Oh just screw it.

Hey guys, it's almost 1 am.... I had a f*ing crazy long day, long weekend, lots of stuff going on that I need to tell you.

 I promise to tell you more about my weekend tomorrow, to anyone reading, how about THAT?! But for now I've got more serious stuff on my mind.

If cigarettes are as big of an instant stress relief as I've heard people say they are I should never smoke. 

Maybe it's my Jewish roots that can take me from feeling perfectly content and confident one day to being completely stressed to the point of feeling completely hopeless and out of control of my life. This quarter academically I've felt very out of control because of the stress that Finance class initially put on me not having the textbook on time, then realizing I wasn't ready to hack the material at the speed the instructor was going so I had to drop it... This was a hard enough issue as it was.

Sipic totally went to bat for me to get me into Hedrick's class late (Tuesday of week 3, technically the last day you could enroll late). I was thrilled about this opportunity initially until I went to the bookstore and realized they didn't have a copy of what I needed. I needed the access code so I figured ordering it at the school versus Amazon wouldn't make that much of a difference. Dropped $150 and it was projected to arrive her Thursday. Thursday...... More than halfway through the week.

I let Sipic know about this and he gave me a Micro book from a different course just in case I wasn't able to get a copy of the text. Because I didn't have the right syllabus for Hedrick's class at this point I messaged him to get the material that we'd covered but he didn't get back to me on that (he probably figured I had the syllabus, which does have what I need...).

So I had Hedrick's class this morning and it didn't seem too bad... He was going over the demand and supply curve shifts that occur when tariffs and taxes are placed on imports. It's not like it doesn't make sense to me but having entered the class after missing two weeks of review material it felt a little rusty to me. Hedrick seems like a nice guy, he told me to meet him at his office so he could get me caught up on what we were doing.

I went to his office and he told me that the class had already done two homeworks and two quizzes and said he'd give me some leeway because I'm just entering the class. I mean that's great and everything but homework and quizzes are through an online source so they close when they're due.

So here I am, trying to manage my time for the night with a huuuuge amount of micro work to do and a little bit of macro homework... I made what was due first a priority so I spent 8 hours working on micro tonight... Not even freaking kidding you guys. And I actually did make some progress on the third homework that was assigned to the class which was sort of impressive considering the circumstances. The homework was due at 11:50 and around 11' I couldn't take it and decided to call my Mom. Offfff course I was crying, feeling like it's the end of the world and she somehow makes me feel better.... I love my Mom so much. 

She made me realize that with the way everything has gone this quarter there's no shame in just taking 10 credits. If I continued taking this class that I'm entering 3 weeks late I'd inevitably sacrifice a huge amount of studying for my other classes and bring my entire GPA down. Not worth it at all.

peace. 

I'm afraid I'll be stuck here forever if I keep pursuing this goal.

This quarter is so close to being over I can almost taste it, with only nine more days. It's sort of scary, but at the same time a huge relief that I'm going to be done with it and move on to another clean slate. I have my math final on Thursday and my Biology final on Wednesday. I also have a councilors appointment on the 19th to work out everything that I need to get taken care of before I graduate.

I have pretty bad news though. Fucking Symbolic Logic credits-- UGH. Turns out I CAN'T take C++ this next fall because it REQUIRES you to have math 98 under your belt. That being said, I'm probably going to be taking just math 98 and Japanese IV this next fall, then taking JUST C++ during the Winter... unless of course CBC forces me to take math 95 in order to graduate as well. That being said, I feel like I'm going to graduate sort of late in comparison to how long it typically takes people to get their two year degree, and it's all because I've waiting until the last minute to do my math and didn't do a very heavy work load during my senior year of highschool. So much for saving time. But hey, who's really judging anyway? If anyone has anything to say about how long I've been stuck at CBC they can fuck off. I have a goal, and unfortunately math and this pointless symbolic logic bullshit has put me out a bit.

Another option, of course, is to transfer over to Central in the winter ANYWAY without my AA and just get those two credits at CBC next summer when I come home to live with my parents again after the schoolyear. Though this is an option, so badly I want to be able to put my AA down as an accomplishment. I just want to take one thing at a time. First my AA, then my BA, then maybe my masters down the line once I pay back my student loans... sort of depends what I'm going to do. Because I've only been taking 10 credit quarters, I feel that I am partially to blame for my own failure to finish my AA as quickly as I wanted too. I should of never taken stupid CWP in highschool and should of taken a full schedule instead. : (

But I continue to ask myself if I even want to go to Central afterall... Everything in my life has come to me so fast that I haven't even been able to stop and think about what it is that I want. All this information regurgetation, studying my ass off, flashcards, hauling around books, selling those books and buying new books about subjects that I have no interest in... have I actually learned anything? I wonder if I am actually any more intellegent now than I was my Junior year of highschool. Like if I sat next to 17 year old me and took a big test with a bunch of different subjects, would I get a better score now or would it be the same? I don't feel like I've learned much of anything here, but I could be wrong.

...Well, I've certainly learned the basics of Japanese. That's something.

Maybe the reason why I'm feeling so inquisitive is because I hung out with my friend Mitch Missett yesterday. He's one of these people that when you talk to him, you really start thinking about your life because he tends to talk about things that I think about a lot-- like what my "plan" is to achieve success, and if success really is the ultimate goal to all of the work that we do. He's been through some really rough shit in the past few months. I won't go into detail, but my predictions for why he wasn't around (that he'd moved back in with his ex girlfriend or something) were very wrong. I'm pretty concerned for his brother, too.

I recently learned from Mitch how prominent meth is in benton city. I really had no idea.. I mean, I figured some people used it but the amount of people that use it that are around our age is pretty damn sad. I guess our town is #5 for most meth labs per capita in the United States or something like that, and Finley is #3. I don't know where Mitch got the statistics, but I trust his judgement. Regardless of it being true or not, it seems to be a pretty big problem. Not really a concern of mine though, considering I'm not involved with people that use it.

Anyway I'm gonna go, I've been in this computer lab way too damn long.

yours,
Emily