I think I might have finally found what I needed to make me happy here.
Lol can you see him? This is Marshall, I adopted him yesterday at the pet store in town.
I seriously could not be happier. Having this little guy to come home to after class has made me feel so much less alone in this place. Because I realize that not having a cat was what has made me feel so lonely! When I'm not living with other people I feel the most productive and content, and for said reason I'm never going to have a roommate again in my life. So it was really hard for me to figure out why I felt so bad-- like I wanted to be alone but didn't.. It was all just because I wanted something to feel unconditional love from and to take care of. Friendships don't satisfy that.
Adopting a cat from a pet store in town was not as cheap as picking up a free barn cat from a litter on craigslist but for me it was totally worth it. I knew that pets adopted out from small pet stores are usually very well bred and taken care of prior to release. Marshall was already litter box trained when I got him which has saved me a lot of hassle.
So yeah I've just been 20x more calm and happy since I got him... He's can be very playful and curious but also very loving and relaxed with me. He has a little whiny cry right now and "mews" a lot to get my attention when he wants something-- which is usually just to be picked up. He can't climb the stairs but he's already really used to me carrying him around. When I first got him yesterday he made me nervous when I'd try to pick him up and he'd whine in pain and tense up like Michiko does but he stopped doing that too.
Today I had a public finance test that I think I did pretty well on. I got a 75% on that Money and banking quiz-- pretty sucky but the grade I expected to get after not studying as well as I should have. I'm REALLY hoping Ghosh gives us back that test and the quiz tomorrow... that's getting old.
I am developing a crush on a guy in my Money and Banking class. The more I've noticed him the cuter I think he is. Unfortunately I know he has a girlfriend. At this point I quite honestly do not care.... if he ends up talking to me that is. All of our conversations we've had to this point have been very school related and "small talk-y." Definitely not flirtatious.
My day was not great but not completely useless. After having such a hectic study day on the 29th I admittedly slacked a little bit preparing for my money and banking quiz. I'm probably going to have to face the nasty effects of that tomorrow because I can honestly say I guessed on quite a few of them. There's a good likelihood I got a crappy score on this quiz and this weekend will be spent doing a lot of studying for my Money and banking test on Wednesday and my public finance test on Monday.
Before I had checklists I now realize on days that I did bad on quizzes and tests I wouldn't usually do anything. Like I'll usually feel drained, end up sleeping to not stress about it, then spend the rest of my evening on the computer and tidying up. Tonight came really close to that but instead I really forced myself to read not just one but two of my public finance chapters. Didn't get everything done that I'd ambitiously planned this morning on my checklist but at least did SOME things.
As always, the more I get done tomorrow the better, even if I do have to get some other stuff done like grocery shopping and make sure I pay Jake for the second half of October and the first half of November.
Today is Halloween and even if I missed the boat entirely when it comes to partying I'm still planning to wear that wig to class tomorrow and will probably do my makeup a little overboard. I'll make sure to take a picture tomorrow morning for you all to see.
I really should be sleeping right now but I drank a grande coffee about two hours ago. My friend Randy and I had a plan to study Money and banking in the library but after studying for three hours this morning for my managerial test, plus taking the test itself... My motivation wasn't really there this evening, I had to relax. So I ended up meditating for about an hour.. probably dozed off a couple times but set a couple alarms to make sure I'd wake up in 30 minute increments or so. I knew I had to meet Randy at the library at 8'.. I texted him at about 7:35 saying that I'm "superrrr tired" and he offered to come pick me up! I really appreciated that...
I was also hungry... and there's not much to eat in my house right now because I've been so busy with studying I literally have not had time to do anything. Not even play guitar. Any time spent these past two days that wasn't spent preparing food, cleaning or otherwise taking care of myself was spent studying. I barely even went on facebook today which made me pretty proud of myself... sometimes that can create such a waste of time.
...Anyway Randy and I drove over to Arbys, which as you guys know is my favorite fast food place, mainly because of the cherry turnovers being so f**king heavenly but rarely ever actually available. I love that icing on top.... Come to think of it I've been eating a lot of foods with icing on it lately. Like the other day my mom came up and we had Dominoes and I got those cinnamon sticks with icing... Then I've got these weird oatmeal "whole grain" poptarts that have crunchy icing on top.
They're called "Oatmeal Delights." I got some strawberry ones at Bargain market.... for a Bargain, ha ha durrrr
No but seriously they are quite good.
The managerial test was not as hard as I'd expected it... Granted I say this but could be eating my words when they get handed back to us but I will say that it was more understandable for me than the last test because this one relied more on formulas and finding outputs then theory.
I have my money and banking true/false quiz tomorrow. I'm *planning* to get up early in about 6 hours to squeeze some last minute reading for that in as well because I've been neglecting my other subjects almost every day since last Thursday. Studying with Randy this evening was probably pretty frustrating for him because I was *super* ADHD for some reason.. Like there was this guy listening to a song that I knew by Dream theater SUPER loud on the computer. Or maybe it was Megadeth, I don't know, it frustrates me because I knew what the song was and when I heard the solo started likejamming out to it in my seat and singing along with it....
Ha ha I've started doing this a lot lately, like I'll start "singing in guitar" without realizing it if I get a riff going through my head out or like today when I heard a solo through someone's muffled headphones. GOD I love guitar...
Night folks
Let's see it's 10:40 pm, I've studied a total of 4 hours, 40 minutes today on a single subject. My goal is 7. Why seven? Today when I was studying in the hallway I heard one of Ghosh's students come out of a test they had today. He said to this other girl sitting there cramming, "I studied for like 7 hours and I still don't know if I'm ready..." Taking all my time combined this previous weekend I've spent 6 hours but I felt like most of it was playing catch up to where I should have been had I been keeping up with the material and my mind not in the clouds on prozac.
I didn't talk to Terry at all in Money and Banking and I noticed him kind of lingering after class and I thought he might ask if I wanted to study. I looked at him then shifted my glance and he asked Kevin P. I felt sort of this silent understanding that neither of us benefit much from studying together. It doesn't help either of us because Terry usually just tries to coattail onto what I'm doing and when I'm not 100% on the material I usually get too distracted by Terry's looks to think clearly.
Granted I still like sitting my Terry... being next to him always sort of gives me that "teenage crush" feeling even if I know it's not going anywhere. I have noticed this other guy in my econ class named Sam who I think is kind of cute though. He's blonde, nice build, seems really intelligent, doesn't have a facebook and once inquired about my tattoo... I sort of built up the courage to make small talk with him upon leaving today. We made small talk about the tests and I probably sounded like a paranoid goober as always.
So I totally missed the boat on halloween this year!
(well I'll still get trick or treaters.... hopefully)
I mean I'll still be giving out candy on halloween and what not but everyone got wasted in costumes this last weekend. I missed my chance again!! Graaaaahhhhh!!! But for a good reason.. I know if I didn't rest and get work done this weekend I would have been freaking out right now.
I do plan to wear my blue wig to Money and Banking on Thursday though, that will be really hilarious. I'm just planning on walking in like it's nothing. I also bought some blue tights. Maybe I'll wear my wig with black shirt, the blue tights with my black skirt... would that be too much for class? Probably. I'll have decided on that by Thursday morning I'm sure.
God I have been NEGLECTING reading my public finance book... Luckily the stuff that Sipic has talked about this past week or so has been really straight forward. I never feel lost during his lectures like I do during managerial.. I hate that feeling so much. I've planning on doing all of my homework for that class Wednesday night... Then I've got probably three hours of studying AFTER my big Managerial test to study for a money and banking quiz on Tuesday.
So yeah really all I've been doing is working today. Work, smoke, sometimes a little guitar, work, eat.... Last night I got invited to my friend Tyler H.'s house to enjoy some drops and watch South Park. His roommate was really cool too and their place was super pretty and clean on the inside... No offense to Tyler but I didn't know what to expect-- he's kind of... earthy I guess.
Lol I don't tell him this but he also kind of reminds me of a hobbit... He's just really happy with his life, simple things, loves the outdoors...
Happy he's my friend. I hope I get to hang out with him again soon. Little kickbacks like that are very much preferred to me than going and drinking with a bunch of loud people.
Alright guess that's all I had to say, people. Wish me luck tomorrow... Having done over 4 hours I'm definitely feeling more confident than I did yesterday but I still have a ton of technical problems/applied problems to do before I'm ready.
I'm planning to try another couple hours tonight... I know that the marginal utility of my studying diminishes the more hours I do so I don't know what good it'll do me but any work I do tonight will save me work I have to do after Money and Banking tomorrow.
Things have gotten a lot better academically since I cut back my dose of prozac. I definitely feel more "with it" than I did before and able to comprehend the material more easily. At this point in time however I do feel like time is against me and that I'm going to have to really fight this quarter to pass one of my classes.
Managerial has gone from bad to worse. I studied for the quiz for 4 1/2 hours on Wednesday and really thought I had the material down but the way the multiple choice questions were worded you almost had to have mastered it to know the correct answer.
Like here's an example...
Going into the test I knew that oligopolies are markets that are dominated by a small number of sellers selling slightly differentiated products. Pricing decisions that one firm makes effects price that other firms in the industry makes (an oligopolist company lowering prices would cause demand for the other firms to drop, therefore the other firms would be forced to drop their prices too...)
You think that would be enough to know about one concept... Here's the question I got on the test about Oligopolies (*might not be the exact wording but this is basically what it said)
Which of the following is true of oligopolies?
A. Oligopolies are large companies that are few in number and sell standardized products.
B. Oligopolies are large companies that are few in number and sell differentiated products.
C. The price decisions made by oligopolies tend to effect it's competitors.
D. (*...another answer that seemed true)
E. All of the above.
So of course I'm just sitting here like Wtf. A and B cancel eachother out... When I think of standardized products I think of oranges or something in a perfectly competitive market so I ruled out A.. But then I thought B and C were correct so I didn't want to just choose either. I should have chose B because I know for sure that one is right but I ended up choosing E because I was convinced that B, C and D were all correct...
There were a lot of questions on the test like this. Two answers look right, and then sometimes you have the choice of "all of the above" or "b and d" or something like that. I'm hoping, hoping, hoping I passed and got over a 70%... Seriously passing is what I care about in this class. Ghosh and I just don't connect... I don't like the way he lectures-- he goes way too fast and makes me feel like I don't belong there.. He makes me feel like I picked the wrong major. Which is the worst feeling imaginable...
So I have to fight. I want to be an economist. I want to have managerial skills and understand marginal analysis! I want to speak this language and be able to use economics terms correctly and confidently when I have to do essay questions on his tests. I know that in order to do this I have to work like I never have before while not neglecting my Money and Banking and Finance classes-- neither of which are cakewalks by any means.
But for some reason I always feel more initiative to read Sipic's material first, even if technically I'm doing the best in his class of all three and should be putting that last on my list. I think once again it just shows that my motivation is based a lot on the authority figure that I'm trying to impress. And I WANT TO do well in Ghosh's class too... (Jake would have me reword that to "I will do good in Ghosh's class") But it's the hardest class I've ever taken.
This weekend I've dedicated almost entirely to studying. My Mom should be coming up this evening and we're going to go shopping tomorrow for the career fair. I think she's also going to get me a winter coat to survive the nasty wind and cold coming up here in less than a month.
YangHaiYing made this video that really inspired me yesterday. It's true, school and work is chaos! When you have someone telling you what to do you feel out of control. That's why when you're alone and it's quiet (when you naturally want to be lazy because you can) you have to "create chaos" to continue making progress.
The most important thing is to never give up... Ghosh has honestly been the first one that's made me question if I really belong here. I called my Mom yesterday and she said "Well maybe you don't need to do two majors, just do one..." I was like "Wtf? No!" That's basically like saying "Too hard, well fuck it I'll just half ass this."
I will get that double major. I have this image in my head of how proud I will be to have both of those degrees and how ready and confident I will be to enter the real workforce at that point. In order to get there I MUST understand the logical theories that accompany MARGINAL ANALYSIS. I need to eat, sleep, breath marginal analysis... lol.
Brad came over the other evening which was really nice, I made him chicken linguine with vegetables and he really liked it even if it turned out kind of spicy for my taste. Lol I'm not used to cooking for two people. We watched South Park and the Office and talked for hours. He's definitely one of my best friends, I feel like I can talk to him about anything and he won't judge me. He's very complimentary of me so he helps boost my self esteem when I'm feeling depressed... Yup, even if Brad's in his 30's I can relate to him much better than most people my age. Hanging around Brad has also made me more interested in men in their late 20's early 30's because I realize the maturity difference there.
Ha ha of course you all know one guy in his 30's that I'm absolutely crazy about.... Sigh, he's so amazing, funny, handsome and intelligent... If I could ever find a man like that I'd be set and live happily ever after.
I've realized that I no longer want to take my current dose of Prozac and move back down to 40 mg. I thought that taking 60 would make me feel happier but I'm realizing it has a way of making me feel slow. It's making it hard to have everyday conversations with people because I feel extremely uninterested. Granted my moods have been pretty stabilized. It's taken that "longing" feeling away for the most part which has been nice and I've felt less of a need to communicate-- which can be a good and a bad thing.
I guess my main problem with prozac is that I've noticed an increased difficulty in connecting ideas. Like I'll be talking to people and forget where I'm going and just trail off and get really quiet... Like I forget where I'm going with an idea completely.
So yeah, hopefully cutting back to 40 mg is going to be something that will help me further advance toward where I want to be. I'd like to be more confident with my schoolwork so I can allow myself more freedom to have fun and experience my time here. Being more confident requires planning ahead of time and being proactive on a timely manner. Procrastination is still a problem I have, mainly attributed to facebook.
This daily goal checklist that Jacob recommended I do has helped quite a bit over the last few days though. Today I just found myself sort of lazy... I think Prozac at this dosage has a way of making my mind sluggish in general, like as I write this I'm just thinking "Wrap this up so I can be done..." and haven't had the motivation to write much at all lately.
F*ck, not cool... Just now am I realizing that these past two weeks I really haven't felt like myself, and starting tomorrow I'm going back to 40 mg to see if I feel more clearheaded.
Okay I know you guy's can't really tell what all that is but that was my to-do list today and everything I've gotten done and it's only 7:30 pm. I studied a total of 3 hours today, including a solid hour on Managerial and I'm not even done yet. I also read the entire chapter on Public goods twice this weekend.
This last Thursday I was feeling really discouraged about my time management lately... Like having gotten a 72% on that Money and Banking test made me realize that I had to change some things to more evenly distribute my studying for my classes instead of just focusing primarily on one course for an upcoming assignment. By writing out all that I need to do at the beginning of the day makes me feel obligated to accomplish them, this really does work.
Jake also sent me this packet called "Live Your Legend" weekly planning which is going to help me reflect on the progress I'm making each week as well as set goals for upcoming weeks. So yeah, this has been great.. This weekend I've been more productive than I was all week and I plan to continue to use these methods this week to feel more confident both academically and the guitar, and this confidence will evolve into happiness.
Jake told me that the power of perception is everything too, and by simply forcing myself to think "I CAN read this chapter..." instead of "Damn I don't want to read this..." or "I will do this" instead of "I wish I'd do this.." This has helped me a ton this week too. Whenever I find myself getting stressed over not understanding the material I'm reading I think to myself "I can learn this" and it sort of pushes me to move forward. I know it sounds silly but it works.
Uhh let's see, Friday I just stayed in (did get invited to go out but have been hacking my brains out all weekend and wanted to heal).
Yesterday evening when I felt a little better I decided to go to Kyle's house when he'd invited me to hang out. I had already told Kyle like twice that I wasn't really into him that way so I was surprised that he invited me to hang out in the first place. I saw his friends that he lives with from the other night, one of them was sooo wasted and loud and borderline scary acting... I definitely was not into any of the guys there that way either. Originally when I came over I thought we'd be going to the bars but we ended up staying because there was a party going on next door.
Short, tight party dresses. I can't say I own any of these.
Their neighbor that was having a party was this girl named Lyndsey who seemed really nice, of course it was late and who knows how drunk everyone was. She was really pretty and her friends were too. They were wearing these teeny-tiny dresses that I always see girls wearing at college parties.. Of course I'm over here in jeans like always. I was really stoked to have met Lyndsey because she lived in on her own in a house too, is a senior and we seemed to have a lot in common so I was trying to talk to her. Her boyfriend showed up though and she wandered off so I don't know if I made a lasting impression.
I think I was pretty friendly there and it was nice that I got out and be around people though I doubt I'll see any of them again. The more Kyle came onto me the more I pushed him away and now that he realizes he can't get anything out of it there's no point in having me around.
Meh who cares. I'm not here to build relationships, I'm here to grow intellectually and confidence as an individual.
