22. New Years Resolutions and other stuff.

Sup guys?

Just got back from a very long seven hour shift at work. Jay informed me that I will be getting paid for those 30 hours.... in another two weeks. Fuck, I'm getting really tired of this. He told me I'd be getting paid for those hours on my last paycheck. Thank God I don't have an apartment or a family to feed otherwise they'd be pretty irritated and hungry. haha

So, that Zach (a.k.a.Berry, Brenna's friend from awhile back that stopped talking to me abruptly) guy really proved himself to be a complete puke, but luckily had some closure with him. Last night he spontaniously texted me after not talking for four weeks, "Wanna hook up again?" I had deleted his number, so I texted him back "Who's this?" and he's like "Berry." Five minutes later, as I responded when I was on break he writes "Well?" Ugh. Obviously, zero respect for me. Have I wanted to hook up with him again? Yes. But do I have dignity? ..Or am I at least working on it? Yes. First, sort of dumbfounded, I said "Dude don't you have a girlfriend?"
After driving home, pissed off that he texted me about it in the first place, I also wrote, in a nutshell: "And honestly, I don't want to hook up with you again. I didn't want the "hookup" to be just that but you manipulated me by acting like you actually had feelings toward me. Fuck no, I'd rather not make that mistake again." <- That's actually a little nicer than what it said, but it was basically the same thing. Also, I sound a lot less pathetic than that. Anyway, he told me he didn't have a girlfriend and that he didn't have a committment of any kind with anyone. Yet you post statuses with that gross dumpy girl all the time? Errm, I'm sure she wouldn't be thrilled if she knew he was trying to hook up.

Anyway, he didn't respond until this morning at like 6' am. I was up because I was getting ready for work. He told me that when we hooked up he didn't know I was moving. What a cheap ass excuse. I told him I wasn't moving until September, but regardless he shouldn't base his opinions of someone around when they're moving or not. This went on for awhile with long time stretches in between texts. I had to go to work, so we were having this conversation throughout the day. This is why I hate texting.

Long story (well, not really) short, he made the excuse that he's moving in June. Great, good ridance. Seriously I could give a shit. I really wanted to bitch him out but at this point, but I offered to still be friends to be on good terms, though re-reminded him that I don't want a fuck buddy or any of that bullshit. He responded "nah." Great! 'Have a nice life :)' is what I wrote back. I didn't bitch him out because I'd rather he didn't spread any garbage around about me.

This might sound like a sob story, but for me it's actually a story of strength for me. Yes, I didn't nessasarily tell him straight and bitch him out like I would of to almost anyone that gave me shit online or via text, but this is a huge step for me. I DIDN'T hook up with him. I went on a night walk with Lindy after work, and stayed home. I TOLD HIM NO.

Which leads me to my New Years resolutions for 2012.

2012 Resolutions

1. Be more of a bitch. Bitches have self worth.

Now, a bitch in a sense that I will no longer be a pushover toward men. I will save my kindness and patience for work and the people that I actually care about. This year I was manipulated, and had a vicious cycle of bad men and rejections, making my trust in men very VERY slim. But I'm still alive, STD free, and I still look pretty damn good even if I've gone through an emotional hellride.

2. Get more sleep. 

This is really important. I haven't been getting a good amount of ZzZ's in forever. Especially with my school schedule starting so early in the morning. I'm gonna be waking up at 5'. Barely made it to work on time (scheduled at 7:45) when I woke up at 6:30.

3. Learn all the System of a Down songs on guitar.

Well, probably won't learn all of them, but I'll get the best chunk done that I can. I've already got two down (Hypnotize and Soil), and I'm working on a third (Holy Mountains).

4. Have Faith in myself.

I need to stop wasting so much energy on putting myself down because of the mistakes I've made that have left me sad and humiliated. I have nothing in life to be humiliated for. Those weird fat coupon ladies with their toddlers? They have something to be humiliated for, and they have way more self confidence than I do.

I have really spent too much time in my life being miserable, and it's time to make an effort to be a happier person. Because I'm 20 years old, that's like a 4th of my life that I've spent miserable. I don't need anyone to give me the happiness I deserve. I have to find it myself. There's nothing a man can give me that can make me genuinely happy. It's all lust, it's all short lived. Most relationships are complete bullshit and people just get in them for the attention and admiration/envy of others. I need to find this happiness myself.

5. Develop a closer relationship with God.

I'm tired of being afraid of dying. My anxieties are worsening and I need help.

Pretty powerful goals. But I am feeling like this year will be a breakthrough for me. No, things might not nessasarily change that dramatically, but I can only try and improve my life one step at a time. And I really think these goals will help me. I've been trying to keep a possitive outlook on things. Guitar and hanging out with Jake has helped a lot.

yours,

Emily