Learning to say No.

Saying No seems to be a huge challenge for me.

Whether it's with making plans, buying stuff, telling people things-- it's just really hard for me to say "No" because I have this weird sense deep down that if I say "No" I'll somehow disappoint someone or miss out on something. I've been trying to work on this, and after some deep thought last night I've really come to the conclusion that saying no is going to play a huge role in learning to respect myself. Because I need to keep in consideration my health, my money, my success, my consequences; when making these decisions. Granted, there are always things that I will say no too, such as:
-Doing drugs. Actual drugs, mind you. And cigarettes. Ef both of those.

-Heavy drinking in places where I'm really uncomfortable or don't know anyone. Ef that, too. I want to be in control in those situations.

-Stupid free dental screenings at CBC. Yeah, like I want some rookie dental assistant poking around at my teeth and telling me about the many services I can get from other rookies with their mentors watching them. Nooo thank you.

-Really fatty food. If someone offers to give me the rest of their fries, I'll almost inevitably say no.

But yeah, other things... I'm not going to go too into specifics, I really need to learn to say no too. Like, say someone is asking me to hang out with them when I KNOW I have work the next morning and KNOW I have to get homework and studying done but don't want to disappoint that person and have them not like me anymore. What I want to know is, who the fuck cares? Anyone who actually cares about me will understand that I have work to get done. Life goes on. Because lately, I've been struggling in school because I've been pushing it aside to hang out with people instead of getting work done that I know needs to get done or I'm gonna be kicking myself and crying because I didn't do it earlier.

That and everybody seems to want me to buy shit from them. Idk if it's just because I have money all the time or what, but continually I'm getting people that want me to buy stuff. Like Leah recently, I can't seem to ever talk to her without her trying to sell me something.

Here's me at the halloween event, cute right? lol. The tail looks like a Wii remote.

Anyway, I talked to Leah for the first time in awhile and she commented on my collar, saying she could make me a real one. I'm like, "Ehh.. this isn't an everyday deal.." She then said, "Yeah I make them for costume and in the bedroom." I'm laugh, not really getting it at first. For some reason my first thought was as a decoration. Guess I'm not as perverted as I thought.

Once I got it I'm like "WOAH, noo I'm not really into that stuff." Honestly, I'm not though. She then continued to talk about all the stuff she's making, tra-la-la. But normally I'd be like, sure why the hell not, I'll buy something. I'm like this especially when friends are trying to sell me something. Granted, if Samantha had some art or something that she was selling, I'd buy it from her just because I know she doesn't have the ability to get a job right now (not having a car, etc..) but if someone is capible of getting a job, I see no reason why I should buy something from them unless I really want/need that thing.

So anyway....

Hung out with Ryan last night. This I think is the 6th time we'd seen eachother, and we sort of laid together upstairs talking about different things. I finally mentioned TWO white elephants in the room. The first was triggered by him talking about how he's going to be partying with all Troy, Jesse, Garrett, and Jack today. When he mentioned it I sort of groaned, and was like "Ughh don't bring him up." He told me that he didn't get why I hated him so much, so I finally told him what happened and why I'd prefer he didn't bring Jack up and not to bring ME up today, which I had a feeling wouldn't be mentioned anyway but I wanted to cover my bases just in case.

I also mentioned the second white elephant, the fact that I felt sort of strange about this whole thing. Like, the only way I can describe it is that when I'm with Ryan I feel like we're related. Which of course, we're not. At all. But I've known him for so long that it's strange that it would even relatively go in this direction, which he agreed with... Apparently he's been sort of feeling the same thing.

Okay so today, I'm going to say something possitive! Lately I've been noticing how pretty my skin actually is, which I guess before I never noticed because I had acne for so long. Like I feel like I can leave the house without that much makeup on. This morning, I was running late for work because I'd left my phone at Ryan's house and had to run over there with my hair soaked at 10:30 (had work at 11, unexpected shift that Dana gave me when Tracy was sick), and didn't think too much of it. That's another thing-- Ryan's now seen me in the following icky scenarios that I usually wouldn't be caught dead looking like:

1. With my hair all curly (my hair had been up in a bun that day. That was the night that he wanted to see me at 2 am. Actually, yeah the first time we ever hung out)

2. Looking like I've been on crank for three days (this was last night after my shift. I was freakin exausted and pasty from being sick)

3. Tilapia'd. Red eyed. This was when I was with Katelynn.

and lastly,

4. Literally out of the shower, wearing a rammstein shirt and knee length shorts, eye makeup under my eyes, wet hair.

Maybe, with that, I feel like I can trust him to an extent. The fact that he's STILL interested in me even after seeing me look like complete shit and I've completely acted like myself around him. That's another thing. I've put up no cherade (Charade? Cherad? I have no idea how to spell that. My mom says it a lot. Basically an "act.") around him and he seems to like hanging out with me for who I am. That alone, makes me trust him more than anyone I've been with this last year.

Work today sucked... I always feel like I'm making mistakes and that I'm going to get fired. Everything I do is always wrong. Always breaking some kind of rule. There's so many to remember. My dad showed up to buy some random junk and took me out to dinner around 7'. That was pretty awesome, there's this 3 Margaritas place over by where I work that has the quickest service ever, even if every time we've been there it's been swamped busy.

Well I'm gonna wrap this up. Right now I'm downloading the sims seasons via direct download, and it's taking ages. I'm gonna study.

yours,

Emily