Success! Now, if I could just get through tomorrow....

Alright so shit has finally fell into place. A little later than last year, but at least it happened. Yay!

Guess who just got $300 for kuro neko con? Woop woop! Can't make this blog entry long, I'm literally going to wake up at 5 and make it to school by 7 am tomorrow to study more math. Went to the tutor center today to get help, and I'm actually feeling okay.

Factoring is just a lot of guessing... Tons of it. And I think if I get to the school very early tomorrow and study for a few hours prior to the test at 10', I will be good to go. I mean, a C- at least, haha. I think I did good on my first biology exam, which took a lot of studying. I even got my lab assignments in early. I feel like school is actually coming together for me now, and I will really enjoy Kuro Neko con this weekend as a prize for all this studying and cramming.

We've finally got the group together.. Me, Samantha, Shawn, Patrick, and Patrick's buddy. unsure who that is yet, but I assume he's pretty chill. Doesn't really matter to me if he's the most obnoxious person on this earth, i'm gonna have a ton of fun. I think my mom and sister took the camera though, which sucks ass because it has my SD card in it. I have my video camera, might have to invest in a new SD card to go with it.... There's a lot of pictures that need to be taken, obviously. And I'd hate to seem vain when i'm taking tons of pictures of myself in my new costume, but hey, who wouldn't. There should be a lot of pictures circulating of me because I'll be working in the maid cafe though, so either way.

Things have been really chill with me and my dad. He seems to respect me as long as I keep the house clean and not bug him. Tomorrow i'm going to clean a lot when I get back from school because I NEED this money that he's given me and all he asks is that I keep shit spotless. Totally reasonable, thank you so much dad.

Not excited for tomorrow in particular but me and Michael are planning on getting together after my test so if I could fast forward to the point that we're together gossiping eating sushi I'd be a happy clam. : ) He's got a lot to tell me about someone he's seeing right now, and i'm pretty excited to hear about how it came together.

Shit, tomorrow I have a biology lab on top of everything. Oh well I guess. I like hanging out with Katie, it's just all the waiting around before class. Tomorrow is going to be a very big day, better bring a sketchbook and my japanese textbook so I can fill some time.

yours,
Emily

The plan for this week. Soo much cramming.



Alright so, today is the 11th, and if I plan out the next few days, I should be in good shape. I really need to do this the right way if I A) want to make enough money for the con, and B) want to be good to go on my schoolwork. I'm gonna make this pretty quick.

So here's the plan.

Monday, July 11th: BIOLOGY STUDY DAY, with some math.
Right now I'm at school to study my biology for the quiz today. I just got done with my lab and I have class at 6 PM. Right now it's 2 pm. If I study biology in the hub for two hours, I should still have time to study my math a bit from 4:30ish until class starts and then I'll study more for it tomorrow.

Gonna study some Japanese when I get home later tonight, and start those conjugation sheets. This is pretty unrelated to my current classes, but I still want to so it stops hanging over my head like this. I studied some Japanese last night, haven't lost as much of the information as I thought I did. But I can barely remember some of the conjugations.

GET AHOLD OF A GOOD CALCULATOR.

Tuesday, July 12th: MATH STUDY DAY
Going to start off the day at school in the math lab trying to get as much work done as I can to figure out what I'm doing with factoring. I have my test on wednesday so I need to be prepared. If I study for about two hours with the tutoring people, then study what I've learned more at home, I should be prepared for Wednesday's test.

Talk to dad about making money around the house by keeping everything clean and making him dinner.

Wednesday, July 13th. TEST DAY.
Study however much I can in the morning before math class, and BE READY for when the time comes. Make sure math homework up until this day is done as well, which can be worked on between math and biology. In biology there's going to be a lab this wednesday, but is should be pretty easy.

Thursday, July 14th. ASSIGNMENT DAY.

Get done with my lab write up, getting new biology reading done, and make sure all math homework from the week is finished. Clear up everything for the weekend.

Also, make sure everyone that said they are going are going, figure out what time and where we're meeting up, and figure out what we're going to need to bring food wise. Get packed.

Friday:
Driving to Kuro Neko con! Yay!

Hopefully everything goes according to plan.

yours,
Emily

Catching up with people, and freaking out about Kuro neko con.

~1~♥ Yes, I am starting this for real now.

Shit, things are getting crazy with this whole kuro neko con thing. Turns out Patrick might not be going because his friend isn't going and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for the $50 a night fee. Personally, I wouldn't blame him, which is why I'm trying to set it up now so that our group is this: Samantha, me, Nicole, Shawn and Patrick. Eddie if he still wants to go would be nice too. I'm not cancelling the reservations for the hotel, but if I can get all of them to go, the hotel fee TOTAL would be $35 for both nights, which is excellent. I just really need them to all cooperate and try and make things work. We can make the trip cheap if everyone goes, but there has been a chain reaction with this.

Katelynn *MIGHT NOT* be able to go because of a stupid court situation. NOT her fault at all, and I would never want her to think it's her fault. Because of this, Jon obviously isn't going to go, which is two people out of the original room plan.

Shawn might not go because of the fact that he lost his phone in his last trip to Silverwood, so Samantha won't go if Shawn can't because Shawn was going to pay for a lot of Samantha's expenses. If they don't go, I'm royally fucked. i'm really hoping they can go. Shawn's mom said that they will almost most definately be able to go. That's good.

Nicole suddenly might not be able to go if we can't get enough people to go but if I can get a group of five together she will almost definately be able to go. I'm going to lend her a costume.

Patrick won't go if he has to pay $50 a night for the hotel. Which means Patrick will be able to go if at least three other people will be able to go.

SO, THAT BEING SAID....

This situation is sticky. Very sticky. I'm scared that I'm going to end up ALONE with a fucking two bed hotel room that I'll have to cancel and potentially get charged $200!! fuckkk! Because literally, people probably won't know until the day of or the day before. This is so scary. I wish I had as much money as I did last year or this wouldn't be a such a problem. But I might even have to find someone in Spokane that I can stay with if the situation does go to that. Maybe stay with... crap, do I really know anyone that well from last years con? There's Dave, but that's pretty fucking awkward and I doubt his Johovas Witness family would appreciate me sleeping on their couch.

I got together with Samantha, Nicole and Ashley last night, which is when the bomb was dropped on me about the Nicole might not being able to go. I almost started crying.

Ashley was really fun to hang out with and she's changed A LOT since she was last here. She seems a lot happier, and very focused on her boyfriend that lives in Texas but will probably be moving up here to be with her. He's pretty cute, too. I'm happy she's happy, she goes through the same shit as me-- Depression and anger problems, and I know how much it sucks. I really feel for her.

Here's a picture of nicole trying to pick the mushrooms off a cheese steak sandwich that was FULL of them. she hates mushrooms. I didn't assume it had mushrooms on the sandwich automatically, and thought it was lame that it didn't say on the menu that it was practically all mushrooms and hardly any steak. I actually like sauteed mushrooms, but she hatessss them.

Completely unrelated, I really need to get back on track with my school work. tomorrow I'm going to start going to the math tutoring center for two hours a day to figure out this factoring stuff. It's time to step it up. It's time to stop partying, and start benifiting myself. I never realized how easily distracted I am during the summer.

yours,

Emily

Fun now, no money later. Save money, no fun or time with friends. hmm.

As I've stated before, men can be so stupid.

I mean literally, I just saw one of the grossest things. And it made me realize that I would never, ever want to be with this certain person again. This is someone that I thought I was in love with, literally. I'm not talking about a crush, but I thought I was in love with him for about a year. I thought we had such a connection. Though we haven't talked in awhile, I was randomly browsing around today and came across his profile and realized he is talking to the biggest bimbo dumbass that I've ever known. Like, literally, she's this over-rated, gocky blonde idiot from my class that thinks she's going to be a fucking brain surgeon. Of course this certain guy that I'm talking about is just as dilusional and I think he would be great with her. Wow, a brain surgeon and a computer programmer? You guys are going to make great money together!

I feel that once and for all, I am completely over this person, and never want to see him again.

So to any ladies out there that think that they are in love, you might want to look really closely. Because I've learned that even if I thought for sure that I'd discovered what love is, I never did. I have never been in love in my life.

Sorry, sorry. I'm not in a bad mood and this wasn't meant to be a pessimistic entry but GOD, GROSS!

I seem to a get a lot of people that think I look like Zooey Deschanel. It's a huge compliment to me and I really appreciate it. This was a compliment from YouTube. My new contest is doing good, it's only the 7th and I've got 30+ entries to my giveaway! That's so cool!!

What's sort of sad though is that the stuff that I'm giving away is sort of childish and girly so a lot of my top supporters on youtube aren't even going to enter. I'm going to get a lot of crafty girls that I've recently met through the fimo clay charm community.

Speaking of pointless and girly crafts!



Look how cute these little things are. I just made such a weeaboo status about how much I love these things. I would love to make a konapun video for my youtube channel, but they no longer make these kits and it'd be really hard to come by and very expensive. These little things aren't edible, they don't harden, they are strictly for the enjoyment of making something ridiculously tiny, pointless and adorable.

ありがと日本

Holy shit, it is getting very late. I'm surprised how awake I am after that all nighter last night and I've got a lot on my mind today. All I know for sure is that I have to do a lot of homework tomorrow. Tons of math. 

I also am considering getting some highlights after kuro neko con. I'm not sure why, but this hair just seems so heavy for this time of the year. I really like how it looks this dark during the winter but right now it just feels... hot, I don't know how to explain it. Like it's a really cute sweater but it's too hot outside to wear it right now. We'll see. I probably won't even be able to afford it. I'm so bone broke lately, it's ridiculous. I earned a little money doing my mom's hair tonight which I'm going to put on my card. Once I do, I'm going to stop spending money on that card all together. It's just the damn gasoline, it's so expensive, and I'm always having to buy it... I mean I would recluse and save money by simply not going out but the fact of the matter is that I have a life and I like to go out and have fun.

I have completely cut sushi from my diet to save money. I.E. no more sushi day with Katelynn, which sucks. That was our little once a week thing but now I really can't afford it. I have $150. I gotta build on that all I can. Right now I have $30 in my wallet that I'm going to put into my gas tank and hopefully make it last for the next week or so. During the week I can try to earn money by helping around the house or whatever else I can do and hopefully get a profit of some kind. : / It's just so hard.... At least I've got the costume and all I gotta worry about is food and hotel expenses. 

yours,

Emily 

Maid Cafe updates ~3~

So I just got a message about the orientation from Kara, the leader of the maid cafe. The orientation is going to be on the 14th, which of course I can't make because I can't go up there a few days early for a one hour orientation. It's a three hour drive, and I can't afford to do it twice. I'd be nice to make the orientation, but I'm the only one of the maids that is not from Spokane and I think they should understand.

I looked at the e-mails that the orientation notice was sent too, and wanted to find out who each person is so I know their names right off the bat and know their faces.

This is who I'm working with:

Andrea

Dressed as Misty last year. I don't really remember her being at the con last year at all or talking to her but she was there. She dressed as Misty. She's into indie rock fashion, so I'm interested in the costume she comes up with. : )

Autumn

Her profile is private. Those are some crazy boots. I am sort of guessing she is going to be wearing something gothic lolita, lets see if I'm right.

Agatsuma, or Jennifer.

I really like Jennifer! I've talked to her already off and on, and met her last year. She is one of the main leaders of Kuro Neko, she does A LOT of the setting up and puts a ton of work into this con. Her girlfriend Jami is really cool too. I'm excited to work with her because I know she will help me out and make sure I know everything that I need to know there. She always takes a LOT of pictures too, so I'm excited that there's gonna be a lot of con pictures that I'll be in if I'm working with her.

I think she'll be crossplaying as a character from Ouran Host Club.

Lavariel. She did the cafe last year and I remember being sort of envious of her job! haha. She is Brooke's girlfriend, or at least was I don't know if they are together now. They were together for quite a few months though, and I know they were during the.. erm, fight I guess between me and Ashleigh. So, more than likely she doesn't like me right off the bat based on what Brooke has said, but hopefully she won't judge and will take the time to meet me instead of jumping to conclusions.

Kellsey.

This profile is blocked to strangers on facebook, too. This is another girl I'm working with. I definately don't remember seeing her at the con last year, but she was probably there too.

Sakura.

I'm assuming this is her stage name, so I'm also assuming this is what she's going to go by at the con. She looks like she's REALLY into anime and drawing. She's really interesting looking, and has done some really good cosplays. I'm also really excited to see what she comes up with. She's really pretty and does a lot of goth makeup. I'm guessing that she's going to do goth lolita too.

Alberto, Kalixto, whatever.

Yep, Alberto is going to be working at the maid cafe, and he's going to be L. As you guys know, not my favorite person in the world because he has said shit about me everywhere even after I apologized to reacting the way I did to being completely ditched at Sakura Con last year. It's been quite awhile since this has happened, and I would definately be able to forgive and forget as I have the other people in that group because they haven't gone around talking about me.

I'm going to act like nothing ever happened, and try to avoid him as much as possible.

Kara.

She's who runs the maid cafe and has arranged everything involved, as well as figure out who's going to be volunteering. I sent her my application for this about two months ago and have been getting email updates since. There's a LOT of volunteers involved in this con, it's pretty crazy! But it'd take a lot of people to figure out what three hundred people are going to do for two days.

Things just keep on getting more exciting with this con, especially now that my costume is fully ready!!

yours,

emily

I just got back from taking some pictures with Leah and Michael, and found that I am horribly unphotogenic when people are taking pictures of me because I feel very awkward. I really don't like when I'm not in control of it and can't see if the picture is horrible or not, and honestly I think most of the pictures taken of me are horrible. I only like pictures where the picture is flipped horizontally for some reason. I wonder why it makes a difference.

My very messy room is making me anxious. I feel like I just want to get rid of everything. Shove it in a box, put it away. I can't name half the shit in here, which is partially my fault as well as my family's fault. My dad always brings home crap from Value Village and stuff thinking that I'll like it, and even if I don't will just drop it off in here and I'll be like, well fuck what am I going to do with this? Then it's my fault too because I'll get these hobbies and buy stuff for it and then when I discover that the hobby doesn't interest me that much I'll stop doing it and then it'll just... sit there. My mom always recommends I put stuff in boxes to organize, but it never sustains organization and the boxes just end up half empty and the garbage just floods everywhere.

So I'm going to try and get rid of a ton of stuff today. Put a bunch of stuff into a good will box. Because honestly, I don't need most of this stuff. I never use most of it. Really I just think it makes me anxious and a bit annoyed even being in my room because of how... filthy it is. I get sort of embarrised having people in here as well.

I'm mad, I spaced calling the doctor's office again... I really need too make an appointment to hopefully get some new medication. Wellbutrin isn't helping anything. I feel unhappy all the time. Seriously I can't enjoy anything. I'm either content or miserable.

So I'm going to list out the things that typically make me happy.

Things that Make Me Happy/Content:

• Getting good grades. This is really important to me because I feel like if I get bad grades I am damanging my own progress. I don't expect to get fantastic grades on everything, but there is no excuse for me getting F's or D's on anything, it just shows laziness.
• HAVING MONEY. I have very bad anxieties about not having money because of how I was raised. It is a huge source of happiness for me, as well as a major source of stress.
• Being with Katelynn. She makes me very happy and seems to understand me more than most people do. I feel like she never judges me for anything.
• Running. The adrenalin rush makes me feel good, as well as the effects it has on my body.
• Feeling accepted. I usually feel this way when I'm with people that I feel aren't judging me for my interests.
• Not having anxiety. This has been a rarity with this new medication.
• Losing weight. I actually LIKE how my abs look lately.
• Exercise in general. Sports, pilates, etc...
• Cooking dinner for my friends and eating with them. This is usually just a Samantha and me thing.
• Playing the guitar. If I spend enough time doing it, I begin to really enjoy it.
• Being with someone that cares about me. Not nessasarily being in a relationship with someone, because that's never worked out before. I guess if I know that if a guy likes me and I spend time with him, it makes me happy. But this is last on my list for a reason. It should never dictate anyone's happiness.
• Death metal. It makes me feel like my stream of emotions are normal.
• Feeling normal. Having ever felt this way except for when I was on Adderol but hopefully I will experience it again.

Life lately has been really hard to live at all. I really wish I would stop feeling this way because honestly I have no clue what the root of it is. I am very convinced it is just the medication. My mom says I haven't been acting like "myself" at all lately. But what exactly is "myself", anyway? I sincerely don't know. Is this miserable person "myself?" Was I happier acting on Paxil? Was I more content on Paxil? I can't imagine so.... I am going to start researching other anti depressent drugs and hopefully find something to help with my anxiety problems and mood swings.

yours,

Emily

Almost an all nighter.

It's 3 am.

I'm probably up because of my on and off sleeping today because of lack of motivation and now I'm completely awake even though it's far past midnight.

Today has been a funky day, some shit happened that didn't have to happen but because of my over-analyzing of things I got sort of pissed. Basically, Guy posted a status that I thought was directed toward me but was actually a metaphore for something totally different. I talked to Katharine about this, which she said was pretty obvious that it was directed at me, but then Brad said it sounded like a movie quote. It was neither, actually being a metaphore for beer. I'm not going to repeat what he said exactly, but all I can say is that if it was directed at me it would of been really hurtful. Luckily, however, it wasn't. Didn't really bother me much after that and I let it go. I think I should really stop reading his statuses, because he networks around a lot because he helps set up events (aka, he's talking to a LOT of girls), so he has to come off like he's hot shit and says some things that are like.... what the hell? I think I should strictly base my judgement around how he has treated me and the time that we've spent together, which overall has been pretty good, and not worry about the stupid facebook garbage.

I had a pretty productive night. Got some math work done which took me about two hours. I finally got it down though, and tomorrow I intend to do sections 5.2 and 5.3. Then I'm going to go to Leah's probably. We're going to do a photo shoot thing. She got her new haircut and really wants pictures of it, some of which with me, which would be pretty fun. I'd like to get some new pictures with my new hair too.

My hair is so dark... I'm assuming it will fade a little bit over time. I think it looks nice but because of this stupid hair product that I've been using, it gets sort of greasy and icky so I have been a little irritated with it. Like yesterday, it was super greesy because of that stupid conditioner. I can't condition the crown of my hair and I should really avoid using too much of it. It's a professional color protectant conditioner so it's really concentrated. At least I know now.

I even got some Japanese studying in and biology reading done.

OH!! and even better news!!

I got a job!!! YES! My mom got me a job tutoring over in Burbank, and next fall I will be getting 18 hours a week of work. Fantastic! That's $11/h, too! So I'll be able to save for Central ANNNND buy some new clothes, yippie!

I'm hoping the grant coordinator will hook me up with some summer school hours, but it's doubtful considering the circumstances. She has 3 people working at a summer school program with 22 kids. And from what I've seen, summerschool is almost over.

regardless, even if it does start in the fall, I am more than happy that I will have some financial stability.

yours,
Emily