The type of dream that you're relieved when you wake up.

God, I had an awful dream. I'm gonna write it so I don't forget it and hopefully figure out what it means.

I was babysitting, and took a nap. When I woke up, Maddie and Andrew were gone. I searched the house, yelling out their names, and when I realized they were gone called their parents and they were home immediately. The dream then skipped to a hotel, where there was this kind looking woman who was standing there smiling, saying that the "children were in there..". A policeman openned the door and the woman said that she killed them and cut off their limbs (Note that I had just seen a southpark episode where they had done the same thing).
I immediately took it upon myself, saying that if I hadn't of been sleeping she wouldn't of been able to lure them out of the house somehow. Apparently, she said she'd done it with pizza. It was a horrible feeling, and I was crying all the time. Skipping to the highschool for some reason. This one hispanic gay guy got out of a truck being driven by Troy C.'s Mom. He was this one guy that walks around CBC wearing really flamboyant clothes and has his eyebrows perfectly manicured. Very obviously gay. He comes up to me and we hug, as if we know eachother really well and haven't seen eachother in a long time.
He goes, "Are you a gossip? Suddenly everyone in the school knows that I'm gay and I only told you!"
And I responded, "Well, maybe I told one friend of mine but he lives in Pasco so the news couldn't of spread here.."
He then tells me that Sarah V. knows, and that she said she heard it from me, and told all of her friends. So then I tell him, "You know, I'm had a really horrible day, and don't want to talk about this." Apparently refering to the babysitting situation.
This is where the dream gets really weird. For some reason, at the school I sat down with a bunch of mormon people, all wearing missionary outfits. I told Joe Lloyd, my friend Adam's dad, about what had happened and he counciled me on it. I told him that I cared about these kids more then any other kids I could think of.
The mormons apparently made a decorative... chair covered in psalms that they were going to sell at the school regardless of seperation of church and state. [[this part of the dream makes really no sense to me, but me and Katelynn did see missionaries riding their bikes on our way to Wal mart]].

So that's the dream, I'm going to try to define it.
For the first part of the dream where these kids that I care about get murdered because of my carelessness...

1. A killer in dreams represents the eradication of an important part of your emotional self. You may be at risk of losing who you truly are.

2. Dreams about hotels refer to a new unusual state of mind or a shift in your usual paradigm. I feel that lately, with the sudden lack of interest in Japanese things, I've been more into rock music and have taken up the guitar again. For some reason, the guitar now feels more comfortable, and I can play without getting bored.

3. Dreaming about pizza can suggest a feeling of prevailance over a feeling of deprevation or of something you wish to accomplish.

For a long time I've wanted to go back to playing the guitar, and it felt right to me. Though pizza was only refered to in my dream, it very much makes sense now. Literally i've been staring at that guitar for weeks going, "I should really start playing again sometime.."

So overall, this part of the dream tells me that I'm worried about how much I've been smoking and that I should lay off because it's causing paranoia. It also has made me realize that playing the guitar is a new interest, and is more appealing to me than it's ever been.

Moving on to part 2 of the dream, where I'm at the highschool and get in an arguement.

1. To dream about gossip means you are only doing something that will hinder your progress.

OBVIOUSLY this refers to smoking, being depressed AND my sudden stop in studying japanese. I still want to learn Japanese as a second language, and know that I can do it, so I need to keep studying hard and trying. But I really feel like this is about smoking because it's one thing that will only set me back.

2. Dreaming about homosexual people when you are straight can represent lack of self confidence about the opposite sex.

This definately makes sense considering that I went to the park yesterday and hung out with two couples. Admittedly, this made me very lonely. It was Rachelle and her bf, and samantha and shawn. They are nice people, and made sure to incorporate me into things so I wouldn't feel like the 5th wheel, but it's still pretty awkward.
I do have lack of confidence about the opposite sex. I feel like I'm always the girl that is "okay", but he feels like he could do better. The fact that I oftentimes think I'm unattractive and lower my standards because I feel like any guy that is "normal" wouldn't like me is definately what the random appearance of a homosexual guy that I don't know in person is about.

Moving on to the last weird part about the mormons...

There is no definition for thinking about mormons or missionaries, so I'm going to use cult. I know that word itself has a bad connoctation, but if you look at the definition of cult it fits.

1. To see a cult in your dream can represent that you have yet to arise to spiritual freedom.

This makes a lot of sense for me because I am still very much afraid of death, as well as the idea of the afterlife. I am not convinced that there is an afterlife, nor do I sincerely believe in Jesus Christ or any religion as much as I'd like too.

2. To see a chair in your dream symbolizes you need to sit down and contemplate a situation before proceeding. Or, it can also mean that you need to relax.

I'm not sure in either case on this one. Based on the fact that I've been through depression recently would make sense that I need to relax and take things one step at a time. It's depressing that I don't have a job, but I need to relax and take things one step at a time until I have one.

That's it with the dream. I'm so glad I wrote that down and got it out of my system, though I am still disturbed slightly by it. I know now that I am subconciously disturbed by the amount that I've been smoking lately, and need to cut back on it. I also know that this new interest in the guitar again is a good thing for me and I need to keep playing because it gives me a productive mental escape.

It's morning. I'm sitting in bed, it's almost 10 am. I'm eating haribo speghetti candy from last night. They're sour and yummy, but I'm pretty sure I've eaten the 150 empty calorie serving and should stop and go get some real food. They're making my fingers sticky.

Me and katelynn made a huge mess of the kitchen and I think I'm going to clean it up to make my mom happy after I eat breakfast. She's had a long week, so probably won't be up and going for another hour and a half or so. I'm going to play guitar and watch some TV, then I gotta study for finals. Yep, today is going to be a productive day hopefully.

yours,

emily

I've been smoking with my friend to get away from the stresses in my life, but my mom says substance abuse can lead me on a very bad path. Honestly, though, last night the depression had sort of come to a halt when I was with my friend, and we smoked to enjoy our time instead of getting anything out of our heads. I told her that I was nervous about what my mom said, and then I considered the people that smoke and party on a daily basis and let it interfere with their schoolwork... or don't go to school at all, and sit around and get high. When I do smoke, I do it responsibly. I do it when I don't have school or anything like that. I currently don't have a job, but I wouldn't if I had one.
Now that I know that this fear is imbedded inside of me, I need to cut back on smoking.
This could ALSO have to do with the Japanese thing, and how I have suddenly "lost interest" due to working for that horrendous korean woman. My mom was asking me, "So are you going to drop Japanese III or what?" I think maybe I don't want to let it go, but have been just turned off, for now because of the circumstances involved.