Okay since when do I have to know calculus.

Hello.

I apologize for the "poor me" freak out the other night. I had some wine in my system and was dwelling on a situation that I really have no control over. I realize now that Taylor is going to make his own decision who he wants to be with, which unfortunately appears to be leaning more toward Julia then me. They've been together two years, I appeared in his life randomly recently and left the tri-cities right afterward. They live in the same town so she's got more access to him and I'm sure he likes the comfort of having someone there. I just hope that if he decides to stay with her that he tells me and leaves me alone.

I don't know. We'll see what happens if I ever get the opportunity to meet him again but that's in fate's hands. I'm not going to pursue spending time with him any harder than I have before because last time I put my faith in him showing up I was very let down. Even if I thought he wasn't going to show up in the first place regardless of him telling me he wasn't going to flake over and over again. I just have a 6th sense about this kind of thing.

I'm still attracted to him. Which I hate to say because part my mind wants me to not want me to be attracted to anyone right now because I'm so preoccupied with schoolwork and any drama in my life will only distract me. I guess part of me wants that happiness that comes with being with someone and the other part of me is telling me that the risk of it is too high.

There are a couple other guys that have clearly been into me and hitting me up lately but it seems like my heart is having tunnel vision like when I first met Terry. You start comparing guys that like you to the guy you like and because I have attraction toward so few men it's way harder for me to settle for someone who I'm not totally attracted too when I suddenly *do* start liking someone.

Okay, I'm not going to talk about this anymore. Seriously.

Today started out kind of rough. I accidentally slept through my alarm again after not being able to sleep until 7 am. This was my fault because I had totally over-caffeinated myself  the night before trying to study some math from my micro class to little avail. So ironically I MISSED the class that I was studying for because I was so stressed out about not getting the material the previous night.

Yesterday I also got my resume ready for the career fair today. That went really well. I met a lot of potential employers and got tons of business cards, pamphlets etc about different companies I could apply for that *are* looking for recent undergrads. That makes me happy because there's no way I'm going to be able to get a job this quarter after all. My schoolwork is harder than it has been all year and the majority of my quarters last year.

Advanced business law has been really interesting but there's just a lot of reading. I'm a slow-ish reader and it usually takes me a couple times to grasp all the information I need so this class has been very time consuming. On top of that I've got my extremely difficult intermediate microeconomics class that is using calculus that I haven't learned yet so I had to come to the math tutoring center today to get help.

Da-da-dada-dada-da-da, tequila..

I'm sitting in the library right now. After I write this blog entry I plan to head home, make dinner and do the dishes before I start tackling my first law case study. Metiner pretty much roped me into doing this when I hadn't even looked at the case yet but I figure knocking this project out early while the material isn't as complicated as it could potentially get could be a good thing. The case I'm doing is about who gets the proceeds to the sale of cows, a case that I had already read the brief summary of out of the book and Metiner actually explained in class. I'm not worried about it.

I guess my one worry is that I get home and get too distracted to get any work done which has a tendency to happen. But because this case study is due tomorrow my back is against the wall and I should have the motivation to work until about midnight tonight.

My sleep schedule has been absolutely f'ed since that shitty Friday night waiting for Taylor to get to my house and flaking at the last minute. It got me on this cycle of staying up super late and taking a huge nap during the day that I haven't been able to shake and has made it extremely hard to wake up on time for my micro class. Hopefully tonight will improve this. If I force myself to go to bed at a decent time it should and I didn't take a huge nap today so I should be tired at a decent time unlike the last few nights.

Talk to you guys later.

peace. 

God, I wish I'd never met you.

God, I wish I'd never met you.

I gave up a long time ago and felt at peace with being alone.
Why did you have to come into my life, lead me on like that and make me think that you really liked me when you knew you were already with someone?? Why did you talk to me for a week and make me realise how much I liked you? Why do you have to be a disappointment in my life like every other guy I've been attracted too...

I'm so done. Time and time again I've realized i'll never find someone that i am physically attracted too that happens to like me back without someone in the way. There's always gotta be that someone in the way, regardless of what she looks like. I'm going to be alone forever because of my terrible luck

Peace.

Why being an artist is awesome

You can push down any pain you might be experience you're feeling by doing a task that by now requires little to no thought and still makes you feel good about yourself.

This last weekend was the pits for a number of reasons. Friday night I thought I'd get a chance to hang out with this really hot guy I'd met recently and thought our personalities had clicked. Wrong. He flaked on me the last minute because his ex girlfriend called. Okay, stayed up all night for nothing.

The next day I told him once again that if this is part of some kind of game just leave me alone and be with her. He responded the next morning with a lot of wishy-washy excuses and I kept bitching him out saying that there's no excuse for keeping me up all night waiting and then flaking on your way here. And that i didnt want a relationship with him but if he is going to act like this any time we make plans to get to know eachother than screw it.

So he responded on Saturday night saying I should call him at a number he gave me so he could explain himself. By the time I got the number it was too late because I was up that night practicing and trying not to dwell on what had happened the *previous* night with this goombah.

The next morning I sent him a text saying he could call me whenever and he responded "who is this?" I responded Emily. No response. 2-3 hours later I wrote "so you decided not to talk after all?" And he responded "who is this" AGAIN.  Shortly after sent another text, 'i think you have the wrong number.' Okay. .

First thought that came to mind, "wow. This totally is his number and he decided he didnt want to talk so now he's claiming it isnt..." Then, of course because I'm manipulated by how attractive he is thought,  "Well maybe he just gave me the wrong number."

I have no way of knowing either way. Because I dont know any of his friends that have his number and would rather not go around digging I don't know. We haven't talked since that night. Part of me wishes I would have had my phone on to receive that message alert but the other part of me thinks even if I had he would have changed his mind talking to me anyways.

I dont need him to explain why he flaked on Friday night.  To me its pretty obvious that his ex girlfriend probably called having an emotional melt down and out of habit he decided to go to her rescue instead of hanging out with a girl who doesnt need his help but he knows is a way better catch.

Regardless it doesn't matter now because we're not talking. And might not talk again. Who knows.

And that's why being an artist is awesome. To have the ability to satiate your emotions regardless of the bullshit that's happening like this.

Peace. 

This should kill a couple more hours. First party in a long time

Tonight (or should I say today now that it's finally after midnight) is going to be an interesting one. And the story leading up to it is also interesting so let me back up. This is going to be a long blog entry.

Okay Spring break came and gone. I was able to successfully complete my doctors appointment and fill the prescription that I needed that's keeping me off the pot on Monday. Unfortunately I did something totally stupid and took a narcotic painkiller in my Mom's room the day of the appointment to get rid of a bad headache. The previous day I'd been partying all night and drove home from Hermiston at about two pm that next day. Why the hell was I in Hermiston? Read on.

 

Jared Johnson. You guys might recognize that name from blog entries back in like 2012. I had a huge crush on him when he was in my sociology class at CBC. The situation was interesting because Josie Day also happened to be in that class and was very into Jared's best friend Joan. That had been going on forever and might still be to this day, who knows. Joan moved away to college and Josie is still in the tri-cities I believe, I'm not friends with either of them on facebook so I wouldn't know what they've been up too these days. Anyway, Jared and I met on facebook that year and he was originally a total snob and ignored my interest in him completely. That obviously made me like him more.

About a year later I remember we hung out a few times at his Dad's place. We got along well because we're both kind of smart asses, but we're also both extremely stubborn so we butt heads about things a lot. He's kind of defensive about being masculine so he'll occasionally say things that are kind of offensive without really trying. I guess some would say "he's a bit of a dick." But most guys I've been attracted to are that way. Jared and I never dated, though, I guess the romantic vibe isn't really there. We hadn't talked in months when he texted me when I was at Goodwill the previous day with my Dad. He was taking me out to buy a new pair of Nikes that I was super happy about.

He told me that there was a party happening that he'd "really like to see me at." I was like okay, sweet! I had made some plans with this guy Riley this here in Ellensburg but decided to flake out on that like he's flaked on me so many times. Jared's plans sounded more solid and like a blast so I anticipated a good time.

That day Jared had texted me saying the party was going to be between 9-10 and by 10:00 we hadn't talked since like 8:10. We'd been texting back and forth and he changed the address twice. The second time I had to call him and bitch that he hadn't gotten ahold of me when I was waiting. Actually at this point I thought he had flaked. I had been playing guitar that night when I was all dolled up and ready to go and took this snap:

So here's me in the basement practicing the Unforgiven. You can see what I wore that night, a orange shirt I got at goodwill that actually turned out to be really flattering and some high heeled wedges. Overall a very cute outfit. When I showed up to this mobile home park in Kennewick Jared saw me and was like "Wow, you look so beautiful... It's not one of "those" kind of parties." Like I was overdressed. I laughed and said 'yeah I should have brought a jacket' because I saw some people hanging out outside. He then said, "Every girl at that party is watching you and hating you so much right now." I'm like, "Wth, why?" Sort of made me feel anxious upon walking in..

But everyone was actually super chill and nice. I didn't realize what the occasion was until I saw a huge card on the table for this girl Julia. So that's when I just started doing the usual, meeting people, asking people questions about where they live and work, etc... I rarely start out by going off about myself because if I did people would think I'm a snob. The best way to get to know people initially is to be a spring board. Let their conversations revolve around them and bounce back at them.

The girls seemed really nice. Most were either friends of Julia's or lived in the house that we were hanging out in. One of the girls that lived there was really cute and pregnant. We had a good conversation over by the beer pong table because she told me she was interested in accounting and finance too. It takes a lot of guts to go into this field, community college or not. I remember how hard my second accounting class was at CBC I dropped it because I couldn't juggle it with Japanese. Decided to wait until I got to CWU. Anyway, this is where the beginning of this would-to-be soap opera launches.

This tall guy with just incredible blue eyes caught my glance when I was sitting in the living room with Jared at the couches. Jared was sort of preoccupied with people watching and talking to other girls, which was cool. Being there as friends we were kind of eachother's wing man in some sense even if we planned to go back to his place that night after we'd had a few.

Anyway I smiled at him and he just stood for a second like, okay, I want to talk to this girl. I could tell. Especially when Jared and I started talking about some random irrelevant shit and this guy jumped into the conversation. Suddenly his beer pong buddy ditches and he asks me to play with him. Jared decides to go out back and kick it with some people he went to highschool with. Everything was cool.

Okay, I'm not gonna say our first conversation was like this 'perfect omg finishing eachothers sentences' crap but we kind of hit it off. He's a year older than me and has a beard which has always been kind of something I've always been attracted too. Especially with those wooden pipes and lumberjack boots... hmmm... Uhm okay, like I was saying..

He was asking about what I was going to school for and I told him to someday be a financial analyst of some kind. I told him pretty bluntly, "I like math and money." Ha ha ha. I just got enacted the Finance club senator and representative this upcoming Monday, it's what I'm into. He told me that's awesome that I'm in school and that he is currently a manager at a plumbing supply outlet.

Having learned in marketing about how the system works, I can pretty clearly imagine what his job was be like. He has very difficult hours because deliveries and inquiries need to be done at night so the plumbers can have the supplies they need for the next day's contract. He's a manager of a group of people at a warehouse at 24, that's not doing bad for himself at all. He also has a welding certification.

Ha ha you know honestly, even if taking that welding class at ki-be was hell at the time, it has won me so many points making conversation with country boys over the years. Because they all freaking love welding metal for some reason and having taken that class I can -kind of- speak their language.

Anyway. We exchanged first and last names (implying I wanted to add him on facebook. I was being very low key about it because I came with someone else and didn't want to be rude). We added eachother that night, and after we lost a beerpong game pretty quickly against the reigning champs I sat down at the couch messing around with my phone and we parted ways. It wasn't long before I was talking music nerd to some dude who's brother plays guitar. He also sings and likes some good rock. Anyway it wasn't long before Jared came over and sat down, we talked for a little while longer, and Jared wanted to step outside.

We ended up leaving a little earlier than Jared acted like he wanted to leave at. That was fine though, considering I had a feeling I'd be driving us to Hermiston because there was no way in hell he was going to be able to find a taxi in the tri cities at 2 in the morning to drive us over the Washington border. Luckily that night I had kept my drinking extremely slow and steady, like I think I had 3-4 beers tops during the four hours we were there. And a jello shot when I first got there.

So I was feeling a *tiny* bit tipsy. Barely. I knew I'd have to drive us home and turned on my music, driving extremely focused and not saying a word all the way to hermiston. With just a tiny bit of alcohol in my system, I am still incredibly worried about our safety and my own wellbeing so I had my metal blasting and eyes locked firmly on the road.

Anyway the rest of the night was pretty much like a sleepover between two buddies. We watched netflix and ate fast food.

That night I found myself messing around on my phone and looking at that guy's facebook. I saw he had some family from the South, he liked snowboarding, saw that he had a tattoo... So I commented on the tattoo, "Badass" and he responded, "Thanks do you have any?" or something really basic like that.

At this point I didn't even realize the girl who's birthday it was the previous night was Taylor's ex girlfriend. Jared had mentioned this and said "Recently. And they're that couple that always has drama." And I'm like interesting... Lo and behold, that next morning while I was doing my makeup Jared said to me, "Julia called you out.." and I'm like what?

I look on there and she's giving this rant like, "Oh wow didnt you come with jared johnson? and you guys added eachother fast!! isn't that funny?" something-bullshit-something.

 So I wrote back, "Jared's my friend. I was at a party and met a new friend, isn't that the point of a party?" and she wrote back, "Not this one. Move on." I didn't see that for awhile because Jared and I were watching Walking Dead. When I got back online around 2 pm, I went back on his profile and was so sad when I found out he deleted me!!

And this is after Jared tells me this is always the couple having drama so I'm of course like, 'waitwaitwait.." like if this guy added me just to make his ex jealous and play some game I'm like hell no, too old for that crap. I messaged him saying "What the hell, you deleted me? Well if this is just part of a game between you and your ex that you used me as a pawn in you should go have a nice life, bye:)"  He apologized and said he hadn't wanted to delete me.

Alrighty then. So having just ignored that we're not friends, we proceeded to talk and have really gotten along these past four days or so. I hadn't had my phone at all this week so it did make this week a lot more entertaining.

Yeah definitely a weird situation but interesting. 
peace.