Adoption from Armenia

Hey all. I'm in the library right now, FINALLY got to upload those drawings that I've done over the past few months.

 About half of the Armenian population is under the poverty line.

Today I read when I was randomly browsing around that adoption from Tajikistan is forbidden unless you're a citizen, which means that it's no longer a country that I'm considering adopting from someday. That being said, I think I'm sticking with Armenia to adopt my first child. http://adopt-abroad.com/armenia.htm <-Where I got information about it. I've also considered other countries, too.

When I'm 26 years old and settled in a career, I intend on adopting, whether I'm married or not. My plan is that I hope to someday have three kids, one that's biologically related to me and the other two adopted. I'm still on the fence about actually having one, though, but I know for sure that I want to adopt abroad. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to adopt one boy and one girl.

I've always seen myself adopting instead of having kids. I don't know why, but it's always struck me as being a better idea. I think the main reason that people have kids is because of the natural instinct to pass on their own genes, but personally I've never felt a need to do that. In fact, I would be afraid of passing on my genes. I live with anger problems, depression and anxiety every day-- something that was passed down from BOTH sides of my family (my Dad, my Grandpa, my Mom's Dad,... all have/had the same problems that I do in one way or another). I wouldn't want to pass that on to a perfect child and have them have to live through the Hell that I've put myself through. This is why I honestly think having children is not for me, and I hope that someday whoever I get married to can accept that. That's why I wrote "whether I'm married or not," because it's something that I'm DEFINITELY going to do.  

Maybe it's weird that I'm thinking about this now, but I'm twenty so I guess six years isn't that far away. And with all of the people that I know that are either pregnant or having kids, it's been on my mind. I'm of course not thinking about wanting kids now, though. 

I should really be studying... I was planning on doing a lot of Japanese homework today but haven't gotten to it yet. I'm happy it's the weekend now, and that I have the night to myself. Tomorrow I have to work (and on Saturday) but I still have a lot of time to get caught up with all my Japanese work and study for my math test. I need to try not to procrastinate that bad. Suddenly, though, I feel too light headed to study or get any work done. I'll probably just go home and play the sims for awhile. The house is all clean from last night because I thought me and Ryan were gonna be hanging out but then that didn't end up happening. I didn't really care though, at least the house was clean. 

Alrighty well, I'm gonna wrap this up.

peace

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S REALLY A LOSER, THIS IS WHERE I FEEL I BELONG...

Alright, my title has no relevance to what I'm going to write what-so-ever, but it's a really awesome line in "Snowblind" that I always sing in my car when it comes on. Right now, I'm downloading the Zune software onto my new computer and then hopefully I'll be able to get my two new CDs onto my Zune and listen to them tomorrow morning.

I got a couple great, but totally different from one another CDs. Babylon by Skindred and The Greatest Hits of Canned Heat. But yes, before you ask, I DO STILL buy CDs. Why? Well, for a number of reasons...

Emily's List of WHY I Still Buy CDs (when I have the computer skills to download songs online):

1. I don't trust anything illegally downloaded online. In the past I've destroyed computers with trying to download music with Limewire, MP3Raid, etc... Fact of the matter is, no matter what site you're using, there's always a risk that you're gonna download a virus and when you buy music legally you don't have to worry about it.

2. I'm too lazy to download tracks individually. Honestly, the only time that I do that is when I'm desperate to hear a certain artist but I'm too broke to buy a CD. Typically, if I like an artist enough to want an entire album, I'll buy one. Plus, if you download tracks sometimes you don't know if you're getting the full song. Like for instance, I downloaded "Nobody" by Skindred individually a few months back, and I'm listening to the track on the CD and it's like 2 minutes longer...

3. I like to support the artists themselves. Simply put.

 I've used about 5 gb of my 30 gb Zune. The thing is though, if I ever even come close to filling the whole thing, I can always delete some of the albums on there that I never listen too. Like somehow I ended up with like... six albums of Opeth from Robert's computer. Opeth IS pretty cool but that's just-- a lot. Usually the only time that I discover music on my zune is when I have it on shuffle, but with Opeth there songs are so long that I'm rarely in a mood that I want to listen to an eight minute metal song... Unless I'm on a road trip or something. And even then... Lately, I just like listening to more upbeat music.

There's something very satisfying about owning the CD itself. It's like, if my computer crashes or something, I'll at least still have it. Now that I've discovered buying CDs on Amazon, I'm gonna buy more of them when I can.

Today was pretty long... studied math for about three hours, for the first hour and a half or so being completely confused and ready to quit. But, I stuck with it, got help, and figured out chapter 10. I'm proud, now I just need to review and study and then I'll be good to go for the chapter 10 test not this next monday but the following one. Lots of time to review. I also need to step up my japanese homework. Sensee actually counted an assignment half credit for being late. I didn't even realize that she kept track of it because I've turned in so many assignments late that have never been docked. I really need to get all of it in by next monday. Next thursday is already the Chapter 11 test! Yikes! So yeah, that's obviously on my mind too. Seems like Japanese tests and math class come at the same time.

My mom called me weird for buying a Canned Heat CD. lol. I don't really care, I think they're cool.

Anyway, it's  almost 1. Me and Ryan errm-- WERE gonna hang out tonight but plans fell through somehow. That, and my phone is shut off. Lovely..

yours,

Emily



My head feels overloaded...

Haven't written in ages because I've been so freakin busy lately I don't have time to sit and write, nor do I have a computer at home to write on... and with the W building computer lab gone, I spend most of my time before Japanese class actually studying.

My writing in this entry is probably going to be really scrambled because I just can't think straight today. I guess it's a combination of stress and studying for hours on end every day...

I don't even fucking know where to begin. This tutoring center computer is annoying because it doesn't have a hand rest and the keyboard is wired to its location, which makes it really awkward to type.

Lets start with my new computer...

Ever since Mom returned the old #55 laptop to the highschool to get "Updated," my sister hoarded the only other computer and we got in constant fights about it. It got so bad that I went out and bought my own computer after my second paycheck (had about $600 in the bank, why the fuck not). Shawn Griffith convinced me when he told me that his "emachines" laptop only costed $200 and runs the sims 2 and all his music perfectly. My goal was then to find a computer similar to his-- not too flashy, doesn't have a lot of the extra garbage that makes computers more expensive. Cheap. Easy. Runs.

I went to Wal Mart and ended up finding a desktop computer that was only $320.00. One of the guy's that works in the electronics recommended it to me because he has one and said it was highspeed and has a TON of memory. However, the $320 bought everything you needed except for the screen. Not wanting to spend another $100, I drove home to see if I could possibly plug in the old screen from the shitty desktop Dell computer into the new one. I took a picture of the plug in (very standard, apparently) and drove back to wal mart.

When I got back to the electronics department, the original guy that recommended the computer to me was gone, and the only people at the front were this crack head looking woman and a man missing a front tooth. I couldn't tell which one I should ask if the port would match. I walked up and asked, "I need to talk to someone who knows a lot about computers." The man was preoccupied with dealing with someone with a $1300 purchase who wanted to void everything. He said to me, "That would probably be me, but I'm busy." They gave me NO direction what so ever. I just said fuck it and brought up the PC that I wanted to see if they would open it for me so I can look at the port.

They refused to open the box, and the toothless man walks over and pretty much snarles at me, "Yeah that one'll work..." [talking about desktop computer screen that I hadn't even shown him a picture of yet]. I argued, "Let me just show you a picture, please, so we can make sure." And then he barked back, "Well I can SHOW you what the cord looks like quicker than you can get that up on your phone." So, SO rude. Here I am, trying to make a $300 purchase and they're treating me like I'm an inconvience. Finally, he ended up seeing the picture, I bought the computer, and headed toward the front door to get the fudge out of there.

When I was almost out of the door, one of the front greeter ladies stops me to see my reciept. No problem, I thought, I had the reciept right there in my hand. She looks at it and shakes her head. She tells me, "Don't buy one of those computers, they're just awful. I had one and it crashed on me in a year." I was pretty concerned, and wondering if I should take it back. She starts telling me some story about how bad this computer ran and how her son built her a new one. I then asked her, "Was it the exact same computer?" and she responds, "No. Not the same. This was a long time ago."

So the whole story she told me about *this* computer was about some damn early 2000's emachine that she got a long time ago. So again, Wal Mart, you almost lost a $300 purchase. I intend on writing the company and maybe getting some free stuff out of this. I can't believe that garbage. Granted, I wouldn't want to get any of the employees fired or "trained" by mentioning names. I actually appreciate the elderly greeter lady giving me a warning, but it's irrelevant if they're not even the same computers. . . .

Anyway, the computer ended up running fine. I downloaded the sims with no problems. I am now very happy that I get to play the game that I've wanted to play for months now.

Now about math...

I've been working my ass off in math lately. I've been practically living in the tutoring center during any off work time to study this garbage Math 98 is throwing at me. It's gotten really hard, and Lambert is a terrible teacher, and nobody in my class understands what the hell is going on. I continue to get lost, and it sucks. Every day is a new day of at first understanding and then getting very confused as we get more in-depth into the chapter. I came into the tutoring center today to study math but I didn't get any significant help. The cute tall guy with brown hair tried helping me but all he really did was do the problem without really explaining how he got from one point to the next. That's really helpful, ugh. I'm just planning on sitting down at home and looking at it later. Maybe some time away from schoolwork will help me later.

I've been studying hard in Japanese too. This morning we had a vocab test and again, I managed to ace it with flash cards and rigorous study in the morning. I show up to school an hour and a half early to study out in the hall and I made up flash cards a couple days ago and I've been looking at them periodically as well. Japanese is no longer that fun, but my speaking and reading is getting SO much better so it's worth it. Like literally, I can now form basic present and past tense sentences (as well as "doing currently" or te-form sentences) almost effortlessly. It's exciting, my work is starting to pay off. Though I've been going back and forth a lot if I want to take Japanese V, I think I should continue and get as much out of this that I can.

That reminds me. I finally got first dibs on class registration. I registered yesterday morning, and got all the classes I need. I'm taking a full course load, though I don't technically *have to* to graduate. My parents want me to take an accounting course so I can see if I'd be any good at it or not.

So I'm taking Accounting 201 with Key at 8 AM, then Visual Basic at 9 AM, then Japanese at 11:30-12:30. And that's every day, no more of this 2 day a week class crap. I'm not planning on doing that again, anyway. It's going to be a LOT of work, but luckily they cut my hours back at work so I'll be able to do it. School is stressful, but when I get down about it I just think of how miserable I get when I have NO stress. Stress for me is good, it keeps my mind off of other things like my many anxieties.

So lastly, I think I should mention this...

I don't know if I've mentioned already that me and Ryan have been hanging out, but we have. For a few days it was like, every day we were together. We haven't hung out since a few nights ago when he called me drunk at 2 am and wanted to come over to my house when I was in bed, had my makeup off, hadn't looked good that day anyway, and I refused to go out and see him. He had been with Troy that night and I know damn well they were intoxicated.
I am sort of on the fence about this whole thing. I like Ryan-- he's really fun to be around, hilarious, my parents like him and I'd actually be able to hang out with him without them getting on my case, etc... But honestly, the fact that he's friends with Jack makes me sort of sick. I hate hearing about Jack at ALL, and Troy brings him up every so often and I have to try REALLY hard to not be negative. I never, ever, ever want to see or hear about Jack or Jessica Small again. They're the only people in the world that I know that I sincerely hate. I hate them more than I ever hated anyone who I *thought* I hated at the time-- like Nikki for instance. I don't hate Nikki, and never did. I was annoyed by her, but I didn't know the true meaning of hate until now.

That being said, the fact that Jack is Ryan's friend is a problem-- though not a huge problem because Jack doesn't come around often enough for it to make a difference. So, I'm just gonna play it by ear. More than likely nothing will end up working out like always and I have nothing to worry about! Lol, it cracks me up that I have zero trust or expectations for anyone's supposid interest in me anymore.

Alright, this is getting pretty negative. I should probably head home. I don't want to be at school at all anymore.

yours,
Emily

I never thought I'd HOPE math would speed up...

Miranda's over there itching the hell out of her ear. Stop doing that, mira!! You'll end up with one of those broken blood vessels like Tabitha.

Tonight's been a pretty chill night. Today was one of my very busy wednesdays so I have spent a few hours not doing much of anything to let my brain relax awhile. So much to say in this one entry. My previous budget entry is pretty much null and void because I'm not going to be making as much money as I used too.

Why? Because yesterday I got the rude awakening that my hours are being cut, drastically. They hired this new, wacky cigarette smoking lady sometime last week. She looks like she's in her 50's but she could be my Dad's age. I'm not really sure... She tries to be really nice but she looks like she's been through a lot and I'm sure she could turn on a dime if I'm not careful. The thing is, the way I look at it is this-- if someone is applying for a cashier job at Rite Aid and they're over 40 years old, they probably REALLY need that money. She said she's been helping raise her grandbaby (unsure what gender, she always says Grandbaby. Probably heard it like 20 times yesterday) for the past few years. Anyway, she got hired as a closing cashier and now my hours have gone down from 30+ hours a week to... 13. I was like what the fuck is this shit? So I'm gonna talk to Jodi about it. I don't know why they cut my hours so much. I thought I'd been doing a pretty good job. Maybe because I'm the youngest one there they threw me under the bus? Maybe they think they're doing me a favor because I'm a full time student? I really don't know. If they don't bump up my hours to at least 20 hours a week, I'm considering getting a second part time job.

I still gotta focus on my grades though, which brings me to today. Just this week I've fallen somewhat behind in Japanese. Of course I always feel that way at the beginning of the new grammar. I've just been working so much that I get stressed and don't have much initiative to study it. I need to keep chugging though. I've got 105% in that class overall, which technically isn't supposed to be possible according to Kim Money. Well it is! I've gotten extra credit on my homework AND got 100%+ on all my tests. Kim says that she's an easy grader, too. Ehh... I've looked at the grade book. Though for privacy purposes you can only see student ID numbers, I first know that I have one of the highest grades in the class, and secondly I know that I saw quite a few 60-70% grades... Idk why I was sort of insulted by Kim's comment. I guess I just take pride in how hard I've worked in Japanese, even if Sensee is a sweetheart and gives even people that rarely study every opportunity in the world to raise their grade.

Today after Japanese I spent most of my time studying math. I packed a really cute and healthy bento this morning, which managed to hold me over until a chicken sandwich that my sister made me for dinner at 8', that's pretty impressive.

Cute ain't it? Ended up throwing away the cheese though because it got melty and greesy. Eww. The chicken and rice reheated was really good though!

Anyway, math...

Went into the tutoring center, and sat down to some of the most intimidating garbage I've seen in awhile-- Simplifying Radicals. I have always been somewhat unsure about power rules and fractions, even if Zhang cleared it up a LOT in math 96... that being said, it took me awhile to get the hang of it. There was this nice guy sitting across from me named Luis who is taking calculus that helped me with my work and explained VERY clearly how to do what I was working on. I gave him my facebook address so we can be friends, he's really cool.

I don't know if he knows how much I really do appreciate his help though, as today it seemed I was one of the only ones in my class that understood the material. Lambert always asks for answers, and I call them out because I'm so desperate to move on. They're computational answers, like, she'll have a fraction that can be simplified and will ask "which simplifies too..?" and she'll ask us very simple multiplication (more than two digits) that she can't do off the top of her head to make sure we're following along and that she doesn't have to whip out her calculator. In a sense, I know I'm doing her a favor, but I hate being that "know it all" in class. But I'm sure I'm not pissing people off as much as that one idiot that sits to the right of me. He's this hispanic guy who reminds me a lot of Emi Gonzalez looks wise, and even sounds like him... He'll ask questions that Lambert has JUST ANSWERED and he'll talk through the answer. It's annoying and he does is over and over through out class and it makes it nearly impossible to get the material done.

I got kind of a nasty look from the black guy who sits to the left of Kim that I actually thought was kind of cool. I'm hoping he doesn't think I was rolling my eyes at him when he asked a question-- the 20th question in a row practically over the same section, 10.2, that I had just studied for two hours in the tutoring center... Don't get me wrong! I have no problem with people asking questions if they need help! That's what a teacher is there for, and it's not like I don't need review-- math isn't my strong subject at all and I have to work really hard at it. But this hispanic kid that asks questions again and again and again that she just explained makes me extremely frustrated, and I know he's having the same effect on others. In fact, about a quarter of the class left today before we even got a chance to talk about section 10.4. Chapter 10 has almost been enjoyable though. I felt such a sense of accomplishment when I figured out what I was doing. I'm still feeling confident in Math 98. Feels GREAT for once.



It's already almost time to start thinking about class registration. I'm happy, this quarter I think I get first dibs. I want to take accounting, this stupid computer programming class, and maybe Japanese V. But the first two classes come first... I HAVE to take an accounting class before I even consider majoring in business. Can you guys believe it? I'm almost done with my AA! How exciting, my LAST quarter!

I'm starting to drag on. I'm getting tired.

night all

Emily

Current finances. Budget.

This blog entry is quite bland, so I'm gonna add a music video.

I love this song. I've taken a weird liking to blues rock lately.

Hello everyone!


It's the 15th, which means I'm sort of thinking about halloween now. I'm happy that I do have an initiative to dress up, gonna be helping with the Japanese club halloween event. Because it's for school though, I can't really dress in anything too sexy. I was thinking a fairy costume this year. Originally, I wanted to do Toad from super mario brothers, but I don't have the time, patience or finances to do a good cosplay.

That being said, this is what I need for a good fairy costume:

-My black leggings,
-Wings
-False eyelashes
-Maybe some cute but wacky nails to match the wings (store bought)
-Colored hair pieces.

I can actually get a lot of this stuff at work. I got the new sales for Sunday and all of their halloween stuff is 50% off. That being said, because I'm getting paid on Wednesday, I'll have a good amount of money saved up.

I'm happy about how much I spent! even with going back and forth to school, and periodically buying food, I only spent about $115. I know that sounds like a lot for a week and a half, but it's really not. I had to spend most of it on gas... Here's my statement:

$284.00 available in checking

$449.00 in savings

My savings account hasn't been touched since my two deposits. That's a good thing. Hopefully it'll stay that way and that I won't get desperate for a computer and pull from it.

Gas totals:

$11.00 from Exxon mobile

$18.25 at shell

 *Note, my mom very kindly gave me $20 for gas the other day. 

So that's about $50 for gas since 10/07. Eight days. So my budget should be planned accordingly to set aside at least $50 for gas a week. ..As sad as that is. But going to pasco and back doesn't pay for itself.

Food totals:
From 10/07-10/14. From most recent to least recent. Couldn't put dates on these because they weren't accurate (the site displays when the payments went through, not necessarily the day it was purchased. I seperated them with spaces to guess how many were made in a day. This is just for absolutely necessary food purchases, not restaurants.

 Hawks Nest $3.29. Coffee and Bagel.

Hawks Nest $4.77
PB&J cause the bagel I brought was rotten.

$1.50. Pepsi. 

$4.01. Starbucks.
Had to get myself a coffee. This was the night I spent at Jessica's and had school the next day. 

 $4.61. Rite Aid.

Powerbar and an Amy's lunch. Arizona tea.

$2.07. Rite Aid. 

Probably a 5 hour energy shot.

$5.79. Rite Aid.

Lunch. I hadn't been packing them because of lack of food at home.

$3.87. Rite Aid. 

Lunch.

$3.10. Rite Aid.

Probably a snack for a late shift.

 _________________________

$33.01 on food in 8 days. 

This can be improved by packing my own lunches more often. I've been making an effort with this the past few days. It's just not very much to eat around here. Once I get my next paycheck, I might need to start buying produce for myself and add that to my budget. Just $20 a week would make a big difference, and save me money in the long run because I'm not spending as much on food.

Fun Totals: 

$24.55. Sushi Nori.

Went out to eat 10/07 on my pay day. I took Samantha out to dinner. Pretty worth while purchase.

I have gone out more often than this, but I've been really good about not spending money when I go out. I haven't really had that much time for this category because of school and work. 

So yeah, overall I did pretty good. Now I'm thinking about my next paycheck and planning out how I'm going to save money these next two weeks. I don't know what my paycheck is going to look like. I doubt it'll be more than the last one, but I hope it's not too much less. I'm going to try to figure out what I'm owed, or at least get a good guess.... I'm going to use my facebook to figure out what days I worked before 10/10.

Work Totals:

Sat Oct. 8th, 8 hour shift. $69.36

Sun Oct 9th, 6 hour shift. $52.02

Tues Oct 11, 8 hour shift. $69.36

Friday, Oct. 14. 8 hour shift. $69.36

(30 hour work week)

Sun Oct. 16 11-7, 8 hour shift. $69.36

Tues Oct 17, 2-10:15, 8 hour shift. $69.36

 Get paid Wednesday....

Friday, 4-10:15, 6 hour shift. $52.02

Saturday, 4-10:15, 6 hour shift. $52.02

(30 hour work week again)

Approx. total for Wednesday, Oct. 19: $398.82

BUT, stupid taxes. So approx total - $35.89 for 9% income tax

=$362.93

Hurray! That's not a bad paycheck at all. WAY more than I was ever making at Toys R Us last year, that's for damn sure. I'd probably only get about $150 or so back then. 

If I am very good at savings until Wednesday, and only use the money that is going to be given to me for the estate sale today for gasoline, then I'm going to have approx $250.00 on Wednesday. So my approximate amount of money in my checking account after my next paycheck will be:

Checking: $250+$305= $555

Savings: $449+$57= $506

I think around $60 will be sufficient for my savings account for these two weeks. 

I'll think about what I need to buy more later. The main thing that's on my mind right now is gas (as always), food (as always), and a new halloween costume. I'd like to maybe take Katelynn out to dinner when I get paid, too. That'd be nice. I guess sushi is sort of my reward to myself for working so hard. For the next couple weeks however, I intend on spending less money on food, or at least making an effort to do so by packing a lunch at home. I did buy a little $6 thermal lunch jar at rite aid, which I used for lunch a couple days this last week. It's already paid for itself.

yours,

Emily

I've listened to this song like three times, the first time laughing my ass off because it was horrible and then I realized how much I actually like it. Canned heat is the best music ever!!

okay maybe I smoked a little. But I can see why the hippies liked this music so much. It's so amazing and happy!!

Actually no, this song is the best. I've been listening to Canned Heat for like an hour now, and I think I'm freakin delirious. But this is GOOD MUSIC even if most other people would think this is weird.

Canned heat also did the song Jamiroquai for the nepoleon dynamite movie.

Three hours until my math class... so I'm in the library screwing around.

BUT, I don't feel guilty about this. Luck somehow ended up in my favor this morning. Last night I partied at Faraday's house after work and I brought along my school work so I could save myself a drive into Pasco. When I got to school this morning after getting up and getting ready super early at Faraday's, I find out that I LEFT all my Japanese stuff at home. I was irritated, but decided that I didn't want to drive all the way home. I almost did... I was really close, especially when I realized I also forgot my calculator at home. Luck ended up being on my side though when I overheard that sensee wasn't at school today and that classes were cancelled.

Eureka, no driving home! And on top of that, I had a ton of time to do my math homework. I spent about four hours in the tutoring center studying math and getting the homework assignments that I probably should of done this weekend finished. There were a couple guys sitting across from me that were doing their calculus homework who started talking to me when they noticed my random paper that I had in my binder that had Japanese on it. So yeah, overall, good day so far. Got a lot of math done. That's quite the accomplishment for me.

This weekend Ryan Wolfe randomly showed up at my house after this party that he had gone too, and we sat in his car and talked for like three hours about random crap. He made me laugh sooo hard about things that I don't even know if he realized was that funny. It's weird, we've known eachother since we were really little kids, and that was the first time I ever actually had a conversation with him. The next day I had work at 10 am, and we had been talking until 3 am. I was SO tired.

Whenever I'm in the library and there's somebody on facebook, I wonder how someone would react if I randomly went to THEIR facebook profile and just sat there browsing around. I mean people look at random people's profiles all the time, but how awkward would it be to discover somebody else that just happens to be on yours? If I had the balls to do so, that would be so funny. This girl sitting next to me is Russian, she's so gorgeous. Why are foriegn girls so pretty??

I think it's just about being different. Like, if I went to another country maybe some people would think I'm pretty because I'M foriegn...

Cause we all know how hot American women are known for being. Yes, I know that picture is a fake picture of Britney Spears. hahaha

I'm wondering when the hell I'm supposed to have my next payment in for CBC. I'm gonna talk to the cashier about it now so that my dad knows ahead of time and I don't get screamed at. Makes me cring thinking about dealing with that again.

It's raining out and the bottom of my pants are wet. I had to roll them up and now I look like I complete dork but I don't really care.

yours,

Emily



I wanna be sedated.

 

Here's a funny random picture that I found in my mom's computer of Andy Wingart when he was a kid. He used to come over to my house a lot. I doubt he even remembers that we were ever friends. 

I should probably be sleeping right now. I have school tomorrow, but I am writing for the hell of it.

Today work was really long, yet fast at the same time. Linda was my manager, which is nice because she's cool-- but sometimes I get nervous that I'm going to piss her off. There were a lot of couponers today but I'm getting the hang of it.

Last night I hung out at Chris's house and partied with a bunch of his friends. I really like Edward Pestis, he's nice and really welcoming. His friends are all really nice too. It was my first day off to party in weeks. Originally I had other plans but they fell apart after I took Samantha out to dinner at Sushi Mori, so I went over to Chris's and I'm glad I went. When I got there a few girls were sitting in Edward's room and Chris and his bandmates were playing. It was a little awkward but once we once I met everyone it was cool. We went to Wal Mart to get snacks and Chris wore my black button up jacket, which looked pretty hilarious. I met Edward's girlfriend and some of her friends, all of which were pretty laid back. I had some pretty awkward moments with them though-- like when none of them got a family guy reference. When we were in wal mart there was this prize drawing in a salon and one of the prizes was for a month of maid service. On the poster was this stereotypical 1950's white lady with a vacuum, and I said "You know the maid isn't going to look like that. She's going to look like Consuela. We need more lemon pledge." They just kind of looked at me like I was racist and crazy.

I got really tired around 1 am. Everyone else was going to watch The Human Centipede-- which I 100% REFUSED to watch, or even catch a glimpse of, so me and Chris ended up crashing in the living room. I ended up leaving my purse in Edward's room where they were watching the movie, having realized that I should of probably told my mom where I was... but didn't want to go in there while that movie was on and potentially see something disturbing. This ended up getting me into a LOT of trouble. My mom had no idea where I was last night, and got really nervous about it.I got yelled at by both of my parents this morning.

I finally talked to Katelynn, for the first time in 2 weeks or so. She's been really busy and so have I, but I miss her really bad and I hope we get together soon. We've got a lot to catch up on. She's been really having a good time with Alan lately. I'm kind of jealous of her simultaneous good relationship with her new boyfriend.

yours,
Emily

Yesterdays got nothing for me.

Hilarious picture of me and Robert I found from homecoming my senior year.

Didn't go to prom, but this was definately the best formal I went to during highschool.

I've been going through my mom's computer, looking at pictures. I even uploaded some of them to facebook because my albums from my senior and junior/sophomore year are pretty empty for the most part. These pictures make me smile, making me feel pretty nostalgic and happy that some parts of highschool were actually good. I guess I felt like writing this after writing a couple days ago about how seeing that football picture made me sick.

The reason that I've been writing about my past I guess is because I'm in a very transitional period of my life. With community college almost being over, I'm about to go out on my own. Things have gone by pretty fast since highschool ended, but looking at these pictures make me realize how much I've changed and matured since then.



Though this picture is too bad for facebook even now, I freakin love this picture. Here's me and Katharine the day of my graduation. We had made potatos after going through this long rant to my mom about how potatos should of been served with the fried chicken I insisted on having at my graduation party. That day went by so fast it was like a flipping blur.

This picture makes me especially realize how much I've changed since my senior year. I look a lot younger. In all of these pictures I always have super tan arms and a white chest from playing sports.

I uploaded a lot more of them but that's all I care to share on here. I am planning on going to bed here in a few as soon as I get this done, better take my happy sleep pills. . .  Yeaah, I've been taking motion sickness pills to help me sleep better at night. They've been working really well and help me keep me sleep schedule to somewhat of a routine. Well, except for tonight. I felt like staying up sort of late tonight because tomorrow is my only day off of work for awhile. This is how my weeks have been panning out lately, and probably will be for awhile if my schedule continues...

Sundays: Working all day, practically... until about 4-6' or so. My shifts start earlier, end earlier.

Mondays: STUDYSTUDYSTUDY. No Rite aid, but a shit ton of studying and work for the week ahead. Probably from not getting a chance to study on the weekend.

Tuesdays: School, then work. End at 10', or at least that's how it's been.

Wednesdays: STUDYSTUDYCRAMCRAM. like today. No Rite Aid.

Thursdays: School then work OR my only real opportunity for a day off because no math class and only Japanese in the morning.

Fridays: Work all day.

Saturdays: Work all day.

Yup. Getting my first real paycheck tomorrow though, so that's exciting. I'm wondering if my money is in the bank yet. Guess I'll know tomorrow morning. I'm planning on stopping into wal mart and checking my bank statement. If the money transfered yesterday, though, it might not show up on an atm. I fucking hate direct deposit. I wish my mom had never insisted on that.... I have to transfer money into my savings anyway.

Oh! Which reminds me. My mom was trying to get me to use the money from my SAVINGS account-- the special one just for college, on a new computer. She says that because she's tired of hearing me and my sister argue about the computers. She returned the one that I used this summer because I'm very rarely ever home anymore, which is understandable, but now any time that I am home it's a struggle to use one at all. My sister feels a sense of ownership over #2 (the computer number from my mom's office) just because she's downloaded a bunch of shit onto it. Like her crappy music, for instance. So even if I just want to use it for a few minutes she come up with some big, dumb excuse-- like having to use it for her homework. Bullshit, Avery. You know as well as I do that you never actually do your homework before 11:30 pm.

I however will NOT use my savings money. I won't touch it until April 1st. Period. And I will continue to put money in it as if I'm paying a bill. My mom doesn't understand this concept because she doesn't know how to save money. But it'll pay off, I swear. PLUS, I already went through the whole, proud ordeal of setting up a savings account. In order to even start one you need at least $300 to put in there, and if you have less than that amount the bank will charge you on a monthly basis. No thanks. I can save for a computer myself in my main account. In a matter of no time I'll have more than enough to purchase one, and STILL have money to survive on. That's another thing she doesn't realize. Now that I'm making money, I do NOT want to be broke again. This summer was HELL, I HATEHATEHATE being broke-- so unless I have an ample amount of money to support a splurge for a computer that's actually worth it, I'm going to go without. More than likely, I'll just end up getting one for christmas.

Today was overall a productive day. I got up at about 10:30.. skipped Japanese class because I felt like crap. My throat was killing me, I could barely talk, and I was coughing up a storm. Besides, I had to study for math and could use all the time I could muster. I sat down to the table at about 11 to get through some of 8.2 and realized that I knew NOTHING Lambert had been teaching us. This made me nervous, and almost in tears. I cannot fail math 98-- if I do, I'll be stuck here until the fall!!! NO!!!!

So I decided to take it into my own hands and not bitch and moan. I barely threw any makeup on, wore some shorts and a tank top and my pumas, and got out the door in about 10 minutes. I got to the math tutoring center and studied my ass off for about 4 hours. I got help from tutors that came by periodically, but I figured it out for the most part on my own. So here I am, math 98, pretty much teaching myself again.

Because Lambert's teaching methods don't work for me. Period. Don't get me wrong, she's a very kind lady! She just explains things into too much detail and answers way too many questions. Like today, I slaved over this homework section in the book that was ALL story problems-- they're called Mixture problems, which involve two variables and solving for certain scenarios. But, to my advantage a LOT of the problems were about money. This made the problems clearer for me, and I found them very easy to solve. I love working with money! Maybe it's a career option for me. My parents are convinced it's my calling.

So today I spent a total of SIX HOURS doing math. Between the studying in the tutoring center and my two hours of math class-- that's a lot of math for one day. I do however, feel CONFIDENT about this class. I can do this, this isn't hard! It's not that much harder than 97, it's just new concepts. I'll figure it out, and unlike this summer, I don't just have myself (and whatever random person is willing to help me, though the only one that ever did was Brad which I am eternally greatful for) to figure this out. I have Ashley Bowen, Kim, and that group that studies in the hub, and most of all I have the math tutoring center. It's going to be VERY helpful for me this quarter.

That being said, today was a good day. I'm proud of myself.

I'm going to bed though, I'm feeling pretty sleepy.

yours,

Emily

School needs to become more of an importance.

It's obvious that my grades are going down.

I got an 88% on a Japanese quiz today, which is actually bad for me. I usually score 105% haha. On a more serious note, I'm aware that I bombed a math quiz. I was shaking the whole way through in anger and disgust in myself. I can't stand the way that she (my math teacher) teaches and I dread going to her class, but at least I'm getting some instruction. I need to study harder though. This class is NOT going to be a sinch, it's going to be HARD, and I need to somehow find the time to study. Work has been really putting a tole on my study habits, obviously, because I have hardly any spare time at all. Tomorrow I work from 2-10.... that leaves me no time to study unless I do in the early morning.

I am starting to dread going to school because I feel unprepared. Tonight I'm going to stay up until 12 studying. That gives me about an hour for japanese and an hour and a half for math. That'll be sufficient to feel okay with myself, I hope. I'm just having a really hard time lately.... Maybe I should request less hours at work, if possible. I do have that option. But I think I CAN wing this. Other students do it. In fact most students I know have jobs... why should this be so hard for me? Because I'm a perfectionist? Probably. I just need to dedicate 3 hours a day to studying. Which is at least 1.5 hours of math and 1.5 hours of Japanese. That I can do AND still keep my busy work schedule. It just requires cutting a lot of sleep and a lot of my social life. Lets do this.

yours
emily

Happy Birthday to me.

Hey yall.

Haven't written in ages because I've been really busy with work. Lately I've been working for like, eight or nine hours every day and going to school. I've also been hanging out with some new friends on my off time, so I haven't really been online. It's 11:26-- so it's almost my birthday! It was Katelynn's birthday today, but because I worked all day I didn't even get a chance to wish her a happy birthday until about 20 minutes ago.

I feel sick, I've had a bad cough and a sore throat all day. The sudafed helped some this morning, but by the end of the night I was like.. shit, I'm coughing all over. My voice was horse and raspy. Right now I'm drinking a very light beer that feels great on my throat. Tonight I'm gonna sleep good, so I'm probably going to write until my computer dies and go to bed.

I spend all day on my feet but I need to still watch what I eat because I'm not getting a chance to work out. I'm gonna still try to do pilates whenever I can. I also need to watch-- FOR SURE-- most importantly, how much I study. I haven't had much time lately at all. Tomorrow I need to wake up early and get a few hours of study in, if at all possible. Just work on my math... I'm already falling behind and it sucks. I'm not used to this hecticness, and at 2 weeks in I feel pretty overwhelmed. I'm looking forward to my first real paycheck, and now that I'm getting used to my job it'll get much, much easier.

Check out this picture that Gisselle posted under her "oldies" folder. I tagged myself once I realized I was in it. This was from my sophomore year, which I'm pretty sure was the most awkward, miserable year of my life other than 7th. It was miserable. That was back when lovely Kandyce Alley hated me and went out of her way to make my life a living hell after I pissed her off at the Warped Tour concert. Lovely!

But don't get me wrong, Kandyce isn't even half the reason why that year sucked. Nope, there's TONS more shit that I could go on about. There was a lot of reasons.

-Being in a fight with Katharine,
-Feeling alone,
-Being in a grudge with Haley,
-My awful tennis season of getting destroyed.
-Talking to Jack who ended up calling me for dating advice with rich, beautiful Alice from freakin' Milan. How the fuck could I have competed with that?

-After the Chino relationship, Chino STILL being involved with my life and talking about me all over the place.

-Hardly getting any playing time during soccer season and getting depressed about it.

..The list goes on. Fucking horrible year. That picture literally makes me sick just looking at it. Most of the people that made my life miserable at Ki-Be can rot in hell. Sometimes, it makes me sad looking at pictures like this because though I wouldn't relive highschool again for a million dollars (having accomplished as much as I did with sports, there's no way), I just wish I could of had more friends, went to parties, did things that most highschool kids got to do but didn't because I was pretty much completely alone until my junior year, when I started hanging out with Robert, Skyler, Dylan (somtimes), Logan, and Tyler. My senior year I didn't really give a shit about people because I was going to cbc and trying to get my last hurrah with sports. Didn't actually spend much time at the highschool though.

By the way, figured out what System of a Down lyrics I'm getting as a tattoo..

Dreams are made winding, through my head. Through my head.

It's from the song Spiders. Not actually one of my favorite songs by them, but it's very significant. My entire life, I've over thought things. I'm very much... in my head. There's not a minute that goes by that I'm not thinking of something. It's driven me to the point of practically-- insanity. So I think that's a good tattoo to get. System of a Down itself is the first rock band I ever got into, and continues to be my favorite band to this day. And speaking of highschool, they helped me SURVIVE it. I really got into them my sophomore year when Robert burned me the CDs. I remember listening to them when I was depressed about Chad not liking me as much as I liked him, listening to them to get pumped before games, blaring it in my car, etc... I was actually really into Coheed and Cambria BEFORE learning all of System's stuff, SOAD DID start my love of rock music.

I remember it so clearly. I was in the 7th grade, sitting in the backseat of the old Ford Taurus. We were listening to the same bullshit music on 98.3-- and at that point in my life I thought rap music was the shit, even though I never actually related to any of it. Hypnotise just HAPPENED to come on, and when I heard that beginning guitar line I was immediately in love. Though I'd heard it before, I hadn't realized how much I'd loved it until then. At the time I had a really shitty little mp3 player and downloaded, well, one of the shittier songs by them; though some might not agree, Prison Song. I listened to that in class and realized that I didn't like it much, and sort of forgot about it for awhile. The next year, at a school dance in the 8th grade, the song BYOB came on during a dance, and me and Whitney Diaz were jumping up and down having a freakin blast when a lot of people were sitting on the side because they didn't like the song, but I sure as hell realized that I loved rock, and from that point on I put rap aside. I listen to hip hop on occasion, but very rarely. I can't stand most of it, and probably couldn't stand most of it back then too. I practically lived with just the bullshit on the radio until I was 13.

I guess this is why System is so important to me. Because without them, I really wouldn't of ever gotten into metal, which would of changed my life entirely. I probably would of never had a healthy outlet with my anger problems. Metal music has helped me with that for years because when I'm enraged, it helps me feel not as alone I guess. Maybe I would of started cutting or something as an outlet instead. If I would of never gotten into System, I probably never would of connected with Robert Mosley on anything either. Then I wouldn't have a lot of the great memories I have with him, or any of my other metal head friends. Rock music connected me and Katelynn, too. Without rock, all we would of had as a common interest was anime, and since we both burnt out on that our love of Coheed and Cambria held us together. Never would of gotten into Coheed if I hadn't of been watching Fuse one day (which, that hour was all rock. See how this is all coming together?)

Ha, it's almost 12:30 AM. First half hour of my damn birthday. I can't believe it, I'm no longer a teenager. I can now tell people that I'm TWENTY years old. Granted, it's not drinking age yet, but that's still very scary to me. It's the end of innocence. Yet, I know that great things are ahead. It's time to stop living my life so miserably. Because I realized that literally I've been living the last 20 years of my life unsatisfied and pretty much miserable. You only live once, which with this lovely phobia I had with Wellbutrin I really began to realize, and I want to live my life to the fullest. There's no use being miserable and feeling unfulfilled even if I'm doing all that I can to reach my huge, long term goals.

So I might as well talk a little more about my day. Tonight it was pretty much just me and Linda, and we weren't very busy. I guess a bit busier because of the home game at Hanford, but for the most part, even if our parking lot was completely full, it was slow. I've got that stupid register down, aside from the loopholes in making returns. I've also learned where the cigarettes are located, what 100's are versus shorts, that most people like Paul Maul reds versus the other colors, that most people like Marlboro lights, that Pyramids are cheaper, and only young people around my age get Camel 99's. I've also learned how to deal with tax exempts, and I'm dealing with coupons quick and efficiently. From doing frieght I've also learned about the store's layout, and now can help customers more effectively as well. This is a good success for me because now that work has gotten easier, I don't DREAD going there. I feel more confident, and when work is easier, so will being able to focus more on school.

Linda is cool though, and really helpful. I enjoy working with her more than my other supervisors for the most part. I get very nervous of offending Claudia or her daughter Tammy. Don't get me wrong, they're both very nice and helpful as well, but I feel like when I'm around them I'm on eggshells because I don't want to accidently curse or say something stupid. I'm happy, my cursing has gone down a lot since I started working. I still cuss like a sailor at home, but at work I very rarely do.

I'm gonna go to bed now, sayonara.

yours,

Emily