Grades! Spring break, Stuck in the library.

"Sample Photo." I'll put this as my cover photo on facebook. Hey guys look how cool this picture is that you also all had on your windows computer when you bought it.

 

Why am I wasting my picture bandwidth on this. I've got to be getting to my maximum of available uploads on this site....

The f am I going to do with myself until Monday.

So did I tell you guys that my computer's busted? I'm in the library right now trying to get my fill and maybe print out some tabs before I go back. It's really hard to be in my room without the computer because it's so quiet and I do like youtube, netflix, etc while I play guitar. Guitar Pro is on that computer too, which is another thing I don't want to lose.

It's definately worth it to spend some money to get that computer fixed instead of trying to fix it myself and potentially making things worse. It's going to cost about $110.

I woke up today feeling really lazy. I was up late last night because I was thinking about Abe and how I really don't think I'm going to see him again. I just feel like he's avoiding me or something and I don't want to bother him but it's still a depressing thought. It's been 4 weeks, officially, since we've hung out together.

Right now I have $1,400 in my account that I live on. I feel like I've been depleating my funds at a relatively steady rate. I haven't been splurging on anything really, I pay my $80 a month for guitar lessons, money for gas, groceries, occasional makeup and other beauty stuff... I really need to buy some clothes, though. My clothes are lose fitting and funky now, it's like I've worn them all too many times. I honestly haven't bought any new clothes for myself at all since I've moved here. Like I'll get clothes when I go home. My clothes are starting to bother me and I'm just too damn lazy to do anything about it.

I'll try to get a few new things when I go home on Tuesday.

Anyway, woke up late today, got in the shower at about 7:15 for my class at 8'. Needless to say I didn't get out the door on time, intentionally, because I had realized that we were going to have to write a paper in class today for some diagnostic thing. It's not graded, my mind was so effing exausted from the days of studying finite math for hours on end.

I got a 7 on my last midterm, and a 90.5% overall in the class. Isn't that great? My goal this quarter was to get two A's and I think I did well enough in my English class to maybe make that grade as well. If not, it's because I did bad on a couple reading quizzes which is lame.

I got an 85% in Carbaugh's ecomonics class overall. That I was pretty happy about. That class wasn't the hardest class I've ever taken but business class material is sometimes so dry it's hard to stand. I learned so much in that class this quarter, though.

OH! And I got a new student. My student Hassan refered his friend Abdull to me. I might have already mentioned that but that is really exciting to me.

I really have learned a lot these past couple quarters and I feel accomplished enough that I'm trying to just enjoy it instead of worrying about whatever else is bothering me. Things are pretty damn close to ideal for me. I just wish I knew if Abe and I were going to see eachother again or if I'm just going to hang around here until Tuesday when I go home. I'm excited for my party on Wednesday, it's going to be really fun.

peace.

Just when I thought this fiasco was over.

My mom whips out fucking Netflix.

This morning I had to call customer service, AGAIN, for the third time. This morning, thinking everything was going to work, I ran "Bon Voyage" and it told me to INSERT FUN WITH PETS. Fuck!!! Because of course Fun with Pets doesn't work. I call customer service, again, explain to them my situation, and they tell me to delete Fun with Pets and they'll give me a free download of it... which means another lovely 6 hour long download depending on how my computer's internet bandwidth is feeling today. They ended up transfering me to a guy that says that they don't have Fun with Pets in their system because it's so old, but they do have apartment life that they could send me. So I deleted fun with pets, good ridance, and decided to have apartment life and have the game running would be JUST FINE with me-- and if I ever get a new disc drive I'll download the other two expansions later.

Regardless, I was HAPPY the problem seemed to be almost solved. I am very convinced that when this is finished loading, it will work.

BUT IT'S NOT LOADING.

Because my mom is using fucking NETFLIX IN THE LIVING ROOM TO FALL ASLEEP. I was SO FUCKING CLOSE to getting this thing to work, and she's like "I don't care, i'm so tired of hearing about you bitch about this game! I can't believe how over dramatic you're getting about a game!" Well I had to jump though about 12 flaming hoops and NOW I finally have it figured out and this thing would only take an hour to load if I had the proper bandwidth. But no, now shes in there with a movie that she's not even watching, and it's hogging the entire bandwidth.

Why the fuck is it that my computer doesn't have first priority with the bandwidth and her computer can run snail pace ass slow?! Because my computer is a stupid Dell desktop computer that has only caused me issues and frustration since I bought it.

This game says it has 9 hours left to download. I can't leave the computer because once it becomes idle it stops downloading. So I'm going to try to sit here, and study, and not obsess on how long the game is taking to load. When my mom falls asleep i'm going to go out in the living room and turn it off.

Today, my dad threatend to kick me out of the house because of my anger problems.

It's so funny that my dad has chronic anger problems and continually screams at everyone, then yells at me and acts like he never does it. Because of the amount of anger and depression that i've been going through I've started to scratch my own arm with my now long nails. I scratch into it like a cat would do if it scratched you. Fast, hard, and digs into the skin enough that it leaves a mark. I would never be able to take a razor blade to my arm, and to tell you the truth I don't know why I do this. When they asked about it I said it was a dog attack, but it's actually from me trying to calm myself down. Because for some reason, when I'm extremely angry or frustrated or depressed and feel like screaming at everyone, when I scratch into my arm it calms me down, and I now understand why people cut themselves.

I wish I didn't have anger problems. I wish I didn't have a personality disorder. I wish I didn't have to put my family through this, and I wish the tension would get better. This has been a domino effect. My dad's family abandoned him, my dad is going stir crazy, therefore my dad screams at us on a regular basis, creating tension in the house. This tension leads to me feeling angry, thus yelling at my mom and sister. This then leads to isolation, thus going stir crazy myself and causing self mutilation.

I need to stop this before it gets out of hand.

Yours,

Emily