I need a place to channel my anger.



I wish I had a replica of myself. One that I could pull out whenever I needed, and we could beat the shit out of eachother whenever we want. She would be my scapegoat. I would yell at her whenever I did anything wrong. I would blame her for my own insecurities and problems. Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I wonder if I am my own scapegoat. I am just continually blaming myself for everything possible, and I'm so hard on myself. That isn't the current problem, though, that I want to bring to the table.

I'm pent up. I feel the need to fight. I feel like something is aching inside of me to beat something. It's been really getting bad in the past week or so. I tried to explain this to Katelynn last night, and she seemed to understand, but I felt barbaric when I described what happened the previous night where I'd chucked my sister's phone at her as hard as I could in the chest and it flung and hit her friend Bean. I seriously had no remorse for doing it at the time because of the incedent that had started the fight, but once I explained it I realized I have a problem. It's almost like last year I had sports to channel my aggression, but now that I am balancing my life with school, friends, and pilates for excersize, there is no place to channel my anger. The question is, why do I feel so much anger? Is it the stress with school?

Maybe it's the music I listen too? I mean I listen to some angry music, but it seems to speak to me more then anything else. I hate sappy, acoustic happy songs about love. I hate all English pop music. I can't stand rap or hip hop. Rock music, especially metal, is the music that hits home with me. But maybe it's one of the main reasons why I feel as much aggression as I do.

Oftentimes, the anger will be directed at a specific person instead of a situation (bad grades typically lead to depression, not anger), which leads me to want to fight them. I would never want them to be physically harmed outside of bruises. I would not want to beat someone up without a fight back. So then I decided that once I get a job and some steady income, I will join kickboxing or martial arts.

Honestly though, I can say that things are going pretty good in my life right now, which is why this is such a mystery to me. I look at the good things... My skin is clearing up nicely, I am losing weight from pilates, I am eating healthier, I am making new friends, my grades are good. But then there's something totally thrown off balance and that is strangely more and more frequent desire to fight. It makes no sense to me. I want it to go away, I really do. Because my sister cried when her phone hit her in the chest the other day, and tonight she is going through emotional pain and her own problems. I don't want to be anyone's problem, or cause anyone more stress then they have to be under. Because we've all got problems. I'm selfish to be so focused on my own.

Maybe the solution is to start running again when it gets warmer... yes, that sounds like a good solution, and it fits my budget of nothing.

yours,
Emily