How else would I spend it. (Project year timeline, 20, 19.)

Time is funny to think about.

We as humans live with the inevitable. We are given the gift of life and someday we will die, it's something we must accept and learn to live with in order to live a happy, progressive, fulfilled life. If we spend too much time worrying about what's going to come in the afterlife, we're wasting valuable time that we could spend LIVING.

As we grow older we change as people, we get a better idea of our identity and place in society, as well as reflect on how we've grown and changed. Time seems to go by slow, I felt as though I'd never get out of here but here it is.... August 27th, I've now got . . .

16 days! 

I hung out at Katelynn's last night. We're trying to spend as much time together as we can before I leave. I'm probably going to hang out with her again on Tuesday after I hang out with Samantha. Samantha doesn't know about this yet but we've sort of gotten into a routine about when we all hang out. How else would I spend my last two weeks here but hang out with my best friends.

You know what might be fun? (Well, for me) Instead of a typical countdown, I think for every blog entry that I write between now and when I leave I'm going to talk about that year and post a picture from that year (if I have one). I'm going to do this to reflect, and by the end of this I should have a whole timeline from year to year. 

I'm not going to start with "16", if I would have had this idea I would have started when I had 20 days left. I guess I'll just do a couple years today and do more of them as I countdown. I hope that in writing these I can someday print my blog and further preserve these vivid memories that swim in my mind. They might not be there forever, as one's mind has a way of forgetting "unnecessary" details in order to make room for whatever your current main focus is. 

Project Year Timeline

Age 20, Present

2011-2012

-Confident

-No longer depressed.

-Found my salvation in the guitar.

-Best shape from workout videos.. no longer sports, running, etc..

..I'm not going to bother talking about myself now because you guys know everything that's been happening in my life lately, this is almost irrelevant. 

I honestly find myself much more attractive than back in 2011 when I was trying to be something I wasn't. Well, with my fashion (or lack thereof, can't say trying to emulate what Magibon and Japanese girls wore was much of a style.)

______________________________________

photo taken July 2011

Age 19, 2010-2011

Year of Magibon, Cuteness, and all the Japanese I could swallow

My 19th year started at CBC, this was my first real year of full time college classes because the previous year I was still going to highschool. After not making any friends at CBC when I was in running start, I decided to get more involved and take a lot of Japanese. Because Japanese is a huge challenge and takes a ton of studying, I needed the inspiration to keep going with it. I started making Bento boxes, watched videos by Magibon, and hung out with other Japanophiles.

And I cosplayed! There's the video from Kuro Neko 2011. Though I look cute and might even appear to be having a good time, 2011 was not nearly as fun for me as 2010. Because I was working in the maid cafe I was literally volunteering for most of the con and didn't get to spend very much time with Shawn, Sam and Eddie. I really shouldn't have done it but I thought it would be an amazing time because what could be funner than working in a REAL Japanese emulated maid cafe, right?

Feels silly now that I look back on it. 

The truth is that back in 2011 I was still very insecure. My year started out bad when I met Michael K. from Indianapolis and scared my parents half to death that I actually might be with a person loud and obnoxious like that. 

Summer 2011. When I took Japanese and went to anime conventions, I tried to surround myself that I felt wouldn't judge me. A lot of people that go to anime conventions are artsy, open minded types-- and typically very friendly! Same with the people that took Japanese with me. Of course there's good and bad people in any situation... But I really can't think of any particularly *mean* people that I've ever met in the Japanese culture/anime loving fanbase. Granted I have met irritating as Hell people as well those that are very disconnected with reality... 

2011 was the meat and potatos of community college, I took a lot of my hardest classes and excelled in many. I never took any business classes and just had my mind set on getting my AA in hopes I'd find something I liked.

Overall:

Looks: Broke away from band shirts when I discovered Magibon, so more femininity which got me more attention from guys than I was getting before, including older men such as Tyson, 30-some year old stoner in my Technical Writing class. 

Work: No job, went to school full time and barely got by with what my parents gave me.

Friends: Hung out a lot with people in the Japanese club circle at school. Met Michael Z. and saw him around CBC a lot. I did meet people outside  the Japanese club circle but the friendships would fizzle off. 

Skills: I learned a lot of Japanese when I was 19. I thought that was something I wanted from my career, but really deep down (though I didn't know it yet) it was really just something I had to accomplish because CBC was probably my only chance in life to do it. Got sick of it by 2012 but continued to study it. 

Love: There really was none, I had some BAD experiences with the WRONG guys that were short lived. Guy S. was really the only guy I had extended interaction with, and he was a shady character that for my safety I probably shouldn't have been around. We did have some good times and he kept the beginning of that summer interesting. 

The only guy I really had strong feelings for was Josh F. He and I got along very well and had some hilarious times in Mr. Zhang's math class with the masturbation kid that sat in front of us that we'd try and avert our gazes from. It was so funny, Josh used to start gagged and cracking up at the same time and he'd have to leave lecture. 

I originally met Josh through Tyson. They'd smoke between classes. I felt really uncomfortable with this notion, but I'd sit with Tyson and talk about all sorts of weird theories in the A building before class with old Professor Commeree. Josh would talk to Tyson, and the next quarter we were in Math 96 together. 

June 12, 2011. This was taken really shortly after I met Guy and I remember getting pissed off about the slutty looking girl. I of course at the time had NO idea what I was getting into and probably completely over my head to think I was going to get some sort of.... I don't know, did I want a relationship out of this person? I have no idea. 

In that same Math 96 class I met Cory B., who I went with to get lunch and met Guy when we went back to Cory's house. I remember seeing Guy  looking perfect with his bronze tan, beautiful smile and perfect white teeth and I was hooked. 

Confidence: Not very good because of all of the problems that had occured during the year from choosing the wrong men to be attracted too. I'd sometimes put my foot in my mouth during lectures at CBC before Christian S. told me that I straight needed to SHUT. UP. And. LISTEN. This was a huge step in the right direction for 2012. When this year ended I was happy to have a new start.

I'll do 2010 tomorrow. I now need to start exercising because I just drank a protein drink.

peace.

Cleaning out my closet (or my mom's computer), my Japanophile phase pictures.

I feel so flattered today!

I posted a picture that I took in my room this morning because I figured I needed a new default, something a little less black and white to lighten things up. I posted the picture and it has like 18 likes on it. I don't really know why someone "liking" something should mean anything, but it does make me very complimented. Speaking of changes, I think I might change the background on this blog. It's all very clique and I like to change it up every so often. Not like anyone reads this thing anyway. Don't blame them, this is super boring. To be honest I prefer it this way.

Onto today's topic!



"Beauty and the Beast seemed like it all was really brown. The whole thing was just so brown and orange and yellow, like Burger King or something. I don't think I would have liked Beauty and the Beast at any age."
-Mike Judge(an awesome quote I heard earlier, completely unrelated, but the picture is.)

I absolutely cannot stand anything bento or "kawaii" related anymore. Because Kawaii itself is a breed of animation and products that can't be matched by anything in the West yet, I've just reached an absolute burnout. Seeing this picture above of a bento box makes me laugh at how much time and effort I put into those stupid little things! They provided barely any food and sometimes I would put items in there just for show because they looked good and knew damn well that later it wouldn't be very tasty. Ugh, I tried. Deleted on my mom's computer, thought I'd further immortalize it online. I'm trying to clear out some of the seas of images I've stored on this poor device. I'll just upload the ones that stand out.

When I was shopping for a cosplay dress, I saved this because I thought it was cute. That ridiculous thing. What the Hell was I thinking?

Yeah, no. Good ridance to that, forever.

Never uploaded because I hate this picture of me.

This is actually me this summer. Uhm, yeah, I think I'm going to start wearing at least some tinting lotion good lord, it was NOT nessasary to strive to be that pale in freaking July.

A sort of cute picture of me that I never uploaded and now I don't see why, it's a lot better than the picture that I did choose because God forbid you should actually see a little of my top lip. That's another thing, the top lip thing that I do in pictures is something I copied from none other than....

Fucking magibon!!! See a resemblance?

www.youtube.com/mririan

Yeah, wasn't too real about my personality there for awhile. I wanted so badly to be like Magibon, or Margaret Adams. Cute, shy, almost nervous... emulating a Japanese "kawaii" persona in a Western world. It inspired me to the point that I actually decided to LEARN Japanese, and it pushed me up until this point.

This point that I started playing guitar (this started around Christmas. Solid hour a day, THAT was the rule) and realized that music interested me a lot more than Japanese things. I wanted to learn all about it and experience it, as I'd always been envious of people that could shred on guitar. I decided that what the Hell, i'm going to actually put in the practice time to do this. This was a very good decision because it has helped my confidence significantly to develop a skill that nobody can take away from me. That, and coming closer to graduation and facing the REAL world.

I'm like, humiliated posting these you guys I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to say that Magibon didn't have a possitive influence. When I discovered her videos, I was in the stage where I was wearing.. well, GUYS shirts-- black band shirts that covered everything, it was basically like a niqab of my femininity. I felt like I had something to prove my Junior year or so, after going through the Hell of my sophomore year I just wanted people to know I didn't give a shit anymore about what they thought and I was done trying to do myself up for them.

So because of Magibon's influence, I started really getting into cutesy Japanese style, mannerisms, and developing a way to become a mystery to people. But that's not me. I'm not a mystery, I'm an open book. I love to talk, listen. Watch some of Magibon's videos, she doesn't do ANYTHING! She just sits there, stares at the camera, and says a few very basic things in Japanese. It's worked for her very well, she's become almost a figurehead in Japan, had her 15 minutes of fame I guess. But that's her. I'm me. Granted, there are some really cute Japanese clothes and such and I will continue to dress as I please, I do not intend on trying to be something I'm not. I'm happy with myself and feel I look the most beautiful in yoga pants or a black tank top and jeans.

Edit: August 25th. I am not an open book by any means any more, actually I am a mystery to most people I work with and go about day to day life with because I no longer share unnessasary information with people that really don't need to know. It took me awhile to learn how to control things that I said. Really only over the last year have I become less of a "negative nancy" or someone that just... says too much. I can't explain it. I'm happy Magibon helped me be quiet so I could step back and realize the way I was behaving. 

So thank you Magibon for getting me back into looking feminine. In my first encounters with Jack, I was in the band shirt phase but then over time when I was with him I actually WANTED to look good. So she came along right at the correct time I suppose and long after me and Jack stopped hanging out I started dressing a lot cuter. Now I'm sort of in limbo. I don't wear band shirts very often, I have a couple and occasionally I'll wear my old ones to work out or go running. I'm not too preppy or accessorized either.





I often find misc pictures from cosplay conventions that I saved for some use. Deleting these...

It goes without saying that I no longer want to cosplay. I am going to continue to comment people's photos, though. The only possibility that I might cosplay once more is if I go to RadCon again, because you sort of have open territory to dress however you want. As for anime conventions specifically, I'm done cosplaying. To be honest I can't even remember the last time I watched an entire episode of anime, aside from Sailor Moon at the beginning of the year. I watched like 12 episodes of it and I was DONE. But do I enjoy hearing about it from my friend Samantha? Yeah, it's a neat story and it's actually cool to hear about and I love the animation. But I just don't have the time to sit down and watch that stuff. I'm so preoccupied with everything else and like it that way.

I guess the best way to describe how I live now could be related to Confucius, a Chinese philosipher that teaches for people to strive to be the absolute best they can be and live their lives to their fullest potential. This is often why Chinese, Korean, Japanese and Thai people work as hard as they do. Unlike mainstream Confucianism followers, however, I'm not Asian, and I don't have parents that could potentially disown me if I don't do perfectly. I just work extremely hard and obsess on perfection, but it doesn't mean I have an OCD. I'm happy I recently discovered what Confucianism is because it made me feel less abnormal. Like, I'm abnormally hard on myself and I thought it was an OCD.

2012 has been such a good year so far.

I talked to my mom today about getting ahold of Western about my rooming situation. She said that they APPROVED my housing!! WOO! So we are AHEAD of the game, and because I already submitted which building I wanted months ago, I'm now good to go.

I decided not to use the MyRoomate system online because I want to keep my roomates a mystery. I sort of want to get paired with random people so I can get the experience sans the predictability of MyRoomate. It's probably a good idea though so I don't get a Kelsey. Or worse. I could get some morman that gets pissed off about my pot smoking. Which reminds me, I have no idea how I'm going to smoke up there. This might be silly because it's such a liberal school. I don't know, i'm crossing my fingers that I get a room with a window of some sort.

I am not applying to be on a quiet floor because I can work around loud noises. I have in my own house before and at school, it shouldn't be a problem. I'd much rather have the freedom to come and go as I please than not, because I'm not a sneaky person you guys.. 

I won't say that I'm not still fascinated with the anime subculture.

And I have met some really awesome people!

But I just don't feel like I relate to this anymore.

Being a guest at one of these cons was one thing but actually volunteering was an entirely different story. I really did not have a good time this year, it was a ton of work at the maid cafe and after it was over I felt a little silly/embarrised about having walked around serving a bunch of guys in costumes and closet lolitaphiles for hours on end. And I'd driven to Spokane to do this! Very interesting experience. It cracks me up that Guy Stevens was trying to get ahold of me when I was posting these pictures that are considered completely wacky by mainstream society, but when I look back on it now he wasn't any big deal at all and don't know why I was so enamoured.

In all of this let me say that I do not discredit anyone who chooses to be into Kawaii things, anime, etc. I don't feel like I am better than anyone for no longer liking it because everyone has the right to do what they want to do and shouldn't be harrassed for it if it's not hurting anyone.

I just felt like sharing that, I guess. Waiting for Avis to get home. I've still gotta do my hour of "Freeplay" on the guitar but I'm done after that for the night because I already got post of my picking exercises done in the morning. I don't know if I'm getting better or not, I'd hope so. I hope I'm also practicing enough for what Jacob said we're going to start on this upcoming Wednesday. I never really know what's good enough.

Got a 92 on a Japanese test because of all my craptastic particle usage. Damn, it's like, I know the vocabulary and the grammar to the point that I can confidently put things together, but when it comes down to the minor details and kanjis... errg! I can read kanjis fine, but they have to be in some sort of context or I'm screwed. Furigana is always nice too.

Alrighty well gtg, sister is here with groceries.

peace







Dark Brown Contacts.What my Mom/Sister find Beautiful vs. What I think is Beautiful.

THIS IS GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF PICTURES, SORRY ABOUT THE PAGE STRETCHING.

Okay, so as I've told a few people, I've always wanted dark brown eyes. So now, I'm considering getting dark brown contacts. I am going to make an appointment at the eye doctor for Wednesday, and I already have my perscription so it shouldn't take long at all. Unfortunately, because my perscription is really weird, I might not get the exact color that I want.

My eyes are hazel, which is a rare color, and a lot of people think my eyes are really pretty. I love my eyes--they're my favorite part of my face. They're huge, and I love their shape and I like how they're not too close together or two far apart. I however, have deep rooted issues about the color.

This story may sound a little silly, but I'll tell you anyway...

When I was a kid, so many times when I was with my mom and sister and my mom would talk to someone she knows, my sister's eyes would be brought up. As many of my friends know, my sister has really pretty light blue eyes. She has an extremely rare color.

Like this.

They would always be like, "Oh!! Avery's eyes are so pretty! Wow, that color is incredible!" And, not wanting to hurt my feelings, they would say "Oh, and yours are nice too..." I always knew they were just humoring me because my eye color is nothing special at all.

The main reason why I want to get brown eye contacts is to have my eye color appear to be the polar opposite of my sisters.

What I find beautiful: Brunette, pale skin, dark eyes.

The next reason is that Magibon, who I think is the most gorgeous person in the world, has brown eyes. Therefore I want brown eyes too. I think my face would look a lot better with brown eyes, personally.

Needless to say, like most fashion and beauty things that I like to do, my mom totally disagrees. She said that by having brown eyes, I will inevitably suck all the color out of my face "like I did with the black ones". The black ones were COSTUME contacts. Those aren't meant to be worn on a daily basis. I think brown ones would look way more natural. It was obvious that the black ones aren't real, but it wouldn't be so much with the brown ones.

What my mom thinks is beautiful is basically this, which is everything I like to contradict in the way that I look.

What my Mom Finds Beautiful.

blonde: My mom and sister are super-blonde, and my Mom always tells me that I look better with blonde hair. I couldn't disagree more.

I think I look ugly as shit with blonde hair. My hair looks unhealthy and fried. The only times in my life that I've EVER dyed my hair blonde was when, sadly enough, I thought it would be attractive to guys. I've always HATED how I looked blonde. And they fact that I did it thinking that OTHER people would like it more makes me even more sick. Getting brown contacts has NOTHING to do with other people, it's about me, and only me.

Tan: My sister always goes tanning, where she'll either get a spray tan or do a tanning bed. My mom used to scorch her skin every summer in California. Because my mom and sister have the same skin, the tan actually improves the way their skin looks..
But not me.

This is me last summer after a sunburn. Notice how rutty and nasty my skin looks. I like myself pale. Though my mom and sister might disagree, I think it makes me look a lot prettier because it's more doll-like, which is what I go for.  

But for me back in middle school, these spray tans were the reason I got ridiculed because people called me Orange. My mom thought it would be a good idea. Spray tanning always looks super streaky on me because I've got my dad's mormon side skin, where it's super white and nearly freckle free when I'm not exposed to much sun. All the sun does for me, naturally tanning, makes my skin look ruttier and ugly.

You get the point...

My mom and sister will never understand WHY I like to look a certain way, and why I will never conform to the American steriotype of "hottness" with tan skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. I actually like how I look as the polar opposite, and I think I look prettier this way.

Just had to get this off my chest.



Yours,

Emily