Why do I feel out of it even when something good happens?

Last night I got really drunk for the first time in my life.

I know I thought it was awhile back when I was with just me and Katelynn but I lied. One can of Joose (they're pretty big and really strong) and I was completely wasted. Therefore, I don't remember much from last night, but I know it was a really good night overall. For some reason I'm slightly humiliated by the whole ordeel because I don't know WHAT I said to Guy or anything...

This picture cracks me up. This was on the couch at Katelynn's.

We cannot seem to take a very good picture together at all.

This morning, he seemed disappointed by the fact that I can't remember what we were talking about at all in my car last night. I know I told him a big drawn out story that he brought up but I shouldn't of told him in the first place. I just feel like everything I said last night was probably word vomit.. So I don't know why he would WANT me to remember what I said.

We haven't talked very much today. I got like one text from him this morning asking if I was still alive. Probably because this morning I puked like twenty times and got really dehydrated and ugh... Alcohol just does not work well with my body. Originally I just thought it was really low alcohol tolerancy but now I realize that there is something physically that makes it so I get these horrendously bad hangovers with just one or two drinks. I look at these people that take like six or more shots of hard alcohol and I wonder WHY they would want to do that with how I felt this morning.

I felt really lame... and ugly this morning, after puking over and over. I woke him up at about 4:30 AM (he kept on going in and out of sleep because I kept on waking him up to move him) and took him back to Cory's. I was so exausted that I had to listen to Rammstein to keep me awake.

The way that I wrote this makes it seem like plans didn't go as I'd planned. It was a fun day, I just felt a little bit guilty this morning because I feel like I've been partying way too much and it's effecting my health. I think in this week where I have planned on "doing whatever the fuck I want too," I have felt really sick and worn out a lot and I think I need to go back to the old grind. Not saying I want to discontinue hanging out with my friends, but I need to slow the substance use a lot.  

I think my perscription is making it so that I'm not really happy feeling about anything. I'm content.. but happiness wise I never really feel happy lately. I just feel lonely and empty-- and sort of humiliated about things which makes me feel insecure. I'm NOT insecure, that's the thing. I mean I'm  not typically. But I think this medication is making is so that I feel insecure because I am so paranoid. Wellbutrin isn't doing much for me, aside from helping with staying awake because it's a stimulant anti-depressent. I'm considering adding a second drug to go with the wellbutrin to help combat this weird shifty feeling that I've been going through for the past couple months where I stress on things that don't matter at all and because of this can't seem to enjoy anything. All day my parents have been asking me if I'm okay because I haven't really said anything to anyone.

So, tomorrow here is my plan/goal:

-Play bass for 2 hours (not all at once, throughout the day).

-Keep computer use to a minimal.

-Recap on Japanese for two hours.

-Do pilates.

-PICK UP PERSCRIPTION.

-Make doctors appointment

-Buy some new Shampoo/Conditioner as well as some new PhotoReady powder.

yours,

Emily