Happy Birthday to me.

Hey yall.

Haven't written in ages because I've been really busy with work. Lately I've been working for like, eight or nine hours every day and going to school. I've also been hanging out with some new friends on my off time, so I haven't really been online. It's 11:26-- so it's almost my birthday! It was Katelynn's birthday today, but because I worked all day I didn't even get a chance to wish her a happy birthday until about 20 minutes ago.

I feel sick, I've had a bad cough and a sore throat all day. The sudafed helped some this morning, but by the end of the night I was like.. shit, I'm coughing all over. My voice was horse and raspy. Right now I'm drinking a very light beer that feels great on my throat. Tonight I'm gonna sleep good, so I'm probably going to write until my computer dies and go to bed.

I spend all day on my feet but I need to still watch what I eat because I'm not getting a chance to work out. I'm gonna still try to do pilates whenever I can. I also need to watch-- FOR SURE-- most importantly, how much I study. I haven't had much time lately at all. Tomorrow I need to wake up early and get a few hours of study in, if at all possible. Just work on my math... I'm already falling behind and it sucks. I'm not used to this hecticness, and at 2 weeks in I feel pretty overwhelmed. I'm looking forward to my first real paycheck, and now that I'm getting used to my job it'll get much, much easier.

Check out this picture that Gisselle posted under her "oldies" folder. I tagged myself once I realized I was in it. This was from my sophomore year, which I'm pretty sure was the most awkward, miserable year of my life other than 7th. It was miserable. That was back when lovely Kandyce Alley hated me and went out of her way to make my life a living hell after I pissed her off at the Warped Tour concert. Lovely!

But don't get me wrong, Kandyce isn't even half the reason why that year sucked. Nope, there's TONS more shit that I could go on about. There was a lot of reasons.

-Being in a fight with Katharine,
-Feeling alone,
-Being in a grudge with Haley,
-My awful tennis season of getting destroyed.
-Talking to Jack who ended up calling me for dating advice with rich, beautiful Alice from freakin' Milan. How the fuck could I have competed with that?

-After the Chino relationship, Chino STILL being involved with my life and talking about me all over the place.

-Hardly getting any playing time during soccer season and getting depressed about it.

..The list goes on. Fucking horrible year. That picture literally makes me sick just looking at it. Most of the people that made my life miserable at Ki-Be can rot in hell. Sometimes, it makes me sad looking at pictures like this because though I wouldn't relive highschool again for a million dollars (having accomplished as much as I did with sports, there's no way), I just wish I could of had more friends, went to parties, did things that most highschool kids got to do but didn't because I was pretty much completely alone until my junior year, when I started hanging out with Robert, Skyler, Dylan (somtimes), Logan, and Tyler. My senior year I didn't really give a shit about people because I was going to cbc and trying to get my last hurrah with sports. Didn't actually spend much time at the highschool though.

By the way, figured out what System of a Down lyrics I'm getting as a tattoo..

Dreams are made winding, through my head. Through my head.

It's from the song Spiders. Not actually one of my favorite songs by them, but it's very significant. My entire life, I've over thought things. I'm very much... in my head. There's not a minute that goes by that I'm not thinking of something. It's driven me to the point of practically-- insanity. So I think that's a good tattoo to get. System of a Down itself is the first rock band I ever got into, and continues to be my favorite band to this day. And speaking of highschool, they helped me SURVIVE it. I really got into them my sophomore year when Robert burned me the CDs. I remember listening to them when I was depressed about Chad not liking me as much as I liked him, listening to them to get pumped before games, blaring it in my car, etc... I was actually really into Coheed and Cambria BEFORE learning all of System's stuff, SOAD DID start my love of rock music.

I remember it so clearly. I was in the 7th grade, sitting in the backseat of the old Ford Taurus. We were listening to the same bullshit music on 98.3-- and at that point in my life I thought rap music was the shit, even though I never actually related to any of it. Hypnotise just HAPPENED to come on, and when I heard that beginning guitar line I was immediately in love. Though I'd heard it before, I hadn't realized how much I'd loved it until then. At the time I had a really shitty little mp3 player and downloaded, well, one of the shittier songs by them; though some might not agree, Prison Song. I listened to that in class and realized that I didn't like it much, and sort of forgot about it for awhile. The next year, at a school dance in the 8th grade, the song BYOB came on during a dance, and me and Whitney Diaz were jumping up and down having a freakin blast when a lot of people were sitting on the side because they didn't like the song, but I sure as hell realized that I loved rock, and from that point on I put rap aside. I listen to hip hop on occasion, but very rarely. I can't stand most of it, and probably couldn't stand most of it back then too. I practically lived with just the bullshit on the radio until I was 13.

I guess this is why System is so important to me. Because without them, I really wouldn't of ever gotten into metal, which would of changed my life entirely. I probably would of never had a healthy outlet with my anger problems. Metal music has helped me with that for years because when I'm enraged, it helps me feel not as alone I guess. Maybe I would of started cutting or something as an outlet instead. If I would of never gotten into System, I probably never would of connected with Robert Mosley on anything either. Then I wouldn't have a lot of the great memories I have with him, or any of my other metal head friends. Rock music connected me and Katelynn, too. Without rock, all we would of had as a common interest was anime, and since we both burnt out on that our love of Coheed and Cambria held us together. Never would of gotten into Coheed if I hadn't of been watching Fuse one day (which, that hour was all rock. See how this is all coming together?)

Ha, it's almost 12:30 AM. First half hour of my damn birthday. I can't believe it, I'm no longer a teenager. I can now tell people that I'm TWENTY years old. Granted, it's not drinking age yet, but that's still very scary to me. It's the end of innocence. Yet, I know that great things are ahead. It's time to stop living my life so miserably. Because I realized that literally I've been living the last 20 years of my life unsatisfied and pretty much miserable. You only live once, which with this lovely phobia I had with Wellbutrin I really began to realize, and I want to live my life to the fullest. There's no use being miserable and feeling unfulfilled even if I'm doing all that I can to reach my huge, long term goals.

So I might as well talk a little more about my day. Tonight it was pretty much just me and Linda, and we weren't very busy. I guess a bit busier because of the home game at Hanford, but for the most part, even if our parking lot was completely full, it was slow. I've got that stupid register down, aside from the loopholes in making returns. I've also learned where the cigarettes are located, what 100's are versus shorts, that most people like Paul Maul reds versus the other colors, that most people like Marlboro lights, that Pyramids are cheaper, and only young people around my age get Camel 99's. I've also learned how to deal with tax exempts, and I'm dealing with coupons quick and efficiently. From doing frieght I've also learned about the store's layout, and now can help customers more effectively as well. This is a good success for me because now that work has gotten easier, I don't DREAD going there. I feel more confident, and when work is easier, so will being able to focus more on school.

Linda is cool though, and really helpful. I enjoy working with her more than my other supervisors for the most part. I get very nervous of offending Claudia or her daughter Tammy. Don't get me wrong, they're both very nice and helpful as well, but I feel like when I'm around them I'm on eggshells because I don't want to accidently curse or say something stupid. I'm happy, my cursing has gone down a lot since I started working. I still cuss like a sailor at home, but at work I very rarely do.

I'm gonna go to bed now, sayonara.

yours,

Emily