I know that I've been taking it out on my family lately and it's only making things worse. I just want these bad thoughts out of my head, so I've been turning to smoking a lot of weed to make it go away. But it's not working, it's so temporary, and they just come back in the morning and oftentimes I feel worse about myself. I'm done with turning to substances to make myself feel better, and need to find something more constructive.
As the weather gets warmer I will begin running every day. I started doing that a couple weeks ago, but because the weather was so cold it didn't allow me to run very far without my lungs feeling like they were frozen. I need to find another hobby, or turn to one of my earlier hobbies to help me get my mind off of things. Maybe I'll pick up the guitar again. Hopefully, my computer will stay... alive, long enough that I can use it until I get a new computer. Who knows when that will be.
My mom says that my attitude lately depresses her, and oftentimes she'll try to talk to me and I'll reply with one word responses so I can avoid telling her anything that might make her irritated. Then after she continues to badger me, I end up slipping and saying something awful and she graons and goes "Emily STOP."
I need to find out what the root of this depression is. Katelynn, along with a few others, seem to really care and have been asking what's wrong but I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. The truth is, it's a number of things that have kind of piled on top of eachother the past few weeks. Luckily, it's not related to school directly, so my grades continue to be good even if I'm deeply bothered.
Here are the things that are making me depressed, if I can name them...
1. I don't have a job, and my sister does. This is really fucking annoying. Especially when she comes in flaunting her paycheck and talking about what she got in tips while I'm continually bothering my parents for money so I can get back and forth to school. Most other people, even complete morons, tend to have jobs. Why the fuck do I not have one? And I AM trying too. I've applied to... 5 different places since I quit Sweet Treat because of that horrendous bitch was intolerable. Have I gotten a call back? No.
2. I feel as though I'm living in filth. My room and my car are a fucking pit, but because of depression it's hard to get the ambition to clean them. Now that I have time this weekend I will start cleaning them, and hopefully it will make me feel a little bit better. There is just too much shit in my room. There's dust everywhere from insense. There's too much clothes. There's PAPERS. fucking PAPERS EVERYWHERE.
3. I'm lonely. Honestly this is one that is hard for me to admit because I DO have friends that I hang out with frequently and I really care about them. But when it seems like all of your friends are either in a relationship with someone they are madly in love and satisfied with, it makes you feel lonely. And it's so much fucking worse when they're blantant and braggy about it.
4. I'm broke. Which leads to me sitting here, alone, doing nothing because I have no money to do anything if I wanted too.
4. I'm broke. Which leads to me sitting here, alone, doing nothing because I have no money to do anything if I wanted too.
5. I no longer want to go to Japan. Which makes me feel like this whole learning japanese thing has been pointless. The reason for this is after working for an Asian I realized how nearly impossible it is to impress them because they think white people are lazy and stupid. So that definately doesn't make me want to go to Japan anymore. Plus my mom just loves to rub in my face how some english teacher over there disappeared because she's essentially saying, "see, that could of been YOU." Thanks Mom.
I honestly don't want people's sympathy, or even anyone to take notice in this. I write here because it makes me feel like I'm talking to-- well, myself. It helps me understand why I feel the way I do. Putting things in writing is just something that helps me. It is not a cry for help, attention, or for people's sympathy. A lot of people that have never gone through depression don't understand how serious it is, and think that people should just quit being whiny and should just "Stop", like my mom says.
So I need to find a solution. I need a hobby. Wow, and looking around my room makes me realize how many hobbies have came and left. Claymation, drawing, guitar, bass.. so many things that i've turned to when I'm depressed like this and then pushed aside again. But it worked. So i'm going to go back to playing guitar again. Hopefully it'll help clear my head and distract me from how I'm feeling lately.
yours,
emily
I absolutely wouldn't want to go through being your age again for any amount of money. It's not an easy time. Depression makes it much harder. I speak from experience. It will get better. Really. That's not me just trying to say something nice. It really will get better.
ReplyDeleteDon't beat yourself up about the job thing. A lot of people are having trouble finding work right now, even people with loads of experience. You are not alone. When it comes to rejection (something that artists get to know well), I like to think of the author Theodore Geisel--his first Dr. Seuss book was turned down by something like 30 publishers before one would even consider it. It's commendable that you're keeping out there and putting in the applications--that's a really hard thing to do when you're depressed. I'm impressed.
As for Japan, it would make me feel down if one cranky uptight person turned you against all of Asia. Impossible bosses come in all nationalities. It would be awful if this bad experience led you to believe some kind of bad stereotype. Japan is awesome. Everyone I've known who's gone there--whether as a quick trip, as I did, or for a job or school--has fallen in love with the place. You'll never meet nicer people. Seriously. As for the teacher disappearing, we a bit closer to the coast here in the Pacific Northwest live in the Cascadia Subduction Zone. We could have a similar earthquake any day. Crap can happen anywhere. A close friend of mine is currently teaching in northern Japan as part of an American-Japanese cultural exchange program. She's in the prefecture just to the west of the epicenter. They came through it ok. She has no plans to quit. That's not to underestimate what's happening there now--it is very bad in some places. But not even in Japan do 9.0 earthquakes happen all the time.
Smart and creative people like you try lots of different hobbies and things. Talk about a stereotype--artists and depression! But I think there's some truth in that. I think you'll find that there will be a thread that connects your interests as the years go on--things will get put aside, and then reemerge in different forms years later in unexpected ways. It all comes together. This is something that has definitely happened for me. It's something that surprises me at times.
I hope I don't sound like a boring old person. I really do feel for what you're going through.