Desperate to write but I don't know how to say it.

It's all too embarrising and potentially offensive to some to post this.

All I know is I have an uncontrolled problem, and as I've realized how bad it's gotten, and even if I've MADE these realizations-- it continues to happen when I associate with the wrong people. And it's making me sick. This time, I realized it before it went as far as it did with my previous situation this summer. It took being with my friend Katelynn and a lot of inspiration to realize how bad it was. I was once again blinded by my eternal desperation to fill a void in my soul.

And I don't want you jumping to conclusions. I didn't make any real mistakes. None that will make an affect on my life. But this will. Shadiness is obvious, it's all obvious to my gut feeling when something is wrong. When something is gross. When something could potentially be harmful to me and my friend. And yet I am drawn to the drama and the people that live lives so differently than my own. So could it be that the reason for this is to learn? That it is entertaining for me to witness first hand what these people's lives are like that are so unlike my own? I mean Guy is the same way. I LEARNED from him this summer, yet why am I not applying what I have learned?

I must find a way to change myself. Stop trying to turn things into what they're not. It's obvious that I need to get out of Benton City, stretch my wings, fly away. Meet people that more have the same goals. Have I forgotten about my goals? Do I think this will help me back progress in my life what so ever? (Also, if Samatha, IF you are reading this, this has nothing to do with today and playing kickball or anything close to that!)

This probably all doesn't make any sense to anyone.

yours,

Emily