F*ckF*ckityF*ckF*ck WHYYYY....

Well it's been a hell of a day.

I think extreme stress over this class registration issue has made me sick for the last two days. I've been completely lacking in energy and my stomach has been in chronic pain. For good reason, considering one of my worst nightmares actually happened today.

I'm not graduating after Spring quarter like I'd originally anticipated and in retrospect I realize it's all my fault. This is going to create another entire quarter of stress, frustration and worst of all, debt. I need to backup to explain what the hell happened.

I registered for my Spring classes weeks ago, when I was supposed too. I know I did, but because it was so long ago I have no direct recollection of it. So when I went online and discovered that "you have not currently registered for any Spring classes" I flipped. I had no idea why I'd been dropped. I figured it was just a stupid glitch or something.

So of course I re-registered for the classes I needed: Econ 401 and Human resource management online. Not only was HR full, but I was #14 on the wait list... Making it impossible to get into that class, and there's nothing else available. I messaged my adviser and the dean of business registration and she sent me a message saying I hadn't tried registering for anything since February, as well as the fact that I missed the graduation deadline and need to fill one out by April 10th for after Summer quarter anyway.

So I f*cked up in two ways unknowingly. This left me with, okay, I'm not graduating after Spring quarter which totally blows, but I need to find another class to take so I have 10 credits. Given the fact that my Dad is always getting on my case about taking more accounting classes, that was the first thing I looked at. NO accounting classes on campus are being offered on campus that I can take that would contribute to getting an accounting minor if I wanted one. There's a 341 class available in Des Moines, 2.5 hours away, driving over the pass twice a week... That's not plausible for a number of reasons. Then there's also the option of taking Cost Accounting 405 online which would be incredibly hard and stressful considering I got a C+ in cost accounting 305. Cost accounting 405 doesn't even add credits to an accounting minor because it's not one of the elective options, who knows why.. making it extremely hard to convince myself to take it.

My parents aren't going to pay for me to take only 5 credits and neither is my student loans. So I'd be losing my student loans, as well as all the money in my savings account to pay for these 5 credits. I would HAVE to get a job in ellensburg. Something I tried to do all quarter last quarter and failed miserably. I mean I'd have better availability but even then, it is so hard to get a job there.

At least if I got a job it'd make it easier to live there in the summer. I'm so tired of going to school in general, I really thought I was finally done with it after this quarter but because of my own idiotic lack of initiative to check and make sure everything was ready to go. I can't remember the last time I was this disgusted with myself. I'm just praying this can somehow be to my advantage..

I am probably going to go back to Ellensburg Friday to start my job search again. And pay for my one class. Try to somehow deal with this depression I'm feeling right now.

peace. 

When your first crush gets married..

Talk about a weird feeling. .

I mean it's not like I didnt expect it because he's Mormon. It seems like all the Mormons I graduated with are getting married recently; which is cool, I am I guess you could say "in love with love." I love the idea of a "happily ever after."

It's just when I got an invitation to his wedding something hit me. Not jealousy nessasarily because I haven't talked to him in years. It was something different. A weird combination of sadness, happiness, nostalgia and enlightenment is the best way I can describe it. 

I'm happy he's happy but seeing the picture of him and his fiance in loving embrace made me feel envious and sad for some reason. Like why haven't I felt that, I want to feel the sense that who I'm with is right for me.. both emotionally and physically. For years I wanted him more than anything but because he's LDS knew it was impossible and by the time I hit highschool gave up and forgot about it. I guess the rush of emotions seeing that made me tell my mom while we were watching some crime documentary. .

"Yea.. I don't think I can make that...."

And she responded "yea, Mormon weddings can be long. I'll make them a pillow as a gift." And that was the last we talked about it. And this is the last i'll talk about it on this blog.

Im happy for those people that are truly happy at my age. Really I am. I'll just keep praying its on my own road someday.

Peace.

I'm a loser babbbbay

So why don't cha kill me.

These are one of those days where I look about almost as bad as I feel on the inside.

After all that fucking work I still did not feel confident on that test what so ever. All the prayers. All the work I did these past two days.. I mean 5 hours the day before yesterday. .then yesterday I was at it from 12 in the afternoon to  this morning at 8:00!! I could not rest until i'd felt confident on that material and I just... didnt. These were the chapters on stock valuation that I really wanted to build a better understanding of. I mean I guess I did... I learned a lot. But I feel like I must have slacked off this last week because I barely touched the last two chapters until this morning. I was an idiot and spent waaay too much time trying to master 8/9  which conceptually were hard chapters in and of themselves. Of course by the time I *did* finish reading chapter 10/11 concepts over and over but and copiex problems and answers down i thought would help me. A lot of it didnt because I didn't have adequate practice.

Not all is lost though. I still plan on joining the finance club in the spring, I'm still gonna turn in the chapter 11 homework for extra credit and I WILL complete that case study even if I was one of the few losers that didn't prioritize well enough to even start the thing. and this is like... 25 hours I spent annotating the book, practicing problems,  bah bah.. but THATS because I was probably only half paying attention because i  had YouTube on. Nobody is a multi-tasker, when you read or do homework of even play guitar sometimes it's useless because I'm really paying attention of the crazy/druggie/hitetrash/serial killers to really pay attention.
I hope to improve this asap.
Ahh I'm dozing off already.
Gnite guys (11:04 am)

I feel like I'm going crazy

Okay, I can't remember the last time I was so sleep deprived but unable to sleep. Its that part of me that won't let me sleep when I know there's more work to do.

These last four finance chapters have been hard, but I really dropped the ball on the last two chapters by dedicating too much of my time on the first two.  I studied yesterday for about 5 hours. Today I was at the library from 12 pm until 11 pm with a couple breaks in between to eat a quesadilla and have soup at Van's house.

Van is a girl that I'd seen in my finance class so many times and we finally introduced ourselves the other day when she saw me cramming for my marketing exam in the hallway. She told me some of the essay questions that she'd remembered from last quarter that helped immensely.

Honestly I should have been studying these last two finance chapters earlier. I just let myself get wrapped up in studying for marketing and figured two days would be enough. It really hasn't been.

I have to take the test in 7 hours. I don't know what its worth for me to just be laying here stressed out when I know I can't sleep. When I first got home I was laying here in bed praying to god to let me sleep for a few hours but all I could think of was the last chapters I needed to reread. Even now after I finished reading them I want to get up, shower and get ready and finish my "cheat sheet." It's 1 in the fucking morning and I didn't get a good night sleep last night because Marshall was meowing and being a turd!

Ugh. Like I said, its crazy. . Like I know my brain is tired. I know I would be better off for my test if I slept. But I just can't. I just have to get out of bed and keep going because my mind is not going to rest until 10 am today when the test is done. After I nap I then have to do this case study thing that was supposed to be due this morning but I convinced the professor to not punish those that turn it in on the same day because of how hard these chapters are. He understood and sent an email out to everyone saying they can turn it in until Friday. God, what an awesome guy. He has been so flexible with us this quarter because he really wants us to learn..

And *I* really want to learn!! I've done so damn well all quarter I can't do shitty on this test and have it all be for nothing!!

Okay.. I need to think positively. Yes I'm sleep deprived. Yes I have work to do. But God is here with me now and will help me get through this and do the best that I can possibly do given my current circumstances. .. . I just pray I haven't blown it..

Peace.

Marshall you are such a freaking bully

Who raised you?? ....oh yea.

I took this picture minutes ago. Marshall was being super stir crazy tonight and meowing to get in and out over and over again so I let Kiki in to uh... play with him. Marshall does quiet down when Kiki is there but I realized it's because he's tormenting him.

Kiki is not a fighter like Sully or Marlow. He won't attack back at all so it's pathetic when I see my cat jump on top of him and bite his neck when he's trying to make his way to Marshall's food dish. And he'll do it over and over until finally he goes into my room and hides out. Its even sadder because Kiki isn't even aiming for the food in the bowl anymore. He eats the food dropped outside of the bowl just to not piss Marshall off. Simply put my cat can be quite an asshole.

I'm trying to blog this from my phone right now. Today wasnt a bad day, just had a lot on my mind. I realize that regardless of the fact that I am extremely diligent and hardworking at school my ability to seek out opportunities for myself and network around for jobs is pitiful. Its almost like I have to be told to do something, either from someone in authority or my mind telling me if I dont practice guitar I wont ever get better to actually do it. Drawing is something I do more out of pleasure at this point but still part of me makes it a job to keep my page updated with new pictures..

Then I think of all the time I waste on Facebook. I need to start making finding a job a priority over everything. This Thursday I plan to update and turn in my resume to a couple places around ellensburg and this weekend I plan to revise some of my old assignments to upload onto LinkedIn. At least even with my lack of work experience if I can have something to show for how hard of a worker I am aside from my grades than that's something.

Uhm let's see, this week is my last official week of classes. Next week is finals and like always I've got a shit ton of work to do including a case study for my finance class. If I do well on that, that'll be something else I can post to my LinkedIn. Yup fun stuff ....

Peace.

When someone undermines your accomplishments.

Today was alright. Pretty typical Tuesday in a lot of ways.

This morning I got up around 10, wasted an hour or so on facebook while I ate the last of that leftover Chinese food for breakfast, got ready, and read a chapter for my marketing class. Got a 9/10 on the quiz this morning which is always nice. Another step closer to getting two A's this quarter. I've definitely got good prospects for my finance class. I was super proud of myself for getting a 96% on my last test. Or at least I was until this afternoon.

Marketing was let out early and I saw Kevin P. and he asked me what I'd been up too. I told him I'd been kicking ass in my classes so I really wanted a job but nothing had really materialized yet. He told me Young made him a finance tutor so he basically scored a job without really looking for one. I can admire that, you know finance is fucking hard. And of course when I mentioned that I was doing really well in Tenerelli's he's like "Well he's super easy and a terrible finance teacher..." And I'm like, "Well I think he's good, I've learned a lot in there and he doesn't assume that we already know all the material like Becker and Young did. He actually makes us learn the definitions and material before doing the problems..." and he just kept insulting him like 'oh he's a terrible professor' and 'oh he doesn't teach NEARLY the material you need to know and if you were to leave his class and take finance 470 you'd fail."

It was just hard to hear that. Especially after I struggled so much and had to drop it with Young and Becker and finally felt like I was getting it. I told him that he does cover more material than in his previous classes... apparently before the school got on his case about not covering enough chapters he only got to chapter 7 but we're doing chapter 9 and 10 right now... I don't feel like I'm at some kind of disadvantage having a professor that's more understanding and provides more explanation for material that's completely foreign to most of us unless you're an accounting major.

Kevin is in his 5th year at CWU. He's triple majoring.. When I was defending what I'd learned in Tenerelli's class he said "Well just to let you know nobody going on the all expenses paid trip in the Finance club took Tenerelli's class.." and I'm scoffed like "Whatever! I wouldn't want to go anyway!"

I think at this point he realized he'd been kind of insulting. That's the thing about Kevin though. He's super intelligent and even if he's my friend he says things that makes me feel like I'm never doing enough. He's one of the people that back when I was in the height of my depression a couple years back that I'd just say to him out of the blue, "F*ck it I'm stupid and wish I would just die" and he'd flip out like "Why would you say something like that? You're so smart..." Because he'd have no idea he had said things that insulted my heart.

That's all I'm going to say about this... You know regardless of the fact that Tenerelli doesn't make us memorize the formulas like the other finance teachers does not mean he makes this subject easy. I've had to study hours to get the grades I've gotten just like any other class. And I know for a fact I am more confident in that class then people during the midterm that were letting out loud exacerbated sighs and that doing well enough to be at the top of that class should be something to be proud of. I should allow myself to be proud of myself for once but that conversation with Kevin hurt, bad.

I wish I wasn't so hard on myself. I want to feel confident entering the job world. This month it's super important that I do search for the first stepping stone into my actual career to avoid moving home. There's so many big changes that are going to happen soon and I'm trying to prepare myself the best I can for it.

In the meantime to keep myself calm and happy I've just been doing a lot of art and guitar. I'm so ready to upload Phantom of the Opera, the tone sounds fantastic. My Dad, Mom and I went to Goodwill after hitting my favorite Chinese restaurant and Rite Aid and I had a couple great finds. My Dad found me an AWESOME Black Album tabs book and I found a pantera shirt that I love.

I cut out the sleeves, of course. Ha ha. Alright that's enough for today.. goodnight!

peace.