Almost all men are horrible people and I wish I was gay.

The only thing that men my age want is ass. That's it. Yes, there are some girls that somehow are lucky enough to find good boyfriends, yet I seem to have the most atrocious luck EVER. I need to get the fuck out of Benton City. I'm going to BEG my mom to start up at Central in the Fall. I'm just so done with this stupid place. I feel so alone.

Something happened. Something that really makes me want to just crawl in a hole and die. I'm not going to post it here, but all I can say is it was, once again, a reality check. My taste has once again led me to being hurt and fucked over.

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not attracted to any guys that my parents seem to classify as "normal", mainly because I always think I would never have a chance with them anyways. So obviously, this is part of my self esteem issue as well. So then I settle for this guys that aren't doing anything with their lives, or players that I THINK are actually something better than they are, and get fucked over. Again and again and again and again. I refuse to be someone's booty call, and I refuse to be with someone I'm not physically attracted too.

So what the fuck am I going to do. I'm going to continue to stay single, until I get out of here once and for all. I fucking hate benton city. I don't even understand why we live here anymore because of this farm situation. My dad lives in benton city to be closer to his family and be close to the farm. Well gee, after all this has happened with the family issues, there's really NO REASON AT ALL that we live here in the first place.

Someday, I hope everything that is happening now will be entirely insignificant. It must be.

I'm tired of being depressed.
I'm tired of being fucked over.
I'm tired of Benton City, and all this booty call garbage going on at CBC.
I'm tired of being unlucky.
I'm tired of feeling alone.
And worst of all, I'm really fucking tired of wanting to hurt myself.

yours
Emily

One step closer to getting out of this town.

Today I got my grades and I am more then satisfied with the results.

3.9 in Technical Writing
4.0 in Japanese

Yep, I only took two classes this quarter so I had no excuse to not get the best grades possible. My overall cumulative is now a 3.58. I am STILL making up for Mathesius. I got a 2.5 in his class, the lowest grade I've gotten at CBC, and I'm continuing to pay for it.

This next quarter I have my first math class, and if I play my cards right this will be the only one I'll have to take. My schedule is:

Japanese III, 9:10-10:10

Intermediate Algebra: 12:40-1:40 PM

Jogging: Online

Drugs and Health: Online

I'm going to use that extra time between Japanese and algebra to get homework done, study, and do work for my online classes. I'm hoping that if I get really good grades this next quarter I can get up to a 3.65. Though math is my worst subject, I HAVE to pass it in order to get my AA. This summer I'm going to take an accounting class because my parents want to see if I'd like it, but in order to do so I have to pass a math class. I doubt I'll like it, sounds like a pretty dry and boring subject.

Today I'm going to start doing e-bay for my dad as soon as he gets home. I also gotta do the dishes and clean up so I don't get bitched at. Thus far, Wellbutrin has not helped much with motivation, but I guess it takes time because it's slow release, and it's not speed. I'm very satisfied to not be on Paxil now, and feel like that alone is making me an overall happier person.

Today is going to be worth something though. I'm tired of worthless days. I'm going too:

-Fill out another job application (no call back from Lets Party yet and it's making me mad...). I think I'll fill out one for Staples today.

-Finish drawing my picture.

-Do the dishes.

-Start a couple e-bay auctions.

-NOT sleep.  I'm so fucking tired of my days being wasted by sleeping all day because I have zero motivation to do anything.

-Make a youtube video.

-Play guitar.

-Clear so my mom doesn't bitch at me.

yours,

Emily

Why I Run.

I run to keep in shape.

I run to make bad thoughts go away.

I run to get an adrenaline rush. 

I run because it makes me feel like I did something that day.

I run to burn off the junk food I inevitably ate.

I run to give my family a break.

I run because I want to be thinner.

I run to feel better about myself.

I run to see if I can run as long as I used to be able too in highschool.

No, I can't, haha.

I run to avoid hurting myself.

I run because it feels good.

I run because I like being outside.

I run for the sake of running.

This is for anyone who has seen me running on the path in town wondering WHY ANYONE would possibly do that.  

That's all I have to say.

yours,

Emily  

私のパーティー!

I am very happy to say that my first party ever was a complete success.

Before the party...

The day started out not exactly how I'd planned. I went to the doctor and he told me that he doesn't think I have ADHD but have bad depression and it makes it so I'm not motivated to do anything. I understand what he means, I think that's what it is too. He told me that adderol gives very rapid release and DOES make people feel good, but it's temporary, and coming down from it can cause even more depression. Plus, the other side effects that nobody had mentioned to me before. IT AGES YOUR SKIN AND MAKES YOU LOOK GROSS. Yes, if you take adderol for an extended period of time, it makes you age quickly.

Adderol might of been good for a couple days, but I felt a little bit zombiefied and didn't feel like myself and felt that a lot of things in my personality that make me-- ME, weren't present when I was on the drug. Also, not getting any sleep sucked. Still, I'm going to miss not wanting food. I would of lost a lot of weight. But, do I really want to look like a strung out crack whore? Not really. I can lose weight with control. But with all the junk food sitting around here, I need to stay out of the kitchen haha.

The doctor, who knows me pretty well, is going to perscribe me to something he chooses based on what I've told him in order to get off of paxil once and for all. Yatta!

Enough about drugs.

Me and Katelynn cleaned and cooked and made my house look really good before the party started. I love how clean the house is now, yes-- the day after. By looking at my house nobody would think there were 20 people here last night. Everyone was really respectful to my house. Katelynn really was a humongous help though, I don't know what I would of done without her.

Before we were completely done getting ready, we picked up Jodi and Jon. Jon was really nice to set up the PS3 so that there could be Call of Duty going on upstairs. Katelynn had made some pasta salad, so we had a ton of chips, dip, pasta salad, soda, and california rolls. I had to do a ton of random things like empty out the 1950's Coleman cooler of... random pipes and crap, clean it out, put ice in it, then the soda. Katelynn did a lot of the decorating while I was making the Cali rolls.

I asked Josh Harshman to come next. He's a really good friend of mine and was the only person from the highschool who came. He helped me a bit and hung out with Jodi and Jon for the most part. He fell asleep on the couch and it was funny, but nobody really cared much, haha. He's supported me so much that he can sleep anywhere he wants, I didn't mind.

The next people to come were Sarah M., her brother and Ashleigh. Ashleigh was wearing a blanket on her head, as if it was a disguise or something. It was pretty... awkward, but I tried to make Ashleigh feel welcome regardless. The brought gumdrop candies. Sarah wanted her to come so she'd have someone to talk too, but Sarah ended up really warming up to everyone and played Just Dance 2. Just Dance totally made the party-- everyone loved it. This was at about 7:30 pm-ish, the party was planned to start at 8'.

Kyle W. came next. He brought a couple Wii remotes and totally saved the day because it enabled everyone to play at once on the big downstairs projector. That thing has really come in handy because it makes a huge screen, and I'm so glad my mom set it up. Kyle brought a lot of pop and sunchips. I was already pretty happy with the turn out at this point.

At about 8' pm until about 10' pm lots of people started to show up. Chris S. and his girlfriend brought this huge chinese food platter from Yokes and everyone LOVED it. I was so happy that he did, too. For some reason, Chris's eyes were super red, and I noticed that everyone's eyes were red for some reason... I have yet to figure out what that was from.

The rush of people that showed up around 8:30-8:45...

Manuel A. showed up shortly after them, then the fangirls-- Jenee, Ashley, Betsy, Caitlin, and Alex. Taylor and Sean came too and played Just Dance like CHAMPS. I have a video of it in my camera... Then Jon Stewart came too. Erin and her boyfriend Jeff H. showed up and hung out with Ashleigh prodominantly. My friend Andrew from Symbolic Logic came, and so did Andrew Crawford later that night. Leah and Michael brought coffee brownies which made people WIRED. Then Kia and a couple second year students that I haven't met before. They were pretty cool, I think they were some of Benny's friends.

So that was the group! After all this talk of DJs, and all these people invited that I didn't know, it ended up just being a big nerd party-- just the way I like it. :) It was a blast and I'm pretty sure everyone had fun too. This is the downstairs where we all hung out for the most part playing Just Dance and Rockband, though at the beginning kept on messing up which was making me so irritated.

I didn't take enough pictures at this party, but I'll post the ones I did take. Here's me and Sean. I was really happy he made it, too. I have the funniest video of him and Taylor dancing, it was amazing. He knew how to work a wii, too... I am such a Wii fail.

These guys only showed up for a little while. The guy in the middle got bitched out by my dad because he poured gasoline on the fire outside when they wanted to light the bonfire. I thought it was too bloody cold outside, but since it was set up they might as well. I joked with them saying "Hey you guys want to light it up just throw some gasoline on there." This was obvious sarcasm though, I didn't expect him to actually do it. He did, and... it was a pretty epic fire when it started. My dad was a little freaked out  but the fire was so far from the house it wouldn't of caused any problems anyway.

Short lived fire, but I was laughing my ass off so hard when the guy actually put gasoline on the fire. Kia is really sweet and I wish she could of stuck around longer. She had work in the morning though.

Yes this photo has a border on it for effect, haha.

I was really happy to see how much Jon came out of his shell last night. He's usually really quiet but he was dancing and singing in Rockband and everything. It was really legit.

OH! Funny shit.

My sister, Bean and Sheen came downstairs to "witness" the party, and when she saw everyone playing Just Dance she wanted to play a song. Bean and Avery came in and... well, pretty much played like experts doing a choreographed dance. I have never seen everyone go from so talkative and having a good time to... complete silence. My sister and her friends totally momentarily crashed my party, haha. It just shows how all of us have the same feelings about cheerleaders and the typical highschool preps. We ALL went through feeling out of place when surrounded by people like them, and it was just blatantly obvious when they came in the room.

NOBODY likes it when one person comes in that is way better at a game than everyone else and makes everyone feel awkward.

Me and Katelynn had a little tilapia last night which made the Ashleigh thing a bit more bearable. I had to really bite my tounge when I heard that she was talking about the Ieyasu thing AGAIN when she was sitting upstairs with Erin. I noticed that when I came inside, her and Erin gave me a very, VERY dirty look. I would of probably said something, but I really wanted everyone to have a good time. Still, GET OVER IT. God, I let you come in my house and you start trying to cause drama. Wasn't going to let it happen.

So overall, SUCCESS. I've gotta go though, have stuff to do today. Gonna run a resume over to lets party and I have to pick up my perscription.

yours

Emily

Nothing in the world I hate more.

Adderal is out of my system now, and I feel like my regular, miserable self again.

It was nice to feel normal for a couple days, though during one of the days I made a huge mistake and now I'm kicking myself over it. But regret is pointless. As the thought of it continually harasses me and buzzes around in my head, I feel that there isn't much that can make me feel lower at this point.

Fortunately, my dad is going to show me how to list things on Ebay this weekend so I'll be making some money at least and will have something to fill my time. Today I had a migrane and slept, a LOT. Couldn't find the motivation to do anything. I had a doctors appointment and explained my circumstances with the help of my mom, and she gave me a survey to fill out. She's going to grade the survey and hopefully I'll have my prescription for Adderal by Friday. I hate that I'm potentially going to be diagnosed with another mental disability.

But then I got to thinking, perhaps ADHD is a huge contributor to my self esteem itself. I am never satisfied with anything I do, which is a symptom of ADHD. Then the fact that my mind always seems cluttered by useless, irreverent bullshit that either makes me feel down on myself or humiliated. This is what I'm feeling now, and writing about it might make things a bit better.

My aunt Ellen made me feel a lot better about this with a comment that she recently made to me on an entry I made last week.

"I absolutely wouldn't want to go through being your age again for any amount of money. It's not an easy time. Depression makes it much harder. I speak from experience. It will get better. Really. That's not me just trying to say something nice. It really will get better."

She wrote a lot more but this immediately made me feel better tonight. Though it's not anything different then say, my mom has said, she has actually been through what I'm going through. People that have never been through depression do not understand how difficult it is to overcome. Things ARE turning around though. I've decided this, and I think that is the first step-- to DECIDE that things are going to get better.

Because the way that I look at it, this is MY life, and what matters is ME because that is all that matters in the end. I should stop obsessing on things that have happened before because more then likely I am the only one that remembers them, as they play over and over in my head like a broken record.  I'm not saying that I need to be vain, but I need to feel content with what I have and what is happening currently in my life instead of dwelling on the past or worrying TOO much about the future. Because it seems like at every stage of my life so far, I've been miserable and telling myself that things will get better at other times.. In middle school I always told myself things would get better in highschool, and they did, but I was still unhappy. Then I said college would be better, and now at CBC things ARE MUCH better than highschool. So why am I still feeling this monthly depression?

This is why I take medication.

Because really, taking a look at my background and my past, this is never going to get any better without help. I have a chemical imbalance. It's a disease. I'm sitting here, ranting to this blog again. Rantrantrant. Fuck. I am so tired of this. 

My sister is being a whiny little shit about her car, or lack of one. Whah whah Emily got a car before she got her license, oh whah I have to save money! Whah I have a bunch of cute guys that are constantly coming over and telling me how great I am, whah! Whahhhh I have a ton of friends and I'm popular, whah!

She has a job that she lucked out in getting because my mom handed it to her. So she has to save for her first car, and so she's bitching to my parents about it continually and making everyone on eggshells. Because of this, my mom has been letting Avery use my van and she's been using my car, which means I'm stuck in my house until one of them gets home. Sometimes my mom doesn't get home until 6', and my sister is always going someplace too. Now my DAD wants to take my car tomorrow. 

Shit my mom needs the computer...

yours,

Emily

 

Adderall.

I need to make this quick because I have an hour and eighteen minutes to write this. My mom's computer is going to die, and because I'm timed I feel a little rushed.

Yesterday was incredible. Fantastic. Amazing. I really can't begin to describe how it felt to finally have a day like this, and I think it contributes to adderall. What happened was, when me and Corey were driving home from school, we started talking about ADHD and how he has it and how it's effected him. He told me that it makes it really hard for him to focus in school, which I can relate too.. Sometimes, when I'm studying my Japanese, I'll write the vocab words over and over and over and while doing so while space off and think of something else, then come back and realize that I hadn't absorbed the word that i'm writing. Anyway, this was just one of many examples that we were running off.

He told me that he takes an ADHD medicine called Adderall that has dramatically improved his life because it has helped his grades, helped him study, and his confidence. I explained to him that I take an anti-depressent called Paxil, and I am currently looking to find another anti-depressent because Paxil does not help me at all anymore. This last week when I was almost chronically depressed, I was still taking Paxil, and I got the feeling that it does not help me at all anymore. He told me that Adderall can work as an anti depressent as well. He offered me one, and I took it. I was convinced. ***note: He did not PUSH it on me, but after talking to me about it and explaining my distaste with Paxil, I thought I'd give it a trial shot. This was all me.***

At first, I felt nothing. We got back to my house and I made us some corn dogs from the freezer, which he apparently likes-- ick. Suddenly, about forty-five minutes after we got home, I felt an incredible wave of calm. All of my negative thoughts suddenly melted. I felt calm, content, NORMAL. We spent most of the rest of the time we spent together talking and watching south park, then we had to go pick up my broken down car out in Kennewick.

After Corey (who is a lifesaver for driving me not only to and from school but out to get my car) left, I laid down for a bit and read for awhile until Katharine came over. Me, my mom, and Katharine all sat around and talked and my mom said she noticed a significant improvement in my attitude. At first I said that this all had to do with the fact that I felt like the weight of finals had been off my shoulders, but then I admitted to them that I had taken Adderall. They said that though I was a lot sweeter, I didn't act out of the ordinary. Katharine said that her brother was taking adderall again for his ADHD and he has lost a sufficient amount of weight and his confidence is up.

Honestly, I don't know if I have or don't have ADHD, and if I started taking Adderall it would be for an anti-depressent and a way to get off of paxil. I've done some research and there are some obvious pros and cons to it:

Pros:
-Today they kicked my depression's ASS. I can't even describe how calmed down and happy I felt. I felt like a ton of weight was off my shoulders.

-It does help you focus. Corey said that it is used as a "study-drug" because people take it to help them study for tests. I get pretty good grades already, but it'd be nice to be able to retain information better without having to cram so hard with little success because of the amount of distractions.

-If it's as good as it seems, could dramatically improve my life overall.

Cons:

-It's 3 f'ing AM and I'm wide awake. I've been awake all day, and yet I can't sleep now. That's a little scary but I think if I got a tolerancy to the drug and took a lower dosage this wouldn't be a problem (the one I took was 25 mg, and I took it in the afternoon).

-Decreased appetite. This is sort of a good thing and a bad thing but I do not crave food at all, yet all I've had to eat all day is two small bowls of cereal. This is very unusual for me.

-Some people on a "Adderall Side Effects" page are saying that while using it, it led to dependence and continually increasing their doseage until they were having hallucinations and such. I think honestly anybody could do this with any drug. I mean, I could of gone to the doctor and asked for higher doses of Paxil when I got depressed.

That's all the information I've discovered on it so far. A lot of the stories on the Adderall reviews page are contradictory, and people keep asking questions if the drug can lead to random side effects like joint pain and hair loss. I don't know, I'm going to talk to my doctor about it. I'd really like to get off of Paxil, especially with Spring break here and all.

yours,

Emily

Crack head moldy tofu smelling computer lab.

Look how cute my baby girl Miranda is. I mean seriously, how can you get more cute than this? My cat is undoubtably the cutest cat in the world and I don't care if anyone disagrees.

I am currently in the computer lab, waiting for Corey to get done with his final so we can go play tennis. I just got done with both of my finals, and now I practically have two weeks off of school. This isn't good because I need a job. My parents do NOT want me at home for two weeks and I don't blame them considering that I wouldn't want to have to deal with me dwelling being stuck at home either.
God it smells really funny in this room, like... how I would imagine moldy tofu, combined with cheap perfume and wet, dirty clothing. There is this one woman who busted into the computer lab when we were taking a final that looks like a crack head (no teeth,  that is sitting a couple seats down from me. I'm putting this in small text to avoid her walking by and seeing. I encourage anyone to go to school, but god something just does not smell clean....

Shit corey's here.

yours,
emily



The type of dream that you're relieved when you wake up.

God, I had an awful dream. I'm gonna write it so I don't forget it and hopefully figure out what it means.

I was babysitting, and took a nap. When I woke up, Maddie and Andrew were gone. I searched the house, yelling out their names, and when I realized they were gone called their parents and they were home immediately. The dream then skipped to a hotel, where there was this kind looking woman who was standing there smiling, saying that the "children were in there..". A policeman openned the door and the woman said that she killed them and cut off their limbs (Note that I had just seen a southpark episode where they had done the same thing).
I immediately took it upon myself, saying that if I hadn't of been sleeping she wouldn't of been able to lure them out of the house somehow. Apparently, she said she'd done it with pizza. It was a horrible feeling, and I was crying all the time. Skipping to the highschool for some reason. This one hispanic gay guy got out of a truck being driven by Troy C.'s Mom. He was this one guy that walks around CBC wearing really flamboyant clothes and has his eyebrows perfectly manicured. Very obviously gay. He comes up to me and we hug, as if we know eachother really well and haven't seen eachother in a long time.
He goes, "Are you a gossip? Suddenly everyone in the school knows that I'm gay and I only told you!"
And I responded, "Well, maybe I told one friend of mine but he lives in Pasco so the news couldn't of spread here.."
He then tells me that Sarah V. knows, and that she said she heard it from me, and told all of her friends. So then I tell him, "You know, I'm had a really horrible day, and don't want to talk about this." Apparently refering to the babysitting situation.
This is where the dream gets really weird. For some reason, at the school I sat down with a bunch of mormon people, all wearing missionary outfits. I told Joe Lloyd, my friend Adam's dad, about what had happened and he counciled me on it. I told him that I cared about these kids more then any other kids I could think of.
The mormons apparently made a decorative... chair covered in psalms that they were going to sell at the school regardless of seperation of church and state. [[this part of the dream makes really no sense to me, but me and Katelynn did see missionaries riding their bikes on our way to Wal mart]].

So that's the dream, I'm going to try to define it.
For the first part of the dream where these kids that I care about get murdered because of my carelessness...

1. A killer in dreams represents the eradication of an important part of your emotional self. You may be at risk of losing who you truly are.

2. Dreams about hotels refer to a new unusual state of mind or a shift in your usual paradigm. I feel that lately, with the sudden lack of interest in Japanese things, I've been more into rock music and have taken up the guitar again. For some reason, the guitar now feels more comfortable, and I can play without getting bored.

3. Dreaming about pizza can suggest a feeling of prevailance over a feeling of deprevation or of something you wish to accomplish.

For a long time I've wanted to go back to playing the guitar, and it felt right to me. Though pizza was only refered to in my dream, it very much makes sense now. Literally i've been staring at that guitar for weeks going, "I should really start playing again sometime.."

So overall, this part of the dream tells me that I'm worried about how much I've been smoking and that I should lay off because it's causing paranoia. It also has made me realize that playing the guitar is a new interest, and is more appealing to me than it's ever been.

Moving on to part 2 of the dream, where I'm at the highschool and get in an arguement.

1. To dream about gossip means you are only doing something that will hinder your progress.

OBVIOUSLY this refers to smoking, being depressed AND my sudden stop in studying japanese. I still want to learn Japanese as a second language, and know that I can do it, so I need to keep studying hard and trying. But I really feel like this is about smoking because it's one thing that will only set me back.

2. Dreaming about homosexual people when you are straight can represent lack of self confidence about the opposite sex.

This definately makes sense considering that I went to the park yesterday and hung out with two couples. Admittedly, this made me very lonely. It was Rachelle and her bf, and samantha and shawn. They are nice people, and made sure to incorporate me into things so I wouldn't feel like the 5th wheel, but it's still pretty awkward.
I do have lack of confidence about the opposite sex. I feel like I'm always the girl that is "okay", but he feels like he could do better. The fact that I oftentimes think I'm unattractive and lower my standards because I feel like any guy that is "normal" wouldn't like me is definately what the random appearance of a homosexual guy that I don't know in person is about.

Moving on to the last weird part about the mormons...

There is no definition for thinking about mormons or missionaries, so I'm going to use cult. I know that word itself has a bad connoctation, but if you look at the definition of cult it fits.

1. To see a cult in your dream can represent that you have yet to arise to spiritual freedom.

This makes a lot of sense for me because I am still very much afraid of death, as well as the idea of the afterlife. I am not convinced that there is an afterlife, nor do I sincerely believe in Jesus Christ or any religion as much as I'd like too.

2. To see a chair in your dream symbolizes you need to sit down and contemplate a situation before proceeding. Or, it can also mean that you need to relax.

I'm not sure in either case on this one. Based on the fact that I've been through depression recently would make sense that I need to relax and take things one step at a time. It's depressing that I don't have a job, but I need to relax and take things one step at a time until I have one.

That's it with the dream. I'm so glad I wrote that down and got it out of my system, though I am still disturbed slightly by it. I know now that I am subconciously disturbed by the amount that I've been smoking lately, and need to cut back on it. I also know that this new interest in the guitar again is a good thing for me and I need to keep playing because it gives me a productive mental escape.

It's morning. I'm sitting in bed, it's almost 10 am. I'm eating haribo speghetti candy from last night. They're sour and yummy, but I'm pretty sure I've eaten the 150 empty calorie serving and should stop and go get some real food. They're making my fingers sticky.

Me and katelynn made a huge mess of the kitchen and I think I'm going to clean it up to make my mom happy after I eat breakfast. She's had a long week, so probably won't be up and going for another hour and a half or so. I'm going to play guitar and watch some TV, then I gotta study for finals. Yep, today is going to be a productive day hopefully.

yours,

emily

I've been smoking with my friend to get away from the stresses in my life, but my mom says substance abuse can lead me on a very bad path. Honestly, though, last night the depression had sort of come to a halt when I was with my friend, and we smoked to enjoy our time instead of getting anything out of our heads. I told her that I was nervous about what my mom said, and then I considered the people that smoke and party on a daily basis and let it interfere with their schoolwork... or don't go to school at all, and sit around and get high. When I do smoke, I do it responsibly. I do it when I don't have school or anything like that. I currently don't have a job, but I wouldn't if I had one.
Now that I know that this fear is imbedded inside of me, I need to cut back on smoking.
This could ALSO have to do with the Japanese thing, and how I have suddenly "lost interest" due to working for that horrendous korean woman. My mom was asking me, "So are you going to drop Japanese III or what?" I think maybe I don't want to let it go, but have been just turned off, for now because of the circumstances involved.

The root of the depression.

I need to find the root of this depression before it gets out of hand.

I know that I've been taking it out on my family lately and it's only making things worse. I just want these bad thoughts out of my head, so I've been turning to smoking a lot of weed to make it go away. But it's not working, it's so temporary, and they just come back in the morning and oftentimes I feel worse about myself. I'm done with turning to substances to make myself feel better, and need to find something more constructive.

As the weather gets warmer I will begin running every day. I started doing that a couple weeks ago, but because the weather was so cold it didn't allow me to run very far without my lungs feeling like they were frozen. I need to find another hobby, or turn to one of my earlier hobbies to help me get my mind off of things. Maybe I'll pick up the guitar again. Hopefully, my computer will stay... alive, long enough that I can use it until I get a new computer. Who knows when that will be.

My mom says that my attitude lately depresses her, and oftentimes she'll  try to talk to me and I'll reply with one word responses so I can avoid telling her anything that might make her irritated. Then after she continues to badger me, I end up slipping and saying something awful and she graons and goes "Emily STOP."

I need to find out what the root of this depression is. Katelynn, along with a few others, seem to really care and have been asking what's wrong but I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. The truth is, it's a number of things that have kind of piled on top of eachother the past few weeks. Luckily, it's not related to school directly, so my grades continue to be good even if I'm deeply bothered.

Here are the things that are making me depressed, if I can name them...

1. I don't have a job, and my sister does. This is really fucking annoying. Especially when she comes in flaunting her paycheck and talking about what she got in tips while I'm continually bothering my parents for money so I can get back and forth to school. Most other people, even complete morons, tend to have jobs. Why the fuck do I not have one? And I AM trying too. I've applied to... 5 different places since I quit Sweet Treat because of that horrendous bitch was intolerable. Have I gotten a call back? No.

2. I feel as though I'm living in filth. My room and my car are a fucking pit, but because of depression it's hard to get the ambition to clean them. Now that I have time this weekend I will start cleaning them, and hopefully it will make me feel a little bit better. There is just too much shit in my room. There's dust everywhere from insense. There's too much clothes. There's PAPERS. fucking PAPERS EVERYWHERE.

3. I'm lonely. Honestly this is one that is hard for me to admit because I DO have friends that I hang out with frequently and I really care about them. But when it seems like all of your friends are either in a relationship with someone they are madly in love and satisfied with, it makes you feel lonely. And it's so much fucking worse when they're blantant and braggy about it.

4. I'm broke. Which leads to me sitting here, alone, doing nothing because I have no money to do anything if I wanted too.

5. I no longer want to go to Japan. Which makes me feel like this whole learning japanese thing has been pointless. The reason for this is after working for an Asian I realized how nearly impossible it is to impress them because they think white people are lazy and stupid. So that definately doesn't make me want to go to Japan anymore. Plus my mom just loves to rub in my face how some english teacher over there disappeared because she's essentially saying, "see, that could of been YOU." Thanks Mom.

I honestly don't want people's sympathy, or even anyone to take notice in this. I write here because it makes me feel like I'm talking to-- well, myself. It helps me understand why I feel the way I do. Putting things in writing is just something that helps me. It is not a cry for help, attention, or for people's sympathy. A lot of people that have never gone through depression don't understand how serious it is, and think that people should just quit being whiny and should just "Stop", like my mom says.

So I need to find a solution. I need a hobby. Wow, and looking around my room makes me realize how many hobbies have came and left. Claymation, drawing, guitar, bass.. so many things that i've turned to when I'm depressed like this and then pushed aside again. But it worked. So i'm going to go back to playing guitar again. Hopefully it'll help clear my head and distract me from how I'm feeling lately.

yours,
emily

Job applications and sexiness.

The sexiest man alive, Till Lindemann.

Today I've filled out two job applications, both of which I found on Craigslist posted a few days ago. I'm hoping the positions haven't already been filled and I still have a chance at them. They are both retail, and sound suited for me because I'm good at customer service and organization and don't have to deal with stupid food.

Again. With no relevance to my blog at all.

I don't have school tomorrow so I think I'm going to go have some fun tonight. I'd rather not stick around here and listen to country music while my sister cleans her room. Somehow she got Delaney to help her with it. Good deal, I bet she's good at it.

yours,

emily

All I want in life is to be happy.

Goodmorning.

Just had my oral exam, scored 105%. Today I'll be getting back my formal report for Critical writing and hopefully it turned out well. My grades this quarter are looking good. I'm hoping that I can continue on like this, getting good grades, so I can get my AA and get the fuck out of here. Things have been looking down for me again for the most part, mainly with my family and also financially.

I hate the fact that I have to ask my parents for money because I need to get to school and back. I want to be as independent from them as I can, even if I'm still living there. I applied for another job, this time at some golf course. I'm going to continue applying to other places and hopefully get a job as soon as possible so I don't have to ask them for gas money anymore. Plus, I'll be out of the house more frequently so I'll be out of their hair.

I deleted my mom, sister and aunt Teri from my friends list today because I'm tired of feeling like I have to censor myself. I have no interest in being in contact with Teri, or anyone on my Dad's side of the family after they've backstabbed my dad, nor do I want my mom reading my statuses and getting bitched at about it later because she felt it was inappropriete or offensive. I truly don't care.

My dad continually yells at me on a daily basis. I won't say I'm perfect, but I try to stay out of my family's hair for the most part. He's always telling me to "grow the fuck up". HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GROW UP? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT? I get straight A's, I haven't been in a car accident, I don't party, I don't go slutting around, WHAT does he want from me?! Yeah, sometimes after a day of three hours of studying I don't feel like doing dishes as soon as I get home or cleaning up a mess that HE made. But does this make me immature.

I'm going to stop ranting about that.
I need to briefly bring up my losing the job at Sweet Treat. Technically I quit because the owners are completely insane. You might think upon entering the place that the korean lady that owns it is really sweet, but she's actually a complete bitch that expected me to do EVERYTHING perfect on the first day with little to no training. She's awful, and I was disappointed as hell when I had to quit because I couldn't deal with her continually bitching at me when I was working as hard as I possibly could.

Life is just too short to be somebody's bitch. I'm done with it. Someone out there will appreciate how hard I work, and I will get hired eventually. I'm so jealous that tons of other people have jobs where they do practically nothing and get paid for it.

In order to cheer myself up, I'm going to think of the things that make me happy.

Things that make me happy:

1. Katelynn

2. South Park

3. Paxil (which if I stopped taking would not have any happiness at all)

4. Drawing

5. Japanese class

6. Getting good grades

7. Heavy metal

8. Cold case books

9. Drawing

Wow, that didn't help much.

yours,

emily

My parents say I should just quit.

My parents say I should quit, but because I'm never a quitter and need money, I'm going to give it another day. Today was my second day working at the ice cream place-- and I literally feel sick to my stomach because it's been so difficult. My boss is Korean, and has extremely high expectations that are almost impossible to fulfill without making a mistake somewhere. I feel like everything I do is wrong. And I have to do everything so fast, but then she gets mad because she said I was running all over the place and considered letting me go because of it. It's just-- my lord.

I know how to make the bubble tea, I know how to do a scoop of ice cream, I'm friendly, I quickly clean, I do whatever they tell me to do... But I get so nervous because I get critisized on everything, and it hurts my feelings because I am working my ass off and going as fast as I can. They expect me to know all the prices, all the recipes for the cold stone stuff, be able to know what everyone ordered and type the prices into the cash register... and at the same time keep things clean and wash dishes and make pizelles and cones and NO WONDER I'm stressed out and running all over the place. On the surface it seemed like a fantastic place to work, but now I'm contimplating if it's worth it. She is giving me "a second chance"... even if I've only worked there for two days, so obviously I'm going to make mistakes. I just can't help but think it's unreasonable... But I just have to keep trying, and see if I can do a better job tomorrow.

While I was walking out to the dumpster to take out some trash, I tried to be friendly with another employee that had been working there for 3 months. I asked her if the boss had bitched her out when she first started working, and she's like "Not really-- the way that I was brought up, I have to do things right the first time or I get in trouble." Okay what the Hell is she implying. This pissed me off but I didn't say anything. Wow, I feel sick again.

Anyway, you get the jist. Really high pressure, I feel sick by the situation because I can't do shit *the way they want me too*. It's... nerve wrecking.

yours,
Emily

Dreaming, Mini shift, and Indian food

I had a really strange dream last night and I want to figure out what it means, regardless of it being sort of random and stupid. My mom is watching Holly's World, which is basically a bunch of dumb sluts modeling and talking about how great their lives are.

We walked into an italian restaurant, and we all sat down together and started looking at a menu. This was an expensive place, and there was music playing. My Dad of course immediately knew what he wanted, and while I was looking through the menu and seemed annoyed by the fact that I didn't know what I wanted yet. I told him that I didn't like Italian food. The menu was HUGE though, and found fish and chips.
Suddenly my parents were at the bar, and me and Avery were running around looking at these enourmous shows that were playing. I video'd this one of a bunch of cosplayers doing a musical. I actually recognized some of the people that were in the show, including a lot of the people I saw at Otaku Con. It was very bizarre that they were doing this in an italian restaurant, but it was enourmous in there and looked more like a warehouse.
I went over to the bar, and asked what my parents were doing, and they said the food had come, but it's at a table where people were still finishing eating. So me and my sister walk over, and there's our food, sitting in front of these two middle aged people that were eating, and Avery said, "Can we eat here?" and they said yes. Apparently the food that I ordered wasn't good, and ordered something else. Then here comes this little "Kawaii" menu that had little pictures of adorable food on it and then on the plate there were the same foods. Like there was little rice balls and a tiny hamburger. It was cute, and yet we were still in this italian restaurant... uhm.. makes no sense but okay. My parents ended up sitting down, but my mom was finished eating and I felt like I was making my parents wait around.

I'm gonna decipher this later, I gotta take a shower. When I get back I'll talk about my first day on the job!

Later, 6:33 pm...
There's nothing better than coming home after a lovely fight with my sister. I tried really hard not to fight with her this time around, I did.. I picked her up from Bean's house, and we headed over to Michaels to pick up a decorating kit for a class that i'm taking in order to someday get a raise. I was going to use my mom's debit card, which she specificially gave to me for this purpose. I did not use the card to buy food, or gas, or anything. My sister put in her cheerleading gifts in with the purchase and it came out as $50.

During this process, she told me that I'm wasting Mom's money because "we have all that stuff at home" and "you don't even know if you have that job yet". First of all, yes, I do have that job. Secondly, all I've seen at home is a bunch of used cake decorating stuff that is extremely disorganized. Last time I wanted to do fancy decorating, I couldn't find half of the pieces I needed. Apparently though, my mom has a few decorating kits SOMEWHERE, but I have no idea where they are and I doubt she does either. But if she shows me and it's the same exact kit, I'm going to return it tomorrow. I highly doubt this is the same kit. This is a large, $30 kit that was required for the class.

We get out to the car, and my sister realizes that mom wanted a picture frame. I try to hand her mom's debit card and she screams back "NO, I'M GONNA SPEND MY OWN MONEY". Oh yes, lovely superhero, so generous and darling Avery. The one that would take mom's debit card for days and spend it on junk food and Rockstars. She claims this is a lie but I've seen her do it and mom  has told me that she does it.

SO, MY FIRST DAY AT WORK...
Was only an hour long. I got some training from a really nice co-worker who I can already tell I'm going to like. I can't remember her name but she is a bit shorter than me, hispanic, and looks a bit like Beatriz Sandoval. She showed me how to make bubble tea, had me try the frozen yogurt, and showed me how to use the espresso machine. Then when Jin showed up, she showed me some stuff too and I got a free green tea bubble tea. It was really delicious! I wasn't really hungry though so I couldn't drink the whole thing. Unfortunately though, I couldn't work because I don't have my food handlers card. So I'm off until Wednesday now.

OH. I totally forgot to mention, me and Andrew hung out today. He took me out to Indian food and it was really interesting. I tried goat curry, which was really odd but tasty regardless. I noticed there were a lot of bones in the dishes and it creeped me out a bit because I felt like I was eating ribs and didn't know how to eat politely when I had to disect the meat so much to eat it. The rice was soo good for some reason, it was like the perfect texture. I'll probably make a yelp review of it. It was nice of him to take me out though. I bought him coffee.

Eek, I have bad heartburn for some reason. I feel like taking a bath and relaxing...

yours,
emily

Ice Cream and Blythe Dolls

Look at how adorable these are. Okay, you might disagree, but I think these are the single prettiest, cutest dolls I've ever seen. They're about 2 inches tall and have very human like hair. They are high quality and have really realistic clothes. I want to start collecting them someday. Maybe in a couple pay checks I'll hunt for one because IIIIII...

HAVE A JOB NOW

Ohh yeaaaaa

I'm not even lying. I got a job at my favorite ice cream place in the tri cities and I start working tomorrow at 2:00 pm. Isn't that awesome?! One of my favorite places in the tri cities. But I got a LOT of help, now that I look back on the past couple days Here's what happened..

Me and Katelynn went in to get coffee drinks on thursday to treat ourselves after my long day of presentations and her long, crazy week at work. When we ordered, the woman that owns the business says "What are you guys doing currently?" And my friend answered working at Wal Mart and I said going to college and looking for a job, and she said she was currently hiring one more person! I was so excited.

The next day I spiffed up my resume and editted my cover letter. My dad helped me a lot with that, as he's editted a lot of cover letters and resumes in the past. He helped me get rid of a lot of the unnessasary information out of my cover letter so that it's too the point. I was happy he did, because when I turned it in the woman that works there looked at it immediately and they are very busy. I doubt she would want to read about me rambling on. So she gave me the job! Sort of. She told me that she needed me to get a food handlers card, and explained that the way to get a raise is to take a cake decorating class offered at Michaels. She gave me a lot of information about the business and how fast pace it is, and how she expects me to work very hard. I will work as hard as I can-- I can't mess this up! (Not that I will, but you guys know me.. I look at the glass half empty...) She also told me that I have to memorize the entire menu and take a test to prove that I know it. This was intimidating, but I eagerly wrote down everything on a sheet of paper and left to make an appointment to get the food handlers card.

I probably searched for about 20 minutes for the health department building, and I wouldn't of found it without Jon telling me where it was. So there's another person that helped me with this. Nobody in my family was picking up the phone, and Jon happened to know where it was. I made an appointment for Thursday, thirty minutes before it was going to close. Luck was on my side again.

I then went to Michael's craft store to sign up for the cake decorating class. This starts on the 7th, and I was the last spot available. Hopefully, work doesn't overlap with the class. o_o oh jeez.

So when I got home, I started studying this immense list of ice cream flavors and had my sister and my mom quiz me over and over again. My sister helped a lot too because she thought of clever ways to remember things. When I was quizzed today at the store, I aced it. :) The owner was impressed.

So that's it! I'm very happy luck was on my side for once. I can't mess this up no matter what.

yours,

emily

System of a Down versus Berryz Kobo-- who will win, haha

Alright, so with $450, I need to consider how much I need to save for upcoming things. I have a LOT going on this next 5-6 months or so, so I'm going to get down everything that I want to go too, and about how much it's going to cost.

I <3 Berryz Kobo

Party at my house: March 25th

This is the first upcoming thing that is going to cost me a sufficient amount of money. It could be a lot more, depending on how much food I'm going to have to buy and if these people want to rent a DJ or whatever. I don't want too, but Shelden brought up that he thinks it'd be a good idea to have one... He wouldn't be the one paying for it though, I would, which would be freaking expensive and I don't even think it's nessasary. We're gonna have having rockband going, as well as the sound system playing J-pop and techno. Don't you think that's enough noise? Food is probably not going to cost me that much, about $40 probably because I'm making a ton of california rolls. However, it's a potluck, so people are going to be bringing food too.

April 22-24, Sakura Con

I was unaware how soon this actually is. I need to get the Sailor Mars costume stat. Yep, I'm doing Sailor Mars, the reason being is that my hair is getting long enough now that I wouldn't have to buy a wig and it'd still look good. I was originally going to do Jupiter, but I'm not really a fan of the character on the show. I really like this costume too. Hopefully, Katelynn and Jon will be able to go with me and we'll have a grand time. If not I'm sure there's a group of people going. This is going to cost about $200... So then I just realized..

THE SYSTEM OF A DOWN CONCERT IS SHORTLY AFTER ON MAY 13.

I don't think I'd be able to afford both unless I get a real job. The tickets go on sale this thursday, which is gonna be another $40 down the toilet, plus the fact that it's in Seattle so it'll cost about $100 or more. Damn it. This is still pretty far ahead and I have time to save, but only if I get a job soon. It's really time to crack down and start saving as much as I can. I would love to go to both Sakura Con and System of a Down because Berryz Kobo is playing at Sakura con and they're my favorite J-pop band. Shit. But of course I HAVE to see System of a Down, that's like-- my HAJJ. Maybe I just can't have both. Maybe I should just wait till KuroNeko con in June, that'd be more in my budget.

I'm having a really shitty day today. It started out with me sort of sleeping inn until 6:45 am, and getting up to take a shower and went into the living room and downloaded music until 7:10 am. I realized my parents weren't awake, and neither was my sister, but I wake them up EVERY morning and my sister had pressed her snooze button nearly 5 freakin times and it's obvious that my parents don't even bother to set their alarm clock anymore because it's so convient that I can just go in and say "Wake up, please!" Heh, so I didn't do it this morning. I think they should be able to hear the shower, or the blowdryer, or the 5 times my sister's alarm went off.

So they were pissed. And I was the scapegoat. It's not my fault they can't turn on their damn alarm clocks and get up on time. My mom of course had to do a personal blow and said "Well ITS RIDICULOUS that you get to sleep while the rest of us are working after you get home from school!!" Yeah, I take a two hour nap after school, after studying and doing continual work for 5-6 hours on a daily basis. So if my dad tells me to "Grow up" one more fucking time I swear to God...

But I have nowhere to go. I'm fucking stuck here. I need to get my AA, that's my goal, but every day is becoming more of struggle. My parents seem to think I'm lazy, even if I'm DESPERATELY looking for a job. My mom GAVE MY SISTER A FREE JOB and now SHE HAS A JOB AND I DON'T. They don't even realize how fucking insulting that is to me, either. And then my dad has the nerve to say that he doesn't think I'd be WILLING to work this temporary 2-day job that might earn me $50 at most. I don't even care. I need to save money so bad. I want to get out of benton city so, so, so bad. I feel like such a loser.

yours,

Emily