When your first crush gets married..

Talk about a weird feeling. .

I mean it's not like I didnt expect it because he's Mormon. It seems like all the Mormons I graduated with are getting married recently; which is cool, I am I guess you could say "in love with love." I love the idea of a "happily ever after."

It's just when I got an invitation to his wedding something hit me. Not jealousy nessasarily because I haven't talked to him in years. It was something different. A weird combination of sadness, happiness, nostalgia and enlightenment is the best way I can describe it. 

I'm happy he's happy but seeing the picture of him and his fiance in loving embrace made me feel envious and sad for some reason. Like why haven't I felt that, I want to feel the sense that who I'm with is right for me.. both emotionally and physically. For years I wanted him more than anything but because he's LDS knew it was impossible and by the time I hit highschool gave up and forgot about it. I guess the rush of emotions seeing that made me tell my mom while we were watching some crime documentary. .

"Yea.. I don't think I can make that...."

And she responded "yea, Mormon weddings can be long. I'll make them a pillow as a gift." And that was the last we talked about it. And this is the last i'll talk about it on this blog.

Im happy for those people that are truly happy at my age. Really I am. I'll just keep praying its on my own road someday.

Peace.