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Google SUCKS. Patience.

I love psychadelic artwork.

Waiting is hard. I'm anxiously wondering how my drug test is going to come out and if I even have a chance of getting that job at Rite Aid. Probably not at this point, but I can only hope. I actually PRAYED yesterday that if I get this job, I promiss I won't smoke pot again. This seems slightly unrealistic but if I get this job I'm going to keep my promiss. I can't break a promiss to God, he'll smite me!! This was the first prayer I've done since tennis season my Senior year.

Right now I'm trying to download the sims 2 onto one of my mom's computers. Don't tell her, haha. I'm just trying this to see if it works but I doubt it will. But if it does i'll have something to keep me busy for tonight. Granted, I'm not planning on doing anything spectacular on this new town, but I'm hoping to build some houses and upload them to the Sims 2 exchange so that when I get a REALLY GOOD computer, I can just download those houses directly from the Sims Exchange onto my new town. Or maybe I could find a way to buy this computer from my mom. This thing is on a shared network, which is slightly scary to me because I can't delete anything that i've installed when I install it. Like for instance, when I make videos on this computer and try to delete the excess, it won't let me because I don't have administrative rights.

Life has been sort of boring today. I painted the shed. I'm sort of happy to be secluded because when I'm secluded I don't spend money or do anything stupid. I'm pretty lonely today, but it happens. Maybe I'll make a youtube video or something on my old computer. It pisses me off just using that thing though, with it's damned overheating problems.

I've been playing the guitar a lot, and right now i'm learning Snowblind by System of a Down on a program that Robert showed me. It's pretty cool and it's a great way to get relaxed before bed. Usually, I'm dual tasking when I practice. Because I'm trying to get stretching and mechanics down, I play the same thing over and over. That can be boring, so I leave on a youtube video on the side to listen too.

Speaking of Snowblind, that was my song of the week this week. : ) I've been doing that on Facebook. Google is pissing me off because suddenly my "Google" account is everywhere and it makes things harder to log into, EVERYWHERE... especially on here!! I prefer to have a seperate account on every website, not connect them all using stupid Google or worse yet, connecting all of my sites to facebook. Another thing that I hate about Google is I feel like when I write these entries I have to rush because it logs me out constantly.

School is starting tomorrow for the highschoolers. Hard to believe I've officially been out of highschool for more than a year now. Time goes by very quickly. I'm not sure if my life has improved since highschool. I think my insecurities have gotten somewhat better... I feel like I've grown up a little bit definately. I'm skinnier. My hair is longer. I know how to do my makeup better. Oh, and I know a little Japanese now. But over the past year going to CBC, I don't feel like that much has changed.

yours,

Emily

Why I won't get this job.

This morning I was confident in my second job interview, yet scared that I might have to take a drug test. I was stupid a couple days ago and smoked before the fair, and now I'm going to pay for it because I'm more than likely not going to get this job because of it.

At my second job interview, he did a quick background check, and everything seemed okay. Then he told me that I'd won the lottery! And I'm like, what the hell? Lottery in a sense that YES, I HAVE TO TAKE A RANDOM DRUG TEST. And I almost, immediately started crying. I knew I was fucked. After three weeks of turning in the applications, having follow ups, and even got a second interview, now I'm going to have a drug test and I'm going to fail.

I left, and called my mom crying. I decided the only solution would be to go to Hippies and try to get a detox product. I ended up spending $30 on this drink called Ultra Mask, and followed the instructions exactly as the product should be taken. That's $50 now that I've spent on detox products for this job. And i'm not going to get it because of my stupid decisions.

I ended up going to the lab, sweaty and gross after driving around in my hot car wearing hot interview clothes. The lady at the counter treated me like a fucking criminal and I failed the first time I tried to take the test because I accidently flushed the toilet. Then, she made me take it a second time. This time i had nearly no urine in me and had to force it after drinking a tiny cup of water. I failed to start peeing in the cup in the middle of my urine stream, which makes me think THAT is ALSO against me.

I gave her the piss, and left. I started balling my eyes off on my way home. When I got home I read about the mask product and it says that they are a complete rip off and don't work for shit and whoever buys it was just given false hope.

I feel like a fucking loser. The only reason I started smoking in the first place is because it gave me an escape from my miserable feelings and fucking miserable life. I hate my life. pot was practically the only thing I took pleasure in.

 This summer I've been heartbroken, used and treated like shit. I've disappointed my parents and have been getting screamed at all summer long. Sometimes I feel like I'd be better off dead. My whole life is failure and it's only getting worse.  The only reason why I don't kill myself is because it would hurt my parents and sister and whoever else cares about me, at least momentarily. Because I feel like i've been cursed to a life of misery and nothing will ever make me happy. I had pot, but societal standards has given me a wake up call that I can no longer enjoy that either.

yours

Emily

what the hell.

This is a blog entry from my phone. I have to write this before I forget how hypocritical my family can be. Ill write more details later. This morning at 4:30 am I was woken up by a restricted call from the w. Richland police department. On the other line he was like, "is this emily?" And I'm like "yes..." and he's like "this is the west richland police department.." immediately I got sort of nervous. I guessed first that maybe tyler got in trouble and needed me to come get him or... for some reason that a psycho was in our backyard coming up to our house. Either way I wasn't pleased, but when he said it was my sister my heart skipped a beat.
I immediately asked "is she okay?!" And he nonchalantly says "she's finnnnne." I go to my moms room and tell her the police is on the phone and she does the same thing. Slightly freaks out. They tell her she's at the west richland retirement homes. Again, its 4:30 in the fucking morning and my sister has my parents van. They tell her they were in a van watching a movie with a guy and that my sisters friend said she was at our house. He said they suspected "they didn't get the whole story," as if they met up with this guy for a 3 way or to use drugs or drink or something.
Nope! They were literally out at 4 am, in my parents van watching a movie with marisa's boy toy out in a park a block away from marisa's house. On top of it, my sister was caught wearing no shirt (just a sports bra). I thought my sister was going to get in a shit ton of trouble.
Nope!!! In fact my mom wasn't mad at all and because my dad didn't wake up until later after the phone call nobody freaked out. I go out in the living room to get my phone... and there's a guy sitting on our living room couch. AFTER my dad woke up and SAW he was there. No yelling, no screaming, no fighting, no punishment.
Let's compare to practically any time I hung out with my friends this summer. Hell even a couple nights ago when tyler was here. He leaves at 11:30, barely makes a peep. At 2 am my dad wakes up and practically punches a hole in the wall saying he's sick and tired of "fucking guys" and basically makes me feel like shit from his hysterics as if I really did something wrong. On top of it, one of his main things about tyler is that "he had his damn hat on sideways." It was backwards. Averys stupid friend's boy friend zayne was wearing a hat. Do you think he'll get called white trash? Do you think avery will be screamed at about this? Nopenopenope!!
This is, my friends, the perfect example of double standards in my house. It doesn't even end there. They're on the porch. Still. Laughing and talking. At 5:30 am. I want to go deck them all in the face. I'm just happy my sister is okay, though. For a second I thought she was in some hospital somewhere-- or worse, dead.

Yours, emily

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Trapped and sweaty.

It's 4:00 pm. I'm in my room. There's stuff everywhere. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. I need to get rid of so much of it. There's boxes on the floor that I want to mail out and I'm too stressed out to go on my youtube channel until I do. There's three computers on the desk. Cords everywhere. The three computers are all garbage except for my good one that I got a couple years ago but has so much body damage and heating problems that it's pretty much garbage itself.

I need to get out. Get the fuck out of here. But I can't escape it. I've gotten nothing done today. I'm sitting on my bed, makeup half done, hair half blowdried. I feel gross. It's hot.

Fuck.

Yours,
Emily

Summer Quarter Grades and My Decision on Central

New grades! Which means another blog entry about how I'm getting through this CBC stuff.

Summer 2011:

-4.0 in Biology

-2.8 in Math 97

...So an average score of 3.4 for this quarter, which is pretty good considering I PASSED ONLINE MATH! I could never imagine that I could do that. I suck at online classes, and I suck at math. That being said, I'm extremely happy this quarter is done and over. Now it's time to study Japanese. Literally, I need to study it every day from here on out to get ready for Japanese IV, regardless of the fact that I have no ambition to do it. If I just dedicate 30 min a day, I can do this.

So next quarter my schedule is:

Drawing I from 8:00 AM-9:40 AM with Craig
Japanese IV from 11:30 AM-12:30 PM with Ryder
Math 98 from 5:00 PM-7:10 PM with Tarbert on Monday and Wednesday

This leaves me pretty open to working. I have a job interview tomorrow and hope it goes well.

So, a couple days ago I made a discovery when my friends were over. My mom randomly blurted out that *someone* I know was now in a relationship with *someone else* that I hate, and have always hated. Though I'm probably the last one to know, I'm glad nobody told me about this until now. Though it doesn't matter anyway, I still can't help but feel sickened by the fact that it's THIS person, THIS bimbo. It could of been ANYONE else and I wouldn't of cared. Thinking about it literally makes me sick. The amount of hatred I have toward these two people now is slightly frightening to me, and I hope to never see or hear about them again.

That being said, I have decided to not go to Central. This was sort of the final straw because I couldn't stand to see someone that I hate so much, even on an occasional basis. I want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone, or barely anyone. I have time to think about this, and I know it will be better for me in the long run.

I am going to make a list of the reasons why I'm not going Central.

1. I want to get completely away from the Tri-cities. I want to go out and find myself. If I'm living only three hours away from my parents, I still have an outlet to go home and do my laundry, go home when I'm sick, whatever. That's still co-dependence. I need to find out how to take care of myself. The most frightening thing about this is illness because I get extremely sick (emergency room sick) about once a year with different viral infections or like my kidney infection this year, but I'm just going to have to take care of myself.

2. I don't want anybody to "show me the ropes." Katharine, you're my best friend, but at every stage of my life (preschool to kindergarden, going into middle school, playing soccer, going into highschool, even going into CBC..) you've always "shown me the ropes" prior to me going into it by telling me all about everything and who and where to avoid and where I need to be. Though I've appreciated this, I know that if I were to Central it would, to an extent, be the same way and I really want to be figure this out on my own.

3. For the first time in my life, I want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone (or close to anyone) and therefore feel like I can create a clean slate for myself, and therefore find myself. Honestly, I just know too many people from Benton City at Central, some of which never particularily liked me.

4. Now that Katelynn might be moving to Seattle, I want to move closer to where she is. I don't know if that's possible, but it makes UW way more of a consideration. I know that's sort of a silly reason because friends are going to move and it's just something I have to face. In  a sense this sort of contradicts that i've previously written, but if I can be withen a couple hours of Seattle so I can go see her, it'd be a plus. I intend on going there a lot anyway.

5. I don't want to have to see Jack Otto's face. I know that at a college there are thousands of people, but just the fact that he's there and I could potentially see him makes me want to vomit a little. He can rot in hell for all I care, I just never want to see him again.

6. Ellensburg seems boring. I went there with my mom when we were driving to take my ACTs or something and it was completely dead there on a Saturday night and we couldn't even find a decent restaurant to stop at. Granted, I don't want a big party school like WSU but I don't want *that* either.

That's my opinion and i'm sticking with it. time to find other options. 

Desperate to write but I don't know how to say it.

It's all too embarrising and potentially offensive to some to post this.

All I know is I have an uncontrolled problem, and as I've realized how bad it's gotten, and even if I've MADE these realizations-- it continues to happen when I associate with the wrong people. And it's making me sick. This time, I realized it before it went as far as it did with my previous situation this summer. It took being with my friend Katelynn and a lot of inspiration to realize how bad it was. I was once again blinded by my eternal desperation to fill a void in my soul.

And I don't want you jumping to conclusions. I didn't make any real mistakes. None that will make an affect on my life. But this will. Shadiness is obvious, it's all obvious to my gut feeling when something is wrong. When something is gross. When something could potentially be harmful to me and my friend. And yet I am drawn to the drama and the people that live lives so differently than my own. So could it be that the reason for this is to learn? That it is entertaining for me to witness first hand what these people's lives are like that are so unlike my own? I mean Guy is the same way. I LEARNED from him this summer, yet why am I not applying what I have learned?

I must find a way to change myself. Stop trying to turn things into what they're not. It's obvious that I need to get out of Benton City, stretch my wings, fly away. Meet people that more have the same goals. Have I forgotten about my goals? Do I think this will help me back progress in my life what so ever? (Also, if Samatha, IF you are reading this, this has nothing to do with today and playing kickball or anything close to that!)

This probably all doesn't make any sense to anyone.

yours,

Emily

Potential job and final biology test today.

Good news guys!

I might have a chance to get a job at Rite Aid here soon. After dropping off an application yesterday, I got a chance to talk to a manager today and he gave me a website to go to and fill out a survey and if I do well on it I'll get an interview. Hopefully I get the job, I could really use this. I'm planning on doing the survey tonight online. I'd be so excited if I got a job for the first time in a lonnnng time.

The microscopic world is ugly. If reincarnation exists, I hope I don't end up as one of these, haha.

I just got done with my final lab report for biology over micro organisms in pond water (I've done that lab like four times now, honestly), and I have my last test coming up here shortly. Like, in two hours. That being said I probably shouldn't be on here.... But I think I'm just fine in my Biology class. Having kicked ass in Jeopardy again, I got my team an extra 30 points, on top of the 40+ that we got in the last game. I know I seemed like a know-it-all in the last one but I'm just really good at these chapters. I've learned the material so many times that I'm not too worried about this test. I should probably look over my notes anyway to avoid stupid mistakes.

I just strained a muscle in my neck.

So, a few things to do on my to-do list tonight.

-Study math for two hours-- Take chapter review tests and try to figure things out the best I can from what Brad showed me last night.

-Study for biology test for at least an hour.

-Take the employability test online.

-Get a good night sleep.

Alright that's all I have to say for today. Pretty quick entry but because I'm hungry I'm feeling a little light headed and empty. Damn hypoglycemia. At least I packed some flavor blasted goldfish.

yours,

Emily

Welcome to Hell.

The next couple days are going to be really tough, so I should probably get some sleep soon.

Brad and I met up today and did some studying in the Richland Public Library. It went good. I'm still shaky as hell on this chapter but at least it was a very good refresher and I'm prepared to study for it tomorrow with a clue in my head of what I need to do. Brad is super nice to help me out with this, and eventually I'm going to repay him with some free babysitting or something.

I would love to have a wine cooler but it can wait until tomorrow. I'm gonna be celebrating getting done with one of my finals and then on THURSDAY I'm going hoping to have a lot of fun. I have no clue what my plan is at this point besides hanging out with Tyler and going swimming but whatever, haha. I'll be so happy to be done that it doesn't matter what I'm doing.... Just, to be done, my god. But I still have a lot of work to do. I've hated this quarter since day one, and it's time to get over the last big hill before I'm DONE.

Today I didn't go to the school because I didn't have class or any test going on, but tomorrow I'm planning on going pretty early to get studying done. Hopefully tomorrow morning before I go I can mail out a couple of those packages.... My mom didn't get me the boxes today, and it's getting later and later and I'm going to get so many haters soon. It's freaking me out. Where am I going to get those damn boxes if I can't buy them? The post office doesn't have them in the right size. Ugh.

I'm not really feeling like going into any of my feelings on anything right now, other than the fact that i've been sort of lonely and I am looking forward to spending more time with friends once school gets out.... maybe? Probably not.

Well, I'll figure it all out.

Yours,
Emily

Getting done one step at a time.

I feel pretty accomplished right now, having survived somewhat painlessly through the first week of really difficult work.

Today I had my math test over Chapter 7, which honestly came pretty easy. I came in sort of early and met this one guy named... I think Taylor, or Thomas, I can't remember, who didn't know what room we were supposed to go too either. It was funny because after we walked in I caught him biting his nails. It seemed like everyone was a little bit nervous, even if he was the first one done. I can't help but wonder how I compare to the rest of the class at this point... I think I did well on today's test, and the results will be up later tonight.

I did not however get a chance to go to Sally's and get those boxes. I just totally spaced it. I went to wal mart and bought myself dinner, then got gasoline, and forgot why I got off that exit in the first place. I'll keep trying to get ahold of my mom but she hasn't picked up her phone all day. I hope I come home and it'll be there, otherwise I'm going to have to start sacraficing some money to ship those damn things out. ugh. Never doing this again.

I also got my lab report done, but haven't really studied for jeopardy today. Reason being, I really know this material. Species, ecosystems, populations, and environmental impact is my specialty in biology, so this next test this wednesday should be pretty easy. I've got my math test on thursday, which means I've got two days to prepare. It's very important that I do well on it, or goodbye good GPA. I'm hoping to get at least a 2.8 overall in the class, but that might be wishful thinking. Just gotta do well on that damn final.

Well, I'm gonna go study. I feel super calm right now... Super good tilapia. I'd really like to go on a run though when I get home so hopefully class will be sort of quick. Hopefully Lindy would be down to run too, I hate running too late at night.

Yours,
Emily

It's 1:47 am. Better write something.

I'm so wide awake right now, it's ridiculous. Yet not very motivated to do anything. That's what I get for drinking coffee at 7 pm.

I saw the new Harry Potter movie with this guy Kevin Sackett, who I randomly decided to make plans with when it seemed like he wasn't doing anything tonight either. I think it was a date-- kind of, which is pretty unusual. I seriously had no clue guys did that anymore, hahaha. He'd already seen the movie (he's a pretty diehard fan, apparently) but he was willing to sit through it again for me because it was really freaking good. Rowling, and the producers of the Harry Potter movies, wrapped it up fantastically. Every knot was tyed in the end. One of these days, even if I know what happens, I'd love to read the books or watch the whole series from the beginning. It'd take hours though, haha.

I need to start treating my family better. Me and my mom keep on getting in these fights and I know it stresses her out when me and my dad put her through this. The stress prodominantly stems from my Dad, though, who ever since this conflict with his family started continues to be on edge with everyone and yells and makes everyone miserable. He's going through a lot with his family, I'm going through a lot with school, and my mom is with work and dealing with me and my Dad. I just wish we could all be at peace with eachother, but with me and my dad's anger problems it never seems to sustain itself.

I'm going to really try to make an effort this week to stop being so negative toward everyone and everything. It's really hard for me when I tend to have such a negative outlook on life but I keep on thinking of this one thing that Guy told me the last time I saw him-- that he believes that if you only say positive things you'll radiate positive energy and people will be attracted to that. I honestly think he's right. Though I'll probably never see Guy again, I really do appreciate him for keeping things interesting this summer, and that.

This week is going to be hella stressful. It's officially Sunday. This week I'm going to have to work harder than I've ever worked to pass this quarter, and hopefully by this time next Sunday I'll have survived, and I'll be completely wasted in celebration of being done with summer quarter.

yours,
Emily

Frustrated as hell.

I'm really frustrated right now.

I hired a tutor today, and expected some help on my chapter 6 work, but she literally didn't know how to do anything that I presented her with. Like, she had to refer to her book for everything and didn't end up finding what she was looking for when she did use her book. I can't nessasarily get mad or anything, the work is hard, but after I showed her everything that I needed help on it would of been nice if she showed up prepared. Needless to say, I cut it off. I told her that I no longer needed her services because she seemed tired and couldn't help me much. Didn't say it in those words exactly, but I'm sure she understood. Hurray for me not being a pushover anymore. At least for the most part.... It was hard for me to do. I'm really shy when it comes to that sort of thing.

Right now I'm in the Richland library, and I think i'm going to take my math quiz while I'm here. Why not. In a couple days I have a chapter 7 test, and I think I should be okay. It's the final that i'm worried about... it's coming fast and I still don't know how to do a lot of this. I'm going to have to learn this by myself using the website and my book, along with the annoying resources on mymathlab. Fortunately, this is going to be the last time that I have to take this stupid online math.

Yesterday I went rafting which was REALLY fun! It was me, Mitch, Lindy, her friend Alvero, Skyler Matulich, Katelynn and Alex Cardenas. We managed to pile into just two rafts, and went down the ridiculously shallow river. Me and Alvero bought a 20 pack, I brought some food, it was a good evening. It was hella fun until we got done.... My mom got really worried though because we didn't get done until dark, and way over reacted. Like, she tried CALLING my phone-- which, HELLO, how the Hell was I supposed to pick it up when we were on the river? My sister was all butt hurt because she didn't have my car keys, so she couldn't go out with her stupid friends when she wanted too, thus making the paranoia even worse. They called me frantically, then drove to the rope swing and walked down OIE yelling out my name. Good god. I literally think they thought I was dead. I flipped out on my mom when she called because I was mad at her and Avery for ruining the night. She drove down to meet us at the dock area, and she starts yelling at me and grabs onto me and I got furious and almost punched her because I was pissed off that she was grabbing onto me like a child.

So thanks Mom and Avery for not only making me look like a psycho in front of my friends, but ruining my night.

Even when me, Mitch, Alex and Katelynn were hanging out later I couldn't relax and enjoy the rest of my night. Fuck.

yours,
Emily

Making goals tends to work really well for me from a day-to-day basis.

It seems to work best for me to make every day count by making goals for each day. It's the best way to stay constructive regardless of how much or how little I have to do. Yesterday I spent most of my time at school but because I met up with a tutor I got what I needed to get done for the most part. So, here's my goals for today:

Goals for 8/11/2011

-Take one pretest in math for one of the three chapters, probably chapter 6, the hardest one and try to figure out what I missed. 1 hour

-Play my guitar for an hour. 3rd day in a row I've managed to spend an hour doing this. I really want to learn Welcome Home and get it down really well. 1 hour

-Get ahold of some small boxes to mail the boxes. My mom said she'd go to the post office tomorrow, and if she doesn't I should probably try to get some cheap boxes so it doesn't cost much to send. Unfortunately I can't use padded envelopes because they'll smash and break. Could take a couple hours depending on how many I do.

-Take math quiz 30 min

-Spend 30 minutes getting rid of stuff from my room. Cleaning up.

Maybe to-do's if I get other stuff done....

-MAYBE make a little youtube video if I can think of anything good to talk about. 1 hour, about.

-Maybe get ahold of a friend and hang out this evening if I get bored. Might hang out with Mitch but I'm more in the mood to hang out with a girl again. I haven't seen Samantha in ages because it's impossible to get ahold of her without a facebook or a phone. I think she might of just got her internet back on though.

I'm gonna get on that stuff now. I'm gonna start my taking a shower and getting pretty. I feel sort of yucky right now, haha.

Yours,

Emily

I'm afraid I'll be stuck here forever if I keep pursuing this goal.

This quarter is so close to being over I can almost taste it, with only nine more days. It's sort of scary, but at the same time a huge relief that I'm going to be done with it and move on to another clean slate. I have my math final on Thursday and my Biology final on Wednesday. I also have a councilors appointment on the 19th to work out everything that I need to get taken care of before I graduate.

I have pretty bad news though. Fucking Symbolic Logic credits-- UGH. Turns out I CAN'T take C++ this next fall because it REQUIRES you to have math 98 under your belt. That being said, I'm probably going to be taking just math 98 and Japanese IV this next fall, then taking JUST C++ during the Winter... unless of course CBC forces me to take math 95 in order to graduate as well. That being said, I feel like I'm going to graduate sort of late in comparison to how long it typically takes people to get their two year degree, and it's all because I've waiting until the last minute to do my math and didn't do a very heavy work load during my senior year of highschool. So much for saving time. But hey, who's really judging anyway? If anyone has anything to say about how long I've been stuck at CBC they can fuck off. I have a goal, and unfortunately math and this pointless symbolic logic bullshit has put me out a bit.

Another option, of course, is to transfer over to Central in the winter ANYWAY without my AA and just get those two credits at CBC next summer when I come home to live with my parents again after the schoolyear. Though this is an option, so badly I want to be able to put my AA down as an accomplishment. I just want to take one thing at a time. First my AA, then my BA, then maybe my masters down the line once I pay back my student loans... sort of depends what I'm going to do. Because I've only been taking 10 credit quarters, I feel that I am partially to blame for my own failure to finish my AA as quickly as I wanted too. I should of never taken stupid CWP in highschool and should of taken a full schedule instead. : (

But I continue to ask myself if I even want to go to Central afterall... Everything in my life has come to me so fast that I haven't even been able to stop and think about what it is that I want. All this information regurgetation, studying my ass off, flashcards, hauling around books, selling those books and buying new books about subjects that I have no interest in... have I actually learned anything? I wonder if I am actually any more intellegent now than I was my Junior year of highschool. Like if I sat next to 17 year old me and took a big test with a bunch of different subjects, would I get a better score now or would it be the same? I don't feel like I've learned much of anything here, but I could be wrong.

...Well, I've certainly learned the basics of Japanese. That's something.

Maybe the reason why I'm feeling so inquisitive is because I hung out with my friend Mitch Missett yesterday. He's one of these people that when you talk to him, you really start thinking about your life because he tends to talk about things that I think about a lot-- like what my "plan" is to achieve success, and if success really is the ultimate goal to all of the work that we do. He's been through some really rough shit in the past few months. I won't go into detail, but my predictions for why he wasn't around (that he'd moved back in with his ex girlfriend or something) were very wrong. I'm pretty concerned for his brother, too.

I recently learned from Mitch how prominent meth is in benton city. I really had no idea.. I mean, I figured some people used it but the amount of people that use it that are around our age is pretty damn sad. I guess our town is #5 for most meth labs per capita in the United States or something like that, and Finley is #3. I don't know where Mitch got the statistics, but I trust his judgement. Regardless of it being true or not, it seems to be a pretty big problem. Not really a concern of mine though, considering I'm not involved with people that use it.

Anyway I'm gonna go, I've been in this computer lab way too damn long.

yours,
Emily

I need more friends...

I'm lonely today. Like I'd really like to hang out with someone but I don't really have any girls to call....

I know this is messy, but for the most part, this is all of my friends that are girls that I would hang out with.

They're all completely different from one another.

Katelynn is at work. Can't get ahold of Samantha because she has no phone. Katharine is at school. Lindy isn't picking up her phone. Leah lives really far. Hannah lives really far. I'd call Shavonne but I want to be outside tanning or something, not sitting watching TV. Granted, that's okay sometimes, just not right now. I just really want someone to tan and bullshit with right now... I'm so lonely. : (

I don't really want to hang out with a guy either. Not that there's anything wrong with Robert or any of the other guys I hang out with, but usually they don't like to tan. Actually, especially not Robert, he hates the heat. Tyler never wants to hang because he's always playing video games-- and he'd rather just text all the time.. -____- So I hate even asking. I wouldn't want to hang out with Guy today either, it's way too damn far and I'm not in that mood.

Maybe Michael? But he's never really willing to drive out to Benton city either. More than likely i'm gonna have to drive today if I want to hang out with anyone. All I want to do is tan in the yard, so it'd be nice to have someone that lived nearby... Fuck Benton City, I hate hardly having any friends that live here. Luckily I'll be out of here soon, though. Nic B. lives in Benton City too, and he's pretty much like hanging out with a girl, but he's sometimes sort of judgemental of me.

I do have quite a few friends, but I'm definately just looking for a girl to hang out with right now. I got ahold of Leah, but it'd be such a bitch driving out there and I wish it wasn't so far.... But I think today I'm going to get really bummed if I don't go hang out with anyone. I need to have a little bit of fun, I haven't in days.

I'll figure something out.

yours,
Emily

Extension handles make things a lot easier. AND MY PLAN.

Okay okay, time to get really focused and crack down on school because I only have....

12 more days!!!

This shit is coming down to the end!

This is gonna have to be a pretty quick entry because I need to get started on the shed again now that it's cooled down a bit. I already spent like three hours on it this morning but now I have an extension handle so it makes things a LOT easier. It'll be nice to get paid for this. My dad said he'd kick me $60. Which will get me out of the 0 hole. Not by much, but enough to last me for gas for a couple weeks. It's gonna be nice to not have to ask for gas money for two weeks. That's the most important thing. Gas is the only thing I can afford to spend money on. Speaking of which, I need to go to the school and see how much I owe on the stepp plan. I'll have to do that on monday when I go in to get math tutoring and get one of the two labs done.

I did NOT do very well on my last math exam, so my overall grade currently is about a solid C. In order to survive and pass this quarter, I could really use a better grade on the next test and a GOOD grade on the final exam. I need a gameplan! I can do this, I really can, I just need to plan it right and crack down on it 100%.

Daily Homework for the Next 12 Days:

-August 7th: Quiz 5 & 7.4
-August 9th- 7.5. Study 2 hours.
August 10th. Study 2 hours.

-August 11th. 7.4-7.5 due.
-August 12th. Quiz 6.
-August 13th: REVIEW-- STUDY 2 HOURS
-August 14th: Review what I learned yesterday.
-August 15th: Exam 3!
-August 16th: Review! Study 2 hours for final.

-August 17th: Study all I need for the final.
-August 18th. Final Exam. The most important day this summer.

I also have to think about Biology, which I will take as it comes. Biology isn't that hard, and she keeps us very updated via e-mail on what we have to do. I've got two labs due on Wednesday, which I'll start working on Monday before class. I'm probably going to get a pretty good grade in that class. I have gotten A's and B's on every assignment.

I've been trying to get a math tutor-- but it's harder than it seems. Not very many people know how to do math well enough to teach it, and to make it worse I want them to be able to come to Benton city or be able to meet up with me in Richland. So more than likely my efforts will be futile and I'll just have to go to CBC more than I'd like too, but that's how things go. I have to be aware that my parents do NOT want to pay for another quarter of Math 97-- so I really need to TRYTRYTRY. Michael Fuller is in the same boat.

So I am going to study and get help all that I can... I can't be lazy or I will be kicking myself mercilessly during my time off.

God I've been getting major school burnout lately. i'm not looking forward to fall quarter at all. I really gotta study some massive Japanese when I have my break here, too.

yours,

Emily

Love is a fallen word. And never spoken here. [Very deep thought and reflection.]

Waiting for the one,
The day that never comes,
When you stand up and feel the warmth,
But the sunshine never comes,

No the sunshine never comes

 

You know, I thought getting together with Guy last night would make me feel relieved and better about myself because I've craved that attention that I got from him and just wanted to get away and have a fling for the night to escape the emptiness feeling that plagues me like a bad parasite that keeps me from doing what I know is "right."

Originally, yes, we did have a very good time. I drove over to his house yesterday from CBC after an extremely confusing lab and a successful test (I'm almost sure I aced that thing). Hermiston isn't that far, but when we got together we just pretty much laid around and watched movies like friends and talked. We usually do have really good conversations together, especially now that we've gotten to know eachother better. We actually have funny shit to look back on how in the past couple months, and I feel like he actually IS one of my friends now.

But it really is "just friends." 100%. And now that I realize this, that there is no chance what-so-ever that we will be in a relationship, sex becomes rather empty. Granted, it feels good. We have fantastic sexual chemistry. But I enjoyed it a lot more back when I felt that he might "like" me and now that I realize that he doesn't it just makes me feel even worse than before. Though I do feel like last night was inevitable, I am still not feeling great about myself. Because honestly, 180 days? I'm still keeping myself to the "no new partners" aspect of it, but now that I've broken my promiss to myself I'm feeling like I set myself up for it.

Every girl wants affection. And I can't deny that as much as I like to deny it, I'd like to have someone that cares about me enough to say that I'm their girlfriend. Actually gives a shit about me long enough to wait. But there is a huge problem with this.

I am not attracted to the "nice guy" type, at all. In fact they creep me out.

I have always been the most attracted to guys that have these traits:

-Socially confident.

-Considers himself the best looking one in the room, regardless if he is or isn't. So cocky, essentially.

-Is DOING stuff. Not just sitting around trying to get ahold of me but out having a life. Though this person would have to be willing to incorporate me at least somewhat into this life.

-Is willing to have fun. I can't stand guys that are "Straight edge" and take themselves way too seriously, but are actually willing to have fun, party and make a drunken ass of himself once in awhile.

-A sense of humor, usually a dark one. I, however, can't stand men that try way too fucking hard to make everyone around laugh all the time, even if what he's saying is crude and disgusting. This has ruled out a few people for me.

-Moderately have his shit together. At least somewhat knows what he wants.

-Isn't into corny romantic bullshit.

-Physically attractive to me. There is no way around this. I'm sorry but even if someone is mentally compatible with me in every aspect, if there is no physical attraction what so ever, it will never work. I know immediately if someone has any potential or not, which immediately rules out a lot of men. But I'm not willing to change this. I refuse to ever be with someone I'm not physically attracted to because that's stupid.



That being said, you can SEE why I have an attraction to Guy. He has all of this traits, to some extent.



But it's not honest affection. He does not care about me at all in that way, but that's what I signed up for at the get go. We're both clear on this. We've talked about it-- extensively, and he's made it perfectly clear that I'm not what he's looking for that way. Yet we continue to do this because it's using eachother.

I think what triggered these emotions today, more than anything, is this article that Katharine posted that she said was "So true" titled "How to Live a Great Love Story." (http://donmilleris.com/2011/08/02/how-to-live-a-great-love-story/)

1. Don’t hook up: Girls shouldn’t make it too easy on the guy. Don’t hook up, in other words. A recent article in Scientific American revealed when a girl hooks up with a guy, she esteems him very highly. She may think of him as powerful or famous, somebody who is strong. But the opposite is actually true from the guys perspective. Guys hook up with girls they find less attractive and sexually easy. All they want is sex, and so if they perceive she will give them sex and then get out of their lives, they are going to jump at the chance. The girl may feel very wanted and beautiful but the truth is he’s insulting her. If he thought of her with respect, he’d sit and ask questions about her life and her family. He’d try to get to know her because he wants to develop a friendship and perhaps a romantic relationship. In other words, guys don’t hook up with girls they would marry. They marry the girls they get nervous around and are made to pursue. So, if you become a “hook up” girl you get labeled, in the minds of guys as a girl you really don’t have to fight for.

Just by reading this I immediately feel unsuperior and ashamed of my life currently, as well as slightly hopeless. Reason being. I look at how this is "supposed" to play out according to this article:

1. Boy meets girl.
2. Boy falls in love with girl.
3. Girl is a bit hesitant knowing her heart is tender and could get hurt.
4. Boy proves himself strong enough to handle and defend her heart.
5. Girl trusts boy and they live happily ever after.

Versus how it actually tends to work out for me:

1. Girl meets boy.

2. Girl thinks boy is hot and feels like there could be some potential there, so girl starts talking to boy.

3. Boy is interested by girl's ass and finds girl interesting enough to talk too. 

4. Girl and boy end up hooking up because girl is turned on by boy.

5. Girl ends up attracted to boy more than boy is attracted to girl and boy feels like he can get BETTER than this girl with some other girl.

6. Girl realizes this, and decides that the boy wasn't right for her anyway. Girl moves on, pissed off and depressed for awhile but gets over it.

Process repeats.

I'm not going to say that this has always been how it is, because I admit there have been guys that have liked me, but none of which I've had any interest in because they don't fit nearly any of the traits that I listed above. This last little passage of how it works out typically is only about guys that I HAVE been attracted to in the past. And believe it or not, I'm not attracted to many people. In fact, there's only been a couple of my boyfriends that I was actually attracted too completely.

I think it's time to be honest with myself. I have made some major mistakes, and I need to stop doing what I'm doing because all it does is make me more and more depressed about this aspect of my life. Though I am not expecting to meet anyone anytime soon that I am physically, mentally and sexually attracted too that feels the same way about me, I need to at least get some self worth back. I thought this 180 day challenge thing would work, but then when I found out that I'm not going to be getting my AA anytime soon and could be potentially stuck in the tri cities for even longer, it has lead me to pretty much give up.

5. Have some faith: I’ve noticed that most women who complain a good man won’t come along are actually interested in the wrong guys. They make lists of their perfect gentleman coming to rescue them meanwhile they’re hooking up with guys who have a track record of just having sex with random women. Really? Your husband won’t really care what you say, he will care what you do. We tell our love stories with our actions, not our words. Life isn’t a Taylor Swift song, with all the hardship left out. It works more like a Normal Mailer novel, with all the gritty garbage left in. Stop falling for the romantic version of life, and start realizing that a romantic story is told with an enormous amount of pain, sacrifice, suffering and patience.

This is actually very inspiring to me, regardless of the fact that I've broken the main rule in it. I just really need to be patient, but when you've been patient practically your whole life and it has never worked out, then you lose this mentality because you feel like if you're patient then nothing will actually ever happen.

6. Don’t be thirteen: Unless you’re thirteen, ladies, grow up. Many women claim that men just won’t grow up, but then you sit and talk to them and realize they haven’t grown up either. They aren’t strong enough to demand something more from their men. They aren’t strong enough to say no to a guy who just wants to use them. These are all elements of immaturity. And it’s the stuff of a bad love story. A good man will attract a good woman. And a victim will attract a predator. Stop acting like a victim.Act like a dignified woman who believes her company is valuable and should come at a price.

Yet, another thing that I really need to work on. I really need to stop feeling like the man is doing ME a favor by giving me his time. Maybe I really do need to "grow up" and stop feeling sorry for myself because this aspect of my life has completely been a failure to this point, and seems to be getting worse instead of better.

At first when I was reading this I'm like "WOW, not how real life works at all.." but now I realize that there are some major things in this that I need to adapt into my life.

Yes, I'm a metalhead.

Yes, I'm an artist.

I'm a klutz.

I'm loud.

I don't think before I speak at times.

I've had depression.

I love incense, pot, the bass guitar, and talking for hours on end.

Yes, I'm different.

Yes, I've made some mistakes in my life.

But SOMEONE will accept me eventually and love me regardless, and doing what I'm doing now and getting beat up over this isn't going to get me any closer to that. That being said, my 180 day challenge was NOT the best approach because what that essentially said was that I'm going to completely cut myself off from men from 180 days because that's unrealistic. And what was supposed to happen after that 180 days? I imagine I'd go hook up with someone because I'd be so sexually repressed that I'd be mind fucked.

The 180 day challenge is null and void, but I am placing the goal for myself that I need to respect and honor myself way more. It's the biggest challenge in my life, and always has been. Respecting myself is harder than any sport I've played, any diet, any test in school... Life is extremely hard, but I feel that before I can love anyone else or be happy in any way I'm going to have to learn to respect myself and love myself.

And in the times that I've done this before I feel like I've never been true to this because I've been hesitant to post this because of fear of what someone might think, but I doubt anyone has the patience to read all this. This is for me. These are all realizations that I have to make in my life or I'm going to be miserable with myself forever, regardless of how well I do in school or how many accomplishments I have or how much money I make.

And suddenly I'm feeling a lot better. Thanks again, blog.

Yours,

Emily



Where did my interest in learning japanese go?

Yet another test today. Yesterday was in math, which I'm pretty sure I failed and I've been depressed about it, and today is biology. I'm having a good feeling about this one, but I'm gonna have to start studying for it here shortly.

Yesterday I had Patrick, Louie, Seth and Dru over and I made dinner and we all hung out for awhile. We swam over at the Richland public pool, and it really cheered me up after that test and feeling like a failure. I was immediately discouraged yesterday because I got word that CBC now REQUIRES you to pass math 95 even if you've passed 96, 97 and 98.. So yeah, CBC, you've pissed me off again.


I've lost a lot of interest in the Japanese thing, again. It sucks because I have invested a year of my life into learning it and now I feel like whenever I'm trying to study Japanese that it's pointless for me and that I look like an idiot. It'd be so sexy if I knew French, or German, or even Russian-- but with Japanese I just feel like I look like another stupid weeaboo. I don't know where my interest went this summer.. it's sad. I don't even think I want to go to Japan anymore. Maybe I should watch Magibon and get my interest back.. Maybe. Though she's not really my idol anymore. I am not idolizing anyone, and I'm just trying to make myself look hot by regular American standards. Because though Magibon is white and I wanted to look like her, Magibon was trying to look Asian. So my mom and sister would make fun of me, and it pissed me off.

I haven't really studied all summer because of no ambition too, and I feel a little guilty about it every day.

Tonight I might be driving to Hermiston to go party. Though awhile back I decided I would stay away from this person because of information that has been given to me, I now realize that the SOURCE of that information might be bias. I'm just going to have fun, I'm not emotionally involved or anything. If I get up there without my car taking a shit, it'll be a good night.

I'm pretty sure Nuveou decided not to hire me because Giselle talked to me on facebook and said that they've been hiring a lot of... other people, but she said she's going to talk to them about me. I'm going to give them a call today and ask if there are any updates on the position, but I'm not crossing my fingers or anything. Guess they're just like everyone else-- She doesn't have experience, so we're not going to give her a chance.

yours,
Emily

Lets be honest. Why money is the most important thing to me.

I'm going to be honest with everyone. Money is the most important thing in my life.

A lot of people say "Money isn't the most important thing," but I'd like them to explain to me their honest reasoning and why they feel that it's not. Because when I look at my own life, I see nothing more important besides school.

Levels of Importance for my Wellbeing, and how money connects with everything:

1. School. If I don't try hard and not study, therefore not getting good grades, then I won't graduate college and I won't get a good job in the future and I won't MAKE money. All the fighting that I dealt with between my parents when I was a kid was ultimately about money and how much debt we racked up living in California. It was miserable, and has caused me to fear more than anything being in debt and having to deal with the same garbage that they have.

2. Money. Without it, I can't get to school, I can't look good (because without makeup and skin care products, who could look good?), I have no social life. Everything falls apart. Luckily, my parents do support me, for the time being, but I know that right now ALL they support is gasoline for my car and don't give me money for clothes and makeup and stuff. That being said, hopefully I get a job so I can both save up some money and buy some clothes for the first time in a year.

3. My best friends. The reason why they come after school and money is because without money I'd never be able to see them because I would never want to be a mooch and every time we go anywhere have to have THEM pay. Without money, I'd have no gasoline to go see them.
My best friends are the most important social aspect of my life because without them, I'd probably go crazy with no outlet to get away from the stress at home and school. Though I only have a few best friends that I can trust: Katelynn, Katharine, Michael, and Robert, they mean the world to me and I would do anything for them.

4. My immediate family. In other words, my parents and my sister. My parents support me financially, and have never kicked me out or anything. They're supporting me in college, regardless of my Dad thinking I'm lazy as shit because I don't have a job. Someday, when I do have a job, I'll be able to break away from their support more so I don't have to deal with my dad screaming at me over how much money he has to spend on my gasoline, the car payment, insurance, and college.

5. Fitness. I will never become fat. I have to work out constantly and eat healthy to do this because I feel like, unlike the rest of my immediate family, that I got the fat gene and if I eat unhealthy I'll quickly gain weight and I'll immediately become depressed. That being said, I have to BUY groceries so that I can eat healthy. Without fresh food in the house, my diet immediately goes south, and I put on weight. This is how money connects with my health and fitness.

6. Happiness. Very rarely do I feel satisfied or "happy" with my life, but when I do, everything above is going well and then overall happiness happens temporarily.

That's pretty much it, those are the most important things in my life that have to work together for overall happiness. Because I'm a libra, I have to always be in balance to be happy, and all of those things above have near equal importance because if ONE falls apart, the others start to fall apart with it.

Notice how "Love" isn't up there. Because I've never been in love, this isn't important to me and I doubt I will EVER be in love and have someone that actually does care about me to that extent. But if I ever am with someone and get hitched or any of that shit, I'm intending on having enough money to support myself and I'd expect him to do the same because honestly after I've seen what my parents have been through I'm convinced that money problems can seriously destroy any "love."

I need to pack a lunch and go to school, but I had to get this off my chest...

yours,

Emily