I just wish I could go home, study, be with Mirmee, and be well again.

I feel as though I'll never be myself again...

Though I know that's not true, I feel entirely helpless to the situation and all I can do is hope that these doctors and nurses know exactly what their doing and have some kind of regime of when I'm going to leave. Today is my third day at Kadlec hospital with a kidney infection and an ovarian cyst. Originally, they thought I had some STD but that was proven wrong yesterday, thankfully. Though that scare has lead me to doing a pledge to myself of abstinence, at least until I am in a very settled relationship where I know the person is sincerely in love with me and cares about me enough to give me the time to wait until we're ready to take that step. Because sex, honestly, creates bodily complications for some. Maybe because my immune system is worse than most, it effects me worse, but it seems like sex just causes me health problems. I've made some mistakes in the past, and two days ago in the emergency room I thought that these mistakes were going to cause me to be infertile. This became a wake up call that decisions that I make now can effect the rest of my life, and I need to stop seeking some kind of gratification with it. Because I've noticed a pattern-- once sex is entered into a relationship, everything becomes completely fucked up and based around sex.

Though I do not know if the small ovarian cist and the kidney problems are related to sex, however it doesn't matter either way. The fact is, they hurt like a son of a bitch, and they've caused fever like symptoms like migranes and shakes, and these shakes have led to panic attacks.
Yes, panic attacks, something I've never experienced before. When I get these shakes, it makes it hard for me to breath, which then makes me nervous, which then gives me a panic attack and hyperventilation. This tends to happen before a nurse is going to do something painful.

The amount of pain that I've experienced is incredible, and some of which has been completely unnecessary. When I went to the emergency room, I got a very mean nurse that stabbed the needle to far into the crook of my right arm to give me an IV. She stabbed through the vein, making my arm swell up, turn almost a purplish color, and made it entirely unable to move. The nurses were telling me 'you know you can move that right arm' when I was having trouble getting to the bathroom, but the truth is I couldn't. My arm was completely crippled by this, and burned in agonizing pain to be messed with. I now know what it would feel like to lose an arm as well, because lifting your body using just one arm is very difficult. You have to use your abs, your left arm, and your balance. Plus it didn't help that my head was in horrible pain as well, so going to the restroom was an agonizing task.

I probably had one of the dumbest bitches as a nurse-- or something-- in the emergency room waiting hall. They moved me from the emergency room on this very uncomfortable plasticy gurney (that didn't adjust easily) to a 'waiting room', which was a small closet like room with a TV where I laid in agonizing pain for about five hours before they could get me a room upstairs. They intended to keep me overnight, but with what had happened with my arm my trust in the nurses wasn't great. My doctors had been bad too, the first one the emergency room doctor that put me through so many humiliating tests where he was way too aggressive on me. I won't go into details, but catheters are the worst thing on the planet. I had to get shots on my butt that burned like hell. When I wanted pain medication they gave me Morphene which practically sent me into cardiac arrest because it felt like my head was on fire. But when the doctor would come in with the results, he wouldn't tell us anything straight forward, and would say things in medical jargon that me and my mom couldn't understand at all. Then there was the fact that I was completely on morphene and not understanding really what he was saying and my short term memory was completely stunted. He expected me to explain what was going on to my mom as a privacy factor, and I couldn't explain it to her at all because I couldn't remember. It was a horrible feeling.

But things have turned around now that I've gotten a very nice hospital room upstairs. It's a lot like a hotel room, except with a computer where the nurses type things in and one of those nursing home showers where you sit on a stool. There is a flat screen tv on the wall, but I haven't really used it except for when Wes came over last night. There is a big curtain thing for extra privacy measures. My only complaint would be the paper thin walls where you can hear everything going on next door. It sounds like there's about forty hispanic people jabbering on continually, and I can't imagine the patient is getting much sleep done. It's almost like the whole family came, and brought all their kids, and it's almost like they're treating this like a party. This loudness went on until about 11 last night, and drove my mom crazy. I really didn't care much because I've been on oxycodon, but I just found it odd.

Things health wise have improved though over these past two days. My fevers have gone away for the most part, my appetite has partially come back (though only when I'm on pain medication), and my kidney area and lower back are not bothering me nearly as much anymore-- if not at all in sometimes. But then there's the problem with my head.. My headaches haven't improved hardly at all, and it practically immobilizes me. That though can be taken home, and I can have access to tylenol at home without having to wait for nurses to take forever to get me access to it.

So that's the story. I feel very behind in school, even if I only missed one day. I miss my cat. I miss feeling normal, and I really want this shit to go away even without drugs. This has to be the worst disease I've ever gone through.



☆yours,
emily