1st day on the job (and check out this crazy cake)

Hey guys. It's 10:27 pm, Tuesday night.

I just worked out for about 20 minutes. Figure I'd try to make a dent in the amount of calories in 48 oz. of Bud light and Clamato and a BLT sandwich I enjoyed this evening after my first day at work. I'm all sweaty and slippery from putting on tanning lotion shortly before doing a couple workout videos which probably wasn't the best idea. Anyway.

My first day at Little Caesars was pretty good. Brianna M. was who trained me and did a pretty good job at it. I've known Brianna since we were kids which took a lot of the pressure off versus if it were a stranger. I really like my boss Rita too. I expected her to be really hard on me for some reason but she was actually quite friendly and told me I did a good job at the end of the day. Though I'm not yet as fast and effective at doing things as I'd like to be, I think I'll catch on pretty quickly. I just really want to do a good job and mess up as little as possible because I'm so happy to have gotten a job after this summer anyway.

But I will mess up occasionally, just part of the learning curve. What I like about this job is it's extremely task oriented. As a crew member you're either at one station flattening the dough or making breadsticks, or you're at the next station preparing pizzas to be held at the rack ready for baking, or you're boxing pizzas and getting it ready to go for the customer. The faster and more effective I can do these skills the better I'll do at this job-- period. And because today was my first day I was obviously slower and cautious but I'll be able to speed up in time.

Luckily today was just slow and steady.. Brianna told me it can get kind of crazy when they're busier and have to predict how many pizzas to have ready to go. Tomorrow I'm working from 4 pm-8 pm  with the woman that trained Brianna so I'm hoping she's cool. Thus far I like everyone I work with, including these other two Hispanic women I worked with but I'm drawing a blank on their names right now. One of the women didn't speak any English and I tried to friendly communicate in my crummy broken Spanish and we all laughed. The other woman that did of course speak English was really cool and also helped me out a lot today. She's got four kids.

Speaking of kids... 

My sister made this insane Elmo cake (pictured above) for this little girl's birthday. Her name is Lillie and she's been living with my sister's boyfriend's family for about a year now. It's really none of my business why but I know the baby's Dad is this guy named Lorenzo who still seems like a kid himself. 

Here's a picture of the cake from the front. The Elmo itself was actually shaped using rice crispy treats-- I thought that was really clever. Of course it took an ABSURD amount of food coloring to achieve those shades of red and blue so our kitchen was a complete disaster when I arrived home. I decided to go to the store and get a microwave dinner instead of bother cooking... My mom spent hours cleaning the mess this cake made.  

A bowl of rice crispies sounds pretty good right now.

Goodnight!

peace. 

Love is a tragedy. All that I have, all that I'll ever need ...

Is right here inside

Let the winds of freedom be my guide

(Jeff Loomis. Reminder to myself to start paying attention to incredible guitarists again)

Afternoon readers.

Lately I've had a lot of time to think (like that's something new), successfully returning my psyche to a productive equilibrium of not having my "heart" distract me and make me sad. That's the only way I can put the feeling I have when someone comes into my life seeming totally into me which gets my hopes up but then disappears for whatever reason. It's always a painful experience to go through that lingers with me a week or two after it happens.


This has happened to me twice this summer which has made things like being motivated to look for a job, practice guitar, etc... much harder than they've had to be because of underlying anger, confusion and depression. And at this point in my life the anger and confusion is not directed toward anyone else because it's so easy for me to read and understand why other people do what they do.

I get angry at myself for having any desire to be with another person and letting it make me sad what so ever. I get confused at why luck continues to be serially dreadful that this aspect of my life even if I know I'm very attractive, talented, funny, driven, intelligent, fun loving, adventurous, active... Which should be enough to make me happy!! There's no fucking reason for me to be "depressed" anymore. At 22 I've already accomplished sooo much of what I envisioned myself doing as a child/insecure teen and need to learn to be happy that my talents, intelligence and success will only skyrocket from here if I continue to be this self motivated trying to fill this hole in my life.


It's been two weeks since being let down by a guy who I'd been talking to who I thought was over his ex but apparently wasn't. When I realized that I didn't bother questioning it, especially when I know this particular girl went gone through nearly as much bullshit I did with Jack to get this guy. You know I'll admit I find this guy attractive too and when I found they'd been broken up for a year I thought what the Hell, but after a week of flirting and getting to know him suddenly it's obvious they're back together and in love and everyone's happy.

Good for them, you know. Good for every fucking girl I know that was once lonely and now their dreams have come true and everything's so perfect. I'm so happy for you all.

But more importantly I'm happy with myself and could give a shit about your happiness. I realize now I could die tomorrow and feel I've done all I could do at this point to make myself the best person I could be and that's all I can ask so I won't compare what I have to anyone else.

...I'm gonna go practice guitar for a few hours.... sorry for the language you guys. Had a lot to get off my chest but I truly am feeling content again. Having nobody on your mind does that to you. I'm also happy to say I got a job at Little Caesers and will start working there on the 28th.

peace. 

Trying for years to fix this....

Evening..

Today was pretty interesting. For the first time this summer I had the balls to visit my grandma regardless of the fact that Ty owns everything now. Ty did call in a number of times, probably to ask whether or not I was still there and could come home without feeling awkward. I appreciate that he *did* leave today because it made it a lot easier to see my aunt and Grandma without bringing up the elephant in the room, but there was still so much tension.

My aunt Traci had come a few days ago to visit and my Mom couldn't help crying about how fragmented our family has become. She talked about how my Dad felt like he was exiled from his family and didn't know if anything would ever change it. I thought years would heal the pain but it's only made it worse. My Dad wants a relationship with his mom so badly but the tension between Ty and my Dad is too much to even step foot in that house after all that has happened....

It's such a catch 22 because Tyler plays a substantial role in my grandmother's life and none of us wanted to take that away from her. Having grown up LDS and always having a man tell her what to do, my Grandma has been afraid of feeling purposeless since my Grandpa died. She has taken care of Ty like she took care of my Grandpa and it makes her feel special so she's been willing to sacrifice the relationship with my Dad to give Ty what he wants. She felt that Ty should have the farm because my Dad has a great job, wife and daughters so he didn't need it.  What my Grandma didn't realize is how much the farm meant to my Dad which to this day destroys him.

At this point there's nothing we can do. Tyler has full ownership of the farm, including the shed and the land my Dad so carefully tended to all those years... I remember coming out to his barn in the evenings and I would be so proud of the beautiful gardens he planted. I would roam around and look at the tools he'd collected or catch frogs around the irrigation ditch. I remember listening to crickets and running through the weeds during sunset like it was the most beautiful place on earth. When that was taken away from us I didn't realize how much of an impact it would have but the repercussions have been more obvious every summer.

Annnyway..... Went over to my Grandmother's house today to visit. Traci had to deliver something to an elderly woman she used to care for so my grandmother and I had about an hour to talk. We talked about the usual-- About school and that I'd be graduating in one quarter, I asked her about her involvement with the Mormon church, etc etc... Anthony showed up and sat down, which was interesting having talked to him for the first time in a few years.

Here's a picture of Anthony and Wyatt. 

Anthony has gotten so tall! At least six foot... He's not a bad looking kid but definitely into  video games and anime to the point that the mainstream girl would be like "Whhhaaat are you talking about?" Lol about where I was at that age. 

peace. 

Too much damn disappointment for one summer.

This summer has been hard. I keep feeling like I'm coming close to something good happening and then it doesn't happen.

I've been trying to stay optimistic because it stresses out my family when I'm sad. It's just hard not to be sad when I feel like I've been forced to face being let down time and time again. I'm praying to God for inner peace and to have a job in the upcoming two weeks just so I can get my mind off what I feel like I'm missing.

I started talking to someone earlier this week and we were making some pretty strong implications that we'd hang out today and maybe float the river. I guess I didn't make things clear enough because this morning when I offered to pick him up on the way back from dropping off an application in Pasco he said he had to help his friend move. I was like, "Okay well would you want to make some solid plans for tomorrow then?" and he brushed me off a second time.

I went on his profile and found that 20 hours ago he saw his ex. Pretty transparent what happened here and now he doesn't want to bother spending time with me. Fabulous.

Whatever, I don't care. I'm still more beautiful, talented and intelligent. Someone will appreciate that eventually. I just didn't anticipate feeling lonely this summer. And I'm not saying I haven't been doing stuff with friends almost every day-- I've felt super fortunate in this regard and it's been nice to see as many people as I have already. But as much as I try to suppress it I just feel that nausea in the pit of my stomach every so often that tells me "You're so alone." when I see my friends and their boyfriends and wondering what my problem is.

peace.

Needless to say I've been listening to a ton of metal today. Listen to this awesome intro riff, I would love to learn it once I get better at my sweeps. 

Metal will always carry my soul away if I'm in pain

One business owner finally took the first step... in conservative little Prosser too!!

Evening you potheads. 

Only because I know that's the first word that comes to mind looking at this picture. That or I look drunk. I am neither in this photo, the sun was shining in my face when my mom took this photo. She did take a sort of cute one that I uploaded earlier. That smile's not BS, either, she took this when we were out floating and I was having a really great time. 

Speaking of pot I have some very interesting news! Prosser just opened their first legal marijuana store. The type where all you have to do is show proof of identification and you can buy high quality bud for $20-$30 a gram. Granted that is not competitive with street prices what-so-ever (1 gram would regularly be about $5-$10), and they aren't claiming to try to be. The higher prices basically reflect the costs of legality issues and tax involved, but they aren't terrible considering the people that are buying it are primarily middle aged adults that don't have dealers and would rather not start asking local high school kids to find one (lol). 

A coworker of my Dad's predicted it will be a "flop" after the excitement dies down. But considering the shop sold their entire shipment of 300 grams (rationed in individual grams mind you, so we're talking $6000, at least $1800 of which will be used as tax revenue for better schools, a safer city, newer and modernized infrastructure in the town, increased tourism and foot-traffic from outsiders... the lists goes on. 

So hats off to you, brave entrepreneur that took the first step in opening the first marijuana store. 

peace. 

Looks only go so far, homie.

I've come to two realizations:

1. That it is not wise for me to consider dating someone younger than me and...

2. That I shouldn't bother dating guys that have not been in college long enough to have their hookups and partying over with. 

Okay I'll admit now that we're not talking anymore, what a cutie (ha ha ha)! The fact he was into me makes me flattered.

He's just in a different stage of maturity right now, even if he has gone to college for two years. I'm not saying Dalton's immature for a 20 year old, he's normal where his brain might be looking for hot girls with the simplest route to get laid and I'm too much of a challenge. Obviously girls are probably talking to him left and right so when we suddenly stopped talking around 4th of July I figure it's because he met someone else that's maybe a little.... easier. lol.

Alright moving on, probably the last time you'll hear me mention him.

Okay so I've got some exciting news..! 

Finally had the balls to add this girl on facebook. She's pretty damn cute and cool so I was nervous.

 It was funny actually meeting her at Brianna's party because having known Josh I'd wanted to meet her and had previously introduced myself when I worked at JCpenneys (I'd forgotten this and so had she). When we started talking she was like, "Hey did you work at JCPennies?" ..."Yup!!"  ... Ohh then I have met you! I thought it was weird I'd met two Emily's that talked to Josh in college and smoked before math with ... " Ha ha ha.

Tomorrow I'm going into Richland to meet Brianna's boss at Little Caeser's. Brianna is a head crew member there and is going to put in a good word to get me a job there. What's great about this job is that I know at least five of the employees-- Brianna's cousin Tawnee, Josh F., Josh's girlfriend Melanie, their friend Irina, and Josh's sister who unfortunately the name isn't coming up in my mind.. I hung out with all of them at Brianna's birthday recently and it was a great time. 

Alright well I'm gonna go take a run out in this heat. Try to get a little more color and get out of the house for awhile. Usually if I exercise I feel more motivated to practice guitar, too.

peace. 

Morning.

Fourth of July turned out to be more fun than originally anticipated-- of course everything is more fun when you've got a few tequila shots in your system and could give a rats who saw you that night.*

A very familiar group of faces, almost all of which graduated in my sister's class. I hadn't seen most of them in ages so it was fun catching up. I normally don't say much about my own life unless I'm asked but I remember telling a lot of people I was almost finished in business school. 

Taylor H. is planning to go to flight attendant school. I thought it was interesting this school teaches how to be a flight attendant exclusively because it seems like being a waitress in the air but no doubt there's a ton of protocol involved that I'm not even aware of. The pay is of course significantly better than a waitress too, I think she'll do really well at that.

This was the first 4th of July I can think of in years where the thought of still being single this time of year didn't bother me. As I've always said I'd much rather be single than be with someone I don't like that much, and I know the likelihood of meeting anyone this summer that would come close to what I felt for Joel is very unlikely.

I did start to have a crush earlier this summer but I don't think it's going anywhere. He seems to take too much of what I say literally, making it very difficult for me to comfortably communicate with him. If he decides he wants to get to know me further, cool, but otherwise I've dropped hope of a potential summer fling there.

Today I'm going floating with Kim G. and some of her friends so I need to get ready. I've been using tanning lotion every day on top of epiduo to make that stupid scarring on my forearm less noticeable to my parents. I know eventually it will go away entirely (sooner than later if I'm using epiduo or Differin which is meant to get rid of acne scars) but using tanning lotion has made the discoloration a lot less noticeable. So when I go to the river today I'll have a nice tan glow!

My body looks pretty good regardless of having not gone to the gym in a couple weeks. I try to stay active at home by running and doing workout videos on my computer every so often. While I've been back I've also been downloading a lot of new workout videos because my old ones are getting boring. My biggest diet enemy is beer, especially when there's a ton of it around here because my family doesn't really drink but my dad will buy it and think he might drink it eventually (lol).

peace.