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Google SUCKS. Patience.

I love psychadelic artwork.

Waiting is hard. I'm anxiously wondering how my drug test is going to come out and if I even have a chance of getting that job at Rite Aid. Probably not at this point, but I can only hope. I actually PRAYED yesterday that if I get this job, I promiss I won't smoke pot again. This seems slightly unrealistic but if I get this job I'm going to keep my promiss. I can't break a promiss to God, he'll smite me!! This was the first prayer I've done since tennis season my Senior year.

Right now I'm trying to download the sims 2 onto one of my mom's computers. Don't tell her, haha. I'm just trying this to see if it works but I doubt it will. But if it does i'll have something to keep me busy for tonight. Granted, I'm not planning on doing anything spectacular on this new town, but I'm hoping to build some houses and upload them to the Sims 2 exchange so that when I get a REALLY GOOD computer, I can just download those houses directly from the Sims Exchange onto my new town. Or maybe I could find a way to buy this computer from my mom. This thing is on a shared network, which is slightly scary to me because I can't delete anything that i've installed when I install it. Like for instance, when I make videos on this computer and try to delete the excess, it won't let me because I don't have administrative rights.

Life has been sort of boring today. I painted the shed. I'm sort of happy to be secluded because when I'm secluded I don't spend money or do anything stupid. I'm pretty lonely today, but it happens. Maybe I'll make a youtube video or something on my old computer. It pisses me off just using that thing though, with it's damned overheating problems.

I've been playing the guitar a lot, and right now i'm learning Snowblind by System of a Down on a program that Robert showed me. It's pretty cool and it's a great way to get relaxed before bed. Usually, I'm dual tasking when I practice. Because I'm trying to get stretching and mechanics down, I play the same thing over and over. That can be boring, so I leave on a youtube video on the side to listen too.

Speaking of Snowblind, that was my song of the week this week. : ) I've been doing that on Facebook. Google is pissing me off because suddenly my "Google" account is everywhere and it makes things harder to log into, EVERYWHERE... especially on here!! I prefer to have a seperate account on every website, not connect them all using stupid Google or worse yet, connecting all of my sites to facebook. Another thing that I hate about Google is I feel like when I write these entries I have to rush because it logs me out constantly.

School is starting tomorrow for the highschoolers. Hard to believe I've officially been out of highschool for more than a year now. Time goes by very quickly. I'm not sure if my life has improved since highschool. I think my insecurities have gotten somewhat better... I feel like I've grown up a little bit definately. I'm skinnier. My hair is longer. I know how to do my makeup better. Oh, and I know a little Japanese now. But over the past year going to CBC, I don't feel like that much has changed.

yours,

Emily

Why I won't get this job.

This morning I was confident in my second job interview, yet scared that I might have to take a drug test. I was stupid a couple days ago and smoked before the fair, and now I'm going to pay for it because I'm more than likely not going to get this job because of it.

At my second job interview, he did a quick background check, and everything seemed okay. Then he told me that I'd won the lottery! And I'm like, what the hell? Lottery in a sense that YES, I HAVE TO TAKE A RANDOM DRUG TEST. And I almost, immediately started crying. I knew I was fucked. After three weeks of turning in the applications, having follow ups, and even got a second interview, now I'm going to have a drug test and I'm going to fail.

I left, and called my mom crying. I decided the only solution would be to go to Hippies and try to get a detox product. I ended up spending $30 on this drink called Ultra Mask, and followed the instructions exactly as the product should be taken. That's $50 now that I've spent on detox products for this job. And i'm not going to get it because of my stupid decisions.

I ended up going to the lab, sweaty and gross after driving around in my hot car wearing hot interview clothes. The lady at the counter treated me like a fucking criminal and I failed the first time I tried to take the test because I accidently flushed the toilet. Then, she made me take it a second time. This time i had nearly no urine in me and had to force it after drinking a tiny cup of water. I failed to start peeing in the cup in the middle of my urine stream, which makes me think THAT is ALSO against me.

I gave her the piss, and left. I started balling my eyes off on my way home. When I got home I read about the mask product and it says that they are a complete rip off and don't work for shit and whoever buys it was just given false hope.

I feel like a fucking loser. The only reason I started smoking in the first place is because it gave me an escape from my miserable feelings and fucking miserable life. I hate my life. pot was practically the only thing I took pleasure in.

 This summer I've been heartbroken, used and treated like shit. I've disappointed my parents and have been getting screamed at all summer long. Sometimes I feel like I'd be better off dead. My whole life is failure and it's only getting worse.  The only reason why I don't kill myself is because it would hurt my parents and sister and whoever else cares about me, at least momentarily. Because I feel like i've been cursed to a life of misery and nothing will ever make me happy. I had pot, but societal standards has given me a wake up call that I can no longer enjoy that either.

yours

Emily

what the hell.

This is a blog entry from my phone. I have to write this before I forget how hypocritical my family can be. Ill write more details later. This morning at 4:30 am I was woken up by a restricted call from the w. Richland police department. On the other line he was like, "is this emily?" And I'm like "yes..." and he's like "this is the west richland police department.." immediately I got sort of nervous. I guessed first that maybe tyler got in trouble and needed me to come get him or... for some reason that a psycho was in our backyard coming up to our house. Either way I wasn't pleased, but when he said it was my sister my heart skipped a beat.
I immediately asked "is she okay?!" And he nonchalantly says "she's finnnnne." I go to my moms room and tell her the police is on the phone and she does the same thing. Slightly freaks out. They tell her she's at the west richland retirement homes. Again, its 4:30 in the fucking morning and my sister has my parents van. They tell her they were in a van watching a movie with a guy and that my sisters friend said she was at our house. He said they suspected "they didn't get the whole story," as if they met up with this guy for a 3 way or to use drugs or drink or something.
Nope! They were literally out at 4 am, in my parents van watching a movie with marisa's boy toy out in a park a block away from marisa's house. On top of it, my sister was caught wearing no shirt (just a sports bra). I thought my sister was going to get in a shit ton of trouble.
Nope!!! In fact my mom wasn't mad at all and because my dad didn't wake up until later after the phone call nobody freaked out. I go out in the living room to get my phone... and there's a guy sitting on our living room couch. AFTER my dad woke up and SAW he was there. No yelling, no screaming, no fighting, no punishment.
Let's compare to practically any time I hung out with my friends this summer. Hell even a couple nights ago when tyler was here. He leaves at 11:30, barely makes a peep. At 2 am my dad wakes up and practically punches a hole in the wall saying he's sick and tired of "fucking guys" and basically makes me feel like shit from his hysterics as if I really did something wrong. On top of it, one of his main things about tyler is that "he had his damn hat on sideways." It was backwards. Averys stupid friend's boy friend zayne was wearing a hat. Do you think he'll get called white trash? Do you think avery will be screamed at about this? Nopenopenope!!
This is, my friends, the perfect example of double standards in my house. It doesn't even end there. They're on the porch. Still. Laughing and talking. At 5:30 am. I want to go deck them all in the face. I'm just happy my sister is okay, though. For a second I thought she was in some hospital somewhere-- or worse, dead.

Yours, emily

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Trapped and sweaty.

It's 4:00 pm. I'm in my room. There's stuff everywhere. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. I need to get rid of so much of it. There's boxes on the floor that I want to mail out and I'm too stressed out to go on my youtube channel until I do. There's three computers on the desk. Cords everywhere. The three computers are all garbage except for my good one that I got a couple years ago but has so much body damage and heating problems that it's pretty much garbage itself.

I need to get out. Get the fuck out of here. But I can't escape it. I've gotten nothing done today. I'm sitting on my bed, makeup half done, hair half blowdried. I feel gross. It's hot.

Fuck.

Yours,
Emily

Summer Quarter Grades and My Decision on Central

New grades! Which means another blog entry about how I'm getting through this CBC stuff.

Summer 2011:

-4.0 in Biology

-2.8 in Math 97

...So an average score of 3.4 for this quarter, which is pretty good considering I PASSED ONLINE MATH! I could never imagine that I could do that. I suck at online classes, and I suck at math. That being said, I'm extremely happy this quarter is done and over. Now it's time to study Japanese. Literally, I need to study it every day from here on out to get ready for Japanese IV, regardless of the fact that I have no ambition to do it. If I just dedicate 30 min a day, I can do this.

So next quarter my schedule is:

Drawing I from 8:00 AM-9:40 AM with Craig
Japanese IV from 11:30 AM-12:30 PM with Ryder
Math 98 from 5:00 PM-7:10 PM with Tarbert on Monday and Wednesday

This leaves me pretty open to working. I have a job interview tomorrow and hope it goes well.

So, a couple days ago I made a discovery when my friends were over. My mom randomly blurted out that *someone* I know was now in a relationship with *someone else* that I hate, and have always hated. Though I'm probably the last one to know, I'm glad nobody told me about this until now. Though it doesn't matter anyway, I still can't help but feel sickened by the fact that it's THIS person, THIS bimbo. It could of been ANYONE else and I wouldn't of cared. Thinking about it literally makes me sick. The amount of hatred I have toward these two people now is slightly frightening to me, and I hope to never see or hear about them again.

That being said, I have decided to not go to Central. This was sort of the final straw because I couldn't stand to see someone that I hate so much, even on an occasional basis. I want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone, or barely anyone. I have time to think about this, and I know it will be better for me in the long run.

I am going to make a list of the reasons why I'm not going Central.

1. I want to get completely away from the Tri-cities. I want to go out and find myself. If I'm living only three hours away from my parents, I still have an outlet to go home and do my laundry, go home when I'm sick, whatever. That's still co-dependence. I need to find out how to take care of myself. The most frightening thing about this is illness because I get extremely sick (emergency room sick) about once a year with different viral infections or like my kidney infection this year, but I'm just going to have to take care of myself.

2. I don't want anybody to "show me the ropes." Katharine, you're my best friend, but at every stage of my life (preschool to kindergarden, going into middle school, playing soccer, going into highschool, even going into CBC..) you've always "shown me the ropes" prior to me going into it by telling me all about everything and who and where to avoid and where I need to be. Though I've appreciated this, I know that if I were to Central it would, to an extent, be the same way and I really want to be figure this out on my own.

3. For the first time in my life, I want to go somewhere where I don't know anyone (or close to anyone) and therefore feel like I can create a clean slate for myself, and therefore find myself. Honestly, I just know too many people from Benton City at Central, some of which never particularily liked me.

4. Now that Katelynn might be moving to Seattle, I want to move closer to where she is. I don't know if that's possible, but it makes UW way more of a consideration. I know that's sort of a silly reason because friends are going to move and it's just something I have to face. In  a sense this sort of contradicts that i've previously written, but if I can be withen a couple hours of Seattle so I can go see her, it'd be a plus. I intend on going there a lot anyway.

5. I don't want to have to see Jack Otto's face. I know that at a college there are thousands of people, but just the fact that he's there and I could potentially see him makes me want to vomit a little. He can rot in hell for all I care, I just never want to see him again.

6. Ellensburg seems boring. I went there with my mom when we were driving to take my ACTs or something and it was completely dead there on a Saturday night and we couldn't even find a decent restaurant to stop at. Granted, I don't want a big party school like WSU but I don't want *that* either.

That's my opinion and i'm sticking with it. time to find other options. 

Desperate to write but I don't know how to say it.

It's all too embarrising and potentially offensive to some to post this.

All I know is I have an uncontrolled problem, and as I've realized how bad it's gotten, and even if I've MADE these realizations-- it continues to happen when I associate with the wrong people. And it's making me sick. This time, I realized it before it went as far as it did with my previous situation this summer. It took being with my friend Katelynn and a lot of inspiration to realize how bad it was. I was once again blinded by my eternal desperation to fill a void in my soul.

And I don't want you jumping to conclusions. I didn't make any real mistakes. None that will make an affect on my life. But this will. Shadiness is obvious, it's all obvious to my gut feeling when something is wrong. When something is gross. When something could potentially be harmful to me and my friend. And yet I am drawn to the drama and the people that live lives so differently than my own. So could it be that the reason for this is to learn? That it is entertaining for me to witness first hand what these people's lives are like that are so unlike my own? I mean Guy is the same way. I LEARNED from him this summer, yet why am I not applying what I have learned?

I must find a way to change myself. Stop trying to turn things into what they're not. It's obvious that I need to get out of Benton City, stretch my wings, fly away. Meet people that more have the same goals. Have I forgotten about my goals? Do I think this will help me back progress in my life what so ever? (Also, if Samatha, IF you are reading this, this has nothing to do with today and playing kickball or anything close to that!)

This probably all doesn't make any sense to anyone.

yours,

Emily