Gimme a big glass of wine.

Sorry for not writing lately. I guess you could say I've been going through a LOT of anxiety. Reason being, I guess you could say Wellbutrin took it's lovely anxiety tole and makes me want to barf all the time. I cut Wellbutrin, for the last time. Never taking that shit again. Secondly, I've been working A TON, had two eight hour shifts this weekend... it's been rather miserable. I just need to relax and try to enjoy my damn life. My stomach just turns and churns, which makes it scary to even go to bed. I've been drinking sleep aids for that, and tonight I think I might drink a glass of wine.

Yeah, wine sounds really good. Maybe mix it with some juice or something so it doesn't taste like poison.

night

Your breathing sounds like snoring.

I'm in the CBC library killing some time. I have class at 5' and I should probably be studying but instead i'm messing around on facebook, writing this blog entry, and talking to this guy named Edward that looks a lot like Connor Arens-- except my height. It's interesting when people add me on facebook and take no initiative to actually talk to me unless I go out of my way to do so.

CBC's parking made me mad this morning. I showed up "Early," well, early for Japanese class, meaning 10... and I think the parking situation was worse than when I come at 11. There was ZERO parking anywhere! Not in the W building gravel, not in the overload parking... nowhere. I had to park over by the softball field, in the LAST parking space available. It made me so irritated because I had to walk about a quarter mile to get to class.

I'm designing my cover for my Japanese IV binder. This one is going to be sort of boring because I feel like I should be leaving the library soon... I have to finish that math assignment. Math class is going to be so boring this quarter, I'm so sick of it. It's the LAST hurdle.

Well hey I gtg... Gonna make like a fetus.

yours,
Emily

Ahh, back to the old grind.

I love school, I really do. I love being around people. I love feeling like I have a purpose. I love the stress. Stress and busyness is HEALTHY for me.

Today is the first day of school of my last year at CBC. Of course, this "year" is actually the last two quarters of my Sophomore year of college. It's somewhat hard to believe, but it makes me feel accomplished that I'm so close to my goal of getting my AA. I have math in four hours, so I'm just here killing time. I'm in the tutoring center, and nobody has realized yet that I'm not doing schoolwork. I guess blogger looks a little like schoolwork, I'm writing aren't I? …I moved the document to Word as soon as I wrote that because I think Word is more convincing.

There’s no more TechFee computer lab in the W building, as I might of mentioned before. This sucks for me because BOTH of my classes are in the W building. It would have been nice to just stay there but now I have to deal with walking all the way to S or L to do any work that needs printing. I wanted to make the cover of my Japanese binder for 4^th quarter, but decided to not even bother with the L building. The computers were full this time of year even WITH the W building computer lab, so it’s guaranteed to be more crowded in there now. It pisses me off, what if I have a last minute assignment to do that I HAVE to use the computers in the library for but they’re all full and all rented out? Luckily, with only taking math and Japanese, I probably won’t have to worry about too many writing assignments. It still sucks, though.

Or maybe it’s a blessing in disguise, let’s think of the positives. Facebook is very distracting, and without it, I can now spend my time more constructively.

Andrew told me today before Japanese class that he reads my blog every day. Hello Andrew! Lol. I am really surprised that anyone would take the time to read my rambling. Katharine told me that she does too. This blog can be very depressing at times but I feel happy that my life is turning around for the most part. It’s just nice to be busy again. And with my job, I’ll have money, and then I’ll have more of a social life, and it’ll all come together. I’m gonna see Katelynn tomorrow, I miss her already even if I just saw her last week, ha ha.

I’d like to meet Katelynn’s boyfriend one of these days and see what he’s like. I’ve met him briefly. She says she’d think I’d like him because he’s into System of a Down and plays guitar. Yep, he’s A-OK with me, lol.

The first Japanese class went well today. Sensee is as sweet as always, and went over the syllabus with us quickly. We’ve heard it four times now. I was happy with how much I remember to do grammar wise, because even if I studied quite I bit, I still felt like I wasn’t entirely prepared. I will continue to study, especially now that she’s added a “chit chat” time of the class where we are assigned to talk to our neighbors in Japanese. Today, me, Hannah and Leah talked to eachother about what we did during the summer. It was pretty difficult, and our conversation was pretty paused and awkward, but we tried and that’s what counts. : ) Its weird not having Michael in the class with Leah, she seems a little lost about it. I felt bad today because she was going to sit by me and I told her that I’m sitting by Hannah. Me and Hannah have always been speaking partners and I know we do really well together, so I had to be honest. I tried to tell her as kindly as possible, and said she could sit by me on the other side if she’d like too.
Mark or “Markie,” as Leah and Michael call him, is no longer in the class. I didn’t hear Sensee call his name out, and I noticed that nobody noticed he was gone. Unspoken Philippino guy, Ken san, is no longer in our class either. Neither is long haired Zach, who rarely showed up to class last quarter anyway.  We picked Japanese names today. I’m going to write the ones I know so I can remember to call them by that name.

So the final class roster is: Hannah, Me (now known as Aiko, my Japanese name), Leah (Akane), Brenna, Manuel (he’s going to have a Japanese name), Betsy (Aki), Caitlin (also pending), Alex (Shiro), Ashley (Haruka), Jose, Taylor (Godzilla), Jon (Umino), Sean (Daragon), Phil, Andrew, Geoff (pending)

I might be missing person as I always do, but I’m almost sure that was everybody that was in class today. 16 people. Dwindled down a lot from the original 50+ students that said they were going to go “all the way” with it. I remember Colin during second quarter telling me he was going to take all the classes and about a week later he dropped it because his wife was going to have a baby. I know it may seem weird that I keep track of who has come and gone, but after you spend a year with the same group of people, you start to get to know them.

If I did have a Japanese club party, it would be a LOT smaller of a group this year, unless I invited all of the first year people which would be a ton of people I don’t know, haha. I’m still intending on having a going away party, but it’s going to be all of my friends, including the Japanese club group that is still taking the class by then. Hannah doesn’t know if she’s going to be taking Japanese V, but I’m very thankful that she’s taking IV with me. Got a little nervous this morning when she was the last one to show up to class.

I got a text from Leah this morning saying that “The Troll” (aka Ashleigh) was sitting in on the first two Japanese I classes. What the Hell? I thought she said she was transferring. Ugh, I should of known, she’ll never leave. She’ll be here at CBC long after I’m gone. At least she’s not “sitting in” in our class too… But god, just the thought of seeing her at the club meetings makes me irritable. I’m just not going to let her bother me, there’s nothing she can do that can affect me. I just hope that if I do have input in club meetings that she won’t shoot up her hand and tell why it wouldn’t work or something lame like that. Leah said that she’s going to be tutoring in the Japanese I classes. Hmmm.

Well, I’m gonna get going. Getting sort of hungry. Simply put, things are going good, I’m happy to be back in school, and I’m happy to be alive.

Yours,
Emily

Where did my appetite go? And SCHOOL IS TOMORROW.

I saw this last night on family guy and thought this was sooo funny and true.

Yo.

This morning I have work at 12. This means that I'm gonna have to eat lunch in about a half hour so that I'm not starving around 4'. I had special K this morning for breakfast... I'm telling you, anyone that actually goes on the Special K diet is probably starving all the time. Seriously, every time I eat that cereal I feel sort of unsatisfied, and then I feel REALLY unsatisfied in two hours or so.

Speaking of hunger, Wellbutrin really does it's job with making me eat less. I've lost some weight already from taking it, combined with doing pilates. I dropped weight really fast last time I was on it, but that was because it was a combination of the anxiety and lack of eating when I was with Guy with the meds. Now, I actually do eat, but a lot less than I used too. It's not about lack of hunger, because I'm hungry at about the same times every day, but it's more about lack of appetite. Food just... doesn't look as appealing anymore, partially because it doesn't taste as good. Wellbutrin dulls your pleasure sensors, both sexually and when you eat. For some people, they get a LOT of pleasure out of eating, and that's why they have such ravenous appetites. I could be wrong, but I think this is why a lot of obese people seek out magical weight loss pills that will automatically "melt the fat away" without having to change their daily lives of bad eating habits.


I'm a little nervous for work today, I guess because every day i'm expected to ask less questions. Granted, I don't ask too many questions, but now that I haven't worked for a few days I'm going to need a refresher on how to do stuff on the cash register.

"OMG! THERE'S THE CUTEST GUY IN MY SPANISH CLASS EVEREVEREVEREVER!! OWW!!"-My sister. Wow! I guess she's magically healed! She's been sick for days now... and she hogs the TV in the living room with her Kim Kardashian and her food network. Granted, yeah, she's been really sick, but now that she's gotten better I know that the tension is going to come back in the house. I just hope the new meds I'm on can keep me from having angry flare ups at my family. Things have been going good lately, and i'd like to keep it that way. Ugh knock on wood.

So, school is tomorrow. I'm wondering what this year will hold, and who will be in my math 98 class. I wonder this because in my last math class at school (math 96), I met a bunch of people and it set the stage for the craziness that happened this summer. Makes me sort of happy that I am taking math 98, not 97, because there would be a good chance that I'd be with almost the exact same group. Granted, they're fun, but Josh Fischer made it really hard to pay attention (on the days that he WAS there). He's so cute. Probably best that I stay away from him, he has a very serious girlfriend that loves him-- and I'm not a complete bitch. I sort of doubt he's going to be moving on to math 97... I remember how much he was playing catch up at the end of the quarter this last spring.

I'm wondering mainly what people I'm going to meet this year. I met a LOT of people last year in my classes, some of which i'm not in contact with at all. I know that some of my friends that I have now i'll probably lose contact with. I'm sad that Brad isn't going to be in my Japanese class this upcoming quarter. Neither is:
-Mike F., That is unless Leah pulled him into another quarter. I wouldn't be surprised if I did see him in class tomorrow, but he seemed pretty set on not taking it when I talked to him last, prodominantly because he says he doesn't need the credits and that it'd be pointless.
-Marisa M., She is at a university now, and had to take a Japanese placement exam. She was really nice, and it's going to be sad having her gone.
-Chris S. Because he's actually IN Japan right now in the JET program. Very lucky.
-Brad P. Because of the time slot, and wanting to spend time with his kids. I could imagine having it right in the middle of te day would be inconvient for him.
-David Garcia. I don't know why he's not. He seems like he wants too, and said he may or may not be taking it.
-Gladys. She's going to a university too.

So that narrows our class down to the three fangirls, Ashley, Geoff, Leah, the three gamers that sit in the back, Andrew, Hannah, Chris with the guages, Nathanael, Mark, Zach, Jon, Ken, and... I'm pretty sure that's it. I feel like I'm missing a couple people but maybe not. It's going to be a pretty small class, but I'm almost sure that THIS group is going to pretty much stay consistant until the end of the year, except for Hannah who's leaving at the end of fall and me (I'm leaving after Winter, of course).  I already have an idea of who's going to be in the Year 1 classes too. Well, i know a few people that are taking it.

Anyway, I'm gonna get going. Gonna eat lunch and go to work.

yours,
emily

Work, work, work... and school! yay! screw summer.

I've added a new drug to my regime, and I think I've finally found a perfect balance.

I'm now taking GABA, a concentration aid and "Nature's natural calming agent." This stuff is FANTASTIC because I feel so much calmer throughout the day and no longer have the flare ups.
So I'm taking:
Wellbutrin for depression,
Gaba for anxiety that comes with Wellbutrin,
Zarah for birth control and
Prenatals for iron deficiency

I know this is pretty weird to share, but I honestly don't feel ashamed of it. I've been struggling with depression my whole life, and it's obvious if you're a regular reader of this blog that I NEED medication because of my chemical imbalance. But Gaba has helped me so much, I feel "normal," I guess you can say. It's sort of a similar feeling that I got from Adderal. Normal, and my mind isn't cluttered with unnessasary bullshit. And with Wellbutrin helping with my depression, I'm doing great. The past couple days I haven't fought or yelled at anyone. Me and my sister actually TALKED. It's like the second coming of Christ! haha.

I'm going to write out the next two weeks for my schedule. Just to get this shit straight.

Week 1:

Sunday, September 18: Work from 12-4:15
Monday, Sept 19: Off, Japanese 11:30-12:30, Math from 5:00 PM-7:00 PM. Pack lunch AND dinner.
Tuesday, Sept 20: Off, Japanese from 11:30-12:30
Wednesday, Sept 21: Off, Japanese from 11:30-12:30. Math from 5:00 PM-7:00 PM Pack lunch AND dinner.
Thursday Sept 22: Japanese from 11:30-12:30, Work from 2-7 pm. Come to school in work clothes (just slacks and a plain t-shirt, not a big deal)
Friday, Sept 23: Work 2-10.
Saturday: Work 2-10

Total Hours in Week 1: 25 Hours, 25x9.67=$241.75

Week 2 same school schedule:
Sunday: 12-4:15
Thursday: 2-7
Friday: 1-10, Pack dinner
Saturday: 1-10 Pack Dinner

Total Hours in Week 2: 27 Hours, 27x9.67= $261.09

=$502.84!!!

I realize how important it is now to keep this job. I obviously need the money, for buying stuff that I need and saving up for school. I'll figure out my weekly budget after my first week of school to figure out how much I need to put away in my savings account for college and how much I can have for myself. I also should probably start chipping for things, like my cell bill and my car payment. Actually, yeah, my car payment for sure because my dad would probably REALLY appreciate that.

That being said, I am going to work HARD to my job to do the best I can so I can keep up getting this good amount of hours! I hope nobody there ends up getting annoyed with me because of the questions I ask. The cash register can be a major pain, but I'm getting the hang of it.
Stuff I need to remember:
-Coupons only work if you scan their wellness card first.
-Get someone a wellness card if they want the discounts but don't have a card. Get out the pamphlet, take their name and phone number, scan the card, give the customer the card, put their information in the stack after putting a sticker on their pamphlet stating their card number. Give customer pamphlet information.
-Tax exempt is under $ tab.

Yeah not too hard.

Alright well, I'm gonna get going. Today I'm gonna study.

yours,
Emily

My sister is going to the emergency clinic. Her right ear and nose is closed up, and her throat is burning. She also has a horrendous cough. I hope she can get some treatment and can just rest. She is not giving herself a chance to heal because she stays up until 1 am texting people. Soo I have little sympathy on how slow this has been healing, but I warned her that if she's not careful she could potentially get a pnumonia. This could cause her to be out of school for a month versus just this week. I still haven't gotten sick yet, I'm very thankful. I've been eating grapefruit and taking prenatals everyday. Maybe this makes me more resiliant. I need to buy more grapefruit though... I've eaten a bag of them in a week. I've still got $50 out of the $60 that my parents gave us from simply not leaving the house and doing anything. Best way to save.

I've been spending a lot of my time either playing the guitar, pilates, smoking or dinking around online. I need to incorporate more studying into this time or I'm going to feel a little lost when school starts up again. Granted, I have studied Japanese more than most people have this summer, but I need to really crack down these next two days. I have work on Sunday so I probably won't study that much but I should try to make today, tomorrow and saturday a cram day. At least get in two hours each day. Then I will be ready. 100% ready.

Waking up in the morning with no plans sucks balls. This never used to bother me much back in middle school when I would spend about eight hours a day on Neopets. Back then I generally tried to avoid people at all costs, aside from Katelynn. In highschool when I had soccer practice on a near day to day basis during the summer, I always had something to do.

I want one.

I think I'm gonna go make some morning brew....

I think naturally I'm just a loner. I can go very long stretches of time with no contact with anyone, but writing these blog entries helps me get stuff off my mind without nessasarily telling anyone. I do like being around people, but only people that I actually enjoy the company of, which isn't too many.

I'm pretty happy because I haven't gotten any call from Rite Aid complaining about signatures on reciepts, maybe I didn't miss any after all. Looks like I did a good job after all. I am still a little confused on certain functions on the register, but it seems like most people that come through there are patient so it's okay. I'm good with money, and I don't make errors with change. I'm sure that's the most important thing to them.

Mmm, sweet coffee. I love this strong coffee that Brad from Japanese class gave me with sweet n low. Soo good. I usually don't put any sweeteners in my coffee and just put up with the bitterness, but this morning I felt like going through the extra effort because I actually have the time to enjoy what I'm drinking instead of chugging while I put my makeup on.

Haven't gotten a call from the lady from Burbank yet about the new site director, and it's making me slightly anxious because I made a sacrafice for this job-- I dropped a morning drawing class that I wanted to take. Though this class was just for fun, I've wanted to take it since I got to CBC and I still haven't gotten the opportunity, this time because of this morning tutoring job. But if I'm not even going to get a call from them what am I supposed to do? I don't know her number... I already have one job, but having two jobs would be amazing because i'd make a lot more money AND get great experience working with kids. Still, if I don't get that job I guess i'll have more time to study in the morning. Math and Japanese are both hard classes,and I'm going to have to study and get a lot of work done. Luckily Rite Aid is only going to want me on the weekends (counting Thursday nights), prodominantly.

I am going to set some goals for today. I guess with my parents gone I've been trying to be as productive as possible because the house is quiet, and I'm also trying to keep the house very clean.

Goals:

1. Clean up the kitchen. Get rid of that rice, whipe down the counters, put away the dishes, put in new dishes.

2. Clean up the living room, my sister leaves such a damn mess in there.

3. Whipe down the bathroom.

4. Bring up the laundry from downstairs and put clothes in designated rooms. Start a new load of laundry.

5. Study Japanese for TWO HOURS.

6. Do pilates for a half hour.

7. Play guitar for an hour.

...And if all that gets done, make a youtube video. That is, if I have any ideas for it.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

yours,

Emily

Loving the sound of certain people's speaking voice?

It's weird watching myself on youtube.

I just made this video today. Lovely icon, isn't it? I look just darling. Someday, Youtube will get the wise idea to let us choose our own icons. Not uploading wise, NO, that would be a freaking disaster. You'd have tons of videos with super awesome icons that when you click on them get you rick roll'd or some shit. That's why I say thank god you can't upload pictures to represent your videos, because you would have to weed through way more crap.

Granted, a lot of youtube IS crap, but some of that crap I enjoy, mainly blogs. My love of blogs is somewhat hard to explain, and I've never tried explaining it before except for to Michael Kaminski who actually understood what I was talking about, which was so relieving to me because I thought I was alone. I will try to explain this the best way I can.

For some reason, I love listening to vblogs (video blogs), and very rarely watch any other kinds of videos on youtube. I usually have vlogs playing while I browse the net, which may seem weird to some... but who would want to sit there and watch someone's face? Usually I have vblogs on in the background if I'm cleaning or want to zone out on something, like the guitar, and totally lose myself and listen.

Shannon Copley, one of my favorite vloggers. I think her voice is so relaxing for some reason.
I guess it gives me the same feeling as listening to some very relaxing music.

You see, it's not just anyone's voice that I can listen to for eight minutes and enjoy the sound of their voice as if it was enjoying their company-- in fact most people's voices I can't stand. I've noticed that most of the people that I listen to on a regular basis have accents:
-IvoryTicklerMama has a southern accent like Paula Dean.
-QueenJasmineTagaholi has an English accent.

-XiiaoJerry has one of those cute Asian (Chinese I think) EFL accents.

-Kiwua1963 has a Mexican accent.

But then there's also people that I enjoy listening to that don't have accents unlike my own such as Coffeehouseporcupine, ShannonCopley, and RainbowPagan2. But something about all of those user's voices makes me feel calm.

But maybe it's not about their voices as it is about what they're saying. I like CoffeeHousePorcupine's videos, but I would only listen to his vlogs about his daily life, not nessasarily the depressing ones about living with lymph node leukemia and his MLB favorites.

Coffeehouseporcupine. His rant about closing shopping malls when it's hot out.

Maybe I just like listening to them because they are talking about possitive things and it helps me not think about the goings on in my life. It also teaches me a lot about people, and just the fact that I'm listening to someone talk about their daily lives enchants me in a sense because I love getting a better understanding of people in their day to day lives. We all vary so much in our cultures.

Just thought I would talk about that tonight. Today has been slow, but me and Corey got together toward the end of the day and watched the final episode of america's got talent. Landau won!!! Woooo!!! I'm so happy.

yours,

emily

My thesis of the past.

I need to write down my thoughts, there's so much going on in my head right now.

It's still September 13th, still. Seems like it has been forever. I feel like my days are going by extremely, painstakingly slow lately. But like I said, a day is a gift. I need to learn to enjoy my life for what it is instead of what it someday might be.Because unless I enjoy my life now, I will never know when that POINT is that I am completely content by my life and how I'm living it. "Highschool will be better..." then thinking "Well it'll be different at CBC.." and now saying, "Well it will be better and I'll be happier when I'm at a university." Granted yes, in these stages of my life have gotten progressively better as time goes on. Have I ever been consistantly stable and happy with it? No. But I need to make this realization NOW before I continue on this cycle that probably isn't letting me enjoy for what it is NOW. The present.

Because the past doesn't exist. It's not matter, it's only something that lives on in our minds. The past itself is nothing more than a shared thought of certain situations and numerous perspectives of moments. Which means that if nobody remembers it, and there is no proof such as a photograph or a video, it's as if the past never existed. A person itself is the same way. Once you die, and everybody that knows you dies, it will be as if you had never existed without some photograph or proof. Famous people live on, for eternity, in the memories of people. But most people, we die and are forgotten in time, some of us longer than others. This is a scary thought to think but this is where our PURPOSE comes in. If God has a purpose for us, we all have a part to play. Our PURPOSE is what makes us individuals here on earth, not by the memories we've created individually. But we as a generation is what people will remember us by for hundreds of years to come.

Wow. That was some good pot. I feel like this is something that has been nestled in me and scaring me for a long time. I wish I never would of thought of it but I feel a weird sense of relaxation finally letting this out.

When people are watching, I fuck up in nearly everything. 200 days

Good news, parents are gone for a few days, which means I get some time to not be yelled at by my dad. He was all yelling at me about a week ago about "not having parties." Please, like I've ever been the type to throw a party. Plus, I honestly wouldn't trust myself to throw a good party... my mom has always done that type of thing. He didn't yell at Avery about it, ironically, who has way more friends that would actually show up here. Dad also finally realized that his brownies aren't in the freezer... little does he know they haven't been in months. I just let him yell at me about it, but didn't really apologize or anything. What is there to apologize about, he was stupid to leave them out there. And why would he want some 2 month old, freezer burnt brownies? He called me a bogart numerous times and screamed about it to himself in the basement. I'm sure my mom isn't going to hear the end of it for the entire trip. Again, I don't care.

I have no respect for my dad. I lost that respect when he clearly lost his faith and respect in me. I know that he's one of the main reasons why I have so much stress, anxiety and anger in my life. So I'm NOT sorry I took your brownies. I AM sorry, however, that you would actually EXPECT me to have any respect for you after how you've treated me this summer. You fail.
So yeah, gone for three days. Maybe more, depending on how long my dad wants to stick around. I think they're going to Spokane or Portland, I don't really know.

Thank god my sister has a car now. It's such a blessing. She's hardly EVER home anymore, as we all predicted. This means that no longer is she continually borrowing me and mom's car and actually seems to be spending more time out with her friends than bringing them here. She seems to be very saturated in this group of kids from Richland, and I can't keep up with who she brings over. Bean isn't hanging out with avery anymore, so like she always does, Avery immediately found new friends. Don't ask me how she does it, I've been trying to make more girl friends for months now. Not saying that there's anything wrong with my old friends! Obviously. But because I didn't have a job and my friends did, I got really lonely. Not really a problem anymore though. ANYway, there's this new girl named Marisa who seems nice enough. She's not as loud as this other girl that Avery was hanging around with who I really couldn't stand. Avery keeps on talking about guys that neither me or my mom know at all, and it seems to be a new one every week. I think she had a boyfriend for a couple weeks there... never met him though. She recently got ditched for homecoming for some slutty freshman girl. This seems to happen a lot to my sister because she's incredibly prude, so guys go for what's easier. I respect her for that-- I obviously need to work on it, but good god, at least hold their hand on the second date, sheesh.

Work today went pretty good. I'm still having trouble with the loopholes of the cash register, but I know that my change counting was 100% accurate. I'm a pro at it. I however am VERY concerned that I didn't get the signatures of people that used credit cards on the "store copy" reciepts. That being said, if I did screw that up, today could of very well been my last day working there. My service is really good though, and i've gotten the hang of things almost immediately. It's funny, they sell at a lot of wine at Rite Aid-- that's one of the things that they apparently have the best prices on. Two big bottles for about $8... But old people get pissed when I have to ask for their date of birth because my computer isn't programmed with the option, "Person is obviously of age. Y/N" but just brings up a DOB window.

Some old people are not as sweet and delightful as others. In fact, some of them are just downright rude and talk down to me when I can't do things immediately. God forbid, you should have to stand there for longer than 30 seconds to get your purchase rung up. What exactly are you doing that's so important, anyway? Don't get me wrong though, most of the elderly that come through are nice. Claudia was still hovering over me extremely close today, which is when I make mistakes. I had been really good about giving every person their reciept except for this one time with this old man that didn't even want a bag. He just wanted his Bayer and his change and he wanted to get out. But god damn it, I gave him his change and took the Bayer out of the bag for him and forgot to give him his reciept but thought for sure I did. I said it was weird that the printer would print two reciepts when Claudia noticed it. Then she proceeds to pretty much RUN out to this guy's truck and tell him the situation about WHY he didn't get his reciept and make sure that he didn't get the WRONG reciept. I felt pretty stupid. I'm looking forward to having my own cashier login next week so Claudia can get off my back. She's been very helpful but it gets frustrating. I don't do well with people looking over my shoulder. When she went to lunch and another manager just pretty much let me alone, I did just fine. I just haven't fully gotten the hang of the many different beepy issues with that register.

I start work again on Sunday, the day before school starts. God damn, school is starting soon. This is gonna be a lot. It is what it is though. I need money. I've survived this entire summer being broke or practically broke and I'm REALLY looking forward to my first paycheck. I've already racked up about $100 in two days. Any amount of money at this point seems like the freaking holy grail. I'm concerned that my picnik account has charged my debit card even though i've had no money in there for a month or so. It concerns me that there might be a bounced withdrawl in there somewhere and my dad will get a $30 fee for it. Very, very scary. Hopefully he won't notice if it does happen.

Well I'm gonna go, it's 4:33 pm. I'm gonna play some guitar today and practice Japanese. Each day is a gift, better make the most of today's.

yours,
Emily

Biting off way more than I can chew.

This is the solo to Hypnotise by System of a Down. Yes, I'm still playing the guitar. I've gotten a lot better since I started using the tab site that robert showed me, but what sucks is that it's zoomed in super close so you have to scroll through all the lines.

Though this is probably illegal, I prnt scrn'd the tabs onto a paint document so i could read them here.

Owld People! My first day working at Rite Aid.

YAY, first day of work. I'm super hungry so it's hard to think... Note to self, tomorrow I work from 10-2 PM.

It went pretty well, even if it was very very long.. I was definately the youngest one there today by at least ten years. The day starting out doing this career test called CSI's. Basically, you are talked through these extremely long and boring slides and then you have to answer questions about what had been read to you. It's not hard, a lot of it was common sense, but it's a test of focus. I sat there for two hours doing the CSI's before I got a break, and I barely even made a dent in them.

After doing the CSI's I got cashier training from a really sweet lady named Claudia. She's ridiculously sweet and patient with me, and I tried my hardest and knew I probably got a little bit frustrating a couple times. The cash register is pretty simple in comparison to Toys R Us. Not that much to learn, and not very many promotional things. Sometimes people brought in coupons, but it's not like every other person. Practically every regular shopper has a Wellness card and we don't have to offer them if they don't have them. We do have to greet everyone that walks in though. Not a problem.

I had to work on the floor for a couple hours. I'm happy that I've already got the store down and know the locations of a lot of the items now. I helped an elderly guy find Dr. Scholls today. That's the thing about this place, there are a lot of elderly people. I'd say that's 80% of the customers. Soo I think for the whole day only one person bought makeup, and a few people bought some of the random seasonal junk-- most of the sales are from cigarettes (which are HARD to locate... that's something that I need to work on. So many variations) and meds.

I made $69 today! That's exciting to me. Apparently the first payday is this Thursday, so I'm going to make very much but $69 alone makes me happy. Tomorrow I'll probably bring that to about $100. With every paycheck, I'm going to put a certain amount of it in a savings account that I'm going to have just for college. Then the rest of it will go to my main account. That way, there's no way I can touch the money that's in my college savings and I can be a little bit easier on myself in spending. I am probably not going to spend any of the money from my paycheck on anything but gasoline.

My sister got backed out on. Apparently some guy from Richland was going to take her. She'll get another date. Her friend Marisa is going to go with her. This guy that was originally going to go with her sounds like a complete douchebag.

OH! Speaking of douchebags! Jack and Jessica broke up. I heard this from my mom today. She was the one that told me they were even dating in the first place. He's going to go back to Central and find another carbon copy blonde dumbass that he thinks will impress his mommy. I still hate both of them. But it's funny that he got dumped.

It's been a good day. I'm excited for speghetti and I hope me and Katelynn end up hanging out, either tonight or tomorrow. I'm looking forward to meeting the new guy that she likes. I know it's crazy that right after her engagement she has interest in someone else, but that wasn't the original intention. He's pretty cute and he seems to really like her.

yours,
Emily

I think I hate practically all "Happy" music. But will this change?

This song is retarded.

Yet, it has 15 million views and people love this song. Jason Mraz is now on my list of artists who I think are horrible. This list includes Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Modest Mouse, Foo Fighters, Autumn, Taylor Swift, Maroon 5, and now Jason Mraz. These 'happy go lucky', corny love songs, for some reason, make me cring. I don't understand people that like this kind of music. Some girl on YouTube told me that "unless you've been in love," I can never understand...

Well, someday, if I'm ever in love, I will not change my taste in music. I'll still listen to death metal and lots of other rock music (...except alternative). Doesn't matter who I'm with, they can put up with it. My mom told me that she used to listen to "hard" music (which was probably British punk rock because it was "in"..) but once she had babies she just thought it was "inappropriete" for a mom to be driving around blasting rock music with children in the car. This made me think. Even if I've loved rock music since the 8th grade, and it's become progressively harder over the years (from the hippie classic rock that I used to listen to my sophomore year to listening to Metallia, Mastodon and Opeth today), I wonder if my taste WILL change. Will I be listening to this corny, happy go lucky, acoustic guitar, make-me-want-to-puke-a-little-when-I-hear-this music? Time can only tell. I doubt it.

..And another thing, my mom listened to rap, hip-hop and pop in the car when we were kids. Are you telling me that that music is a better influence on kids then rock music? Probably not.

I like J-Pop, I guess that's the only break in the mold with my love and dedication to only rock music. I've only got a little on my Zune because it's hard to locate and download songs. Plus it's a pain to learn about artists because I have to weed through a lot of shitty, annoying ones. Granted, that's the same with any genre of music, but J-pop is especially hard because there's not a lot of sites in English that talk about it.

Last night I hung out with Robert's girlfriend, Vicki, and her ex boyfriend Adolfo. We smoked and had a good time. Last night there was some big football game up at the highschool, and I was at home doing my own thing when Vicki texted me. It was a very fun night. I just got really, really tired and paranoid after awhile and it was nice of her to take me home. I can't be staying out too late anyway. My parents are keeping kind of a close eye on me I think, probably because of how this summer has been.

When Vicki and Adolfo pulled up, my Dad yells "Avery some of your friends are here!" and Avery runs down, "OHH who is it?!" Like, OH YAY more people are here for ME! I'm like, "No, those are my friends..." And Avery replies, "What a surprise." Like, thus implying, 'Usually nobody comes over to see you.' My mom was like, "Well you know usually they're Avery's friends." I called Avery a stupid bitch and left. I don't give a fuck if Avery has more friends than me, you don't need to rub it in my face when I do go out.

Speaking of going out, it's Nick B.'s going away party today, but I don't think I'm going to go. Money is too tight right now and I need to save my gasoline for tomorrow. I'm going to that kickball thing. Tyler has been sort of cold toward me lately, so I don't think I'm going to take him with me and I'm going to take Ivy instead. She's really nice to me and cuts hair. : ) I'll be taking Adolfo, Samantha, Ivy, and maybe Jodi if she wants to go. I think Tyler Davis really wants her to go because he likes her.

There's only 9 days until school. I think today i'll study the hell out of Chapter 2, and then tomorrow i'll do 3, and so forth. That way I get fully caught up right on time. I've been studying quite a bit. Probably not going to make up for an entire summer of not studying but I'll be fine. I'm remembering so much already.

Today my goals are:

-Study Chapter 2

-Do Japanese worksheets

-Not laze around on the computer.

-Do 30 minutes pilates

-Do 45 min DDR

-play guitar for an hour

-Keep my sanity.

yours,

Emily

I'm such a homebody when there's no school or work. 204. Cumpulsive eating disorder.

Good news. Accomplished what I needed to get done today. I went to Rite Aid and delivered my schedule, and this upcoming Monday I have my first day of work. Today's friday... which means still a few days of boredom and trying to keep myself busy. I've got plans to meet up with a bunch of friends and play kickball on Sunday, though, that should be pretty fun. I have school on the 19th.... ten more days. And 204 more days until April Fools Day. Lol, yes, I'm going to keep track of that too.

You know, I have been thinking, I put so much effort into counting the number of days before certain events occur, that maybe I'm not making the most of TODAY because I'm thinking too much about what the future holds. However, when I make plans like this, I know how to manage my finances, and what to prepare for. It also gives me an estimate of how much I should study each day to prepare for things. For instance, a teacher will give us a reminder that there's a test in five days or something, then I'll study little by little each day and then when that day finally comes, do some final cramming.

..But by doing this, I'm probably not making the most of my life. Of course I've always been like this, I don't tend to relax and enjoy the "moment," but instead am too busy thinking about what and where things are going.

I haven't been eating very healthy lately. Like today I ate a bowl of cereal with milk, and then for lunch I had some mashed potatos with leftover steak pieces from last night, and had a couple handfuls of chips throughout the day. That is BAD. I shouldn't be eating chips at ALL but they are in my house so I've been eating them when I'm hungry. Like literally, my mom went and bought "food" last night and all that she bought was tortilla chips, sunchips, a Hershey's bar with almonds (which pisses me off because i couldn't resist that), A PIE... Then the cupboards aren't that better, there's all these unhealthy snacks that I can't even fathom eating because I'll feel like shit after I do and then I force myself to exercise for an hour or so afterward just to burn off the calories of the bad stuff that I ate.

It's a nightmare. It's like, all the junk food in my house DRIVES me to being anorexic. I'm thankful though, I called my mom and asked her if I could go grocery shop and she said she'd love for me to do that. I'm sure she knows how miserable I am... I watch my diet and my weight like a fucking hawk. I walked out in the living room, bitching about it, and my sister who was sitting on the couch eating from a bag of Funyuns goes, "I don't know why you'd think I care." Because she shouldn't care. Because she never gains weight. But I do.

I don't want to be fat.
I don't want to be fat.
I'd fucking hate being fat.

I don't think people realize my eating obsessiveness and cumpulsive behavior besides my family. They don't seem to understand it. But honestly, it's one of my biggest fears. All of my genes come from my dad's side. Practically everyone in his family are considered overweight or obese, and the only reason my dad doesn't weigh 300 pounds is because he works out all the time when he's outside working and never sleeps. My sister on the other hand looks nothing like my dad's side, and got genes from my mom's side. Almost everyone in my mom's side is really thin, beautiful, and has California skin that freckles and tans easily. My sister doesn't tan much but she definately got my mom's skin in the sense that it's sort of dry.

don't get me wrong, I'm actually thankful for getting my dad's genes. There are some BEAUTIFUL features that I got from his side. Some people on my Dad's side have big eyes, which we got from my Grandpa walt. My Aunt Terry, cousin Graham and cousin Rachel have them too. I also got a button nose, which is another feature on my dad's side. My dad has one too. My sister has a somewhat pointy nose that she got from my mom. I also got the "heart shaped" face from my Dad's side, which my aunt terry has too. And soft skin, too. And if I have sons one day, they won't bald because my Dad has thick hair and hasn't balded (and probably won't. He's almost 50 now.) That being said I'm not down on myself about the genes that I DID get, because there's many good ones, but I know that I gain weight super easily and so I have to obsess on it every day.

I'm thinking about what I need to get... I haven't gone grocery shopping in ages or had a say in what my parents have been buying (haven't gone grocery shopping with my mom), so it's junk food Hell. I'm going to have to buy a lot.
-Fat free milk
-Whole wheat bread
-Oranges
-Grapefruit
-Fresh greens to make salads
-Frozen vegetables, canned vegetables
-Healthy canned soup. i've been craving tomato for some reason.
-Green tea that doesn't taste like crap (because what i'm using now does)
-Frozen turkey breast
-Healthy lunchmeat
-Hummus
-Whole wheat crackers
-Pad Thai
-Canned bean sprouts
...And whatever other healthy food sounds good.

DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT EVIL LIVES IN THE MOTHERFUCKING SKIN

I'm extremely pissed off.

I don't see what the point of learning the guitar is if I can only play it when i'm alone. Literally, the only time I can play is when I'm zoning out, alone in my room. I played Hypnotize by System of a Down about 20 times before my Mom got home. When she got home, I was pretty impressed with myself and asked her to hear me play it. But, as always, she listens to me play it and it sounds like a fucking dying cat. I couldn't play it at all!!! I have a problem where if someone is listening, I tense up horribly, and can't play for shit. It's the most frustrating garbage ever and I've never been able to overcome it. Tried to play the Coheed and Cambria song I've practiced probably over a hundred times to Katelynn? Bombed it. Sounded like shit. Couldn't hear some of the notes because my finger hit the bar and it made that horrible TWANG sound.

David Guzman said I should get a metronome. That might actually help a lot. My rhythm is so off and it seems like i'm just forcing the notes instead of playing it how it's supposed to be played.

This morning I went to Rite Aid and had to fill out some more paperwork and she wants me to fill out my schedule for the next three weeks. I am hoping that with this, work will actually start. I'm tired of all of these interviews and meet-ups and crazy tests. That's another thing, they want me to take ANOTHER test. I already took a survey, but now they want me to take a test. Ugh, it's getting obnoxious. At least I've got a job, that's a huge plus. i'm nervous for it to start, but at least I won't have some Korean bitch breathing down my neck.

Fuck I don't even want to talk today. I don't want to interact or do anything with anyone.

yours,
Emily

Vivid dreams and their symbolism. 206.

206 more days.

I had a lot of dreams last night, and I'm going to try to decifer them.

First off, these are all of the people that were in the dream:

-Katharine, one of my best friends. Usually she doesn't show up in my dreams because they're usually about more random people.

-Guy, had a thing with him this summer. We haven't talked in about a month when I cut things off completely because we stopped talking and I got some random event invite from him. Someone I stressed out about all summer, but at the same time I'm happy that I was with him because it gave me something to do.

-Corey B.- He started talking to me randomly recently. We had a bit of a thing for about three days.... then I was like, uhmm nooo this isn't working out.

-Trista N.- This one blonde chick that I think is my sister's age and I think dated Nick S. I was randomly looking around facebook and it says on her profile that she's into girls, which is weird to me because she's a conservative redneck. You like, never see that, at least publically. I imagine she gets a lot of shit for it.

~Dream~

It starts out in Guy's house in Hermiston. We're cuddling with eachother and messing around a little bit. Suddenly he's like, "Shit, I gotta go to school. You driving me?" And for some reason I said "Yes" like this was some regular thing. Note that Guy does not go to school. We start heading toward the front door and he pushes me down again and we start messing around, this time he takes his shirt off. I'm like "Uhmm. You have school in like 15 minutes and it's the first day... you should probably go to class." And he's like, "No, summer's not over yet."

Suddenly I look up, and there's freakin Corey Brundridge and a couple other guys like, sitting there on the bed, and they're like "Guy are we going to party tonight?" When me and Corey saw eachother I was somewhat humiliated and thought I looked slutty. I introduced Corey to Guy as "another guy I was with." Guy seemed to accept this. I get up, and sit by the side of the bed to figure out what the Hell was going to happen next. Guy comes up behind me and puts his head on my shoulder and his legs around me. Then suddenly, this chick Trista comes in and starts talking to me like we're friends and then fucking.. like, gets on top of me and starts giving me a lap dance. I was extremely confused. I remember thinking to myself, "Oh God Guy is going to want a three way..."

This part of the dream stops.

The next part of the dream happens like when we were driving to Lincoln city. Me, Katharine and my Mom were in the van heading to Disney Land, and Katharine was wearing the same exact thing and was wearing glasses like she was when we went to Lincoln city. I remember being happy that my mom offered to drive us all the way there.

We were at this waterpark part of Disney Land-- if there actually is one, I don't know. We were hanging out and suddenly I realized that I had to go to the bathroom. I told my mom that I was going to go find one and my mom is like, "Oh my god you know that the nearest one is like 18 miles away right? Unless you want to use the porta potty... " My mind isn't good with distances, apparently. Very, very far away. And I was thinking, oh god those things are my worst nightmare. So gross.

I look over and there's like 20 people standing in line to use these two stupid porta potties that were like, Island style. Like Disney decorated but still, nasty porta potties. I stood in line behind some middle eastern man. I remember waiting for a long time, then when it was finally my turn walked in and realized there was no toilet. No, it was just a freaking hole in the ground, like when you take out a toilet from the bathroom and there's that hole where the pipe is. I walked away, and walked into this sort office where a young receptionist asked what I was there for. I said, "Do you guys have a bathroom in here? I really have to go and the porta potties are gross.." He said that there was a special celebrity bathroom around the corner. I walk around the corner and walk into this tiny, plain bathroom. I went, and left. I began to think it's going to be funny to tell Katharine that I was in this special celebrity bathroom and how it'd also be a good lie to say that I saw John Travolta in there.

So I came up to Katharine and told her that I saw John Travolta when he was banging on the bathroom door wanting to go when I was in there. Katharine looked skeptical and asked, "Well, where did he go..?" And I'm like.. "I don't know?"

The dream ends.

Alright soo. I think the second part of the dream is pretty obvious, so we'll start there.

Katharine is still in college, but she's probably going to move to LA when she's done. Actually, I think she might be in LA visiting Brian now, or somewhere with him. I know she was going to spend two weeks with him and then wouldn't see him again until Thanksgiving break. Annnnyway. . .

I think the John Travolta thing represents me not having much to say about my life lately when she's doing exciting things because she's enjoying her life at the university+taking trips to LA when I'm still stuck living in Benton City going to CBC. Granted, in the next couple years my life is going to be very exciting too, but I feel like it's just come to us at different times. I don't lie to Katharine, and I haven't lied to her about anything recently about what I've been doing or even really exaggerated on things. But I think that's a pretty accurate representation of what lying about the celebrity meant.

The first part of my dream is a little harder to figure out.

Guy isn't really much on my mind at all lately. I'm happy he's out of my life because I like Japanese stuff again (for some reason, being around him made me overthink my reasoning for liking Japanese culture so much and I temporarily lost interest), and I don't have any anxiety over men. Actually, it's been very nice being single. I don't need any man. Which is why this dream was somewhat odd to me because I really don't miss him. The only time that I DO have dreams about exes or guys that I've been with is when I miss them. Maybe I just miss the sex part.

OH!! I get it now! Okay, so.. he was saying to me in the dream that he needed to go to school, but then was willing to skip when we started messing around and I was just fine with that. I think by him just mentioning school in this, it represents that men and sex can potentially distract me from school and what is actually important. It's clear now, even if I wasn't the one asking for a ride to school and then later not caring, I feel that it symbolizes how destructive a relationship with someone that doesn't have the same goals as I do could be in my life right now.

I know why Corey and those other guys showed up in the dream and what it symbolizes. Guilt. Which is a pointless emotion, but it seems that something inside me is guilty about guys that I've dated. Nothing I can do about it now, though.

And lastly, the Trista thing. Note, I don't know Trista at all, and I don't particularily find her appealing in that sense. I just think she showed up in the dream because something in my mind seems to be thinking about sexuality and if I'm bi or if I'm not. I think that the more shitty relationships and how many times I've been fucked over by men, the more likely I feel it is that I'd be willing to try the other direction. But I know that deep down, I only like men in feeling whole.

There's only one girl that I can think of that I'd love to be with and wouldn't feel like anything was missing if I was with her. And it's impossible that we'd ever get together. I had this realization about her the other day, and maybe that's what's making my subconcious think about this. But it's one girl. There's tons of guys that i've been attracted too, and only one girl. I don't think that makes me bi. Metaphorically, it's like... a bunch of cells of the same kind and one mutation.

That's my dream. damn, I'm getting hungry. There's milk in the house now so I can make cereal, yayy.

yours,

Emily

Goals for Today:

-Get Samantha the katana that it sitting out in the hallway. I need to get rid of it.

-Listen to the vocab that I said on the voice recorder over and over again. Something tells me this will be a good way to learn because it's worked before.



-Study Japanese for an hour (yesterday I studied for two!)

-Do pilates.

-Keep myself busy because I have no money. Maybe make a youtube video?

Countdown begins! April 1st!!

Well, the last few days it has been pretty successful in what it's supposed to do. I've yet to get the side effects that I experienced before, and I'm feeling energized, relaxed and productive throughout the day. Today hasn't been very productive because I just woke up like an hour ago but I need to set goals for what I'm gonna do today. I'm not GOING anywhere because I've been going, going, going like crazy.

So, I'm looking at the amount of days I have left here. Winter quarter, the last quarter that I'm going to be at CBC, ends March 3. Then spring break, then I should be up at Western by April 4th-- or at least that's probably around when my classes are going to start. So, assuming that I won't be moving up there the day that classes start, lets say the countdown day is APRIL 1ST.

APRIL 1ST, THE DAY I AM OUT OF THE TRI-CITIES

Western is BEAUTIFUL, it reminds me of Hogwarts. I just hope I will be accepted into their Japanese program and get the opportunity to study abroad. I just have to keep studying very hard and getting 4.0's.

That's 207 days. I'm always doing these count things but this is an important count. That countdown thing should automatically publish to my wall, but I'll keep track on my blog too.

There's going to be a long road ahead, but I feel ready for it. I've done really well in school so far, there's no reason why I can't continue to do well. It's not really school that I'm concerned about as much as I am about money. Once I get these jobs I need to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE. I'm going to put away 50% of every paycheck in a savings account that I can't access until I move out. Hopefully this will be enough. 207 is a significant amount of paydays, I'd think, to create a bit of a nest egg.

I'm so freaking excited.

But it's gonna be a lot of work. That's why I have to make each of these 207 days count, be productive, study, stay fit, stay healthy, and stop fretting the small shit. And stay away from men (unless of course they're my good friends)... that too. I need to stay focussed and I don't want any stupid drama or getting hurt again.



Goals for today:

-Begin the application for Western

-Clean up my room a bit, make my bed, get some stuff out of those boxes and find places for them, figure out some more stuff that I'm going to get rid of.

-30 minutes of pilates.

-45 minutes DDR.

-Eat pescatarian diet. i'm going to try it today and see how I feel at the end of the day. I literally had potatos for breakfast...

-Study Japanese for two hours (I've been pretty good about this lately.. but I need the desk back in my room before I can do this)

-Help mom by cleaning up house a bit, do the dishes.

yours,

Emily

The past three times i've tried to make a blog entry, it cancels because this site logs me out and then I can't post the entry. It's funny, right now I am quite cross faded. This isn't a good time to be writing a blog. though it's funny, my punctuation and spelling isn't got awful like when some people try to write when they've got alcohol in their system. Katelynn is here, and she wanted to stay up all night because she has a night shift coming. Unfortunately we were unable to do so because we both got really sleepy. probably from the alcohol itself.

God, I really gotta start studying my japanese more. Tomorrow.. well, today, technically, we're down to business. no more partying. I'm gonna see this morning, I'm gonna be miserable because i'll be puking and I will be thinking, God damn I'm not doing this again. But.. I do, just not on a frequent basis. I couldn't imagine being out and about right now. You know? I'm a little nervous about getting drunk at parties and stuff because what if I make a complete ass of myself. That's something to look forward too. I'm so stoked for bellingham, so freakin stoked I think about it every damn day.

The thought of the next couple years of my life excites me. i'm going to be so free, able to do whatever I want. It's like imagining flying away here. Free to make my own choices, 100%. It's a strange and slightly scary thought though. I've never experienced that kind of freedom before. What if I go mad.

yours,

Emily

Crankiness because I quit smoking.

I think I'd rather die young than life my entire life miserable.
I have to make a change in my thought process and somehow teach myself to enjoy things, but I don't know how because I've been miserable for so long.

Ever since I've decided to completely stop smoking pot I've been cranky all the time. I've tried to be nicer, friendlier, be possitive, whatever... but it always falls back into me being a complete bitch. I feel like when I TRY to be nice it's fake unless I'm with someone I actually like, which doesn't seem to be many people. This morning I freaked out on my parents for something they were entirely right on, and screamed at my mom that I was surprised she hasn't gotten fired yet because she gossips around the entire school. This struck a nerve apparently, and she threatened to kick my ass. lmfao!! Like my mom could kick my ass. I left to my job interview in Burbank feeling very violent and pissed off. Seriously, if someone gave me a bad look I would of punched them in the face today. Well, maybe THAT'S all talk because I desperately need a job and some income but yeah, I was pissed, and if my mom would of struck me first, I would of probably went on a rampage.

I've got to change this... I wish Wellbutrin had worked, terribly. This NOT being on anti-depressents thing isn't working very well for me. I feel pretty empty without it. But I'm scared to get on any new drugs because of weight gain. My anger and anxiety go hand and hand, prodominantly because of my own insecurities. It's sad,because I feel like when I'm an adult and look back on my teenage years I'm going to think of how miserable it was and why I couldn't just be happy. I hope that someday I'll be happy.

It's funny because sometimes I look back on my childhood and see the same thing. I see a very miserable, self hating child that never could relax or have fun. Granted, I still can't relax. And when I do have fun or enjoy my time it's very short lived and I get miserable again. I think lately it's been very bad because I've been at home, feeling slightly worthless. Today I went to my job interview and she said that she'd get ahold of me in a week. Rite Aid still hasn't gotten my background check. This means that I'm going to be broke for another week. I hate being broke so much, it's a nightmare for me.

I think, once again, I'm going to look at what makes me happy as of now.

Things that make me happy lately: 

1. Money, obviously. Money can buy clothes, makeup, sushi, healthy food; all the stuff I like and need to buy myself.

2. Being skinny. I've been putting on weight lately even though I've been exercising more than I ever have. I've been walking 2-3 miles a day if possible whenever i'm with friends, doing DDR, AND pilates. If I continue to exercise an hour or so a day and watch what I eat every day, I don't get too worried about it. Because my mom got rid of the scale in the bathroom, I've been more stressed out about it than ever.  i'm going to buy a new scale.

3. Getting better at Japanese. I still love learning the language and it's like a healthy outlet for me. It makes me feel accomplished getting better at it. So, I should study 2 hours a day until school starts. And an hour a day once school does start.

4. Getting better at the guitar. I actually HAVE gotten better since I've started playing almost every day. It's just hard to maintain the momentum. I'll keep trying an hour a day.

5. Not getting acne. I get it pretty bad at times. Mostly from lack of sleep. I need to start going to bed at about 10:30 pm instead of 2 am every night...

6. Not being home. Of course it's not possible to not be at home all the time until I move out, I've found that I get more angry when I'm around my parents and sister, and even if I'm in a great mood it can turn to anger around them almost immediately. That being said, even when I am home I need to stay away from my parents and sister as much as possible and try to do housework so that they leave me alone and have no reason to bother me.

woo. I gotta go, I'm gonna clean.

Yours,

emily

My promiss to God. and all these preggo people.

I told God when I was sitting in the parking lot after getting my drug test in the hot heat that I would not smoke pot again if I got this job.

Well great news, I GOT THE JOB! Bad news now though, is I have to keep this promiss. What I said is what I said though, and now I sort of feel like something very unfortunate will happen if I do smoke pot again. Pot is how I used to celebrate, usually with one of my good friends. Can't do that now, though, but what's done is done. I feel like in a sense I've been blessed that the THC wasn't in my pee. Did it have anything to do with God? I don't know. Did it have anything to do with me drinking four big bottles of water and peeing my brains out prior to taking the test? Maybe. From Black Mask? MAYBE, but probably not. We'll never know, but I'm still thrilled as Hell that I got the job.

However.... I'm nervous about one thing. It's slightly in my mom's hands right now. They haven't gotten the background check so they are going to check later this afternoon to see they recieved it. Because my cell phone is shut off because of the bill, they're going to call my mom's phone. I told my dad this to put pressure on my mom to pay it, even though she wanted to hold off to put a downpayment on Avery's car. Well, that'll have to wait a few days for my mom's travel reemburcements (I can't spell that, sound it out) to come in and pay my bill today. Reason being I HAVE to have it. When the Nuveou day spa probably called me after my interview with their decision about hiring me or not, they called my mom's phone and guess what-- she didn't ever answer and never checks her voicemail!! That is why I told my dad. I don't trust her with this responsibility. I basically begged her to keep her phone on her today. A lot rides on this. I fucking HATE that my phone turns off first.

There's a lot of pregnent people right now.

Just off the top of my head from the people I know, there's Katie Harrington, Courtney Cagle, Amanda Searles, Amber Lee, Kim Summers, Kami Strunk, Mellisa Gilliland, and Amber James. That to me is CRAZY. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with pregnancy if you are ready to drink the baby into the world. Most of the girls that I listed, if not all, are in very stable relationships.

Regardless, I could not see myself having a baby at this point in my life. I look around my room, it's a mess. I've barely gotten a job-- which isn't a for sure thing. I am studying Japanese every day for a couple hours and like to play the guitar an hour a day. I like spending lots of time fiddle fucking around on facebook. I can barely cook for myself; for breakfast I'm probably going to have a microwave burrito. I was up until 2 am last night messing around with my Android. ...NOT ready for a baby yet. My life revolves around my own hobbies and interests. My life, right now, is 100% for me. I have no relationship or ties with anyone that dictates my decisions, aside from my parents who have a say in things and provide financial support.

My interest in japanese culture and language is back. I'm still planning to go to Japan. Can't do that with a baby. Granted, I'd still like to have one (more than likely adopted) by the time I'm 26 or so. But that gives me time to get to know myself better before my life becomes enveloped in the needs of someone else. For some young women around my age though, the child itself and starting a family is what makes them completely satisfied with their lives, and they've already gotten to know themselves and are ready to be a parent. Not. Me.

anyway, better get started with my day

yours,

emily