now.

So that's it! My first experience with love! Fell in love, got led on and ditched three times. That's a lovely romantic story I'll tell my kids someday; which hopefully will have a father that won't leave me and I'll tell them about how happy I was that I moved on. 

Because I have too. I might only have feelings for one person, but he doesn't have any interest in me back, clearly, or he'd be talking to me and not her. I decided that I'm not going to delete him from my facebook this time. Let him witness the cool stuff I've been up too lately if he gets bored and lonely again. I'm not going to talk to him though, ever. I've said what I need to say, I'm more at peace with myself now with him than I've ever been. I just don't want him talking to me again if he's going to do this, and to be honest I don't think I would... I can never trust his intentions again. 

If he wants to be with ugly girls now though that's his business, it's almost humorous now. She's going to age SO badly, hahahaha, seriously what the Fuck Jack! xD What are you thinking?  

Today I'm planning on going to the park to meet up with Michael Zhang. We're going to tan, maybe I'll make myself a passion tea or something. I haven't played my guitar yet but I played practically all day yesterday. I'll probably just play all evening. 

peace. 

Walking through the forests

Hello all.

Right now I'm sitting in Jessika's room, they just ran off together. We had a really nice walk in Zintar Canyon and Jessika's grandma's house is super comfortable. It's the kind of thrifty old wooden house that I like. I'm showing Tim this band called Porcupine Tree that I absolutely love and think he would too. Jessika had invited me over to jam with her friend Tim who she told me was really skilled. I was initially very intimidated by this but now that I've been taking lessons with Jacob I feel more confident in my skills. Annnyway....

Jamming went fine, he plays mainly cords and writes some of his own music. He was pretty impressed by my playing abilities having only played six months. I just needed the right tools-- which was my teacher, a lot of time and patience.

They're sort of just sitting there. They said they feel so chill right now, so I think they like my music taste.

I went to Katharine's graduation party today, that was also a pretty good experience. I caught up with a bunch of people and also met a couple of Katharine's friends from Central. Katharine's friends were really neat, I was impressed, especially this one really tan girl that looked like a blast to spend time with. This was also a good experience I really wanted a chance to talk to Khylee and Tim for some reason... I feel like their most lasting impression of me was back six years ago when I was a very offensive, loud moron.

But obviously I've changed since then. Khylee and Tim though, they don't seem like they've changed that much. They've always been smarter than most of the people in their class, they're witty, and I've always felt like they haven't liked me much because they've always sneered at whatever I say. Probably because Tim is one of those people that you say always something stupid around... My Mom said his Dad is sort of like that too, intimidatingly intelligent people. There are few people that intimidate me in this way, but Tim is one of them. Anyway, actually had a seemingly normal conversation with both of them today so that was nice.

I don't care much what people think of me, but I like to think I've made a half decent impression.

alright I'm gonna go to bed.

peace.

This week has been a bit of an emotional rollarcoaster.

It's been tough, really unnessasarily bad. Like this could of been completely avoided and I would have had a nice week and could have even spent some time with Katharine and enjoyed my last few days of Japanese. Nope, because I was too busy being sad because Jack somehow managed to suck me in and blow me off... what is this, the third time this has happened?



Because I do recall the same exact thing happening this time last May, back when I first started talking to Guy. Jack had started texting me when I was over at Brad Pitkin's movie night and I immediately lost interest in Guy for about two days. Jack talked to me nonstop almost (texting and talked for hours) for about two days, then suddenly stopped. Ran off and got with Jessica Small. This made me very hurt but I ignored it and ended up spending the summer with crazy ass Guy Stevens.

Speaking of which, lets see what he's up to one year later shall we?

Still partying his ass off, clearly. Hanging out with skeezy techno kids. The dubstep thing is just... so embarrassing. Granted I enjoy a little of techno when I exercise, but seriously anyone who listens to that garbage 24/7 is either on drugs or is mentally retarded. I look back on last summer and I realize how much of a dumbass he was and it makes me laugh that he had me so manipulated to think he was some hot shit somewhere.

lawl. I'm not even going to say it.

I just do not like him and I'm glad that I'm in a whole different boat than last summer.

Because trust me, I'd much rather be alone and safe in my own little musical world then having my emotions out on the front line like that. I'm very protective of my own wellbeing. Few people know how many trust issues I have, especially when it comes to men. This of course stemmed from Michael Kaminski but spiraled out of control when I was with Guy. I couldn't trust ANYTHING he was doing because he knew as well as I did that everything he was up to was shady bullshit. He would tell me all sorts of lies to get me to think highly of him when really he was just some loser that was living with his best friends that totally conned thousands of dollars out of DJs around the tri-cities.

I remember when Sheldon Miller told me about this and I didn't want to believe him but I knew he was telling the truth (of course).

.......


Anyway, back to what I was saying about Jack. A week ago he pulled the same thing he did last summer. We talked for like three hours, had a great conversation.. He tried to make plans with me at 3 in the morning. These plans clearly failed, he probably felt a little embarrised for "bitching out." But, instead of telling me, "Hey, Emily SORRY for bitching out on our plans, lets do it another time.." he just didn't even talk to me for an entire week. Am I so wrong to think that's rude?

So he doesn't want to be involved with me, big whoop, get over it. Well that would be easy to do but you guys have to understand that I don't bring this on. He comes to me each time, aside from the couple times that I've texted him first. Then he ditches me and it makes me feel like my friends think I've been the sad sack that's been pursuing his ass for two years. NO. WRONG.

And the thing is, he probably doesn't even know that I like him. And I post this here because there's no way in Hell he has the patience to read this, nor does he care enough to read anything that I'm writing because he doesn't care.

Right now, he's probably laying in his bedroom with some dumb girl that's probably the center of his world right now. He has no idea who she is, she probably has a boring personality, and is probably prettier than me in his eyes, thus more impressive to guys on his Lacrosse team or whoever the Hell he's trying to impress nowdays. I can't be certain, but this is what I choose to believe because history repeats itself.

It makes me sad... I guess you could say I waited for that phone call a bit, knowing that he'd probably want to spend time together over the summer since he just broke up with his last girlfriend and that's the pattern he follows.

Break up with girlfriend,
 talk to Emily when I feel lonely for two days
find new girlfriend
repeat.

This is why I told him when we're going to be studying in the same building that he's going to come to me for relationship advice. Because his sensitivity chip is somehow not there. This entire process that he does is just a game he does to feed his ego and for his own benefit. He has no idea how much it's hurt me when he's done this, and because I allowed him to get under my skin once again I had to suffer the consequences this week.

But my guitar is here, it's sitting next to me. That thing is so beautiful, Jacob was right I'm totally falling in love with it. That, right there, is going to be my summer. I want to get as good as I can before I go off to college. Bam, there's one goal for the summer. Second of course is to earn money! Work sucks but I just have to think of the savings. Dad gave me $200 today to sort of help out for the cost of the instrument. $43 of this went to getting the strings reset, $20 went into my gas tank. So now I only have about $130 to go into my actual savings account, what that money was for in the first place.

I'd say I should lay low with the spending this upcoming week but this will be hard with my party coming up and the fact that there's hardly any food in my house. My mom says she hates grocery shopping but I can't stand when there's not food here. I literally don't eat for long periods of time because of it because I feel to much guilt when I spend money on food but rarely find anything appetizing in my house. This is probably the result of a lot of my weight loss. Makes me not want to exercise tonight because I need to conserve these calories from that cereal I ate earlier tonight so I don't feel hungry in bed.

This Jack situation has sort of zapped my hunger... depression has a tendency to do that, or the opposite, you want to eat all the time. I don't think my stomach could take nearly as much food as I used to consume when I was younger. It's alright though, I don't need as many calories anymore because aside from work I'm a pretty sedentary person. I mean I do sit for at least three hours a day.

But yeah, guitar plays beautifully, I'll probably just chill here for another hour and a half or so and go to bed. Not much happened today but I was rather depressed; thus in a very bad mood toward customers in comparison to how I usually am. I'm just sick of people I guess. I saw Josh Kilgore but I didn't even say "hi." Called up a backup cashier so I wouldn't have to face him because I thought I'd start ranting and bitching. I have no angst toward him at all.

I'm fine, I was pretty beat up over this throughout the week but now that he's gone again I'm back to square one of loneliness. When he's not talking to me at least I don't feel like I'm anticipating anything. That's the hardest part is wondering if anything will become of our random late night conversations. Nope, it was all just a game.

Boy, I feel pretty stupid to have fallen for it for so long.

peace.

SOSOSOSOSO EXCITED!

AHHH!! i'm getting my new guitar today! I can hardly wait, only... one more hour before I'm going to be at Jacob's new studio warming up with my f*cking sick new Ibanez.

Today I had to take out $460 from my savings, leaving me $1,200 in my savings account and $250 in my checking currently. This was really hard to swallow, but here's how it's all going to play out:

The guitar will cost $350, this is an amazing deal for a guitar that was originally around $650-$700. My Dad is going to pay for $200 of which, and I'm going to ask Mom to pay $75. That's $75 out of pocket for me.

There was also the $80 this week for the lessons themselves, $40 of which my mom is supposed to pay. So really, all that's coming out of my savings is $115, which is doable. My savings balance will be a bit more when my parents pay me back, but I'm not too worried about it. I need to print out my practice sheet for the week and get going, it's almost 2:00 pm

peace.

Last time in the cbc library....

Ah, the CBC library. This might be the last time I ever sit in here.

Actually, I'd bet money that it is. This has never really been productive place for me, I usually just come in here and blog until I get so hungry that I have to leave. Today will be different though, I have come to do some major Japanese studying and get as much done as I can so I can be FINISHED with most of this  chapter and have this stress be relieved. This Thursday I have my last oral exam, so it'll really be my last day of class. It's a sad thought, but it's nice that I'll be moving on with my life. Sayounara! Wish you all the best. <3

Yesterday I was pretty sad about Jack flaking on some plans. I was beating myself up over it for no reason because I was extremely tired after not getting any sleep, working all day, and then having him bitch out after being excited about it. I didn't want to let myself get excited, as I'd asked him like four times when we were on the phone if he was SURE he would want me to drive there. But he was a little tipsy which made his confidence in the plans more than they should've been. He said he had to flake because it's finals week. I ended up throwing a bit of a fit to my mom about it, who told me it was okay and to go take a nap. The nap did help a lot, but I woke up sort of frantically at 10:20 when I realized I hadn't played guitar all day (yes, my practicing does mean this much to me, it's silly but I really want to get good).

Jacob has not replyed to my message about buying the Ibanez. I'm considering calling him today. I really want that guitar and it's an awesome deal. I could pretty much pay it out of pocket today and my parents could pay me back later, I don't care. I'm just so fucking tired of that guitar that I'm using now, the neck is too thick and it's hindering my progress. I'll get Jacob's number off yelp and call him today if I can find my phone.

I'm having a feeling that guy isn't even selling the guitar anymore... he probably already sold it to someone else. It makes me sad, that guitar is usually $700 and I would be getting such a good deal on it. I guess I can only hope not, my parents aren't going to want to spend that much on it, they've got a whole bunch of other stuff to worry about. They promissed me they'd get me a new guitar as a graduation present though, but I need to make sure I tell them specifically what I want so my Dad doesn't show up at home with some guitar from Carl's or something.

I could see him doing that. He has randomly purchased instruments for me because he thinks it's what I'd want. No, he has no idea what I want because my playing style is so specific to thin necked guitars-- a lot of which my parents would think are ugly. My cell bill needs to be paid,but I'd rather postpone that this month for a week or so if I can get my guitar a little earlier than two weeks from now. More than likely that's what I'll have to do.

People keep on talking about drinking and getting drunk to me and it cracks me up because I cannot relate to it at all. I have absolutely no intention of drinking when I get up to college because I don't want to get fat. Girls that drink a lot always seem to have that weird poochy belly. Pot doesn't make you fat. Well, that is unless you get the munchies all the time which I don't. Actually I think it decreases my hunger because I'm so focused on something else. With my head the way it's been this last weekend, I really need to distract myself all I can.

Shoot, I just remembered I need to get a haircut. I'm going to go to Wal mart and get that taken care of, but I'm still going to make an effort to study later tonight after I get the kitchen cleaned up.

peace.

today....

 I let myself get excited over nothing.


peace.

Remember when I was so strange and likeable.

Sigh...

I'm sitting here in the living room at Carmin and Chad's. I watched Tori this evening, who was super well behaved. I was texted right after I got out of work. They should be pulling in here any minute but you know how it goes; I told them they could stay out as long as they want.

It was incredible to watch Tori today. She's gotten so much bigger and she looks adorable, I love her very much. It tripped me out because I watched her so many times as a baby and then to not see her for a year.. She's got her own little personality! She's so cute and bright, it makes me actually look forward to having kids someday.

As expected, I'm suddenly in contact with Jack again, what a huge surprise. He's not going to be moving back to the tri cities this summer though so I don't see us spending any time together. I've been sort of bitchy at him, honestly. I just find it almost impossible not too after my angst and frustration toward him in the past. At least we're on a communication basis to where I'm not trying to avoid him anymore.

Because I guess you could say the reality of Western is setting in with my whole family, and I just don't think it's in the cards for me. It's 8 hours away, which is a long ass drive that I don't know my car can handle. I probably couldn't transfer my job because its in an entirely different district. I could potentially feel quite isolated there, and the depressing weather doesn't help. Speaking of which, I JUST got over my depression, making the Western situation seem so overwhelming...

Central really is the best option. I know this, and I've known it all along but I was so worried about not having my own experience because the fear of Katharine "showing me the ropes" and not being able to figure things out on my own. Well, Katharine is leaving down to LA soon and if I ever need some advice on how Central works she'd be a great person to call, and I can still have my own experience even if I do know some people there. My Dad knows a lot of people in the business department at Central. I'd be majoring in business administration with a specialization in Human Resources.

I wanted to go to Western when I was so desperate to get away from everyone, but I've realized that maybe I don't want to leave Katelynn, Samantha... these people in my life in the tri-cities that I love so much. Granted, yeah I'm not going to be around nearly as much but going to Central will allow me to return home for the holidays when Western probably wouldn't of. Driving over the pass is dangerous as Hell, so scary.

This is a brief reminder to myself that I got a video request. I'll probably do it in one of my cosplay wigs. I've got four days to do this:

Cosplay Interview Questions

How would you define cosplay?

What factors led you to start cosplaying?

When and where did you first cosplay? What was your first costume? How did others react? Was it a positive or negative experience? How old were you?

How have you changed since you started cosplaying?

How do you obtain costumes? Do you make them? Buy them? Alter?

What do you understand as understood rules of cosplaying?

How do you feel about other cosplayers?

Who do you look up in cosplay? Why?

Do your friends cosplay? How do those you know react to your hobby?

How do you feel about cosplaying? Is it a social taboo?

What has been your best experience with cosplay? Your worst?

How many costumes do you have?

Do you prefer doing costumes by yourself or in a group?

Do you have any other interests/hobbies?

How do you think people who don’t cosplay view cosplay?

It's for Khillian, she's doing a school project. Great excuse to make a video.

It's 12:00 am. I'm getting tired. I should probably try to get a little shut eye before they get home.. I've got work tomorrow but I feel restless. My head is just swimming right now.

peace.